Disclaimer: I do not own IT or any of the characters. That all belongs to the awesome and talented Stephen King. I only own my OC and other characters I make up along the way.
A/N: I hope you guys had a great Halloween. If you follow me on Tumblr then you might have seen the photo of my costume. I went as Eleven from Stranger Things, wearing her mall outfit. I added sunglasses for the fun of it. Something random I wanna say is that I saw two boys dressed up as Eddie Kaspbrak, arm cast and one of them had the word Lover written on his cast. Amazing costumes.
Now for this chapter my emotions were all over the place when writing it. One minute I'm smiling and laughing because of the humor I managed to add, and then the next minute I am sad and upset at myself for the drama and angst I throw in. But all that has to be included.
Now I do want to warn you guys that this chapter will be more M rated, not that it hasn't already been. Nothing explicit happens...yet. What I mean is that we're going to be getting more of Gwen and Stan's POV regarding how they feel for another. Also, Gwen thinking about past sexual encounters she's had and how none of them compare to the way she gets when just being simply near Stan.
It's important to remember that the characters are adults now, and Gwen and Stan have history together. So it's a given that their feelings have intensified by a lot now that they're older. Even despite being separated for twenty-seven years and their memories fading, those two still love each other. This chapter will show that and how they are still pining for one another. So...enjoy that...along with the drama and angst that follows. I'll try to fix any spelling errors later.
But ya'll should listen to I'm Not In Love by Kelsey Lu. Her version of the song is amazing and I get major Gwen x Stan vibes when listening to it. I listened to a lot of music when writing this chapter. Once again the Euphoria soundtrack helped inspire me but I also listened to The Smiths when writing the last potion of this chapter. Which makes sense since The Smiths is one of Gwen's favorite bands.
Lastly, I don't own any of the songs or bands mentioned in this chapter.
"a flower knows, when its butterfly will return,
and if the moon walks out, the sky will understand;
but now it hurts, to watch you leave so soon,
when I don't know, if you will ever come back."
― Sanober Khan
Chapter 33: Unresolved feelings
Gwen really shouldn't have been surprised when she saw Stan's choice of vehicle. Of course he would drive a damn Prius. Not that it was a bad choice.
It actually was the perfect car for the curly haired man. The Prius after all had a long history as being a safe and reliable car. Not to mention it had that whole clean image about it. The car was most likely a rental since Stan had traveled from Atlanta. Still, Gwen couldn't deny the Silver Prius fit Stan's personality one hundred percent. From what Gwen was able to tell, Stan was still the same person he was twenty-seven years ago.
Except Gwen Tozier was soon going to learn that some things about Stanley Uris had changed.
Now it would be a huge lie to say that things between Gwen and Stan at the moment were fine and not at all awkward. Things between them were far from fine and it was awkward, really fuckin' awkward. Though it had been that way ever since the moment they laid eyes on each other...or to be more fair ever since Gwen saw Stan's wedding ring.
Gwen should have known better than accepting a car ride from Stan. Yes she wanted to spend time with him before they all left but how was she going to handle being alone with him? Especially in a damn car. She was so close to Stan now, and there was no one else there for her to focus on...and she really wished for someone else to be there. Anything to take her mind off of the handsome curly man that was to the left side of her.
Gwen honestly had no idea how she was able to remain composed since Stan and her entered the car. Having him within touching distance had Gwen's heart beating like crazy. She must have been doing a good job on hiding her outward panic because Stan hadn't given her any looks of bemusement. He instead was focusing on driving like the responsible driver he was.
Gwen, however, did notice the side glances he would do every so often. Catching a glimpse of his brown eyes did nothing to lower Gwen's already flushed state. His soft staring even made Gwen want her cover her already warmed up face with her hands out of shyness. Which was out of the ordinary for Gwen to feel that way. She wasn't the shy type anymore. She hadn't been the shy type for quite some time now.
Suffice to say with all the guys Gwen Tozier had been with over the years, with all the sex she partook in, she no longer was the somewhat timid, reserved girl she once was when in the presence of good looking males. Gwen at times could hardly believe that girl ever existed in the first place, especially with how easily she got men to get on their knees for her...figuratively and literally. She was in complete control of her emotions when it came to men.
However, there was just something about being in a locked space with Stanley Uris that had her heart pumping, slowed her breathing down, and had her face feeling all warm. She once again was finding it difficult to form a coherent sentence. Which just added to the awkwardness because there was silence in the damn car.
That just proved how completely flustered she was. Just as she had been when she heard Stan's voice on the phone, and when they had been at the Chinese restaurant together before the damn fortune cookie incident. This was an odd thing for Gwen. She hardly ever felt that way anymore. Not even during her past sexual encounters, and for some of those Gwen wasn't so proud of.
For instance one of those past sexual encounters Gwen wasn't proud of (nor did she get flustered in the slightest when it had happened), was when she tried anal sex for the first time. Not that she particularly enjoyed the first time she experienced it.
