Daylight

by Marilynschild

Meredith Grey made one small mistake and now her entire life is turned upside down. She's unemployed, unemployable, and pregnant with a baby she isn't sure she wants. In an effort to figure out her messy life, she finds herself moving to upstate New York, where she meets a small town doctor named Derek Shepherd. Can their connection withstand all life has to throw at them?

15. The Quiet and Confusion of My Heart

Chapter 15- The Quiet and Confusion of My Heart

It had been a really strange day that hadn't gone at all the way he had thought this weird Sunday would go. It had already been so off the mark of his routine that he hadn't thought it could go anywhere else. For the first time in eighteen years, he was breaking routines and one small break seemed to be leading to many small breaks and he wasn't sure how to feel about those breaks. He had spent his afternoon painting a nursery for a baby that wasn't his so that he could help a woman he was desperately attracted to. These little breaks seemed to be leading to a bigger break that he wasn't sure he was ready for. He had done his best all day not to carry the suitcase or to even think about it and he thought he had done pretty well. But now that he was standing in the middle of a freshly painted nursery, eyeing his work, he could feel the weight of the suitcase starting to weigh on him.

Because of the fumes, he had been firm about Meredith not being allowed in the nursery, and it meant he had had a whole afternoon to be alone with his thoughts. He had never been uncomfortable with his thoughts, which was probably how he had managed to stay sane over the last eighteen years, living on his own in Oakbrook Falls. His years of fishing and hiking with his dad had taught him to just be silent with his own brain, and he had been fine with not turning on music while he had painted. It had given him the opportunity to think about Meredith Grey, Hailey Grey, and the magnetic pull he felt. He hadn't changed the way he lived, but Meredith had somehow found her way into his walled off life and he didn't quite understand how or why. Over the years, he hadn't felt the lack of much. He missed Alison, he wondered what his life would have been like if she had lived, but he had never felt like his life was empty beyond that. And now Meredith and her unborn baby had crashed into his life, demanding a space to fit when he hadn't thought he had that.

He had worked hard to build the life he had now, and maybe even harder to put up the wall that was around it. No one had told him to build a wall or to keep people out, but it had felt easier than talking about the accident or what he had destroyed that night in November. He had a lot to atone for and the idea of someone trying to talk him out of that by getting into his life made him almost angry. Meredith seemed to understand that he was still grieving, that he owed Alison more than just some timed, linear line of grief, but he didn't want her to jump in and change it all. And that was what she had been doing since the second she had fallen in the shower and limped into his office.

From the outside, she wasn't taking a sledgehammer to his life and knocking down his walls. She was afraid of the wall, of the suitcase he had been carrying for twenty years, but it was like neither of them could help themselves when they were around each other. From the first weird spark of electricity that had moved him when he had met her to the kiss in the hallway just a few hours earlier, he couldn't help himself around her. It was a new feeling and almost felt like a sledgehammer in some ways. He didn't know why he had to be around her or why he felt some kind of intense connection with her unborn baby. He didn't know why being around Meredith was enough to make him forget the giant suitcase he had been carrying with him for twenty years. Even now, just standing in her daughter's nursery with mint green spattered on his t-shirt, he felt like the suitcase was at least a little smaller. It would probably blow up in his face tonight at his own place, but right now, he didn't feel like he was struggling to breathe.

It was all so complicated right now and he didn't completely understand it. He had spent the last few hours really trying to pick apart what was happening but all that he came back to was that he hadn't needed this. He had thought the walls were strong enough to withstand this, but they apparently weren't, and now he was constantly going back and forth between spending time with Meredith and staying at home, fortifying what he had tried to build. At this point, he didn't know what would be best for him, and he didn't know how he would find the answer. He just knew he couldn't keep doing this without the answer.

He arched his back and then turned to walk out of the nursery, rolling his sore shoulders a bit. He probably needed to go home and really take some time to think about Alison and that horrific night. Meredith made it hard for him to focus on that and a part of him almost missed the flashes of lights that sometimes accompanied his panic. Tomorrow, he could start his week off right and he would do his best not to be sidetracked by Meredith and Hailey, but things were starting to feel a little out of his control, which was absolutely terrifying. The therapist had been firm that finding control again would help him, and he didn't want to slide back to where he had been before he had found Oakbrook Falls. "Meredith?" He called as he walked down the hallway where she had kissed him, where she had brought him to orgasm with just a slight touch. It had been far too long since a woman had touched him and just her soft, gentle touch had been enough to make at least a corner of the wall come crashing down.

"Kitchen!" She called back and he immediately turned towards her voice. He needed to ignore the suitcase for a little bit longer, which was usually pretty easy around her. She was fundamentally calming and that was one of the first things he had noticed about her, even before he had felt the sexual pull. He took another deep breath and then let it out slowly before walking into the kitchen, pausing when he saw her at the stove. Her blonde waves were piled up high on the top of her head, exposing her thin neck, and he took a small step forward. She was stirring something on the stove, but his eyes immediately went to the way her free hand rested on her curved lower back, her fingers rubbing slightly against the denim of her overalls.

"Hailey's nursery is all painted," he announced.

"Oh good," she grinned at him, turning slowly from the stove. Her cheeks were an adorable pink and he couldn't help but return the smile. "How does it look?"

"Well, I think it looks good enough for a princess but I think you're the one who can make the final call," Derek explained, peeking into the pot to see macaroni and cheese.

"Do I have to wait for it to dry?"

"You can take a minute or two to poke your head in," he laughed, watching as she put the spoon down and then lifted the pot off the burner. Her belly looked even bigger somehow and he frowned slightly as her now free hand moved to join the other on her back, rubbing it slowly. "Are you sore?"

"I always am at the end of the day," she shrugged. "And she's in a weird position right now."

"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly.

"Don't get the doctor look on your face," Meredith shook her head as she looked up at him. "You're not here as my doctor, and even if you are, you know backache is normal for someone who is so close to their third trimester."

"This is not my doctor look," he denied quickly. "I just...as...Derek, I can worry."

"Well, it's very hard to take Derek seriously when he has mint green paint in his hair," she giggled as she reached up to pick at his curls.

"Not a good look for me?"

"Not your color," she shrugged and then her hand dropped as her eyes turned a little dark. "I...the hallway..."

"Don't," he shook his hand. "Not again."

"I just...I don't want..."

"Meredith, please," he whispered, leaning close to her even as he felt the suit case start to weigh in his hand. "It was...I don't get it and I don't know what to think but please don't apologize. It was good."

"Good?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Great," he corrected as he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kiss the tip of her nose. She was adorable and worried about him and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to lean down and press his lips lightly against her nose. It immediately wrinkled and he laughed as he ran his hand along her cheek. "It was great."

"Okay," she breathed, arching her back. "Let's see Hailey's nursery."

"I agree," he nodded. "And then you can get into bed and I'll bring your Mac and cheese to you there and you don't have to get up again."

"I'm fine," she rolled her eyes before brushing past him. His eyes immediately fell to her back and the way her gait seemed to shift and change as she walked down the hallway. It wasn't a full blown waddle, but it was definitely a change and he took a deep breath to walk closely behind her. He needed to go home, needed to take a deep deep breath, and try to figure out what to do with the suitcase and his cracked walls. But he wanted to make sure she was comfortable and happy before he went and tried to patch up the cracks. Tomorrow was a new week and he could do a lot of work on his wall, if he wanted to. Which he absolutely did, he couldn't make it an if situation. He had to work on his wall and try to figure out if it could still hold him and his suitcase. And maybe he needed to stop using Meredith's own metaphor for what was happening with him.

"Remember, just a peek today," he reminded her. "I left the window open slightly so it can be aired out. It will be cold in there so in the morning, go in dressed a little warmer. And give it a couple days before the smell goes away. I don't want you getting lightheaded or sick."

"I'll be fine, Derek," she laughed softly as she reached to open the door of her daughter's future nursery. He thought the mint green would be perfect for the little girl, and he could already imagine Meredith sitting in a rocking chair with a tiny baby, rocking her to sleep in the peace and quiet of Oakbrook Falls. "Oh wow."

"Is that a good wow?" Derek asked, coming to stand behind her. His hand immediately moved to her lower back, just under her own hands and he started to rub slowly, working at the tense muscles as she looked around the room.

"It's…god, that feels amazing," she breathed. Her eyes slid shut and he put a little more pressure at the base of her spine, massaging against the denim of her overalls. Her breath hitched as her body began to relax and he let her rest into his side. "Derek…"

"How's Hailey's nursery?" He asked softly. "Good enough for a princess?"

