Disclaimer: I don't own RvB.
Episode 23: We All Live in a Teleporter World
Tucker groaned. Everything hurt. "Ah. You're alive," a strange voice said.
"Ugh. Hurts. Just let me die," Tucker moaned.
"Black already treated you," the voice said. Tucker paused, thinking that over. He did feel a bit better than he thought he would, without medical attention.
"Who's... Black?" he asked. The stranger sighed and Tucker though he heard him crouch down to his level.
"Agent Black," the visitor said. Tucker's eyes flew open, to find a burgundy helmet with a gray stripe down the center and a gray visor staring at him.
"How do you see with that thing?" he asked, deciding to leave the question of how he knew the Agent Black for another time. The visitor, whom he was going to call Burgundy, chuckled.
"Same way you do," he said.
"But it's gray!" Tucker protested, "if you see the same way I do, then the HUD is off!"
"Different wiring," Burgundy said with a shrug.
"You're a real talkative guy, aren't you?" Tucker pondered. Burgundy tilted his head and Tucker had a feeling the crazy guy was smiling.
"When I feel like it. Yes," he said.
"You got a name?"
"Agent Burgundy," the man said, holding out a hand. Tucker smirked.
"Private Tucker," he said, taking the hand. He found himself hauled to his feet by the Agent.
"You're..." began Burgundy, before he cut himself off with a jerk and brought his hand up to his radio. "Sure do Maroon. What's the deal? You wouldn't be calling if things were going..." he said, but whoever this 'Maroon' guy was must have cut him off because Burgundy froze for a moment before snapping, "Black Alert," and cutting the transmission. "Your friends are in trouble. Go to Red Base. Now!" Burgundy ordered, already running goodness knew where. Tucker shrugged and went on over to Red Base.
/*/
Sarge, still in Standard Mode, was trying to contact anyone. Once it was clear he wasn't reaching anyone, he turned to Caboose. "Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow," he said.
"My toes... are getting pruny," Caboose said.
"O... kay," Sarge said, wondering why he was the one stuck with the idiot Blue, "why don't we try ta find O'Malley," he suggested, running away from Caboose.
"I know where you can find O'Malley," the other solider said seriously, "he lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates." If it hadn't been such an outrageous idea, Sarge would have believed Caboose. He sounded far more sane and... together... than usual. Aside from the crazy idea of a mad A.I. leaving a return address.
"Sounds like he took some of the furniture with him. And the carpet. And the drapes. I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean," the man remarked. Caboose didn't seem to hear him as he ran past. Sarge followed the Blue, only to find the local base... in front of which was a bloody Blue laying face down on the blood soaked dirt. Caboose, of course, reacted to this with his usual childishness.
"Look Sarge! A sleeping person!" Sarge looked around, remarking,
"What?" Then he realized who Caboose was talking about and ran toward the Blue saying, "Holy macaroon!" He reached the body and swiftly crouched, reaching out to test for a pulse. Feeling none, even after the count of five, Sarge felt cold dread well up in his chest. "He's not sleeping, son," he said as he stood, almost absentmindedly checking his shotgun, "he's dead."
"Oh good," Caboose said, causing Sarge to pivot toward him in shock. "At first, I thought that was me. Because, I am Blue. And, I like to sleep. But if he is dead that... cannot be me. That would be silly." Sarge shook his head and choose to ignore the... Caboosism.
"No doubt he was killed by our very enemy! Once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less Blue in the universe... but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me!" he ranted, "and that just won't do. No sir," he finished, facing the entry ramp. He looked down at the dead solider as Caboose once again ran past him. "Rest in peace... scumbag," the Red felt obligated to say. From around the corner, Caboose called,
"Sargent! Look! More sleeping people!" Sarge ran around and saw a field of carnage, Reds and Blues strewn across blood soaked dirt, spent shell casings and bullet holes littering the site of what had to have been a Last Stand. Caboose, of course, wasn't done making light of the situation though. "It must be nap time." Sarge idly wondered if the Blue's nose didn't work quite right. The stench of spilt blood and burnt gunpowder was so heavy in the air, the grizzled soldier could almost taste it. "But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!" Crazy idiot actually sounded mildly offended.
"What the Samuel Hill Slinky happened here?!" Sarge yelled. A little voice, which sounded suspiciously like Marley, whispered, 'Samuel Hill Slinky? How do you come up with these things?' Sarge ruthlessly squashed that voice. It was always extremely annoying. Much like the real Marley. Huh. Go figure right? "It must have been an enormous battle," Sarge decided. "Hello! Are there any survivors?! Preferably Red survivors?! But don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're a Blue! I won't step on yer neck or anything like that!" he yelled. Caboose turned to the Sargent slowly.
"Am I allowed to answer?" he asked. Sarge felt a flare of annoyance at the Blue, but held back from discharging his weapon into his head. When stranded in unfamiliar and likely hostile environments, it was best to keep as many of your comrades alive as possible and make use of available resources. Fortunately for Caboose, he fit both those categories. Thus, he was firmly in the 'need alive and functioning' category. So, Sarge simply gave a sharp 'shush' and went on. That was when the sound of trumpets playing could faintly be heard.
"You hear that?" the Red asked.
"Yes. That noise is called 'water.' It is very wet, and very slushy," the Blue responded. If Sarge hadn't known better he'd have thought the boy was mocking him.
"No, I was talking about the trumpet, Bluetard," he said blandly. Seriously, of all the people he could have been stranded with, it had to be Caboose. Heck, even Grif would have been preferable! At least he could pretend to know what was going on!
"I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason," Caboose said. Sarge decided to block him out, focusing more on where he'd heard that tune before. The music grew clearer and recognition flared in the veteran soldier's mind.
"Wait a minute. I know that song! It's reveille!" he said. "But why would someone be playing reveille in the middle of... ?" Sarge began, only to be cut off by the previously dead Reds and Blues leaping up with loud cheers, the smell of gun smoke and blood vanishing. "Sweet jibbly jiblets!" Sarge remarked.
"Running time!" Caboose called in a slightly nervous tone. All the Reds and Blues got up and started running, each letting out a 'hut' or 'hey' sound as they scrambled for their respective bases in almost orderly lines. The Blues hopped down their inverted ramp into their base, shouting out things like 'high jump' and 'ho!' while the Reds ran into their ground level door shouting 'hey ho.' This, of course, left Caboose and Sarge standing in their original positions, staring after them in shock.
"What just happened here?" Sarge asked no-one in particular. Of course, being the only other person around, Caboose felt compelled to answer.
"I think all the sleeping people were trying..." he began before getting cut off with a swift,
"That was rhetorical!" from Sarge. Of course, this still left the questions of 'what just happened?' and 'what do we do now?' Two very important questions. Luckily, Sarge had an answer to the second question. He ran to the blue Base, which was closest, and noticed a high, large, window. He called his companion over and asked for a boost. In hindsight, he really should have been a bit more detailed than just, "Caboose! Get over here and give me a boost!" That boy was far too... wait. He couldn't really call him 'literal' seeing as he'd gone for a morale boost. Or was that literal? Eh whatever. Sarge swiftly set the Blue straight. Or tried to. "Not a morale boost you moron! A physical one! I need to see what's going on in that window!" Caboose looked up at said window, then back at Sarge.
"That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough," he said.
"I know!" Sarge ground out, annoyed. "I need you to help me look through it."
"I don't think I am tall enough either," Caboose said. Sarge would have been ready to tear his hair out if he hadn't been wearing a full face helmet. As it was, he just really wanted to shoot something. Preferably something Blue. "Also, my head is round. That window is square." Oh, how Sarge wanted to shoot this idiot. Instead, he growled out,
"Come here you," and hoisted the other solider into the air so he could look through the window. Sarge could vaguely hear, 'I wanna kill me a Red!' over Caboose's exclamation of surprise. "What'da see?" the Red grunted, taking care to balance the Blue as he looked around. It wouldn't do if he fell on him, now would it?
"I see... a room," Caboose relayed. Sarge rolled his eyes.
"What's in the room?" he asked, reminding himself he needed the Blue idiot's help.
"There are some walls... and some ceilings. Wait! Just one ceiling," Caboose said. It was getting really hard for Sarge to remember he needed this guy.
"What's making all that racquet?" Caboose paused for a moment and Sarge heard the Blues inside begin chanting the same thing. He only caught a few words, such as 'kill' and 'Reds.'
"You are not going to like it," Caboose said... solemnly? Or... as solemnly as he could. Sarge sighed and dropped Caboose, making sure to move out of his landing zone.
"Caboose, I have a very bad feeling about..." he began, only to be interrupted by trumpets. The Reds and Blues rushed out of their bases, screaming with guns blazing, and commenced the killing. High-pitched screams, frantic yelling, bullets, and glowing needles filled the air with utter confusion. "Come on Caboose! We gotta get to higher ground!" Sarge yelled, peaking around the corner of Blue Base at the chaos unfolding. Taking advantage of a momentary reload-aiming, Sarge lead the Blue Idiot to the cliff side, where they found a convenient ladder to the ridge line. From there, they looked down on the Reds and Blues who were doing what they had been assigned to do but didn't care enough to actually do... meaning kill each other senselessly while screaming insults.
"Sarge... I am scared of our new friends," Caboose said softly, staring at the craziness. Before Sarge could really reply to that, the trumpets started up again.
"What in...? What now!" he yelled. Just then, a Red ran out of the Blue Base with the Blue Flag.
"Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Everyone stop fighting!" he yelled in a high-pitched, and rather fast, voice. Surprisingly, after shooting him a few times, the others did just that. "Every one! Every one! Look unto me! I possess the Blue Flag!"
"It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!" another Red, who sounded remarkably like Simmons, said as he lowered his gun. The other Red didn't seem to care much and continued to yell, waving the flag about semi-randomly,
"I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a god!" That was when the Blues decided 'enough of this idiot' and swarmed him. "I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!" the Red who had, for a brief moment, captured the flag yelled as he lay dying. The other Reds and Blues looked at each other, then the dead Red, than back to each other... then recommenced the yelling of insults and the barrage of bullets. One Red pulled off a semi-assassination, then got killed by a Head Shot from the sniper on the ridge, who got killed by a rocket from Red Base, who got cussed at by the falling Blue sniper, and that was where Sarge lost track. He wasn't too sure Caboose had even had track. Then, when there were only one of each side, Sarge could keep track again. But...
"Hey! Blue! We're the only ones left! Why don't we work together?!"
"What do you mean?!"
"I'm coming out!"
"Okay, so am I!" The two met in the river. "What did you mean about working together?" The Red clubbed him in the head with his sniper rifle and laughed.
"I hit you with my rifle and you die! Good teamwork you n00b!" the Red said, then turned to the canyon at large and yelled, "Good game everybody! Good game!" before dying himself. A moment of silence and then...
"I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw or what this place is or where in the heck O'Mally is. My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan," Sarge remarked, staring out over the field of carnage. "Stupid, stupid Grif."
"I am confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to do. Church can handle this. He can handle anything!" Caboose lamented, Sarge simply staring in shocked awe of how stupid the Blue was.
/*/
Meanwhile, at Sidewinder, Church was lamenting his fate, stuck in a jail cell with Gr... no. Orange. Though, at least the guy who had locked them up had woken up. Sadly, he was staying far away from the bars and almost out of hearing range. Creepy laughter from the guy who basically told you you'd be dying soon before bashing your head into solid metal bars tends to do that to a guy. Still, Church could yell at him. It made him feel better, if only just a little. "Hey idiot, for the last time, let me out of this gosh darn jail cell!" the Blue roared. Orange groaned, rolling his head.
"Please. Just open the door. It'll save a whole lot of pain in the long run. Trust me," he said, finally directing his visor toward the lone guard, who was going to need some serious therapy if he didn't end up dead from some inexplicable event that no-one could have foreseen. The poor idiot shivered as he felt those hidden eyes lock onto his back. Oh, how he wished he could open the door just to get away from that flat stare! And how had that guy gotten different armor? It should have been impossible! "Ugh. Who's plan was this again? Oi. Church. Remind me to shoot the idiot who thought this up in the groin with a round of lock-down paint when we all meet up again," Orange moaned. Church shivered this time. Man, this guy was way more intimidating than he had ever given him credit for.
/*/
Maroon, on the other hand, was fiddling with another teleporter, trying to lock onto the one member of their team he hadn't pinged. "Come on! I just need to wire this thing into that, and then maybe I can signal boost on that thing there... I might just be able to get that to work," he muttered as he worked on Random Teleporter Number 7. Suddenly, he saw Sarge and Caboose standing back to back, shooting at someone he couldn't see.