She only had anal sex two times in her life. The first time was awful but the second time was a bit better. The second time had been with Cole, and although it hadn't been as bad as her first time trying it (and despite her climaxing), Gwen still didn't want there to be a third time. Kudos to those who were able to handle it and do it properly by making sure their significant other was okay, but it just wasn't for her.
Quite honestly, Gwen wished she was able to take back her first time doing anal sex. Except what could she do now? As the saying went: What's done is done. That saying could apply to a lot of other things Gwen wished she was able to take back but couldn't.
Now the first guy she had anal sex with (she didn't even remember his damn name...that's how insignificant he was) had been rough with her, more so than what she was okay with. He also hadn't given her enough time to prepare for that to be done to her. So she felt more pain than pleasure during the act of it. The only good thing that came out of it was that the guy didn't last long. The sex ended just as soon as it started. However, due to his roughness, and overall selfishness on getting himself off only and not her, Gwen did not see him again. The guy called her twice after that, leaving voicemails saying how much of a good time he had but Gwen never returned his calls. He was a selfish prick who also kept calling her babes. Gwen hated being called that.
Gwen also didn't get flustered when her sophomore college roommate Lauren went down on her, or when she returned the favor so graciously. That was definitely one of her more pleasant sexual encounters (and one Gwen didn't regret doing at all) but despite that, Gwen hadn't been flustered in the slightest. Not really, anyways. There was no denying that it was fun and exciting being with another female (the only time she was ever actually with another female), but the caresses Gwen gave and received didn't make her blush like crazy.
Not like Stan did.
Really none of Gwen's past sexual encounters made her feel the way she was feeling right now as she sat next to Stan. This was actually the most hot and bothered she'd felt in like forever. It was as if there was something in the car air whispering to her to get closer to Stan. Not only that but it also as if something was telling her to also talk to Stan, really talk to him...about their unresolved feelings. Gwen of course fought against that. The thought of actually talking to Stan about that made her more timorous than any past fling she had.
Talking to Stan though about all that unresolved stuff between them was the last thing Gwen wanted to do. She'd do just about anything to avoid that from happening. In fact, despite not really liking anal sex, Gwen would have rather preferred getting fucked from behind again than to admit to Stan that she was still in love with him.
I am so messed up, Gwen solemnly thought as awkward silence continued to fill the inside of the Prius. Gwen swallowed the lump her throat and felt the dryness that was there. She was so damn thirsty but it wasn't water she was craving, nor was it physical contact from a certain curly haired man. Gwen wanted to reach into her purse and pull out her flask to drink from it. The Bourbon that was inside was calling out to her and she wanted to answer so badly.
Gwen knew she couldn't drink that shit in front of Stan. He'd probably question her about it, and would probably in some way bring it up to Richie. But really after what they witnessed at the restaurant who could really fault her for wanting another damn drink? She almost let that thought take over, and just as she was about to reach into her purse, Gwen suddenly got the strength to fight off the urge.
The strength wouldn't last though. Gwen figured she could keep it together just until she was back at the Townhouse and alone in her room. The Tozier women knew that in order for her strength to remain the awkward silence in the car needed to end. The awkward silence was eating away at her composure. She had to distract herself by doing something...and she knew exactly what she had to do.
Talk.
Gwen, however, was nervous to do such a thing. She couldn't even form a proper sentence, not since entering Stan's car. She had to say something though, otherwise she would soon be chugging down what was left in her flask.
Any sense of speechlessness went away when Gwen remembered she had yet to properly apologize to Stan. She needed to apologize to Stan for getting him to come to Derry. He didn't deserve to be dragged into this mess...and she had to make that clear. As he said himself, he belonged at home...with his wife. Gwen finally broke the silence, finding her voice again. This time forming an understandable sentence.
Trying her hardest to ignore the heat coursing through her, Gwen turned to look at the curly haired man on her left. "I am so sorry for telling you to come here, Stan." She began to softly say. "If had known that this was about IT..." She briefly closed her eyes, fighting away the tears that she knew were going to form if she had left them open any longer. She had to count to eight before she opened them again. When she did so she was surprised to see Stan's brown eyes staring right back at her.
Apparently they where at a red light, giving Stan enough time to really look at her. Gwen without thinking reached to touch the ring around her neck. "I...I'm just really sorry." She ended up saying, liking how the coldness from the ring felt against her fingers. The Tozier woman stopped touching the ring when she saw how Stan was staring at the piece of jewelry. His stare was nothing but warmhearted and that made Gwen feel even more worse with herself. He's married, Gwen thought sadly...yet again.
"You don't need to apologize, Gwen." Stan answered trying his best to not let his shame come through. He knew what would have happened if Gwen hadn't called him. He hated himself for almost going through with that plan. If he had gone through with it he never would have reunited with his friends...he never would have reunited with her. Now here he was with his childhood love again. The ring that showed he was married was forgotten about at the moment as he stared at the beautiful woman that was next to him.