"It's beautiful," Meredith nodded as she opened her eyes. "Thank you. Seriously."

"You're welcome," he whispered, pressing his thumb along her spine.

"If you keep doing this, I'm not going to let you leave," she warned as she rubbed her stomach.

"I have to leave," Derek admitted softly. He moved his free hand to her belly, smiling at the feeling of Hailey making the front of Meredith's stomach bulge with her movements. "And I wasn't kidding about getting you into bed with your dinner before I leave."

"I really am fine, Derek," she insisted. "This is normal for me at this point and it's probably just going to get worse. She's getting bigger and I'm getting bigger and…it's okay."

"Great, it's normal," he agreed before shifting to reach for the door handle. "But I'm here. So let's let this paint dry and figure out how to make you more comfortable."

"You're not going to let me say no, are you?"

"Definitely not," he shook his head.

"Fine," Meredith groaned. She turned and waddled slightly back down the hallway before opening a door just down the hall from Hailey's nursery. The bed was unmade, the sheets tangled at the end of the bed where her laptop also rested. He almost felt like he was intruding, but he wanted her to get comfortable and he knew that meant he needed to help her. She reached across the bed for her pajamas and Derek bent down to pick up a few pillows that were on the floor. His sisters always wanted a million pillows when they were pregnant, and that seemed like the right idea now.

"Do you need any help?" He asked quietly, piling the pillows onto her bed. Her hands seemed to pause on the buckles of her overalls, almost like she had forgotten he was there. He needed to turn and walk away, but a part of him did wonder what she looked like underneath her clothes. The paper gowns at the hospital didn't exactly hide everything, but he wondered what it would be like to run his hands along her changing body. The thought alone made him feel panic rise in him, but he didn't want to give into it. He stared at the pale green sheets on the bed and then jumped when his phone rang in his pocket. "Sorry," he whispered as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, Chris's daughter's name coming across the screen. "I have to take this, I'll be right back."

"Okay," she nodded, her hands cradling her belly.

"I'll grab you dinner, get comfy," he ordered before slipping out of her room and answering the call. "Tegan?"

"Derek, hi," Chris's daughter replied. It had been a while since he had heard her voice shake, and he hated hearing it now. "I…are you…Dad's chest hurts and he's feeling short of breath. He says he just has a chest cold but it could be his pacemaker, right? This could be some kind of damage being done?"

"It could be," he said carefully. "The last time I checked his pacemaker everything was running perfectly but things can happen. Does his chest feel tight or is it more just that it's a little sore?"

"He just rubs it occasionally after he coughs," Tegan reported. "He swears it's a cold and maybe I'm overreacting but we lost Mommy a year ago and I just…I want to be sure he's okay. And you can call in Medevac if you need to like you did when he had his heart attack."

"I can but don't get ahead of yourself, Tegan," he soothed as he walked into Meredith's kitchen. He could at least bring her food before running over to Chris's. "Your dad is healthy and I'm saying that as his doctor. I'll be there as fast as I can, okay?"

"Okay," she breathed.

"Go sit with him and I'll be there soon," Derek ordered. "And don't tell him I'm coming or he'll be stubborn and get that attitude he gets whenever he doesn't want me around."

"Okay," Tegan repeated. "Thanks, Derek."

"There's never a reason to thank me, Tegan," he assured her before ending the call. Chris was probably fine and there was very little reason to panic. The old man was stubborn and refused to get a flu shot no matter how much Derek tried to pressure him into it. But Tegan was worried and that was more than enough reason for him to get over there as possible. It meant he wouldn't be able to get Meredith comfortable, but it at least seemed like a good idea to get her dinner to her with the offer to come back if she needed him. She probably wouldn't but the offer would be on the table and really, he was pretty sure he could rationalize it as a house call. She was technically his patient, and he wasn't going to think about the fact she was the only one of his patients he desperately wanted to kiss. "Mer?" He called before knocking on her door.

"You can come in," she called back and he opened the door to see her already in bed, resting back against the mountain of pillows he had been building before his phone had rang. Her tank top still didn't fit, but she looked more comfortable in the black yoga pants as she sat cross-legged, both of her hands resting on her naked belly. His eyes weren't sure if they wanted to be at her stomach or her breasts that were swelling out of the purple tank top and he swallowed as he walked forward, handing her a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

"I have to go," he murmured. "I just got an emergency house call."

"And here I was starting to think I was the only one who got house calls from Dr. Shepherd," she giggled.

"Trust me, you're not," he laughed, letting his fingers brush along her stomach as he sat down next to her. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine, Derek," she shook her head quickly. "You don't…I mean, I know you're my doctor and you're…but you don't have to worry."

"I know I don't," he sighed. He didn't know how to describe to her why he was here or even how he viewed her. They weren't friends; friends didn't make out in hall ways or jerk each other off. But he didn't know who she was to him or how he was supposed to just pretend that he didn't want to kiss her again. And worse, he could see the battle playing out in her eyes. She wanted to kiss him too, but she knew about the huge suitcase and while she didn't know about about what was in it, she knew enough to know kissing him probably wasn't the best idea. And he knew all of it which should have been enough reminder for him to walk away from a pregnant single mom who had been hurt.

"Hailey and I will be fine," she insisted as her long fingers trailed over the curve of her belly. "And she says thank you for painting her room today."

"You're very welcome, Hailey," Derek laughed softly, reaching out to rub her stomach. "If your mom tries to do anything on a ladder in your princess room, remind her to call me."

"Ignore him, baby girl," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Hmmm..." he stood up from her bed. "Try to relax. If you need anything, call me."

"I'll be fine," she stated as scooted underneath her blankets and then rested the bowl on top of the curve of her stomach. "Go help the person who actually needs help."

"I'm going," he nodded and then looked down at her. He couldn't do it. He wanted to kiss her, wanted to feel her body warm against his, but the suitcase was getting heavy and a part of him was wondering what would happen once he was home tonight. He had joked with her about turning into a pumpkin once Hailey came, but he felt like he was the one who was running out of time. He had taken one day to peek out from behind his cracked walls and once he was home, he was sure he could repair them and start his week out in the same way he had started it for eighteen years. His lungs expanded with the deep breath he took in and then he let out the sigh before leaning to press a soft kiss to the top of her head, taking in the flowery scent that surrounded him. "Take care of yourself."

"I will," she promised, though she didn't move a muscle as his hand moved along her neck and then to her stomach as Hailey kicked.

"You, too, Princess," he whispered and he rubbed the spot one more time before he turned and walked out of Meredith's room. He had no idea if that had been it, if that was the last thing he had done with his first day of freedom in twenty years, but it had to be enough. He pulled his sweater and jacket on and then walked out into the cold evening, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He just needed to grab his bag and then he could go see Chris, and try to clear his mind of all the thoughts racing right now. Thoughts about wanting Meredith, about needing her, and what exactly that meant for him, or what it couldn't mean.

With each snow-crunching step he took, he felt the suitcase starting to appear again. It started with the weight of it crushing his chest, making it harder to breathe, and then it started to overtake his brain: reminding him of why he couldn't want Meredith or what he had promised himself after he had come to Oakbrook Falls. He hated that the petite pregnant blonde had this kind of power over him and hated even more that he wanted to turn around and run back to her to hide the suitcase again. It had all the building blocks for the walls, and he didn't want it to be Meredith's responsibility to keep the wall from being rebuilt. She had enough going on and he didn't need to use her for this. But the fact she made the suitcase disappear for hours made it hard to tell why he wanted to be around her so much. The voice that had been apart of his life for years told him that it was just because Meredith made him forget, but there was that smaller voice that had been trying to drown out his usual voice that told him something else was happening here.

But for something to happen, he would have to put down his suitcase and he just felt like he couldn't do that. Meredith and her baby daughter deserved so much more and he hated that he couldn't give it to them. If he started to go down that path, he just didn't see himself coming back. Being normal sounded beyond nice, but he wasn't normal. He had chosen this life and that had never bothered him until he had met Meredith. It all just felt like some kind of bomb, ticking away at his life until it eventually exploded. He just wasn't sure how the pieces would fall after the explosion, or if he needed to be running in the opposite direction before it happened.

It only took him a minute to grab his bag and then he walked quickly down the street towards Chris's house, thankful at least for the break in his confusion. Chris had had a heart attack a couple months after his wife's death and had struggled with an arrhythmia ever since. The pacemaker had been a battle, but Derek had been sure it was the right choice and every appointment since the surgery had been beyond positive. But he could understand why Tegan would be concerned and he wasn't going to take any chances. This was his job and his life and it was the best part of it. He shifted his bag to his hand and leaned on Chris's door bell, letting his brain relax into doctor mode and far away from the craziness of his own life.

"Derek, thank you so much for coming," Tegan greeted him, her graying brown hair pulled back into a ponytail as she opened the door. "I got him into bed and he's been grumbling."

"That sounds like Chris," Derek laughed softly as he took his jacket off. "Is he running a fever?"

"I…oh god, I didn't think to check," she whispered, shaking her head. "I should think about these things. I'm moving my whole family here to take care of my elderly father and I didn't think to take his temperature."

"Tegan, whatever you do, don't tell your dad you're here to take care of him," he told her as he squeezed her arm. "I'll go check him out. Why don't you go make him a cup of tea with some honey for his throat?"

"What…what if it's not a cold?" Tegan breathed.

"Then we'll cross that bridge, but we're not there yet," he promised her. "Get that tea started and I'll see what we're dealing with."

"Okay," Chris's daughter nodded as she turned towards the kitchen and Derek made his way down the hallway to Chris's bedroom. A year earlier, he had walked the hall about a hundred times in a twenty-four hour period as he had sat with Chris and Amy in her last hours. It had been one of the hardest things to watch as Chris had said goodbye to the woman he had been married to since the age of eighteen and Derek had found himself curling up in his bed and crying for hours afterwards. Strangely, Amy's touches were still all over the house: her pictures were still up, the blanket she had made for Chris during her chemotherapy was still draped over his arm chair, and it just felt like Amy had stepped out for a day, even a year later.

"Chris?" Derek called, knocking at the door before opening it. The older man was in bed, his blanket pulled up to his neck as he rubbed his chest.

"I better be hallucinating you," Chris groaned before he coughed.

"I'm not sure if that would be more or less concerning," Derek shook his head as he stripped off his jacket and put his bag on the end of the bed. "Tegan says you're out of breath and your chest hurts."

"My daughter showed up tonight and couldn't figure out what else might cause that," the older man shook his head as he sat up slowly. "My head and throat hurt too."

"Sounds like a cold or the flu," Derek agreed, taking his stethoscope out of his bag. "Lift your shirt for me."

"That's what I told her," Chris winced as he lifted his shirt. Derek listened to his heart, taking note of the steady rhythm of his heart as Chris breathed. "She's paranoid."

"Your heart sounds good," Derek stated, leaning behind Chris to listen to his lungs. "Deep breaths for me."

"If you don't mind me coughing," Chris nodded, taking a deep breath in that immediately turned into a cough, but his lungs sounded clear and Derek nodded as he took he stethoscope out of his ears and reached for Chris's wrist. "You don't have that look you get on your face, Doc."

"What look?" Derek asked, glancing at his watch.

"The someone is dying look."

"Because no one is dying," he smiled at his friend before reaching for the thermometer.

"Good, tell my crazy daughter that."

"Stop talking for a minute and I'll decide what to tell her," Derek rolled his eyes as he slipped the thermometer under Chris's tongue and looked around the bedroom. Amy's nightstand hadn't changed at all since that night a year ago, except for the lack of orange medicine bottles now. The picture of her and Chris with their grandkids climbing all over them was still there, along with the lotion she had always loved. Her watch sat on the edge of the nightstand, like she had just taken it off, and Derek shifted slightly when he felt Chris's eyes follow his. He reached forward to take the thermometer and looked down as Chris coughed again. "You do have a slight fever. What was that I said about a flu shot?"

"Dave never should have you taught you to be a smart ass," Chris shook his head. "Am I dying?"

"Didn't I just say no one is dying?" Derek raised his eyebrows. "You have the beginnings of the flu that I want to keep an eye on so it doesn't turn into pneumonia. But your heart sounds good, though I will run back to the office to check the read outs."

"I keep telling Tegan not to overreact," Chris sighed heavily. "I'm not feeling it's time to join Amy yet."

"She lost her mom, Chris. I think she gets to be worried about losing her dad."

"I didn't say she didn't," he shrugged as he leaned back against his pillows again. "I don't necessarily think we lost Amy though."

"What?" Derek frowned.

"I know she's dead so don't get that look on your face, Doc," Chris laughed and then coughed roughly. "I just mean…I talk to her every single day. I'm not looking for her to answer, but I talk to her every single day. And I think about her every day. We were married for fifty-three years and I'm not sure why I'd kill her twice."

