Chapter 13- A Decision Made
She was not going to call him. No matter how much she wanted to call in to check on her doctor and the guy that she was obviously attracted to, she was not going to call or text or really do anything at all to be in his business or space or whatever. She desperately wanted to, there was no point in denying it, but it had been two days since she and Derek had met up in the middle of a snowy night, and she could not be the one to make the first move here. He was depressed and going through a lot, and she could not be the person who just decided to cut into that. She had found the missing puzzle piece and it was more devastating than she had ever imagined. Not only was his fiancee dead, but he had blamed himself for her death and the last twenty years of his life had been…she couldn't even imagine what they had been like. She had a million more questions but she couldn't be that person. She couldn't just call him up and go back to where they started.
Not that she really understood where they had started. She had no idea how the night had gone from him opening up to her about the death of his fiancee to them making out on her couch, but it had. Her brain had been going a mile a minute at that point, trying to sort through the information of Alison's injury and eventual death and then the sensations that had been rushing through her body as they kissed. And then her baby daughter had moved inside her and Meredith had felt an overwhelming urge to protect her little girl. They hadn't been in any kind of danger and it was clear that Derek cared about little Hailey Grey, but he was damaged enough to send out the kind of alarm bells that had made her make the horrible decision to climb off his lap and just…go to bed.
Derek didn't date. He didn't date and he was perpetually single and he was obviously still grieving Alison. None of that was exactly the recipe for any kind of successful relationship and if Meredith was going to be a good mom, that was what she had to be looking for. Her days of one night stands and short-lived affairs had to be over because her daughter deserved more than that. She wasn't sure she really wanted a relationship, but she did know that she couldn't do anything that could negatively affect her little girl. She had been wondering if she would be a good mom and apparently choosing her little girl over the incredibly sexy doctor who kissed like a devil or something. Old Meredith would have ridden that wave right into her bedroom, but this was new Meredith and she didn't want to be the girl Derek avoided his pain with.
The really shitty thing about this was that she was pretty sure she could actually really like Derek Shepherd. He was funny when he let himself be and he obviously cared about every single person in the town. He was kind and understanding and he could cook and there was just…this really long list of all the things she liked about him. Derek was the guy her parents had always wanted for her, and it killed her to know that it would probably never happen. She didn't completely understand why he was still grieving Alison so strongly, but questioning it was just wrong. He had loved her, he had wanted to marry her, and she had no right to ask him to move on. It had to be his choice and really, if he hadn't done it by now, there was no way she could ask him to. She didn't know a lot about grieving, but she knew it was about what Derek needed right now. And he had clearly needed his day to grieve.
So she wasn't going to call him to make sure he was doing okay. Chris had mentioned that Derek had already stopped by when she had gone to the coffee shop and she could only figure he had probably gone into work early. The town didn't operate very well when Derek wasn't readily available to them so she was sure it would be a crazy day for him. And really, she had bigger things to worry about than Derek Shepherd. The kiss had made her horny as hell but she was pregnant and close to her third trimester and that meant actually getting things ready for her baby girl. Nothing else took precedence right now. Her daughter was active and kicking all the time and really only seemed to calm when Meredith took walks, which she kind of loved, but going home to browse the internet for baby gear was probably much more productive.
If she was being honest with herself, she would have to admit that she was strongly considering staying in Oakbrook Falls. She could freelance from here if she wanted to, it was only a few hours drive to Manhattan, and it seemed like the kind of place a kid would love. She felt safe here, like big bad things couldn't happen, and she wanted to have that for her daughter. She had been doing her research and the schools were apparently amazing and there were things like summer camp and ice skating lessons and all kinds of things for Hailey to enjoy one day. She could see herself chasing after her little girl, running through the park before getting some hot cocoa at Chris's and then coming home to their tiny house. So right now, she was strongly considering emailing the owners and asking if they were willing to sell, and then she could start building a home for her new family.
Sometimes it really was overwhelming how much her life had changed in the last few months but she couldn't dwell on that craziness. It was time to brush herself off and move on and decide what she actually wanted. She had started toying with the idea of a collection of essays about this time in her life, about losing her dream job and getting pregnant and finding an unexpected new home, and while she wasn't sure she would definitely do it, she had started the first one and was considering sending it in under a pen name. She had no idea if it would work or if people would even want to read it, and it really seemed so small compared to what she had been working on, but it was all she could think of to do right now. Writing about all this change might make it easier and she needed a bit of easy.
She had no idea how she was going to be a single mom but she had to believe she could do it. It wouldn't be easy, she wasn't even going to pretend that, but getting all of these big feelings out onto the proverbial page might actually make it easier to breathe and face her future. If her daughter was already making her feel like she needed to be better, she could only imagine what it would be like once Hailey was actually here, in her arms, all new and red and tiny and defenseless. She ran her hand over her stomach at the thought, smiling at the feeling of her daughter gently moving inside her. It was better than the forceful kicks and punches and she rubbed her belly as she walked up the snowy sidewalk to the house that she hoped would be theirs soon.
"Oh my god, there you are!"
Meredith turned quickly at the sound of her sister's voice, wondering for a second if she was imagining it. Lexie was supposed to be in New York, working and having amazing sex with her boyfriend, but instead, her sister was here, standing on the side walk with Hillary. "What…what are you guys doing here?" She asked.
"We hadn't heard from you in a bit so we thought we'd come say hi," Hillary grinned, her eyes falling to her stomach. "Oh my god, Mer, she's gotten so big!"
"I…yeah, she has," Meredith smiled, glancing down at her belly and then back up at her sister and best friend. "Is this an ambush or a surprise?"
"Ambush is a really, really harsh word, Mer," Lexie insisted even as her cheeks turned bright red. "We just…wanted to see you and Baby Girl Grey."
"Hailey," Meredith corrected, her smile immediately growing. "Her name is Hailey."
"You…you named her?" Lexie gasped, her hand immediately going to her stomach. "Hi, Hailey, I'm your Aunt Lexie."
"It really is a beautiful name, Mer," Hillary grinned at her. "Hailey Grey. It fits."
"I tried a couple others but I kept coming back to Hailey," Meredith shrugged, which was partly true. She had told Derek her list of names and she had intended to try one a day, but after hearing how Hailey had rolled off his tongue, she had had a hard time really trying with the other names. Her daughter was Hailey, and no matter how hard she tried to think of anything else, she just kept coming back to it. It felt right somehow. She smiled down at her sister's hand on her stomach and then took a deep breath, trying to ignore the feeling that her sister and her best friend were ambushing her. "Do you guys want to come in?"
"It is kind of cold out here and we've been waiting," Lexie agreed. "Where were you anyway?"
"I went out for a cup of coffee and then walked around town for a bit," she explained before opening her door and kicking off her boots. "Hailey moves a lot and when I'm walking around, she chills out a bit." She took off her winter jacket as she spoke, her mind quickly trying to come up with some kind of plan for the ambush. She wanted to believe it wasn't happening, that they really did want to visit her, but people didn't just show up randomly if they weren't planning something. One of her hands crept to her back and she took a steady breath in before turning towards her living room.
"You look amazing, Mer," Hillary said from behind her. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore," Meredith admitted as she sat down on her couch. She shifted her body until her back was gently nestled in between her pillows and then rested her hand over her stomach as her daughter gave an experimental wiggle. "She's getting big and my back is definitely responding to that. But still pretty okay. We're both doing really well."
"You've been going to appointments now, right?" Lexie asked as she sat on the edge of the couch. "Because you're about to be in the third trimester, Mer, and a lot of things can happen."
"I've been going to my appointments," Meredith rolled her eyes. "We're doing great, Lex. That's not my personal opinion."
"But it's still the town doctor? I mean, you're not actually seeing someone who specializes in this?"
"This meaning my non-complicated pregnancy?" She raised an eyebrow. "Derek knows what he's doing. He literally does everything. He can go from cardiologist to neurologist to OBGYN to pediatrician in a heart beat."
"Okay, I get it, but I just think you should start talking to an obstetrician," Lexie shrugged and then jumped slightly when Hillary's hand rested on her arm. It was coming. They hadn't even been here for five minutes and Meredith could already feel the ambush coming and she didn't really feel like dealing with it right now.
"I think we should just be happy they're both doing really well, Lexie," Hillary said calmly, in that irritating voice she used for Ryder. "Do you have any more pictures of her, Mer?"
"I do," Meredith nodded. "But how about I show them to you after you guys actually tell me why you're here?" Lexie opened her mouth and she shook her head quickly. "Don't tell me you just wanted to say hi. It's not like you were in the neighborhood or whatever. You could have called and you didn't because you were afraid I'd tell you not to come or something."
"I just want to say in advance that I tried to talk her out of this,' Hillary said quickly.
"Oh my god, Hills!" Lexie gasped. "Support! You said you would support me!"
"I said I would come for moral support, but I didn't say who I was giving moral support to," Hillary shrugged. "Kev and I told you our concerns from the second you suggested this."
"Well, I don't know why you're okay with your pregnant best friend running off to live in the middle of nowhere," Lexie groaned. "But I'm definitely not okay with my pregnant sister disappearing off the face of the earth and shutting us all out of her life."
"I'm not shutting you guys out of my life," Meredith insisted. "I text you guys all the time."
"We had no idea you had named her," Lexie pointed out.
"That literally happened two days ago, Lexie," she shook her head. She wasn't going to snap or lose her temper, no matter how much she wanted to. It wouldn't help and whatever the point of all this was would probably be worse than her sister feeling neglected.
"That's not the point, Mer!" Her baby sister gasped. "We've done practically everything together and I really thought…I mean, I thought we'd at least get ready for her together. I figured since he's a total jackass that you would actually ask for help for once and instead you ran off to some town no one's ever heard of and barely call Mom and Dad and just…disappear from your whole life in New York."
"Are you seriously here because you feel left out of my pregnancy?" Meredith stared at her.
"I'm here because it's time for you to stop running and actually come home," Lexie groaned. "You're like six months pregnant and you can't have her in a one bedroom apartment, Mer. You need to come home and find a new apartment, go to an OB, and actually fight back against all the bullshit. You can't keep hiding here."
"I'm not hiding, first of all," Meredith pointed out as she rubbed her belly. "You can't hide when literally no one wants to see you, Lex. If I go back to New York right now and try to find a decent two bedroom apartment, no one will ever approve me because I have no income right now. And even though Scott told me a year, there's no guarantee that anyone will actually want to hire me in a few months, especially once they find out I'm a single mom to a newborn. So please don't tell me that I need to fight because you really don't know what I'm facing right now."
"Mer, that's not even the least of my worries right now."
"I know she's your niece and I'm your sister, Lex, but I don't need to be on your list of worries," she stated, feeling her daughter turn roughly inside her. Her cheeks felt flushed and she could feel her temper rising in a way she wasn't really all that familiar with. "I want you to be in our lives but I don't want you dictating what our lives are going to look like."
"I'm not…that makes me sound like…I mean, dictating is a bad sounding word, Mer," Lexie frowned. "I'm not trying to be like some bad guy in your life. I just think you can't…I mean, are you just going to stay here forever?"
"Maybe, yeah," she shrugged and Hillary gasped slightly. "I'm…I might just buy this house and stay here and freelance or something. I've been…I could paint the second bedroom and make it into her room and…I mean, Derek said he would be her pediatrician and the schools are amazing."
"You…Mer…" Hills took a deep breath. "I totally respect whatever you choose and I want you to make your own decisions because I seriously love you and I know this is huge. But are you sure you want to do this by yourself?"
"I'm not sure of anything yet, Hills," she admitted. "I just know that I really like it here and it feels like a really good place for a little girl to grow up."
"I don't doubt that, Kevin and I have been talking about moving out of the city so that Ryder can have more space," Hillary nodded. "But this isn't…you'll be four hours away."
"Which is totally crazy," Lexie shook her head. "I just want to be here for you and Hailey, Mer. And Mom does, too."
"I'm not saying you guys won't be," Meredith frowned. "All I'm saying is that I might want to stay here. I'm working on a collection of essays and I can freelance or…I can figure this out. I want to figure this out for her."
"Okay, I'm going to ask the question even though you're probably going to get mad at me," Hillary said carefully. "Does this have to do with your thing with the doctor?"
"Hillary!" Meredith gasped as Lexie's jaw dropped.
"What thing with the doctor?" Lexie asked, turning between the two of them. "Oh my god, Mer, please don't tell me you're sleeping with your doctor."
"I am not sleeping with him!" Meredith gasped, hoping her cheeks didn't turn bright red as she had a flashback of crawling into Derek's lap on this very couch.
"But you have a thing with him?" Lexie stared at her. "Mer…you can't…how…why did Hillary know about this and I didn't? How long has it been going on?"
"It hasn't been going on," she shook her head. "There's nothing…I find him attractive and he's funny and….we've kissed a couple times, that's it."
"Wait, you guys kissed?" Hillary cut in.
"Seriously, it's all been in the last couple of weeks," she shook her head. "We first kissed on Halloween and there's been a couple times since but…it's nothing. And it has nothing to do with me staying here, Hillary. I'm not going to turn my daughter's life upside down for a boy."
"Okay, stop," Lexie ordered, holding up her hand. "You're here in some small town that literally no one has ever heard of, six months pregnant and unemployed and you're making out with some small town doctor who is probably a hundred years old?"
"He's not a hundred years old," Meredith rolled her eyes. "He's in his forties."
"You're making out with him, Mer!"
"It happened three times and it probably won't happen again," she shook her head.
"You're six months pregnant!" Lexie pointed out. "You…okay…who is this guy? What do you know about him?"
"Lexie…" Meredith sighed heavily.
"Do not make me google him, Mer, because I totally will."
"Your brain focuses on really strange things," Meredith shook her head as she arched her back slightly. Hailey was starting to get rough again and she had the weirdest craving for chocolate and pineapple salsa, but she wasn't going to think about it right now. Or about the fact that she really wanted to see Derek as soon as possible, to feel the same comfort she felt whenever he touched her. "His name is Derek Shepherd."
"What?" Lexie breathed, her eyes going wide and her skin turning a really pale shade of white. "He's…his name is what?"
"Derek Shepherd," Meredith repeated. "He was training to be a neurosurgeon but then…some things happened and he moved here. That was twenty years ago."
"His fiancee died," Lexie whispered. "His fiancee died in a car crash."
"I…how did you know that?" She frowned.
"I…because Derek Shepherd is Mark's weird recluse brother I've never met," Lexie explained softly as she stared down at her hands. "I don't know all of the details, the Shepherds really have a hard time talking about it, but there was an accident and his fiancee died and Derek had this huge breakdown that led to him just picking up and moving. He and Mark were really close and now they barely see each other because Derek has completely shut himself off."
"I…hold on a second," Meredith shook her head because now her reporter brain was working overtime and she wasn't sure what she needed to ask first. "So you're dating Derek's brother? That…I mean, how can the world possibly be that small?"
"I don't know, Mer, but based on what Mark has said…he's really messed up."
"I think he has his moments," she said carefully because that protective streak she had felt a couple days ago when Derek had been kissing her was now surging through her, but not towards her daughter. "But he's…god, Lex, they really love him here. He's so popular and everyone loves him. And he loves them, too. He has his quirks and I know he's…but he hasn't completely shut himself off."
"He has from his family," Lexie pointed out.
"I…it doesn't matter," she insisted. "It doesn't…I'm not staying for Derek and I'm not…I'd really rather you didn't tell his brother about me or…it's honestly nothing. We've kissed and we always stop it and it's just…it's not a thing."
"Then why not just come home and spend the rest of your pregnancy with me?" Lexie offered.