"I made the choice to come to Derry. No one else made that choice but me. I'm here now, Gwen...with you."
That had been Stan's response but what he actually wanted to say was that the real reason he was there in the first place was because of her. If it hadn't been for her phone call he wouldn't even be alive right now. Gwen saved his life but he sadly couldn't let her know that. At least not at the moment. He knew that saying anything about that would cause a disturbance with her and the others, and who needed that drama when they already had IT going after them. Besides, Stan was ashamed that suicide had been something he'd been close to doing. What would his friends think if they knew? More importantly, what would Gwen think? Probably that he was a coward.
Stan wouldn't even be upset if they called him that...if she called him that. He was a damn coward. He turned away from Gwen to face forward again, and then lowered his eyes.
"Stan?"
Gwen's sweet sounding voice (the one he loved so much) called out causing Stan to eagerly lift up his head to look her away again. The shame from before was still residing inside of Stan but looking at Gwen made the shame lessen a little. Some part of him was hoping that Gwen somehow knew what he had been close to doing before her call and that she was now about to comfort him, and say that she still loved him. That she would take him into her arms again, giving him the psychical contact he had been yearning for.
"Yes?" The curly haired man answered with such hope that her response made him deflate immediately.
"The light's green again." Gwen simply told him as she gestured forward.
"Oh." After a very brief moment, Stan was able to get himself in check. He shook his head, curls swaying and disappointment could be heard in his voice. "Right."
Gwen felt like an absolute bitch after hearing how downhearted Stan sounded and looked as he continued driving. She should have said something more meaningful after he had said that whole choice speech to her. It definitely seemed like they were having a moment and that it was her turn now to say something sincere back to him. Yet her response had been "the light's green again." What the fuck was wrong with her?
Except what exactly was she supposed to say back? I came back here for you too? That didn't seem like an appropriate response. Not to a married man at least. Then again, after thinking about it more thoroughly, what Stan had said to her could also be considered inappropriate. However, Gwen justified it since they were close friends.
Friends.
Gwen briefly closed her eyes as that word caused a muscle in her right cheek to twitch. Once her eyes were open again she said the first thing that came to her mind. "Do you mind if I turn on the radio?" She felt like a fool. This was something that she could have asked from the moment they entered the car but that would have required talking anyways.
"No, go ahead."
With Stan's approval Gwen turned on the car's radio. Both her and Stan were more than shocked when Biz Markie's song Just a Friend began to blast in the car. The two adult could do nothing but listen as they each panicked on the inside.
You, you got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
Finally, Stan cleared his throat. His cheeks and ears felt so warm. "Sorry." He sheepishly began saying to Gwen as the song continued to play. He kept his gaze on the road ahead of him. He couldn't handle the bemused stare Gwen must have been giving him. "It's just that I usually listen to nineties radio station and well..." He trailed off, unable to finish that sentence. If he had known that song was playing he would have convinced Gwen to not turn on the radio...but how was he supposed to know that?
Due to how he was looking forward, Stan didn't see that Gwen was not at all giving him an odd look. "No, it's okay." The Tozier woman didn't hate the song but at the moment the song just added to the awkwardness that was already there. What was sung next didn't help either.
Forget about that, let's go into the story
About a girl named "blah-blah-blah" that adored me
So we started talkin', gettin' familiar
Spendin' a lot of time, so we can build up
A relationship or some understanding
Gwen grimaced a little. "You know what...I'll just turn it off." Once the radio was off the awkward silence returned. However, it didn't last long. Well, the silence didn't last but the awkwardness, however, sure did.
"Gwen?"
Gwen let out a sigh of relief when Stan spoke. "Yeah?"
Any relief she had instantly went away with what he asked next.
"Who's Cole, really?"
All sorts of cuss words exploded in Gwen's head after hearing that question. Why the hell was he asking her that question? She already told him, along with the others enough about Cole. Maybe it was because of the damn song, or maybe it was because it was just the two of them now, that Stan hoped she would say more about him. Whatever the reason, Gwen was going to keep her answers short and simple.
"I told you, Cole's a guy I'm seeing." She nonchalantly tried telling him. Looking out the window she wondered why the fuck it was taking so damn long to arrive back to the Townhouse.
"Have you..." Stan had to control his voice from wavering. "Have you been with him?"
Gwen looked his way again. She saw how he was focusing on the road ahead of him, and even though that was the responsible thing to do, Gwen was irked. She knew what he really meant by that question. She kept her eyes steady on his form. "You mean have I had sex with him?" There was a pause and she was expecting during that pause that he'd at least give her a quick glance as he had been doing before...but he didn't. A heavy sigh was let out by her.
"Stan, I'm a forty-two year old woman. Of course I've had sex with him." Gwen added that last part with extra attitude. At first Gwen didn't know why exactly she sounded like that, so bitchy, but then she realized it was because she wanted him to hate her for it. Maybe it would be better if Stan just hated her. If he thought she was the loose woman the media portrayed her as. Hell, Gwen herself was beginning to think that maybe she was as promiscuous as everyone said she was.
