Chapter 18- Finding a Way to Exist
In general, Meredith really didn't think she was a holidayish kind of person. It wasn't that she didn't like the holidays, because she mostly did. Once she had started living with her dad and step mom, holidays had become something completely different. She had liked Susan's excitement and the inevitable decorating and cooking and wrapping. But it hadn't been something she had really thought about as she had gotten older. She usually tried to fly out to Seattle for Thanksgiving and then her parents would fly out to New York for Christmas, but that was the extent of excitement she usually put into it. Or at least, it probably would be until Hailey was in her life. Kids tended to love the whole holiday thing and Meredith had a feeling she would have to start loving it too.
Maybe not next year, but in the next couple of years, Hailey would be excited for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and especially Christmas. Her daughter would probably be spoiled and dressed up to go see Santa before eventually waking her up at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day to open presents. Meredith knew that was all in her future, but right now, she wasn't really thinking about the holidays, even if it was Thanksgiving and she was very technically alone on what had always been her favorite holiday. She just felt like she had bigger things to be worrying about right now, and being alone during the holidays had to rate somewhere pretty low on her list.
Lexie was in Seattle with their parents and Hillary was celebrating what sounded like a potentially hellish Thanksgiving with her family while playing referee with her parents and Kevin. And Meredith was…well, Meredith was in Oakbrook Falls, growing a very wiggly baby who was now two pounds and feeling heavier by the day. Her appointment on Monday had been great, Hailey was healthy, and she had scheduled her next appointment with Derek for two weeks later. But really, it was more than just little Hailey Grey that was on Meredith's mind, and she wasn't quite sure how to explain to her sister and best friend that she was happy to have the holiday to sort through her feelings about Derek Shepherd.
When she had woken up in his bed a few days earlier, she hadn't been sure what to expect. Actually, she had been pretty sure he would completely freak out on her and kick her out of his house. But that hadn't been what had happened and now she was actually pretty sure she was kind of dating Derek. She wasn't sure if that was actually the right term for what they were doing or how people even dated in Oakbrook Falls when there were only a couple restaurants, but now they were texting a lot and she was eating breakfast with him almost every morning at the coffee shop. He was still busy with the town's flu outbreak, but he wanted to be around her and that seemed like an amazing step. She didn't completely understand how it had happened or what would happen in the future, but she was trying really hard not to put too much energy into the quiet voice in her brain that kept reminding her Derek was still mourning his fiancee even twenty years later and that pain wouldn't just go away because he was dating her.
She hated thinking like that, but she couldn't help it. Derek was an amazing guy and kissing him was definitely becoming her new favorite activity, but he was in a lot of pain and he wasn't totally open about how he felt about things. Right now, he seemed happy and lighthearted, but he had texted her the night before to have a good Thanksgiving and that had pretty much been it. She hadn't heard from him all day today and she could only figure it was a hard day for him, even all these years later. Which only made her worry that Thanksgiving and Christmas might always be hard for him and he wouldn't be able to handle the over the top excitement of a toddler in a couple of years. And she knew it was nuts to be thinking longterm like that, but she couldn't help it. Hailey was going to be apart of her life and if Derek was going to be more than the baby's pediatrician, then she had to worry about how he would handle all of this.
Of course, she hated that she only had all these thoughts and worries when Derek wasn't around. When she was with him, every single last one of her fears kind of melted away and she forgot to worry about anything. He actually had an amazing sense of humor, which always seemed to surprise him, and she loved the way he looked at her right before he kissed her. It was a weird, soft sparkly eye thing that always made her body heat up and shake at just the idea of his lips against hers. Sometimes she couldn't believe how out of control her hormones were right now, but she didn't feel like this thing with Derek was hormonal. There was some kind of pull that she couldn't fight and she really did love that he had apparently decided to give them a chance, especially since it didn't seem like either of them were exactly capable of keeping this on friendly terms.
She just didn't know where this was going to lead. He needed time and space, and she knew that, but she didn't know how much time and space. Derek wanted to be involved in Hailey's life if any way he could, but she didn't know if he was capable of that. It just drove her really crazy that Derek still seemed like some weird puzzle she still couldn't figure out. It was almost like he had responded to his fiancee's death by becoming two people. One was the confident and caring man who embraced the world of Oakbrook Falls and the other was the sad and lost man who had actively shut himself away from his family and friends. It just didn't make sense and she really did wonder what part of his life she was missing that would help her understand more. Maybe if she understood then she would be able to figure out what part of her life he was going to fit in. And then there was the fact that a part of her didn't care about all of that, and she just wanted to enjoy having him in her life.
All in all, it was beyond obvious that actually being Derek's first datey person in twenty years hadn't made any of it any easier to deal with. Her brain was constantly swirling between her pregnancy, the prospect of being a mom, her career, and her hopes for her relationship with Derek and she didn't know what to focus on. She kept hoping things would clarify somehow, but that never seemed to actually happen for her. So instead of celebrating Thanksgiving like a normal person, she was waiting for a frozen pizza to cook while trying to figure out how to build her daughter's crib. It wasn't at all what she had pictured her Thanksgiving being but it worked. A few months ago her method of avoidance had been watching Property Brothers and pretending her life wasn't dissolving into a complete disaster. Now, she was sitting in her overalls in her daughter's nursery and staring at the pile of pieces that the box swore would end up being a crib and hoping the confusion of that would take the place of her confusion over Derek.
