Chapter 19- A Life Sentence

Sometimes, Meredith felt like she was living in some very strange dream. It wasn't that things didn't feel real, it was just that she couldn't believe that she was twenty-nine weeks pregnant with a baby girl who would not stop moving, dating a small town doctor who was doing everything in his power to seem okay, or living in a small town that had some of the most amazing hiking trails she had ever seen. All of it was real, but sometimes things felt so real that she just couldn't believe it all. She didn't totally understand how she had ended up here, but she did know that she was happy she had. Especially on days like today, when she was hiking with the amazing small town doctor who seemed to really like her.

She wasn't stupid. She knew Derek was broken in a lot of ways, but she wasn't exactly coming into this dating thing with no suitcases. Neither of them were perfect and she couldn't expect that from him, especially when he really was trying his best. It had been twenty years since he had last dated and while that would probably intimidate most women, she found his sometimes shy attempts at romance to be kind of ridiculously cute. He texted her throughout the day, he had made her a steak the night before, and he was an amazing kisser. And really, she found herself feeling more comfortable with him than she had ever felt with anyone before. Whether they were hiking in silence, talking about Hailey, or just laughing over the antics of certain townspeople, she just felt like she could be herself around him, and she hoped he felt the same way about her.

Of course, there was the big black cloud hanging over them. It was just a few days until the twentieth anniversary of his fiancee's death and she really was trying to be understanding. He hadn't really said anything about it, but the hike had been mostly silent and she had let him have that. She had absolutely no idea what it would be like for him or how he was going to deal with it, but she wanted to be as supportive as humanly possible. Whatever happened over the next few days wouldn't be about her and she needed to remember not to take anything personally. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now so she was just going to hike with him today and enjoy how real he felt. She wondered if he realized how real he was, and how much of a good thing that really was. Right now, in this moment, the two things that felt the most real to her were her daughter kicking inside her and Derek's hand gently holding hers as they walked back down the path.

There were really wasn't any kind of plan today. Derek had wanted to go hiking and really she loved the idea of spending as much time as humanly possible on the trails until she couldn't. Hiking helped both of them clear their minds and she really didn't think there was anything better than clearing her head with the man who was quickly becoming so integral to her new life. It would have been easier and much less complicated to just come here and have her baby, write a series of essays about living in a small town on the brink of a real rebirth, and then move back to New York. But she was here and right now, she didn't care about less complicated. It would be impossible to explain all this to her family, but a little bit of hard actually seemed worth it. Derek was an amazing man who actually seemed to really care about both her and her unborn baby, and she was sure that had to be rare. He loved the small town he had found himself in after his life had fallen apart and if he came to love her and Hailey half as much as he loved Oakbrook Falls, then she would probably be the luckiest woman in the world.

His hand gently closed around hers and she smiled softly when she felt him squeeze her fingers three times. It was turning into some kind of code between them, some kind of silent reminder to both of them that this was something real. While Derek clearly needed it more than she did, it brought her right back to this moment, coming to the end of their weekly hike, and she curled into him before he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "Doing okay?" He whispered.

"I told you, hiking helps the aches and pains of pregnancy," she rolled her eyes before turning to look up at him. "Are you okay?"

"Hmmm..." he shrugged before wrapping his arm tightly around her. It had been his answer for the last couple of days and she couldn't help but notice that he hadn't shaved in a bit. His usual five o'clock shadow was thickening along his jaw line and the crease between his eyes looked deeper today. She hadn't slept over at his place since the tree lighting and Derek almost always came up with an excuse to keep from staying overnight with her. It all made her wonder if he was having nightmares and what she could do to help. But all she could do was ask him if he was okay and then be content with his shrug.

"What's the plan for the rest of today?" She asked instead.

"Lunch," Derek smiled at her. "It's been two hours since little mouse has had any cheese, so I'm sure she'll tell you soon how unhappy she is with that fact. After that, I figured you might want to come with me to watch them build the set for the elementary school's Christmas play."

"You...why exactly are you spending an afternoon watching a set be built?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"I realize how it sounds," he insisted, squeezing her closer. "But when something like forty men come together to build something, I usually get called in to stop bleeding. Last year, I had to remove a screwdriver from a man's arm."

"You...why?

"It's generally not advisable to live your life with a screwdriver in your arm, Mer."

"You know what I meant!" She gently swatted at his chest.

"Hmmm..." he nodded as he caught her hand. "There seemed to be some kind of disagreement about the angle of the roof of the manger. Words were exchanged, something about a man's wife being the town slut, punches were thrown and...well, not everyone's fists are as ineffectual as yours."

"But a screwdriver? Seriously?"

"Like I said...bloodshed," he nodded. "So I'm hopeful that if I'm actually there, they'll decide not to use weapons."

"You actually think there will be another fight this year?"

"For sure," he promised. "I treated two women for chlamydia last week. And one man. The other man called to make an appointment yesterday and he was pissed."

"I...holy crap," she breathed as she ran her hand over her belly. "Hailey, I swear I didn't know Oakbrook Falls was so crazy."

"Small towns usually are," Derek laughed softly. It sounded a little forced and his blue eyes widened slightly like he wasn't expecting the laugh and Meredith felt her chest constrict slightly.

"Then I guess I'll join you," she nodded before turning to face him. His gaze was soft but a little sad and she reached up to run her fingers through his wind blown curls, watching his head dip down slightly before nuzzling her wrist. Her other hand moved from her belly to his free hand and she squeezed three times, gently at first and then a little firmer as his body relaxed.

"Mer..." he whispered against her wrist. His lips brushed just over her pulse point and she stepped closer to him, suddenly desperate to just hear him talk about anything and everything going through his messy brain. "You...you won't regret it."

"I'm sure I won't," she agreed softly. "Derek."

"Let's get you warm and fed," Derek insisted before pulling back from her. It had been like this over the last couple of days. Sometimes it just seemed like the giant suitcase Derek carried wanted to crush him, but he somehow managed to push it away. She had no idea how he managed to do it or even why, but she tried not to be too bothered by it. A part of her wondered if it was her fault, if all of her talk about his suitcase had made him determined to hide it away instead of unpacking some of it. Either way, it wasn't her place, at least not yet, and she wasn't going to push him on it.

The simple fact was, Derek had made a lot of progress in the very little time she had known him. His routines were still important to him and he still tended to live in his head a lot, but the town hadn't exactly been quiet about how strange and reclusive their doctor was. He was with her now and he seemed committed to that right now. In the twenty years since Alison has died, he had never been able to take that step, so she wasn't going to force all the steps at once. It was more important for them to be sure of this, to know they were good together before Hailey came and got used to him, so other steps could wait.

"Are we thinking grilled cheese again or something else?" Derek asked as they walked together down the street towards his house. Another snow storm was threatening, the gray clouds were heavy with the promise of it, and Meredith couldn't help but imagine spending a cold snowy night with her boyfriend in front of his fireplace.

"Grilled cheese is good," she agreed. "Or a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich."

"A what?" He asked, a frown deepening the crease between his eyes as he looked down at her.

"I knew you were going to make that face," she giggled. "Lexie, who is supposed to love me, went out to dinner last night and had a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich from a food truck when the restaurant she went to first had baby portions. She sent me a picture and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"I...just to be sure I understand," Derek said slowly, "this is like a grilled cheese sandwich but instead of cheese you have macaroni and cheese?"

"Exactly," she nodded eagerly.

"Mer, they should call it a heart attack. Or a cardiologist's paycheck."

"One grilled mac and cheese sandwich won't clog your arteries immediately," she rolled her eyes.

"No, but the second the little mouse gets a taste of that, we know it won't be just one," he shook his head.

"Derek..." she pouted as they stopped in front of his house. She grabbed his hands, holding them tightly as she cocked her head to the side and let her shoulders turn slowly from side to side. "Please? Please?"

"Meredith, I practically raised my little sister and have taken on the role of pediatrician for eighteen years," he laughed softly, reaching out to tap her nose. "Puppy eyes don't work on me."

"Well, if puppy eyes don't work on you, I have other more fun things that might," she giggled before leaning in to kiss him. His arms immediately wrapped around her, pulling her close as his tongue gently trailed along her lips. This was something they could do, this felt natural and right in all the ways she had always wanted, and it was easy to forget his silences when he kissed her like this.

"Derek?" A gruff voice came from behind her and Derek's eyes popped open quickly before he pulled back from her.

"Dad?" Derek said quickly, his wide eyes trained over his shoulder. "Ma. I...what are you guys doing here?"

"We just wanted to be with you, sweetheart," An older woman stated as Meredith turned to look at the people who were apparently Derek's parents. She had seen a picture of them at Derek's office, but it had been a close up and clearly a couple of years old. Derek's mom was shorter than her, her curly hair was cut short, and Meredith didn't miss the way her eyes moved up and down Meredith's body. "I..."

"You didn't call, Ma," Derek groaned as he ran his hand through his hair. "You can't just show up...I have a life here."

"Buddy," the older man in the wheelchair sighed heavily, even as his eyes fell to her belly too and stayed there. It was like getting a look at Derek thirty years in the future. They had the same mouth, the same eyes, and even the same furrow between their eyebrows.

"No, Dad, you guys can't just show up," Derek snapped. "We talked yesterday and...nothing. You didn't say anything and you can't just.."

"Derek, please," Mrs. Shepherd murmured, her hands reaching out to her son, who was now shaking. "Just take a deep breath."

"I don't need to take a deep breath," he insisted. Every inch of his body was tight and Meredith had no idea if she was supposed to touch him or not right now. He had always talked about his parents with admiration, even if he did admit their relationship hadn't been great over the last twenty years. But this was anger and panic and Mr. Shepherd was still staring at her in a way that made her want to turn and run. "You can't just decide to see me and keep it a secret. You have to tell me. I...there are plans and routines and..."

"I think it's a little rich to be complaining about secrets right now, bud," Mr. Shepherd snorted. Meredith felt her hands creep over her belly, trying to protect her wiggly baby from whatever was about to happen.

"What..." Derek frowned and then turned to look at her, his eyes wide. "Jesus Christ, Dad, you don't...she moved here a couple months ago! I'm not...she's...this isn't the fucking point, and you know it!"

"Derek," Mrs. Shepherd said sharply. "I understand you're upset with us but that language and tone are not okay, not with us."

"Don't lecture me on my language, Ma," He snapped harshly. "I told you on the phone I was fine and now...you can't...this is..." He shook his head hard as his body trembled in the cool air. Meredith had seen Derek upset, she had seen him sad and struggling but this was different. It was a deep and terrifying anger that she couldn't figure out at all.

"Derek, that's enough," Mr. Shepherd ordered as he wheeled forward. His bright blue eyes were starting to get dark just like Derek's did when he was concerned, and she stepped aside as the older man reached for Derek's hand. "Take a deep breath and count to ten."

"I don't need to count to ten, Dad! I need to know why my parents have decided to treat me like I don't have choices! Didn't I say I would be okay? Didn't I say I didn't need you guys here?"

"You're not exactly open with us," Mrs. Shepherd pointed out. "We try to have conversations with you and it's on your terms. It's about your patients and your work and your hikes. You don't let us..." She held up her hands as she took a deep breath. "This is not a conversation to be having on the sidewalk. Let's go inside."

"No, Ma, I'll go inside," Derek shook his head as he started up his steps. "I said I didn't need you two here and I meant it." He stomped inside and slammed the door shut, making Meredith flinch slightly as she stood frozen on the side walk. He hadn't even looked back at her or grabbed her hand and she wasn't sure what to do. She was just standing here with Derek's parents who were probably amazing people, but also probably more than a little curious about the pregnant woman their son had been kissing.

"Well, that didn't go quite as well as we had hoped," Mr. Shepherd said as he ran his hands over the wheels of his chair. "Not as bad as I had feared though so all in all..."

"Not now, Michael," Mrs. Shepherd murmured as she took off her glasses and ran her fingers underneath her eyes.

"Yes, dear," the older man nodded and then glanced at Meredith with a raised eyebrow.

"I..." Meredith took a deep breath before holding out her hand to him. "I'm Meredith. Which...I mean, that probably doesn't mean anything to you. Derek hasn't...not that I'm surprised he hasn't because things are new and when things are new and hard to name...I mean, I haven't told my parents yet. I'm definitely going to but with my job and the baby...my point is, I'm Meredith."

"Hello, Meredith," Mr. Shepherd nodded, a slight smirk lifting the right corner of his mouth. He had a light accent that she couldn't place, but it was strangely comforting as he offered his own hand. "I'm Mike Shepherd, this is my wife Carolyn."

"I...it's nice to meet you," Meredith murmured.

"And who is this?" He nodded to her belly.

"Oh..." she breathed as she glanced down at her stomach. "Hailey. This is Hailey. She's...um...she's my daughter, obviously. I just...Derek isn't...he can't be...I really did meet him a couple months ago. And I'm in my third trimester so Derek isn't...you're not going to be grandparents in three months so that's good, I guess."

"Hmmm..." Mrs. Shepherd nodded slowly. "But you are dating my son. You said it was new."

"I...that's not...it's really new, Mrs. Shepherd," she whispered. "Derek isn't...I think he's trying to figure out how to do this after twenty years and I just...I really like your son. Maybe not right now but...I really like him. He just needs to decide...he's trying to do this."

"So he's told you then?" Mrs. Shepherd asked.

"About Alison?" Meredith nodded. "He told me."

"Just about Alison?" Mr. Shepherd raised an eyebrow. "Or about the accident?"

"He told me he and Alison were driving to the engagement party and there was an accident. Alison was in a coma for three weeks before she died."

"And that's all he's told you?" Mrs. Shepherd exchanged a glance with her husband that made Meredith's heart speed up. "He...not about Noah and Melanie? Or...what happened after?"

"Noah and..." Meredith trailed off, wrapping her arms around her belly as she glanced at Derek's door. "I...he said things were bad after and then he moved here. I don't..."

"Carolyn," Mr. Shepherd said sharply as Mrs. Shepherd opened her mouth. "It's not our story to tell, love."

"Of course it isn't but if she doesn't know what to look for..."

"What to look for?" Meredith echoed.

"Let's check into the bed and breakfast," Mr. Shepherd reached for his wife's hand. "It was nice to meet you, Meredith. I...well, I hope we get the opportunity to know you."

"Oh...okay..." Meredith breathed as the couple turned to go back to their car. Her brain was swirling and her chest felt tight as she tried to take a deep breath in. She had always figured there was more to Derek's story, but she hadn't actually come up with any theories in the interest of him letting her in. But instead, she was standing outside his house feeling like she had just survived several bombs. And the problem was, the bombs didn't actually answer any questions. She had no idea who Noah and Melanie were, she didn't understand what she had to watch for, and she didn't understand why the usually mild-mannered Derek had been so angry with his parents. None of it made any sense and she wasn't sure she could even move right now, much less go and ask Derek to clarify what the fuck was happening.

He had promised her he was going to let her in, that he wasn't going to hide anything. The smaller details would have come but a lot of this felt really big and scary. It felt like he had made the decision to let her into his world but then had kept up about a million walls that she would never be able to scale by herself. It would be easier to go home and just...be done with it. He could be her doctor and Hailey's pediatrician but that could be it. Except every inch of her was screaming that t was impossible for this to just end like this, and her journalist brain was screaming question after question. She was curious and scared and sad and putting one foot in front of the other just felt beyond hard.

But before she was even aware she was going to do it, she found herself inside Derek's house and she took a deep breath to steady herself. "Derek?" She called softly. She walked past the desk Derek never let her pause at and then down the hall towards his bedroom. "Derek?"

"Go away," he answered, his voice rough.

"That...that isn't an option right now," she insisted as she opened his bedroom door. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, his feet firmly planted on the floor as he sucked in a tight breath. His eyes were red but the shaking had mostly stopped and she took a tentative step towards him.

"Meredith, go away," he repeated as he stared at his trembling fingers.

"No," she shook her head. "You promised me I would get to know you, that you wouldn't hide. So no hiding."

"This...no," he shook his head as he stood. "Go home."

"I'm not going home, Derek."

"I said go home!" Derek shouted. "I left you out there for a reason. Take a fucking hint."

"You don't get to yell at me, Derek," Meredith insisted as she followed him down his hallway. His entire house felt too small but she wasn't leaving. No matter what he said, she wasn't leaving. "I don know why you yelled at your parents like that but I am not them and I didn't do anything wrong. So no, you don't get to yell at me. I don't deserve that and I don't deserve to be pushed away either so I am not leaving."

"I..." he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. His entire face looked different, like it was falling apart and all he could do was give into it. It was devastating to watch and she didn't know what to do besides reach out to try to squeeze his hand three times. He flinched at her touch, pulling back from her as he turned to walk towards his living room.

"Who are Noah and Melanie?" She asked from behind him. He froze immediately, his shoulders tensing as he sucked in a desperate breath.

"They...they told..."

"No," she shook her head. "But they thought I knew everything and they asked. And I have tried to be patient with you, Derek, I have. Neither of us are perfect and we both have big suitcases here. But your suitcase is twenty years old and you refuse to open it for anyone. So I thought...I thought you told me the big thing. I don't...I don't totally understand what you're doing after twenty years but I thought...and I was going to be patient."

"You need to leave," he whispered. "Now."

"Okay, well we both know that isn't happening so you can stop saying that," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"They...they're none of your business," Derek hissed, turning back to her. There were tears in his eyes, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, and he stumbled slightly as he took a step towards her.

"Bullshit," she shook her head. "I am dating you or whatever. You said you wanted me to have a place in your life well...this is me demanding my spot. I'm not carving it, Derek, I can bulldoze it instead. You...you want to be in my daughter's life and I am not going to have her be hurt by something I could have prevented. So. Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"I take it back," he shot back. "I take it back. This...Oakbrook Falls and being...this has been good for eighteen years. You're the one who came falling into my life. And you know what? You're right to protect Hailey from me, Meredith. I should have protected both of you but I...so protect her. Leave."

"I am not leaving," Meredith insisted, cradling her belly as she moved closer to him. "Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"Meredith! Leave!"

"Who are Noah and Melanie?" She demanded again. His body was tight with emotions she wasn't sure he would even be able to name if he wanted to, but right now it seemed like anger and sadness. She grabbed his arm and forced him to turn back to her as he struggled. "Who are they, Derek? What do they have to do with the accident and why did your mom say to your dad that I need to know what to watch for? What the hell is going on?"

"Stop," he pleaded. "Just go. Leave. Please."

"Don't make me dig," she threatened. "I can...even an accident from twenty years ago...there will be information. Don't make me..."

"Fuck!" Derek hissed as he suddenly grabbed her wrist. "You want to know who Noah and Melanie are? You really want to know...fuck, Meredith." He pulled on her wrist, practically dragging her to the desk as he opened it and pulled out a handful of pictures before slamming them down on the desk, making her jump. "Do you want to know?"

"Derek..." Meredith breathed as she glanced down at the photos. It was a family photograph, one of the cheesy ones people used to do at a Sears or whatever, but it wasn't the Shepherds. The man who was grinning proudly wasn't Mike Shepherd, but a man with thinning blonde hair, his arm wrapped tightly around a curvy woman with light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. And then there were three kids. A young man with a goofy grin, pulling at his sister's light brown hair while the younger sister, who looked like a teenager still, pulled a ridiculous face at the camera. "Who..."

"Noah," Derek pointed violently at the young man, "he was Alison's older brother. He was decapitated in the accident. They found his head outside the car."

"Oh god..." Meredith breathed, suddenly feeling sick.

"Melanie," he continued as his finger landed on the youngest girl. "The airbag crushed her face, pushing bone fragments into her brain. She died en route to the hospital and her parents barely recognized her when they went to identify her. They...they couldn't even recognize their baby girl."

"Derek, stop," she whispered as his fingers tightened around her wrist.

"Alison," his voice broke as he pointed to his fiancée. "The doctors told her parents there was nothing they could do. Her entire body...they wouldn't let me go into her room or go to her funeral. They..." He paused and took a deep breath before moving his shaking finger to the older man. "Ed. He died a year later from a heart attack. He ran every day, was a vegetarian...never smoked or drank. His doctors called it broken heart syndrome."

"That...Derek," she murmured as she swallowed back the vomit that rose in her throat.

"And Lori," Derek finished as he pointed to the woman. "Breast cancer three years later. She didn't even try to fight it. Her doctors gave her three months without treatment, she died a week later. She didn't even fucking try."

"That..."

"Do you get it now?" He asked as he lifted the photo and all but shoved it in her face. "Does it make sense now? Is that good enough scoop? The town doctor murdered an entire fucking family twenty years ago. An entire fucking family wiped out because I left my fucking wallet at work!"

"That wasn't your fault, Derek," she whispered through the nausea.

"Do not try to minimize this, Meredith," he shook his head as tears poured down his cheeks. "Do not...do not patronize me with platitudes. You wanted to know...now you know. Do you really want a murderer in your daughter's life?"

"But, Derek," she started, trying to find some kind of coherent thought as she stared at the photos on the desk. Noah and Alison on Christmas morning, wearing matching sweaters. Alison, Noah, and Melanie at the younger girl's graduation. Melanie and her big sister laughing at the camera. Even a torn photo of Alison and her sister and just the hint of Derek's arm wrapped around them.

"I murdered them," Derek insisted, slamming his hand down hard on the pictures. "I fucking murdered them twenty years ago."

"That's...god, Derek, it was...a horrible accident," she whispered as she felt a tear slip down her cheek.

"I need to go," he whispered. He pulled back from her, sucking in a breath. "I...just go, okay? Just...don't do this to yourself. Or her."

"You...Derek, don't," she whispered as he reached for his jacket. "Let's just...don't."

"I can't...Meredith, I can't add more lives to my list, okay?" He shook his head. "You got your information. Now you know what I did that night. What my actions did for years after. Just...go. Please. Go."

"Oh," she breathed as she stared down at the happy picture of the family that had been wiped out in one night. She couldn't imagine the pain Ed and Lori had experienced, how much it had broken them to know all three of their kids had died while Derek had lived. She felt Hailey kick inside her and she ran her fingers over her belly before nodding and turning to the door. She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't know how to make him feel less guilty or make him feel better. For twenty years, he had carried this deep inside himself. She had no idea how long it had taken until it was small enough to fit in a suitcase but now she felt like it had exploded again and she had no idea what her place was in all this. "Derek."

"Don't," he insisted. "This...it's too big of a suitcase. I knew it would be. Don't feel...it's okay. Just go."

"Okay," she whispered, turning to look at him just as he closed the door in her face. He didn't slam it, but it felt like he had and she sucked in a tight breath to try to clear her mind. There were more questions, a lot more, but all her brain could focus on was the details of the accident, of what Derek had carried. She hadn't understood his grief, not really, but there was more to this than grief. There was violence and trauma, the kind of trauma that destroyed a person and suddenly, it all made sense. Derek's desperation for routine was probably the only way he had ever learned to deal with seeing his decapitated future brother-in-law.

He hadn't been able to say goodbye, he hadn't been able to get the closure for that chapter of his life. It had been violently torn away from him and she understood the urgent hide from it all, if only because she wasn't sure she'd be able to face the world if it was her. Derek,# entire life had been destroyed in a minute, and he had blamed for the destruction wrought on everyone else involved. It was heartbreaking and tragic and it meant the suitcase was bigger than she could have ever imagined, and she wasn't sure if she and Hailey were going to be able to help him unpack it, or if it was better to just walk away and not look back, no matter how much it hurt.

But all I see is a storm that you'll get lost in

Author's Note: I am so so sorry for how long this update has taken. January was a really rough month for me physically and emotionally and I knew this update would take too much out of me when I had so little to give. Thank you all for your patience and support and I promise a month long hiatus won't be the norm! -KT