Chapter 10- A Puzzle Unsolved
Meredith didn't like mysteries. Actually, that was probably wrong. She loved mysteries, and she always had, but she didn't like when she couldn't figure them out. She hated when things didn't make sense or track. It was probably why she had become a journalist: she could put puzzle pieces together to form a whole picture of a person or an event. And right now, Meredith really felt like she was missing about half of the pieces when it came to Derek Shepherd. He was gorgeous, smart, single, a doctor, and from Long Island. With that information, she was pretty sure the picture should be forming to make a guy that wouldn't freak out after kissing her. He was a good guy who talked to her growing daughter and showed her pictures of his nieces and nephews and even suggested she dress Baby Girl Grey up as a unicorn next year. That really didn't suggest that it was her pregnancy that was freaking him out.
Of course, there was probably a huge difference between talking about her daughter and actually wanting to date someone who was only three weeks away from her third trimester and taking on a baby and a single mom who might move away when this was all over. Not that Derek knew that she might not stay in Oakbrook Falls, but there was still the fact that she was pregnant and throwing herself at him and maybe that did freak him out. Maybe that was the piece of the puzzle she was missing, but she didn't think so. There were other things that she really couldn't figure out like why a guy who went to Columbia for medical school ended up in a small town for the last eighteen years or why he didn't want to talk about being single. The small town talked a lot about how Derek had never dated, not once. But he didn't want to talk about it and he had really and completely freaked out after their kiss.
And then there had been the almost kiss. She hadn't misread that, she knew that much. After the first amazing kiss, when he had somehow lifted her onto the counter like she weighed nothing and made her desperate for sex on the counter, after that kiss, there had been the almost kiss. He had clearly freaked out after the first kiss and had freaked out for some other reason while they were eating tacos, but when he had been wrapping her wrist again, there had been an almost kiss. There had been sparks and his eyes had softened and she had sworn there would be a kiss that she was pretty sure would have led to her bedroom. But instead, he had left and for the last day, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about that.
It was just that there were puzzle pieces missing and she didn't know what they were. Derek wanted to kiss her, he wanted to touch her, and she wasn't sure what was missing and she was tired of obsessing over it. She had bigger issues to deal with but pregnancy was pregnancy and it was stupid to focus on it every single day. Her article for the women's site had been received well but otherwise, she didn't have a whole lot going on. So she had more to worry about than why the town doctor freaked out when they kissed or tightened up when she asked him personal questions. Of course, she should probably also worry about why she was so worried about this. She was going to have a baby in February and she didn't need to be thinking about getting naked with the town doctor.
She didn't have the best of luck with men which was obvious judging by her current life. Derek was going to be her doctor and that had to be it. She didn't need to be thinking about being with him or dating him or anything else. He was her doctor and she wasn't going to be looking for anything for awhile. Her first priority had to be her daughter and raising her in a few months. So maybe she just needed to stop trying to figure out the puzzle of Derek Shepherd and just focus on the puzzle of her life. Maybe that puzzle would be less stressful than trying to figure out the hot doctor who was taking up all of her thoughts.
So today seemed like a good day to get out of her house and stop finding ways to add Derek's amazing pineapple salsa to everything she ate. The taco craving was gone but she really couldn't stop thinking about the amazing pineapple salsa. But she had tried it with eggs and she wasn't sure that had been a really good idea. Now she was on her way to the coffee shop before going out for a hike. Her ankle was mostly cured at this point and she figured it was more than time to get another hike in before she got huge and it snowed. Her maternity clothes had finally come in the mail so now she actually looked kind of cute in jeans and a t-shirt that hugged her belly underneath the puffy vest that didn't hide her belly at all. The oversized sweaters had been comfortable but she actually really did think she liked how she looked right now.
Soon, she'd be huge and probably would go back to the oversized look, but right now she felt really good and she liked the idea of being a cute pregnant person. Her body had changed a lot, but she didn't really feel huge, just a little different. So she could be a cute pregnant person who went to the local coffee shop before hiking for a little bit. She definitely wasn't going to be the cute pregnant person who worried about the town doctor and his amazing blue eyes. That would be pathetic. And if Meredith Grey was anything, it definitely wasn't the pathetic girl who kept obsessing over a guy who didn't want her, even if the whole putting her on the counter and massaging her boob sent a whole other kind of message. But she wasn't thinking about that message.