"Caboose! Caboose! Keep them away from me!" Sarge yelled, popping more ammo into his shot gun. "Get that one! And that one! No no! The one with the limp! Get 'em!" Maroon smirked.
"Found you~!" he sang with glee. "Now, to lock onto your location and broadcast to your helmet. Shouldn't be long now."
"I don't want to kill! But, I don't want to die even more," Caboose said, reloading his assault rifle.
"Come in, come in, can you hear me?" Maroon asked loudly as he slotted the last wire into place.
"Yes. I hear you Mr. Sargent," Caboose said, slowly turning toward Sarge, who was pistol whipping a random Blue in the face.
"I didn't say anything!" the Sargent said, then turned to Caboose. "We need to break this unending cycle of attack and retaliation! Either by a, convincing the two sides to live in peace, or b, by getting ourselves completely involved and kicking some serious kiester! I vote b."
"I have a plan Sargent," Caboose said, standing to the side of Blue Base, where bullet holes lined up to spell 'CABOSE,' "but we will have to move quick!" He came closer and whispered, 'whisper whisper whisper' before backing up and asking, "Do you think that will work?" The connection fizzed out and Maroon bit back a curse.
"Well darn. Back to fiddling. Joy," he groused, getting back to work. Seeing as he didn't want to explicitly show that he was Agent Maroon, he switched his armor to standard mode. It didn't really affect his work all that much, so it didn't matter which version of his armor he wore.
/*/
On the other side of the teleporter, Sarge was staring at Caboose, incredulous. "All you said was 'whisper whisper whisper'!" he half shouted.
"I know. I just wanted to be the one with a plan for once," Caboose admitted. Sarge sighed heavily.
"Right. Come on. I have an idea," he said, leading the Blue into the Blue Base. He grabbed the flag and turned back to the Blue. "Now for the Red Flag," he said. Caboose nodded, acting like he understood the plan, and exited the base. Once they had both flags, they went back up on the ridge, and waited.
/*/
The Reds of Battle Creek were psyching themselves up for another round of senseless killing that wasn't permanent... for some reason. Overlapping, high-pitched, excited chatter filled the main room of the base. Common phrases were, 'kill the blues,' 'Yeah!' and 'get the flag.' Finally, one Red with a large rifle shouted, "We must protect this house!" The others echoed him. This repeated once and then the Red shouted, "This is our house!" before another guy asked,
"Hey guys? Where's our Flag?" Cue round of gasps as Red soldiers turn around.
"The Flag is gone?" Oh. And incredulous/shocked/stunned/disbelieving statements of fact framed as questions. Can't forget those. Only natural in such situations.
"What will we do?" Getting the flag back comes to mind. Or, ya know, kicking back and watching the latest Grifball game. That's always an option.
"If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost and the world as we know it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly! These are the end of times! Repent! Repent!" Okay. Seriously? A religion based on... okay. You, sir, have been in that science defying canyon for far too long. Look! Even the rest of your team is staring at you like you've truly lost it!
"This sucks. I'm leaving!" the guy with the needler complained. THANK YOU, NAMELESS NEEDLER WEILDING RED! I SALUTE YOU! Wait. Where were we?
"Yeah." Couldn't have said it better myself, Rocket Launcher Guy. Couldn't have said it better. So! After that bout of nonsense, the Reds and Blues rushed out... er... straggled out and half-heartedly lined up facing each other, lacking any and all enthusiasm.
"Oh Blue Team! Look what I have!" Sarge yelled from the ridge. The blues looked up to see some weird Red guy on the cliff... waving their flag at them. Okay. Now, he really had their attention.
"Oh Blue Team! Look what... oh wait. I messed up my line. Let's start over," Caboose said. The Red Team still looked up, but only because they were wondering why Blue Team had two things that should be captured.
"They have our flag!" a random Red guy said.
"No they don't, they have our flag!" a random Blue guy countered.
"Listen you morons," Sarge began, calling attention back to the one soldier in the canyon with half a brain, "yer gonna have to work for us now."
"What's in it for us?!" asked Random Red Guy.
"Help us get out of here, and we'll give you back your flags. Then you can go back to senselessly killing yerselves," Sarge said.
"Deal! Ha, sucker!" Random Red Guy yelled, clearly thinking he'd pulled some sort of double cross, when he hadn't even had a cross to pull. Wait...
"Wait. Why don't we just kill you guys and take our flags back?" Random Blue Guy yelled. Sarge grimaced. Trust a Blue to turn the tables on him. Darn dirty Blues! They were almost as pesky as Grunts! Evil little goblin gnomes!
"Hum. Yeah!" Random Red Guy Number Two yelled. Then someone shot Random Blue Guy and another Red Guy shouted,
"Oh you got owned! Nice shot! Owned man!" And just like that, the Battle Creek bloodbath was back on in full force, Sarge and Caboose forgotten on the ridge.
"Caboose," Sarge said, turning to the Blue Marley had been muttering about running brain scans on for the past six months, "I give up."
"Wait," Caboose said, and Sarge wondered if he should take the idiot seriously. Marley rarely ran brain scans without good reason. She'd said as much when she refused his request to scan Grif. "I can make them listen. I can beat them!" Sarge quirked an eyebrow. Really? Where was this Red beating power back in Blood Gulch huh?
"Son... what are ya talking about?" he asked, fighting to keep his voice calm in the face of even more insanity than what he faced in Blood Gulch itself.
"O'Malley taught me how to be mean," Caboose said, and Sarge just knew this would end in tears. Didn't matter whose, it'd just end with tears. And maybe some blood. "I just have to concentrate on bad things! Like... milk! No wait. Red... red-bull!"
"Son, I think you've really lost it," Sarge said solemnly, just barely resisting laying a hand on Caboose's shoulder. "O'Malley's not in yer head anymore! He infected the Doc!"
"No! I can still feel him! I just need to get angry and say mean things! Like... uh? Your brain is a mountain of hatred!" Caboose maintained, voice strained as he concentrated on being mean. Sarge could only stare on in shock. The little Marley voice in his head said,
'Don't think too hard there buddy, ya might hurt yourself.'
"I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif. But here it is," Sarge said. Then a little Grif voice popped up and said,
'Aw~! Look at that! Red does care!' Wait... was that Grif... or Dex? It sounded like Grif's voice, but it was something Dex would say! And he used his Agent name! What?!
"Now I am thinking about kittens! Gah, kittens that are covered in spikes! That makes me angry! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Caboose said, his voice going a bit deeper as he yelled before suddenly he jumped off the ridge and slowly stood up. Sarge quirked an eyebrow and watched. "My name is Micheal J. Caboose! And I hate BABIES!" the Blue declared dramatically. Sarge's eyebrow jumped just a little higher. The heck?
"It's the Beast! The Anti-Flag! Come to live among us and rules us for seven years! The end is nigh!" the religious nut yelled, right before Caboose pistol whipped him the fudge out. Sarge couldn't help the 'Ooh!' that came out at the hit. Who knew Caboose was strong enough to knock a Spartan out with one hit? Caboose then pistol whipped two more people unconscious before picking up a sniper rifle and taking out another three in a row.
"Huh. Grif was right. A swift pistol whip to the face does wonders. And I cannot believe I just said that," Sarge muttered, watching the carnage down below.
"Sarge! Caboose! Can you hear me!" Simmons' voice said. Sarge turned and saw a green figure hovering above the rock.
"Simmons? How long have you been there?"
"Behind the teleporter or behind you? Gonna need to be a little more specific there boss man," the green figure said. Sarge could have sworn he was smirking. What the heck?! Was the world falling apart?!
"Doesn't matter. Where are you and can you get me and Caboose out?" Sarge barked out.
/*/
Maroon rolled his eyes at his CO's brash demeanor, but decided that it was better to work now, question later. "Get to the teleporter, I'll take care of the rest," he said, then disconnected the comm and set to work locking onto the co-ordinates. It was only a few minutes later when Sarge's voice was yelling at him again.
"Hurry up Simmons!"
"Is that reveille? Where... ? Never mind. Get through now! I'm not sure how long it'll hold! These things are junk!" Maroon asked, then shook his head and stepped out of the way. Sarge barreled through, then Caboose. "Well! Thank you for flying Teleporter Maroon! Do be sure to tip your flight attendant and leave a review on our website," he quipped.
"Efficient as always Simmons, but I'll have to dock you a merit for the poor attempt at humor!" Sarge countered. Maroon sighed.
"Yeah sure. Whatever. Not like I saved you from some whacked out battlefield or anything," he muttered darkly, turning away and contacting Burgundy. "Hey! Eagle Eyes in the sky! Hows things?"
"Maroon. SAVE ME!" Burgundy yelled back. Maroon winced at the volume... and the fact that he could feel Sarge's eyes boring into his back.
"Woah woah! Calm down! Save you? From what?"
"TEX! Oh and also... Tucker. Not to forget the GAINT KILLER TANK!"
"Easy sniper boy. The killer tank's killer personality is in the teleporter nexus with..." Maroon said, only to stop when he heard Caboose say,
"What happened? The last thing I remember was some very mean kittens! And then we were in this janitor's closet! And my throat hurts. A lot." Shaking his head, Maroon told Burgundy that he'd call him back in a bit.
"Do me one better and get me outta here Maroon!" the sniper yelled just before the connection cut.
"Okay. I missed something. Spill," Maroon said, crossing his arms and leaning back on his left leg, leaving his right ready to attack. Oh, and he had knives strapped to his biceps. Very important detail there.
"Simmons... I have absolutely no idea where it was I just came from," Sarge said. Maroon nodded.
"Duly noted. What about Caboose? What's his deal?" Sarge just stared at him, willing the soldier to feel the weight of the stupidity loaded into the question. "His current deal," he corrected with a nod.
"He... uh... managed to pull an O'Malley without O'Malley," Sarge said. Maroon blinked.
"He what?"
"He actually had me missing Grif for a moment!" Sarge wailed. Maroon blinked again and walked off.
"You're not the only one missing our weapons expert, Red," he muttered, then contacted Burgundy. "Hey. Double checking that your teleporter will bring you to me. Should be ready for you and your group to cross over in five minutes," he said.
"Awesome. See you then," Burgundy said before cutting connection. Maroon chuckled, shaking his head. When Frank was in full Burgundy mode, he was truly a man of few words.
/*/
Meanwhile, in some evil lair, O'Malley was laughing. "Well, my metallic friend, your modifications are complete! And my plans are coming to furition! Furtion?"
"Fruition," Lopez supplied in bland English. He still hadn't managed to get himself to stop speaking in Spanish. He theorized that it was trauma based. Never mind the fact he wasn't, exactly, an A.I and that even if he were... oh wait. A.I.s could receive mental trauma. Yeah, it was definitely trauma related. Stupid Blue team, traumatizing him into permanent Spanish mode!
"Oh shut up!" O'Malley barked, turning to Lopez. The robot gave him his best flat glare. It looked like everyone elses, due to the helmets, but hey, A for effort. Say, shouldn't the saying be 'e for effort' since effort starts with an 'e' not an 'a'? Just a thought.
"Yes, master. Your plan is foolproof," the robot droned, though O'Malley only understood 'excellent' and 'yes.' Eh, it worked.
"Now to gather my enemies!" the A.I declared, and called Vic. He got voice mail. "Vic! Pick up, it's me!" he demanded.
"Oh hey! Doctor Breter von Evildude! What's up?" Vic asked.
"Don't screen my calls Vic."
"Dude, you don't show up on caller ID! I'm not gunna answer..."
"Caller ID? I'm in hiding you buffoon!" O'Malley raged. "I'm trying to take over the universe!"
"We're also on the 'do not call' list!" Doc put in 'helpfully.'
"Oh shut up," O'Malley told the man whose body he'd highjacked.
"So how's that plot going dude?" Vic asked, ignoring the split personality.
"Magnificent! Mawhahahahah! I've called my bounty hunter in! He'll take care of your little 'Red and Blue' problem post haste! Mwahahaha!" O'Malley answered.
"Oh cool! Thanks for turning that around so quick dude. I know you're swamped."
"Then the universe will be mine! And I'll crush every living soul into dust! Ah-hahahahaha!" O'Malley said, then paused for a moment before adding, "Except for you of course Vic. I'll make you assistant crusher."
"Okay dude. Looking forward to that," Vic said, sounding as though he could think of a million things more appealing that being assistant crusher of the universe. Truly, the dry sarcasm in his voice could have dried up a lake. It was that dry. And biting. But O'Malley didn't seem to catch it. Which was good for Vic. Even if he was a VI, O'Malley would have hunted him down. Eventually. With a rocket launcher.
/*/
Back at the teleporter nexus, Maroon was greeting Burgundy, Tucker, and Tex. "Nice of you to join the party," he said. Burgundy snorted and stalked off to a higher walk-way. Maroon shook his head. "Wow. You guys must have really gotten on his last nerve. Usually he'll at least make a grunty noise!" he said to Tex, who had just walked through. Before she could say anything, Tucker came through. Covered in black stuff that smelled like tar.
"Oooowwww carp!" the Blue yelled in pain
"What's that on your armor?" Maroon asked.
"Wait... just me? What the fudge?" Tucker exclaimed. Maroon rolled his eyes.
"Moving on. What did you do to Burgundy? He didn't even nod at me when he came through!" he also exclaimed.
"Dude... you know Agent Burgundy?" Tucker asked. Maroon snorted while Sarge came up behind.
"Sure I do. We trained together," the IT specialist remarked.
"Simmons?" Sarge asked.
"Right! Well, as this party demonstrated rather handily, these teleporters should take us wherever we want or need to go. It's all a matter of shifting the exit coordinates," Maroon redirected quickly. This was one conversation, he didn't need to be having.
"Looked more like you shifted the entry coordinates to me," Sarge countered.
"Sarge... who's the IT guy around here?" Cue explosive sigh.
"You."
"And what did I say it was?" Simmons prompted, twirling a finger at his CO in a rather condescending manner. Sarge's head drooped.
"Shifting the exit coordinates," he replied.
"That's right," Maroon said with a swift nod, standing back straight and crossing his arms. "And what the IT guy says, goes. At least when it comes to tech."
"So. Any idea which go where?" Sarge asked, looking around and eager to change the subject. Maroon sighed.
"Doesn't matter. I can reprogram them to take us anywhere. I could just as easily use the one you came through," he said, waving vaguely in the direction Caboose had just come from.
"DON'T USE THAT ONE!" Sarge yelled, causing Maroon and Burgundy to chuckle.
"Panicked Sarge is panicked," Burgundy said, laughter still coloring his voice.
"Sure is, Burgundy buddy. Sure is," Maroon remarked with the same light tone.
/*/
Sarge had just about had enough of this Simmons imposter. Who seemed a lot like Maroon. Grasping for some form of control, contrived or otherwise, he said, "Well, to reprogram, you need coordinates right? Any way you can contact the others?" Just then, Vic contacted him.
"Come in Sargent dude. Sargent dude, are you there?"
"Vic?" he asked, confused. Why would Vic be calling?
"Got some big news for ya dude," Vic said. "The Blues are up to no good! One of 'em, think his name was Tucker, is making up crazy conspiracies about Red and Blue. Don't believe him! He's a lying Blue."
"What!? Why that... Understood Vic. I'll let my men know, ASAP!" Sarge said, and the connection was cut.
"What was that about, Red?" Simmons asked.
"Son... just what are you tying to do?" Sarge asked, bringing his shotgun to bear on Tucker.
"Gah! What?! Nothing! I just want to find my friend!" Tucker exclaimed. A high speed sniper round impacted the floor by Sarge's feet.
"I'd think carefully, Red. Black patched this guy up once already," Burgundy said warningly. Sarge looked up in shock. Burgundy recognized him? And Black had treated a Blue?
"What's going on?" Caboose asked.
"Tucker's been tagged. Someone's hired a Freelancer to take you out Tucker," Tex revealed. "Any idea why?"
"I can't say," Tucker said, going for mysterious.
"Keeping secrets? I find that attractive," Tex said. Sarge had a feeling she was smirking under that helmet.
"You do?!" Tucker asked, excited.
"In attractive people, yeah," Tex shot back. Burgundy chuckled.
"Burn," he said with a laugh. Simmons nodded.
"You got owned man. Owned," he said. Refocusing, Burgundy looked toward the Freelancer in the room.
"Who?" he asked. And somehow, Tex knew exactly what he was asking.
"A guy I know from training. Name's Wyoming," she answered. Tucker laughed.
"Finally! A name dumber than Doughnut!" he exclaimed.
"Hey!" Burgundy barked at him. He got a flat look in return before he sighed. "Yeah. Okay," he said, lowering his head. This, of course, got Sarge all kinds of freaked out.
"DOUGHNUT?!" he yelled. Burgundy chuckled and took off his helmet.
"You were bound to find out sometime. Dex and Rick already know," he said, grinning down at his CO, favorite Blood Gulch rifle across his lap.
"But... but... that would mean..." Sarge sputtered. Eagle Eye rolled his eyes at his floundering CO.
"Rick, wanna help me out here man?" he asked, turning to the Maroon Agent in the room. Sarge watched as Simmons raised his hands, then clearly said,
"Agent mode," and shifted into the familiar gray streaked maroon armor with the all too familiar gray visor. "Hey Red. Do you see it now? Or is the illusion still too strong?" Agent Maroon asked. Red shook his head.
"I should have known it was you as soon as you started sassing me," he said. Maroon snorted.
"Nah~! You should have known it was me when I started going by 'Rick'!" he countered. Red froze.
"Then... Dex is... ?" he asked, dread growing in his stomach. Maroon chuckled. It wasn't a pleasant sound.
"Oh, Dex has got a whole lot of payback stored up for you, Red. Once he finds out you know, the kid gloves are off!" he said, voice filled with dark glee.
"Okay. Would someone please explain what is going on here?" Tucker asked, staring at the two Red Agents in confusion. Maroon chuckled again, pulling out a knife.
"Tucker, the world as you know it would crumble into nothingness if we filled you in all at once. Best you do it in stages," he said. Eagle Eye shook his head.
"Back to Tucker being tagged please! Tex, anything else you'd like to tell us about this Wyoming character?" he asked, looking toward the aforementioned woman.
"Everyone in the division was paired with an A.I. and codenamed after a state," she said.
"Beats being named after your armor. Poor Orange," Rick said, shaking his head.
"One for each state? So, there's fifty of you?" Tucker asked, just to be sure.
"Forty-nine, remember?" Tex countered.
"Oh! Yeah. That's right. Man, poor Florida," Tucker said. Eagle snorted and Rick barked out a short laugh. "What?"
"We should introduce you to Flowdie some time," Eagle said, swinging his left leg idly off the edge of his walkway.
"Why?" Tex asked, wary.
"Well... he once told me he was a Freelancer," Eagle began, then passed it off to Rick.
"I asked him what his codename was before Hippie, and he told me, 'well, it had a lot of citrus,'" the maroon agent said, leaving the conclusion to them.
"Wait. So there are fifty Freelancers?" Tucker asked. The Red Agents shrugged.
"Maybe. Maybe not," Red said. "Tex, anything else we might need to know about Wyoming?"
"He's a sniper," she said.
"A.I?" Burgundy asked.
"When did you put your helmet back on?" Tucker asked. He got a shrug in reply and sighed.
"Gamma," Tex said in answer to the Red Agent's question.
"Your armor all had special features right? What was Wyoming's?" Maroon asked.
"I... I don't know," Tex admitted. "Look, I still owe Tucker one. I'll take care of Wyoming, then we're square. Deal?"
"You're offering to protect me from a Freelancer who wants to kill me. What am I going to say? No?" Tucker asked.
"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" Tex said smugly.
"Eureka's Hammer I got it! I put a listening device in..." Red began, only for Rick to cut him off.
"Already got that one."
"Oh. Right. Um..."
"I rewired the bomb into a homing beacon," Rick offered.
"Can I push the button!?" Caboose asked.
"Sure ya can!" Red said, pulling out the remote. "It's this one," he said, pointing out the correct button. Caboose cheered and pushed it. A beacon appeared in Red's HUD. He didn't even notice that Rick was already fiddling with a teleporter behind him.
/*/
Back in prison on Sidewinder, Church coughed. "You okay man? I didn't know robot's could cough," Orange said.
"I don't know man," Church said, shaking his head. Orange sighed and looked over toward the guard.
"If only he'd come closer..." he said, almost wistful. Church, once again, shuffled back a little. Orange was creepy! Especially since he was used to Grif.
/?/
A/N: So? What do you think? Did Sarge figure it out too quickly? Should Tex be more confused? I crave Reviews!
A/N 2: Dex is having fun messing with Church's head, yes he is. Also, fixed a minor continuity error concerning Maroon and which mode his armor was in. Spelling and grammar have also been checked over. 8/19/16