Stan's hold on the steering wheel tightened. His heart ached but overall he did a pretty good job with showing (or not showing) how upset he was. He knew that Gwen must have been sexually active with that Cole guy. As she had said she was a forty-two year old woman. Some ridiculous part of him though was hoping she'd say no. That she hadn't been with anyone and that she was waiting for the right person. That she was waiting for him.
However, he was a hypocrite for thinking that way when he himself had already been with another woman. Still, he couldn't deny that it hurt to hear how Gwen had sex with that Cole guy, and how there must have been others too. Unknown to Gwen, the last thing Stan felt for her was hatred. "Do you love him?" He ended up asking in such a quiet voice that it had Gwen returning to that shy demeanor she had on before.
"Stan."
Stan remained firm with his question, surprising Gwen. He sounded so determined in getting an answer out of her that it had Gwen's heart racing. Not out discomfort but out of...excitement? During their youth Gwen hardly ever remembered Stan sounding that way. He seemed so assertive but without over doing it. She had to admit she would have liked it more, if not for the certain question he was asking.
"You said that he could be the one you end up being with." Stan added with a frown as he made a turn. "So, do you love him?"
Getting a hold of herself, Gwen let out a huff. "I'm not gonna answer that." At the restaurant when she talked about Cole, Gwen immediately inwardly told herself she'd been making a mistake with announcing something so personal, and now here it was biting her on the ass.
"That seems like a good enough answer to me." Stan replied, frown long gone. He wasn't outwardly all smiles but inwardly he was feeling content that she hadn't said she loved Cole.
Oh, that's how he wanted to take things? Fine. Gwen narrowed her eyes at him. "What about you?"
"What?" Stan wasn't expecting her to respond back but really he should have. This was Gwen Tozier after all. It was silly to think he would get the last word.
"Do you love your wife?"
Stan's grip on the steering wheel loosened. This time he did give Gwen a side glance. "I care deeply for Patty."
Patty. So that was her name. It was a pretty name. Gwen knew his wife had to have a pretty name. "So, you do love her then?" The Tozier woman asked, now preparing herself from the emotional pain that she was probably going to feel.
"Yes."
Stan's answer sounded so rehearsed that it had Gwen furrowing her eyebrows. She was quiet before she spoke again. "But are you in love with her?" There was no attitude in her tone of voice, only earnestness.
Stan became quiet but from the side Gwen could tell he was having some kind of debate with himself on the inside. It during his silence that Gwen realized this was almost exactly like the conversation she had with her father when she asked if he loved her mother. He answered yes but faltered when she asked if he was still in love with her. Just like with her father, Stan's silence was enough of an answer for Gwen.
Soon enough the car was parked and Gwen was shocked that she hadn't noticed the Townhouse right away. She wanted to get out right away, knowing that things were about to get real between her and Stan. However, she found herself still seated, looking towards Stan and her heart only continued to race as he fully stared at her. Those soft brown eyes of his made Gwen want to cry and smile at the same time.
"I don't want to leave you." Stan suddenly said causing Gwen to look at him with a look of shock now. That was not something she was expecting to hear.
"Stan, you're married." Gwen replied somberly. Even though she'd been with countless men she had never been with a married man before, and she wasn't planning on changing that. She wasn't a homewrecker. But what if this home was already wrecked to begin with? Gwen quickly pushed that thought way. That was dangerous territory.
Now instead of Stan answering with, 'Yes, I am' he instead answered by saying, "I...I remember our first kiss."
Gwen felt her stomach twist, both from nerves and pleasantness. "The one after the blood oath." She softly said as she maintained eye contact with him. She now was able to remember their first kiss perfectly now. The memory played in her head and it made her release a small smile. It had been a simple and innocent kiss, yet Gwen was realizing just how much that simple and innocent kiss meant to her more than the other kisses she'd received over the years.
Stan nodded his head. "Yeah, after you told me we couldn't be together." His brown eyes now held the same pain she had seen all those years ago.
The small smile Gwen had went away as she now felt guilt. Just as she had felt on the day she had rejected him. There was a good reason for that though...and clearly she had to explain to him again. "Stan, I did that because―"
"To protect me." Stan interrupted her lowly. He was frowning again. "Yeah, I remember your reasoning."
"It worked out for the best, right?" Gwen halfheartedly told him. She felt like slapping herself for how damn stupid that whole thing sounded. Not to mention she didn't sound convincing enough.
Stan looked about as content as she did. Gwen could also see how his eyes now not only held sadness but also displeasure. "Do you really think that?"
Gwen couldn't give him a verbal response that time. She instead just shrugged her shoulders. The Tozier woman for sure thought that their conversation wasn't going to end right then and there. She was ready to get out of the car, willingly to let him get the last word. However, Stanley Uris was not done talking just yet.
"You know what else I remember? I remember our second kiss. The one at Francine's graduation party. When we went upstairs."
Crap.