"There is literally no way that is happening," Meredith stated firmly. "I promise I'll call more and maybe I'll have you and Susan come a couple weeks before the due date but I'm not…I want to stay here, I think."
"This just feels crazy, Mer."
"I'm six months pregnant with my ex-boss's baby and I'm blacklisted," Meredith pointed out as she rubbed her stomach slowly. "Crazy is kind of the name of the game right now and I just…I feel less crazy here. Things feel better here and I just want Hailey to come into a world where things are calm and happy."
"You're going to be an amazing mom, Mer," Hillary breathed, reaching forward to rest her hand on her stomach. "I was worried about how you were processing all of this but you are going to be such a great mom."
"I'm actually really excited," she smiled softly. "I mean, a month and a half ago I was definitely freaking out but since I got here and I saw her and then…she's moving and she responds to dogs barking and D-people talking and I just can't wait to meet her."
"That's a pretty normal feeling at this point," Hillary smiled softly. "They just become so real and the excitement is insane."
"I'm ready to start building a life for her," Meredith murmured before turning to her sister. "You're her aunt and you'll always be her aunt, Lex. But I really need you to understand that I need to build the kind of life for her that feels good for both of us. I need…she's my baby girl and I don't want her to grow up in some small shoebox apartment in Manhattan. I want her to have space and I want her to feel safe. And when I think about that life, all I can think about is doing it right here, in Oakbrook Falls."
"I get that, Mer, I really do," Lexie sighed. "I just…and I realize I can drive up to see you guys or you can drive down once she's older but…what's the plan now? Where will you give birth? Are you going to have any help?"
"I'll work on a plan," she promised. "I just really need my sister to support me, and to get our parents to support me because I know they think this is crazy, too."
"Oh, they definitely do," her sister agreed. "What about Thanksgiving?"
"What about it?"
"Are you going to fly out to Seattle with me?"
"I…" Meredith took a deep breath as she looked down at her belly. She hadn't been planning on it. She knew it was wrong but she really hadn't been planning to go to Seattle to see her family. It wasn't that she was afraid to face them, because she really wasn't, it was more that she wasn't ready. She liked the cocoon she had here, she loved that it was just her and Hailey and she didn't want the countless questions about who the dad was. Her plan had really been to just spend the day here, curled up on her couch and watching movies or something.
"A plane ride across the country might be really uncomfortable at that point, Lexie," Hillary pointed out as her hand moved over Meredith's stomach. "I mean, that's the third trimester and it's not exactly…fun. I know she can travel up to thirty-two weeks but the last place I wanted to be when I was that pregnant was on a plane."
"Oh…yeah, that makes sense," Lexie murmured.
"Tell Susan and Dad to come for Christmas," Meredith offered. "I'll drive to Manhattan and we can spend it at your apartment."
"God you're going to be huge by Christmas," Lexie giggled.
"Oh, thanks, Lex, that's exactly what every pregnant person wants to hear," she rolled her eyes. "And here I was about to tell you her middle name."
"She has a middle name?" Lexie immediately perked up. "You actually full on named her?"
"She has a full name," Meredith nodded as she cradled her bump, smiling at Hailey's gentle stretch. "Hailey Alexandra Grey."
"Hailey…she…that's my name," Lexie grinned as her eyes filled with tears. Hillary pulled her hand back from Meredith's stomach just as Lexie lunged towards her. "She…she has my name as her middle name?"
"She's definitely named after her Aunt Lexie," Meredith smiled softly.
"That's…wow…wow," Lexie breathed, leaning close to her belly. "Hi, Hailey, this is your Aunt Lexie. I am going to spoil you so much. Like your mom is going to hate me because you're going to have everything you want. Literally everything. If you want it, you come to me first."
"Lexie…" Meredith warned.
"Mer, I have to because she has my name and I'm assuming her godmother," her sister shrugged as she rubbed her belly and then grinned as Hailey kicked. "Hailey, you're so strong! Are you saying hi to me and agreeing that you have to be the most loved baby of all time?"
