Disclaimer: I do not IT or any of the characters. That all belongs to the awesome and talented Stephen King. I only own my OC and other characters I make up along the way.

A/N: Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to update until after I saw IT:Chapter Two but I finished this chapter a lot faster than expected and I really liked how it turned out. So...here it is. I just really wanted you guys to read how adult Gwen is like. How she is still the same yet different than when she was a kid. I got a lot of inspiration for adult Gwen from the TV show Sharp Objects with the character Amy Adams plays, Camille. You'll see what I mean once you read this chapter. It is heartbreaking but it allows to see how Gwen is as an adult. I also got inspiration from the movie Skeleton Twins when it comes to Gwen and Richie's complicated and distant brother/sister relationship. I get more into that as the story continues. Bill Hader was also in the Skeleton Twins so it helps when picturing Hayley Atwell as adult Gwen and Bill Hader as adult Richie.

Also, just to clarify when reading this chapter the face-claim for Jeanne Grant is Emily Blunt. And the face-claim for Cole Foster is Jensen Ackles. They are minor characters in the story but I wanted to give them face-claims like I did with Francine and Chase in the IT: Chapter One part.

Now I haven't seen IT:Chapter Two yet but once I have I might edit this chapter. Adding or changing a few details but hopefully nothing major. I'm actually going to see IT:Chapter One again in theaters on Saturday and there's going to be a sneak peek for IT:Chapter Two, so I am super excited for that.

Anyways...I don't wanna make this note super long so I'll end it here. Enjoy!

"Growing up is never straight forward. There are moments when everything is fine, and other moments where you realize that there are certain memories that you'll never get back, and certain people that are going to change, and the hardest part is knowing that there's nothing you can do except watch them." ― Alden Nowlan

Chapter 27: Twenty-seven years later

Before the life changing phone call was made that late briskly night, forty-two year old Gwen Tozier had been having a tempestuous day. Which really was nothing out of the ordinary. She was now in Brighton, a charming city located on the south coast of England. This was where Gwen Tozier had been living since her late twenties (or to be specific when she was two months away from turning thirty). She had other places (New York, Los Angeles, etc) but her main residency was in Brighton. She loved the city. The main reason why was because of how open and lively everyone there was. As Gwen had come to experience for herself, there was more acceptance in Brighton than in other places.

Before even arriving to Brighton, let alone London, Gwen had been in the city of Los Angeles. Her manager Cynthia Dawes wanted her there for an interview on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. Which had been yesterday. Now she had nothing against Jimmy Fallon, but really Gwen would have preferred going on Conan. By now she knew that all talk show hosts had to put on a bright persona for their guests and audience members. So most of their laughing was just an act. But at least Conan's laugh sounded less forced. Gwen in general though was never a fan with going on interview shows.

When she'd been younger (right when her career first took off) she was a bit better with handling interviews. However, one thing she never was good at was keeping her mouth shut when she needed to and saying things that could be taken as rude. She just wasn't the interviewing type...even after all these years. She also hardly got any good publicity. Not really anyways.

Gwen thought about all that as she read the tabloid title she had in hand.

Gwen Tozier breaks another heart. Is anyone safe?

"Don't these people have a life." Gwen grumbled throwing the tabloid away from her. It landed on the table she was sitting at. The forty-two year old woman was currently having a late dinner at a restaurant called The Little Door. The restaurant was located in West Hollywood, near Beverly Grove. The singer, however, wasn't dining alone.

"You're famous and they're reporters. This is their life." Someone sitting across from her dryly told her. That someone was female and had a British accent. That someone happened to be her thirty-six year old auburn haired personal assistant, Jeanne Grant. She'd been working for Gwen for the past five years. Gwen had personal assistants before in the past but they never really lasted more than a year with her.

Before Jeanne, finding a personal assistant that would stay with her (through thick and thin) was a challenge. Gwen's life was pretty hectic for the most part. The life of a singer of course wasn't slow paced. Even now at the age of forty-two, years later from when her career started towards the end of her college years. She'd been twenty-two when her career took off. And now in 2016, Gwen was still pretty relevant in the music world.

She wasn't as famous as some of the newest artists out there but her name hadn't been forgotten. There seemed to be a pretty strong following when it came to nineties Grunge music.

So finding someone who could handle her work life was hard. Not to mention she wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows. She had her cold moments in the past (well, even now at times), but she did her best to remain calm. However, sometimes stress got the better of her. Therefore after spending a year with her they all seemed to say the same thing. Reasons that sounded as if they were breaking up with her. Which they were but in a professional way because Gwen couldn't remember the last time someone broke up with her. She was the one that usually ended things.

Anyways, her past employees would say things like:

"I'm sorry but I can't."

"This is too much."

"I tried but this isn't working for me."

And Gwen of course wouldn't be bothered. It sucked that she would have to search for a new personal assistant but really was glad because none of none of them felt like the right person for the job. Not until Jeanne Grant. She needed someone who was responsible but not a complete stick in the mud. The auburn haired woman happened to be that person.

At the beginning it seemed too good to be true. Even after being a year with her, Gwen thought for sure Jeanne was going to leave like all her other past personal assistant. Except she didn't.

Gwen should have seen this coming from the moment Jeanne told her:

"Gwen I'm your assistant. Not your babysitter."

That right there was confirmation that Jeanne Grant was going to stay.

In some odd yet nostalgic way, Jeanne ended up reminding Gwen of someone...an old friend. Embarrassingly it had taken Gwen a bit of time before she was fully able to remember such a name. It had been a friend from high school.

Blonde hair and blue eyes.

Francine Simmons. Last Gwen heard (and this was about four years ago) Francine moved to San Diego and got married. She had a kid (maybe more now), a baby girl. Good for her. Gwen wished her once close friend during her youth years ago a good life and it appeared that she was.

Anyways, much like Francine once did, Jeanne often called her out on her shit and Gwen didn't mind that at all. Gwen noticed that her past personal assistants (and also some people in general) were afraid to be that frank with her. Jeanne knew how to handle her. Most people didn't. Hence why she didn't have a lot of friends these days. Well, Gwen had "friends" but not real friends. Not the type she could be honest with. Not the type that knew the real her. The "friends" she had just knew the person Gwen wanted them to see.

"I didn't even date Jared." Gwen continued to say, scrunching up her face when she said the word date. The word made her feel as if she had just stepped on gum. "We went out for one drink."

The man she'd been talking about was Jared Howell. Someone she met at an after party. Apparently, as he put it in his own words, "I was invited by my friends who are friends with the people who are hosting this party." Gwen at the time had a feeling that was far from the truth but she engaged in conversation with him. She'd been bored that night and he seemed to do just fine. It helped that he offered to buy her one drink as she told Jeanne.

Except that one drink quickly turned into two drinks, then three drinks, and then they ended up in the hotel room she'd been staying at. Sleeping around wasn't anything new for Gwen. She'd been doing that since college. She wasn't stupid though. Gwen was always safe. She be damned if she somehow got an STD or got pregnant. That was her nightmare. Not necessarily the getting an STD part (although that would have sucked) but the getting pregnant part. Therefore, she never slept with someone without protection. She was already on birth control (since college) but condoms were also a must. Especially when it came to one night stands. That was a rule she had for herself. Always be safe when intimate. Another rule was don't get too attached. Attachment only led to strong feelings and Gwen wasn't one for those types of feelings.

And Jared Howell was just that. A one night stand. They never agreed to meet up for coffee or even lunch. They parted ways after the night of sex they had. As always, the media caught wind and said a totally different story. One where Gwen and him were supposedly getting to know each other and then just like that she left him. That really wasn't anything new. It seemed that her nightly activities with men were still being used as bait to capture the public's attention. As if her sex life was really that interesting. People (those who worked for shitty tabloids) needed to get a damn life. Actually, they needed to get a better job.

Feeling annoyance growing within her, Gwen grabbed her purse and reached for the carton of smokes she had in there. Pulling out a single cigarette, she then grabbed her lighter and used it to swiftly light the cigarette. Inhaling that familiar warmth instantly made her feel less irritated. As she exhaled, from the corner of her eye, Gwen noticed the far from approving look the much older couple was giving her. This was something Gwen saw a lot whenever she smoked in public. Nowadays when you smoked in public people gave you a judgmental look. It wasn't like before when people would turn a blind eye and not give a shit. Now they looked as if they were her parents, scolding her for having a bad habit.