"Okay, Hailey, I'm a smart woman," she stated as she reached for the instructions. "And I'm pretty sure you're going to be smart. So neither of us are going to be caught out by the instructions for building a crib. It can't be that hard." She rubbed the spot where her baby girl was wiggling and then reached forward for the first wooden piece. This was part of the whole doing this thing by herself deal and she could do it. She had no idea if Derek was actually going to be apart of her life forever or if they would somehow fall apart, but her record with men wasn't exactly great so she honestly didn't have a lot of hope on that aspect.
But she wasn't going to start worrying about it right now, especially since this was new and even in her head she knew she was sounding crazy. They had really just met and literally just started dating so it would be insane to start trying to figure out if this was going to last forever. Her biggest concern needed to be Hailey and while those thoughts were starting to feel really repetitive, she knew that was true. Her daughter kicked hard, almost catching her ribs and Meredith looked back down at the instructions. She hadn't spent the last few months of her life watching HGTV for nothing, and she was pretty sure she was just making this more complicated than it needed to be. She was going to build something from all these pieces for her active baby girl and that was all that mattered right now.
There had been a lot of googling to make sure she had all the pieces and she had been beyond grateful to her former landlords for leaving behind a great toolbox. By the end of today, she wouldn't be sitting in a completely empty nursery and she grinned at that thought as she reached for another piece. "My main goal is not to kill you, baby girl," she murmured as she picked up the screw driver. "That seems like something I should not do. And death by crib seems really…I don't know, that seems pretty bad, right? Like the least I could do is not build a death trap for you, you know?" She had started doing this a lot, just talking to Hailey like she was actually here and able to respond. Everything she read said her baby girl could actually hear her and she loved the idea of Hailey recognizing her voice the second she was born, but she did wonder if part of it was just the fact she was alone and didn't have a lot to do.
She screwed two parts of the crib together, resisting the urge to curse as her screwdriver slipped a couple of times and then looked back down at the instructions before sitting up on her knees to look at the piles she had tried to separate. Some parts were labeled as numbers and some were letters and she had tried to put them into their own piles but now she was just wondering if the manufacturers had just been completely crazy and evil. But she was going to figure this out. She was determined to at least figure out something in her life without making her brain obsess over it. Unlike so many other things going on, she actually had a set of instructions for this and she wasn't going to make this hard. She reached for another part and then groaned when she heard her doorbell ring.
Besides Derek, she honestly had no idea who it could be, but Derek had already told her was a hard day and she had pretty much figured he would be hiding out so she didn't think it would be him. And if her whole family had decided to surprise her, she wasn't sure if she would be pissed or not. She reached to stabilize herself on the box for the changing table and stood slowly, one of her hands moving to her lower back as it protested the movement. Maybe after she talked to whoever it was at the door, she could figure out a way to build the crib from a chair instead of the floor. She knew her daughter was doing a lot of growing right now and she knew that her third trimester meant she was going to get huge, but now she was realizing that meant she was going to have to make some changes to how she did things.
"Coming!" She yelled as the doorbell rang again and she walked down her hallway, pausing to grab her hoodie to slip on. While her house felt impossibly warm these days, the news had claimed Thanksgiving was going to bring record cold and snow squalls, which only made her question why anyone would be walking around Oakbrook Falls right now. "I'm here…" she announced as she opened her door and then paused when she saw Derek standing on her porch, his hands buried in the pockets of his winter jacket and snowflakes mixing into his graying curls. "Derek?"
"Hey," he breathed. A smile flickered over his lips but never reached his dark blue eyes and she reached forward to grab his wrist.
"What are you doing here?" She asked as she pulled him inside and quickly closed the door. His cheeks were red, he didn't have gloves on, and she closed her hands around his to rub them slowly. "It's freezing outside."
"I just…" Derek shook his head and then took a deep breath. She continued rubbing his hands, hoping he could at least warm up before she focused on anything else. He was quiet for a moment and she could feel his eyes on her, staring, and she was suddenly aware of the fact that she had taken to hanging out inside her house in nothing but her overalls over her nursing bra. It meant a lot of skin was on display and she swallowed heavily as Derek's breath seemed to hitch slightly. "You make things real."
"What?"
"You make things real," he repeated, flipping his hand to gently clasp one of hers. "Have you ever been alone and things just…stopped feeling real? You stop feeling real?"
"Oh," Meredith breathed. She tightened his grasp, letting her fingers press into his warming skin. "Sometimes, yeah."
"It's…I didn't even realize it," he shook his head as rapidly melting snowflakes fell from his curls. "I don't know when it became my normal or…but things have always felt a little blurry. And then when you're around…focus. It comes into focus. And I…I like the focus."
"Derek…" she whispered.
"I'm not using you," he said quickly. He shifted his weight slightly and then one of his hands moved to her stomach. "I'm not using you or Hailey and I'm not…you've made things feel really clear and real this week, Mer. Both of you have. And tonight I was at my house trying to read or watch TV or do anything but think and things started to go out of focus again."
"So you came here to get focus again?" She asked as she watched his face. Sometimes, he managed to close himself off so much that she couldn't read him, but right now, emotions were moving over his features so quickly that it almost took her breath away. Sadness seemed to melt into comfort as he pressed his body closer to hers and then wonder when Hailey started delivering her signature kicks before he looked down at her with that sparkly eye look that made her breath come out in a soft gasp.
"I'm not using you," he repeated softly. "It's…it can be a reciprocal thing, right? If you start to feel like things aren't real…I want to make you feel real. I just wanted…I'm not going to walk in here and let you make things feel real and leave. I'll…maybe it's not the best idea for me to be alone today. Or maybe I should be with you. I don't know what it is, Meredith. And I feel like I'm rambling, which I've clearly picked up from you."
"Derek," she giggled and then stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. It was a soft kiss, quick and directed towards silencing the man who constantly worried about what she had been afraid of, that he might be using her and Hailey for something instead of really being in this. Right now, she didn't think he was using her, she wasn't even sure he was capable of it, and she suddenly realized that things felt a little more real with him here in her hallway too. "Breathe. Take off your jacket."
"Okay," he agreed before his hands went to the zipper of his jacket. "This morning was…not warm but at least nice and a little windy. Now it's…"
"Derek, are you here to talk about the weather?" She raised an eyebrow just as the buzzer on her oven went off. "You came just in time."
"For what?"
"Pizza," she replied before turning towards her kitchen.
"Pizza?" Derek laughed. He caught up to her quickly and she smiled when she felt his arm slip around her waist. "You made pizza?"
"I…well, I put it in the oven," she shrugged. The magnet that seemed to exist between them immediately pulled her into his side and she rested her head against his shoulder as they walked down the hallway together. It felt so right, so real, and she shivered when she felt Derek's fingers trace along the bare and stretched skin that her overalls didn't cover.
"Hmmm…so not homemade," he murmured. "I should have brought over some steaks or something."
"It's okay," she insisted. "This is the anti-Thanksgiving meal. And day. Not that I'm necessarily anti the holiday, it's usually my favorite but…well…the point is, I'm building her crib and eating a frozen pizza."
"You're building her crib?" Derek raised his eyebrows as she pulled the pizza out of the oven. He stayed close to her, their bodies brushing against each other occasionally and she wondered if that was part of the being real thing. He had apparently lived in some kind of not real world for the last twenty years and if she was being honest with herself, she liked that she had managed to bring him back to something more real and solid.
"Well, I'm trying, but I'm pretty sure the manufacturers accidentally sent me pieces that don't go together. Or just hate babies and want their parents to potentially build a death trap for them," she shrugged. "Can you reach into that drawer and hand me the pizza cutter?"
"I should have known you were doing something for her," he chuckled before handing her the pizza cutter. "Are the overalls your uniform for doing something for her nursery?"
"No. I was actually just thinking that when I'm home and don't have to be anywhere, I live in them," she shrugged as she ran her hand over her growing stomach. "They're comfortable and when I feel huge at night or she's decided one side is more comfortable than the other, I can just unbutton the sides. They're not constricting."
"And you look great in them." His voice was soft and almost shaky and she held her breath as she felt him shift behind her. She felt his hands first, trailing along her sides, and she let herself lean back against his strong chest. The skin of his hands was rough but warm and familiar in the best of ways and neither of them said a word as his knuckles brushed against the sides of her bump, just along the very outer edge of the denim. "God, Mer."
"Hmmm?" She breathed.
"You're just…real," he whispered as his voice broke for a second and he nuzzled her ponytail. She could feel him take a deep breath and then let it out slowly before his fingers fell to the buttons on the sides of her overalls, gently unbuttoning them before the sides gapped and he could slip his hands to her front, cradling her belly. "You're real."
"I'm real," she squeezed his wrist. "You're real too."
"Oh."
"You're real, too, Derek," she assured him again. She knew the feeling he talked about, she had felt it a few times in her life, but she couldn't imagine feeling it for twenty years. It made her want to tell him he was real until he believed it, until he actually put himself back into the very real world he was living in. "You're real. I'm real. This is real."
"This is real," he echoed softly. His fingers were still playing along the stretched skin of her belly and she smiled softly when she felt his lips against her head.
"Better?" She whispered.
"Better," Derek confirmed into her hair. He didn't move for a second and she let him hold her even as her mouth salivated at the smell of the pizza. Sometimes feeling real again made her feel a little unsteady and she wondered if that's how he was feeling, if she made him feel just a little bit off. She would completely understand it if that was the case, but she just wanted him to know that he was real, that he had always been real. "Okay," he stated and then his warmth and solid body was suddenly gone as he took a couple steps back. "You wanted pizza."
"Have you eaten?" She asked.
"Hmmm…" he shook his head.
"Pizza," she ordered as she pointed to the bar stools that lined her island. "We are having dinner and you are eating pizza."
"Mer, I'm pretty sure you just used your mom voice on me," he laughed softly.
"What?" Meredith frowned.
"Your mom voice," he shrugged as he sat down. "I hadn't even argued with me but you just…you made it sound like I wasn't going to argue or I would be in big trouble. I had flashbacks of my mom taking my comic books away because I didn't listen to that exact voice."
"I have a mom voice?" She asked while she slid the pizza onto a serving plate.
"I've always wondered if it comes with pregnancy," he confirmed. "I guess that answers my question."
"Wow." She ran her hand along her stomach, shaking her head. "So the third trimester brings the mom voice. My app definitely didn't mention that."
"They dropped the ball," Derek teased softly.
"Apparently," she answered with a laugh. "I have juice and water. Maybe some Sprite."
"Water is fine."
She grabbed two bottles of water and then turned to sit slowly on the stool next to him, smiling gratefully at him as he turned to grab his water from her, his other hand gently grasping her elbow as she got comfortable. This didn't even come close to the plans she had had for tonight, but she was suddenly beyond happy he was here, especially since the crease in his forehead was now gone and his eyes were sparkling again. "I…do we say happy Thanksgiving or just…leave it?"
"Oh," he breathed, the end of his first slice of pizza hanging just in front of his lips as he cocked his head to the side. "I…with my family, we always went around saying what we were grateful for."
"Mine, too," she nodded.
"It got hard after…I haven't really…" he took a deep breath and then put his pizza down on his plate. "They don't usually make me do it if I do go."
"You have to be grateful for something," she insisted, reaching to squeeze his thigh. "The town?"
"Of course I'm grateful for somethings," he shook his head as he took a bite of his pizza. "I..I guess it always just sounded sad to my family that I would say Oakbrook Falls and my job."
"I don't think it's sad," she shrugged.
"I can add you onto the list this year," he smiled softly at her. "You and the little mouse."
"Oh," she blushed, rubbing her stomach as Hailey moved into her favorite spot on her right side. "The little mouse is loving the extra cheese pizza."
"She should," he laughed as he took another bite. "So…I'm thankful for Oakbrook Falls, my job, you, the little mouse, and Chris's coffee."
"If you had asked me if I had thought a seventy-something year old man with a pacemaker would make the best coffee I've ever had, I would have thought you were crazy," Meredith laughed. "I'm…my year has been kind of a shitshow. Being thankful…but I am thankful for Hailey and Oakbrook Falls. And you. And Watkins' Trail."
"Thankful for me?" Derek asked. His eyes were dark and maybe a little confused and she smiled as she leaned to kiss him softly. He tasted like pizza and him and she smiled against his lips as she reached to ruffle his curls.
"You're real," she reminded him again. "You're real and you're good and I'm thankful for you and you can't argue about what people are thankful for."
"Your mom voice is already perfect," he laughed and then nodded. "So we did the Thanksgiving thing."
"We did the Thanksgiving thing," she echoed. "Is it a big deal at your parents'?"
"A huge deal," he confirmed. "The whole family is there…including extended family. My mom loves the holidays and my dad can't wait for Thanksgiving to be over so that he can start decorating for Christmas. He'll probably have my brothers-in-law take down all the boxes from the attic tonight so they can decorate tomorrow."
"That's quick," she laughed. "None of your sisters are into Black Friday?"
"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Emily is. She's four years younger than me and she'll find any excuse to shop. She doesn't even care about the deals, she just wants to shop. And her husband can never say no to her so he usually ends up following her around while my parents watch their kids."
"It always sounded like torture to me," she shook her head. "Though I do have my eye on some things for her nursery on Amazon."
"But you're doing it online so that's okay," he assured her before he swallowed back some water. "I guess…I talked to my mom this morning. She said it was weird that neither of us boys were there. Mark…he went to Seattle with your sister?"
"Yeah, she's introducing him to the parents. She texted me earlier and said Dad liked him, which isn't easy."
"Mark's charming when he wants to be," Derek smiled slightly and then reached for her hand. "I haven't…have you told your parents…"
"About what?" She asked. "Me staying in Oakbrook Falls? Yes."
"No…me…us," Derek corrected.
"I'm not really sure what there is to tell yet," she shrugged as she squeezed his hand tightly. "I mean…we kiss a lot and go on hikes and have coffee in the morning. You're letting me carve out my spot in your life. But beyond that…I wasn't sure what to say."
"Me neither," he admitted softly. "I don't want…they've wanted me to date again. My mom used to say that my life didn't have to end just because Allison was gone. But I don't know how to tell them this. I don't want them to get their hopes up."
"In case you decide you can't do this?" Meredith asked.
"No…no," he shook his head. He turned in the bar stool and then reached to turn her towards him so that they were facing each other. One of his hands moved to her belly while the other cupped her cheek and he leaned close to her until he was on the edge of the bar stool, his eyes dark and concerned. "No, Mer. I want…god, I want you and Hailey in my life. I told you that. I just…you're about to be a new mom. I don't know how…if you decide you don't need me in your life…"
"Don't you dare do that, Derek Shepherd," she shook her head. "Don't put this on me. I don't know…I feel like there's a lot about you I don't know. You're a mystery to me and I don't like unsolved mysteries. I want to know you and I want you in my life as long as you want to be in it. If you think you can't do this, then you can tell me that now. But don't put it on me that I might not be able to handle your suitcases. I can as long as it's to help you, and not for it to crush me and Hailey."
