Daylight

by Marilynschild

Meredith Grey made one small mistake and now her entire life is turned upside down. She's unemployed, unemployable, and pregnant with a baby she isn't sure she wants. In an effort to figure out her messy life, she finds herself moving to upstate New York, where she meets a small town doctor named Derek Shepherd. Can their connection withstand all life has to throw at them?

12. The First Snow

Chapter 12- The First Snow

In the last week, his nightmares had started coming almost constantly. Whatever defenses he had against his own brain weren't enough at this time of the year, and no amount of routine could stop the almost constant replay in his brain. During the day, he tried to fight the flashbacks, and he was usually successful. Not always since the town had been decorated with fairy lights for the holidays, but he was usually able to bring himself back from the daze he would fall into if he heard honking or his cell phone rang. But there was nothing he could do at night except go through it until he woke up panting. Or screaming. The screaming had started the night before and he hated that his throat was feeling a little sore.

He was starting to hope for middle of the night house calls. It was fall, the weather was getting colder as they prepared for the first snow, and a bad virus was going around town. Parents had been calling him all week, at all hours, and he had actually enjoyed it. There was a possibility he was running on fumes but it was better than laying in bed all night, terrified to sleep. He was helping his community and that seemed like a good trade off, even if he had heard a few rumors about him working too hard. Though really, the town was used to this and they actually didn't seem to have much of a problem with how much he worked when they needed him. So every night, he just prayed that he would get a phone call or a text asking him to come.

But for the last two nights, his phone had been quiet and his throat was almost raw from screaming. Patty had made him tea all day in concern that he was getting sick, and he hated to think how bad he must look at this point. Every year, he swore it wouldn't be this bad. He figured sooner or later it would get easier and his brain would stop torturing him. But that wasn't happening and he didn't want to go back to sleep after the last nightmare. He could still feel the glass in his hand, could hear the beeping of an unbuckled seat belt, and he swore he could smell gasoline. None of it was real. He knew none of it was real. He was in Oakbrook Falls, it was two o'clock in the morning, and he was safe. That's what it all came down to. He was safe here.

He took a slow deep breath and then moved out of his bed, running his fingers through his hair. Twenty years. Tomorrow would be twenty years since the accident and his brain was just messing with him. The slight ache in his ribs and right leg was completely imaginary and happened every year. But it wasn't even that pain that made this as bad as it was. His chest hurt tonight, it was tight and he felt like he couldn't get a good breath in, but it was even more than that. It all felt so fresh tonight, like he was just waking up in the hospital, his parents crowding him with sadness written all over their faces, just before they told him what was happening. He didn't think he could ever forget that horrifying moment and he felt like if he slept, he would have that nightmare. He would hear what he had done, the pain he had caused.

So instead he was just going to try not to sleep. His mom had been right, he wasn't going to go to work tomorrow, and with any luck, he would be able to go out for a hike and just be alone for the day. It was usually what he did and judging from the peek he had taken at the appointment calendar, Patty had already figured as much. No sleep was his best approach, but he wasn't sure what to do after that. He could try to watch TV, but he would he would more than likely fall asleep in front of it. He could try to catch up on some reading but that seemed likely to knock him out too. There wasn't much he could do at two o'clock in the morning in Oakbrook Falls and before he knew it, he found himself in front of his desk, his shaking hand opening the drawer.

There were six pictures inside the drawer. Six pictures that would remind him of everything that had been destroyed that night and torturing himself seemed like something he should be doing on the twentieth anniversary. If he was ever going to atone for that night, he needed to be sure he actually remembered it. Not that he had ever really let himself forget it but today of all days…he shook his head as his fingers brushed over a couple of the pictures and then he quickly closed the drawer. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but he didn't know how to do it tonight when he was trying so hard to just not drown in the past. And if he was being honest with himself, he was getting tired of all of it. He was tired of the flashbacks and the moments of panic and while he knew he deserved it, he just wanted things to not hurt.

