Chapter 3- Denial is the shock absorber of the soul

There were probably better strategies for dealing with being an unemployed pregnant woman than just living on the couch and watching HGTV marathons for hours on end, but Meredith wasn't interested in them. Her sister had tried to get her out of the house, her best friend had suggested a make over, but Meredith had already decided that she was just going to live on her couch and contemplate how her life had gone so terribly wrong. She wasn't actually doing much contemplating, it was more all avoiding and screaming at stupid women who didn't realize you could change paint colors, but she told her worried friend and sister that she was contemplating.

Since she had been laid off five weeks earlier, she had pretty much been living her life under a banner of avoidance. She didn't answer the calls from her parents, she barely answered her text messages, and she had somehow avoided herself right into the second trimester of her unexpected pregnancy. Maybe she had already made her choice before or maybe she just had been too afraid to actually sit and examine the pros and cons of carrying Scott's baby and deciding to raise it on her own, but she was now fifteen weeks pregnant. She didn't know much beyond that and she knew she was overdue for an appointment, but getting up and going to the doctor just felt too hard right now. All she felt like she could do was just be on her couch and figure out if she could avoid the mess of her life for the next seven months.

None of it made any sense. Or it did make sense, she understood what happened, but she just didn't understand why all of it had happened all at once. She had tried to reach out to some editors, but no one had returned any of her emails or calls or desperate DMs. She was completely unemployable and she was expecting a tiny human into her life in a few months, a tiny human that she couldn't even bring herself to tell her parents about. They had been devastated when she had told them she had been laid off, they had actually been so concerned that she hadn't gotten the chance to tell them that her douchebag boss had also knocked her up and that she was going to keep it and be a mom. It had all just seemed too crazy.

So she just wasn't going to move and she wasn't going to tell her parents right now and…HGTV. She was going to watch HGTV and yell at the stupid people and try not to think about the fact that there was a small curve underneath her sweatpants, rising over her pelvis and making itself known. A curve meant she had to face things. A curve meant she had to stare her future in the face and come up with a plan. So she was just going to avoid and watch TV and contemplate what to order in for lunch. Pasta sounded good but so did tacos and some insane voice in her head was telling her both together would be amazing. But that voice was stupid and was in cahoots with the curve so she just wasn't listening to it.

If she thought like a normal person, then she could just pick one and that would be it. It was just food and food was just for sustenance or whatever. She curled around a pillow, hugging it over the stupid curve, and took a deep breath as she turned her attention back to the TV. Some couple was on the screen talking about the three houses they had been shown and Meredith was pretty sure they were the biggest idiots of all time. They couldn't figure out what their budget actually was and apparently the fact their dream home had an orange bathroom was a huge deal breaker. "You two need to get a divorce," she told the TV as the guy argued again that they could stretch the budget. "Get a divorce and don't have kids because they'll hate you, too."

She had probably seen every episode of this show at this point. Actually, she wasn't really sure that they were the same show. There seemed to be two kinds of shows on HGTV: home renovation or home buying. There was even one with two hot brothers who combined the two, which was probably her favorite. She had no idea how she had actually started down the rabbit hole of this channel, especially since she wasn't sure she had ever watched it before, but now she was here and it was happening and she really couldn't stop. And really, it kind of made her want to buy a house, which seemed like a thought that kept leading back to the thought that she would need more space soon and that the reason for needing more space soon might like a dog one day and dogs and reasons for space really liked backyards. No matter what she did, everything seemed to always come back to her current predicament, so she just kept yelling at the TV and trying to avoid it all.

"Oh my god," she groaned at the TV as the couple chose the more expensive house instead of their dream house just as her phone buzzed next to her. "You're both idiots and you probably deserve each other." She sighed and grabbed her phone, wincing when she saw her sister's name.

Stop being such a weirdo and tell Mom and Dad about the baby. Do you know how hard it is to lie to them, Mer? They're all like "We're worried about Mer" and I'm over here like 😰. They're not going to be mad and Dad's not going to freak out. I mean, okay, you're unemployed but I think he understands blogs now and…you have to tell them, Mer. I know things are big and scary right now and you're taking stock or whatever but you have to tell Mom and Dad and you have to go to the doctor and you probably have to shower, too. Oh, and yes, the Property Brothers are hot.