Gwen had to stop her eyes from widening so comically. Much like with their first kiss, she now was able to perfectly remember their second kiss. It technically wasn't even a kiss, it was a full out make out session. The memory began playing in her head like a movie. She remembered how nice it felt to have Stan on top of her, how soft his lips had felt against her own.
Stan himself remembered how amazing it felt to have his hands run through her hair. Just as he had done when reuniting with her again. How they both at one point whispered 'I love you' to each other (he knew they had), and how Stan just about lost it then and there. However, he also remembered how the following morning he had completely forgot to say goodbye to her. It hadn't been until hours later, after her departure, that he remembered and he hated himself for forgetting. He was starting to realize the who the real culprit was in all that.
IT.
The damn entity must have had something to do with him forgetting to say goodbye to Gwen. Like Mike had told them during dinner, the damn entity still had some hold over the town of Derry. Even when they had thought IT was dead the entity was still trying to ruin their lives. And IT had succeeded in doing that. The night at the graduation party was the last time Stan and Gwen spoke to each other. Until tonight that is. Twenty-seven years later.
"I wanted to talk to you again before you left for college. But IT..." Stan let out a frustrated sound. "That entity made me forget. I know that IT did. Because that's what IT does, like Mike said. And maybe if IT hadn't done that maybe we would have worked something out between us." He started to vehemently tell her. "I know you didn't want to be with me because you were worried I'd get hurt or worse but..." One of his hands began to reach out for one of Gwen's. "Maybe we would have gotten together anyways and nothing would have happened to me. Maybe if things went that way I would have never married Patty and―"
Gwen sprang into action when she felt how Stan touch her hand. What he was saying, along with his touch, made Gwen panic. This was too much. "I...I can't have this conversation with you. Not in here." She hurriedly undid her seat belt and with her purse in hand she opened the car door. Gwen was hearing Stan call out her name but she completely cut it off once she saw a familiar person standing close the curly haired man's car.
Gwen then burst not only from shock but also from annoyance. There standing so close to the Silver Prius was her brother. "What the hell? Were you spying on us?" She was too annoyed now to notice that Stan had gotten out of the car to stand next to her. The curly haired man was also looking at Richie with an expression that matched her own.
The hands that had been inside Richie's leather jacket remained there as he shifted his weight between his feet. "I was about to knock on the car window." He tried casually telling her. His expression, however, was of a deer caught in headlights. That only made Gwen not believe what he told her. Her eyes widened even more when she saw Eddie. The risk analyst was behind Richie, crouching down.
"Eddie? You too?" Gwen couldn't believe this. Could her night get any weirder? Well, actually yeah it could considering there was a damn evil entity after her and her friends. She shook her head, focusing on what was currently happening.
Stan looked at Eddie in complete disbelief. Sure he wasn't surprised that Richie would do this sort of thing (he was always the nosiest one out of all of them), but Eddie?
Eddie quickly stood up now that he had been seen by Gwen and Stan. "I was tying my shoes!" He hurriedly said as he tried not moving his hands around in a panic.
Stan just shook his head as Gwen rolled her eyes. "Un-fuckin'-believable."
There was oncoming footsteps but none of them needed to look where they were coming from to know who they belonged to.
"What are you guys doing?" Ben's voice rang in the air. The group of friends saw him and Beverly staring at them with puzzled expressions.
The redhead tilted her head a bit. "Why are you guys outside? Were you waiting for us or something?"
Gwen was the one to answer her. "No, I was just getting out of Stan's car only to find out that Richie and Eddie were spying on us."
Eddie raised his hands defensively. "I wasn't spying! I was tying my shoes."
"Yeah, and like I said I was about to knock on the car window to make our presence known." Richie once again nonchalantly tried saying to all of them.
Gwen still wasn't buying it, and neither was Stan.
"Right." The curly hair man drawled.
Ben looked at Richie and Eddie the same way a father would when he caught one of his son's breaking a rule. "Guys, that's not right." He said shaking his head at his two friends.
"What was the point in doing that?" Beverly asked still beyond perplexed. "Hoping you'd catch them doing something?"
Richie remained cool but Eddie broke. "No! We, I mean..." He looked at Richie and wanted to flat yell at him for putting him in this position. How was he able to stand there without losing any sense of composure? Damn him and his coolness. Eddie both found that annoying but also strangely endearing in a way. He took a second to collect himself. "Like I said I was just tying my shoes."
Gwen just about had it. She ran a hand through her dark locks. "Let's just forget about it." Eddie right away nodded his head.
"I agree, let's just get our shit and get the fuck out of here." Richie announced as began making his way towards the Townhouse entrance.
Soon the group made their way inside the Townhouse. Gwen had passed Richie making him frown a little. He noticed how Stan was next to him but the curly haired man was paying more attention to his sister than him or the other Losers. That wasn't anything new but what was new was the sad look he had going on. From what he had seen, Stan and Gwen were having a meaningful conversation...up until Gwen raced out of the car. Richie wondered just what exactly had been said. Whatever it was it made Stan sad and Gwen...well, his sister seemed more agitated. However, that certainly could have more to do with how she caught him and Eddie spying on her and Stan.