"I think she's going to be at this for awhile," Meredith giggled to Hillary over Lexie's baby talk to her stomach. "Are you guys staying or…"
"I kind of figured it would depend on how this all went," Hillary shrugged. "I really can't stay the night. Kevin's getting over something and Ryder is starting to sound a little congested so they obviously need me there."
"Kevin's okay?"
"He's good, Mer," Hillary assured her.
"Have you started thinking about her nursery yet?" Lexie asked. "Is there going to be a theme?"
"Oh," Meredith smiled widely. "I still have to get the approval from the owners to paint, or to buy really but…I was thinking mint green. And stars. I really want stars."
"I love that," Hillary grinned. "I saw in a magazine when I was pregnant with Ryder…mint green with blush furniture and I've always been in love with that idea."
"Blush furniture?" Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Like pink furniture?"
"It's a super pale pink, Mer," Lexie said quickly. "And I think it would be really, really cute. You would just paint her crib and changing table. Maybe some blush curtains or something. I think that sounds amazing."
"I…I'll think about the blush," Meredith gave in, shaking her head slightly. "I promise to let you guys know what I decide."
"You have to," Lexie insisted as she rubbed her stomach where Hailey was kicking. "Hailey, tell Mommy that you're still a princess and deserve some pink."
"Hailey, tell Aunt Lexie that you're not going to give into years old gender stereotypes," she teased her sister.
"Okay, that's just mean and uncalled for," Lexie frowned.
"Don't be weird," Meredith rolled her eyes, rubbing the side of her stomach slowly as Hailey stretched and then seemed to relax. "And now that you've gotten the intervention or whatever out of the way…what are you guys up to?"
"Nothing's really changed for us," Hillary laughed. "I run after my three year old and try to get him to be good by reminding him that Santa is coming while Kevin plans the most ridiculous gifts in the world for his son. And Lexie is madly in love with her hot plastic surgeon boyfriend and sexes him in between surgeries."
"He wants me to move in with him," Lexie announced as her cheeks turned pink. "I never thought…but god, he's amazing. He's smart and funny and I love his family so much. And I really think this might be it."
"Like…married it?" Meredith asked.
"I think so, yeah," Lexie admitted. "You have to meet him, Mer. He's so…god, he's so Mark and he's amazing and this is it. This is the whole happily ever after thing, I can feel it.'
"Wow, Lex."
"I'm just beyond happy," Lexie murmured as she smiled. "And work is so amazing, too. And my big sister is having an adorable baby girl."
"Two seconds ago you were ready to drag me out of Oakbrook Falls," Meredith rolled her eyes.
"Because I miss and love my big sister," Lexie grinned. "What was your plan for today?"
"I didn't really have a set plan. Probably just figuring out everything for Hailey, online shopping, and whatever else I needed to get done," Meredith shrugged.
"So you have some time for a bad movie on Netflix?"
"I'm not exactly doing anything, Lex," Meredith laughed as she stood from the couch. "I'm going to pee while you guys choose a movie. Hills, I have popcorn in the kitchen."
"Sounds great," Hillary nodded and Meredith turned to walk back towards her bathroom. She was staying in Oakbrook Falls. She had been pretty sure about it, but actually saying it out loud to her sister and best friend made it seem like the only option at this point. Hailey would come home to Oakbrook Falls and grow up here, and Meredith's whole life would change again here. And the weirdest thing was that she desperately wanted to tell Derek that she was staying. They had talked about it a little the other night, but now she was sure and she really wanted him to know. It was stupid, especially since she wasn't staying for him or their…whatever kind of friendship they had going. She just wanted to stay in Oakbrook Falls and she would feel that way even if she had never met Derek.
She wasn't going to think too much about what Lexie had said about Derek's breakdown and how he had shut him off from his entire family. Her reporter senses were trying to go into overdrive but she was determined to just leave it alone. She wasn't going to text him or call him or anything else. She had made a huge, life changing decision, and the next couple of months had to be about making that decision work so that her daughter came into a world that didn't feel messy. All she had to do was stop thinking about Derek. It really had to be that simple.
Starting over
Is a beautiful thing
You find out who you are through the pain