Chapter 14- Small Steps Towards Living

At this point, there was no pretending that Derek had been able to follow any sort of routine over the week. He had tried, every morning he had woken up with the intention of getting back on track, but it all just fell apart somewhere between getting coffee and lunch. It had led to him feeling on edge and almost breathless as he tried to kick himself to the surface. He wanted to blame the anniversary for this feeling, he wanted to think that he had been thrown by the thirteenth and what it meant for the next three weeks. And while he had spent the thirteenth hiking and thinking of Alison, his brain hadn't done a lot of focusing on her in the days afterwards. The guilt he felt about that was tremendous, but his sometimes-obsessive brain had focused on the tiny, pregnant blonde journalist he had opened up to on the snowy night before and would not think about anything else.

He hadn't told anyone in Oakbrook Falls about what had happened to him, and he had never thought he would. There were parts of the story he had held back and he knew that, but no one else knew about Alison and now Meredith did. She had listened to him, she had let him grieve Alison, and she had even stopped the incredible kiss that would have led to something he would have regretted. He hadn't known what telling someone about Alison would be like, but the fact was, he felt he could breathe a little better. It had been so long since he had said anything about her, since he had talked about the engagement or that night, and it had opened up a box of memories about his dead fiancee that had made the day of the thirteenth an incredibly hard day. But then his brain had started thinking of all the things he missed about having someone in his life, and now, no matter what he did, he couldn't bring his brain back to where it was supposed to be.

His routines were supposed to keep him on track, they were supposed to make sure he didn't think of broken glass, flashing lights, or the blood spattered across his suit. The therapist the hospital had forced him to see had told him that routines would prevent the obsessive thoughts and the flashbacks, and they had worked, for the most part. It was only when he broke his routine that they really came back. But those weren't the obsessive thoughts he was having now. Now his brain was focused on the flowery smell that surrounded Meredith, the feel of her baby girl moving underneath his palm, the sound of Meredith's giggle, the taste of her desperate kiss, and the sight of her on his lap, her blonde waves falling around her rounded face as she told him they couldn't kiss. She had taken over every single one of his senses and his brain wasn't going to let her relinquish that control apparently.

It was too much. He had rules and those rules had worked for him for the last twenty years. He knew he wasn't necessarily happy, but he had figured that happiness was a fleeting thing, something he had had for a few years with Alison but that was gone now. In some ways, he at least had contentment in Oakbrook Falls. He had a great job and he loved his patients almost as much as he loved the small town that didn't let its growth change it. The fact that there wasn't a train or a Walmart there made him think it would always be the perfect small town that he had found eighteen years earlier. Contentment seemed like it had been enough and he was pretty sure it had been until now.

And then a pregnant journalist had fallen into his life and he couldn't get his brain to just accept that he was content. She had disrupted everything and he wasn't sure what to think about it. He should feel out of control, because that's what a disruption to his routine generally meant, and when he wasn't around her, that was how he felt. He had gone back to work but things had felt vaguely hazy and like he was moving in some kind of dream. When he wasn't working, he thought about Meredith and Alison in some kind of weird and vicious circle he couldn't stop. He wasn't going to compare them, he couldn't, but he found himself wondering what Alison would think of her, which was insane. There was nothing for Alison to think. He had sworn he wouldn't do this, that dedicating his life to anything but ever being in love again was the best way for him to make up for the destruction he had brought on her family.

But he couldn't help it. His brain was going rogue and all day on his hike the day before, he had wondered why Meredith hadn't reached out to him. Not that she had any reason to, they didn't exactly text, but he hadn't seen her around town and he was starting to wonder if she was just avoiding him. It had been a heavy night for her and maybe she had taken some time to think about it and had realized that he had been at fault that night and now she didn't want to talk to him. He wouldn't blame her if that was the case, but the idea of not seeing her again made him almost as panicky as taking the time to think about the weeks after the crash, when Alison's parents had actually thought there was a chance. It was all starting to be a huge jumbled mess in his head and he just wanted some calm.

Sundays were usually the day when he planned his week, when he read up on any conditions his patients were presenting with or caught up on medical journals. It was his day to really focus on what his town needed from him as their doctor, and to focus his own thoughts. It had been his routine for years and it had always worked. Saturday was his hiking or fishing day and then Sunday was the day he put his focus back on the town. But he couldn't sit still today and his brain was determined to focus on Meredith and he didn't know what to do. These routines were supposed to make it easier for him to live with his thoughts and that wasn't happening now. He felt restless and terrified and panicked and for the first time since November 13, 1999, it had nothing to do with a u-turn that had destroyed his life.

So he was walking. Or he had been walking. Fifteen minutes ago he had left his house with the intention of walking around the snow-covered town before going home and getting his Sunday routine back on track. He had walked through the park where he had been stopped by Explorer Ryan and heard all about the snow mountain adventure the little boy was planning before he had sat down on the bench he had sat on with Meredith and tried to replicate the feeling of peace and safety he had felt that night. But that hadn't happened and he had tried to walk some more before finding himself in front of Meredith's house, debating what the hell to do.

He couldn't keep doing this to her. She had stopped their kiss because she wanted what was right for her daughter and he admired that more than he could say. She had been so afraid to actually be a mom and now she was this amazing mother who worried about her unborn baby having steady people in her life. It was honestly why he felt so bad at this point; he couldn't keep coming to her looking for peace, safety, or just a few hours of easy breathing. It would be like using her and she deserved so much more than that. It sounded like her old boss had used her and then thrown her out the second she hadn't provided him with what he wanted, and Derek didn't want to be another asshole in her life. He had a dead fiancee he couldn't get over, he still struggled to even deal with the accident, and he didn't think he could drag her into it all.

He didn't know how to describe what he was feeling, besides maybe a sense of missing her. It had been days since he had seen her and his brain was screaming at him to ask her to go on a hike. Hikes weren't supposed to happen on Sundays, but neither were walks through town and he had already done that. He wasn't looking for peace right now, he just wanted to see her. Later, he could let himself sort through the guilt of thinking about another woman, but in this moment, he was just going to ask her if she wanted to go for a hike. The trails would still be slippery from the snow and he could keep an eye on her or help her if she needed it. And after a hike and probably listening to her giggle a few times, he could go home and figure out exactly how to keep his routine in the upcoming week.

Derek took a deep breath as he walked towards her front door, his heart pounding. If she didn't want to see him, then he would understand and that would be that. He had probably opened up too much with her and if she was bothered, then he would go back home and get his life back together, to what it had been before she had fallen in her shower and disrupted everything. He rang her doorbell and then held his breath, willing his hands to stop shaking. It would be okay. He was just going on his third hike that week but it had been a weird week. He was about to ring the doorbell again when the door opened and Derek felt an emotion he didn't think he remembered how to describe rush through him as Meredith appeared. She looked adorable in a pair of dark denim overalls that were unbuttoned at the sides and accentuated her belly and and her still thin legs over a purple tank top. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, some tendrils escaping around her face as she smiled at him. "Derek. Hey," she greeted him.

"Hey," he replied as his hands suddenly stopped shaking. He had seen her in the paper gowns at the clinic and her own over sized clothes here, but the tank top didn't cover much, including the way her breasts swelled against the fabric. He shouldn't be noticing it, and he knew that, but he couldn't help it. "I um…I wanted to know if you maybe wanted to go on a hike."

"A hike?" Meredith asked as both of her hands moved over her stomach. It probably meant the baby was moving and it took all Derek had not to reach out to feel.

"If you're not busy," he shook his head quickly. "I just thought…you don't have to."

"A hike actually sounds amazing," she smiled. "But I am busy today. I need to paint her room."

"You…you what?" Derek frowned. "Meredith, you…I thought we discussed the no painting rule."

"I know we did," she sighed, her brow furrowed and her green eyes dark. "But I wanted to get this done before the third trimester and that's...I mean, my second trimester finishes a week from today and I don't exactly have someone who can do this."

"You have a whole town that would be more than willing to help," he shook his head. "You can't be around paint fumes and you on a ladder right now..." He took a deep breath in to fight the surge of panic that came from deep inside him and then looked at her. "Can I come in?"

"You...I thought you were going on a hike," she asked.

"I was only going to go if you wanted to go," he admitted softly. His fingers moved through his hair and he looked down at her stomach before back up at her dark green eyes. "Let me help, Mer."

"You really want to help?" Meredith asked as she stepped aside and opened the door wider to let him in. "Because you don't have to, Derek."

"I really do," he promised. "As your doctor, the thought of you on a ladder right now is giving me a panic attack. As a friend…it's okay to ask for help."

"Do you know a lot about painting?" She asked as he walked into her house. "I don't know anything and I've been doing some googling but…yeah, it will require me on a ladder."

"When I was a teenager I did a lot of odd jobs around my neighborhood, including painting," he laughed softly. Her back seemed more curved today, but there was a chance that it just seemed that way because her purple tank top was riding up on her stomach, leaving a wide swath of skin visible. He had no idea why she was dressed like it was summer, except that the house was boiling. "Meredith?

"Yeah?"

"Is the heater broken?" He asked.

"No," she shook her head and then rolled her eyes, her cheeks pink. "When I dress in sweaters, I melt, so I turned down the heater and I was freezing. But the more sweaters I put on, the more I melted and I couldn't find a happy medium so now…well, if I dress like this and keep the heater going, then I'm actually comfortable. And I know it must suck for anyone who comes in so…sorry."

"It's okay, Mer," he assured her as he took off his jacket and then slipped off his sweater until he was in his undershirt and jeans. "Pregnancy comfort is the priority."

"Thanks," she smiled at him. There was something in her eyes that he couldn't place and he had a feeling it would drive him crazy. It was an odd mix of the pitying, worried look he had gotten used to back home after the accident and something else, something softer. And confused. She looked slightly confused.

"So what color is Baby Girl Grey's room going to be?" He asked her.

"Hailey," she corrected, her hand moving along the denim of her overalls to cradle the underside of her growing stomach. "She's officially Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"The other names didn't stick?"

'I don't think they stood a chance after…" she trailed off, shaking her head slightly. "And Hailey's room is going to be mint green. With stars. I have this whole starry theme stuck in my head."

"That sounds amazing," he nodded eagerly. "The glow in the dark stars or just some stenciling?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out," she explained. "Maybe both? I don't know. I ordered some star bedding."

"Well, I can at least help with the paint," Derek murmured, glancing down at her just as her stomach seemed to shift shapes and bulged slightly on the right side, pushing against the denim of her overalls. "Is she trying to say hi again?"

"What?" Meredith frowned and then looked down at her stomach. "God, that's so weird that you can see that. She…she's liked my right side a lot lately. She kind of curls up over there and then my belly is all weird and all the kicking is there. She was napping, I think, but now you're here and we know how that goes."

"Can I…" he asked softly and then put his hand gently over the spot that was rippling with Hailey's movements. The denim scratched against his palm, but his fingers rested against the tight, soft skin of the side of Meredith's stomach and he felt a strange shift somewhere deep inside him. He didn't know what it was or even how to describe it, but he felt it in a way that made him a little breathless. Meredith shifted slightly and he brushed his fingers against her skin before letting out a breath. "Hi, Hailey, it's Derek again. I'm going to paint your room today."

"Derek…" Meredith sighed as she moved her hand over his. Her long fingers tightened over his wrist and she took a slow deep breath. "Are you okay?"

"What?" He looked up into her eyes.

"Are you okay?" She repeated, her thumb brushing over his wrist. "You came to ask me to go on a hike and now you're here to paint my daughter's room and you're talking to her and…I mean, it was the twentieth anniversary just a few days ago."

"Meredith…" Derek sighed as he glanced down at her shifting stomach. He didn't know how to explain this to her, especially when he wasn't even sure what it was. None of this made sense today, absolutely nothing had made sense to him all week, but standing here with Meredith and her wiggling baby girl somehow did. Every time he was here, in the moment, he didn't feel confused or scared or guilty. And while he had heard her when she had insisted he couldn't use her for those things and that Hailey would need stability in her life, he wasn't sure that he couldn't be stable. He had been thinking of them both all week and now he was here and he was speechless. "I don't know."

"Derek," Meredith shook her head and took a step back, her hand releasing his wrist.

"No, no," he insisted soothingly, taking a step forward and resting his hand on her curved lower back. He pushed her closer to him again and he took a deep breath, trying to sort through his racing thoughts. "I know you have Hailey to think about and I don't want to hurt either of you. I have…it's been twenty years. It's been twenty years since I kissed another woman or had sex or even thought about being attracted to someone other than Alison. I don't hide my pain by kissing women every year and I don't know why…you make it easier to breathe and I don't know why. You make me want to kiss you and I don't know why. I missed you the last couple of days and I don't know why. It's…you confuse me too. You confuse me and I'm trying to figure this all out because today wasn't about trying to breathe. I just wanted to see you."

"I have Hailey to worry about," she pointed out in a whisper that made his chest tighten. "I told you the other night…I'd kiss you all day if it weren't for her."

"Hailey deserves to fit somewhere," Derek murmured, resting his fingers against her stomach again before looking into her eyes. "So do you, Meredith. I said neither of you could fit and I…God, this isn't easy for me. I don't know what to feel or why I feel this right now. A lot of people have been hurt by me and the last thing I want to do is to hurt you or Hailey. I don't know how or if it will…I just know I want to be here. Right now."

"You're really not making this easy," she breathed as she looked up at him. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were glowing, and it took every ounce of strength he had not to kiss her.

"If you want me to stop…I'll stop," he whispered. He ran his hand up and down the curve of her spine, his fingers brushing over the skin that was exposed and he noted her slight shiver before dropping his hand. "I'll just paint her room because I really don't want you doing it, and then I'll go. You don't…you have Hailey and I'm not…you don't have to take pity on me or…"

"I'm not taking pity on you," she groaned. "This isn't pity, Derek. I just don't know how to…every time I see you, I want to kiss you. I want to do more than kiss you which is…well, it's not good. And I should be telling you no because there are…you have suitcases and I have suitcases but you have a big suitcase that you don't put down. And as Hailey's mom, I need to know that you can put it down or away or…this is a weird metaphor."

"I put it down today," he offered. "I don't know if…I just wanted to see you, Mer. There's nothing else in my brain right now and it's confusing the hell out of me but I put it down today. And I swear I won't pick it up again until I get home."

"And then you'll pick it up again and regret not carrying it when you were with me," she pointed out.

"I don't regret kissing you," he shook his head, fighting through his swirling brain. "I'm terrified, I feel guilty but I don't regret it. I don't regret…it confuses me. I don't…I've never had to work through the suitcases, Mer. I just…I don't regret you."

"Oh," she breathed.

"I…just think…" Derek shook his head as he dropped his hand from her stomach. "I know I'm not…how about I just paint Hailey's room?"

"Okay," Meredith nodded before turning to walk down the hall. He really wasn't sure what was going on and he hated this confusion. It should be easy to just…be her doctor and nothing else, just like it had been easy over the last twenty years. But he didn't know how to explain what he was feeling to her or how to be what she and Hailey needed and it was making his brain race in a completely new way. He wasn't thinking of atonement right now, he wasn't thinking of guilt or fault, he just wanted to know how to go forward.

"So…they're letting you paint?" He asked from behind her.

"What?" She asked as she looked over her shoulder.

"The Hendersons? They're letting you paint?"

"Oh," she paused in the hallway, just in front of a closed door and she smiled slightly. "I…they were going to let me paint anyway, they were okay with a nursery. But um…they had been talking about selling and I asked them if that was still on the table and they said absolutely so…"

"You're buying?" Derek felt a grin pull at his lips.

"Yeah," she confirmed, her own smile transforming into a wide grin. "There's a backyard and kids…I mean, Hailey will need a backyard. There definitely aren't any backyards in Manhattan so I just…I'm going to stay here. I might freelance or write a book or…I don't know what I'm going to do yet but we're staying here."

"Wow," he breathed. "I…so I guess that makes me Hailey's pediatrician?"

"Well, you're my only option in town, so I guess so," she giggled slightly and then opened the door. There was already tarp on the hard wood floor that covered the baseboards with some painter's tape but it was clear he had interrupted her just before she had decided to get out the ladder. There were a couple cans of mint green paint by the wall, along with a can of primer, and he grinned as Meredith looked around the room, a soft look coming over her features.

"You got a good start," he smiled at her, watching as her fingers trailed over her stomach.

"Thanks, I actually started last night," she stated as her other hand went to her back. "All that crawling around on all fours wasn't exactly great for my sore back."

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Well, I'll finish taping up and then I'll get started. Is the ladder in the shed?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "How can I help?"

"You're not going to," he shook his head. "No ladders and no fumes."

"Okay, is the fumes thing actually true?" She groaned. "Because it's my daughter's room, Derek."

"I know it is and you'll be able to decorate it once it's all painted," he nodded as he looked around the room. "But for now, you're going to go write or watch those brothers and I'll paint. Do you want the ceiling painted, too?"

"No, just the walls," she answered as she sighed. "Are you sure I can't help? I'll wear a mask."

"A mask is not enough for me, sorry," he shrugged before putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her. "Living room, kitchen…where ever you want to go that's far away from this room."

"I'm starting to understand why Chris gets annoyed with you," Meredith mumbled as she walked out of Hailey's nursery and Derek shook his head at her annoyance. It was cute, but he could protect her while making sure the nursery was painted for her. He knew she was feeling a little iffy about things, about the way he was acting and he did understand it. In no way was he someone who had the right to be in people's lives like this, but he couldn't help himself. He had no idea what he was even doing here right now. He had wanted to spend some time with her, just to see her again, but now she would be in another room while he painted her baby daughter's room. It was crazy and didn't make sense and it would be so much easier to just…find someone to do it for her and then go home to his routines.

But his routine was probably part of the suitcases metaphor and he wanted to believe that his suitcases weren't too much for this. He wasn't sure he wanted to be with Meredith like that, but he also knew that he desperately wanted to be around her. It was confusing for him and he knew it had to be confusing for her. He just didn't know what to do besides paint her daughter's room while she took it easy in the living room. It felt personal and a little big but he couldn't let his brain go there. He had promised Meredith he would put down the suitcases today and that's what he was going to do. He wasn't going to think about Alison or the accident or what his parents would probably think of him getting close to someone like this. None of it mattered when he was trying to just find a way through this sudden change in his life.

He never could have predicted her. As he grabbed the ladder out of the shed in the backyard and then started taping around Hailey's window, he was beyond aware that he never could have planned for this. It had been twenty years and there had never been a moment where he thought he could kiss someone or want to spend time with them. He had thought his hikes were lonely or that his house was missing someone. When he was back in New York, he was acutely aware of the fact that Alison was gone, but in Oakbrook Falls, he had been able to keep living without thinking something or someone was missing. So there had never been a reason to think that he might meet someone and that his forced celibacy would suddenly feel hard. But now Meredith was here and nothing made sense, which made her confused and made him feel like an asshole.

He climbed off the ladder to pour the primer and forced his mind to just focus on his task. He could carry the suitcases when he got home. There was something comforting about the suitcases and he wondered if Meredith might understand that. His routines, his rules, his day to day life…it was all comforting. And maybe he had gone too far with it but the person he had been before he had found the routines had almost destroyed his family and he didn't want to do that. He was tired of hurting the people he cared about and he didn't want to do that to Meredith and Hailey.

"You haven't had sex in twenty years," Meredith's voice came from behind him and he jumped slightly, nearly dropping the can of primer.

"Meredith!" He shook his head as he put the primer down and turned to look at her. She was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her stomach, and her brow was furrowed in the most adorable way. "Fumes."

"Fuck the fumes," she shook her head quickly. "You haven't had sex in twenty years. You said it and I was listening but it didn't…and now it has and…you haven't had sex with anyone since Alison? Since 1999?"

"I haven't," he confirmed, suddenly feeling unbearably warm.

"You…I mean…you can, right?" She asked, flailing one hand in the general direction of his crotch. "I mean, you get turned on? An erection?"

"Mer…" he sighed. "Yes."

"So what do you do when that happens? I mean, are you like…you don't take care of it and you let yourself suffer or do you take care of it and all you've been doing is masturbating for the last twenty years?"

"Meredith," he groaned, running his fingers through his hair. "I…does it…does it really matter or is that a curious journalist thing?"

"Okay, I realize it's inappropriate but you're forty-five years old," she pointed out. "And you haven't slept with anyone or kissed anyone since 1999. Until me, anyway. You've kissed me."

"I've kissed you," he confirmed as he looked down at the pan with the primer. "Can I get the primer on the walls and I'll talk to you while it's drying?"

"I just…do you take care of it or…"

"It's a mix of both, Mer," he admitted, ducking his head down as he felt a blush color his cheeks. "But seriously, can we…let me just get the primer on the walls."

"Okay," she breathed, her eyes moving over his body. "Okay."

"Go back to your brothers and I'll be there in a second," he nodded, hoping his voice didn't sound as strangled as it felt in his throat. She backed out of the room slowly and then turned to walk back down the hallway and Derek took a slow breath in and out. He didn't know what it was about Meredith that made him want to tell her things. He was notorious for being secretive and he really didn't understand why he kept telling her things that he didn't want people to know. A lot of this was his own choice, his own attempts to make up for the destruction he had brought down on a family twenty years ago, and he didn't want to tell her about all of that yet. He actually didn't want to talk about it at all and his fingers closed around the roller brush as he felt himself start to mentally pick up the suitcase. It was easier to carry it around, easier to fend off everything with it clutched in his hands.

None of this made any damned sense and it was getting annoying. Meredith was a beautiful woman, he wanted to kiss her and he was beyond attracted to her, and it all felt so big and new that he didn't know what to do with these feelings. He didn't know how to tell her about how he used to torture himself once the depression had faded enough that he had found himself getting erections again, or about the lonely nights masturbating in his shower when it just felt like a chore he had to get done. He didn't know how to tell her that his morning runs were a great way to work off pent up energy or how sometimes, things got so dark that he didn't get a hard on for a few days. None of that was easy to discuss but he knew he would have to at some point. He wanted her to trust that he could be someone in her life who wouldn't hurt her but she didn't have all the information yet and that made him an asshole. He was painting her daughter's nursery while holding back from her and he didn't think it made much sense to her, or even to him.

He was supposed to be in mourning for the next three weeks. He was supposed to be opening his desk drawer and looking at the pictures while promising to himself that he wasn't going to stop trying to make amends for what he had done. Alison had been his fiancee, he was supposed to have married her and started a family with her, and instead, she was dead and after twenty years, he was spending the three weeks between the anniversary of the crash and her death plotting ways to spend time with a woman he found to be absolutely gorgeous. It was all wrong and but felt right and that's what was driving him crazy.

Meredith would be living in Oakbrook Falls now, permanently. She would become a mommy in this town, she would raise her little girl in the parks and on the hiking trails. He could already picture a little girl with her mom's blonde waves and bright green eyes, running around and causing mischief and he didn't think he could just walk away from that. He could try to fight this and it would probably be the right thing to do, but he didn't know if he would be able to fight it for the rest of his life. There was something about Meredith Grey that he couldn't get out of his mind, no matter how much he wanted to. And he really, really needed to. He sucked in a deep breath and then went back to the walls, pushing the primer along the light blue walls as he tried to get his brain back in some kind of reasonable order. He couldn't freak out right now, not when he had promised her that the suitcases were at home, and he didn't want to go home to them yet. Right now, he wanted to try his hand at being normal for a little bit, and that meant he couldn't freak out anymore. The primer was done anyway and that meant he needed to go talk to her until it dried, just like he had promised.

He left the door ajar slightly and then walked back down the hallway to the living room, stopping for just a second to look at her. She was sitting on the couch, her feet up on the coffee table as she rested a bowl of popcorn on her belly. The brothers were on and she was watching them, but she looked slightly distracted, her fingers up and down the curve under her overalls in a motion that was almost hypnotic. "Primer's done," he announced as he walked towards the couch.

"Oh," she turned to look at him. "I…that was inappropriate."

"Mer…"

"No, it was inappropriate," she said quickly. "I don't…I don't have a right to barge into whatever you do for her, Derek. I just…it's wrong and I shouldn't have asked it and it's really none of my business. So please don't try to answer it because I won't let you."

"Okay," he nodded slowly before gesturing to the couch. "Can I sit?"

"Yeah, of course," she smiled and he sat down next to her, immediately surrounded by that flowery scent that always calmed him. They were both quiet for a few minutes, their eyes glued to the TV as Meredith's hand crept underneath her overalls to rest against her belly. The room felt unbelievably small but it wasn't in a claustrophobic way and Derek found his brain starting to slow down before he turned to look at her. She was absolutely gorgeous in every way, and he desperately wished he could reach out to gently tug one of the strands of hair that had fallen out of her messy ponytail. Intimate. This felt intimate and he let his hand fall to her forearm, squeezing gently as she turned to look at him.

"Are you going to get annoyed with me if I tell you that you're beautiful again?" He asked softly.

"Maybe a little,' she answered with a smile.

"Sorry," he breathed, rubbing her arm gently. "I…I don't know what I'm doing here, Mer. And I know you're sick of hearing that. But can you just give me time to figure it out?"

"I'm starting to run a little short on time," she pointed to her belly as it bulged on the right again.

"Do you turn into a pumpkin when she comes?" He raised an eyebrow as he moved his hand to the bulge and smiled at Hailey's gymnastics.

"I think I'm arguably turning into a pumpkin now," she giggled and his heart soared at the sound.

"You're not turning into a pumpkin," he laughed softly. He turned his hand over to run his knuckles up and down the skin of her belly, even as Hailey kicked and punched furiously. "My point is…you're not going to become less beautiful when she comes. And your giggle is not going to go away."

"My giggle?"

"It might be my most favorite sound in the world," he admitted quietly. "And I'm not trying to confuse your or get your hopes up or…that's not why I'm here."

"You're here to paint Hailey's room," she said breathlessly.

"I came here to see you," he whispered. "I meant that. I just wanted to spend time with you. All day on my hike yesterday, I wanted to spend time with you. It's not as simple as I wish it were and I know it's not as simple as you deserve. I don't know what it means yet and I'm not even sure I'm someone you should have in your life but…I just need time. I need time to understand this."

"I know you do," she squeezed his thigh as she watched his hand move along her stomach. "I don't know what I want with you, either. I just know I shouldn't be the woman who jumps her doctor. I didn't want to be attracted to you either."

"Hmmm…" he breathed. "Let's just take time, okay? Let's figure out what the hell is happening and then make a call that will be good for you and Hailey."

"Okay," she agreed quietly, her hand moving from his thigh to his hand on her belly and lacing her fingers with him. "Hailey…Hailey's number one priority."

"Of course she is," he smiled. "Which probably means I need to get back to your nursery, Hailey. Your mom wants it done soon and I think that's a good idea so you two can rest a lot before you come."

"Fourteen weeks sounds like a lifetime away but I know it will probably go by really fast," Meredith agreed.

"It definitely will," Derek nodded as he stood from the couch and turned back towards the hallway. He wasn't sure what he had been asking for or what she had agreed to, but he figured time was good. Time meant he could keep going on hikes with her or helping her with stuff for the baby while he tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Derek," Her voice came from behind him just as he felt her hand on his wrist. He turned and then was suddenly against the wall, her lips crashing against his. It took him a few seconds to register what was happening, for his brain to catch up to the feeling of a petite pregnant woman pinning him to the wall as her mouth ravaged his, but then he immediately let his hands fall to her disappearing waist as he pulled her tongue into his mouth. There were nipping teeth and harsh breaths as they both tried to figure out where they wanted their hands to be and who was exactly in charge of this kiss, and eventually Meredith won out with a hard tug of his hair.

It was frustration and horniness and curiosity that fueled them and Derek pressed his hand into her lower back, pushing her into him as his other hand crept into her ponytail and pulled and tangled her hair around his fingers. She tasted amazing and felt even better as she stood on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss, the denim and buckles of her overalls catching against his t-shirt as her hand snaked around to his ass and squeezed. His moan was almost immediate and completely uncontrolled as it turned into a growl, his mouth falling from hers to press soft kisses along her long neck, her soft pants filling his ears as he pulled her head back, giving him better access.

She tasted better than anything he could have ever imagined, her skin sweet and salty all at once as he gently bit the side of her neck. His knees were bent now, Meredith's legs were shaking and he let his other hand fall to her waist again to turn them both until his body covered hers and her back was supported by the wall. It gave them both a moment to pause, their chests rising and falling violently as he looked down at her, her green eyes wild and dark and her lips an incredible red. "God, you're gorgeous," he whispered harshly.

"I…I just…wanted to see…" she panted as her hand fell between them and he gasped when she cupped his erection through his jeans. "Inappropriate…sorry…"

"Meredith…" he moaned. His hand braced against the wall, just by her head as his hips rocked, pressing himself into her palm as she rubbed experimentally. The friction from his jeans was incredible and he closed his eyes tightly, panting into her mouth. "You…fuck…" His brain was swimming, his body was so far out of his control that he wasn't sure he'd ever get it back and he opened his eyes to see Meredith staring up at him, a question in her eyes. "I…"

"I'll stop," she whispered as her finger trailed the zipper of his fly. "I just…you said it was…and I got curious and you say things and I…time…you want time."

"Stop?" He asked as he tried to connect his rational mind with the part of his brain that was telling his hips to gyrate against her hand. It had been twenty years. Twenty years since anyone had touched him and he could barely breathe or think past the feeling of Meredith's fingers against the crotch of his jeans or how tight they suddenly felt. He bent his head down to kiss her again, nipping at her bottom lip as his other hand traveled along her side, over the purple tank top that barely contained her breasts and along the smooth skin just above the waistband of the overalls. He should be grabbing her hand, should be telling her to stop, but he didn't think he could. The suitcase he had sworn he didn't have with him was long forgotten and he rolled his hips along her as she gasped and then immediately fumbled with his fly.

He was in a cloud, everything was fuzzy, but he was hyperaware of her. That flowery scent seemed to wrap around him like a blizzard, making any of his other senses fail. See. He wanted to see her but he couldn't open his eyes as he pressed urgent kisses along her mouth and cheeks. His chest was tight but in a bizarrely pleasant way and he braced himself around her as she slipped her hand into his pants and wrapped her warm fingers around him. It was really all it took, one gentle pull and Derek felt his hips buck as he emptied into Meredith's hand. "Fuck…fuck…" he gasped, his eyes flying open to look into hers. "Fuck."

"Breathe," she whispered, kissing him gently as they stood in her hallway, his hips still rocking slightly. His hands were shaking as they slid along her sides. His body was curved over hers, leaving room for her belly, and he wasn't sure what to do or say next. He still wanted to see her, wanted to see every inch of her but his cheeks were red and he looked down at her hand creeping out of his jeans.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm not…sorry."

"Don't apologize," she assured him gently, trailing her free hand along his curls. "It's been…don't apologize."

"I…." He swallowed heavily, closing his eyes at the feeling of her fingers in his hair.

"I should apologize," she whispered. "I kind of jumped you just because I was curious and that was…probably not okay."

"No apologies," Derek ordered before pressing a kiss to her forehead. He smoothed his hand over her stomach and then looked down at her. "You're…Meredith…"

"Still no suitcase?" She asked quietly.

"No suitcase," he promised because he wasn't going to pick it up now. His brain was too fuzzy to do it and he still had to paint Hailey's nursery. And he wanted to look at Meredith, really look at her, but he wasn't sure how to ask. He didn't know how to do this anymore and he shivered as she squeezed his hand. "Meredith."

"It's okay," she breathed. "Are you okay?"

"Fuzzy," he laughed before taking a deep breath. "I…Hailey's nursery."

"Right, painting," she nodded, squeezing his hand again. His brain was starting to clear, his breathing was starting to come back to normal, and he pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before backing up from her, unpinning her from the wall. "Stay here a second. I'm going to grab a tissue to clean up."

"Okay," he nodded as she went through a doorway just a bit further down from the hallway. He leaned back against the wall, letting his forehead fall against it as he took another deep breath. He wasn't going to pick up the suitcase. His mind was clearer, he should be freaking out about what had just happened, but he wasn't going to pick it up until he got home. It had felt too good to panic about this, and while Alison's name was floating on the surface of his brain, while the image of her parents aged by loss as they informed him he wasn't to go to the cemetery was starting to hit him, he didn't want to do this now. He just wanted to paint Hailey's nursery and then, maybe, at least for a few hours, pretend to be someone who could be normal for Meredith and her baby.

It probably didn't say a lot about his routine for the next week that he was trying so hard not to have one today. He didn't know what the ramifications would be or if he would have nightmares or how his brain would choose to punish him, but for now, he just wanted to enjoy this feeling. He wanted to be the kind of man who Meredith deserved, the kind of man who could worship her and never hurt her. If he could just be that man for a few more hours, then maybe this would all start to make sense to him. He needed it to make sense, and he wasn't sure if it was because he wanted his old life back or if he was wanting something more, something that resembled moving forward.

Well, you have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won