"Good morning, Meredith," Chris greeted her as she walked up to the counter.
"Good morning, Chris," she replied with a smile as she looked up at the chalkboard with the written specials. Her brain was picking up on some weird new craving and she took a deep breath, resting her hand on her belly. "I might have a strange request."
"Strange request?" Chris laughed as he looked at her stomach. "Those were my speciality back in the day. Even my girl Tegan comes to me whenever something pops up in her head."
"Can I have a sausage breakfast sandwich but instead of a biscuit…can it be on a chocolate croissant?" Meredith asked hopefully.
"I think I can make that work," Chris chuckled softly, running his hand over his white beard. "Small latte?"
"Small vanilla latte," she nodded. "And seriously, thank you for the whole strange request thing."
"Any time," he smiled at her. "Going for a hike?"
"I was thinking about it, yeah," she nodded as she slid some cash across the counter to him. "Any other trails I should take besides Watkins's?"
"Well, it's been an age since I went up there," Chris laughed as he tapped his heart. "Not the greatest of tickers, you know. The doc got me a pace maker but not sure he'd necessarily sign on to me hiking."
"I have a feeling the doc would sign on to more exercise," Derek's voice came from behind her and Meredith turned quickly. He was dressed down in jeans and a henley, a light blue jacket that was open on over his outfit. He was a little scruffy, his eyes looked a little puffy, but he still looking amazing.
"I walked right into that, didn't I?" Chris shook his head.
"Exercise, Chris," Derek advised as he handed Chris some cash. "I'm pretty sure we talked about it at the appointment. Exercise is good for the heart."
"Yeah, yeah," the old man rolled his eyes before handing Meredith her latte. "You hear how he talks to his elders?"
"I think it's how he talks to his patients," Meredith giggled as she glanced at Derek as he quickly turned his head.
"Of course she takes your side, Doc," Chris shook his head. "Help her choose a trail?"
"Oh…" Derek nodded slowly as he swallowed. "Yeah, I can do that. As long as you swear to exercise."
"I already told you I would, Derek," Chris pointed out.
"And then you told someone you couldn't go hiking because of your heart," he laughed, shaking his head.
"Got it, Doc," the old man snorted before smiling at Meredith. "Take a seat. I'll bring you your breakfast sandwich."
"Thanks, Chris," Meredith smiled softly as she sipped at her coffee. Derek grabbed his bagel and started towards his table before pausing for a second, his shoulders moving up and down slowly in a long inhale and exhale.
"You…do you want to sit?" He asked her as he turned back around, his eyes moving up and down her body. "It's busy and I…I have a table."
"Oh," she breathed as she looked around the crowded room. He was right, it was mostly standing room, and standing while drinking her coffee didn't sound all that fun. "Yeah, sure, if you don't mind."
"I offered, Meredith," he shrugged as he walked back to his table. He moved the second chair over to the right slightly before sitting down in the chair against the back of the wall. He paused for a second and then shifted it to the left before nodding. "Go ahead and sit."
"Thanks," she grinned as she sat down across from him.
"Did you order food?" He asked, smearing some cream cheese on his bagel.
"Yeah, but it was kind of a random thing and I think Chris is actually making it for me from scratch or something," she shrugged before wrapping her hands around her mug. She was not going to stare at him. He looked amazing but she was not going to stare at him because staring at him just confused her.
"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly. "A new craving?"
"I don't even know if it's a craving or if Baby Girl Grey just came up with something really weird to punish me for the pineapple salsa and eggs debacle," she shrugged, rubbing her stomach slowly.
"Pineapple salsa?" Derek smiled slightly.
"You've started something and you really should feel bad about that," she sighed as she finally looked up at him and felt the room immediately heat. "I've literally put pineapple salsa on everything since the other night and I'm already almost out."
"Then I definitely apologize," he nodded as he took a bite of his bagel. His eyes were sparkling though and she already hated that her brain was doing that thing where she wanted to run her fingers through his dark curls.
"Here we go, Meredith," Chris grinned as he came from behind Meredith to stand against the wall instead of actually walking up to the table. "Sausage breakfast sandwich on a chocolate croissant."
"Thanks, Chris," she grinned widely.
"Strange requests can be my specialty for the next little bit," Chris looked down at her stomach before glancing at Derek. "You heading out for a hike, Doc?"
"It's Saturday," Derek looked up from his bagel, a slight frown on his face. "You know I am."
"Right," Chris nodded as a smile pulled at his lips. "Meredith wants to go on a hike, too."
"Hmmm…" Derek breathed before his frown deepened. "On that ankle?"
"It's better," she insisted as she took a bite of her breakfast sandwich and moaned. "Chris…you're my favorite person right now. This is amazing."
"I'm glad to hear that, Meredith," Chris grinned. "Anyway, Doc, I was thinking you could show Meredith whatever trail you're going on. Always good to be neighborly."
"He doesn't have to," she shook her head quickly as she looked up at Derek, who now looked a little pale. "Derek, you don't have to. I just…I wanted to try a new trail and thought a local could tell me which one is good."
"And the Doc is the expert on that after eighteen years of hiking every Saturday," Chris shrugged. "Enjoy the hike, you two." The old man turned and walked away and Meredith took a deep breath before sipping at her coffee. It was like the universe wanted her to be around Derek, or at least to figure out the puzzle of him. Not that she actually had to go hiking with him, but she wanted to.
"Are you sure your ankle is up for a hike?" Derek asked softly as he ran his hand through his hair.
"It really doesn't hurt anymore," she insisted and then shook her head. "And you don't have to take me. I don't know why Chris…you don't have to take me."
"I…" Derek shook his head before looking down at his coffee. His fingers twitched slightly and he looked up at her with his puffy blue eyes before picking up his bagel. "I'd rather take you and know that if your ankle does give out, you have someone who can help you."
"It really is okay, Derek," she insisted.
"Meredith," he shook his head. "I…every Saturday I go hiking for two hours. It's relaxing and it helps me clear my mind and…I do know all of the best trails. So if you want to know the good trails, then I'll take you. And if I didn't take you, then Chris will torture me for the next week."
"So you're taking me because you don't want your coffee guy to torture you?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. No," he said quickly. "I want to be sure you're okay and you enjoy hiking so I think you'll get it."
"I'll get it?" Meredith asked, taking the last bite of her sandwich.
"I've taken my brother before and he talked the whole time," Derek shrugged. "And then bitched."
"I won't bitch," she offered. "And I use hiking to clear my mind, too."
"Good," he whispered before standing. "Ready to go?"
"Ready," Meredith nodded, following behind him. The baby was moving again, just like she always did when Derek was around and Meredith wrapped her hand over her stomach as she fell into step next to Derek. He seemed different somehow and she could only figure it was the other night. It was that stupid puzzle piece that was missing and she didn't know how to find it. He was funny and nice until he got awkward and she just didn't get why. And she didn't know why he had put himself in this situation when he had freaked out so much the other night. It would have been so easy for him to say no, that he wanted to be alone, and she would have completely okay with that. But instead they were walking down the street together, Derek's hands in his pockets as he looked down at his feet.
It was just so awkward and she didn't know what to say. Ever since she had met Derek, it had seemed so easy to talk to him. Even after the awkwardness after the kiss, they had had easy conversation. Maybe it would have been better for her to say her ankle or her back was hurting and just get out of it. The back thing wasn't necessarily a lie, but she had read that exercise might help it and that's really what she was going for.
"Are you okay?" Derek asked softly.
"What?" She looked up at him.
"You're just quiet,'' he shrugged.
"You just said that you preferred quiet on your hikes,' she pointed out. "And you seem like you need to clear your mind."
"I…I did say that," he sighed as they walked down the main street together. This was horrible. It was horrible and a part of her almost wanted to cry. She didn't know a lot of people in Oakbrook Falls yet but Derek had at least been friendly and not at all judgey. Maybe it had been stupid, but past all of the feelings of desperately wanting to jump him, she had kind of liked the idea of just having someone to talk to. Of course, she also had this thing where she destructed all the good things in her life without even trying. Hopefully her daughter didn't have the same tendency, though judging by the fact her hormones had made her jump Derek…well, it didn't bode well for the Grey girls.
