Chapter 5- Flashbacks I Don't Want to Remember

Over the years, every Shepherd kid had heard the story of how their childhood home had come to exist on Long Island. They knew that their father had built the home for their mom soon after their marriage, when she had been pregnant with Kathleen, and had surprised her with it just before Kathy had been born. They knew their parents had dreamed of filling it with children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and that Ma considered her garden her space for just her. It was common knowledge that the changes they had had to make after Dad had been shot had just made the house even more special. The fact was, Derek's childhood home was something of out of a legend, and he hated that every time he came, he felt like he had lost the magic.

It was still the same house and he knew now, as an adult, that his parents were part of the magic. His mom's quiet strength and his dad's larger than life personality somehow combined to create the perfect home, and he didn't think that magic was lost. His parents were incredible people and probably the healthiest married couple ever, and definitely the best parents. There was no challenge that was ever too big for them and they were always ready to help out their kids. From the second he had driven up to the house the Sunday before, his parents had been all about helping him and making sure he was comfortable. It had been amazing and he had really appreciated it, but after six days, he was starting to realize that he just wanted to go home.

His childhood house had always been one of his most favorite places on earth. The tire swing that Dad had hung when he was five was still there and the back porch that faced Mom's garden and the tiny pond had always been his favorite place to relax. But now, all he saw was the way it would have been decorated, the time and care that Ma had put into making their house look like some kind of fairy tale. He had never gotten a chance to see it, but he had heard all about it, and nothing felt worse than knowing how it all had ended. Thinking about it made him want to run away back to Oakbrook Falls and just beg his parents to come visit him. But every time he came to Long Island, he tried to tell himself that it would be better, that it wouldn't hurt as much this time around.

But he felt panicky and on edge and he hated that he couldn't have his routine here. He tried to go for a run in the mornings but traffic into the city was a mess and he had been for the symposium on the first day. Even his back up plan didn't feel right, if only because this wasn't his normal place to run. He didn't have the same streets, he couldn't stop for coffee and sit at his table, and he couldn't just walk to work. The whole week had been a mess and he knew the only way he'd be able to get back on track was to get home as soon as possible, away from his parents' worried gazes.

He hated that they still looked at him like that. It had been eighteen years and every time he tried to show them that he was doing better, that Oakbrook Falls had been good for him, something happened to make them look at him and each other like they had eighteen years earlier. And after snapping at his mom when she had asked him to stay another day so that he could be at a family dinner, he wasn't sure if he wanted the back patio to swallow him whole or if he just wanted to go home. If he was honest with himself, he knew he was itching to get back in his car to drive back home and start his routine back over. He wanted to be away from the busy streets here and the noise and the sad looks and he wanted to be Dr. Shepherd, who everyone loved.

But tonight his brother and his sister were coming over and it seemed important to see them. Mark had been out to Oakbrook Falls a few times and had liked it, but he was more of a city person. And Sophie was always either pregnant or just had a ton of kids and the four hour drive was hard for her. So he did want to see them. He had gone over to his sister, Emily's, house earlier in the week so he could play with his sick niece. Kids made things easier a lot of the time and he had loved playing with the little girl who had no idea how hard her life was. It had been the lightest he had felt all week and now he was hoping he could find that with Sophie's kids or maybe even with Mark, who never looked at him like he might break again.

He ran his hand over his face and stared at his mom's garden as he gripped his beer bottle. Fairy lights. They had talked a lot about fairy lights. Derek hadn't even been sure what fairy lights were until Sophie had showed him, and even then he had figured they were just Christmas lights. But there would have been fairy lights woven through the trees and Mom's garden, playing off the fall colors. He thought they had agreed on red for the tablecloths and while his brain kept conjuring up blood, he was pretty sure it had been a darker red, maybe a burgundy. But blood red seemed more realistic as his breath caught in his throat and his hands began to shake. He hadn't seen the backyard, he hadn't gotten a chance to see it, but he could see it now in front of him, coming to life and he was suddenly freezing. He could hear music starting to play and the fairy lights seemed to move along the blood and he closed his eyes quickly as his chest tightened painfully.

It wasn't real. It wasn't real and his brain was playing tricks on him. It was just Ma's garden and the back patio and the tire swing. None of it was real and when he opened his eyes, it would all be gone and he could go home tomorrow morning. His hand moved from the neck of the beer bottle to his back pocket, reflexively checking for his wallet, and then he opened his eyes. The back yard was empty, the wind was feeling crisp, and he could hear the neighbor's cat by the small pond. Everything was okay. He was okay and tomorrow he could go home.

Tomorrow morning, he would drive home and get ready for the week. He could gather his patient files, look into some of the programs the symposium had talked about, and then check his emails to see if Patty had booked anything else for him while he had been gone. At five-thirty, he would go for a run and then warm up the leftovers Ma had been gathering for him all week before taking a shower and going to bed at eleven. And then Monday would feel right. Everything would be okay and his bran would stop playing tricks on him and he could be himself again. He was just overly tired and wasn't used to being around this many people and everything would be okay.

He stood up from the back patio and turned to walk back into the house, intent on at least apologizing to his parents for snapping at them earlier. He understood why they wanted him to stay for the family dinner, he really did, but Mom had been pressuring him when his mind had been on other things and he just hadn't communicated what he had wanted very well. It really wasn't okay and he needed to be less of an asshole for the last few hours he was here and just show her that he really was doing okay. He didn't want to leave with his mom thinking there was a problem and he forced his breathing to calm and his hands to stop shaking as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen.

"I think you guys might be overreacting a little bit," Sophie's voice drifted from the kitchen and Derek frowned slightly as he leaned against the wall. He hadn't heard her come in, and usually his sister came running to say hi to him. "You called him one day and his routine was off and then he called you the exact same day and said he was going to come spend a whole week here. That sounds like the exact of a problem, really."

"Sophie, you are choosing what to listen to," Mom sighed heavily as he heard the sounds of plates being taken down from the cupboard. "He's been moody, distracted, and combative. He takes the long way into the city so that he has to wake up even earlier…"

"Ma, the anniversary is coming up," Sophie pointed out. "Twenty years is kind of a big deal. I think he gets to be a little weird about things."

"He's not being a little weird," Ma insisted and Derek shook his head as he took a deep breath. "This is more than a little weird."

"I think what your ma is trying to say, princess," Dad interrupted as the sound of the wheels of his wheelchair filled Derek's ears, "is that after twenty years, we would expect him to at least talk about it. We thought…well, we all love Oakbrook Falls and I do think Derek is doing well there."

"So then what are we talking about?" Sophie sighed. "Because you sent Cam to the playroom like you were about to tell me that Derek was really bad off and shouldn't be around him."

"Dad and I have been wondering if we should ask him if he wants to come home and maybe talk to a therapist again," Mom stated and Derek felt his heart drop at the concern in his mom's voice.

"Do you want my honest opinion?"

"After dinner, yes," Mom answered.

"No, I meant now," Sophie insisted. "And my opinion is that Derek loves Oakbrook Falls and he loves being a doctor there and if you talk to him about that instead of trying to force him to talk about something that happened twenty years ago, then he's almost like his normal self. And Em told me he was amazing with Amber. And I also think that it's our job as his family to accept that this is Derek now instead of waiting for him to get better."

"Sophie, no one is waiting.."

"You're either waiting for him to get worse or to get better, Ma," Sophie sighed. "This is just him now. So I think worrying about him constantly just makes him feel worse."

"We wouldn't want him to come home permanently," Dad said quickly. "Just for the next couple of months."

"I think taking him out of Oakbrook Falls would be a disaster," Sophie stated and Derek sent out a silent thank you to his baby sister before turning to walk down the hallway towards the playroom. He hated this. He hated that his parents spent every second they were with him worrying and watching for signs. He had never meant to do that to them, and it was warranted, but after eighteen years he just wanted them to see that he wasn't in that place anymore. Their backyard might freak him out and he did take all the long way, but Oakbrook Falls has changed him for the better. He had his routines and his patients and none of that was actually bad. The anniversary would make things weird but that happened every year and he really didn't understand why his parents couldn't look at the good things in his life. Especially because, for the most part, he was doing really well.