She threw her phone back down as she took a deep breath, curling tighter around the pillow. She knew her little sister was right on pretty much every point she was making, but actually talking about the curve just made it too real. Her dad was amazing and she didn't think her step mom had ever been disappointed in her, ever. From the second Dad had taken her home after her mom's suicide attempt, Susan had been nothing but supportive of her and wanted the best for her and would probably fly out immediately if she found out about the baby. Dad would probably freak out, at least at first, and she wasn't sure she had it in her right now to talk about her plans or whatever. Dad was going to want plans and all she had was a craving for taco pasta and a desire to get a house and a dog so that the hot brothers could redo the house and love her dog.

As for the doctor thing, she knew. A good mom would be going to the doctor and making sure everything was okay, but Meredith just couldn't do it. She couldn't go and see what the reason for the curve and more space looked like now, because that would make it too real. She would have to face that her life was a mess and probably never going to be the same ever again, and the doctor would probably tell her the sex and then she'd have that on her mind. It was all so overwhelming, but then, everything felt overwhelming right now. Showering was probably a great idea but that sounded like she'd be naked and potentially explore her changing body and…it was just a lot. Lexie didn't understand that this really was a lot to take in and that she wanted to try to avoid it for a little longer. Lexie had a hot boyfriend who worshipped the ground she walked on and didn't want kids yet and wanted her to succeed at her career. Meredith just had a tiny one bedroom apartment, a craving for taco pasta, and a curve. None of it was actually conducive to any kind of good life.

She couldn't even give herself a good life right now so she had no idea how she was going to give the reason for the curve a good life so talking about it was just…no. She was going to ignore Lexie's text and order tacos and pasta and then watch more stupid people and their stupid decisions. She uncurled herself from around her pillow and then paused when her phone buzzed again. Her best friend's husband's name popped up and Meredith frowned slightly before unlocking her phone.

I'm going to be there in two minutes. Buzz me up.

Is Hillary with you?

Just buzz me up and don't try to pretend you're not home. I know you're living on your couch and wallowing.

I am NOT wallowing.

Just buzz me up.

Of course Hillary had sent her husband, Kevin. She had wondered why her best friend had been unusually quiet over the last couple of days, but now Meredith realized that Hillary was just formulating some kind of plan that involved using her amazing husband to make Meredith realize her life wasn't all that bad. It was stupid and annoying but not completely unlikely to work, especially since Kevin mentored paraplegics at a local rehab facility. He had been paralyzed in a rock climbing accident six years ago and had accomplished a lot since. He climbed mountains and fished and camped and wanted to try something called ice climbing, which was apparently insane and not at all what sane people did. And now he was about to interrupt her avoiding, which was not the same as wallowing, and she probably would just get really annoyed with him.

But he was also probably the world's most stubborn man so there was just no way that he would leave if she didn't buzz him up. She turned down the newest episode of what probably needed to be called Some People Don't Deserve Houses, and pulled on an oversized hoodie before walking to her door just as she heard the buzz. She pressed the button back and then opened the door, only waiting a few minutes before the elevator doors opened at the end of the hall and Kevin McDermott came rolling out. He was wearing a suit and his salt and pepper hair was a little longer than usual. He had probably been working; he was a law professor but still sometimes picked up pro bono cases when he was feeling like he wanted to argue in front of a jury. "She lives," Kevin grinned at her.

"You need to learn how to say no to your wife," Meredith groaned.

"There is absolutely no benefit to me learning that life skill," Kevin shook his head before rolling into her apartment. "Saying no to Hillary only leads to me being miserable. She just starts plotting even more. It's better to start on the ground floor than to come in when the plan is nine stories high and only leads to bad things for me."

"Doesn't she have more things to worry about than what I'm doing? Her baby or you or…"

"Ryder is doing fine and don't ever encourage her to worry about me," he ordered as he looked around her apartment. "And right now, I think we all need to be worried about you. Though, honestly, I've seen worse. At least you're still cleaning up for the most part."

"Because I'm fine. I've been fine this whole time and I told Hillary I was fine so everything is…"

"Fine," Kevin finished. "Got it. You're doing great. Can I ask a couple of questions?"

"I⏤"

"Great. Number one, when was the last time you showered?"

"I don't know but that's a really weird question."

"So, we can infer from your answer that it's been several days," Kevin nodded, looking her up and down. "Also the inference can be made from the state of your clothes. Second question, have you told your parents you're pregnant?"