Except it hadn't been hormones. She knew that was what she should be blaming, but she thought Derek was attractive and…she wasn't thinking about this. She was going to hike and she was going to clear her mind and he could clear his mind and then they could go their separate ways. She would stay quiet because that was apparently what he wanted and that had to be enough to get through this weirdness. "You can tell me if you don't want me to come," she murmured.
"I invited you," he pointed out.
"You didn't invite me. Chris invited me," she argued.
"He did but I could have…" Derek shook his head, his jaw tightening.
"Okay, I think…this is about the other night," Meredith said firmly as she followed Derek to the base of the trail. "So I'm going to say somethings and you tell me if any of those things are right and…or you can just tell me to go because you don't like to be around me and you're just my doctor."
"That's not…" he took another deep breath and looked up the trail. "It's not the hardest trail. It's pretty well defined but we might have to climb over some smaller rocks."
"I can do that," she nodded as she rested her hand on her belly.
"If you can't, it's okay, another trail veers off this one and it's actually easier," he said softly as his eyes fell to her stomach. "Both are really good trails. They just take a little longer to get the falls."
"That's okay, Derek," she insisted. "But if we're about to go on a hike and you're about to be weird, can I say some stuff? And then you can decide if you just don't want me on the hike."
"I want you on the hike, Meredith," Derek whispered, looking down at his hiking boots. "I don't know why I want you on the hike, but I do."
"Okay, well, you don't seem like you want me on the hike," she pointed out. Derek turned to go up the trail and she quickly followed behind him. The ground was mostly covered with leaves and there was something really satisfying about the crunch beneath her boots. "It wasn't hormones."
"Sorry?" He asked, looking over his shoulder at her.
"It wasn't hormones," she repeated because she was just going to say all of it and then maybe turn and run back home. "Hormones are a cop out and I'm not going to blame them. I mean, my friend Hillary said hormones are an actual thing and her husband…the point is, I know hormones are a thing but it wasn't hormones. I didn't kiss you because of hormones. I kissed you because I wanted to. I kissed you because your eyes do this thing and you have really, really nice hair. Has anyone ever told you about the hair?"
"I…it's my dad's hair," Derek shook his head, a curl falling over his forehead. "And I'm actually getting a hair cut after this."
"Okay, well…my point is, that's why I kissed you," she stated. "And I've been trying to figure out why you kissed me. Because you did kiss me, Derek. I didn't dream you kissing me. You actually…I was on the counter. You lifted me on the counter and I still can't figure out how you managed to do that because of the whole…but you did kiss me, Derek."
"I did kiss you," he agreed as he gently took her elbow to help her around a log.
"But apparently that kiss was really bad," she frowned up at him. "Oh maybe it was the almost kiss after? Was it that one? Because I was pretty sure that kiss was going to happen."
"It was," he nodded.
"And then it didn't happen," she said slowly. "So I have some theories."
"Meredith," he sighed.
"No, I'm going to list my theories and then we can go back to clearing our minds or whatever," she shook her head as she stopped by a huge oak tree. "So my first theory is that you're my doctor and you want to separate your professional and personal lives."
"I…I live in a very small town,' he pointed out to her. "Nothing is separated here, even if I want to."
"Right, okay, so that theory is dead," she nodded slowly. "So next theory…it's the pregnant thing. You don't want some big fat pregnant woman kissing you and you don't want…I mean, pregnancy means a baby and a baby is a huge responsibility and I'm not saying she would be your responsibility because she wouldn't be. She's my responsibility but if you wanted to…babies are a responsibility and maybe you just…so the theory is that the baby thing is freaking you out and the pregnant thing is really only okay if I'm your patient⏤"
"Meredith," Derek groaned and suddenly she was pinned against the tree as his lips landed on hers. She felt her hands move into his dark curls, pulling on them as his tongue brushed along hers. It was another amazing kiss and it made her brain swirl and then stop as she focused on the feeling of Derek's strong body covered hers as his hand fell to her stomach. "You ramble," he whispered into her mouth, his other hand cupping her cheek.
