Chapter 16- An Act of Surrender

The pregnancy app hadn't said anything about impulsivity issues. She had gone through each week and read it all really carefully and nowhere had it said anything about a risk of impulsive behavior, specifically jacking off her doctor in her hallway after he offered to paint her daughter's nursery. It had been five days and she genuinely couldn't believe that she had actually done it, or that she had even put her guard down like that. She had sworn she wasn't going to keep doing this thing with Derek, but the second he walked into a room, it was all over. No matter how much she tried to remind herself that he was broken and had twenty years worth of baggage, she couldn't help but just want to be with him in any way she could be. And at this point, all she could figure was that her pregnancy was making her act out impulsively.

But then there was the other part of her that reminded her that when Derek wasn't feeling dark and twisty or guilty about Alison, he was probably the gentlest man she had ever met. He had no problem with touching her belly or feeling Hailey kick. He actually talked to her unborn daughter, which had to be unusual behavior for most men. Hailey wasn't his, but Derek acted like she was, and she absolutely loved that. More than once in the last five days, she had caught herself daydreaming about Derek tucking Hailey into her crib at the end of the day, softly murmuring to a fussy baby who didn't want sleep. It was stupid and she knew that, but she couldn't forget how gentle he had been with her before he had been called away. He was her doctor, there were probably a hundred reasons for him to be concerned about her being around paint fumes or climbing on step ladders, but he had stayed to make sure she was comfortable in bed. He had brought her food and all but tucked her in before leaving. It was just so unexpected.

She had dated before but never really with the intent of a forever kind of situation. It wasn't that she didn't believe in it, she just had been focused on other things until it had just felt too late. But now her brain was doing this crazy thing where she pictured Derek in her life, in her baby's life, and that had to be…stupid. It was stupid and crazy and she was really starting to hate hormones. She had been dedicated to raising her daughter by herself, and picturing a damaged doctor in her life just wasn't smart. It was clear he liked her, she was smart enough to see that he was attracted to her and he liked her and maybe even cared about her, but he wasn't looking for the life she had daydreamed about over the last few days. He wasn't looking for anything and she wanted to believe she would back away, but she knew what happened whenever she was around him.

A part of her was still horrified that she actually jerked him off in her hallway. He had let something big and scary slip and instead of just filing that information away, she had let her curiosity get the best of her. She had felt his erection a couple of different times when they kissed and it had never once occurred to her that Derek hadn't had sex in two decades. But when he had said it, she had just…she hadn't even been sure what she had wanted to know. She never would have done it if she had thought it would upset him, but he had felt amazing in her hand and his almost instant orgasm probably suggested that he was long overdue for sex. Every inch of her stupid body wanted to have sex with him, but that was just not going to happen. She was six months pregnant and that just seemed like…not the best of ideas, probably.

The whole thing was just weird and confusing and even worse, she had missed him in the last five days. The coffee shop had been open, but Chris was sick and it just hadn't felt the same without him, so she really hadn't gone in much, and even when she had, Derek hadn't been there. Apparently he was splitting his time between the office and getting the town through the first round of the flu, which meant making a lot of home visits. And while she loved the idea of Derek being the town's super doctor or whatever, she did miss him. She had spent her days writing or starting the work on Hailey's nursery and it had been hard not to text him and ask him to come over. He would be able to help with the gold foil stars she had had ordered to put on the walls, which she really wanted to do before she built her daughter's crib. But she had left him alone, if only to let him have his life without her bulldozing through whatever pain he was in.

And really, she was on a time crunch, even if she wasn't totally ready to admit it. She was about to start her third trimester, Thanksgiving was a week away, which meant Christmas was coming and Hailey was scheduled to make her appearance only a couple months after Christmas. She could swear her body was reminding her about the time crunch, especially after a random growth spurt had taken over her belly and her daughter had started moving even more. There was literally nothing her baby loved more than moving around and it usually led to her belly looking really weird as her now two pound daughter found new and interesting positions to practice moving in. It all just meant she was getting more uncomfortable and maybe waddling a little, but definitely feeling a sense of urgency. That mixed with her weird desire to constantly be around Derek was making her brain run in circles she couldn't stop.

Tonight though, she was going to actually take part in something her new hometown was doing. She was going to live here, she was going to raise her daughter here, and she kind of figured that she needed to get used to all of the weird small town things they did every year. Even though Thanksgiving was still six days away, the town apparently always put up the Christmas tree the week before and then lit it up in a big ceremony that consisted of a small festival, complete with hot cocoa booths and games for the kids. The town itself had been lit up by fairy lights since Halloween, but now they were officially starting the Christmas season and apparently people from all over the area came to see it. So she was abandoning her writing to see what it was like, and to maybe, possibly catch a glimpse of the town doctor.

It was just so stupid, but she had actually done her hair tonight and put on a little bit of make up and while her new purple sweater dress would actually be hidden under her winter coat, she was actually feeling pretty good about herself. Yes, she was pregnant but she wasn't feeling huge yet and she actually thought she looked kind of pretty. It was just another sign that her brain had gone completely haywire due to insane hormones, because dressing up to impress the town doctor who was struggling with his past was just the stupidest thing she could do. But she had done it and now she was walking through a sea of people as everyone crowded on Main Street.

It had been a warmer day, but a cold front was moving in and there were a few snow flurries dancing through the air before melting as they hit the ground. It all felt like a weird Christmas movie on Netflix but she was actually here and living it. She was going to bring her little daughter into this little town that felt like it was separate from the rest of the world, and she really couldn't wait. Next year, she'd bring her nine month old baby to this and watch her little eyes light up and that just…it felt right. Nothing in her life had gone the way she thought it would but she was really starting to like this turn a lot.

She rested her hand on her belly as Hailey moved inside her and tried to find her way to the edge of the boisterous crowd. The Christmas tree was huge but still unlit and she really wasn't sure she wanted to be in the thick of things right now. Hot cocoa wouldn't be a bad idea, but the tree was supposed to are lit any minute now and she just wanted to feel like she could breathe in the crowd. She had spent the majority of her adult life in New York City, but somehow this felt too constricting and she stood on her tiptoes in an effort to see over the crowd of people. It immediately shifted her center of gravity, which she was steadily losing anyway, and she teetered before a pair of strong hands closed around her arms. "Hey," Derek's soft voice came from behind her as he pulled her into his chest. "Careful."

"Derek," she smiled, turning slightly to look at him. He looked exhausted, there were dark circles under his blue eyes and there was what looked like the beginnings of a beard growing along his jawline. But his eyes were soft as he looked down at her and she felt her body relax. "I didn't expect so many people."

"People from all over come every year," he shrugged as he squeezed her arm gently before his hands fell back to his sides. "Feeling a little claustrophobic?"

"A little yeah," she admitted before resting her hand on her stomach again. "I feel like I might get in the way."

"You won't, especially once the crowd disperses after they light the tree," he assured her. He looked around the crowd and then reached for her free hand. He wasn't wearing gloves but his hand seemed strangely warm for the weather, even through her own gloves. "Come on."

"Okay," she agreed. He had pulled her close to him, their hands still tightly clasped together as they moved through the crowd and she hated that every reservation she had had about being with him again was already gone. This felt right, maybe too right, and she didn't want to just let go of his hand. His fingers seemed to flex gently around hers and she answered with a small squeeze of her own, thrilling at the shock that moved up and down her arm, and apparently his too if his glance down at her meant anything.

"I'm running first aid with Patty," he explained as he led her to a small tent that was set up on the curb, just far away enough from the crowd that she felt like she could breathe again, but close enough that she could still see the tree perfectly. "She'll watch them light the tree with her family and then meet me here."

"You don't want to watch them light the tree?" Meredith asked softly.

"I can see it from here," he shook his head after a second and then he turned to switch on a battery operated lantern. Its light was harsh and she winced at the shadows it created on Derek's angular face.

"You look…" she started and then stopped as he opened a folding chair for her.

"Like crap?" Derek smiled slightly. "You can say it. I…the whole town has been coming down with the flu and I think I got a touch of it, or a bad cold at least. It's…I was going to call you. After…I was going to call you. But I've been fighting this off and trying to take care of everyone else and I just…"

"You don't have to explain, Derek," she assured him.

"I do," he shook his head. The lantern light played off the grays in his dark curls and she fought the urge to reach out and run her fingers over his hair. "That night…I don't want you to think you jerked me off and I wouldn't call you again."

"It really is okay,' she stressed, reaching for his hand again. "You had a job to do and I would have seen you eventually. I have an appointment next week."

"You do," he agreed. "And every two weeks after that. Though I think at your thirty-fourth week we should take a trip to Syracuse so you can meet the obstetrician who would be delivering her."

"Oh…yeah, okay," Meredith agreed, brushing her hand along her stomach. She had probably gotten too used to the idea of Derek being her doctor, of having an excuse to be around him, but she had known the closer she got to her due date, she'd have to start seeing an actual obstetrician.

"Usually, he lets me keep up appointments with patients until their thirty-eighth week," Derek explained softly and she noticed for the first time that his voice sounded a little hoarse. "And if you want me at the hospital when you go into labor…"

"Can we talk about it later?" Meredith stopped him. "I know I'm on a time crunch but making birth plans and talking about Syracuse and the hospital makes me feel a little…I mean, it's a lot."

"Okay," he nodded before sitting down in his own folding chair. He just looked tired and spent and Meredith gave into her urge to run her fingers through his hair, smiling slightly as his eyes closed and his body relaxed slightly.

"Are you really okay?" She asked softly.

"I will be," her doctor whispered as he leaned towards her, almost resting his face against her stomach as she ran her gloved fingers through his hair. "I'm not a big…this is hard most of the time. It's hard and my routine has been…I'm not even sure I have one anymore."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"Hmmm…" he sighed but then didn't say anything. He just rested his head against her stomach, his hands clasped in his lap as he slouched in the chair. They were surrounded by people, she could hear them outside the tent, but it was like they were in their own little world and she could feel herself slipping into that daydream again. "How's the princess doing?" He suddenly asked and she looked down to see his hand gently slide up to her belly.

"She's good," she smiled, feeling her throat close slightly at the sight. This was what she kept thinking about, kept daydreaming about, and it was so stupid. He was doing it and she could tell he wanted to do it, but there was the unspoken fact that he wasn't a big fan of the tree lighting because of his past and because Alison was gone and she had died after Thanksgiving. It hung in the air like an oppressive smoke that she couldn't get away from, but she didn't want to anyway. "My app said this is prime moving time and she really is living up to it."

"Good for you, Hailey," Derek laughed quietly just as It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas filled the night air and he pulled away from her. "They're about to light the tree."

"Oh, yeah," she whispered, almost wondering if the sound of their bubble popping was just in her head or an actual thing she could hear. She stepped away from him with a soft sigh and looked out the flap of the tent to see the mayor up on stage as the song played. The whole street seemed to go quiet, like they were all holding their breath, and Meredith smiled widely as the tree suddenly lit up, twinkling in shades of red, green, blue, and white as the whole town clapped. "Have you ever watched a crappy Christmas movie on Netflix?" She turned to Derek, who was staring down at his hands.

"No," he shook his head. "My sisters love them though."

"Right now, in this very second, I genuinely feel like I'm living in one," she told him and then smiled as he laughed again. It was hoarse and it led to a soft cough but it still lit up his exhausted features almost more than the Christmas tree and she found herself sitting in the chair next to him, her hand immediately reaching for his. "I mean, don't get me wrong, that was really beautiful and I know Christmas tree lightings are always a big deal but…the snow flurries and the Christmas music and the whole town…it just feels very…cheesy Christmas movie."

"I know," he whispered, his eyes falling to her hand. "I'm so glad you decided to get the flu shot on your last visit."

"You are?"

