Chapter 17- Hope is a Waking Dream
For the longest time, waking up had involved snapping awake in a rush of panic, his chest heaving and his heart pounding as he came almost instantly awake. Whether it had been from a nightmare or just a middle of the night panic attack, it had just been how Derek had woken up for the first ten years or so after the accident. But then his body had gotten used to the routine he had built and waking up had been immediate. His wake up time had always been six and usually he just opened his eyes, awake and ready to go for his jog. But something new was happening now and it seemed to be accompanied by the smell of flowers. It was almost a floating sensation, like when he had been a kid and he and Mark would throw something into the community pool and take turns trying to find it along the bottom. His lungs weren't desperate for air, he didn't feel like he was struggling, he just felt himself come up slowly in a blur before blinking slowly.
The sun was streaming through his window and he squinted against it, desperate to close his eyes again and fall back into the surreal world of sleep. His body had been feeling the effects of exhaustion for a couple days now but he had pushed through it in a desperate attempt to help everyone in town get through the first round of the flu. He refused to lose anyone to the disease and it had meant losing countless hours of sleep as he rushed from house to house. Chris had stabilized first and then the others had slowly followed, just in time for the Christmas tree lighting. And suddenly, the smell of flowers washed over him again as he remembered the night before.
He had been desperate to see Meredith again and while it was easy for Patty to run the first aid tent during the festival, he had known it was the easiest way for him to see the blonde journalist who had taken over his life. After five days of thinking almost constantly about her and debating whether or not he should text her, he had just wanted to see her, even if it was for a few minutes. He hadn't been sure of what he would say to her or how to explain why he didn't call or how badly he wanted to see her, but as the day had dragged on and exhaustion had clouded his brain, all he had known for sure was that he had to just be around her. By the time he had walked up behind her in the crowd, he had craved the calm she always brought with her, and now he could swear he could still smell her after she had made sure he got some sleep.
For the first time in five days, he didn't feel like his body was breaking from the weight of exhaustion. There was no doubt he was still tired but talking to Meredith the night before had soothed his brain enough to try to catch up on the deficit he created. He stretched his body along his mattress, turning slowly until his brain seemed to pick up that he wasn't just imagining Meredith's flowery scent. The pregnant blonde was curled up on top of his comforter, still in her purple sweater dress and black tights, with wild blonde waves that fell over her cheeks as she slept and Derek felt his entire body freeze as he watched her. He didn't remember her coming to bed with him, the last thing he actually remembered was something about Advil, but Meredith was in his bed and Derek genuinely had no idea what to do with this information. It had been twenty years since he had had a woman in his bed and while he had wanted Meredith to start fitting into his life, he hadn't expected this.
Panic should have been coursing through his body and the voice in his head that usually pushed that panic should have been screaming. But that voice usually shut up whenever Meredith was around and there wasn't any tightness in his chest or throat that told him he was on the edge of a panic attack. There was something else that was spreading through him, a feeling he couldn't really name, and the breathlessness he was feeling felt more pleasurable than anything else. He had never really gotten the chance to just look at Meredith. She was always moving or he was always trying to fight whatever he was feeling, but now he had the chance and his fingers itched to follow the path of his eyes. Meredith was beautiful, he already knew that much, but there was something about her wild hair partially shielding her rounded face that made him smile. He was pretty sure she had been pretty thin before she had gotten pregnant, she was mostly belly, but her hips had filled out and rounded more in the month she had been in Oakbrook Falls. Her nose was wrinkled softly as she slept, her hand was draped delicately over her stomach, and Derek had the sudden thought that he was okay with just watching her sleep today.
He reached forward with a shaking hand to lightly brush her waves off her face and his heart seemed to stutter at the sight of her day old mascara, smeared just a bit under her eyes and her pink lips, open every so slightly. She was gorgeous and she was here and he didn't know what to do next. He didn't know why she was here or if he should wake her, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. The purple sweater dress had ridden up slightly on her thighs and the fabric pulled across her rounded belly, framing the spot Hailey was growing. He had desperately wanted them both in his life, had wanted to start letting them in, and now that it was happening, his brain couldn't decide what to feel as Meredith's long, thin fingers moved slowly along her stomach. He didn't think she was awake yet, he was pretty sure it was instinctual but if Hailey was moving, it probably wouldn't be long. The problem was, he wanted time. He wanted time to enjoy her just like this before his brain tried to talk him out of it.