"I wouldn't want it to," he whispered. "Not on purpose anyway."
"I…" she took a deep breath before leaning towards him. "You're real, okay? You're real and I'm real and Hailey is real…or will be when she's here. And this…whatever we're doing…it's real, too. And I know your fiancee was real. I know she still is to you. I'm not going to ask you to start acting like she wasn't. When you want to talk about her, I'll listen. But this is real, Derek. It's real and it's now. And you should enjoy the real and the now, okay?"
"I do," he assured her. "Our morning coffees are the most enjoyable parts of my week. And our hike last week. And this…sitting with you and eating extra cheese pizza because your daughter is a mouse…I'm enjoying this. It feels good to enjoy this."
"I'm glad," she smiled and then kissed him. "I need to pee."
"Go," he laughed softly. She moved carefully off the bar stool, smiling when Derek reached to help her down and then walked towards her bathroom. A part of her wasn't sure what to think about what Derek had said, about her not wanting him in her life. She knew she was about to be a new mom and she knew he had a lot of baggage for her to deal with, but she also knew that it seemed like some kind of ploy to take the pressure of of him and she didn't love that. If she didn't want to be in Derek's life, then she wouldn't be wasting her time right now. But she did want to and it just felt like another clue to the larger missing piece.
She was starting to get the idea that things were a lot darker in Derek's head than he had ever told her and she wasn't sure what to think of that. His family seemed loving and supportive, but he had pulled back from them in a pretty significant way for the last twenty years. And while she knew he blamed himself for Allison's death, it was starting to feel like there was something more. She knew it would be easy to find it out; even newspapers from twenty years ago would pop up in a search about a horrific deadly car accident that had killed a newly engaged woman right before her engagement party. But really, she wanted Derek to tell her himself. She wanted him to open up about his life more and she hoped he would eventually trust her enough to do that. The sad thing was that no one had really forced him to talk about it all before, at least not here in town, and it seemed to have given him permission to keep it all locked away, which had probably encouraged him to live in something that didn't feel real to him anymore.
Maybe tonight she would do some reading up on long-lasting grief and see what she could learn. She was dating Derek, she wanted him in her life, and that meant she had to understand what he was going through. And for now, she wasn't going to push him too much. It was a big enough step that he was here and that he was enjoying their time together and he wanted her to have that space in his life. This just…it had to happen slowly. And it wasn't like she had told him everything about her life. Things like that came out in bits and pieces, as trust grew or whatever.
She peed quickly and then turned to walk back to the kitchen, only pausing when she saw that the light in Hailey's nursery was on and the door was slightly ajar. "Derek?" She called and then poked her head into the room to find Derek sitting in the floor, his head bent over the instructions as he held two pieces of wood in his hand. "What are you doing?"
"I was curious about the death trap you were building for the little mouse," he shrugged, thought he didn't look up for the instructions. "Have you figured out why some are marked with numbers and some are marked with letters?"
"No," she shook her head. "Why? Have you?"
"God no,' he muttered, shaking his head. "My initial instinct was letters were things that would go vertical and numbers were things that would go horizontal but I might be completely off base."
"Remind me the next time I order furniture to pay for the assembly," she said, balancing herself on his shoulder as she sat down carefully next to him.
"I definitely will," he laughed, turning the page of the instructions. His brow was furrowed but in the way that she was sure everyone's brow furrowed when they were met with the challenge of building a newborn's bed and she smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder. He switched the two pieces of wood to his other hand and then rested his now free hand on her thigh, his thumb twitching against the denim slightly as he read.
She actually liked this. She liked that they could sit together in Hailey's nursery and just be with together. It felt strangely peaceful, like a hint of things that could be if they actually figured out how to work around each other's various suitcases. Maybe one day Hailey would be sleeping in the crib that wouldn't be a death trap and they could just sit together and enjoy the quiet that came when a baby finally fell asleep. The thought made her wrap her fingers around his as they rested on her thigh and she squeezed slightly as Derek's shoulders seemed to relax. "Tell me about Dr. Shetland."
"Hmmm?" He looked up at her. "Dave? You want to know about Dave?"
"I want to know about you," she countered. "And you love your job, which Dr. Shetland gave you."
"He did," Derek smiled softly before reaching for the screwdriver and box of screws. "Dave was…honestly, my first opinion of him was that he was an asshole. He was grumpy and judgmental and wasn't interested in my 'finding myself bullshit' as he called it when I walked into the clinic looking for a job. I was a young, twenty-seven year old kid and he didn't have a lot of time for me. He didn't like that I was from Long Island or that I had quit my residency at one of the top teaching hospitals in the country. I still don't know how I convinced him, but he was shorthanded and he said he would give me a year to prove myself."
"Was he originally from Oakbrook Falls?"