"Did you leave your stuff here?" Eddie quickly asked Ben who was behind him.
Ben sighed as he came to a stop. "No, my stuff's still in the car." Eddie heard his answer and then went upstairs but it seemed he was the only one to do so. Ben let his gaze wander to the bar the Townhouse had and saw how Beverly and Gwen were already behind it, going through the liquor there. Ben noticed though that Gwen was more animated with her movements than Beverly. It was as if Gwen was looking for something in particular. When he came closer he saw Stan and Richie, and they were both looking at the Tozier woman with worried looks. Richie's being the most profound.
Ben frowned when he saw Beverly grab a bottle and noticed how Gwen stared at it with an almost crazed look in her eye.
"Give me that." Gwen told Beverly with such demand that the redhead froze in place. The Tozier woman ended up taking the bottle of Bourbon from her hands. Any sense of mortification she had with being caught drinking by Stan, her brother, or any of the other Losers was long forgotten. She was so fuckin' frustrated and she needed a damn drink. She was about to open the bottle and chug it right then and there without a glass, when Richie's voice stopped her from doing so.
"Gwen."
The frustration that was already in Gwen tripled once hearing her brother's tone of voice. It was the same tone of voice he used whenever he got serious. The disapproving look he was giving her also didn't make her feel any better. In order not to lose her composure she reminded herself of the truce they made. Still, Gwen was desperate for alcohol, and that made her anger spike.
"Just let me have one God damn drink, Richie." Gwen raised her voice causing the others to turn her way with concerned looks. Richie not only looked concern, but he also looked so hurt that she had actually raised her voice at him. Even Beverly had set aside the new drink she had poured herself for the moment. Gwen tried to keep a neutral demeanor but she couldn't handle their staring for long. The anger that blasted through her was going away and the guilt from yelling at her brother was settling in. She let go of the bottle of Bourbon and took a step back from the bar. "I'll just go get my stuff." She told them and then without saying anything else she rushed upstairs.
The Tozier woman berated herself as she made her way to the room she was staying at. Why did she have to do that? She knew her brother was only coming from a good place. However, her emotions were all over the damn place with anger getting the best of her the moment. Gwen had no one to blame but herself. Well, actually there was a someone else she could blame, or rather, something else she could blame.
Fuck my ugly ass-self for being such a bitch to the people I care about, but also fuck IT for not dying in the first place. Stupid ass clown. I need a damn drink. Gwen couldn't wait anymore. Once alone in her room, she reached into her purse and pulled out her flask. She then chugged down the remaining Bourbon that was left. She scrunched up her face as she felt the alcohol go down her throat. It burned but she welcomed the familiar sensation.
There was a knock on Gwen's door that made her jump in place. She quickly stuffed her flask back into her purse and then threw it onto her bed. The Tozier woman was almost expecting to see Richie on the other side of the door when she answered it but it wasn't Richie who was there. It was Stan.
The curly haired man stood there with an expression that showed nothing but absolute concern. There were a few seconds of silence between the adults, with the two of them just staring at one another before Stan finally spoke. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He told her causing Gwen to feel those damn butterflies again.
"I'm fine." Gwen awkwardly remained standing in front of the door. A few more seconds of silence passed before she finally gestured for him to come in. He did so as Gwen made her way back towards her bed where her suitcase was. She made sure to keep the door opened though, and was thankful Stan left it that way. "I just had one of my many outbursts." She said a shame filled tone of voice. "I should apologize to Richie though. That was pretty bitchy."
"He said he was okay." Stan told her as she was now going through her clothes in her suitcase. "He also said that he's dealt with worse."
Gwen's movements stopped for a brief moment there. "Yeah, he unfortunately has." She then continued her searching. It didn't take long for her to find the band t-shirt she had been looking for. The Smiths. Once found she looked towards Stan. Heat reached her cheeks again when she saw how he was staring at her. She had to control her breathing with what she was about to do next. "You probably want this back." She began taking off the grey cardigan Stan had let her borrow. "Here." She was puzzled when Stan didn't take the cardigan right away from her.
Stan felt the tip of his ears and cheeks start to warm up. Gwen now stood there in her black lace trim camisole. She wasn't technically naked but Stan sure felt like she was. His mind was being filled with images and thoughts about Gwen, and he did his best for them not to affect him in anyway. He cleared his throat, lowering his eyes a bit from the curvaceous woman before him.
"No, that's okay." Stan proceeded to answer as he gently pushed the cardigan further into her hands. By now he was able to maintain eye contact again with her again. "You can keep it."
Gwen liked the idea of keeping the cardigan but her more polite side kept telling her to give it back to Stan. "I'm going to put on another shirt, Stan. I don't need it anymore.