"Chris, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," Derek shook his head. "But I'm going to get you a cough suppressant."

"Hmmm…" Chris nodded slowly. "You painting the house?"

"Oh…" Derek ran his hand through hair as he turned to put his stethoscope back in his bag. "I was painting Meredith's baby's nursery. She's…well, she needed some help."

"I've been meaning to ask about the new journalist in town."

"There's nothing to ask."

"You have been spending a lot of time with her," Chris pointed out.

"One of those times was thanks to you, old man," Derek rolled his eyes. "It's nothing. It can't…she just needs some help."

"Of course not," Chris nodded slowly and then cocked his head to the side. "We've known each other a hell of a long time, Derek."

"Eighteen years," Derek agreed softly.

"Eighteen years and you know what I've been trying to figure out for all of them?"

"Why I'm such a pain in the ass?"

"No, though I still need to figure out that one too," Chris shook his head, his eyes meeting Derek's. "I'm still trying to figure out who the hell you're trying to kill twice. I figure you have to be trying, there's no other reason a young guy like you moves to this town, especially eighteen years ago."

"I still have no idea what you're talking about and I'm starting to get worried," Derek frowned, closing his bag and standing from the bed.

"There are two ways to kill someone, Doc. One is to out and out kill them, which I don't think you did. And the other is to try to forget a person you loved ever existed. And I'll tell you…one is way more painful than the other."

"And what if it's both?" Derek heard himself ask before he could stop himself.

"I don't buy it," Chris shook his head quickly. "You were a good kid when you came into town. Quiet and sad, but good. Whatever guilt you have gnawing at you…and I'm not saying I know that it is because hell if I can figure it out…but whatever it is, that's not helping anymore than forgetting her is."

"I think the fever is getting to you, Chris, I really do," Derek said quickly. "I'm going to run to the office, check your read outs, and then bring you a cough suppressant. Stay in bed for the next few days and I'll stop in before and after I go to the office. And let your daughter take care of you."

"You're a bossy little shit, you know that?" Chris groaned.

"So you've said for eighteen years," Derek laughed slightly as he turned towards the door where Tegan was standing with a mug of tea. "It's the beginnings of the flu. I'm prescribing a cough suppressant and bed rest."

"Oh thank god," Tegan breathed, shaking her head. "I know…Dad, don't look at me like that. You have a bad heart and I get to worry.'

"It's not that bad," Chris rolled his eyes. "Next time give it a couple hours before you call the Doc."

"She did the right thing by calling me," Derek insisted, squeezing Tegan's arm. "I'll be back in about half an hour. I just want to check the read outs from the pacemaker."

"Thanks, Derek," Tegan breathed as she moved towards her dad's bed.

"Just give what I said a thought, Doc," Chris offered. "I'm old but I'm sharp as a tack."

"I'm good, Chris," Derek sighed before turning to walk out of the bedroom. His brain was rushing again, loud waves crashing against each other as thoughts fought to come to the surface and he didn't know which one to focus on. His fingers itched to pull out his phone and check on Meredith, to see how her grilled cheese had been and his chest had the tight panicky feeling he had almost forgotten about today. It was easy to want the peace again, easy to walk out of Chris's house and desperately want to go back to Meredith, but he wasn't sure it would help. Actually, he was pretty sure it would help short-term but he needed to figure out a long-term fix.

He had spent the last eighteen years desperately hiding his past from everyone in town. He had tried to keep up the personality he needed to be a successful doctor and he had figured he had done a good job. He had put his suitcase behind a wall and he had been sure to keep people as far away from it as possible. For years, it had worked for him and he hadn't minded it. His family had hated it but that hadn't mattered to him. At least, it hadn't mattered until now. It hadn't mattered until he had spent his day painting a baby's nursery and being worried about a woman he couldn't fall for. And while he wasn't sure he really understood what Chris was saying, he did understand the guilt part. It was the biggest object in his suitcase and he had never been able to fold it down to a smaller size. So it just stayed in the suitcase, almost bursting out of it, and right now, his biggest fear was that the walls he had carefully erected around the danger of the guilt weren't going to be able to withstand Meredith Grey. And even more terrifying, he wasn't sure he wanted to still protect it.

Remember those walls I built?

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound