Chapter 9- Hope For the Hopeless
It was probably time for him to turn off the lights and leave. The last trick or treater, little Olivia Connors, had come running up to his door an hour ago dressed as an astronaut princess and had nearly cleaned him out of his candy stash. As a doctor, he was pretty sure he was supposed to discourage an obsession with fun size Twix bars, especially if he didn't want to be treating sick stomachs all day tomorrow, but she had looked so cute and he really couldn't resist her hopeful little eyes. So he had just laughed and let her grab a couple of handfuls, and he hadn't seen any kids since. So it was probably time to shut down the office, go home, and start his Halloween night routine, which usually involved responding to the pictures of his nieces and nephews that his parents sent every year.
He wanted to like Halloween. The kids were so cute and excited and he loved seeing their creative little costumes. But Halloween meant Thanksgiving was coming, which meant Christmas was on its way and he couldn't really handle either of those holidays. Most of the time, he thought he was doing pretty well. He had his routines and he didn't find his mind wandering to what had happened too much. But the holidays meant routines were thrown out the window until New Year's. This was usually the time of year when he threw himself into his work, when he committed himself a little more to research or just going above and beyond for his little town. He was more likely to do home visits during the winter, to sit with patients who had the common cold until he had to go home. But it was Halloween, no one needed him now, and there wasn't any reason for him to be the last place open. That usually just led to sad looks the next day.
It didn't take long to shut down the office, especially since everyone else had left early to get their kids ready for trick or treating, and he made a mental note to put what was left of the candy in a bowl by the receptionist desk tomorrow morning before walking out onto the dark street. It had to be almost nine, the street was mostly empty, and he breathed in the crisp fall air as he turned to start his walk home. His Halloween routine meant a late night with leftovers, responding to texts, a little bit of reading, and then bed. It wasn't that different from his usual routine, but it happened later and he had had to remind himself of that a few times today. The good news was that he was hungry and leftovers sounded amazing.
He dug in his pocket for his keys, humming slightly under his breath as the wind picked up. There had been some talk of a late fall snowfall and just the smell of the wind made him think it was possible. He took a deep breath and then let it out quickly when he heard a thump and a string of soft curses from across the street. He had only met her once, but already he knew her voice and he grinned as he walked towards Meredith Grey, who was staring at the pile of groceries on the sidewalk in front of her. Her hair was down and curly around her rounded face and he found himself resisting the urge to tame the strands as the wind picked them up, whipping around her cheeks as she blew out a long sigh.
Her sweater was still big on her, but her baby daughter had apparently done some growing and there was no hiding the rounded stomach now. The whole town would probably be talking about it by next week, about their strange new citizen who had tried to hide a pregnancy, but Derek rarely listened to any kind of gossip. All that mattered right now was that she was healthy and staying relaxed, which probably didn't include kneeling down in the street to clean up a split bag of groceries while trying to balance another bag. "Meredith?" He called to her as he jogged across the street towards her.
"Wh-oh, Dr. Shepherd," the petite blonde smiled at him as she straightened, her hand immediately moving to her stomach. "Hi."
"Derek," he corrected softly as he bent down to rescue a tub of ice cream that was rolling to his feet. "Craving run?"
"Yeah," she blushed, her cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink. "I finished off my candy two hours ago and I'm starving."
"You finished it off? No trick or treaters?"
"I don't know if it's because I'm in the haunted house or because I'm new but…kids were avoiding my house like the plague," she shrugged and then shook her head. "Not that I actually believe in ghosts but is there any kind of possibility that the house is haunted? Or is the fact my electricity keeps flickering due to faulty wiring and not a poltergeist?
"I haven't heard about your house being haunted," he laughed softly as he gathered the ice cream, a bag of shredded cheese, and tortillas back into the bag and picked it up slowly, holding it close to his chest. There was a street light shining directly down on her and he was suddenly stricken by how her green eyes sparkled almost golden as she watched him.
"I might have been watching too much TV about ghosts," she admitted, shifting her own grocery bag. "Anyway, I was apparently more hungry than I had thought because what started out as a run for ice cream turned out to be a run for ice cream, tacos, tortilla chips, and pineapple."
"I know better than to make any kind of comment about a pregnant woman's cravings," he assured her. "Do you want some help?"
"I…you're probably headed home or…" Meredith ran her hand slowly over her stomach.
"It's fine," he insisted, shifting her groceries into the crook of his elbow. It was probably his protective big brother instinct kicking in, but he really did want to help her. She was alone and pregnant in a new town, and the fact he wanted to check her electrical box had nothing to do with the flowers he smelled whenever she was around and more to do with being a good doctor and neighbor. He had closed the office a few minutes earlier than he had been expecting anyway, so he could fit this in. "I can check your electrical box too and we can figure out if we're dealing with a poltergeist or not."
"I…okay, I don't think I can refuse that offer," she grinned at him. "I went down to look at it but had no idea what I was actually looking for."
"I can definitely take a look," he assured her as he held out his other hand. "Do you want me to take that bag? Or is your wrist feeling better?"
"It's still a little sore, though I didn't exactly rest it," she admitted as she handed him the grocery bag. "I had a deadline that took precedence and that wrap was…I mean, it was annoying and I realize you're about to lecture me but in my defense…I did keep my ankle elevated for a full week."
"I'm not going to lecture you," Derek laughed, shaking his head slightly. She was stubborn and dedicated to her job and there was something beyond charming about that, which he definitely couldn't admit. "Did you make your deadline?"
"Yeah, of course," Meredith nodded as she led him down the street.
"Any others coming up?"
"Not yet."
"Hmmm…" he nodded, speeding up to walk next to her. "Can I rewrap it for another week?"
"You're not actually asking, are you?" She glanced at him.
"Well, I can't exactly tie you down and force you to wear the wrap," he laughed before inwardly wincing at his choice of words. They were harmless, he knew that, but in his own head, an image was suddenly building of Meredith Grey tied in his bed, which was beyond inappropriate. She was his patient, she was nearly six months pregnant, and she was trusting him to be a decent human being. And there was the fact that he absolutely could not have that thought. He had sworn to not have those thoughts. "I just…I want to be sure it's fully healed."
"Fine," she sighed heavily.
"Thank you," he grinned at her, his eyes moving to her belly underneath her sweater. "How are you feeling otherwise?"
"Oh…" she glanced down at her stomach, both of her hands trailing over it. "Bigger. You weren't joking about that growth spurt. And she's officially kicking."
"She is?" He grinned.
"Yeah, she seemed to realize I was paying really close attention and she gave me a big kick," Meredith smiled slightly. "Like she was telling me I couldn't be in denial anymore."
"I think she was more assuring you that a fall in the shower didn't scare her," he assured her as her long fingers rested over her belly. He didn't know the full story, and he knew it wasn't his business, but he did know that Meredith had to have kept her accident baby for a reason, and he was hoping that being away from the city was giving her some peace about that choice. He barely knew her but he had the feeling she would be an amazing mom now that she was really accepting the pregnancy.
"Well, she's definitely kicking," she smiled before reaching to unlock her front door and opening it to let him in. She immediately kicked off her shoes and then started walking down a hallway and Derek quickly walked behind her. Her hair was a tangled mess, her cheeks were red from the wind, and he couldn't help but smile at her as he put the groceries down on the kitchen counter. It was a good sized kitchen for an older house and she was clearly starting to make herself at home as she opened the fridge door.
"Where's the box?" He asked her, handing her the groceries as he unpacked them.
"Downstairs in the laundry room," she answered. "I…can I get you anything to drink? I have water and some juice."
"Water is good," Derek nodded as he shrugged off his blazer and unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt to roll up the sleeves. "Do you have tools down there?"
"Yeah, the owner left his tool box," Meredith nodded and then sighed. "I…you really don't have to do this. I don't want you to think I'm some damsel in distress or whatever. I have to…I mean, I always lived in an apartment and this was the sup's job but now I live here and I have to…I can do this."
"You do, and you are," he assured her. "I would never describe you as a damsel in distress and I've only known you for about forty minutes. But asking for help isn't the same as being helpless, Meredith. Anything you need…this is a community and we're all going to want to help. And one day you can help us in return."
"I get that but…"
"No buts," he insisted, reaching across the counter to squeeze her wrist and that weird shock moved through his body again. "And anyway, it's better to figure out this box thing now before it's winter and you're nine months pregnant. I'll take a look and if it's something I can fix, I'll show you how so you don't have to ask next time."
"Oh…okay," she agreed softly. "That sounds good."
"And if it's a poltergeist, I'll call my Catholic parents and ask for the name of an exorcist," he smirked and was immediately rewarded with an eye roll and a giggle. "Get your tacos started and I'll be back up in a minute."
"Okay," Meredith grinned at him, her green eyes sparkling gold again. He squeezed her wrist again and then turned towards the basement door. His heart was pounding a little bit in his ears and he genuinely could not figure out why. Or why he was even here, doing this. Yes, he was the kind of guy who wanted to help people but Meredith was a stranger. Two weeks ago, he had met her and had eased her into the idea that her pregnancy was going to progress no matter how much she tried to hide from it, and now he was in her house and helping her, even after swearing that he was not going to do this with her.
Maybe it was the giggle. He had never noticed giggles from other women, but there was something about Meredith's giggle that made him want to hear it more and more. Then there were her eyes, the green-gold reminding him of a sleek and powerful cat. They were unique and beautiful, which definitely wasn't a word he had used to describe a woman in over twenty years. It hadn't even entered his head to use the word for other women, and that had always been okay. This was the life he had chosen and he didn't understand why he was throwing that all away whenever he was around Meredith except that she was strong and brave and he felt somehow both lost and found whenever he was with her.
It was all against his rules and he shook his head, reaching for the flashlight that sat on top of the laundry machine. His brain was clearly in some weird space right now and there was no reason for him to be thinking anything like what he was thinking right now. Meredith clearly had her own baggage and she didn't need someone complicating her life any more than it already was. And really, he didn't need it either. His life was boring and quiet, but it was settled in a way that he liked. He had built this life for himself and he wasn't about to take a wrecking ball to it, no matter how much he wanted to listen to Meredith giggle for hours on end.
He shook his head again and took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart as he shined the flashlight into the box. He immediately saw the issue and reached to fiddle with the switch, which seemed to be stuck somewhere between on and off, and then dropped his hand. Meredith wanted to know how to fix it, and he did want to be sure that she felt like she had some power over this crazy life she had somehow thrown herself into. Things had to be feeling too big right now, especially with the father refusing to be in the picture, and he wanted to be sure to help her get some control back.
Once she knew how to fix the breaker, he could just head home and go back to his Halloween routine. He could warm up the left overs Ma had left and just…be quiet. He turned off the flashlight and started up the steps again, pausing at the top when he heard a man's voice. It took his ears a second, but he was able to pick up the instructions on how to cook ground beef and he choked back a laugh as he opened the laundry door. Meredith was standing at the stove, her eyes glued to the phone screen as the ground beef sizzled in a skillet. "What are you doing?" He laughed softly.
"Oh crap!" Meredith gasped, nearly dropping her spatula as she turned quickly to look at him. "You scared me!"
"Sorry," Derek shook his head. "But the question still stands…what are you doing?"
"Oh…" she blushed, chewing on her lower lip for a second as she turned back to her phone. "Okay, so I come from New York, where you can get any food delivered. No matter what you're craving, you can get it delivered. But now I'm here and there's no taco delivery and I was desperately craving tacos but once I got all the ingredients out I might have realized…I mean…I don't actually know how to make them. Maybe."
"Maybe?" He raised an eyebrow at her adorable rambling.
"Definitely," she admitted softly. "But the internet knows."
"The internet does know," he agreed as he walked towards her. "And so do I. I also make a killer pineapple salsa."
"You…pineapple salsa is a thing that exists?" She asked, her eyes wide.
"I figured that was why you got the pineapple," he shrugged.
"I just…it sounded good," she shrugged.
"Hmmm…" Derek breathed, reaching for the spatula out of her hand. "Turn off the video and you can watch me. My nieces and nephews love my tacos."
"And your pineapple salsa?" She asked as she closed the video.
'Oh, they love that," he nodded, stirring the ground beef. "Do you have red onions, peppers, jalapeño, and lime juice?"
"I…yeah, because I was going to put those in the taco meat," she explained as she walked towards her fridge.
"Let's try it in a salsa instead," he grinned down at her. She had pulled her hair into a ponytail and he found himself suddenly wondering if the pregnancy had made her cheeks round or if she had always had the round face. Her skin wasn't as red now that she was in from out of the wind and he could suddenly see freckles across the bridge of her nose. He took a deep breath, trying to remind himself that he could not do this with her, and emptied the packet of taco seasoning into the ground beef before turning to the counter to cut up the ingredients for the salsa.
"Did you figure out if I have a poltergeist?" She asked, sipping at a glass of water.
"You don't," he laughed. "I found the problem and once you eat, I'll show you how to fix it."
"Well, at least it isn't a poltergeist," she giggled quietly.
"No poltergeists," he promised her as he opened a drawer and pulled out a knife. "Do you know how to dice and chop?"
"I should probably say yes."
"Not if you don't know how," he shook his head. "Come here."
"Why?" She asked, walking back towards him.
"I'm going to show you how so that when this craving hits a hundred times over the next few weeks, you'll know what to do," he nodding, reaching to pull her until she was in front of him and settled against his chest. It was impossible to miss that she fit perfectly against him and he swallowed as the smell of flowers surrounded him. It was her hair. She was petite enough that her head fit perfectly underneath his chin and with every breath he took, the flowers filled every single one of his senses. He forced himself to relax, forced his body to concentrate on the task on hand, and made a soft promise to himself that he wouldn't put himself into this kind of situation with Meredith Grey ever again. "Pick up the knife and grab the pineapple," he ordered, hoping his voice didn't sound strangled or too breathless.
"Okay," she nodded, her own voice sounding soft in the kitchen. He gently put his hand over hers and guided her as she began to chop and dice the ingredients. It was rough at first and he was hit with more than one piece of pineapple, but once she understood that the slight squeeze on her wrist meant she should slow down, she seemed to get it. Her pieces were uneven, but they would work, and he could sense her relaxing as she moved on to the red peppers. All he could smell was the taco meat, pineapple, and flowers, and it took all he had to keep his free hand on top of the counter instead of giving into the urge of touching her. It was an insane urge and he hated himself for it, hated that he would be thinking of that right now.
"Have you tried to cut any onions since you got pregnant?" He asked softly as she put the red peppers in with the pineapple.
"I don't think I've ever actually cut any onions," she giggled, her body shaking against his.
"Right, delivery service," he nodded as he closed his eyes for a second, trying to breathe or remind himself that he was atoning, that he couldn't be the person he was being right now. "Step back for a minute. Onions can really bother people's eyes and with your senses being heightened…"
"Oh…" she breathed, her hand falling to her rounded stomach. "I…I can come back for the rest of the salsa, right?"
"Of course," he assured her. "You have to learn how to do this."
"Right, in case she becomes addicted to tacos and pineapple salsa," Meredith nodded as he dropped his arms and she slid away from him.
"Or you do," he laughed, looking over his shoulder at her. Her cheeks were pink again, her eyes were sparkling a fiery gold, and his eyes were immediately drawn to the way she licked her lips. It had to be the lighting in the kitchen but she looked like she was glowing or…pregnant women didn't glow. He knew that from his sisters who all rolled their eyes when people told them that, but in the light of the kitchen, Meredith looked like she was glowing and he didn't know how to think anything else. She reached for a glass of water and he cocked his head to the side when he noticed her hand shaking. "You okay?"
"Oh…yeah," she nodded quickly.
"Are you sure?" He put the knife down and took a step towards her. "Are the smells bothering you?"
"No…no…" she shook her head as she put the glass back down on the counter. Her breath hitched slightly and Derek took a step towards her just as she took a step forward and suddenly, somehow, she was pressing her hand against his chest as she stood on her tip toes to press her lips against his.
He would look back on the minute later and still not be able to place the correct order of things. He was pretty sure Meredith had kissed him first, her lips soft and insistent, but he had immediately deepened it as he wrapped an arm around her. He wouldn't be sure about who had moaned or how her hair had fallen out of its ponytail, tumbling into his waiting fingers to be wrapped and pulled. He would remember feeling a soft nudge against his belly but before he could register it, he would remember Meredith pulling at his hair, demanding that he kiss her harder as everything else blurred around him. It was an amazing kiss, surprising and powerful, and he would recount later how he had found a way to pick her up like the sleek cat she was and put her on top of the counter, making it easier for him to taste her lips.
The sounds of panting and kissing filled the kitchen along with the sizzling of the of the taco meat in the skillet, and nowhere in Derek's mind did a demand to stop pop up. Meredith wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him closer to her and he nipped at her lower lip as his hand trailed along her body. Her sweater was rough under his fingers, but he could feel the curve of her breast, heavy and round in his hand and he squeezed it gently as their tongues stroked and dueled each other. A satisfied purr came from deep inside her and Derek smiled against her lips, swallowing the sound just as he felt another nudge against his belly. "Oh…." He laughed breathlessly as his hand fell to her belly, surprised by the strength of her baby girl. "Baby Girl Grey."
"Derek…" Meredith panted as she pulled back slightly, her own hand moving over the spot as her chest heaved. "I…Derek…"
"Breathe," he whispered as much to himself as to her. Their lips moved lazily against each other but Derek's voice of reason, the one that told him he couldn't do this, that he had to atone, was nowhere to be found.
"I…I could…I could blame hormones for that," she whispered against his lips.
"You…you could," he agreed, his fingers grazing over her stomach before he moved his hand to cup her cheek. "You…hormones can…"
"No," she shook her head as she looked at him through her lashes. "I said I could but…I just…you…"
"Breathe," he whispered again. "We don't…we can finish your pineapple salsa and I'll go and this just…hormones."
"Hormones," she echoed softly as he felt her baby move again.
"Sorry for disrupting you, Baby Girl Grey," he murmured before forcing himself to pull away from her. Hormones. She was nearly six months pregnant and her hormones were all over the place and he…well, he wasn't sure what to blame. Twenty years of forced celibacy maybe. But Meredith was hormonal and he had been there and he just had to take a deep breath. He had to remind himself that he could not do this with her. There were rules to his life, important rules, and he could not let his brain process his first kiss in twenty years. That would just be a bad path to go on and he wasn't willing to go there right now.
He chopped the onions quickly, choosing to believe that the tears in his eyes were from them and not his own panicked thinking. The thing was, the voice wasn't there. Meredith was getting out tortillas, it was quiet in her kitchen, and he couldn't hear the voice that punished him for what had happened. It wasn't reminding him of broken glass, red and blue lights, or blood. It wasn't urging him to go home and pull out the picture or telling him he needed to get back to a routine before it all fell apart. The voice had been his constant companion for twenty years and he had no idea why it was gone now or what he needed to do to get it back, but he suddenly felt like he was able to breathe for at least a few seconds.
He cleared his throat and then turned to look at her before putting his knife down. "Onions are chopped," he announced. "And I chopped more in case you get this craving again."
"Thanks," she smiled softly at him. "I…the ground beef is done, I think. It looks good."
"Good," he nodded slowly. "I didn't see any cilantro."
"I hate it," she shrugged. "I think it tastes like soap."
"Oh," he smiled slightly before turning back to the salsa. "So now you're just going to squeeze lime juice and add some salt and you should be all set."
"Derek…" Meredith took a step towards him.
"We can go to the basement and I can show you how to fix your lights," he stated.
"Okay, you need to stop for a second," Meredith ordered, holding up her hand. "I'm sorry I freaked you out. I'm sorry I…well, I'm not sorry I kissed you because it was an amazing kiss and you're…really really good at it."
"Meredith," Derek sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"No, I'm still talking," she said firmly. "The point is, I'm sorry I freaked you out. And I'm not going to blame hormones because that sounds like an easy out but I shouldn't have just done that. That was not okay. But you can't…tacos. You should stay and eat tacos and we can just…not kiss again."
Derek took another deep breath as he stared at her, at the way her eyes seemed to glow and how her hair framed her still pink cheeks, and he ran his hand through his hair again. He couldn't do it. He never should have kissed her and he couldn't…he shouldn't even be here. The voice still wasn't back but he knew it would come back when he was home and he would deserve the sleepless night that was ahead of him. He had made himself a promise and he could't actually break it. He wasn't in any kind of position to sit here and eat tacos with a woman he desperately wanted to kiss again. "Your breaker switch is somehow stuck between on and off," he heard himself say. "Grab some pliers and force it over to on and you should be good."
"First of all, you're assuming I know what you're talking about," she rolled her eyes as she took another step towards him, one of her hands resting on her rounded stomach. "Second, I really want you to stay and eat tacos. It's late and you're not going to have time to make anything. So just stay for tacos. Please?"
It was tempting. He couldn't actually deny that it was tempting to stay with her for a bit and eat tacos. But he didn't know what would happen if that voice was on vacation and he was going out for Halloween as a person who didn't fuck up lives irreparably. She already had so much going on in her life with her pregnancy, but there was something about the please that almost broke his heart. She was probably lonely in a new town and lonely and scared weren't the best mixes for a healthy pregnancy. "I…come downstairs with me," he nodded as he turned towards her basement door.
"What?" She frowned.
"Let's fix your lights before we eat," he shrugged as he did a quick mental calculation of his time. It wouldn't take long to eat tacos and he could still be in bed by eleven and maybe get some reading done. It was probably going to be a sleepless night and he had a feeling he would be pulling the picture out at some point, but he had time. He just had to readjust the rest of his night.
"Oh, okay," she breathed as she followed him to her basement door. His hand slid over the light switch and then he moved aside to let her go first. He had no idea how her balance was, but based on the fall in the shower a couple weeks earlier, he wasn't taking any chances. If she lost her balance, he would be right behind her to catch her. But she took the stairs with ease and Derek paused next to her as they came up to her breaker box.
"See that?" He asked her as he pointed to the switch. "It should be all the way over to on, but for some reason it's caught in the middle."
"I see it," she nodded, her hand rubbing a spot on her belly.
"Are you okay?" He frowned.
"Yeah, she just moves a lot whenever you talk," Meredith shrugged, a smile growing on her lips. "You're a new voice so I think she's just…curious."
"Oh…" Derek nodded, glancing down at her belly. His fingers twitched slightly at his side as a strange urge to feel the baby move washed over him. He shook his head and then reached into the tool box for the pliers and handed them to her. "Grip the switch and then just move it onto the on position."
"Okay," Meredith nodded, taking the pliers for him and leaning towards the box. "Right here?"
"Right there," he confirmed as he watched her grip the button with the pliers and then she moved the switch, her hand shaking slightly. "There you go. Poltergeist gone."
"You don't have to tease me," she rolled her eyes even as she grinned. "This means tacos now, right?"
"I know better than to stand in the way of a pregnant woman and her cravings," Derek shook his head as Meredith turned to go back up the stairs. She definitely took them slower and he swallowed heavily when he felt his eyes moving over her curves. It wasn't exactly obvious that she was pregnant from behind, but she was beautiful and he really had no idea why his brain kept going back to that word.
"How do you know?" She asked, moving to her cabinets to pull out a couple of plates.
"Oh…four sisters," Derek nodded. "Really girly, tons of kids."
"Tons of kids?" Meredith smiled at him.
"Fifteen," he grinned, watching her put her tacos together. She put shredded cheese over her ground beef, some sour cream, and then the pineapple salsa over three tacos before taking it to the island in the middle of the kitchen. He quickly put together his two tacos and then followed her. "I have fifteen nieces and nephews."
"Wow," she breathed, her eyes wide. "Your poor sisters have done this that many times?"
"In total, yeah," he laughed before pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I um…they've been sending me pictures of my nieces and nephews all night."
"That's cute," she grinned, scooting closer to him as he opened the group text. It was filled with pictures of his nieces and nephews, dressed like various super heroes and princesses and a couple costumes he couldn't exactly place. Meredith ran her hand over her stomach as he showed her the pictures, which was another thing he couldn't really explain. He didn't usually show off his private life to anyone in town. They all knew his parents, but that was pretty much it. "They're really cute."
"They are," he agreed before tucking his phone back into his pocket.
"It's crazy," she started as she bit into a taco, "this time next year, I'll be dressing her up as a…I don't know…pumpkin? I think a lot of people dress babies up as pumpkins."
"I don't see you going the traditional route for Baby Girl Grey," he shrugged. "I see you going for a unicorn or something."
"A unicorn?" She giggled softly before taking another bite of her taco. "This pineapple salsa is amazing."
"I'm glad you like it," he nodded, taking a bite of his own taco. "Do you have any nieces or nephews?"
"One niece," she smiled. "Laura. And I think my little sister wants another baby. My other sister is a neurosurgeon and kind of focused on work right now."
"A neurosurgeon?" Derek raised an eyebrow as he felt his chest start to tighten.
"Yeah," she nodded, licking sour cream off her fingers. "She's an amazing surgeon but…she'll want babies at some point. She's already plotting how to spoil my daughter, including animal towels. I'm supposed to figure out what kind of animal she's going to be."
"That's…that's a tough call," he nodded as he took another bite of his taco.
"I know,' she agreed before glancing at him. "Can I ask you a question?"
"You tend to say that before asking me a personal question," he pointed out.
"I know but…I mean, this whole town loves you," she started. "You have your own table at the coffee shop and women flirt with you at the office and…the whole town loves you but you just seem…"
"Seem?" He frowned.
"I don't…never mind," she shook her head quickly. "It's too personal and I shouldn't ask."
"Too personal," he ran his hand over his hair. "You've heard rumors abut the doctor who is always single."
"I heard it called the town curse," she offered. "The old doctor was single, too?"
"The old doctor was gay," Derek laughed. "He died with his partner by his side."
"Oh," Meredith giggled softly. "So the small town wasn't ready to talk about that?"
"They thought they were old college friends," Derek shrugged as he took a deep breath. "I…yes, I'm single. And I don't…I'd prefer not to talk about it."
"Too personal," she nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he murmured as he checked his watch. "I should go."
"Oh," she breathed. "I…thanks for fixing my lights. And the tacos."
"Of course," he smiled at her before glancing down at her wrist. "Do you still have the wrap?"
"It's fine, Dr. Shepherd," she rolled her eyes as she stood from her bar stool and walked to a drawer before returning with the wrap for her wrist.
"Just let me wrap it for a few more days and I'll leave it alone," Derek laughed softly before reaching for her wrist. The spark moved through him and he looked up at her just in time to realize it must have rocked her too when her eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly. His own breath seemed to get trapped somewhere in his chest and his eyes flickered down to her lips. He wrapped her wrist slowly with shaking fingers, trying to ignore each spark that moved through him.
"Derek…" she whispered softly. He looked up into her golden eyes and felt his word shift all over again. None of this made sense, none of it matched with what the world he had been trying to build for himself for twenty years. He took a deep breath and felt himself moving towards her just as her fingers entwined with his. And then suddenly, he heard the voice roaring in his ears, screaming a name that definitely wasn't hers. "Derek?"
"Sorry," he breathed as he pulled back. "I have to go."
"Right," she nodded before looking down at her wrist. "Thanks. For everything tonight."
"Of course," he whispered as he stood and reached for his blazer. "Like I said…small town doctor perks."
"Lucky me," she giggled, resting her hand on her stomach.
"Still moving?" Derek asked.
"Every time you talk," she shrugged. "You can feel if you want."
"Oh…" he whispered as he glanced down at her belly and then shook his head. "I'll see you later."
"Happy Halloween," she grinned at him and he forced a smile back at her before walking out of her house. His breath felt like it was trapped in his chest and the voice had apparently decided to make a come back. He had been doing so well today, almost better than he had in a long time, and now it all just felt so big. Every time he talked to Meredith, something shifted, and he didn't know if he could get it back this time. He had kissed her, he hadn't just kissed her, he had enjoyed kissing her. It had been the first time he had kissed anyone but Alison and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to take it. Meredith was just a reminder of the ghosts in his past of what could or should have been if it hadn't been for that night, and he felt almost stupid even thinking about ghosts. The past was done. He wasn't a neurosurgeon. What had happened had happened and he couldn't make himself think past anything but her name. And he wanted it to stop before everything and everyone else came flooding back.
He would need to get home, need to look at the picture to remind himself why he couldn't be kissing beautiful women, but right now he wasn't sure if he wanted to turn around and kiss Meredith again or go home and hate himself for the urge. He didn't know how to explain what he was feeling, but he wasn't sure how many more times he could take his world shifting before it just completely collapsed around him. And if that happened, Derek wasn't sure he could get it back, or if he would even be able to.
There's an albatross around your neck,
All the things you've said,
And the things you've done,
Can you carry it with no regrets,
Can you stand the person you've become,
Ooh there's a light