He had been craving normalcy more and more lately, and it made guilt spread through him like a wildfire. A month ago, he hadn't thought his life was all that abnormal. He knew he had his routines and his quirks, but they worked for him. He had thought he was happy and satisfied here in Oakbrook Falls, and he had been fine with working towards atonement for what had happened twenty years ago. But then at the worst possible time, an adorable pregnant journalist had fallen quite literally into his ordered life and now all his brain did was argue about whether or not to get to know her more. He wasn't even sure he wanted to date her, he just wanted to be able to explore whatever the hell was there without feeling guilty about it.

But it really was the worst possible time and he hated himself for even thinking about it, especially right now. He was exhausted, his whole body ached with it, and he shouldn't even be wishing for more. Twenty years ago, he had destroyed lives and he should be thinking about that right now. That was what mattered and he had no idea why he couldn't get his brain to realize that. He should have been looking at the pictures, reminding himself of what had been decimated that night. He deserved the nightmares that bordered on night terrors. But there was still the voice in his head, the one that had appeared during Meredith's last appointment that was getting louder by the day, insisting that it would be okay for him to not punish himself every day for the next forty years.

His breath was starting to come in short gasps and he shook his head as he walked back into his room to change from his pajamas into jeans and a heavy sweater. He could walk. It would be insane to go for a hike at this time of the night but he could at least go for a walk around the town and just try to clear his head. The house just felt too small and the pictures were too tempting when it came to self-flagellation. It would be so easy to lose himself in that tonight and his hands were shaking and his chest was tight and he just needed to get out. He grabbed his jacket and tied up his boots before walking out his front door, right into a classic Oakbrook Falls winter wonderland.

Apparently it had started snowing at some point, and now the town was covered as snowflakes fell in a thick blanket around him. He loved snow, he genuinely loved how the town looked when it was covered in snow, and now there was something soothing about the way it fell around him now. He could barely see ten feet in front of him which was the perfect distraction from the town's fairy light decorations that lit up the snowy night. If he let himself see the fairy lights, he would think about what his parents' backyard had probably looked like that night, when Alison had been so excited about their party. But thinking about that just led to a panic attack and he needed to clear his head.

He shoved his hands into the pocket of his jacket as he walked down the street, focusing on his feet crunching through the gathering snow. His breathing was coming easier now and the cold seemed to have worked its way into his brain enough that he didn't want to think about anything else. He had lived in Oakbrook Falls for eighteen years now, and it always surprised him how quiet it was at night. He had seen the town fall and then rise again, had seen it at its very worst, but his favorite part was at night, when the rest of the town was sleeping and he could just breathe. He usually saw it on his way home from a house call, but tonight seemed different somehow. It probably had something to do with where his mind was right now, but he was sure he had never felt more comfortable in any place than he did here.

Moving to Oakbrook Falls had been his last ditch effort to start a new chapter of his life. Sometimes he felt like he had actually burned the previous book that was his life and this had been the start of a new book entirely. He kind of figured he had done a good job with the writing of this book, even if too much of the past book had bled into his life here. But on most days, he was a successful town doctor who was well-respected and his life felt…well, he wasn't sure how it felt. He had thought this book was going well until…he took a deep breath and looked up, frowning slightly when he saw a figure on the other side of the street. It was too late and too cold for anyone to be out, but especially for a petite pregnant woman with blonde hair.

Of course she would be out and about right now. He wanted peace and quiet, he wanted to avoid everything having to do with his twisted brain right now, but she was here. He could avoid her, it was possible for him to keep walking in the snow, but the magnetic force that always seemed to exist somewhere between them was pulling him and he sighed heavily as he crossed the snow-covered street. "Meredith?" He called.

"Derek?" She turned in the snowflake blanket, her hand resting over her swollen stomach. She was bundled in a winter coat that was belted over the spot her baby was growing and he had the brief thought that she looked adorable in her purple winter hat.

"What are you doing out here?" Derek frowned as he gently grasped her elbow. "It's two in the morning and it's freezing out here."

"My calves are cramping and she kicks like crazy whenever I lay down," Meredith shrugged. "So I thought I'd take a walk and…I don't know…rock her to sleep or something?"

"Is it working?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I think she's starting to relax a bit," she rubbed her belly. "What about you? House call?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just…couldn't sleep."

"So you decided to take a walk in the middle of a snow storm?"

"It's just some snow," he shrugged as a snowflake hit her nose. "TV wasn't helping so…a walk sounded good."

"Do you mind if we keep walking?" She asked. "Now that she's heard your voice, she's back full force."

"I swear I'm not doing it on purpose," he laughed softly, glancing down at her belly. "You don't have to get so excited every time I'm around, Baby Girl Grey."

"I've tried to explain it to her but…" Meredith shrugged as she ran a gloved hand over her stomach. His own hand flexed slightly against her elbow and he tried to ignore the urge to feel the baby move again. It had been a thrill at his office last week, but he couldn't keep doing it. "Walking?"

"Definitely walking," Derek agreed, squeezing her elbow as they both started walking again on the snowy side walk. He was pretty sure her stomach had gotten bigger in the last week, at least it looked like it from the side. Right now, she just sounded and looked a little exhausted, which was probably normal for a woman who was twenty-five weeks pregnant.

"Why can't you sleep?" She asked, looking up at him. There were snowflakes in her blond waves, her green eyes were dark with concern, and he could feel his lungs expanding with the first real breath he had taken all day.

"Oh," he breathed. "It's not…I…tomorrow is the twentieth anniversary."

"Twentieth…" Meredith frowned and then she stopped in the middle of the side walk, her hand immediately reaching for his. "Of Alison's death?"

"Of the accident, yeah," he whispered, ducking his head down. If he looked at her, he would be able to breathe, or he would be tempted to kiss her, and he was sure doing that tonight would make him a worse person than he actually thought he was.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, squeezing his hand tightly.

"Thanks," he sighed, running his free hand through his hair. "I just don't sleep well."

"I think that makes sense," she nodded before turning to walk back down the street, their fingers still entwined. "I was actually just thinking…the town looks amazing at night."

"Doesn't it?" He agreed.

"I mean, the snow definitely adds a nice touch, but just how…sometimes quiet places can be creepy and you really don't get a lot of quiet in Manhattan but this…" she took a deep breath, a smile growing on her face.

"It's peaceful," he supplied.

"Exactly," she grinned up at him. "Maybe I should have started taking late night walks when I first got here. It might have helped with the whole clearing of the mind thing."

"I think the snow helps," he nodded, squeezing her hand slightly. "So you're trying to clear your mind on top of getting her to sleep?"

"I'm pretty much constantly trying to work through everything in my brain," she admitted, her free hand working over her belly soothingly. "She's just a reminder that I can't keep pretending I have things worked out when I don't."

"What do you need to work out?"

"Oh…I…" Meredith trailed off, chewing on her lip. The snow was getting heavier now and he was starting to get the feeling it was surrounding them as they walked. It felt like they were inside a snow globe and instead of feeling claustrophobic at that thought, it actually made Derek's hands finally stop shaking. "I slept with my boss."

"What?" Derek frowned.

"You asked last week why I'm not reporting," she pointed out. "Actually you said journaling. You said I'm a journalist and I'm not journaling anything which is…is that an actual verb? I think it's like…a new verb that therapists came up with to suggest to people to write down their crazy but…journalists don't do journaling or whatever."

"Meredith…" He squeezed her hand. "Rambling."

"Right. Sorry," she breathed as she shook her head. "I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. It's not…I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to say anything but it's two in the morning and you asked and my brain is full."

"Hey, take a deep breath," he whispered as he stopped in the sidewalk again and turned her so that she was facing him. "You're kind of freaking out and…take a deep breath."

"Sorry," she repeated, taking a slow deep breath before she glanced down at her belly. "I slept with my boss. Three times. It was three times and then a couple of other…the point is, I slept with my boss. Which was so incredibly stupid on so many levels. It was just…he's gorgeous in this…sophisticated bad boy kind of way? I had worked with him for years and had always thought he was…and then one day I got up the courage and we had sex in his office."

"Okay…" he said carefully and then felt a thought coming through the fog in his brain. "He's her dad."

"He's the sperm donor," she corrected as she laughed harshly. "He's…he doesn't want anything to do with her. He called her a bunch of DNA and offered me six hundred dollars for an abortion with his own private guy who he had on speed dial. So obviously I wasn't the first idiot to decide I should fuck him."