"How is that any of your business, Kevin?" She groaned.

"Inference is you have not told them despite being in your second trimester," Kevin stated. "Final question. Have you left this house to go grocery shopping or to go to the doctor?"

"I…I am pleading the fifth and also might kick you out," Meredith groaned as she walked back to the couch and pulled the pillow over her stomach.

"Evidence suggests you are everything but fine," Kevin pointed out, glancing at the coffee table. She probably needed to pick up the leftovers of last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast but she was not giving him the satisfaction. "I have two options for situations like these."

"There is no situation."

"There is a situation and I'm trying to decide if I should ease you into getting your shit together or yell at you to snap out of it."

"Let me help, neither will work,' she insisted, rolling her eyes. "Let's recap the last five weeks of my life. I got laid off, my boss made sure I was blacklisted, and not even Buzzfeed wants me. Oh, and I have…this…" She waved her hand vaguely over the pillow and her stomach.

"The baby?" Kevin raised an eyebrow.

"Right, that," she nodded against the rise of panic. "And I think I'm allowed some time to contemplate how big this all is."

"You've had five weeks," he pointed out. "Five weeks to contemplate and from what I can tell, all you've done is eat, watch HGTV, and avoid pretty much everyone in your life who can offer you support. I understand the urge, I absolutely do, but at least admit you are not fine."

"I am fine," she insisted. "This is just…I'm not wallowing and I'm not avoiding. I'm just…"

"In denial that your life is changing," Kevin finished for her. "Again, I get the urge. You have some big shit happening for you and I've been there before. You can't avoid this away, you can't pretend it's not happening. And you really won't be able to avoid it in another month or two so I'm not sure what your plan is. So, you have two options. I can either sit here and yell at you to get your life together or we can go on a hike and you can get your feelings out in nature."

"Or I can do neither and get back to my TV and my couch," Meredith sighed, hugging the pillow tighter against her midsection. "And the tacos and pasta I was about to order."

"So you realize the weird cravings are because of the baby, right?"

"I just want food and TV. I'm sure…Chad and Karen are about to choose a really beautiful house."

"Chad and Karen are going to say the paint is ugly and the landscaping doesn't impress them, knowing full well they can change it," Kevin pointed out. "Also, fun fact, they've already bought the house when they go on the show."

"What?"

"The couples have already bought their house when they go on the show. It's all fake."

"You…they…who pissed in your Cheerios this morning, Kevin?" She groaned. "Can't you let people just have a little joy before you come swooping in to take it all away with your lawyering and your facts?"

"Now you don't have to watch,' he shrugged.

"Next you'll tell me the Property Brothers is fake and then I'll kill you," she threatened. "I don't care how sad Hillary will be, I will kill you."

"At least you're finally showing some signs of life."

"I am fine!" Meredith gasped. "Okay? I'm fine. Yes, my life is changing and no, I don't have a plan for it. But you guys don't get to decide what my timeline is going to be on this. You don't get to march in here and tell me to get my shit together when I had my shit together fifteen weeks ago and then it all blew up in my face. I know you're paralyzed, I know that was hard and still is hard and it's still…but this is not paralysis. I'm not a patient at the center and I'm not learning how to live with a lifelong injury. I just need some fucking time to think!"

"Hmmm…" Kevin nodded slowly. "Anything else?"

"I just want to be left alone," she insisted, falling back against the couch. "I just want you guys to leave me alone so I don't have people constantly telling me I'm on a timeline because I know that. I'm not stupid and for once I'd really appreciate it if people stopped acting like I was."

"No one thinks you're stupid," Kevin stated firmly as he rolled towards her. "You have people in your life who are worried about you because you're not exactly taking care of yourself or your baby right now. You have a whole support system who will personally do everything they can to make this easier for you. Hell, I'll personally come to Lamaze with you. I was great at that."

"Stop…I don't…" she shook her head, pressing the pillow against her abdomen.

"Why the hell are you being so damn stubborn about this?"

"You're more stubborn than me, Kev. I've heard the stories."

"Yeah, I was clinically depressed and suicidal," he stated bluntly. "Are you at that point?"

"Of course not."

"So then don't compare yourself to me," he shrugged. "I had a life-altering injury, my fiancee left me, and I almost died in the first two months. Then Hillary came into my life and I decided it was high time I actually let some people in. But you've already had people in your life so pushing us away now doesn't seem like the best course of action."