"I insist you keep it." Stan gave her a look that made Gwen almost swoon yet again. Damn those brown eyes of his. "You look better in it than I do anyways."
That last line did the trick because Gwen no longer tried giving it back to him. "Thanks." She gently set the grey cardigan to the side and then took out the band t-shirt she found from her suitcase. Keeping her back at a certain angle, Gwen quickly put on the band t-shirt. Once covered, she fully faced Stan again. She frowned when she saw his face.
"What?" Gwen asked panicking. Had he seen the scar on her shoulder? The Tozier woman had done her best to hide it from him as she put on the band t-shirt. It then began to dawn on her that maybe she shouldn't have changed in front of Stan. Especially not after the conversation they had not so long ago. But it wasn't really changing now was it? She just put a band t-shirt and she already had something on underneath anyways. However, that something underneath was more of the showy side...so...yeah, she should have known better. The again, he had seen her wear that at the restaurant already. It shouldn't have affected him anymore. She was about to apologize but Stan spoke and what he ended up saying caused Gwen to release a sad smile.
"It's just that you're dressed like you used to. You know, when we were young." Stan stared at her so softly that it made Gwen get images of the both of them when they had been kids. Her riding her bike around in band t-shirts and shorts, and him tagging along wearing shirts that were neatly tucked into those cleans pants or shorts he would wear. She was the wild one and he was the sensible one.
Perhaps that hasn't necessarily changed either, Gwen thought as she stared into Stan's brown eyes. "I'm still a fan of band t-shirts."
Stan smiled causing Gwen's own smile to grow just a bit more. "I guess some things never do change."
"No, I guess not."
Things got quiet between them again and Gwen used that time to fix the clothing in her suitcase again.
"Gwen, about what I said in the car."
The Tozier woman's heart raced as soon as she heard him say that. She did her best to not look at him as she finally answered him. "Do we really have to talk about that?"
"You said you couldn't have the conversation in the car, and we're not in the car anymore." Stan evenly pointed out.
Damn it. Gwen huffed as she closed her suitcase. She plastered on a cool expression on her face letting Stan know he had her attention now. Stan nodded his head before he continued to talk.
"I remember how serious you sounded when you said we couldn't be together." Stan's voice reflected the emotional pain that showed in his eyes when he said that. "How you were worried IT was going to come after me like it did with Chase because you weren't sure IT was dead."
Gwen now remembered quite well who Chase had been. Chase Campbell was his name and he had been the boy Gwen had strong feelings for when she had been fifteen years old. Chase, in fact, had been the first guy she truly liked and his death left her so devastated. His death was ruled as a suicide only for her to find out some time later that IT was the one who killed him. Chase's death, along with IT, frightened Gwen from pursuing a romantic relationship with Stan. She had been in so much emotional pain when she rejected Stan, but he must have felt twice that pain because of how vulnerable he was. She hadn't liked hearing him sound so dejected back then...just as he was sounding now.
However, what he said about the evil entity definitely stood out and it allowed Gwen to momentarily push away his and her own emotional pain. "And I was right. IT wasn't dead. So rejecting you was a smart move." It didn't take long for Gwen to realize that the last part she said was not such a good thing to say. Damn her word vomit.
Stan could have sworn he heard glass shattering, or maybe that was just his heart. "Rejecting me was smart move. Wow." He repeated with a humorless chuckle. He got a hold of himself and then looked at Gwen, solemn. "What are your plans now?"
"Go home." Gwen simply answered without skipping a beat. She felt awful for not only snapping at Richie but also for the comment she made about rejecting Stan.
"You're going to try to work things out with that Cole guy." Stan stated more than asked her.
Gwen wanted to pull at her hair for getting into the topic of Cole again. "I don't know, Stan. Why does that even matter to you?"
Stan crossed his arms over his chest. His expression far from content now. "Because according to what you told me all those years ago, you being with someone is putting them at risk."
"It's different with Cole." Gwen muttered. "Besides, it's not like I actually..." The Tozier woman's eyes widen and she quickly shut her mouth. Stan, however, had heard enough.
Stan lowered his arms back to his side as walked closer to her. "What?"
"Nothing." Gwen shook her head. "I said nothing."
"No, you definitely said something." Stan took another step towards her. His face was now free from discontent and instead hopefulness could be seen there. "Or you were going to."
"Stan." Gwen's heart was beating like crazy with how close the curly haired man was getting to her. She kept still though, not wanting to be the one to back down. Gwen thought that if she did this Stan would come to a stop but what a foolish thought that had been. Well, he did end up stopping...right until he was in front of her.
His lighter brown eyes now stared down into her dark brown eyes. "You're not worried that he'll get hurt like you did with me because you're not what?"
"In love with him." Gwen finally snapped throwing her arms in the air. Stan being too close to her, and the way he was looking at her finally got her crack. "You happy now?"
Stan shook his head. "No, not yet. You're not in love with him because."