"Shit," Derek whispered, pulling on her hand slightly so that he could pull her into his arms for a tight hug. "He…did he fire you for getting pregnant? For deciding to keep her?"

"He has no idea that I decided to go through with it," she whispered into his neck, her breath hot against his skin as he ran his hand up and down her curving back. She stayed for a second in his arms, snow gathering on her purple cap, and then she pulled back. "And no, he didn't fire me because I got pregnant. He…officially, I was laid off, you know, part of cuts."

"What's the unofficial story?"

"He found out I had started looking elsewhere after our last…after we conceived her," she explained. "People starting calling him and…he got me blacklisted. There's not a magazine or newspaper outlet in the world that wants me right now. So after he had successfully blacklisted me, he decided he didn't want a disloyal person on his team."

"That's…" Derek trailed off as he shook his head.

"Diabolical?" Meredith offered. "It's just…pure evil. And my sister and best friend told me to go to HR but even he knows this wasn't some Me Too thing. I had sex with my boss three times because I really wanted to and then he found out I was looking. It's not…of course, neither of us could have predicted her."

"Is he going to help you?" He asked softly, reaching to gently brush some tears off her cheeks with the pad of his thumb.

"I haven't heard from him since that day," she answered as she leaned into his touch. "My whole life turned upside down and then I freaked out and moved here because I couldn't stand to be in Manhattan anymore. And my sister keeps asking me when I'm coming back because I need to find a new place and start a nursery and…I don't know if I want to go back. I don't think I want to go back. So I keep thinking I could just write a book or start something of my own that could pay me or something. But starting on my own…I'm about to have a newborn. I kind of have to provide for her."

"Hence the working things out," he nodded slowly as he pulled back from her and took a deep breath. He didn't know what to do. He had the urge to hug her, to pull her into his arms and promise that everything would be okay, but he couldn't do that. Tonight, especially, he could not give into the urge to comfort her. "I…can I ask a question?"

"You're stealing my line again," she smiled tightly and then nodded.

"Why did you decide to keep her?"

"Oh…" she breathed as both of her hands moved to her belly, almost cradling the soccer ball sized bump. "I don't…I'm thirty-eight? I vaguely knew I wanted kids but then she was there and…I'm thirty-eight and I didn't really have any good daddy prospects so I figured this might be my only shot."

"That makes sense," he nodded slowly.

"And now I love her," she grinned. "I feel her move and I just…I have this little person growing inside me and she's going to be a little person who is mine in a few months. I honestly can't imagine not having her now."

"Hmmm…" he breathed, looking down at her. Her cheeks were a rosy pink from the cold, there were snowflakes gathered on her eyelashes, and no matter what the part of Derek who reminded him that he needed to atone for what he had done said, he couldn't stop himself from moving his hand over one of hers that rested on her stomach. "Baby Girl Grey, you are really lucky to have such an amazing mom."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, her eyes sparkling as she squeezed his fingers. "I…will you be her pediatrician if I stay?"

"Happily," Derek assured her softly.

"Good," she breathed as her other hand moved to her lower back, which she arched slightly.

"Sore?" He frowned.

"A little."

"Do you want to head back home?" He asked, dropping her hand.

"No," she shook her head and then pointed at bench by the park. "Sitting for a few minutes might be good. Unless…I mean, if you want to be alone…"

"I…Meredith, I've been alone all night and all it's done is made my brain…being with you helps," he finished, reaching for her elbow to lead her through the snow towards the bench. He knew he had to stop using her like this, he knew it was wrong. She was pregnant and alone after being used by an asshole who had also ruined her professional life. The last thing she needed was to be used as some sort of emotional crutch by an asshole who ruined people's lives. But she did help, and if he was going to handle tomorrow at all, he needed to be able to breathe for at least a little bit longer. He reached down to brush snow off the bench and then watched her sit down slowly before loosening the belt of her jacket so that it fell open a little bit. "Are you good?"

