Chapter 11- The Pain Underneath (TW- Suicide)
His runs were starting to get longer. Without even realizing it, Derek was starting to run farther than he usually did in the morning. It happened in November, when his brain started to go too fast and his breathing always felt like it was trapped somewhere between the ache in his heart and the tightness of his chest wall. He ran farther and faster so that the routine wasn't too thrown off and so that he could try not to think. When he ran, he tried to focus on the feel of the pavement beneath his tennis shoes, the rhythmic motion of his body, and the panting of his breath. He wanted to be aware of nothing except for the sweat that built on his skin and the way his clothes felt against it. All of that had to feel better than what was going through his mind now.
The hike with Meredith had been…it had been too much. He had been thrilled to find out the twentieth anniversary of his proposal to Alison had fallen on a Saturday, when he could hike all day and just be sad. He had expected the flashbacks and the nightmares, but he hadn't expected to be all but forced into taking his pregnant patient for a hike. More specifically, he hadn't expected her quiet strength to make it easier for him to breathe for a couple of hours. He had never actually thought he had trouble breathing, but Meredith made him feel different somehow. Actually, she made him feel different in a lot of ways and absolutely none of them made him feel like he was atoning for what had happened.
He was supposed to remember. He was supposed to remember what Alison had sounded like or how she had taken her coffee. He was supposed to remember what color her dress had been the night of the proposal and how she had kissed him or if she had even said yes or just screamed happily. But those memories were fading so far out of his reach that sometimes he felt like he was drowning and desperately trying to reach the safety of a lifeboat. Those memories had been replaced by sickening crunches, red and blue lights, blood on a green dress that almost made it black, and the feeling of glass underneath his palms. When his routine was thrown off, those memories took over everything and made his runs longer and harder.
Meredith threw off his routines. After their hike, on which she had been quiet unless he asked her questions, he had wanted to walk her back to her place and make sure she was warm and comfortable. Her back had been hurting a bit and it had taken everything he had not to offer up a massage. Before her, he had never even considered changing his daily routines. They worked for him and he needed them desperately right now. But the more time he spent with her, the more he craved the feeling of just being able to breathe. He knew he was confusing her and that it wasn't fair to her. Kissing her was wrong and he really needed to stop, but he had no idea how. He didn't know how to stop any of this and he didn't know if he wanted to. Or he did want to stop, but he just…it was all too confusing for him to process right now.
He would be seeing her again today, for her twenty-four week appointment. He loved that she was clearly embracing her pregnancy now, and that she seemed much more at peace with her life. He was sure it had to be hard for her to be doing this alone, but at least she wasn't living in denial. Not that she could with the way the baby was moving these days, which led right back to the kiss while they had been hiking. It had somehow been the most natural thing in the world to rest his hand on her stomach and feel the little girl wiggle and kick while he kissed Meredith, letting his stressed body relax against hers, at least for a few minutes. But he couldn't keep doing it and he sucked in a deep breath as he ran into his house and leaned against the wall for a second, trying to catch his breath.
Shower. He needed to shower but he found himself walking towards his desk and pulling out the drawer, his eyes immediately falling to the picture inside. Light brown hair that couldn't hold a curl. They had joked about whether or not their babies would have curly hair or stick straight like hers. Her eyes had been brown and she had smiled a lot, mainly because she hadn't ever been able to think of many reasons not to smile. And her dress had been pink with little blue flowers on it the night of their engagement. She had looked so beautiful and Derek ran his fingers over the picture as he tried desperately hard to conjure up her voice in his head. But that was what had gone away and trying to force it made him want to cry. He at least needed to remember her like this over the next month. Once it was over, he could try to hide her back into the box he had put her in, the one he closed up tightly over the rest of the year, because he didn't want to think about that night. He didn't want to think about the other pictures in his desk drawer. He just needed to keep his routine tight over the next month and try not to disappear into it.
His phone rang in his hoodie pocket and he immediately pulled it out as he slammed the drawer shut. "Hey, Ma," he greeted as he walked back to his kitchen to grab a bottle of water.
"Hi, sweetheart," Mom's voice filled his ears and he let himself breathe for a second. "Just got back from your run?"
"Yeah," he nodded before guzzling some water. "It was a great run."
"I'm glad," she replied. "Any snow yet up there?"
"Not yet," he shrugged. "I keep thinking any day but I guess we're not there yet. I'm guessing you guys haven't gotten any?"
"Not yet, no, thank goodness," Mom laughed softly. "Your dad gets like a caged lion when there's snow."
"Imagine if you guys decided to become snowbirds and lived in Florida."
"As if we could ever leave our kids and grandkids," Mom admonished. "Anything new with you?"
"Not really," he shrugged because there was no way he could tell her about the pregnant woman he couldn't stop kissing. He couldn't really explain what was happening there and he wasn't sure how he could explain how bad and good it made him feel at once. Mom would never understand it, especially since he didn't, and he just didn't think it was a good idea to talk about something that couldn't keep happening anyway. "How about with you guys?"
"Dad's just getting over a cold," Mom reported and Derek felt his heart drop and then suddenly speed up.
"A cold?" He asked. "How bad was it? Are you sure he's getting over it?" His dad's injury meant that a cold could turn into a lot more and while Derek knew that his mom knew the signs of pneumonia and wouldn't let something happen to Dad, he also knew that the only way the next month could be any worse was if something did happen to either of his parents.
"He's fine, sweetheart," Mom stated, her voice soft in the way he had come all too familiar with over the years. "It's just a slight cold, probably from one of the grandkids. He rested in bed yesterday and now he's doing much better. He's reading while I make breakfast."
"Okay, good," he sighed as he ran his hand through his sweaty hair. "Just keep an eye on his breathing and his temperature."
"Yes, sweetheart, as a nurse I'm well aware of what to watch for when it comes to pneumonia," his mom said gently and he swallowed before leaning against his counter. "How was Saturday?"
"Oh…" he breathed. "I…I went for a hike and got my hair cut. I um…I had some leftovers for dinner."
"And how did you sleep?"
"I didn't," he admitted softly. "It was…but that's normal, Ma. Don't worry about that."
"No one is worrying, dear," she murmured. "I just want to be sure."
"It's never that day that's bad, Ma," he reminded her before walking back towards his bedroom. "It's never…I'm okay."
"I know, I know," she sighed and the line went silent for a second. "Dad and I can come up in a couple weeks."
"Mom," he groaned.
"It's just an offer," she said quickly. "We can come up for a couple of days and then come back in December. Just so…being alone won't help you, sweetheart."
"Mom, I really don't want to talk about this," he sighed heavily. "I know you and Dad are worried about me but…"
"But it's the twenty year anniversary and we have the right to worry," Mom interrupted. "We saw how you were when you were here."
"I was fine, it was one bad moment," Derek snapped before taking a deep breath. He needed to just count to ten and not give his mom a reason to freak out. His routines made sure that his snapping stayed in check and if Mom thought he was unraveling, then she would be here tomorrow. "Ma, I love you and I know you're worried. But I'm…I have to work. I'm going to be working that day and then I'll probably just…I'll be okay. Just like I am every other year."
"You're never okay," Mom pointed out. "And you never end up going into work. Dad and I are just offering to be in town if you need us."
"Ma, it's been eighteen years since I gave you a reason to be worried," he pointed out, trying to keep the edge out of his voice even as his chest tightened. "At some point you have to realize I'm not going to kill myself." The line went quiet and Derek paused in the middle of his bedroom, realizing that it was absolutely the wrong thing to say. His parents had been through a lot in the first year or two after the accident and the simple fact was, he had given them more than enough reason to worry. "Ma?"
"Derek, there are somethings that are just better not to…" Mom paused and her voice broke. "None of us thought it before."
"I know, Mom," he whispered. "I'm sorry."
"You probably want to get ready for the day."