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "The idea of getting you sick and then you and Hailey…"

"We're fine, Derek," Meredith reminded him with a soft squeeze of his hand. "And totally not professional opinion that I have no business giving…I think you're just exhausted."

"Maybe," he sighed as he shifted in his chair to be closer to her. "Are you leaving for Thanksgiving?"

"No, I'm staying here," she replied. "My sister is flying out to Seattle to be with my parents and the idea of being on a plane right now just didn't sound that great. I'll see them when they fly in for Christmas."

"That makes sense," he nodded.

"What about you?"

"Hmmm…" Derek shook his head. 'I'll stay here. My family…I don't really do Thanksgiving. They get it."

"Oh," she breathed, glancing at him before looking back out at the Christmas tree. Lexie had said her boyfriend claimed Derek was a hermit, that he had completely cut out his family and never saw them. It was sad to think of Derek all alone, but she also understood why his family would understand that this wasn't the time of year to see him. She just genuinely wondered if he would ever be a person who could celebrate the holidays with his family again, to actually take part in traditions and be happy again. He squeezed her hand and she glanced at him, smiling back at his own exhausted soft smile.

"Derek Shepherd, I swear I told you to take yourself home to bed," Patty exclaimed from the flap of the tent and Derek quickly dropped her hand before standing.

"I'm fine, Patty," he insisted.

"You are not fine and I won't take no for an answer," she insisted, crossing her arms over her chest. "You haven't slept in near a week and there is no point in you arguing with me. The worst we'll see tonight is a couple of tummy aches from too many cookies and you know it. There is no reason for you to be standing here."

"Patty, please," Derek sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair. "The town needs me."

"The town needs you at full strength," she pointed out. "What is it you told Dave when he was sick?"

"He had cancer," Derek pointed out.

"And you told him he wouldn't be any use to this town if he didn't take care of it," she nodded. "And neither will you. So, I repeat, go home."

"I don't think she's giving you much of a choice, Derek," Meredith stood slowly from the chair, trying to hide a wince as her back protested the movement. He immediately turned to look at her, his eyes softening, and she reached to squeeze his forearm. "Come on. I'll walk you home."

He shook his head slightly, his eyes suddenly downcast in a way that absolutely broke her heart. He probably buried himself in his work during this time of year and she understood that, she actually understood it in a way that made her chest ache. She had barely noticed her changing body because she had been so focused on just getting past the stupidity with Scott and finding a new job. And Derek…Derek had been carrying the last twenty years in a way that made him desperate to run away from it. She squeezed his arm again and he took a deep breath before nodding. "Fine," he sighed.

"Good," Patty nodded firmly. "And I've already told everyone in town that they are not to call you unless it's an actual emergency."

"Patty," he groaned.

"Go to bed, Derek, and I'll see you on Monday," Patty ordered and then smiled at Meredith. "You, too, honey."

"I'll see you Monday, Patty," Meredith giggled, rubbing her stomach before pulling on Derek's arm. "Let's go."

"You're bossy," Derek shook his head but he followed her out of the tent.

"I'm taking care of you like you take care of me so don't start grumbling," she rolled her eyes. "Where do you live?"

"Last house on the corner,' he yawned widely and then shook his head. His whole body seemed to droop under the exhaustion and she quickly wrapped her arm his waist, sliding into his side. She really wasn't sure if he was sick or just tired after taking care of the whole town all week, but she wanted to help him. He spent so much time taking care of everyone and living in his head, and she liked the idea that she could at least help him a little bit. She knew she helped him to breathe and get out of his head, he had been really clear about that, but she had never been sure if she was being used when he was with her. Right now, he wasn't saying much and it just really felt different for some reason.

His arm moved heavily to wrap around her disappearing waist, and she felt herself smile as he pulled her even closer to him. It was such a small thing and she really did want to kick herself, if she actually could because that wasn't going to work these days. She liked Derek a lot, she wanted to be around him more, but this wasn't what that was. They weren't talking a walk through the Netflix Christmas town, they were headed to his place so he could actually collapse in bed before she went back to her place and watched more Property Brothers and eat her weight in macaroni and cheese.

"I meant to call you," he stated.

"Derek, you don't have to…I already said it's fine."

"It isn't fine, Mer," he shook his head firmly. "Fine, I've been working non stop and I've barely had a minute to call but I could have texted at any point. And I didn't."

"We're not…you're not under any obligation to text or call," she insisted.

"That's not…god…" he murmured before stopping in the street and turning to face her. She had no idea how to interpret the exhaustion in his voice or the way his eyes softened as he looked at her. But it wasn't his usual expression, it looked like a weird mix of terrified and concerned and…wanting. He wanted something and it made her almost hopeful as he reached to run his fingers along her wavy hair. "You…my brain is trying to come up with words right now and for some reason all I can think of is adorable."

"I am not adorable," Meredith insisted as she wrinkled her nose. "Hailey will be adorable. Grown women are not adorable."

"You are," he whispered, tugging on a wave. "Sexy and beautiful and adorable and…I should have texted you."

"Don't, Derek," she murmured.

"Patty told me to go home and I didn't," he murmured as he leaned towards her. The only thing even remotely separating them right now was her belly and Derek seemed to instinctively curl himself around that as he ran his warm fingers over her cold cheeks. "I didn't…I hoped you would come. I really wanted you to be there and I'm a fucking coward who doesn't text so I just hoped that you would be there." He took a slow deep breath and then let it out slowly, his eyes drooping. "I wanted to see you."

"You're exhausted," she whispered, ignoring the way her brain spun over his words. "You're exhausted and you might be running a fever. Let's get you inside."

"Okay," Derek sighed heavily and she turned to follow him up the sidewalk towards his house. It looked like something he would want, like a little cabin that was just his little world, and a part of her worried that she was trespassing. While Alison had never lived here with him, this was probably where she existed the most now. She couldn't imagine that Derek could run away from her death when he was alone here, and she didn't want to intrude on that. This was his space, the space she and Hailey couldn't fit into, and walking into this felt like she was trying to force that. But Derek needed help tonight and she was going to be that for him. He had painted her daughter's nursery, so the least she could do was get him into bed for a good night's sleep.

He opened the door and fumbled for the light for a second before it illuminated the tiny space and he focused on getting his boots off. It gave her the opportunity to look around at the sparse emptiness of his house and she felt shock move through her body. There was a couch, armchair, and TV in the living room, but no pictures. Well, that was a lie, there was one picture on top of his mantle, but as she walked towards it, she could see that it was at least twenty years old, if not older. He looked younger and happier in the picture, his grin wide and his eyes sparkling as he sat with a group of girls who looked like him. It was his family and she smiled softly at the couple who sat in the forefront of the picture. He looked like his dad but had his mom's nose and open expression.

But it was the only picture in the living room and every worry she had had about this being Derek's place to mourn Alison disappeared in an almost breathless moment. There was nothing to suggest he had lost anything, but there wasn't anything around that suggested he had anything either. It was heartbreaking and she turned to look at him as he fell onto his couch and buried his head in his hands. "You okay?" She whispered quietly.

"Yeah, just exhausted," he murmured and then looked up at her. "You can take your jacket off."

"Okay," she nodded, unzipping her jacket. She had dressed up for him, had done her hair and make up for him, but now she was here and she felt like the suitcase she had been afraid of was even bigger than she could have ever imagined, especially if it was where he was hiding the last twenty years of his life.

"I was right about the adorable and sexy and beautiful mix," he whispered before breaking into a huge yawn.

"You need to get to bed," she rolled her eyes.

"I will," Derek sighed, holding out his hand. "Come here."

"Hmmm…" she shook her head as she looked around his house. It wasn't even really decorated. It was empty but felt full all at once and she turned back to him, resting her hand on her belly. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I…do you have a picture of her?" Meredith asked softly.

"Oh," he breathed, his eyes moving towards the desk in the corner before turning to look back at her. They were a dark, stormy blue now and she winced when she saw tears glisten in them. "I…not tonight."

"What?"

"Not tonight," he insisted. His shaking hand moved to his hair, pulling at the curls slightly as his shoulders shook. "I can't…not tonight."

"Not tonight," she echoed. Alison was clearly in the desk drawer, locked away from view, and while Meredith wasn't any kind of expert in grief, she wasn't sure locking his dead fiancee away was the best healing mechanism of all time. But Derek had spent the better part of twenty years hiding Alison and the tragic accident from the rest of the world and there was no point in bringing it all out now. "You really do need sleep, Derek. You look like hell."

"Thanks, Mer," he laughed before it turned into a cough. "Can you just come here a second?"

"Fine, but then I'm getting you some water," Meredith sighed as she walked towards the couch. "Or maybe tea. Do you have tea?"

"The second you leave me alone to go make it, I'm out," he shook his head as he ran his hand along his jaw line. "Shaving might have been a good idea tonight."

"You probably would have slit your own throat," she rolled her eyes, lowering herself onto the couch next to him. He immediately turned towards her, his eyes moving along her body in a way that made her skin almost instantly warm. She didn't know how he did it, but when he was like this, when he let himself just be for a second, it was all too easy to let herself live the day dream for a second. It was even easier when one of his hands moved to her stomach, trailing over the curve before cradling the underside of where Hailey was growing. She shivered slightly at his touch but let her own hand fall to a spot just next to his fingers and they sat in silence as Hailey's tiny feet kicked and pedaled against their palms.

An exhausted smile pulled at his lips and his thumb rubbed the fabric of her sweater dress, catching her skin every few seconds and she stayed as still as possible, letting him just feel Hailey move. It seemed to relax him as much as it relaxed her and she felt the day dream start, the hazy image of Derek's palm cupping a tiny blonde head, engulfing it as he whispered to a sleeping little girl. But the vision ended as soon as it started as Derek's other hand came up to her cheek before trailing along her jaw line and lips. Her breath was caught somewhere between her squished lungs and her throat and she swallowed heavily, waiting for him to say anything that would clue her in to what he was happening here.

"I should have texted you," he whispered hoarsely. "I should have texted you or called you or come over or…" He took a deep breath as he brushed his thumb over her lips gently. "I don't know…"

"It's okay, Derek," she whispered.

"Meredith, I…" He took a deep breath and then turned his head to cough. "Shit. Sorry."

"You really do need to get into bed," she shook her head.

"Stop being bossy for a second," he ordered. His hand slid along her neck and then pulled her back from her face as his eyes met hers. "I haven't had a routine all week. I haven't been on a run, I've barely been home to answer my parents' calls, and I don't think I've actually read a book all week. I'm supposed to have a routine. Routines are…but I haven't had one all week. Except for one. And it's not even a part of my normal routine."

"It's not?" She asked.

"Every day, every time I got a second to breathe or in between patients…I thought about you," he murmured. "About you and Hailey. About Hailey's nursery. About the hallway. Every single day. It was…it's a new routine."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered, scooting closer to him. His body exuded heat, she was pretty sure he was running a low grade fever, but she could understand what he was saying. No matter how much she fought it, she couldn't stop thinking about him either.

"No, I'm sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry about the suitcase. I'm sorry…I'm sorry that you can't…but god, you're carving this spot in my life that wasn't there. I said you and Hailey couldn't fit and suddenly you're fitting and I don't understand it. And I'm sorry I don't understand it." She swallowed heavily as he spoke, trying to calm her thoughts as her daughter moved roughly against their hands. She wanted to tell him that she understood why he didn't understand it, that he had this empty house with a drawer filled with his dead fiancee and of course he couldn't make space for her and Hailey. The suitcase had gotten bigger than him, bigger than any drawer could hold, and that she didn't want to be suffocated by it. But right now, all she wanted was to stay right here with him until the spot in his life got bigger and bigger for the Grey girls. "Mer…" he whispered, pulling slightly at her hair.

"I didn't mean to…I haven't been…" she started.