"Yeah," Derek nodded. "His family was pretty prominent before the town started to kind of fall apart, and he had been lucky enough to go to Harvard for both undergrad and medical school. His dad died when he was nineteen and left him a lot of money. And the second he graduated, he came back here and started a real, honest to god, full service medical clinic. One had never existed here before he did that."
"Wow," she breathed.
"Hand me the three plank," Derek murmured and then smiled. "The whole town loved Dave. He didn't put up with anyone's bullshit and he genuinely cared about all of his patients. He believed in home visits and making patients as comfortable as possible and he taught me all of it. I think he started to like me at some point because he actually started calling me by my name and let me start taking on my own patients. And every night before we shut down the office, he would pull out a couple of beers and we'd go over the day."
"Did he ever…did you tell him about Allison?" She asked softly.
"No, but he knew something. He never bothered me for details but he always…he understood my routines," he shrugged. His eyes were on the crib but she could see his body almost physically relaxing and he flashed a small smile at her. "Dave understood secrets. He was a gay man in a small town during the AIDS paranoia of the eighties and somehow managed not to be ostracized. He lived with his partner but they weren't really open about it. He separated his private and public life so I don't think it bothered him that I did it too."
"And then he kept you on."
"I think I might be getting somewhere with this and my theory might have been correct," he grinned before nodding. "I had a particularly hard case right towards the end of my first year. Half the elementary school had come down with strep and Dave was having a hell of a time dealing with it all. He was on a house call when the office got the call that a kid had been hit a school bus. It was foggy and the kid had leaned down to tie his shoe and the driver just hadn't seen him…it was bad." He swallowed as he screwed another plank together. "I ran as fast as I could. We just…we don't get these kinds of cases here and it was…an open book pelvic fracture, a head injury…Medevac was having a hard time landing because of the fog and we were really afraid the help wouldn't come. I…I went above and beyond and did burr holes…relieving the pressure in his brain right there on the ground. Dave came up just as I finished."
"Did…did he live?" Meredith breathed as she wrapped her arms over her belly.
"Hmmm…" Derek shook his head. "He died en route to the hospital. It was…god, it was horrible and tragic. That night Dave pulled Scotch out of his desk and told me there were some days that called for the harder stuff. And he let me drink until I had stopped crying. Then, he told me he had heard I had just bought the house and while he thought that was a damn fool thing to do considering the state of town, he was ready to give me the job."
"God…" she breathed, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Dave was an incredible doctor," he murmured. "He could have been a legend if he had gone to a huge hospital somewhere. Instead…he saw this town through so many ups and downs and he was so damn proud of it. It was an honor to work with him for fifteen years and when he left me the practice, I swore I would carry on his legacy."
"Do you miss him?"
"Every day," he confirmed as he worked. "I have his picture up in my office and I still talk to him sometimes when a hard case comes in. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that the clinic is mine. He…it was more than just him being a damn good doctor and my boss. He was my friend, and in some ways, another dad. Not that I need another dad, mine is incredible, but Dave just…he paid off my remaining loans and left me a successful practice. And he never doubted that I could figure out something here that could work for me. I miss him every day."
"I'm sorry," she breathed. She leaned over to press a quick kiss to his cheek which he quickly turned into a softer kiss to the lips as he turned his head. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," he whispered and then smiled. "Me owning the clinic means I got to meet you and Hailey when you fell."
"Silver lining," she giggled softly and then winced as she felt the left side of her belly tighten.
"What's wrong?" Derek asked, his hands moving to her belly. Before she could say anything, she felt his hands beneath her arms and then pulled her up before pulling her into his chest. "Take a deep breath. It's a Braxton Hicks contraction. We'll just walk it off."
"Con-contraction?" She gasped.
"They're practice contractions," he soothed. His hand moved up and down her back, urging her to walk and she wrapped her arm tightly around his waist as they started walking around Hailey's nursery. "It should be stopping any second, changing positions helps it."
"I thought I had read about it in my book but I thought it would just be…I don't know…vaguely uncomfortable?"
"They usually are, but you might have been having them for a bit without really noticing," he explained. "Growing uterus and third trimester means you're going to feel them more."
"Oh," she breathed as she felt her belly start to relax. Derek led her out of the nursery and down her hall, his hand still rubbing her back as they walked together slowly. He didn't seem concerned, which was obviously a good thing, but he also didn't seem like he was about to let her go and get back to building the crib. He was so gentle with her and she wondered how he had just managed to fall for a pregnant woman after twenty years of not even looking at someone else, and if it ever freaked him out. It never seemed to, but she wasn't sure if he was starting to think like she was: that this pregnancy was starting to wind down and soon there would be a tiny baby girl in their world.
"Better?" He whispered.
"Hmmm…" she nodded, cradling her belly as Hailey kicked. His own hand followed hers and she smiled at the feeling of his hand against her. One day she wouldn't be pregnant and they could probably actually just be a semi-normal couple, if that was still what he wanted once Hailey was here, and it meant their days wouldn't evolve around her belly or changing body. Not that Derek ever seemed to mind it, because he didn't. He loved feeling Hailey's kicks and wiggles and right now he definitely seemed to love her overalls. His hands had barely been off her since he had showed up and he definitely seemed to like the direct contact that her lack of a shirt underneath them seemed to afford.
"Do you want some water?" He asked softly as his hand slid along her right side until it cupped the bulge of Hailey's favorite resting space. His thumb twitched, sliding along her skin, and she leaned back against the door of her bedroom as her body started to heat.
"I'm okay," she shook her head before looking up into his blue eyes. She would have expected them to be focused on her belly but they were on her and she felt like she could melt with the sheer intensity of how he studied her. His brow was creased a little and she reached up to smooth with it with her thumb until it disappeared. "This is real," she whispered, in case he needed to hear it again.
"Mer…" Derek shook his head slowly. "It should be freaking me out and maybe it will later but…nothing, in my whole life, has ever felt this real before this very minute.'
"Oh," she breathed but he quickly cut off the sound as he leaned in to kiss her. Her body, which was just filled with hormones that had minds of their own, immediately responded with an eagerness that surprised her. Derek was an amazing kisser for a man who had been on the bench for twenty years, and now that he was trying to fit her into his life, he didn't hold back. When she pressed her body into his, he immediately molded around her belly so that he was close to her as his tongue swept into her mouth. Even the pressure of that felt soothing somehow and she moaned as it stroked hers, in time with Derek's fingers brushing along her skin. The hormones were screaming that she needed him right now or she would explode, and when he reached behind her to open the door to her bedroom, stumbling in with him just seemed like the best possible course of action, even if it meant they broke apart for the briefest of seconds.
"Fuck, Mer," he whispered shakily. "I…fuck."
"Is that a bad fuck or a good fuck?" She asked as he immediately reached for her again. His hand spread across her lower back, stabilizing the curve of her spine as he pressed soft kisses to her nose and cheeks.
"A mixture of good and confused," he whispered against her skin. "I had no intention…maybe some intention…and then we were in the hall and I remembered you, in those overalls, jerking me off and I just…fuck."
"Fuck," she echoed with a giggle.
"Exactly," he shook his head slowly though there was a wide smile on his face as he stepped back slightly from her. It wasn't completely dark out yet and the shadows from the lights outside played across Derek's face as he stared at her. His eyes were doing that weird soft sparkly thing that she couldn't actually describe as anything but the sparkly eyes thing and she wasn't sure what was more of a turn on, the way he was looking at her or the way she knew he was about to kiss her. "Meredith?"
"Hmmm?" She breathed.
"Can I do something I've wanted to do since the first time I saw you in these overalls?"
"What?" She asked as he stepped towards her. "I mean…I guess…"
"I just…" he took a deep breath before reaching out with shaking fingers to unhook one buckle and gently letting it slide down her back with a soft clatter. She could feel herself holding her breath as her body heat radiated from head to toe and she licked her lips when Derek repeated the action with the other buckle. The bib of the overalls fell down to her pregnant belly, catching on the most exaggerated part of the curve and Derek gasped softly as she felt her chest rise to the sound of it. "I…hold on," he whispered before sliding to his knees, kneeling just in front of her belly. He peeled the bib down along the curve, displaying her belly completely, and Meredith felt her legs shake as he slide his hands along her naked stomach. "Okay, little mouse," he whispered against her skin, "now is the time to take a nap. I promise I'll get to know you a little more in a bit. But right now…I really want to know Mommy."
"Derek," she murmured breathlessly. "I…"
"So sleep, little mouse," he murmured and then pressed a kiss to her stomach before looking up at her. His eyes were sad for the briefest of seconds but then settled back into the sparkly eye thing that made her want to shake off the rest of the stupid overalls and fuck him for the rest of her life. "I don't know…can I just explore for a bit, Meredith? I really don't know if I'm ready for…but can I…"
"Y-yeah," she nodded eagerly as he stood again. He was still fully dressed in his jeans and dark blue henley and she really wasn't sure if she had ever felt more erotic in her life than she did at nearly seven months pregnant, in her bra and half-off overalls in front of a man who was fully dressed and intent on exploring her. His hand was shaking when he lifted it towards her cheek and she immediately nuzzled it, hoping she could at least stop the shaking as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. It should have been a let down but her body apparently didn't think so judging by the way she shivered.
"I need to start carrying a thesaurus," he whispered before sliding his lips to the tip of her nose. "You don't like when I call you beautiful."
"It was frustrating before," she insisted.
"Still…gorgeous," he decided, rubbing her nose with his before ducking his lips to hers. "You're gorgeous, Meredith Grey."
"Derek," Meredith felt herself blush at his words. She really couldn't remember the last time a man had said it to her. Hailey's stupid sperm donor had called her hot as fuck a few times but gorgeous had never been in his vocabulary. His language had been coarse and while that had been exciting as hell during their hook ups, there was something so much more erotic about the sound of Derek's voice as he tentatively explored her. One shaking hand was sliding along the side of her neck and down her shoulder as the other grazed the stretch skin of her right side before moving up her belly to just below her breasts. It had been six months since anyone had touched her like this and she was quickly starting to realize that every fantasy she had conjured up during her vibrator sessions weren't enough to make up for the real thing.