Gwen closed her eyes. "Please don't make me say it." She didn't jump in place or move to push Stan away when she felt him put his forehead on her own. When she opened her eyes she saw how he was staring down at her in that loving way of his. The same stare he used to give her when they had been younger. It made her want to cry but this time she had no idea if she wanted to cry out of sadness or happiness.
"I just need to hear it once." Stan started to quietly beg her. "Please, Gwen. Just once." He removed his forehead from hers but then brought one of his hands to touch the ring that was around her neck. "I mean, you do right? Otherwise why would you have kept the ring I gave you?"
The Tozier woman had to control her breathing. "It is a pretty ring."
Stan lowered his hand only to reach for one of Gwen's hands now. "It has a lot more to do than with you thinking the ring is pretty."
Unlike in the car, Gwen didn't pull her hand away. She instead intertwined their fingers, making the touch way more intimate. "You're right." She let out a sigh. Soon Gwen would curse herself for allowing that to happen but at the moment she forgot about Stan's marriage to Patty. She also forgot about the whole IT dilemma, and instead focused on the man she was harboring strong feelings for. Feelings that hadn't decreased in the past twenty-seven years. "It's because I lov―" Gwen stopped talking and a frown soon graced her face when she heard a noise. She let go of his hand when she looked towards the door. "What the hell is that?"
Stan although extremely disappointed that their moment had been ruined, was also curious to know what that noise was. Gwen and him kept quiet again and it didn't take long to determine what was probably happening downstairs.
Stan furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at Gwen. "Are they arguing?"
"We should go check it out." The Tozier woman said as she was already leaving the room. Stan sighed still feeling disappointment but followed along anyways. It didn't take them long to see Ben, Beverly, and Richie talking rather heatedly, or actually it was just Richie who seemed to be talking that way. The bespectacled man was pacing back and forth while Beverly remained in place with Ben standing next to her. Eddie wasn't there with them but Gwen and Stan figured he must have still been getting his stuff ready.
"What's going on here?" Stan asked his friends when Gwen and him stopped near them.
Gwen was about to ask the same thing when Richie rushed to her side. He immediately brought her into a bone crushing hug that confused Gwen. She thought for sure that Richie was going to ignore her after her outburst but here he was hugging her. Huh...odd. Gwen went with it though and patted his back. "If you're trying to hug me to death for raising my voice at you, I want you to know that I am sorry." She said lightheartedly but her apology was one hundred percent genuine.
Richie pulled back from the hug after she said that and Gwen frowned when she saw the serious look he had going on. "Don't joke about death right now. Just don't."
Gwen shared a bemused look with Stan who was just as confused. "Uh, what's going on? Did something happen?"
Richie turned to look at Beverly. "Tell them what you told Ben and me, Beverly." Richie told his red haired friend. Gwen could tell her brother was trying his hardest to remain steely but she was able to pick on his distress when he spoke. "Come on, tell them."
After he said that, Richie put an arm around Gwen's shoulders and brought her closer to him. Gwen's puzzlement grew even more. Usually she would have loved having her brother show her affection like that but something was telling Gwen that Richie was doing this as way to calm himself down. Clearly, whatever Beverly had said (and was about to say again) upset Richie enough that he had to have her close to him.
Beverly looked put on the spot and it wasn't until Ben gently squeezed her shoulder that she was able to get herself together. Beverly opened her mouth but footsteps coming downstairs made her closer her mouth again. They all turned to see that it was Eddie with his suitcases in hand.
"I just gotta grab my toiletry bag and then we can go." Eddie's face fell when he saw his friends. They looked distressed, which only caused him to feel distressed too. "What I'd miss?" He asked nervously.
"Beverly, it's okay. You can tell us." Gwen softly told her. She felt her heart ache when she saw Beverly's eyes start to glisten. The redhead shook her head.
"No, it's not okay."
"Why is it not okay?" Stan carefully asked Beverly.
"Because I saw all of us die." Beverly finally announced causing Gwen, Stan, and Eddie to look at her with horror in their eyes. Despite already hearing this, Ben and Richie were still disturbed by such revelations. Richie brought his sister even closer to him because Beverly had yet to admit one more thing to her, Stan, and Eddie. This last thing though was more about Gwen, and when Richie first heard it his body went cold.
Beverly's blue greenish eyes then connected with Gwen's dark brown eyes. A tear went down Beverly's cheek with what she said next. "Except for you." She told Gwen in a wavering voice. "I saw all of us die except for you."
"I...I don't die?" Gwen questioned. She didn't sound relieved at all, if anything she sounded more scared.
Beverly shook her head. "No, you only wish that you were dead." More tears escaped her with what she said next. "You're in so much pain, Gwen. Like you're being ripped apart from the inside out."
That certainly made a chill go down Gwen's back and her right shoulder started to hurt again. She had to pull away from her brother because of the pain radiating from her right shoulder but the look Richie gave her let her know that he must have understood why she had done that. He still remained close to her as she intently looked at Beverly. Gwen wanted to ask her how she knew all that but all she could get out was a very simple and low response.
"Fuck."