"I'm the only one who decides what the best course of action is. And right now, I just…I have to figure out how to do this. This apartment is too small and I don't have a job and being…I need time and I need time alone."

"For how much longer?" He asked, rubbing his jaw.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "I just…need more time. And I need more time without your or Hillary or my sister telling me how to do this because none of you actually know."

"That's fair," he conceded. "But do you know what I do know?"

"What?" She sighed.

"I know what a pregnancy looks like," he nodded, pointing to the pillow. "That baby is only going to get bigger. It will move, probably in the next couple of weeks. And it does need a check up."

"I…I know," she whispered.

"So you might need some time and we can give it to you, but that baby doesn't know how to give you time," he shrugged. "So I would suggest being prepared for that."

"Fine," she whispered.

"Fine?"

"Fine," she repeated, clutching the pillow. "I…fine."

"I honestly have no idea what you're agreeing to here but I'm hoping it's you taking care of yourself," he shrugged, rolling back from her. "What about your parents?"

"I'm going to tell them," she whispered. "Soon."

"It's just two more people to add to the team," he shrugged. "Meredith…"

"Kevin, I get why Hillary sent you but I just want to be left alone."

"Well, first of all, Hillary didn't send me," he admitted. "She's been worried sick about you and I got tired of hearing about it. So if you want to be left alone, fine, but at least text your best friend and tell her you're okay and not rotting away in this apartment."

"Rotting away?" Meredith frowned slightly.

"Her imagination is a terrifying thing," he shrugged. "And really, to be perfectly honest, I was worried about you. You're this kick ass woman who has never taken shit from anyone so the fact you're letting this shit head keep you down is pretty fucking disturbing. And in terms of the kid, I think you'll be a pretty kick ass single mom, but that's just me. So if you need some more time, fine. Just call me when you figure out that you need a hike to clear the cobwebs of Chad and Karen out."

"I…okay," she breathed and then frowned. "Can I even hike?"

"While I'm sure that's a question better put to a doctor, I'm confident that hiking is fine," Kevin rolled his eyes. "Imagine how much more information you'd get from a doctor though."

"I get it, Kevin."

"Well, I hope so," he looked around her apartment. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm okay," she whispered.

"Okay," he nodded, turning his chair. "Just text Hillary, tell her you're okay, and don't avoid her texts. It freaks her out and she gets obsessive. And when you're ready to come out of this hole, at least let us know so we can show up at the appointment or something."

"I will," she agreed as she curled around the pillow.

"I'll see you later, Meredith," Kevin said before he rolled out of her apartment, leaving her alone in the tiny space. He actually hadn't helped, at all. She could see how he probably helped the people at the rehab center, but it hadn't exactly helped her brain slow down or see any kind of sense at all. Everything Kevin had said was true and she knew all of it already. She knew that the reason for the curve of her stomach would have an amazing family and that she would always have a support system. She knew she needed to go to the doctor and get her head together. She just honestly didn't know how to explain this paralyzing fear that seemed to take over her every time she even thought about taking any kind of step in her life.

She hadn't planned any of this. Not that plans actually mattered or ever worked out, but she hadn't planned for her stomach curving underneath her hoodie right now. She hadn't planned for prenatal vitamins or ever needing more than one bedroom or doing it all while unemployed. She hadn't planned much in her life, but this seemed so out of the norm that she was pretty sure even the most spontaneous person in the world would be freaking out right now. And she figured she should have some time to figure out how she was going to handle this without everyone in her life trying to force her to just…move forward blindly.

She picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned up the volume, groaning inwardly. Of course Kevin had to ruin HGTV for her; there was no way he could have just kept his mouth shut about how fake it all was. Not that she hadn't thought everyone on the shows were really bad actors, but now they were even worse and she couldn't decide if it was annoying or funny. It just didn't seem fair that these people had these amazing lives where the biggest decision seemed to be if they could change some paint. She knew that wasn't fair and that she wasn't seeing the whole picture but now she was just annoyed and she sighed heavily as relaxed back against the couch.

Her brain felt like it was spinning again and she closed her eyes for a second, trying to think of anything else but all of what Kevin had said and the curve of her stomach and the fact she didn't have a job. It all just seemed so freaking repetitive and she was tired of all of it. Everything felt too big and too small all at once but she just didn't think she was ready to face all of it yet. She tightened the hold on the pillow again and then opened her eyes as a new couple on TV talked about wanting to move to a beach house to get away from the craziness of their every day lives.

It did sound nice and maybe Kevin was right on another thing. Hillary wasn't someone who ever hiked but Kevin sometimes joined Meredith on some hikes in the Catskills. It was always calming and helped her clear her head, especially when she was trying to decide where a story was going to go. But she needed more than a day or two and she took a deep breath as she reached for her phone. In a second, both Hillary and Lexie answered, their eyes wide. Hillary had a pirate hat on while it looked like Lexie was walking through the hospital in her scrubs and Meredith tried to smile at them. "Oh my god, Mer…" Hillary breathed. "I…are you okay? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly. "I'm just thinking…I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to go out of town for a few days."

"Where are you going?" Lexie demanded. "Is everything…I know Hillary literally just asked you this question but this isn't…you've barely texted or called in five weeks and now we're FaceTiming and saying you're going to go out of town?"

"I'm just…I want to go for a hiking trip," Meredith shrugged. "And I didn't want you guys to worry."

"Mer, I love you, but you've made us been worried for weeks now," Hillary pointed out before turning to say something to her baby son, Ryder. "And what does that mean, a hiking trip?"

"You're not going to get lost in the wilderness, are you?" Lexie asked. "Because, Mer, Girl Scouts was not your thing and I know you can hike but you're pregnant and getting lost in the woods for the next seven months isn't an option."

"I'm not disappearing into the wilderness," Meredith groaned. "I just need a break. I need a break from this apartment and HGTV and texts. And I didn't want you guys to think I had died."

"You can't run away from this," Hillary pointed out.

"I'm not running away. I just need a breather," she insisted. "And I'm telling you guys, okay?"

"Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?" Lexie asked.

"I…" Meredith took another deep breath. "I will, Lexie. I swear I will. I don't know…but I'm going to tell them. Right now I just need a break."

"I still don't know what a break means," Hillary sighed.

"It's just…it's a break and I'll text to check in and…it's a break," Meredith repeated, taking another deep breath. It was a whim and probably a stupid one but she felt like she needed to get out of here before she went crazy and got even madder at the fake HGTV couples.

"Mer, you need to go for a prenatal check up and you…"

"It's just a few days," she promised. "I'll text you when I get where ever I go."

"You don't even know where you're going?" Lexie gasped and then groaned as her pager went off. "Shit, my patient is seizing. Mer, I love you but I have no idea where you're going and that seems…not good. We should know."

"I don't even know yet," she shook her head. "I'll text when I get there. Go save a life, I love you."

"Mer…" Hillary groaned.

"I swear I'll text when I get there, Hills," Meredith insisted. "I'm just…taking a break and you know hiking is good for clearing my head so it's just…two more days and then I'll talk, okay?"

"I really hate this," Lexie announced.

"So do I," Hillary agreed. "Like a lot."

"You guys don't have to like it. I'm going to leave today," she announced as she stood up from her couch and walked back to her bedroom. "And I swear I'll text and keep in touch. Maybe…I just need to figure this out and I can't be in my small apartment knowing that I don't have a job. It's messing with my head and I'll…I'll see you guys in a few days."

"Mer…"

"Bye, guys," Meredith said quickly before ending the call and looking around her messy room. She had no idea where she was going or why or for how long. She just needed to somehow get her mind around everything and maybe she could do that if she just wasn't…here right now. Everything felt too big and too scary and maybe if she could just start driving and stop only when she wanted to then she could breathe again. All she wanted was to breathe without feeling like she was going to drown under the weight of the curve under her hoodie and the rest of her life.

She pulled down her duffel bag from her closet and turned to stare at the clothes hanging in there. The jeans were going to be a weird fit, but she was pretty sure if she put an elastic band then she could wear them for a little longer, but she could also pack leggings to wear while hiking, if she actually wanted to do it. And there was nothing wrong with her hoodies and sweaters for now. It would just have to work for this getting away thing. She gently crept her hand up under her hoodie, splaying her fingers over the tiny curve for a second, looking for a sudden understanding of what it meant. But nothing came and she dropped her hand before turning back to her duffel bag. She just had to get away. Everything would be okay if she got away.

But in the end, the only steps that matter

Are the ones you take all by yourself