"I know you haven't," he shook his head and then leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers. Warm. It was definitely warm and she pulled back and pressed a kiss against it, letting her lips linger. "I might want you two to fit though."

"You…what?" She asked, pulling back from him.

"I think I want you two to fit," he murmured. "I don't know how. I don't…I just think I want it."

"Oh," she breathed as tears rushed to her eyes and her chest constricted. It was almost too much, too much to hope for or too much to believe in, but she did and she pressed another kiss to his forehead. His hand splayed over her belly, his fingers shaking slightly against it, and she wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around him, pulling him close as the shaking spread throughout his entire body and she heard a soft gasp come from somewhere deep within him. "It's okay. It's okay. Wanting…wanting is good."

"I just…I'm so fucking exhausted, Mer," he whimpered into her shoulder. "You have no idea…"

"I know, I know," she whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. "Let's get you in bed."

"No. I…" he shook his head.

"I know," she repeated, twisting the curls at the base of his skull around her fingers. "But you're running a fever and you are exhausted. Let's just…you can go to bed. You can go to bed and if you're feeling better tomorrow, we can go for a hike. That's what you do on Saturdays, right? That's your routine."

"Yeah, yeah," he nodded before pulling back from her. His eyes were puffy now and she reached forward to brush a tear off his cheek. "I…are you going?"

"Not right now," she promised him. "I'm going to get you some water and Advil. Where is it?"

"Kitchen," he nodded towards another room as he stood from the couch. He wavered for a second but then seemed to right himself, glancing over his shoulder at her for just a second. He somehow looked so small tonight and Meredith just smiled at him before he turned to walk down a hallway, his hand moving through his hair as he shuffled.

She took a deep breath, rubbing her stomach for a second before she stood up from his couch, her back protesting the movement slightly. Her brain was spinning and her chest was constricted and she really didn't know what to do. It would be so stupid to get involved with him like this, when she had a baby girl to worry about, a baby girl who deserved more than just a man who maybe wanted a spot for her. Derek's professional life was full and she had seen more than enough proof to know that the town loved him. But his private life, the sanctuary he had built for himself, was empty and a little scary. It just seemed like the kind of place someone would build to punish themselves for twenty years, and it broke her heart.

Right now, she didn't know what any of this meant. She didn't know if Derek was just exhausted or if he was really going to make steps to start opening a spot for her and Hailey. The spot would have to be huge, and she didn't know how ready he was for it, even if she really did want it. He was exhausted and frankly, she was too. She was tired of running from it, tired of trying to make it fit or make any sense. It was the craziest thing in the world and she was pretty sure Hillary and Lexie would kick her ass, but she wanted to stop fighting this thing with Derek. And if he was ready to stop fighting, then she would happily stop, too. She just wished she had some kind of reassurance that they wouldn't go down in the flames of his past.

She grabbed a bottle of water out of his fridge, which was at least well stocked, and then found the Advil sitting on the counter, still open from his last dosage probably. After shaking a couple into her hand, she walked down the same hallway he had shuffled down until she found a door that was ajar. She knocked, waited for a second, and then pushed it open, only to be greeted with the sight of Derek already in his pjs, lying face down on the right side of the mattress, his breaths soft and even. His phone was next to him on the bed and she reached for it, immediately pressing the side button and then sliding the screen to off. He looked small and a little frail, and she took a deep breath before putting the Advil and bottle of water down on his bedside table. "Derek," she murmured as she sat down on the bed next to him.

He snuffled a little, his legs moving across the comforter and she reached to rub his back in slow and steady circles. Every inch of him seemed to immediately relax into the mattress and she reached for the comforter at the end of the bed and pulled it over his prone body. There wasn't a sound anywhere in the house, not even outside on the street and she held her breath for a second, staring at him. The lines around his eyes were deeper tonight, but she didn't see them. She didn't see the deep frown line that graced his forehead from years of grief. All she saw was Derek and before she knew what she was doing, she kicked off her flats and let herself sink into his mattress next to him, her fingers barely grazing his hand as he slept.

A bit anxious, a bit nervous

The moment's all that we can feel