Chapter 4- Let Nature be Your Teacher

Her phone hadn't stopped going off in the last week. For the first two weeks, everyone in her life had understood that she needed a breather and had left her alone. She had sent them pictures of the hikes she was on, of the trails and the tiny towns she had found along the way. At first, Hillary and Lexie had commented back about how pretty they all were or how jealous they were. But she had told them it would be a few days, and now she was finishing up her third week and very few people actually wanted to keep seeing pictures of what she was doing. They wanted to know when she was coming home, they wanted to know why she was traveling while unemployed, and the people who knew she was pregnant wanted to know when she was going to come home and go to a doctor.

She didn't have an answer for that or for really any of their questions. She had no idea why she couldn't just turn around and go home, or why she kept stopping in small towns and hiding out in hotel rooms. She had been all over upstate New York, hiked all over, and had actually loved every second of it. Each hiking trail let her take her mind off of the mess of her life and being this close to nature as the leaves started to change and the weather cooled was one of her favorite things. She didn't know if she was actually clearing her head or if it just felt like it, because at night, things felt less clear. Over the last couple of weeks, she had had a weird stretching sensation in her sides and when she had woken up a few days ago, her stomach had definitely been more obvious. She could hide it under her sweaters, could hide the fact that she couldn't actually button her jeans anymore. But when she was showering or in bed at night, there was no missing that the curve was growing and she was no closer to figuring out her life.

So she just kept moving. She didn't miss Manhattan. She missed Lexie and Hillary and she knew she needed to tell her parents at some point, but she didn't actually miss her job or her apartment. She wasn't sure if that was some kind of sign but she did know she just wasn't ready to turn her car around and go back. She had spent some time in the small towns in the Finger Lakes and had fallen in love with the people and the waterfalls she had come across almost every time she had hiked. Since she had moved to New York, she had always thought the Catskills were her favorite area to hike, but she had fallen madly in love with the Finger Lakes. She just wasn't ready to leave and she wasn't ready to answer her phone to try to explain why.

A part of her was tempted to just leave her phone in the room she had booked in a bed and breakfast, owned by a married couple who had apparently given up their crazy lives in Manhattan two years ago to move to the tiny town that was known for oak trees and water falls. When Meredith had pulled into Oakbrook Falls the night before, she hadn't been sure what to think. It was another small town that was gorgeous and charming, but also apparently very up and coming. She had no idea if that was actually the case, or just something the locals said to tourists. Either way, the temptation to leave her phone had been overruled by the fact that the muscles in her sides were stretching which probably meant more growing and she shouldn't just be hiking without a way to contact people. So now she was turning her phone to silent as she walked down the street.

It was really cute and she could feel herself relaxing, the stress melting away as the crisp fall air picked up her pony tail slightly. Her plan was to go hike up to the falls today and maybe let her brain actually fall to her messed up life. A part of her had considered writing a book about small town New York, while another part of her had actually considered reaching out to some of the smaller online outlets for some kind of freelancing work. There was always starting her own site which actually sounded like a lot of work but it at was an option. But there was also the pregnancy, which kind of seemed like a more pressing issue.

She had her mom's inheritance for money for now, and while she had sworn she would never use it, she was going to use it now if she had to. She had been shocked her mom had left her all of her money, but now she barely thought about it. She wasn't sure what her mom had thought she'd actually spend it on on, but she was pretty sure it wasn't to raise a baby on her own after traveling all over upstate New York. But she did have that money and her severance so she wasn't exactly hurting. But she was still eighteen weeks pregnant, about to enter her nineteenth week, and she hadn't been to the doctor in eight weeks. It wasn't exactly great, and she knew that, but a part of her didn't know how to take that step forward. Monthly appointments meant that she couldn't pretend something really big was happening and while she couldn't really do that right now with her growing belly, it was easier when she was hiking to not think about this deadline in her life.