His trembling fingers moved along her hair with the lightest touch possible as he held his breath. She didn't move again, her breathing didn't change, and he paused at her shoulder as he watched her face, lit up just a bit by the winter sun outside. He didn't know what to do or say, he had no idea how long it would be until his brain reminded him that this wasn't part of the atonement. Then again, letting her fit into his life wasn't part of the atonement either, and he already knew he wanted to try that. It didn't totally make sense in his head and knew that if she ever found out the whole story about that night in November she might just run, but he did want her in his life. Of course, when he had made the decision, he had figured he might take her for a hike again. But this was good and he felt himself slide back onto his mattress, turning onto his side so that he could watch her, so that he could be sure she was really real.
The last woman who had been in his bed had been his fiancee and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't conjure up her face right now. For the first few years, he had done this almost every night, trying to pretend she was still next to him, but he hadn't done it in far too long. He had gotten used to sleeping alone, to waking up alone, but he couldn't stop himself from scooting closer to Meredith, his hand brushing gently against hers. It flexed slightly and he held his breath again before releasing it as her eyes opened, closed, and then opened again with a yawn. "Hey," he whispered to her as he watched confusion and surprise flicker in the golden green irises.
"I…crap," she whispered. "I…I fell asleep. I came in to check on you and I just wanted to make sure you were okay…I fell asleep."
"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head. "I…this…I'm sorry, Derek." She sat up slowly, one of her hands still draped over her belly and he quickly reached for her other hand and squeezed tightly.
"Don't get up," he whispered and then swallowed. "I…it's okay, Meredith. This…it's okay."
"It's okay?" Meredith raised an eyebrow as she froze in spot.
"It's okay," he repeated. He took a slow deep breath in and then entwined his fingers around hers. "Are you comfortable? I…you fell asleep in your clothes and are you…"
"I'm fine, Derek," she shook her head. "Actually I have to pee."
"Oh," he laughed softly, releasing her hand. "The bathroom is through that door. Go pee. And then come back. I…if you want, I mean.'
"I can come back," Meredith nodded as she stood slowly from his bed, her hand moving to her curved back. He watched her move stiffly towards his bathroom and then fell back against his pillows, taking a deep breath in. He could still smell the flowers that surrounded her, and that had to help him stay calm. He wasn't going to freak out or start questioning what was going on. He was getting so tired of this back and forth with his feelings and his thought processes, and at this point, he figured if he just locked what had happened in a little box, far away from his time with Meredith, then he could just pull it out later. The suitcase didn't have any place here and he just had to learn to compartmentalize it. He wouldn't let it come in until Meredith went home, and that would open up space for her.
Over time, it would just fit around her and then Hailey, too. Meredith would be worried about her daughter having space too and he could figure that out. He wasn't sure yet how putting the suitcase in its new compartment would tie into atonement, but he would figure it out. It was just a matter of trying to find a balance because he was starting to learn that he wanted Meredith in his life. His brain had been a wreck for five days and now he just had to find a way to embrace that she had chiseled a hole in his wall.
"How are you feeling?" She asked as she walked back into the room. The mascara smears were gone from under her eyes and her hair was a little more tame, but she still looked absolutely gorgeous.
"Oh…" Derek nodded slowly. "Better. Still a little tired but not as exhausted. I know I was a little out of it yesterday."
"You looked like hell," Meredith nodded. She lowered herself onto his bed, her hand trailing over her belly as she settled back against his pillows before turning towards him. Her hand lifted and she rested it against his forehead for a second. "You don't feel warm at all anymore."
"I really think I was just run down," he sighed as he reached for her hand. "And after…I don't even know how many hours of sleep…I do feel more alive."
"Almost thirteen hours," she offered softly. "You passed out at seven-thirty. It's eight fifteen now."
"I…I slept for thirteen hours?" He breathed. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept that long, especially without waking up from a nightmare or having a middle of the night panic attack. "I didn't wake you up at all?"