"Uncle Derek!" Cameron, his six year old nephew, shouted before running towards him. Derek immediately leaned down and opened his arms to the mischievous little boy.

"Cam-man!" He grinned, bracing for the impact of Cam tackling him. "I've been waiting all day for you! Where were you?"

"At my house," Cameron laughed as he kissed his cheek. "It's been three million years since you was here!"

"Three million years?" Derek gasped. "Are you sure?"

"Huh huh," Cam nodded eagerly, pulling back from him as his bright blue eyes sparkled. "I went to Disney World and met Mickey Mouse."

"You did?" Derek grinned. "Well, then it must have been three million years because the last time I saw you, you definitely didn't know Mickey Mouse."

"Do you know Mickey Mouse?"

"I don't," Derek shook his head sadly. "What was he like?"

"He was real tall," Cameron reported as he lifted his hand far above his head. "And he shook my hand and he laughed cause I said he should fly on a plane with me back home cause then he'd see Santa when it's snowing. Daddy said it don't snow in Florida."

"It doesn't," Derek agreed as Cam jumped out of his arms and back towards the play room. "Who else did you see at Disney?"

"Um…Mickey and Minnie and Buzz and Woody," Cameron listed. "And Captain America. He was real cool."

"That sounds like an awesome vacation, Cam-man," Derek grinned, watching as his nephew fell down on the ground by a stack of legos. "What are we building?"

"A big building like my dad builds," Cameron reported. "Did you know I'm gonna be a chef, Uncle Derek? Nana said she would teach me about cooking and I think that's pretty good because she has the yummiest food."

"I think so too," Derek agreed as he sat down next to the little boy and picked up Legos. His nieces and nephews never really noticed when things weren't good with him, and if they did, they generally wanted to just play. Cameron was precocious, hilarious, and was always getting into trouble which never failed to make Derek laugh. Sophie always texted him about whatever Cameron got himself into and it just felt right to be sitting with him now, listening to him ramble on about what he wanted to be when he grew up and stacking Legos together. It was relaxing and almost made him forget about Mom and Dad watching him for any sign of a breakdown that they could think of. At least Sophie was on his side, which was at least on track for his little sister. She had never thought he was as broken as everyone else did, and when she did come to Oakbrook Falls, she always told him how perfect it was for him.

"Cam?" Dad's voice called, accompanied by the sound of his wheels on the hardwood floor. "Derek?"

"We're building, Grandpa!" Cameron called back.

"Oh we are?" Dad laughed as he opened the door and grinned down at them. "What are we building?"

"A big building," Derek answered his dad. "Like Brian makes."

"it's gonna be giant," Cameron announced as he handed Derek a blue Lego.

"We thought you were on the patio, Derek," Dad stated.

"I was and then I came to find Cam," Derek shrugged before smiling at his dad, who was usually his hero. His dad was larger than life and hilarious and had recovered from being shot and becoming paralyzed to become the best dad he could be. He volunteered with other paraplegics and he helped Ma to volunteer at the church sometimes, but more than anything, he was madly in love with Ma still. It was amazing to watch, but right now, and maybe ever since what had happened, things had just been different. He hated it and when Dad called him in the morning, he tried to keep it light and tried to get it back to normal. Most of the time he thought he did a pretty good job, but judging by the conversation he had overheard in the kitchen, he wasn't doing a great job. "What's up, Dad?"

"Just coming to tell you Sophie is here and Mark should be here any minute."

"And I'm here," Cam smirked.

"And you're here," Derek laughed at his nephew and tousled his hair. "Did you hear about Mickey Mouse, Dad?"

"Yeah I did," Dad nodded. "We'll have to show Uncle Derek the picture, Cam-man."