"Ma, no, I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I'm…that was an insensitive thing to say. I know it was. I'm just…I shouldn't have said it."
"It's all right, sweetheart," she stated as he heard Dad's soft murmur. "Breakfast is ready so I have to let you go anyway. Can I call you tonight?"
"You can call whenever, Ma," Derek whispered as he felt guilt rise in his chest. "I love you. And Dad."
"We love you, too, dear," Ma murmured before hanging up. Derek let out a long breath as he sat down on his bed, fighting the sudden urge to cry. He hated doing this to his parents, hated that they still had that worry even after eighteen years. Kathleen had wanted them to go to therapy at some point, because it had been traumatic for them, but his parents had stubbornly refused and Derek sometimes wondered if he had stayed in the city if they would have gotten over it. But instead he had run off to Oakbrook Falls and that had been one of those out of character moments his therapist had always talked about. But really, Derek wasn't sure if his parents were still looking for the in character aspects of who he had been twenty years ago, without realizing that person was gone.
He just hated that they still worried, and that he gave them reason to worry. He shouldn't have said what he said to his mom and he was sure his dad would be comforting her all morning. There was probably even a text message in his future and he didn't know how he could possibly explain. Of course it frustrated him that his parents couldn't let it go, of course it annoyed him that his mom was constantly on egg shells around him, but she had been the one to rush him to the hospital nineteen years earlier. It had been a moment of weakness, a moment of doubt that he could keep living this new life.
But he had been fine ever since. Never once had it even entered his head again and he wished his mom could understand that. Either way, snapping about it and bringing it up to his parents probably wasn't the best idea and he hated that he had done it. It was going to be a rough enough month, and they didn't need him being like this. No matter how hard things felt, or how confused his brain was, he needed to show them that he really was doing okay, or at least better.
He showered quickly, dressed, and then left his house to go get his morning coffee and bagel. Mornings were like this were his favorite, especially when his routine went perfectly. Of course, his chest was tight and he was still wondering what he could do to make his mom feel a bit better about everything that was going on in his life. She was right that he usually didn't end up working on the anniversary but this year he was determined to make it different. Oakbrook Falls was booming, he had gained about fifteen new patients so far and that meant the town needed him. And once the snow hit, he usually ended up doing a lot more house calls so it would be fine. He was not going to let his parents worry about him.
"Good morning, Chris," he greeted the coffee shop owner who immediately smiled at him.
"Morning, Doc," the old man greeted him. "Good run this morning?"
"Great run," Derek agreed, sliding his money over to the old man. "Busy morning?"
"Busy enough," Chris shrugged as he looked around the coffee shop. "Tegan's coming into town. I think she might be making that final call to move here."
"That's great," Derek grinned at him. "It means you can finally take a breather.'
"Breathers are for the weak," the older man laughed, handing Derek his coffee. "And you better not tell her I need one. I control your coffee intake."
"I think I'll be okay, Chris," Derek rolled his eyes, though his breath suddenly hitched when he saw a familiar blonde sitting at his table. "I…Meredith's sitting at the table."
"I know," Chris smirked. "I told her she could wait for you there. She's not in your seat, right?"
"No. I just…" Derek took a deep breath and then raised his cup in salute at the older man. "Thanks, Chris." He shook his head and walked over to his table slowly. It was his table and it gave him exactly what he needed when he sat in the coffee shop every morning. Other people joined him sometimes, but usually it was brief. He didn't think anyone had just sat there before, and he really wasn't sure what to think of it. No matter what Meredith did, she always seemed to manage to confuse him at least a little. "Meredith?"
"Derek!' The blonde journalist turned to him, her smile wide as she rested her hand over her belly. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were bright, and Derek felt his eyes moving over her body before he could even register why. She really was beautiful with her blonde waves and her curvy body. He wasn't sure why his mind kept thinking that about his pregnant patient, but it was usually the first thing he noticed about her.
"Hi," he nodded slowly as he sat down in his chair. Somehow, she didn't block his view at all and he let out a soft breath before turning to his bagel. "Don't we have an appointment today?"
"We do," she nodded eagerly. "Twenty-four weeks appointment. I just…I woke up really excited and I thought about going to hang out outside the office but that seemed kind of weird so I figured I'd wait for you here and we could walk over."
"You woke up excited?" He asked.
"To see her."
"Oh," Derek nodded, glancing at her belly underneath the light fall jacket she was wearing. "We don't generally do another ultrasound until the third trimester."
"You don't?" Meredith asked as her face fell and her hand moved over the bump. "I mean…she's growing. I can tell she's grown because she feels bigger and her kicks are getting really strong and…don't you have to see how she's grown?"
"I can tell that by an exam," he explained.
"Okay but…" she sighed, her teeth catching her lower lip before she looked up at him. "Can you make an exception? Because I really…I can't explain it but I really want to see her. I want to see her and not freak out. I freaked out last time and the first time so I just really want to see her and just…be excited about her."
"She knows you're excited, Meredith," he assured her as he reached out to lightly touch her wrist. The spark that always accompanied their touches rushed through him and without any kind of thought that he should, Derek felt him lace his fingers with hers for a second.
"I know she does," she whispered, her fingers squeezing his. The coffee shop seemed smaller for a second and Derek felt the pain in his chest start to give as his eyes moved to hers, holding her gaze. Her green eyes were sparkling, but filled with a kind of want he didn't think he could ever understand, and he nodded slowly at her.
"Okay," he breathed. "We'll take another look at her today.'
"Thank you," she whispered and it suddenly hit him that he didn't want to move his hand. Her skin was soft and the light pressure from her fingers made his body seem to stop shaking. None of it made sense and it was so entirely against every rule of his atonement but when he was with her, he didn't know how not to break those rules. It was all second nature and so right that he didn't think he could just stop. It didn't make any sense how a petite and pregnant journalist from Manhattan made him forget how he had wronged so many people in his life, but she did. And the worst part was, he didn't know what he could do about it. If he were anyone else in the world, he would ask her out on a date. He would take her out and kiss her good night and it would be…but he couldn't do that. There was just no way he could do that.
"Hey," she whispered as she squeezed his wrist and he shook his head slightly. "Are you okay?"
"Oh," he breathed and took a deep breath. "Yeah, sorry. It's been…the last couple of nights…I'm okay."
"Okay," she murmured, her head cocked to the side slightly as she looked at him.
"Can I ask you a question?" He smiled at her.
"Isn't that my line?" Meredith giggled.
"It's my turn," he pointed out. "You always get to ask questions."
"Because you're a puzzle and I want to figure you out," she shrugged nonchalantly as she sipped at her coffee.
"Okay, well, you're not exactly an open book," Derek countered. It all felt so easy with her. He hadn't bantered with a woman in twenty years but this felt as easy as if he had been doing it his whole life with her.
"It doesn't go with my persona," she giggled.
"Your persona?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her.
"Strange new person who tried to hide her pregnancy," Meredith pointed out. "What was yours when you first moved here?"
"Oh…" Derek frowned slightly. "I…Dr. Shetland's new doctor? I don't know really. I didn't pay a lot of attention back then."
"You had to have a persona," she shook her head. "I mean, you were new and young and I'm guessing there wasn't a lot of population growth eighteen years ago."
"Definitely not," he shook his head. "The town was actually on a down swing then. And then the recession hit and things got really bad. Our mayor just got really smart in the last few years and made sure we became the answer to big city over stimulation."
"Okay, see, this is why I think I should be blogging about this town or something," she stated. "It has a story. Like a real, twenty-first century story."
"Which actually circles back around to my question," he smiled at her over the rim of his coffee cup.
"I was kind of hoping you had forgotten."
"A real open book," he shook his head. "You're a journalist."
"Is that a question?" She frowned. "Because I already told you that."
"You're a journalist who doesn't currently seem to be actually…journaling anything," he pointed out.
"Reporting," she corrected. "I was actually a reporter which is…I mean, journalist is the catch all term and we all go to school for journalism but…the point is, I was technically a reporter."
"Was? Or is?" He asked softly as she shifted in her seat, her hand moving over her stomach.
"I…it's a really complicated answer," she sighed. "It's not even a good story, just a stupid one. A stupid, brainless mistake that…it's complicated."
"And you clearly don't want to tell me the story," he nodded before checking his watch. "Come on. Patty's about to open the office."
"It's not that I don't want to tell you,' she shook her head quickly. "That's not…talking about it means I have to think about it and that's…I'm excited about my daughter right now. That's all I know and it seems like a really good step forward. So I don't want to start thinking about the fact I'm not currently reporting or why I'm not currently reporting."
"You don't have to tell me, Meredith," he assured her, offering her his hand so that he could help her stand from her chair. "I have my own…I'm not going to pry. I was just wondering."
"It's okay," she whispered as she rubbed her stomach. "But I really do think I might take this time to write a book. Or a blog or something about Oakbrook Falls. I feel like it has a story to tell."
"I think most small towns do,' he agreed as they walked out of the coffee shop together.
"Do you really like living here?" She asked him.
"I love it," he smiled widely. "It's…I needed peace and quiet when I moved here, I needed a change of pace. But it's more than that now. It's…I guess, it's just home. I can't imagine living anywhere else."
"It seems like it suits you," she shrugged.
"I think it does," he agreed and then frowned. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?" She grinned up at him.
"I asked you a question and somehow you ended up questioning me," he pointed out.
"Journalism powers," she laughed.
"I'm serious," he shook his head. "I know you say I'm a puzzle you can't figure out but I can't even get past the first page with you."
"You know I'm a journalist who isn't currently working," she pointed out. "And you know I'm pregnant with a baby girl and the dad isn't in the picture. And that I didn't handle the whole pregnancy thing well."
"I do, yeah," he agreed.
"And the rest…" she shrugged as she looked up at him, her green eyes serious. "I mean, slowly or whatever."
"Slowly," he echoed before looking up to see Patty standing at the door of the office. "Good morning, Patty."
"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd," Patty nodded, her eyes flickering down. Derek followed her gaze and almost gasped when he saw his hand still holding Meredith's, their fingers entwined as they stood next to each other. "Good morning, Meredith."
"Meredith wanted to know if we could fit her in early," Derek explained as he quickly dropped Meredith's hand and reached into his pocket for his keys. He hadn't even noticed. Somehow, he had just walked through town holding Meredith's hand and he hadn't even noticed and he wasn't sure how to feel. "She wanted to see Baby Girl Grey again and I told her that shouldn't be a problem.'
"No, it shouldn't be," Patty smiled warmly at Meredith. "Come on back with me, honey. We'll get you weighed and changed before Dr. Shepherd comes in. It sure looks like your baby girl has been doing some growing."
"She definitely has," Meredith grinned proudly as she rested both of her hands on her belly. "She's moving like crazy now."
"Well, of course she is, she has a wonderful mommy," Patty nodded as she led Meredith through the dark office towards the exam rooms. Derek swallowed heavily as he reached to turn on the lights, his hand still tingling slightly. He didn't know how it had happened, he definitely hadn't meant to happen, and holding hands around town with Meredith was just going to get a lot of rumors started that he didn't want to deal with. He knew he had helped her out of her chair, but he had just figured he had dropped her hand. Except he clearly hadn't and his mind was starting to race as he dropped his briefcase in his office and tried to take a steadying breath.
It had been a rough morning. Before the coffee shop, he would have thought that his morning wasn't at all good and that he wasn't at his best today. But after one conversation with Meredith, he all but forgot about the talk with his mom or even looking at Alison's picture. Without even trying, Meredith had made him forget a hellish morning but he didn't actually know if he liked that. He liked being able to breathe, that felt amazing, but openly forgetting just felt…wrong. Or maybe it felt right and the fact it felt right felt wrong. He wasn't sure but he did know that he couldn't keep doing this, no matter how much he wanted to.
It was like there were two parts of him at war with each other and he didn't know which one to listen to. He had sworn to himself twenty years ago that he would atone for everything that had happened that night and it seemed more than logical to think that even thinking about being happy with Meredith fell in line with that atonement. But there was another voice, a voice he hadn't heard in two decades, telling him that she made him forget and she made it easier to breathe and she was beautiful, and that he should give in to all of the good things about her. And if he kept doing this thing where he accidentally held hands with her or kissed her, he had a feeling he would listen to the voice instead of his own common sense.
"Derek?" Patty knocked on his door before poking her head in. "Meredith's all set for you in exam room two. I also gave her the glucose for her screening."
"Thanks, Patty," he nodded as he reached for Meredith's chart. "Anything to be concerned about?"
"No," his nurse shook her head. "Blood pressure is normal and she's gained about five and a quarter pounds since her last appointment. No temperature and no dizziness or unusual swelling reported. She says she feels great."
"Good," he nodded. "Let's get the ultrasound machine in there. She really wants to see the baby and after last appointment, I can't say no."
"She mentioned she can't wait to see her," Patty stated as she moved in front of the door. "Did you know her before she came into this office, Derek?"
"What?" Derek frowned at her.
"Now you know I don't judge, but that woman is alone and she's going to need support and the daddy…"
"Patty, I had never met her before and I'm definitely not the daddy," Derek groaned as he rolled his eyes. "And that's all I'm saying about that so I'd like to see my patient now, if that's okay with you."
"Derek, there's no reason to get a tone with me," Patty scolded.
"There is when you think you can ask a question like that."
"No, there isn't," Patty stated. "I knew a lot of secrets about Dave, secrets he didn't want the rest of the town to know and I kept every last one of them. But he told me because he respected me enough to know that when we work like this, there can't be a lot of secrets. Now, he always told me you had your secrets and to let you have them, so I've done that much. But when it comes to my patients…"
"Patty, please," Derek sighed heavily. "I've had a rough morning and I just…she's alone in town and we have some similar interests. That's it. I just want to help her."
"Okay…" His nurse said carefully before stepping aside. "Let's do that exam then."
"Thank you," he mumbled as he brushed past her. His brain was about to go into panic mode, he could tell that much, but he couldn't let it happen. Meredith was here and she was here as his patient, which meant she deserved him at his best. He took a deep breath and forced a smile to form before he knocked on the door and then walked into the exam room. She was sitting up on the table, a gown pushed up over her growing belly and a paper sheet draped over her lower half. Her legs were swinging slightly and her fingers were trailing over her bump as she looked up and smiled at him.
"Patty says we're doing great so far," Meredith stated. "And I looked it up on my app, she's the size of a cantaloupe, which is kind of crazy."
"She is," Derek laughed softly as he felt his smile turn from a forced one to the real thing. "How was the glucose?"
"Disgusting," she wrinkled her nose. "You could have warned me."
"Where's the fun in that?" He shook his head as he washed his hands. "I'll examine you first and then we'll take a look at her, okay?"
"Okay," Meredith nodded eagerly before she rested back against the exam table. Derek sat down on his stool and nodded as her legs fell open.
"Cervix is good, no signs of preterm labor," he announced to Patty, who was taking notes in Meredith's chart. "No bleeding or cramping, right, Meredith?"
"I obviously would have told you about that," she rolled her eyes and he smirked slightly. "The biggest thing is my back. It's starting to get sore and the only thing that seems to help it is hiking at this point, which really sounds counter-intuitive."
"Your back hurts because of your growing uterus and baby," he informed her. "It's curving to support the weight. And staying active will help the aches and pains for now. I'd actually prefer it if you kept hiking."
"Okay," she breathed as he rolled back his stool and stood up. "Patty, can you go grab the ultrasound machine?"
"Yes, of course," Patty smiled warmly before she left the room. Derek turned back to Meredith and placed his hands on her belly, feeling her uterus and the baby's positioning as she watched his movements. He pressed slightly at her uterus, trying to get a feel for the placenta, and was immediately rewarded with a swift and hard kick from the little girl growing inside her.
"Hey, baby girl," Meredith admonished as her hand fell just next to his. "Don't be mean to Derek."
"She…she's getting strong," Derek murmured as the baby's head seemed to bump against his palm. He had felt his nieces and nephews move inside his sisters before and he had certainly felt the babies inside his patients. But just like he got a shock whenever he touched Meredith, there was something similar happening now. Maybe not a shock or a spark but something warmer and both incredibly familiar and strange all at once. "Hi, Baby Girl Grey," he heard himself whisper as he spread his palm over Meredith's belly.
"Now you're going to get her going," Meredith giggled as she sat up on her elbows to stare at her stomach. "Every time I'm around you, she goes crazy."
"You've said that before," he nodded, staring at her belly as the baby's little wiggles and kicks made the skin move. "Baby Girl Grey, can I ask why that is? Is my voice annoying?" The baby seemed to answer him with a gentle roll and he moved his hand slowly, following the lazy movements as a warmth he couldn't describe filled him. "I…sorry…I shouldn't…"
"Derek, it's okay," Meredith murmured, her fingers closing over his wrist and moving his hand slightly to where the baby seemed to be kicking her tiny feet, or maybe punching her tiny wrists. "She likes your voice, I think."
"Well, that's a pretty big compliment, Baby Girl Grey," he grinned. This was insane and definitely inappropriate, but he couldn't stop himself. Usually, he would have just laughed at the movement and let his patient enjoy it for a minute, but instead, he wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to let himself enjoy the pressure of Meredith's fingers on his wrist and the feel of the little girl growing inside her bumping against this hand. And the strangest part was that he not only felt like he could breathe, he felt like he wanted to. There wasn't a voice in his head screaming about atoning, but there was a new voice. It was quiet and unsure and he cocked his head to listen to it as he let Meredith move his hand again. But as quickly as the voice appeared it was gone when he heard Patty open the door and he quickly dropped his hand.
"Are you okay to manage by yourself, Derek?" Patty asked as she wheeled the machine inside. "The phone's ringing off the hook and Meg is running late. Her kiddo has that bug that's going around."
"That's been a nasty bug," Derek frowned as he grabbed the machine from her. "Call her and tell her to stay home with him. I'll bring by some Motrin for her later. And then call Mrs. Henderson and ask if she can take over for the day."
"Can do," Patty smiled at Meredith. "I'll see you in a bit for that blood draw, honey."
"Thanks, Patty," Meredith nodded, rubbing her stomach soothingly.
"I'll be done in here soon, Patty, if you want to tell patients to start coming now," Derek called after his nurse before turning his attention to the ultrasound machine.
"Does that bother you?" Meredith asked softly.
"Does what bother me?"
"The changes," she shrugged.
"Oh," he frowned slightly. "No. Things happen. I'm on call pretty much twenty-four seven here. It's just part of my job."
"No, I know. I just thought…" she trailed off and shrugged. "Maybe it's nothing."
"Routines are good and I have them," he recited as he put some gel on her stomach. "In my personal life."
"Okay," Meredith murmured as she turned her head to glance at the screen. Her green eyes were sparkling and a smile was pulling at the corner of her lips and Derek felt himself smile before turning on the machine. Her uterus immediately came into view and Derek moved the wand just as her tumbling baby girl filled the screen. "Hey there, baby girl," she immediately breathed.
"She says hi, mommy," Derek murmured as he shifted slightly so that they could see the baby in profile. She was curled up, a lot more than she had been at the last ultrasound, but her little feet were kicking and she was moving her head back and forth.
"She's really cute, isn't she?" She whispered, one of her hands moving along her belly as the other reached out to the screen. "Like really really cute."
"I think she's beautiful," Derek answered honestly, watching the tiny baby as the warmth moved through him again. "She's kind of making me wish I had splurged on a 3D ultrasound."