"Derek, you were passed out," Meredith pointed out. "You had a low grade fever, your voice was in and out, and you could barely keep your eyes open. I don't know when I fell asleep but…you slept straight through."
"I…good, that's good," he said quickly before turning back to her. "I meant what I said last night."
"Which part?" She asked.
"All of it," he replied, letting his other hand gently stroke her jawline. Her skin was so soft against his own rough hands and he didn't think he could get enough of the way she immediately nuzzled his hand. "I should have called you after I painted Hailey's nursery but I was busy and I was scared. I've spent years thinking I had built a full life here, that I moved on and started the second phase of my life and that it has been going well. I've made choices about...Alison was supposed to be the last woman I ever loved. It's why I asked her to marry me." He swallowed against the lump in his throat and the panic in his chest and lifted her face so that she met his eyes. "I don't have a lot of free space in my life, Meredith, and that has been on purpose. But then you came in and...chiseled a Meredith sized hole in my world."
"I really didn't mean to," she said quickly.
"I know you didn't," he assured her. "I know I'm not...I have suitcases that drive you crazy and I know that. I'm going to work on the suitcase."
"It doesn't drive me crazy, Derek," Meredith denied as she frowned. "She was your fiancée and you loved her. You still love her, and that's okay. I just want to know that the suitcase won't crush us."
"It won't," he shook his head. "I want...god, Mer, for five days all I could think about was you. How you smelled, your giggle, your hands...the hallway. Usually I'm trying so hard not to think and this year, you're in my head and my life and I'm so tired of trying to run from it. I'm so tired..." He trailed off as his throat constricted again and he leaned his forehead against hers, taking a deep breath as her hands moved to the back of his neck. He could feel her fingers twisting in his hair and her breath fanned over his face in a way that immediately eased him. "I don't know if or how I can do this, Meredith. But I want to. I want you to fit."
"And Hailey?" She asked. "Because the hole is going to get bigger and bigger until there are two holes."
"Hmmmm..." he breathed as his hands moved down to her belly, searching for the unborn baby's insistent jabs. He was almost immediately rewarded with two tiny, pedaling feet near the bottom left-side of Meredith's stomach and he smiled softly. "Good morning, Princess." His eyes moved back up to Meredith's face and he nodded. "I can't imagine her not having space. She's...god, Mer, she's part of you."
"And a part of someone else," she reminded him.
"No," he shook his head as he splayed his hand over her belly. "He doesn't…she's yours. She's a part of you and she will have a place. However you want me in her life, I will be in it. And she'll be in mine."
'I just…you're sure?" She breathed and he saw the hope in her eyes almost immediately. "Because I want you too, Derek. It doesn't make sense to me because I didn't…I shouldn't even be thinking of this right now. I need to be focusing on building a life for her, a good life where she won't get hurt unnecessarily because her mom is focusing on a boy."
"I don't want to hurt either of you," Derek insisted. One of his hands stayed on her belly, feeling the little girl move, and his other moved to her blonde waves, pulling them back from her face. "I don't know what this is going to look like or how or…I have to try for you and Hailey. And before…I used to be the kind of person who made the things I tried actually happen. So if I can be that person again…I just need a chance, Meredith. And I need to know you'll understand there will be days that are harder than others."
"I know,' she whispered. "I…the ninth…"
"Will be a really hard day," he finished for her. "I'll take a step back. I'll…I just have to try because I want this. I want you two to fit." Meredith nodded slowly in response, one other hands creeping down to his on her belly and he immediately reached for it, entwining their fingers over Hailey's little nudges. It suddenly struck him that her hand fit into his like a puzzle piece and he gently took her other hand to hold it as tight as he could. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither one of them saying a word or barely breathing. Derek felt a little unsteady, like he was about to fall off the edge of a cliff, but he felt himself being pulled back as Meredith moved closer to him, their knees brushing.
"Okay," she whispered.
"Okay?"
"Okay,' she nodded slowly. "Let's…I want this. I want to fit. I want us to fit."
"Oh," Derek grinned widely as he felt something he hadn't felt in years rush through him. He couldn't remember exactly what it was, but he thought maybe it was hope. Hope that he could actually do this and be the man that Meredith and her baby deserved. He squeezed her hand again and then looked into her golden green eyes. "I don't usually ask but I…can I kiss you, Meredith?"
"That is definitely the kind of space I've been hoping for," she giggled softly and Derek immediately ducked his head down to gently brush his lips over hers. Most of their kisses were unexpected and passionate and intense, but Derek wanted to try something new. He wanted to ease them both into it, to tease and listen to her slowly become breathless. It had been twenty years since he had kissed someone like this but it seemed to be second nature, like riding a bike for the first time after falling off and breaking an arm. The kiss was tentative at first, almost more like just a brushing of lips, but then he pressed his lips against hers, trying to keep it gentle but finding himself leaning even closer to her as her mouth opened with a soft sigh. Her tongue darted out and he smiled and whispered to her, urging patience before deepening the kiss ever so slightly.
She was used to kissing, used to this feeling, but her body was beginning to warm against his and her hands were shaking. They both slowly turned to their sides, shifting along each other's bodies until they were almost flush against each other. He could feel her belly against him, could feel it bulge slightly with Hailey's movements and he marveled at the sensation. It was completely new, something he had never experienced, but instead of being weird, it made him want to kiss Meredith more. She was an amazing woman, smart and driven, but there was a gentleness about her that made her stay here in Oakbrook Falls to raise the little girl who was making her body and her life change forever. The mix of strength and gentleness was thrilling and he let go of one of her hands to run his along her back, along the exaggerated curve of her spine as their lips moved against each other.
"You're beautiful," Derek whispered into her mouth and then let his tongue stroke hers for just a second. He could feel her warm skin and hear her breathy sighs, but it was the feeling of her tongue capturing his that made him rise up on his elbow so that he could lean over her, to change the angle of the kiss. She immediately responded by sitting up slightly, eager to be closer to him, and his touch on her back turned into pressure, pressing her into him.
"Derek," she whimpered his name. He pulled back slightly, his lips inches from her as their eyes met. "I…god…"
"You okay?" He asked.
"Great," she giggled as she brushed her nose over his. "Just…catching my breath."
"And she probably doesn't make it easy," he laughed in response, cupping her belly. "Tell me when it's caught."
"More kissing?" Meredith asked.
"If you want," he offered before putting more pressure on her lower back. Her answering moan and fluttering eyelids told him all he needed to know and he let his knuckles knead the tight spot as Meredith curled closer to him. The baby inside her had to be nearly two and a half pounds at this point and she was so determined to do all she could, even as she got bigger. It probably meant she was in desperate need of a massage and he was more than happy to oblige.
"God…that…you…" she shook her head, her back arching slightly.
"Are you sleeping with more pillows at home now?" He asked.
"Hmmm…" she nodded. Her legs wrapped around his and he pressed into a particularly tight spot, eager to feel it relax under his touch. "Not that your bed is uncomfortable…"
"It's not exactly set up for a pregnant woman in her third trimester," Derek shrugged.
"Hey, that's tomorrow!" She insisted. "Give me my last second trimester day."
"Oh, sorry," he laughed before kissing her nose. "Do you want to do anything special to say goodbye to the second trimester?'
"Do people do that?"
"No, but you seem pretty into it," he teased softly.
"Hmmm…it's Saturday," she breathed. She ran her fingers through his hair, her eyes searching his for a second. "You go for hikes on Saturday. Do you feel up to one or still too tired?"
"I'm never too tired for a hike," he shook his head. "I'm more concerned with whether or not you're up for a hike."
"Exercise helps the aches and pains of pregnancy, my app says so," Meredith pointed out. "And with the way it's been snowing, I feel like I need to say goodbye to the harder trails soon."
"Maybe to hiking period,' he frowned slightly. "Especially by yourself."
"We'll see," she smiled at him before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "I…what other routines do you have on Saturdays?"
"Oh…" Derek breathed. "I…I mean, weekends are different from week days. Though I keep talking about opening the clinic for a few hours a day on Saturdays but…usually I get up at six, go for a run, shower, get breakfast at Chris's, and then go for my hike. That's usually…I like long hikes especially this time of year. After that, I usually call my parents and then read."
"Hmmm…" she nodded, running her fingers through his hair. "So the routine is a mess already."
"It has been all week," he sighed heavily. "I can get it back on track tomorrow."
"That's part of us fitting, right?" She whispered. "We'll have to fit into your routine."
"Don't worry about that," he assured her, running his hand along her hair. "I…I'll figure it out. I'm going to figure this out."
"I know, Derek," she murmured. "I just…do you want to go for a hike?'
"A hike doesn't sound like a bad idea," he agreed but leaned his head down to kiss her softly again. "Kissing sounds good, too. Can we do both?"
"We can definitely do both," she giggled. "I'm just thinking I should probably get home and change. And eat. We both need to eat."
"Food is definitely a good idea," he nodded as he pulled back from her. "And while I see the point in you changing, I do like the dress."
"Thanks," Meredith blushed. "But not exactly conducive to hiking."
"Not exactly, no," he agreed, running his hand gently along her side and the rough fabric of the sweater dress. "I can make eggs, if you want. I have cheese, which I know is a big thing for you right now."
"I'm half convinced Hailey Alexandra Grey is at least half mouse with how much she loves cheese," she giggled softly.
"Well, we can't have your little mouse starving, can we?" He asked. He kissed Meredith firmly on his lips and then slid down her body until his face was against her belly. Hailey seemed to have relaxed and he put his hands on either side of her stomach. "Hey, little mouse, are you hungry for a cheese omelet?"
"Derek," Meredith rolled her eyes but she was smiling and he rubbed her stomach slowly before pulling away. "Breakfast?"
"Breakfast," he confirmed as he got out of bed. She followed, albeit a little more slowly, and he turned to lead her down the hall towards his kitchen. His body still felt a little sore and maybe a little too tense, but the exhausted cobwebs had cleared and his throat didn't feel like he was coming down with something. He had worn himself down and then had somehow managed to sleep through thirteen hours without waking up once. It was almost too much to believe but it had happened and he wanted to go with this. He didn't know if it had been Meredith's presence or the exhaustion from a week of non stop work, but he wanted to believe that this was progress. He had promised Meredith progress and he was determined to make it, even if it meant shifting the suitcase from room to room until he was alone again with it. "You're still drinking coffee, right?"
"I let myself have one coffee a day," she nodded as she leaned against the counter, her arms crossed over her stomach. "The doctor in Manhattan said it was okay."
"It is," he agreed. He turned on his coffee machine and then moved to grab the eggs, cheese, and milk out of the fridge. On most days, he ate his bagel and had his coffee at the coffee shop, but he did like to cook at least one of his weekend days, and this felt right. He was bending down to grab a frying pan when he heard a grunting noise and he turned to see Meredith, trying to jump onto the counter, her face red and frustrated. "Mer…" He rushed over to her and his hands rested on her hips, staying her. "What are you doing?"
"I…usually…I mean," she waved to the counter top and he nodded before pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.
"Let me help," he whispered to her and despite the baby growing inside her, he lifted her onto the counter and set her down gently.
"Thanks," she breathed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his on her sides, holding her in place as she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth. It had been nearly a month since he had kissed her on Halloween on her counter at home, when he had first lost all sense of reason with her, and he felt like everything had changed. She spread her legs until they wrapped around his thighs and he slid between them, pinning her in place before her lips captured his.
"I was going to make breakfast," he whispered into her mouth. "A cheese omelet."
"You're going to," she whispered back. "But now I want my kiss."
"Your kiss?" He raised an eyebrow as her hands slid down his arms and just under the hem of his t-shirt. Her fingernails gently brushed the skin above the waistband of his sleep pants and he sucked in a breath at the shiver that moved directly down through his hips and pelvis.
"You're beautiful, too, you know," she whispered as his eyes slid shut. He didn't think anyone had called him beautiful before and he wasn't even sure he would have expected it before the words had come out of her mouth. Her touch was so cautious, so unlike the firm and eager touch in her hallway nearly a week earlier, and he eagerly accepted her tongue into his mouth. She scooted forward on the countertop until she was at the very edge and he made sure to stabilize her with one hand to her back as they kissed. Maybe it was too much, too fast, and maybe he would face that later tonight, when she was home and he was alone with his memories and his routines, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now.
Meredith was so soft and pliable in his arms and he was fighting every urge in his body to push up her sweater dress so that he could feel more of her. The time would come for that and he knew that, but he wanted to know how her skin felt when he wasn't examining her, when he wasn't her doctor. And then there was the desire to make her feel as much as pleasure as he had felt a week ago and that desire was almost alien to him. Nothing about this life had been about pleasure over the last two decades but now Meredith seemed to pull it out of him with almost no effort at all. He brushed his fingers over the thick black tights she was wearing, working his way up her thigh as he swallowed an excited moan from her.
He knew pregnancy could make the sensations of sex and intimate touch even stronger and he wondered how she had dealt with being alone as those hormones surged through her. She had been responsive in her kitchen at home for their first kiss and now she seemed almost desperate for him, her hips rising off the counter as her tongue wrapped around his. It meant he had to curve around her stomach and he moved his hand from her back to her waist just as he felt Hailey give a very insistent kick that made both of them stop. "Okay, that…that one hurt," Meredith winced as Derek pressed his hand to the spot. It was like a flurry of kicks and he watched the surprise and winces move over Meredith's face quickly.
"Calm down, little mouse," he ordered, pressing back against the kicks. "Your cheese omelet is coming right up." He waited for a minute as the kicks seemed to answer back before Meredith's belly bulged to the right and then relaxed.
"I think she's trying to get in a different position," Meredith explained breathlessly.
"She might be starting to get into the head down position," he agreed, squeezing her waist before stepping back towards the food.
"I…I didn't think of that," she said as her hands moved to hold her bump. "That's…wow."
"Are you starting to worry about it?" He asked.
"I…I think I did enough worrying in the first five months," Meredith shook her head. "I think I just…she'll be here in February. Next week is December and she'll be here in February. It's gone by so fast."
"According to my sisters, the going by fast feeling goes away in the third trimester, when you start to think it's not going fast enough."
"My friend Hillary said that, too," she laughed.
"But you'll be okay," he assured her as he began to crack eggs into a bowl. "We'll figure out the birthing plan that works for you and you'll be okay."
"Hmmm…" she nodded slowly. "My parents want to come out before she's born. I just…I might have them come out a couple weeks before. I don't really know exactly how they're feeling about all this and I just…I like the quiet here."
"I get it, Mer. You don't have to explain it to me."
"I know you do," she breathed as he whisked the eggs. Her legs were kicking slightly against the cabinets and he turned to look at her with a soft smile. Her hands were still cradling her belly, but her brow was furrowed and he put down the whisk before walking towards her. He reached to turn on the stove and then put his hand down on her thigh, brushing his thumb against her. "What?"
"Are you okay?" He asked. "You look…"
"I…" she took a deep breath and then looked into his eyes. "Do you have a brother named Mark?"
"Oh…" he frowned slightly. "I…kind of? I mean, yes but…he's been my best friend since elementary school and my parents kind of…unofficially adopted him because his parents were horrible. Why?"
"Do you know who he's dating right now?"
Derek felt his frown deepen as he searched his brain for the name he had heard at his parents. He could practically hear Sophie saying it, but the word was lost somewhere in his brain, where he put most of the things that happened at his parents' home. "I…I know he's dating someone and he actually took her home to meet the family, which if you knew Mark, you'd know it was really unusual. My parents and sister liked her a lot."
"Lexie," Meredith whispered. "Her name is Lexie. Lexie Grey. She's my sister."
"Wh-what?" He gasped.
"I know, it's crazy and so out of this world…I don't even know the word for it," she shook her head quickly. "I just…she was here a couple weeks ago and I mentioned you to her…or really my friend Hillary mentioned you and Lexie wanted details and I said your name…anyway, the point is, she said you were a recluse. That you had cut yourself off from your family and now Mark and you aren't as close as you used to be."
"Oh," Derek ran his hand through his hair as he shook his head. He wasn't going to freak out. He could not freak out about the idea of Mark knowing about Meredith. That wasn't the point of the conversation and it would just make Meredith think he wasn't really ready for this. "It's complicated, Meredith. I…after the accident, I wasn't…things were really hard for a long time and my relationships with my family, including Mark, kind of went up in flames. I…I don't think I'm a recluse necessarily. I just…it's complicated."
"
"And you're not ready to talk about it?" She asked.
"I don't know how to talk about it," he insisted and then reached to cup her cheek. "I'll figure it out, okay? I'll figure it out and I'll tell you. I swear."
"I'm not trying to say I'm nervous about you hiding from your family or anything," she said quickly. "I'm obviously doing the same thing. I just wanted…I told her not to say anything to Mark because there wasn't anything to say at the time."
"Okay," he breathed. "I…the thing with Mark is…he doesn't know how to talk to me. Before, he was a manwhore idiot and I was his fed up wingman. Now…the accident changed a lot of things in my life and probably about me, too. And my family wants me to be the person I was before it. I'm not sure they see the man I became after it."
"I get it," she murmured as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm going to get to know that man though, right? No shutting me out?"
"No shutting you out," he nodded. Guilt rose in him in a powerful way at the thought of what he was holding back right now but he tamped it down as quickly as possible as he turned back to his eggs. "But I want to get to know the sexy journalist Meredith."
"You already know a lot about me," she giggled.
"I know you're obsessed with two brothers who help idiots find homes, I think I'm figuring out how you like to be kissed, and I know you don't take bullshit from anyone," he agreed. "But I think knowing more about you could be fun. What's your favorite food when you're not pregnant?"
"Oh," she laughed. "I love steak and pizza. Grilled cheese actually isn't that far off the mark. I hate Chinese food but I was eating a lot of it before I moved out of here."
"Hmmm…" he nodded. "I'll have to make you steak one night. Moving to a small town meant I had to get good at it."
"I love that idea."
"Good," he grinned at her.
"I…are there fun things to know about you post-accident?" She asked carefully.
"I have some embarrassing stories about being a new, young doctor in a small town when I first got here," he grinned. "Including the story of the first baby I delivered in town. He's now a senior in high school, by the way."
"Wow," she breathed. "So what happened?"
"She delivered in the stock room of the grocery store," he explained as he poured the eggs into the pan. "It was her fourth kid and she had gone to the store despite having contractions most of the morning. Her water broke in the frozen foods section and the bag boy came running down to the clinic. He wanted Dr. Shetland, but he was in the city for some symposium."
"So it was up to you."
"It was," he nodded. "I went to the stock room where they had tried to make her comfortable against boxes and spent twenty minutes arguing with her about getting to Syracuse. She kept telling me it wasn't going to be that long and that an hour's drive would be worthless if she was going to give birth in the back seat of my car."
"Could she at least get to the clinic?" Meredith asked as her hand held her belly.
"Not by the time I finally gave in about Syracuse," he laughed, shaking his head. "We tried to get her to stand, she told me she had to push, and twenty minutes later, her baby boy was in my arms."
"Wow," Meredith whispered as she looked down at her stomach. "Hailey, there better not be a grocery store delivery in my future, okay?"
"I wouldn't let you give birth there," he promised her. "Even if it was the most exhilarating moment of my life. I…it made me feel like I was finally a person here. Like I belonged here."
"That's amazing, Derek," she squeezed his hand gently.
"There are a lot of stories about being a small town doctor," he shook his head fondly. He turned to pour her a cup of coffee and then poured one for himself before leaning back against the counter next to her. The omelet would just be another minute and he liked being this close to her without fighting it. After breakfast, they could go hiking, where he assumed there would be more kissing and more talking. It was an interesting switch in his life, especially after years of not being comfortable spending a whole day with people, talking to them and letting them into his life. But it was different with Meredith and he wanted this with her.
Her hand slid up and down his back and he felt himself lean into her, his free hand wrapping around her waist as he sipped his coffee. Panic would come. He assumed it had to come, especially after a week of decimating his routines, but right now, he felt like he had a taste of normalcy that he hadn't had in far too long. He wasn't under any illusions that this would be easy or that he was just going to be better now. But right now, his breathing was easy and he felt like he had a life to look forward to, instead of lives to atone for. With Meredith sitting in his kitchen, her hand rubbing his spine as his own gently slid to the side of her stomach, he felt like he had something to live for.
Even when I start to fade
There you are you radiate