It was stupid and risky and she knew all that. She had to get her head together by the time she got back to the city and just…do something. Except the idea of getting back to New York made her brain do that swirly thing that made her not want to think about her life. She didn't know what it was about her tiny apartment or the city she had lived in for years that made her nervous and scared. She just knew that right now she didn't want to go home, even if she had to.

She rubbed the stretching muscles on her right side before zipping her fleece hoodie up, making the curve disappear, and then walked into the local coffee shop. It was busy, people were sitting in all the tables and talking while kids ran around eagerly. She had gotten up early this morning, hoping to catch an amazing view of the sunrise, but she had apparently run into the before school rush, too. "Good morning," an older man with a white beard grinned at her as she walked up to the counter.

"Good morning," she nodded. "Can I have a small latte and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese?"

"Coming right up," the man grinned as he took Meredith's money from her. "Where's home?"

"Oh…" Meredith breathed. "Manhattan. I…I've been hiking and…waterfalls. I heard you guys have amazing waterfalls."

"Well, that's the truth if I've ever heard it," the man agreed. "Make sure you take Watkins's Trail. You'll get behind the waterfall just before you reach the top and it's the best view in the world. Not that I've seen much of the world, but I have it on pretty good authority."

"I'll do that, thank you," she smiled at him as he slid her a mug with a latte in it. "Oh…do you have a to go cup?"

"That I don't have," the man shook his head. "In this day and age, no one talks to each other, have you ever noticed that? Get your coffee and go and that's all it is. I'm an old man and I like when people talk to each other. So grab any table in the place except for the one in the back there."

"The table in the back?" Meredith glanced around the crowded coffee shop.

"That's the Doc's table," the man shrugged. "He's not here now but it never feels right when other people sit there."

"The Doc's table, okay," she nodded.

"Just take your time and enjoy yourself," the man smiled. "I'm Chris, by the way, I own the place. After you're done with a hike, stop by for a sandwich."

"I will, Chris, thank you," Meredith smiled at him as she picked up her mug and plate and walked back towards another table in the back that wasn't the doc's. Small towns were like this, small and tribal and kind of stuck in time and she had kind of fallen in love with it. There wasn't a single small town she had visited over the last three weeks that she hadn't loved and as she sat down at a table, she really couldn't chase away the feeling that she did not want to go back to the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. It was an insane thought and she wasn't even sure she was planning on following through with it, but she really didn't want to go back. Once she went back, she'd have to go to the doctor and look into getting a two bedroom apartment that would definitely eat up her inheritance and it would just be a lot.

Instead, she was in some tiny town with oak trees and waterfalls, eating a bagel and drinking coffee while the rest of the coffee shop buzzed around her. Moms were starting to gather their kids, but they were all probably going to the same place so there wasn't a huge rush. Chris was laughing with three men at a table, who were talking very loudly about some kind of initiative the mayor wanted to pass that the men all thought was crazy. And she just couldn't stop looking around, couldn't stop taking everything in as she tried to ignore the stretching ligaments in her sides. She barely knew anything about Oakbrook Falls, but it just felt right somehow. Maybe she would spend a few more days here and then head home, at least before her sister and her best friend decided to invade upstate New York and drag her back home.

It did seem like a more up and coming town than some of the others she had been to over the last three weeks. A lot of them had seemed almost lost by the last recession and people were still trying to claw their way back up. But Oakbrook Falls was filled with younger people in their thirties with families and none of them really looked like they were struggling. If she had to guess, she would say a lot of them were transplants from Manhattan, desperate to get away from it all and beyond happy to have jobs that meant they could work from home and maybe take a commute once or twice a month. It seemed like a kind of dream life, and Meredith couldn't help but be at least a little bit jealous.

She assumed she'd have to go back to the craziness, if not now then definitely in a year when she was employable again. She had loved it once, loved running around going after the story and staying up all night writing until her vision blurred and she fell into bed only to start it all over again. But now her belly was growing, there was an actual person inside her that was going to come no matter how much she tried to hide it, and she needed to figure out what kind of mother she was going to be. And that was almost scarier than trying to figure out anything else. Her step mother had been the best mom in the world, warm and funny and always ready with hugs or cookies or advice. But Meredith had no idea how to cook and she didn't think she had any right to give advice to anyone, especially considering her current life. And then there was her mom, who had just been cold, unfeeling, and borderline abusive, at least according to Dad's lawyers and a few therapists. She didn't want to be that mom and she was sure there were parenting styles in the middle but just thinking about it all made her want to go back to the bed and breakfast and hide for a million years.

Her stomach swirled and she stood up quickly to take her plate and empty mug to the counter before turning to walk out of the tiny coffee shop. She was hiking today. She was hiking and exploring and trying to think things through while also maybe avoiding them just a bit. She was in an adorable town with friendly people who told her about the best hiking trails and she just had to keep hiking, because hiking helped. She stepped aside as two kids came running past her and her back brushed against a billboard, which was covered with posters and announcements and…her eyes moved over a piece of paper that announced a two bedroom house for rent in town. It was apparently newly renovated and only fourteen hundred a month, which was a steal compared to her tiny apartment that was nearly thirty-five hundred a month, and her fingers danced over one of the tabs hanging from the poster before tearing it off and putting it in her pocket. She wasn't sure why, it didn't even make sense, but it seemed like a good idea.

She walked outside quickly, her hands firmly in her pockets as her stomach and brain swirled. When she had been little, her parents had taken her to a therapist who had told her about the different ways to react to change. Some people responded by looking for routines while others became more impulsive. She had told Meredith that there was a happy medium and that's what they were going to work for, and Meredith had tried to stick to that medium in her life. But there were a lot of changes going on in her life right now and she was clearly trying the impulsive side of things. The little paper was burning in her hand and there was some kind of voice that was trying to come through and she wasn't sure she could even listen to it without giving into the exact opposite of any kind of middle ground.

It was really better to just hike today and then maybe walk around town and then go home. Her phone was going to be filled with voicemails and text messages today and she needed to be able to give them some kind of update about where her life was headed. Lexie was right that she couldn't just live in the wilderness until the baby was born, because that would be absolutely crazy. But her sister's life was on an amazing track right now: she was an amazing neurosurgeon with a plastic surgeon boyfriend who loved her and her freaky photographic brain. Hillary had an amazing husband and a miracle kid and a job she was excited to get back to after taking time off for Ryder. Their lives weren't messy or unpredictable right now. So maybe Meredith got to live on the impulsive side for a bit.

The town wasn't that far from the trails, which was an added bonus she hadn't really anticipated, and soon she found herself on Watkins's Trail. It was a relatively easy one, which she both loved and hated. Harder trails meant her brain didn't have to focus on not falling and could drift a bit. It also meant it would be a fast trail and she wasn't sure if she was okay with that at all. There were probably other trails down and she could definitely take those but she had to admit that Chris was right about the trail being beautiful. The oak trees were huge and old and created enough shade that she almost wished she had brought a light jacket with her. The leaves were vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows, and there was probably nothing more satisfying than the crunch beneath her feet. The therapist had suggested hiking when she was little and while her dad had never been athletic, he had taken her on easier trails until she had been old enough to go by herself. Now, she didn't think there was anything more relaxing int he world.

She needed to let herself relax long enough to come up with some kind of answer for what she was doing and why. She was pretty sure she had covered most of New York and while there were probably other places she could travel to and hike, she was running out of clothes that fit and her passport was at home. So she needed to just figure this out because she couldn't keep doing this, even if she loved it and it felt so much easier than being home. She was pregnant and unemployed and the father of her baby was a massive jackass but it could all be handled. Scott would never be in the picture, that she already knew. The only people who needed to know he was the dad were Lexie, Hillary, and Kevin and she could just raise the baby as a Grey. That seemed like an easy decision to make. Her baby would just be Baby Grey…or whatever she decided to name it.

That was another decision for another time and she wasn't going to let herself freak out about that. She was focusing on her future and how to raise a baby and where to raise a baby and that was all just really big. Her stomach was swirling again and the ligaments were stretching and she took a deep breath as she turned a corner, stopping at the sound of rushing water. She was behind the falls. She had somehow found herself in a small cavern or something behind them and all she could see was a sheet of water, rushing down around rocks as it blurred the landscape in front of her. It was just a mix of color and water and for a second, she didn't think she could breathe or think.

But then her mind picked up on something else. Her stomach had been turning all morning but there was a different sensation now, something inside her that felt like tiny wings beating against the inside of a jar. It wasn't all over, it wasn't her entire stomach, it was just one tiny spot and understanding came over her like a wave. Her little sister Molly had described this to her when she had been pregnant, the tiny experimental butterfly wings that would flap inside her before Laura had been strong enough to kick. She unzipped her hoodie and snuck her hand underneath her sweater, just over the spot where the wings fluttered. "Hi," she whispered over the sound of the waterfall, "it's nice to…I mean, hi."

The baby was moving. It was kicking and moving and Meredith wasn't sure what her reaction was supposed to be and while she expected some kind of panic, she instead felt resolve. This was her baby and her pregnancy and her life and she wasn't going to worry about what Lexie or Hillary wanted. She was the one who was responsible for the tiny butterfly inside of her and that meant she had to make the decisions. She turned to hike up the trail, knowing that Chris had told her about the view up top. He had it on good authority it was the best view in the world, and while Meredith didn't know about that, she knew it was absolutely gorgeous. And as the little butterfly flapped inside her, she could feel her brain coming to a decision, a possibly crazy and impulsive decision, but the only one that could make sense for her.

She could stay here. She could stay here for the pregnancy and write and instead of trying to fix her life in a couple weeks, she could figure out her next steps over the next few months. She could rent the house on the poster and either go back to the city in her last month or maybe just have the baby in Syracuse. She was unemployable for a year anyway, so she could just spend that year here and figure out the way to do this. It was crazy and she knew that but for the first time in eight weeks, she felt like she was making some kind of decision that didn't make her want to throw up.

The view was amazing and she stared at it before pulling out her cell phone. She tapped the screen as she stared at the red and orange expanse in front of her and then took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "Hello?" Her step mom's warm voice answered the phone.

"Hey, Susan," Meredith breathed.

"Meredith, sweetheart!" Susan gasped. "Thatch, Meredith is on the phone! Honey, we've been worried sick. Where are you?"

"In a little town called Oakbrook Falls," Meredith replied softly. "It's about an hour outside of Syracuse and it's amazing."

"Hold on, honey, I'm going to put you on speaker so your dad can talk, too," Susan stated as she put the phone down.

"Meredith?" Dad's voice came over the line a second later. "Meredith, sweetie, where are you?"

"Oakbrook Falls, New York," she repeated, smiling at the warm sensation that moved over her. "You'd love it, Dad, it's beautiful."

"Okay but, Meredith, you're unemployed and you've been traveling for the last three weeks…"

"I know, Dad," she sighed as the wings flapped inside her. "I…I have something to tell you guys. And it's kind of big."

"Bigger than losing your job?" Dad asked.

"Go on, honey," Susan stated as Meredith took a deep breath and stared at the landscape before nodding.

"I'm pregnant," she said into the phone. "I'm almost nineteen weeks pregnant."

She wasn't sure how long the silence lasted on the other end. It could have been five seconds or an eternity, but she really didn't know. She had known it would be a shock and that her parents would probably have to figure out how to react. But she also knew she had to tell them. "I…we didn't know you were trying, honey," Susan said carefully.

"We didn't know you had a serious boyfriend," Dad stated.

"I wasn't and I don't," Meredith murmured.

"So…who…who is the father?" Susan asked.

"It doesn't matter," Meredith shook her head. "Or…I mean, from here forward, the baby doesn't have a father. The baby has me. The baby is a Grey and…the baby doesn't have a father."

"All babies have a father, Meredith," Dad insisted. He was probably frowning and running his hands over his face, he usually did that when he was surprised or anxious.