"I…I know, it's genetic or whatever," she breathed before nipping at his bottom lip. His thumb brushed over her cheek and he closed his eyes for a second, his chest rising and falling quickly. "Derek?"
"This…I can't…" he shook his head but he wasn't moving as his strong fingers brushed over her stomach as the baby wiggled.
"Okay? See, this is…" she pulled back from him, even if his body still covered hers. "You can't kiss someone and say you can't. It's confusing and weird and I feel like…there's this piece of you I don't have and nothing makes sense."
"Don't start rambling again," he shook his head before turning to walk up the trail.
"Don't start freaking out again," Meredith countered, trying to ignore her shaking legs as she walked after him. "You kissed me this time. It wasn't my fault. So no blaming hormones."
"I'm not blaming hormones," Derek shook his head. "I kissed you."
"I'm suddenly understanding the need for hiking to clear your mind," she mumbled under her breath. Frustrating. He was frustrating and sexy and he apparently wasn't bothered by the pregnancy thing or…she didn't know what his problem was. He just kept hiking instead of talking, his back was straight and she heard him take deep intakes of sharp breaths. It just didn't make sense and she didn't know what to do anymore.
"You don't make sense," he suddenly said as he lifted a branch for her to walk under.
"What?" Meredith breathed.
"You don't make sense," he whispered, staring at his feet. "I know you think I don't make sense but you don't make sense. You're my patient so automatically I shouldn't be kissing you. But it's not that. It's you. It's you when you ramble or your how your green eyes look golden. I have a life here and it works very well, Meredith. I have a routine and it works and it's how my life is supposed to be. And then you come in and suddenly I'm eating tacos at nine-thirty at night and going hiking with you on a Saturday and…kissing you.'
"Okay,' she nodded slowly. At least he was talking. "You like routines."
"I don't…it's not about…" he trailed off as he shook his head. "Routines help."
"They help?" Meredith asked.
"Hmmm…" he breathed. "You don't fit into routines. Any of them."
"I'm getting really confused, Derek,' she looked up at him. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were dark and she reached for his hand to squeeze it.
"You're beautiful," he murmured as he turned to look at her. She didn't know how to describe the look in his eyes but it almost looked like fear or regret or something. "You are beautiful and you make it easier to breathe and none of that makes sense for me. I wanted to hike so that I could either forget that or figure it out. Because you can't be beautiful to me, Meredith."
"Okay…stop talking in riddles,' she ordered, squeezing his hand tightly. "Just…I don't do well with being confused or with missing puzzle pieces. And you're like one giant puzzle with a million pieces."
"That actually might feel right," Derek laughed slightly. "Watch that rock."
"Derek."
"You had a twisted ankle, Meredith," he pointed out as his hand moved to her lower back and then quickly pulled back.
"No, I want you to keep talking," she shook her head, reaching for his hand again. "I want you to explain this to me because I honestly can't tell if you like kissing me or hate kissing me but can't help yourself. Like maybe you have an impulse control issue or something."
"I've never had a problem before," he shook his head quickly and then looked down at their hands. "I like kissing you and that's the problem."
"Why is that a problem?" She pressed.
"It's just…" Derek closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath as his body shook and then he nodded. "You asked the other night about me being single."
"I did," Meredith agreed softly as she reached up to run her fingers through his hair. He almost immediately flinched and she tried not to take it personally, she really did, but something about it made her feel even worse.
"I am single," he whispered. "But I don't…the reason I don't…I was engaged."
"Okay…" she said slowly. "When? Because no one in town talks about it."
"Because they don't know," Derek opened his dark blue eyes and stared at her. "I don't talk about it because I don't need to talk about it. It was before I moved here and that's…they don't need to know."
"Before you moved here," she nodded, digging deep into her mind for the contents of the Oakbrook Falls website. "You moved here eighteen years ago, Derek. I don't…"
"She died," he whispered in the most strangled voice she had ever heard. "Alison died."
"Oh," Meredith felt every ounce of air whoosh out of her lungs. "Oh."