As if any of them actually gave a crap about her health. There were only a few people on this earth that really cared for her...or at least she hoped they did. However, with the way she was, Gwen couldn't fault them for not wanting to be associated with her. She was a complicated person. An emotional mess really.

"So, your next performance is in a week from now." Gwen heard Jeanne say. She looked at her assistant after she blew another puff of smoke to the side. The auburn haired woman's attention was on the iPad she was holding. "You're gonna perform at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. It's nineties night, so other bands and solo singers are going to be there. You're scheduled to perform midway through the show. After Alanis Morissette."

This wasn't anything new. Gwen had already known about that particular performance but as her assistant Jeanne was always one to tell (and remind her) about all her schedule. She was great like that.

"Wonderful." Gwen said, releasing a huff. "Can't wait."

She might have not sounded excited about performing but she wasn't hating the thought of doing so. She liked singing. She loved her fans. It's just that she'd been doing the whole professional singing thing since she was in her twenties. At the beginning it gave her a rush, as if she were on the top of the world. Now it was just something she had to do in order to make a living. Singing just wasn't as fun as it used to be.

Jeanne was quiet before she proceed to tell the next thing. "Cynthia does want you to do another meet and greet in Bristol a couple days from now."

Now that was something Gwen didn't know about. It wasn't like she hated meeting her fans. As mentioned, she loved her fans. Her fans were the ones who supported her. Meet and greets though always took a toll on Gwen. She always felt the most anxious during these type of events as well. Which she found odd at first because she wasn't one to get nervous. She soon realized, as her career began taking off, that her anxiousness came from being too close to people. Having them right in her face, asking her question after question. It really was like she was being interviewed, and she wasn't one for interviews.

The last meet and greet she'd done had been a couple months ago and she felt quite faint by the end of it. Luckily she hadn't fainted otherwise that would have caused a scene. Gwen would have solely blamed her tiredness (as she'd done so in the past) but really the tequila shots she took from behind the scenes were the reason for almost passing out. Gwen always drank at events like that because it's what helped her get through it.

She thought maybe she'd have some time to herself before her performance in Las Vegas. But who was she kidding? She was Gwen Tozier. When had she ever been given a break?

Gwen remained impassive as all these thoughts ran through her head. She released another puff of smoke. "Alright."

Jeanne stopped her scrolling and looked up from the iPad. She made direct eye contact with Gwen, which in return made Gwen quirk an eyebrow. The auburn haired woman now had on an expression that made it look as if she were unsure or even slightly nervous. After all these years together, Jeanne wasn't the only one who knew about quirks. Gwen knew Jeanne well enough to the point where she knew when she wanted to say something that she thought would affect her. Gwen found this bemusing and it made her wonder just what exactly she was going to say next.

Jeanne let out a low sigh, finding the words that were about to leave her. Despite saying these words before (she lost count on how many times she said them), she was very cautious.

"Your brother called."

There were many reasons why Gwen always felt conflicted whenever she went to Los Angeles. Her brother Richie was one of those reasons. He resided in Los Angeles. Beverly Hills to be more exact. That's where he worked ever since he graduated from college. Like Gwen, Richie went into the entertainment industry. Except unlike Gwen, Richie made a career with his comedy. He was a stand-up comedian and also had his own radio show. A radio show that had a very good following. From what Gwen knew a lot of people found Richie's voice impressions to be hilarious. She would be lying if she said they weren't because they were very funny and spot-on. His slogan was also catchy and it was something that often popped in Gwen's mind whenever she thought of her younger brother.

"Richie Tozier is my name, and doing voices is my game."