"Really? You've never wished it before?" Meredith giggled softly.
"Hmmm…" he shook his head. "I think she has your nose and I'd like to know if I'm right."
"Really?" Meredith gasped, sitting up slightly to get closer to the machine. "You can't tell that yet, can you?"
"I mean, just by looking at her profile," Derek shrugged as he pointed to the baby's tiny little nose. "I think that's your nose. And she has long fingers. So do you."
"You've noticed my fingers?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
"Hmmm…" he shrugged, swallowing the guilt that rose up in him for a second. "Professional opinion is that she is beautiful."
"You said I was beautiful on the hike," she pointed out softly.
"I…yeah," he breathed the word, his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn't take his eyes off the baby on the screen and he almost jumped when he felt Meredith's fingers close around his wrist. She lifted his hand and rested it on her stomach as the baby turned and he closed his eyes for a second. There was the warmth and that strange familiar feeling, but then there were the flashing blue and red lights that made him pull his hand back quickly. "I…I'll print pictures for you."
"Okay," she nodded slowly, looking up at him. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah…I…" he took a deep breath as he printed off the pictures of Baby Girl Grey's profile. "She's doing really well, Meredith. Really, really well."
"She's beautiful," she smiled at him.
"She is," he agreed, handing her a towel. "Patty will be in soon to get your blood for the test and then I'll call you when we have the results."
"Derek…slow down," she ordered as she grabbed his wrist. She was frowning slightly and he felt the weirdest urge to make the frown go away somehow. "What is this?"
"I think I'm about to get busy here," he shrugged.
"No, that's not it," she shook her head quickly and then sighed. "I can't fit."
"I…neither of you can fit," he whispered softly as his eyes moved over her stomach, her skin rippling with the baby's movements. "Neither of you…" He trailed off and turned to her chart, swallowing back against the panic that was rising in his throat. "Are you good to chill out for an hour?"
"Yeah, of course," Meredith nodded, even if her voice sounded a little different, sad almost. "Can I come say goodbye?"
"Oh…" he nodded as he looked over his shoulder at her. "Yeah, of course. I might be busy…but yeah."
"Okay."
"Okay," Derek echoed before turning to walk out of the room that was feeling a little too small. He hated this. He hated that all he could see was the blue and red lights. He hated that he had swallowed a bottle of painkillers one day and made his mom worry that he would do it again every single day. He hated that he couldn't let Meredith fit into his life in any kind of way that would probably help him. And really, more than anything, he hated that he was mad about any of it. This was his punishment. It was his punishment for being late, for being forgetful. Twenty years ago, he had destroyed more lives than he could even stand to think about and he deserved everything that had happened afterwards. He shouldn't be mad about it, he shouldn't be fighting the urge to punch a wall or maybe turn around and kiss Meredith. Right now, all he should be doing was walking away and trying to ignore the surge of pain he had refused to allow back into his life for the last eighteen years. He didn't have to face it again, he didn't have to acknowledge it. For years, he had found a barrier to it, and he couldn't just knock it down in the search of a kind of absolution he didn't deserve.
Life takes it's toll
You push and it pulls
You're losing control
Author's Note: When I first came up with the idea for this fic, I asked a couple people whether or not they thought Derek could ever attempt suicide. As those people answered with "I don't think so, I don't think he could hurt his parents like that", it hit me that I was asking a question that society sets up for us. We're taught that only the weak attempt suicide, or that there's something inherently bad or selfish about suicide. The fact is, anyone can get to that point in their lives. There is no one kind of person or character who could attempt suicide. In the end, it's the final symptom of a mental illness that has beaten up the person. And so, I ultimately went with my gut. Derek suffers from PTSD and survivor's guilt and the first couple of years of that would have been incredibly overwhelming. I do want to say, as a person who has also been there, if you are feeling this way, remind yourself that your depression is not telling you the truth, and that people do care. Reach out to those people, if you can. And if you know anyone who you think might be at that point, please reach out to them. And never, ever be afraid to talk about your mental health.