"Alison died in a car accident twenty years ago," Derek whispered. "No one here knows that and I don't know why I'm telling you except that I need you to understand…you don't fit. I can't let you…"
"Fit," she finished, running her hand over her stomach as she took a step back from him. "You can't let me fit."
"I can't…I can't talk about it," he said quickly as his breath came almost too fast. "I can't…she died and I haven't…I'm fine now and I live here but I can't…it's not…"
"Breathe," she ordered, reaching quickly for his wrist again and giving it a tight squeeze. "You have to breathe because I can't carry you down this trail and you need to breathe. You don't have to talk about it." She kept a little bit of pressure on his inner wrist as his eyes widened and then turned back to her, his breathing starting to slow. "Just breathe. It's…it's okay. You don't have to…just breathe."
"Sorry," he whispered, his body calming with each breath he took. "Sorry. I just…I don't tell people."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she insisted again.
"Okay," he whispered before squeezing her hand tightly. "I don't want to."
"Okay," she echoed before entwining her fingers with his. His eyes darted down to her hands and she thought for a second he would pull his hand away but he didn't. He pulled slightly at it and then they were hiking again, moving up the trail with their fingers entwined. It was a puzzle piece, but a small one. If anything, she felt like she had picked up a piece to a hundred piece puzzle only to find out she was actually working on a thousand pieces. "I'm sorry."
"Hmmm?"
"I'm sorry," she repeated as she looked up at him. "That's…about Alison. I'm sorry."
"Oh,' Derek nodded as he winced. "Thanks."
"Yeah," she whispered, rubbing her stomach gently as the baby wiggled. It was still a weird feeling, even weirder when it came after a few minutes of her daughter not moving. But she seemed to be stretching now and Meredith ran her hand gently along the fabric of her vest. Maybe it was just better for her to stay quiet on this hike, to focus on her wiggly daughter, and not ask anymore questions even if she felt like Derek was just hiding all the pieces from her. Which was actually totally okay because it was his life, but she wanted to know more. She wanted to understand why his fiancee dying twenty years ago meant she wasn't allowed to fit. Which actually made her feel like a really bad person.
She didn't have the right to question how he felt about his fiancee. She didn't have the right to tell him that he should move on or move on with her. Besides the fact that he barely knew her, it was just…she couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now. It was hard for him to talk about and it obviously still hurt, so she didn't need to get involved in that. They were just hiking and he was showing her a new path, and that had be it for now.
"You make me forget sometimes," Derek suddenly said, quickly ducking from a branch and then reaching to hold it for her again before pulling her forward.
"What?" Meredith frowned.
"You make me forget," he smiled down at her. "Not about her. Just...that I'm not...that I can't let you fit."
"Is...is that a good thing?"
"I don't know," he murmured as his eyes darkened. "It shouldn't be. I keep thinking I won't keep putting myself in these situations with you because I can't figure out why or how...but at your house and now...it feels really good to be able to breathe sometimes."
"Oh," she whispered as she squeezed his hand. "So you're saying..."
"I don't know that either. Just that..." he shook his head. "I don't know. But it isn't about you or...I kissed you. I kissed you and it feels good to kiss you. But I can't."
"You can't," she nodded. "So do you want me to go on the other trail…"
"No," he shook his head as he pulled her closer to him. "Breathing feels good."
"Okay," she murmured as she let her own body relax against his. "So we hike."
"So we hike," Derek echoed before turning to go up the path again. He was a mystery. That was all Meredith could really think. Her doctor was a mystery and maybe more than a little dark and twisty. She couldn't push, she couldn't ask the thousands of questions that were going through her journalist mind. She had learned a long time ago that some stories had to be told in their own time and in their own way, and it took a lot of patience until those two things came together. And maybe that was what she had to do now.
Obviously she was attracted to him and that was more than a little bit of a problem. But it was just an attraction and she could go back to the original plan of just being in Oakbrook Falls and getting through her pregnancy and figuring out what the rest of her life was going to look like with a little baby girl. She just needed to let go of the whole solving a mystery thing and stop giving into distractions. The mystery of Dr. Derek Shepherd could not take the place of the Property Brothers.
Are you uncertain?
Or just scared to drop your guard?
Have you been broken?
Are you afraid to show your heart?