"Oh yeah!" Cameron nodded quickly. "It's a real good picture."

"I can't wait to see it."

"When can I come see you, Uncle Derek? So we can go fishing on the waterfall?"

"Any time you want, Cam-man," Derek nodded as he stacked the blocks. "Just ask your mommy to ask me and then we'll figure it out."

"I think that sounds pretty cool," Dad grinned at Cameron before checking his watch. "Cam-man, I think it's time to wash your hands so we can have dinner."

"Kay," Cameron sighed as he handed Derek another Lego and then ran out of the room. Derek turned to stack it on top of the tower, desperately trying to avoid his Dad's careful gaze. He could feel it on the back of his neck and he fought the sudden thought of how his dad had looked at him in the hospital twenty years ago, sad and scared mixed with gratefulness.

"Dad, you don't have to stare," he tried to be blunt.

"I'm not staring, bud," Dad shook his head. "I was actually just thinking of when you were a kid playing with your blocks."

"Getting nostalgic in your old age?" He teased.

"Hey, you're not exactly a spring chicken anymore," Dad laughed softly. "You used to build the tower as high as it would go and the second we'd clap for you, you'd knock it down."

"I thought that's what all kids would do."

"It pretty much is," Dad agreed as he ran his hand over his wheels. "But the thing is, the second you knocked it down, you sat down and tried to figure out how to build it even better so it wouldn't fall down again. You would sit in that pile of rubble for hours and refused to move."

"That might have been the first hint that I would become a doctor," Derek pointed out as he smiled slightly. "That sounds like what I do at the practice when I can't figure out a case."

"That's probably a good point," Dad nodded slowly. "How's the practice going?"

"Great," Derek felt his grin widen because if Sophie was right about anything, it was that talking about his little town and his patients made everything feel better. "We're busier than ever and now that the kids are all back in school…well, I was thinking about opening in the mornings on Saturday. Patty seemed to like the idea, too, even though she pointed out that even if we don't do it, I'll just do house calls."

"That town must be lost without you this week," Dad shook his head.

"Probably," Derek agreed as he stood from the Lego tower. "Dad?"

"Yeah, bud?"

"I'm really doing okay," he insisted. "I know…I want to apologize to Mom because I shouldn't have yelled at her. It's never easy…and the symposium was a lot but I'm really doing okay."

"And if I say we know you are, are you going to roll your eyes at me and try to pretend you didn't hear us?" Dad asked as he looked at Derek over the rim of his glasses.

"How…"

"You're not as quiet as you think," Dad laughed and then shook his head. "And you left your beer bottle on the table in the hallway."

"Sorry," Derek groaned, shaking his head just as Mom walked into the room. "Hey, Ma."

"I was coming to see where you two were," Mom smiled at him as her hand immediately found Dad's. "Cameron's setting the table and Mark just got here."

"So I guess I need to go socialize," Derek nodded before walking towards his mom. "I…sorry. About earlier."

"Derek…"

"I am, Ma," he insisted, running his fingers through his hair. "It's hard for me to be away from the town and my patients. And sometimes…but I shouldn't snap at you when you just want me to see everyone. It's been a long time since I saw them and…I'm sorry."

"Oh, sweetheart," Mom breathed as she reached out tentatively towards him. That was an old habit and one that he had really hoped she would break. "It's okay. We just…we want to be sure you're okay."

"I am, Mom," he promised, letting himself lean into her touch. "But I shouldn't yell."

"You have your patients to get back to," Dad shook his head. "Your life in Oakbrook Falls."

"Just promise just that if you don't feel okay…" Mom started and then trailed off as Dad squeezed her hand.

"We should go eat dinner," Dad stated. "Your Ma's pot roast is always a favorite."

"You definitely didn't have to do pot roast, Ma," Derek shook his head as he turned to walked out of the playroom. He could hear his mom answer him but he could feel his brain going to that different place it always went right before he saw his brother. To the phone call, to his brother laughing about him forgetting to pay the bartender in advance. It wasn't a big deal but he always had to take a few deep breaths before he could see his brother, even though none of it had been his fault.

"Shep!" Mark greeted him with a huge grin and then immediately walked forward in the dining room to pull him into a tight hug.

"Hey, Mark," he smiled at his brother whose hair was now almost completely gray. Mark had started graying twenty-five years ago and had somehow managed to make it look distinguished and he swore it helped him get laid, which was actually Mark's favorite past time.

"Good to see you, buddy," he grinned, clapping him on the back. "I got you a beer."

"Thanks, Mark," Derek grinned at him before turning to his little sister and pulling her into a tight hug. "Hi, Sophbug."

"Hi, Derbear," Sophie whispered as she rubbed her back. "It's so good to see you. Even if I hate you for seeing Em first."

"Hey, Amber's been sick and needed some Derbear hugs," Derek shrugged at her before sitting down at the table. Fairy lights. Sophie had been the one to show him the fairy lights first, bouncing at fourteen at getting to contribute to the whole thing. He swallowed heavily and reached to move his glass slightly to the right of his plate before taking a deep breath.

"I still can't believe you didn't bring Lexie, sweetheart," Mom was saying to Mark as she served Dad some pot roast.

"She's coming tomorrow, Ma," Mark laughed, shaking his head. "She does have to work, you know, especially since she was out earlier this week."

"Right, helping her sister move," Dad nodded. "How'd that go?"

"Well, she's moved," Mark shrugged. "Some tiny town upstate. I told her we had that in common."

"Wait…who are we talking about?" Derek frowned.

"Markie's girlfriend, Lexie," Sophie grinned. "They've been dating for the last couple of months. We love her."

"Mark…Mark has a girlfriend?" Derek turned to his brother. "How did I not know that?"

"It's relatively new," Mark shrugged as he sipped at his beer. "But yeah…I have a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend who has met the family."

"Not a big deal, Shep," Mark insisted even as he grinned.

"A pretty big deal," Sophie laughed as she cut Cameron's pot roast.

"Be nice, Sophbug," Mark warned.

"What? You're actually dating an amazing human woman who we all love and that is a big deal," Sophie shrugged. "You're probably going to marry her and have babies. I think that's a huge deal."

"Mark doesn't…that's not…" Derek shook his head as he glanced at his brother.

"Times change when you're off in small towns, buddy," Mark shrugged.

"Mark's turned over a new leaf," Sophie laughed and Derek shifted in his chair as he reached for his beer.

"And we love her," Mom smiled warmly at Mark.

"She loves you guys, too," Mark nodded before glancing at Derek. "So what's new, buddy?"

"I…nothing really," Derek shrugged. "A lot of new patients at the center…and I ran the camp's first aide over the summer. And a symposium on pediatrics in rural areas."

"Any new hot single women in Oakbrook Falls?" Mark smirked as Sophie groaned, shaking her head at him. "What?"

"Honestly, Mark," Sophie shook her head.

"I just…I want to hear about you guys," Derek shook his head as he swallowed back against the weird surge of panic that rose up in him. "Soph, Cam said you guys went to Disney World."

"Mommy, I told him about Mickey Mouse," Cameron reported as Derek listened to his sister start talking. Or at least kind of listened because his brother who never changed was changing and that felt like a break in a routine he didn't even know he needed. Twenty years ago, his brother had been a manwhore who his parents had worried about. Now, his parents were talking about a woman that they loved, a woman that was already part of the family. It just felt like a lot of change and he ran his hand along the table cloth as he nodded at Sophie's story about the parks. All he wanted was to get home right now. He just wanted to know that when he got home, nothing would have changed, and no one would ask him if anything had changed with him. And more than anything, he didn't want to look at his baby sister and see fairy light, or his brother and hear a laughing phone call, or his parents and remember the sad, worried looks of twenty years ago. He just wanted to go back to a world where those things were in the past.

I have been waiting

Always waiting for something new

Happiness has always ended

In the blink of an eye