"Really good," Meredith confirmed as she snuck her hand under her sweater. He sat down next to her, stretching his legs out in front of him as a soft breeze blew snowflakes sideways. She didn't shiver or turn away from it, she just sat there in a soft silence and he turned his attention from her to take in the park. It was covered in fairy lights and he waited for the sirens, for the flashing lights, and the sharp stench of fresh blood. But it didn't come and leaned his head back to feel the snowflakes against his skin.

He hadn't really felt comfortable with people since the accident. Everyone in his life reminded him of what had happened somehow, and he always felt like he was missing the vital part of a person that made them able to connect with other people. But right now he was sitting in silence with Meredith and it felt like some kind of new experience. He wasn't scared right now or panicky and he almost felt tired, but in the best of ways. His eyes opened again and he looked around the park before reaching for Meredith's hand. "I proposed to her on November 3, 1999."

"What?" Meredith turned to look at him.

"Alison," he whispered, swallowing hard. He didn't talk about it and he didn't think he could say everything, that he could even access the worst parts of what had happened that night. "I proposed to her at a party her best friend was throwing. We…her best friend had known I was going to do it and…Alison was wearing a pink dress with blue flowers. I have a picture of us at the party in my desk drawer."

"Okay," Meredith whispered as she turned on the bench to grasp his hand with both of hers.

"When we told our parents…my mom's really big into the holidays," he explained quietly. "She wanted to throw us an engagement party but she wanted to do it before the craziness of Thanksgiving and Christmas. So they all got really into planning it. My mom, her mom, my sisters…my fourteen year old sister, Sophie, she got really into it and demanded our backyard be decorated in fairy lights. Alison thought it would be pretty, something about candles…I don't know."

"Fairy lights," she whispered as she looked out at the park.

"I was an intern, neurosurgery," he told her as he closed his eyes. "The day of the engagement party…it was ten days later. Everyone had been running around like crazy that day but I had a shift. I had a shift and I scrubbed into a surgery that ran late." He took a deep breath, opening his eyes as he turned to look into Meredith's green-gold eyes. "When we…we were in the car when my brother called to ask if I had paid the bartender. I hadn't, and even worse, I realized I had forgotten my wallet at the hospital."

"Derek…breathe," she told him and he smiled sadly at her as he took a deep breath, fighting the flashback that was starting to come over him.

"When…the car…it was just going to be a u-turn," he whispered, sucking in a deep breath again, shaking his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't describe what he had seen that night, what he had woken up to in the wreckage. Meredith trusted him and she wanted to be around him, and selfishly, he wasn't ready to lose that. He didn't want her to know just how many lives he had ruined that night, or since. "I…I woke up in the hospital with a concussion, a broken wrist, and a couple of broken ribs."

"And Alison was…" she whispered.

"In a coma," he answered in a strained voice. "Subdural hematoma with a midline shift, a broken pelvis…there wasn't much of her that wasn't…the doctors were never hopeful but her parents…" There was nothing else he could say about Alison's parents. He couldn't detail what they had gone through, what kind of news they had gotten that day. Right now, all he could remember was Alison's dad refusing him entry into her ICU room, and he couldn't even blame him for it. "She died on December ninth."

"Derek, I'm so sorry," she whispered and suddenly her arms were around him, squeezing him tightly. The hug was forceful and powerful and he pulled her as close as he could, gripping her as he fought the flashbacks of the weeks and months afterwards. She kept them away, she kept him right here in Oakbrook Falls in 2019 instead of Manhattan in 1999. Sometimes he felt like a balloon that would float away, back through time and to that moment when his dad had gripped his hand and told him about Alison. Or back to the day of her funeral, when he had made his dad drive him to the cemetery so that he could at least see it from afar. But Meredith kept him here, far away from the sirens and blood.

"I…I don't know why I told you,' he whispered as he pulled back from her and rubbed his cheeks. "I blame the fairy lights."

"Do you tell most people?" She asked softly.

"No one here knows," he shook his head.

"Thank you for telling me," she murmured. "You…do you miss her?"

"Hmmm…" he shrugged, looking down at his boots. "I try…I can't remember what she sounded like or how she took her coffee. I still…I look at her picture and I know I still love her, in some way. But it's not enough."

"Not enough?" Meredith frowned.

"It's…" Derek shook his head, his chest tightening slightly. He didn't know how to explain to Meredith about atonement. He didn't know how to explain that letting Alison disappear slowly from his life had made it all so much worse, or even that he had been desperately trying to make her come alive in his mind again. It was too complicated and too big and it made his brain race at the mere idea of how she would react to it all.

"Hey," she whispered as she reached for his hand and squeezed tightly.

"Hey," he smiled back at her.

"Do you like hot cocoa?"

"What?" He laughed, the sound almost getting trapped in his throat as he wiped his eyes.

"It's cold," she pointed out, rubbing his hand. "It's cold and it's two thirty in the morning and you…I mean, there are fairy lights everywhere so I was just thinking that maybe…I mean, I have hot cocoa at my place."

"Oh…" he breathed. It was probably innocent and she was obviously cold and didn't need to be out here right now. It would be ridiculous for him to say no, especially when he was terrified to get back to his house and take out the photos, which would only lead to more nightmares and screaming. He took a deep breath and then nodded before he stood. "Hot cocoa sounds great."

"Good," she grinned as she held out her hand. "Help me up?"

"Of course," Derek nodded, grasping her hands to pull her up slowly. The second she was standing, her arms wrapped around him and she held on tightly, rubbing his back as he curved his body around her growing stomach and rested his hands on her back. He took a slow deep breath, letting the smell of flowers and snow fill his senses as every inch of his body seemed to relax. His hands moved lazily up her back until his fingers found her long blonde waves and he pulled gently at the strands as he breathed.

"Better?" She whispered.

"Hmmm…" he whispered as he pulled back from her. "Let's get you inside and warm. I think this is going to be more than a little bit of snow and you and Baby Girl Grey should be warm."

"I really need to choose a name," she laughed as he grabbed her hand and led her out of the park. "Baby Girl Grey is such a mouthful."

"Do you have any ideas?" He asked.

"I love Rory, Abigail, Ariana, and Hailey," she listed. "And I have a few more names on the maybe list that could become loves."

"What about a middle name?"

"Either Alexandra or Hillary," she answered, curling into his side as they walked, their hands squished between them. "After my sister or best friend."

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Well, if it's Hailey, you probably can't do Hillary. And if it's Abigail or Ariana, it can't be Alexandra."

"I know," she nodded. "Right now I'm leaning towards Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"That's pretty," he smiled down at her. "My sister, Emily, would always say the name and if the baby reacted a certain way, then she knew it was the right name."

"I don't know if I'll go that route," Meredith giggled softly. "But I may try each name out over the next couple of days and see which one sounds right."

"I think that sounds reasonable," Derek murmured as they walked together towards her house. He wasn't going to think about what was happening tonight. He knew what he should be doing, he knew what he would be doing tomorrow, but he was so tired of thinking and hurting and being with Meredith just made sense right now. He could sit with her and drink hot cocoa and talk abut baby names and maybe just…be normal for a few hours. It sounded so tempting, so freeing, and he absolutely refused to let himself feel anything else.

"I'll start with Hailey," she grinned as she looked down at her stomach. "Hailey Alexandra Grey, it would be really nice of you to actually sleep like the app swears you do."

"How did that sound?" Derek laughed.

"I like it," she laughed and then looked up at him. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" He asked.

"I…if you want to talk about it or…"

"No," he shook his head. "I just…I don't want to talk about it right now. You…you know about it and that's fine but I can't…I just want to not feel like I'm drowning."

"Drowning," Meredith echoed.

"It's how I've felt every day since," he explained softly. "And then you come along and…at least for a few hours, give me a break and let me come up for air."

"But…" she started and then squeezed his hand tightly. "I'm glad."

"But?" He asked.

"Nothing…it's…" she shook her head. "We're going to drink hot cocoa and warm up."

"Okay," he whispered. He had a feeling he knew what the but had been about but he couldn't think about it. He didn't want to use her, didn't want her to feel used, but his brain and body were exhausted at this point. He pulled at her hand slightly and then dropped it as he wrapped his arm around her. She had to be tired and she was definitely sore, but she didn't pause as they walked up to her house. "How's our poltergeist?"

"We definitely got rid of him," she laughed softly, kicking off her boots and then taking off her jacket. Her heater had to be on full blast and he took off his own jacket as she walked down the hallway towards her kitchen and he quickly followed her.

"I'm glad we did," he nodded. "Do you need any help?"

"I'm good, Derek," she giggled as she got milk out of her fridge. For the first time, he realized she was in fleece leggings and a fleece hoodie that she had unzipped to reveal a t-shirt that hugged her soccer ball stomach tightly. The purple cap was still on her head and he shook his head slightly as he sat on one of the barstools. He wasn't sure how a woman could be beautiful and adorable at once, but Meredith was and he was too tired to even try to censor his thoughts right now. "So besides hiking, what else makes you happy?"

"What?" He looked up at her.

"Besides hiking and being a surgeon, what else do you like to do?"

"I…fishing," he offered. "Camping. Anything in nature, really."

"Then Oakbrook Falls definitely makes sense for you," she grinned as she put two mugs of milk in the microwave. "Your turn."

"My turn?" He cocked his head to the side.

"To ask a question."

"Oh…I didn't realize we were doing the question game," he laughed, shaking his head. "I…guilty pleasure?"

"Property Brothers," she announced immediately.

"What are the property brothers?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"The Property Brothers are two brothers from Canada who help people find new houses that they completely remodel," she explained. "First of all, they're hot. Second, the people on any and all HGTV shows are so stupid and shouldn't be together and say the stupidest things. Seriously, every time someone complains about paint colors, I'm convinced a kitten dies."

"They do know they can just repaint, right?" He asked.

"Stupid people apparently don't realize that," she laughed, opening the microwave and pouring instant hot cocoa mix into the steaming mugs. "Come on."

"Come on?"

"We're going to the living room," she explained before handing him his mug. "I have the HGTV app on my Roku and I can literally watch these shows for hours."

"So we're going to watch it now?" He laughed, shaking his head as he followed her back towards her living room.

"It's the best distraction in the world," she stated as she grabbed a remote, turned on her TV and then slipped off her hoodie before falling back onto the couch against a pile of pillows. She shifted slightly and then seemed to relax against the pillows, one hand draped draped over her stomach as the other held her mug.

"Comfy?" He asked as he sat down next to her.

"Relatively speaking," she shrugged before smiling at him. "She's moving again because you're here and I'm sitting down."

"Sorry," he laughed softly, shaking his head before leaning over. "Hailey, give your Mom a break."

"That really does sound good," Meredith grinned, looking down at her belly.

"Happy to help," he smiled at her before turning his attention to the TV. Two guys who liked twins were on the TV and they were talking to a young family with two kids who wanted to move out of their parents' basement. Meredith was making little side comments and he kept waiting to go off into the world where there was broken glass and Alison's broken body. But it was just quiet and peaceful and comfortable.

"I didn't ask," she turned to him as she cradled her mug. "Do you have a guilty pleasure?"

"I…not really, no," he shook his head as he turned on the couch to face her. "I should probably get one but…not really."

"That's sad," she shook her head. "Everyone should have a guilty pleasure."

"Does Scotch count?" He asked.

"I don't think so," she giggled softly as she shifted against her pillows.

"Hey," he reached for her hand. "Back or Hailey?"

"Hailey," she answered, a smile growing on her lips. She lifted his hand and put it on her belly and he paused for a moment, holding his breath until he felt the baby's insistent wiggles. If he hadn't been warmed up from the walk in the snow already, he would be now. It was a warmth the started deep inside him and spread almost immediately. His fingers twitched and before he even registered his moments, he bent down closer to her stomach, smiling at the quick punch from Baby Girl Grey.

"Hey, Hailey," he said softly. "You might know me as Dr. Shepherd. Or Derek. Your mom has called me both and she says you move when I'm around. So, as your mom's doctor and your future doctor, I think we need to have a talk about this. I'm flattered that you want to say hi whenever I'm here but…maybe give your mom a break, okay? Just…rest. It's really late and I'm pretty sure your mom is going to give you a bed time one day so…just go to sleep."

"Derek…" Meredith and he turned his head to look up at her. She was still wearing the purple cap, but her eyes were shining that amazing green-gold color and he felt his heart stop for a second. It was the only way he could realistically describe it and he took a deep breath as he sat up, his hand still resting on her stomach as his other reached up to slip the cap off her head. She looked adorable and beautiful and so unlike anyone he could have ever imagined. He ran his fingers through her hair and then slid them along her jawline before shifting to press his lips gently along hers. "Oh…"

Her sigh was breathy and encouraging and he pulled at her hair slightly before trailing his tongue along hers. It felt right and perfect and he felt like he had just jumped out of the deepest ocean, like he finally had enough breath in his lungs to actually function again. They pressed small kisses along each other's lips as they both moved, shifting their bodies along each other until Meredith was practically sitting on his lap. Her rounded body seemed to settle against his and he moved his hand away from her belly so that he could run his hands along her thighs, balancing her as their lips found each other again.

"Derek," she whispered, resting her forehead against his. "Hey."

"Hey," he smiled, running his hand up and down her side.

"Stop for a second," she whispered as she closed her eyes and then opened them again. They were soft and dark and he reached his hands up to cup her cheeks. "I want this. I really, really, really want this."

"I know," he murmured.

"But tomorrow is the anniversary," she murmured, her own hands moving to his cheeks. "And I don't want to be…I don't want you to run out of here, regretting something or never wanting to talk to me again or…"

"Meredith," he sighed.

"No, I know, I'm beautiful and I make you forget and I make it easy for you to breathe," she said quickly, taking one of his hands and placing it on her belly. "But I have Hailey and I really, really need to stop making mistakes with men if I'm going to be a mom. I need to…and I'm not saying you would be a mistake because…the point is, I really want this to happen and I don't know if you do or if you're trying to hide your pain in kissing the pregnant journalist who won't leave you alone."

"Mer…" he shook his head, shortening her name in a way that felt all too familiar.

"Tell me if we keep kissing, you won't freak out and everything will be okay," she ordered.

"I can't say that," he whispered, swallowing heavily as he spread his fingers over her belly. "I can't…I haven't…I don't know what I'm doing right now."

"Okay," she whispered as she nodded, kissed him lightly, and then climbed off his lap. "Do…you can stay the night if you want. You can stay here, on the couch, if you want and watch Property Brothers or…"

"Mer, you don't have to offer that," he shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," she insisted. "Please don't…don't think you did something to me because you didn't. The only reason I stopped kissing you is Hailey."

"Hmmm…" he glanced down at her stomach. "You have the best mommy ever, Hailey."

"I'm trying," Meredith smiled softly and Derek took a deep breath as he stood. "You really don't have to leave."

"Yes, I do," he smiled at her. "You and Hailey need sleep and I…it's the twentieth anniversary."

"It is," she nodded.

"I'll be hiking tomorrow," he explained as he reached for his jacket.

"In the snow?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Definitely in the snow," he nodded, zipping up his jacket and then turned to look at her. Her cheeks were pink, her hair was messy, and he took another deep breath. "Have a good night, Meredith."

"Thanks," she smiled, rubbing her stomach. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Call me if you…I mean, I can listen if you want," she offered quietly.

"Thanks, Mer," he breathed. "Get some rest."

"You, too," she whispered as she reached for a light purple blanket. Derek walked out of her house into the blanket of snow and took what would probably be his last breath for the next month. He wasn't sure what was happening in his brain, or why he would think it was okay to kiss Meredith tonight. Even if he weren't trying to make up for what he had done, he had just told her about his dead fiancee and that had to be fresh on her mind. He just…he didn't know how to describe what happened in his brain whenever he was around Meredith. He didn't know why he wanted to feel her baby move or why he had been so desperate to kiss her. All he knew was that with every step he took to go home, he felt like the water was rising over his head again. It would be so easy to turn around and go back to Meredith, but he needed to just go home. He didn't need to ruin her or Hailey's lives, too.

I need to know just how you feel,

To comfort you;

I need to find the key let me in,

Into your heart,

To find your soul.