Having Jeanne mention Richie almost caused Gwen's nonchalant act to fall apart. It had been a while since Gwen had seen her brother face to face. The last time she spoke to him in person was a few months ago. The day after their dad's funeral. The funeral Gwen failed to show up to. What had she done instead of being with her remaining grieving family? She stayed at some hotel and got wasted to the point of passing out on the bathroom floor. Gwen always drank her emotions away when dealing with something tragic (or even just in general when feeling like shit―which was often), but was never one to actually admit the problem aloud. Her dad passing away from cancer of the larynx was no exception. The emotional pain was there and she wanted it to go away...and it did...for a time. Then when the emotional pain returned she kept it to herself, bottled away.

And when the emotional pain from her father's passing came back (along with a terrible hangover), so did the yelling. Not only from her now elderly mother but also from her younger brother. Richie really let her have it the day after the funeral. He didn't hold back with the yelling. Needless to say some very harsh words were said, from both sides.

Though really the things they said to each other (mainly what Richie said to Gwen) was the truth. Gwen at the moment was hungover, irritated, and sad. She wasn't thinking straight and she walked away from the conversation. Since then she hadn't seen Richie in person. When they did speak on the phone (which was hardly ever) it was short and simple. Neither of them ever brought up the argument they had. It was as if what they said to each other didn't happen but of course the aftermath did.

"He called twice."

Jeanne continued to say and Gwen felt her stomach twist in what felt like guilt and regret. Gwen swallowed the lump in her throat and she pushed away the irritation she felt in her eyes as best she could. She casually put out the cigarette on the ash tray that was provided for her on the table. "Is that all?" She finally spoke with no waver in her voice.

Jeanne evenly stared at her boss. Even though Gwen remained nonchalant with what she told her about Richie calling, Jeanne knew that it was just an act. She might have not showed it up front but Gwen cared very much for her younger brother. She also missed him too. Jeanne was tempted to call her out on it (as she had done in the past) but decided not to. They were out in public and she could tell Gwen was already frazzled from that damn tabloid. Instead Jeanne shook her head, answering Gwen's question. "No. Cole called too. He told me to ask you if you had time for dinner before you left the city."

Yet another reason why she had conflicted feelings whenever coming to Los Angeles. This reason being Cole Foster. Gwen didn't date but if there was someone she'd come close to dating it was Cole Foster. She met the now forty-three year old male during her junior year in college. During one of Gwen's performance at the coffee shop located on UC Berkeley's campus.

At that time Cole had been working on becoming a cop and that's what he was now. He worked for the LAPD. Cole was handsome, and more on the rugged side. Therefore with his dark blond hair and green eyes it was really hard to not find him attractive. Especially when she met him during their twenties. His looks weren't what kept Gwen interested in him. As she came to know (through the many intimate nights they shared over the years), Cole was a catch. They had a lot in common and they got along. And besides...he really was a good guy. Which was something Gwen was grateful for because she had met a lot of assholes over the years. To say she knew a real kindhearted man was rare nowadays.

Gwen and Cole never made things official. Even after all these years of knowing each other. Cole was very much like her when it came to commitment. They just kept things casual between them. Whenever they were close by they'd call one another and get down to business. It wasn't just about the sex though. They sometimes hung out like friends would. Cole was also the one that taught her self-defense after one of her fans got too close and rough with her.

After that encounter, Gwen told her manager she wanted to learn some moves to protect herself and that's where Cole came in. Her manager Cynthia agreed because she didn't want another Annie Wilkes scenario to happen. Despite Gwen being a singer, Cynthia knew just how crazy a person could get when meeting someone famous. The last thing her manager wanted was for Gwen to go through what the author Paul Sheldon went through. An infamous fan gone rogue case that most entertainment managers knew about.

Things between Gwen and Cole as of late were...different. Gwen sensed that Cole now wanted more than just casually seeing each other. Which really she couldn't blame him. After all this time with seeing each other and yet they weren't official? Really she was more surprised he hadn't asked her sooner to be a couple, but she knew the question was soon to be asked. And that only distressed Gwen. Relationships weren't her thing. Just thinking about hearing Cole say those three words she'd heard before made her stomach twist but not from so called butterflies.

Gwen cleared her throat. "Anyone else call?"

Jeanne shook her head. "No, just them."

"Okay."

"They left voicemails, just in case."

Gwen just nodded her head.

Her response was simple but Jeanne knew better than to ask if she wanted to her to call them back, let alone listen to the voicemails. Gwen would...eventually. Jeanne grabbed her cellphone and looked at the time.

As this happened, the forty-two year then chugged what was left of her drink. It was a Gin and Tonic and it did nothing to make her feel better. Gwen told herself she would need more of the stronger stuff once she was home. She remembered there was a half filled bottle of Bourbon inside one of her kitchen counters.

"Our flight to London leaves in an hour." Jeanne suddenly reminded her causing Gwen's thoughts on drinking to falter. The dark haired woman let out a sigh as she reached for her purse.

"We might as well leave now. You know how chaotic traffic is here, especially near LAX." She rubbed her right sided temple as she got up. "God, that airport gives me a headache." She made sure to pay with cash and left their waitress a very generous tip. The young woman who served them had been kind enough to give her the table she wanted when asked for one that was more on the quiet side of the restaurant.

Jeanne put the iPad and her cellphone into her own purse. She then pulled out a pill bottle as she stood up. The auburn haired woman shook the bottle playfully. "Good thing I brought aspirin."

Gwen looked at Jeanne with a small thankful smile. It was the most happy she'd seen the older woman look today.

"Have I told you how much of an amazing assistant you are?" Gwen said as she reached for the bottle of aspirin.

"Yes, but I never get tired of hearing you say that." Jeanne quipped as she followed her boss out of the restaurant.

Gwen took an aspirin on the way to the airport just as she started to feel a headache start to form. This wasn't unusual since she got a lot of headaches while she traveled. Hopefully this time she wouldn't have a headache the whole plane ride. She could handle getting a headache the morning after a night of drinking but she couldn't stand getting a headache while on a plane. She hated those type of headaches the most.

Brighton, England

The flight from Los Angeles to London was eleven hours. Then add another hour of driving from London to Brighton. Luckily the aspirin that Jeanne gave her did its work. She only had to deal with a minor headache during the drive to the airport. Now the only thing she had to deal with was her being jet leg.

Gwen by now was used to feeling jet lag. She didn't like it but she was used to it. She had to. Her career involved a lot of traveling after all. At this point in her life she can say she had been everywhere. Well, not everywhere but she had been to a lot of interesting places that not most people never had the chance of traveling to. All thanks to her career. A career that not only had its ups but its downs as well...as she'd come to learn first hand.

Before driving to Brighton, she and Jeanne stayed in a hotel in London for a couple of hours, just to relax. London was a city she knew very well and liked just as much as the city of Brighton. Except if she had to pick, Gwen would hands down pick Brighton as her favorite city. Brighton was just amazing to her and she felt less distressed now that she was there again.

Getting out of the taxi, with her suitcases in hand, Gwen felt her mood somewhat lift once she breathed in the Brighton air. She smiled when she saw a college aged gay couple walking across the street. The guys were holding hands and they both were smiling. Gwen felt a warm feeling in her chest. That's why she loved living in Brighton. Everyone was open and accepting. Which fit right in Gwen's alley because she was never one to judge when it came to sexuality.

When asked in an interview, right around when she turned twenty-four, a reporter asked what she thought about same sex relationships. Gwen was a bit tipsy due to her having a few drinks before hand but her answer had been as genuine as it would have been if sober.

"Love whoever the fuck you want is what I say. As long as they're a decent human being and treat you with respect. If they are then I don't understand why others get involved in the first place, it's not like it affects them. At the end of the day it's your life, not theirs. They should just fuck off."

That caused quite the reaction. Back in the day (and sadly even now) a lot of people didn't agree with same sex relationships. Gwen remembered how much of a uproar her little interview response caused. Mainly from parents who were on the conservative side. Thankfully a lot of her younger fans stood by what she said. To this day she still had a good standing with the LGBT community. Gwen had even done performances in the past at LGBT events, which she had been more than happy to do.

Despite the world being more accepting with the LGBT community, homophobia still existed. However, it was a good thing she lived in a city that was more accepting towards the LGBT. Otherwise, Gwen would't have lived there if it weren't.

After giving the loving gay couple another look of contentment, Gwen made her way inside to her apartment. Now Gwen adored her apartment. It wasn't too big nor was it too small. The apartment was just the right size for one person. The apartment did have a spare bedroom and it was often used for Jeanne whenever she stayed over. Her auburn haired assistant though for the most part resided in London. Which was where she stayed behind. She was only an hour away if Gwen needed her. Usually she didn't when she was in the comfort of her apartment. Jeanne took this time for herself, which in Gwen's opinion she needed to take. The dark haired woman was a handful to be around, let alone work for.

Now that she was finally alone, Gwen's first task was to shower. After all that traveling she just wanted to wash away everything off of her.

She wanted to feel clean.

She dropped off her suitcases in her room and then walked over to her shower. Her shower was located in the main bathroom which was across from her bedroom. It was a decent sized bathroom, for one person that is. She turned on the water and made sure it was warm enough for her before she stepped inside. Gwen always liked to shower in warm water, to the point where it left her skin a good shade of pinkish red. Cole would give her shit at times whenever they showered together, complaining that the water was too hot and asking how she was able to stand the heat.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Cole would ask her and Gwen's reply would always be no. It never hurt her. She felt more discomfort when she showered in cold water. Cold water felt wrong, nasty, and it brought an ache to not only her right scarred shoulder but also between her legs. The feeling on her right shoulder she could ignore (at times) but she despised that ache between her legs.

Once undressed, Gwen got into her shower and began scrubbing herself. When it was just herself, and she wasn't in any rush to go anywhere, Gwen would take her time in the shower. She'd scrub, shampoo, condition and then repeat it all over again. Like a sort of ritual but didn't everyone have their own preference with how they showered?

By the now the warmth of the water had created a fog in her bathroom. Gwen didn't know how long she had been in the shower but her skin was that familiar pinkish red so she figured it was now time to get out. After turning off the water, Gwen reached for her towel and wrapped it around her body. She walked over to her foggy mirror and wiped it clean with her hand. She stared at her reflection. Now that she was makeup free she was easily able to see the tired lines underneath her eyes.

For being forty-two years old, Gwen was often told she looked good for her age. People would tell her she actually looked somewhere near her early thirties than forties. Gwen knew they were just being polite. In her mind she wasn't the beauty people made her out to be. She thought the curves she had didn't flatter her at all and that the size of her breasts were more of an inconvenience. Though she couldn't deny that's what helped her when it came to men. So having those features wasn't all bad...at times.

Gwen made her way into her bedroom and unzipped one of her suitcases. It didn't take long with what she wanted to wear. After putting on her undergarments she changed into one of her loose Nirvana band t-shirts with an olive cardigan over it and then grey sweats. Now that she was in the privacy of her apartment she didn't need to worry about looking good. Usually when out in public she always dressed her best. That meant dresses, suits, the occasional skirt, blouse, heels and etc. In simplest terms she needed to dress fashionable. However, now that she was in her apartment she could now dress like a homeless person if she wanted to.

Using her towel she quickly ran it through her hair. She used her hairbrush once it was less drenched. Gwen's hair wasn't super long as she used to have it. About a month or so ago she cut it. Before her hair used to reach her mid back but now it just went passed her shoulders. The haircut had been spontaneous and it wasn't something discussed with her manager. Cynthia wasn't mad though. Gwen's haircut was tame compared to the haircuts and hairstyles she used to have when in her twenties. There were pictures of course and for some of those hairstyles Gwen inwardly cringed at the decisions she made when she had been younger.

Gwen walked into her living room and sat on her couch. In her right hand she now had her cellphone. She decided to finally check her voicemails. With a sigh she unlocked her iPhone. She right away saw, as Jeanne told her, that she had to two voicemails. She clicked on the first one that said was from Cole Foster. Gwen put the cellphone against her ear and listened.

"Hey, Gwen. I'm not sure if Jeanne gave you my message, but I really wanted to catch up before you left. Give me a call and maybe we can meet up for dinner later? If not, then maybe when you're in the city again? I kinda have something to ask you. Anyways, I hope to hear from you soon."

Gwen lowered the cellphone and let out a sigh. She had been right with her original thought about Cole wanting to take things a step further. That did not sit well with her and there was a reason why.

Gwen Tozier was many things but a hopeless romantic was not one of them. Well…that's what she would tell herself anyways.

Love.

That four letter word bothered Gwen. The meaning behind that word was what made her into the emotional runner she was now. She didn't hate the idea of love…..she just couldn't see herself in a loving lasting relationship.

Love was just a word she tried her absolute best to avoid hearing or saying aloud. It helped that she no longer was that insecure teenage girl. That girl who once believed in true love was long gone. She was now a grown woman, and she knew how to act around the opposite sex. In fact, she had become quite the expert on how to handle men.

She knew how to make an impression.

It wasn't complicated. Which was a good thing because Gwen disliked it when things got complicated. For the most part her casual type of "dating" (if one would can even call it dating―it was more late night visits and occasional daytime visits as well) was understood by whoever she was interested in at the moment.

Unfortunately, throughout the years (especially during her college years) she would on occasion get an admirer who wouldn't get the hint of her lack of interest in dating. Gwen didn't do relationships. So once they asked her such a question, she would reject them.

It was a harsh thing to do but Gwen knew it needed to be done. Something within her told her not to date….to not fall in love….so, she didn't.

However, what was worse was when someone would utter that dreadful four letter word to her. Gwen always became a mess when some admitted they were in love with her. It provoked the fight or flight mode within her…and she always went with the second option. It became a sort of routine because once someone said that four letter word to her, Gwen automatically would put an end to things. Leaving that person heartbroken and confused.

The only exception from all that was Cole Foster.

He hadn't exactly said, "I love you" to Gwen but there were moments he came close to saying it. She knew he came close to saying that to her. Most of those times had been when they were in bed together.

Now Cole was a catch and they got along very well, and it also helped that sex with Cole was great. She had no complaints. Sex with Cole though (as with her passed flings) was a distraction and it helped push away the emptiness she felt...for awhile. She realized this the first time she had sex.

The first time Gwen had sex was uneventful. It wasn't like any of the romantic movies she watched over the years. There weren't any roses or candles. Nor did she do it in a fancy hotel room. It had been at a college party, upstairs in one of the bedrooms. She lost it to some guy named Evan Stuart who she met at the coffee shop she often frequented during her freshman year of college. The same coffee shop she'd later perform her songs when she started to get real serious with her solo singing.

Evan had been a nice guy. He was good looking but more importantly he was polite, funny, yet shy. For some reason one of the things that stood out about him to her was how much he liked nature. He had been a bit of a green thumb. So Gwen figured sleeping with him wouldn't be such a bad thing. She could have done worse. The whole thing (bumping uglies as some would call it) was brief and it was awkward as hell. As it turned out, Evan was a virgin too and had no idea what the hell he was doing. Despite the awkwardness, Gwen ended up sleeping with him a few more times after that and those other times were a lot better. A whole lot better. By the third time, Gwen had been able to feel that amazing release she heard the girls in her dorm room boast about. A release that Evan said he had been able to feel since the first time they had sex.

When Gwen felt that burst inside her it was as if she was hearing music for the first time. It helped her forget about anything that bothered her. She compared it to her antidepressants in a way. Except that blissful moment didn't last forever. So, Gwen enjoyed that toe curling moment whenever she could experience it.

However, having sex for the first time felt complete but also incomplete. Even now when she would have sex she'd still feel that way. She'd also feel very disgusted with herself for even having sex. As if it were a shameful act. It was a rather weird feeling because by now she was far from being pure. Gwen actually never saw herself as the pure type. Something within her told her she had lost that innocence a long time ago. So she was beyond puzzled as to why she had such negative thoughts about herself when it came to sex.

Gwen though kept all that negativity to herself as the years went by. Besides, she doubted anyone really wanted to hear about her sex problems and how emotional she got over them. Gwen let out another sigh as she looked at her cellphone again. It didn't take long to see another notification of a missed voicemail.

She didn't even need to read the name because she knew who it was. Her stomach twisted in that familiar guilt feeling as she put the cellphone against her ear again. She became still as a very familiar voice spoke.

"Gwen, I called twice. I tried but you didn't answer. Just like you never answer. Whatever. I saw you on TV...good to know that you're okay. Or at least you look like you're okay. I really would like to hear from you, and not just on the phone. I wanna see you in person. I admit I was a jerk the last time we saw each other...but to be fair so were you. We both said some shit, alright." There was a sigh and in Gwen's mind she could picture Richie running his hand through his dark locks. "Please call me. I really do miss you, sis."

Gwen let her cellphone fall onto the floor. She grabbed the nearest pillow and put it against her face. An uncontrolled scream then escaped her as she rocked back and forth. Once the screaming stopped she let go of the pillow. She felt her face all hot and the tears that were going down her cheeks. Gwen took a couple of minutes to control her breathing. She was about to reach for her cellphone that was on the ground when suddenly she caught her reflection on the living room TV. Even with its dark screen she was able to see herself. Her true self. She didn't see a successful singer, or a beautiful aged woman. Instead just saw a depressed, unlovable, forty-two year old woman who was broken. Inside and out.

Gwen began to wonder if she'd ever smile again. It wasn't like she never smiled. She had to for the cameras. She wondered though, when she was alone, like right now, if that genuine youthful like smile she had as a kid would ever appear again. If she'd ever be truly happy.

Probably not.

With her depression taking over (as it usually did), Gwen's thoughts of calling her brother left her and instead self-hatred started to grow within her again.

"Gwen...you fuck up." She muttered to herself as she still stared at her reflection. She then quickly got up from the couch and went into her kitchen. She opened the cabinet on the left and grabbed the half filled bottle of Bourbon that was in there. Gwen opened it and took a long gulp. She drank herself to sleep not long after. Just as she'd done multiple times in the past.

Gwen woke up much earlier than she wanted.

A ringing sound filled her ears. With her eyes still closed, Gwen let out a groan. There's was throbbing in her head and she knew was from a headache. She got them a lot after waking up from drinking. The ringing continued but Gwen ignored the ringing at first, thinking it was just a dream. She soon realized that she wasn't dreaming. She hardly ever dreamed and when she did they were more like nightmares than happy dreams. She once had a nightmare of her almost getting hit by a car and then there was the one where she fell off a cliff. More stressed filled nightmares of her dying or almost dying that was for sure.

Grumpily, Gwen reached for her cellphone that on the floor next to the now empty bottle of Bourbon. Once she managed to grab her cellphone she was surprised that wasn't where the ringing was coming from. This fully woke her up. Her gaze went around the house as she got up from the couch. Her dark brown eyes widened when she saw where the ringing was coming from. It was her house phone. Even with her staring at it, Gwen thought she was just imagining it. She was going through a hangover after all. However, with a quick pinch to her right hand it turned out she wasn't imagining it. Her home phone really was ringing.

Not a lot of people knew about the personal line she had at her apartment. There was a short list of people that could be calling her. She'd gotten calls before but all those past calls had been emergency ones. She could feel the hairs on her arms stand up from the chills. There was a sting coming from her right shoulder. It was very brief but she felt it.

Gwen began to think. At first she really doubted it was Richie who was calling. The last time Richie called on that line was to let her know that their dad died. Concern grew within Gwen. Maybe it had something to do with their mother? From what Gwen knew their mother was in great health, even with her old age. Still, maybe she had an accident. Even though Gwen and her mother didn't get along, she really hoped that wasn't the case. Maggie was still her mother after all.

Leaving her cellphone on the couch, Gwen made her way to her personal phone line. Surprisingly she was able to reach the phone without swaying back and forth. By now she'd even forgotten about her nagging headache.

When Gwen finally answered the phone she did her best to sound not the least bit perturbed. "Hello?"

"Gwen? Am I talking to Gwen Tozier?"

A frown immediately graced her face. The unfamiliar voice made her stomach feel all twisty from trepidation. The chills she felt went up a notch. "Yes, who's calling?"

There was a heavy sigh released on the other end of the phone line. "Gwen, it's me...Mike."