"If you get uncomfortable, tell me," Derek whispered. "I don't know…what's your…I've never done this with a pregnant woman before."
"I've never done this as a pregnant woman," she laughed breathlessly.
"New experiences for both of us," he smiled softly and then kissed her again. It was so gentle and feather-light that for a moment, she had thought he was taking a break from actually exploring her. But then the hand that had been just under her breast slid to her back, to the hook and eye enclosure of her bra strap and he deepened his kiss as his hands shook and fumbled slightly. "I…it's been…these are tougher than normal bras, right?"
"I think so," she nodded as she angled her arms back to help him. The bra strap was made of heavy duty material that was designed to give her growing boobs as much support as humanly possible and while it was mostly comfortable, she was suddenly grateful as it came undone and Derek slid the purple bra off of her, allowing her breasts to fall free. Her brain caught the dual sounds of Derek's soft, breathy growl and her bra falling to the floor and then she realized how fuzzy things were getting, but not in the not real way. Just in the way that told her she was going to lose control of herself the second Derek put his fingers or tongue anywhere near her sensitive boobs. And the second his hand cupped her right breast, she knew her hormones were in complete control and she was just along for the ride as he weighed it before gently tweaking her nipple. "Oh…oh god…"
"Does…does it hurt?" He whispered.
"No…no…again," she murmured and then her head fell back, allowing the fuzziness to take over her. One of Derek's fingers was gently rolling the hardened nub of her nipple while he ducked his head down to take the other into his mouth. Pleasure immediately exploded through her and she grasped his dark curls in her fingers, surprised by the way her hips rolled against him. It was almost too much but not enough all at once and a part of her wondered if she was about to wake up from a super erotic dream that would leave her reaching for her vibrator. But Derek felt real, his tongue felt real, and the way her body searched for release was too real for words. She wrapped an arm tightly around him, holding on as her legs shook and her chest heaved with soft gasps.
Her vibrator was good, but there was no way it could ever be this good. When she was at her horniest, it made her orgasm quickly and got the job done. But she hadn't even been horny until Derek had asked if he could explore her and now all she wanted was to orgasm. His thigh had slipped between her legs, almost holding her up as he sucked at her nipple while his hand massaged her breast with alternating pressures that made her start to ride his leg, her hips rolling. His breath was ragged against her hot skin and she thought she heard her name just seconds before he trailed his teeth along her. She stumbled slightly, but Derek caught her, his strong hand stabilizing her at her curved back and it was the last sensation she was really aware of before her body tightened and then rode her release with a breathy cry that couldn't have possibly been her.
"Mer…" he whispered as he released her nipple and moved his lips back to hers, swallowing each desperate moan that accompanied her orgasm. She was floating away on a wave but Derek kept her anchored, kept her right up against his body and it took her a few seconds to start kissing him back with a hunger she had never felt before. "Gorgeous. Incredible. Fuck."
"Was…was that…pay…back?" She panted into his mouth and her body shivered as he laughed.
"Maybe," he whispered before he reached between them. He was hard as hell, she could feel his insistent erection between them, but he just adjusted himself before leading her to the bed. "You are…thesaurus. I need a thesaurus."
"You're fucking amazing," she offered as she buried her swirling head in her pillow. "Best ever. They should name vibrators after you. Whole sex stores."
"Orgasms make you ridiculous," he nodded and she turned her head to watch him sink into bed next to her. "Noted for future reference."
"You…you wanted to do that since last time?" She whispered.
"Well, not that exactly but I wanted to explore you," he murmured, reaching forward to brush his fingers over the strands that had fallen out of her ponytail. "I still do. I just…maybe a little carried away."
"Not carried away," she shook her head. The floaty feeling was starting to go away and she was starting to come back to earth, to the way her sheets felt against her naked belly, which was moving with Hailey's movements, and to the way Derek was looking at her as he scooted closer to her. "You…you're not going to run now, are you?"
"Definitely not," he shook his head as he pressed another kiss to her nose. "It's freezing and snowing out there. You're warm."
"And real," she offered stupidly.
"And real," Derek echoed. His arm wrapped around her and pulled her close to him. Her still sensitive breasts rubbed against his henley and the smallest of aftershocks moved through her as Derek ducked his head down to kiss her again. Their legs tangled together naturally, like they had already been doing it their whole lives, and if she had the energy, she would roll on top of him and repay the favor. But this was a step, a great step, and she was beyond happy to make out with him as one of his fingers swirled over her popped belly button.
They could figure this out. It was the main thought coming through the swirl of the her hazy brain and she was happy to let it come to the forefront. He was a mystery, he didn't make total sense to her yet, but they could figure this out. Derek was a good man, a great man probably, and she doubted there was another man in the world who would so happily bring a pregnant woman into his life and his bed. It might have been twenty years since he had last done anything like this, but he had chosen her to start again. She didn't think it would always be as easy as this moment, but the safety and peacefulness that were washing her in waves as Derek's fingers laced with hers over her belly made her feel more real than she had ever felt in her whole life.
This wasn't a part of the plan
The point of no return is getting closer
And I can't stand it how you're all I think about
This one's gonna force my hand