"This one doesn't," she stated. "He…he didn't want to be involved and it means there is no father. So don't worry about that part. I'm just calling…I'm pregnant."

'You're pregnant," Susan echoed. "Almost halfway."

"I…yeah," she breathed as she felt that panic rise in her again. "I…it was a shock and I just…I've had trouble…but I'm coming to terms with it and…I'm pregnant."

"Does your sister know?" Dad asked on a long sigh.

"She does but I made her swear not to tell until I figured this all out so don't…don't call her and yell at her," Meredith insisted. "She's been telling me to tell you guys for weeks and I just…don't yell at her."

"We're not going to yell at her, Meredith," Susan promised. "I think we're just…in shock. At first you said you lost your job and then you were going on vacation and now you're almost halfway through your pregnancy. It's…"

"What the hell is happening to your life?" Dad asked.

"I…I wish I had an answer for that, Dad," she breathed. "And I…I'm not going home."

"What?" Susan gasped. "Meredith, you're pregnant. You're going to have doctor's appointments and I can fly out and help you, Lexie can help you."

"I know, I know," Meredith said quickly. "And I might go home for the last month but I just…the apartment is too small and I can't work anyway and I just want to be happy. I just need some time to breathe and figure out my next step and I really think I can do that here. So I think…I'm going to rent a house here and just be here for a bit."

"Sweetheart…" Dad started.

"Dad, you can't change my mind," she stated. "I just wanted you guys to know. Maybe I can get some writing done here, some real writing that I can be proud of. And it's quiet here and a lot less pollution and…I've already made up my mind."

"And there's no changing it," Susan said after a second. "You have to call us with weekly updates, Meredith. You can't disappear while you're there. And if there are any complications with the pregnancy, you have to go home and I'll fly out."

"Okay,' she agreed softly.

"We mean it, Meredith," Dad said firmly. "You have to put your health and the baby's health first. This…I know it's a surprise and it's a lot but you have to take care of yourself."

"I know, Dad," she sighed. "I…are you guys…I mean, are you pissed?"

"We're not pissed, honey," Susan denied. "I think we just have to process."

"I get that," she sighed as she turned to look down at the waterfall. "I've been processing a lot."

"Hence the traveling."

"Yeah…" Meredith breathed as she felt the butterfly wings again. "Dad?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you think…nature versus nurture…can I be better than Mom?"

"Oh, sweetheart…" Dad breathed, his voice breaking slightly. "I think nurture will win out on this one."

"I really hope so," she sighed heavily. "I…I should probably go. I need to call Lexie and Hillary and then go rent this house and…figure out moving."

"Is there anything you need from us, honey?" Susan asked.

"No, I think I'm okay," she insisted. "I'm using my inheritance from Mom to set this all up and…I should be okay."

"Can you call us later once you have some more information about where you'll be living?" Dad asked. "And look up doctors in the area."

"I will," Meredith promised. "I know there's a doctor in town but I doubt he's an OBGYN. I'll probably have to go to Syracuse but…I'll look."

"Good," Susan sighed. "We love you, honey. Just…keep us in the loop, okay?"

"I love you guys, too," Meredith sighed as she hung up the call and rubbed her hand over her sore sides. The butterfly wings had stopped and she was pretty sure she was going crazy. She was just deciding to stay in a town she had barely been in for twelve hours, it was ridiculous and impulsive and possibly stupid. But this felt right. She didn't know what else she could possibly do right now. So this was her first really big decision. It was crazy but she had butterfly wings inside her and she was almost halfway through and it just felt like time. It felt like it was time for her to take a step in any direction that resembled forward.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket again and then took another deep breath. She would go back into town and look at the house and then probably drive back to Manhattan tonight. If everything went to plan, then she could be moved in by the end of her nineteenth week. And then she could start making other important steps. She opened her iMessage and typed out a text, suddenly surprised by how her fingers weren't shaking at all. Hey, guys, I need your help.

And then she'll get stuck

And be scared of the life that's inside her

Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her

To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes