Chapter 21- The Beginning of Understanding
It had been a while since Meredith had felt like wasn't actually in her life. When she had first found out about Hailey, she had definitely had the experience of feeling like she was watching herself in a movie, completely unable to control any outcomes. But since she had come to Oakbrook Falls and gotten to really know the tiny baby inside her, she had felt like she could actually live this life. At least, she had thought that until today. She had thought until she had seen the pain written all over Derek's face as the details of the worst day of his life had come pouring out in the kind of rage that could only come when someone felt cornered. That kind of pain could only break a person, and in that moment, Meredith had realized just how much Derek had probably been fighting that breakdown.
But the feeling she was watching herself in a movie hadn't hit until she had been home and standing in her daughter's nursery, unpacking the baby supplies that had been waiting on her front stoop. At first, she had just wanted to cry. She wanted to cry for Alison and her whole family, for the whole senseless tragedy of it all. She wanted to cry for Derek, who hated himself for surviving a horrible accident, and used it as the materials of the massive suitcase he carried with him. It was just so horribly sad and for the first time since she had met Derek, she had understood why he was so broken, why he needed his routines and the control he craved. But as she had been unpacking the impossibly small nail clippers and putting them into the tiny pink basket she had ordered, she had gotten that fuzzy feeling and had suddenly felt like she was just watching herself.
In the movie of her life, she was twenty-nine weeks pregnant, her belly getting bigger every day as her back curved to support the weight of her uterus and daughter. She was preparing for her life as a single mom in a small town after running away from the city and the job she had always wanted. And worst of all, she was falling hard for a man who was so damaged he could barely hide it. Less than twelve hours earlier, she had been marveling at how good he was, at how much she actually wanted him in her life and how much he wanted to be apart of it. He seemed to really like her and Hailey, which was more than she could have ever hoped for after getting pregnant with her boss's baby. Derek had made it easy to feel like everything would be okay, that they could get through the changes rushing through their lives together.
But in reality, he was still hurting, still desperately clutching to a twenty-year old tragedy. She had known that, to an extent, but the way he had yelled at her earlier showed a kind of dedication to that pain she didn't understand. She wasn't a stranger to tragedy, not by a long shot, but she didn't know if she could understand the power of Derek's grief. Twenty years ago, he had asked Alison to marry him and then had lost her just a couple weeks later in a violent accident that no one could have predicted. It was clear Derek blamed himself for everything that happened, and even clearer that he wasn't going to stop blaming himself any time soon. The man she had been falling hard for was damaged in ways she couldn't understand and she didn't know what her next step was supposed to be.
He was her doctor, first of all, but it went beyond that. She felt good around him and she was smart enough to to know it wasn't the hormones that made her always want to be around him. But he was hurting and no matter how often he had sworn she wanted her and Hailey to have spots in his life, he hadn't actually done anything to unpack the pain and guilt he felt every day. She didn't think Derek would ever be violent, but she also wasn't able sure he would ever be able to be the kind of partner and dad they needed. She wanted Hailey to be happy and to have a really amazing childhood, which meant she didn't ever want Hailey to feel like she wasn't loved. Derek's pain didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't capable of loving Hailey, and she knew that, but it also didn't mean that he was capable of giving himself to relationships of any kind, at least not when he was still in so much pain.
A good person would probably stand by him. A good person would forget the secrets and the breakdown and do their best to stand by him, to help him through his grief. But most good people weren't seven months pregnant and were probably more used to the whole dating thing. She wasn't even sure what exactly would be there for them on the other side. Derek didn't just have grief, he was obviously dealing with some kind of complex PTSD that had spent twenty years burying him. And if she was being honest with herself, a part of her was scared shitless that Derek would still be madly in love with his dead fiancée once they unpacked his suitcase.
That thought definitely made her fall into the not good person. Twelve hours ago she had been content with sharing Derek with Alison. She knew love didn't just stop when someone died and she figured she could live with him loving two people at once, if he ever fell in love with her. But Derek's suitcase was so massive that she really wondered if the unpacked parts would leave enough space for her. It was complicated and big and she still felt like she was watching this all happen instead of living it. But her daughter was doing some pretty intense kicking tonight and she couldn't help but come back into herself to deal with the far too insistent nudges and kicks that just wouldn't stop.
She had tried macaroni and cheese, she had tried playing the Baby Mozart Lexie had sent, and she had even tried walking around her house all to calm her unborn baby but Hailey wasn't having any of it and Meredith's back was starting to ache. She was feeling huge and sore and she had realized earlier that she couldn't see her feet if she tried. It probably meant she was waddling too and none of it helped with the way her brain was swirling. Hailey was going to be here in a couple of months and she was still freaking out about a boy who had made her believe everything would be okay. It all seemed so stupid and she winced as Hailey's foot came in direct contact with her ribs. "Okay, you really need to calm down or I am grounding you literally the second you get out of there," Meredith said firmly as she pressed back at her daughter's kicks and moved towards her couch.
Her laptop was open to Google because she had been fighting every journalistic urge in her to try to find more information about the accident. There was no way articles hadn't been written about the horrific tragedy of a family losing all three of their kids in one night, and she did want to know more. She wanted to know about who had been driving, who the other driver had been, and how it had been so bad that Noah had been so brutally killed while Derek had somehow escaped. But it felt like snooping and probably a little wrong so she wasn't sure what she was going to do. She pulled a pillow onto her lap and grabbed her laptop, her brain doing weird twists and turns as she started to type in Derek's name. She was about to type the date when Hailey delivered another swift kick that took her breathe away. "Hey!" She gasped as her hand flew to the spot that was bulging against the fabric of her t-shirt. "Seriously, what is your deal tonight?"
She had read on her app that Hailey was starting to run out of room and there would be less flipping now but these painful punches just weren't going to work for her. She didn't even know why her daughter was picking tonight but she moved the pillow to the side and stared down at her belly as Hailey continued punching and kicking. For a minute she wondered if Hailey knew about what had happened with Derek, if she had heard it all and now as pissed but that just seemed a little too far fetched. "Just...calm down, baby girl," she whispered, rubbing her belly in gentle circles. It seemed to work for a second but then her doorbell rang and Hailey punched roughly as Meredith groaned.
"Coming!" She called as she scooted forward to the edge of the couch and forced herself to her feet. It was too late and snowy for it to be Lexie or Hillary so that probably meant it could only be one person. She took a deep breath and opened her door slowly.
"Hey," Derek whispered. His cheeks were almost as red as his eyes and his hair was covered in the heavy snow that was falling. His entire body just looked exhausted, like he was fighting the urge to fall over, and Meredith swallowed heavily as her fingers itched to smooth the furrow in his brow.
"Hi," she whispered back.
"I..." he took a deep breath and kicked at the snow on her step. "Can I..." he shook his head and then met her eyes. "Is an apology...I am so sorry, Mer."
"Derek," she started as Hailey stretched lazily inside her.
"No," he shook his head. "The way I acted earlier...there's no excuse for it. Leaving you with my parents...yelling at you...there is no excuse for it and I am sorry. I just...I'm so sorry."
"I know you are," she nodded. She wrapped her hands over her belly and leaned against the door. "I even understand why...but it doesn't make it okay."
"No, it doesn't," he agreed softly. "Nothing about what happened today is okay and I never wanted it to happen. I'm not going to stand here and tell you...I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that every time I come over here, I'm a mess and possibly using you to feel better. You and Hailey deserve more than that."
"Hmmm..." she agreed. "Why are you here now?"
"I...I want to tell you everything," he whispered. "I want you to know everything. And not because my parents are here or because...I want you to know because you deserve to know. And because I should probably finally talk about it."
"Why me?" Meredith asked as one of her hands moved to the door.
"I...can we talk first?" He asked as his eyes softened. "Just let me...please, Meredith."
"Okay," Meredith nodded as she stepped aside to let him in. He stomped the snow off his boots and then took off his winter coat as she closed her door. She didn't know what had made him come over tonight, or what he was about to say. He didn't seem drunk, just sad, and she just had to listen. He hadn't talked about the accident in twenty years, and she couldn't imagine it would be easy for him. She just wished she didn't have already have a lump in her throat as she followed him to her living room.
"I...I found out today that Dave knew everything," he whispered as she sat against her nest of pillows on her couch. "He knew everything from the beginning and he never said a word to me. I can't...why do you think he did that?"
"I didn't know him, Derek," she reminded him. "And I don't know what he knew."
"Right," he took a deep breath as he paced in front of her fireplace, one of his hands moving through his dark curls. "I...the night of the anniversary party, I called Alison to let her know I was going to be running a little late. I told her...a surgery had come up and it was going to take a little longer than I had expected. I had my clothes with me so we agreed I would meet her there. She said she was going to call Noah and Melanie to drive her so that we could drive back together after the party."
"Okay," Meredith murmured, rubbing her stomach slowly as Hailey stretched.
"Noah was picking up Melanie at Columbia," he explained. "His wife...Bethany, she was out of town visiting her mom who...I think she had fallen? Anyway, Noah was picking up Melanie and readily agreed to pick up Alison. It was the perfect plan but...my patient coded on the table before we did much more than take off the skull cap. I called Alison to let her know—she was just about to leave with Noah and Melanie—and they agreed it would be fun to pick me up and we could drive out to Long Island together. I got dressed at work and met them downstairs." Derek took a deep breath and ran a shaking hand over his face as his breath quickened slightly.
"Noah had just bought a brand new Ford Explorer. I asked him why such a big car and he smirked that if he was going to have a soccer team, then he was going to be damned if his team rode around in a minivan. He and Bethany had agreed to start trying for a baby." His voice broke and Meredith wrapped her arms over her own baby growing inside of her. "And then there was Melanie...she was a sweet girl with a rebellious streak. She was wearing this short black dress and Alison kept teasing her that she was going to make her move on Mark. Noah threatened to turn the car around and lock Melanie in her dorm room. It was...god, we were all laughing."
"Noah was driving?" Meredith asked.
"Oh...yeah," Derek nodded slowly. "Noah was driving, Melanie was in the front seat next to him, and Alison and I were in the back."
"I...okay," she whispered because she needed to hear the whole story before she gave into her journalistic instincts and asked a million questions.
"I had just gotten a cell phone a few months earlier...one of the old Nokias," he smiled wryly even as his chest started to rise and fall a little faster. "It rang and...Mark was asking about the bartender, if I had paid him in advance. I realized then that I had probably forgotten my wallet in my locker at work. Both Noah and Mark offered to cover it for the night but...I don't even know why I decided I needed my wallet so badly. I don't remember much after that phone call."
"Derek, come sit," she whispered, watching as his whole body began to shake.
"I found out later...Noah tried to do a u-turn," he bit out. "The light was yellow and he figured it was his last chance before we sat at the light for a million years. But a taxi driver had the same idea and came rushing from the opposite direction...they said he was going seventy miles per hour. He hit us and the car...god, for such a big car you wouldn't think it would flip but it did. It flipped and flipped through some construction. I don't...I was knocked out, but woke up as they were using the jaws of life on the car. It was so loud and there were sirens everywhere. The whole inside of the car was blood and flashing lights. And some kind of equipment that had come through the windshield."
"Derek, seriously, come sit," she whispered as she scooted forward to try to stand. Instead, Derek stared past her, at some spot on the wall as his body tightened and his breath came in sharp gasps.
"Alison...I looked at her first," he said in an eerie voice that sent chills up and down Meredith's spine. "She was wearing a dark green dress but there was so much blood...it was black. She wasn't...she wasn't conscious and she was...her breathing was so shallow, I tried to reach her but I couldn't move. I tried but the door and Noah's seat..." His gaze was unfocused now and even if she wanted to, Meredith couldn't move to try to pull him out of that moment twenty years ago. "Melanie...her head was at a weird angle but I couldn't...there was so much blood. There was...and I couldn't...I couldn't see Noah. I just saw the equipment and then his...I saw his arm, his shoulders, slumped to the side but he didn't have...the paramedics told the doctors later that my screams were what alerted them to the fact I was alive and mostly alert. They got me out first and then Melanie...and then Alison. Melanie died in the ambulance and Alison...she was brain dead. She was technically...but her parents..." He swallowed heavily as tears began to slip down his cheeks.
"I passed out again in the ambulance and when I woke up, my parents were sitting by my hospital bed," he whispered. "They had operated to repair a bleed and my leg...some ribs...but I was awake and alive and I didn't even...my mom wouldn't look me in the eye and my dad...he just grabbed my hand and told me in this voice...Noah and Melanie were dead and Alison was on life support. Her parents wanted a miracle." He shook his head slowly, the faraway look in his eyes breaking for a moment as he wiped his cheek. "I was in a wheelchair a couple days later and I asked if I could see her. My mom took me up to her room and Ed...Ed started yelling at me that it wasn't fair. He...he had lost everything and my parents somehow...he didn't think it was right that I had lived."
"Derek," Meredith whispered around the lump in her throat was growing with every second.
"He forbid me to come anywhere near her," he breathed as his shoulders shook. "My own...I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. She was...I loved her and I would have done anything to trade places with her. And I just...I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I loved her and that I would always...they wouldn't let me come in. They sent me home after nine days. I had to do a little bit of physical therapy and my family tried to distract me...but I was just waiting for the news that she was gone."
"And she died on December ninth," she breathed. Her vision was starting to blur with tears and she was suddenly understanding how this pain could trap him.
"Hmmm..." he nodded. "Her funeral...December twelfth. Ed called the house and said he would have me arrested for stalking if I came to the funeral. So my dad took me to the graveyard and let me watch from...her casket was light green and she was buried next to her brother and sister." He turned slowly and leaned forward, his hands gripping the mantle as he struggled to breathe. "I...spiraled. Three people were dead and I was still alive and...I couldn't sleep at night. Every night I would close my eyes and relive it all. And then the flashbacks started. They were like vivid nightmares but they happened when I was awake. I had panic attacks and thought...god, I wanted to hear her voice so bad."
"PTSD," she offered so quietly that she wasn't sure if he even heard her. Lexie had told her Derek had had some kind of a breakdown but right now, she was actually pretty sure a huge part of him had died that night in November.
"I...time started to go too slow and too fast," he whispered. "I dropped out of the internship program I had worked so hard to get into because I just couldn't...every day felt worse than the day before. I moved back in with my parents but every time I went into their backyard, I imagined how it was supposed to look that night and the flashbacks...it still happens sometimes. And then...it was eleven months and twenty eight days later my dad found out Ed had died. He was visiting...he was at the cemetery and just...died."
"Broken heart syndrome," she repeated what he had yelled at her earlier.
"It kept getting worse after that," Derek turned towards her, his eyes dark. "I wasn't sleeping, I barely ate, and my mom would practically drag me to the tub. I just...they were all dead because I forgot my wallet. A whole family...and I was alive. I was alive and all I wanted to be was dead." He took a deep breath before nodding. "I...I don't think suicide ever actually occurred to me until...I was standing in my parents' kitchen. My dad's injuries...he always has heavy duty pain medication on hand. And I was just standing there...my dad had gone out with my little sister and my mom was at work and I just had this thought. I just thought that I didn't want to live anymore, that I was so fucking tired. I was tired of the nightmares and the flashbacks. I was tired of hurting everyone in my life. And I took the pills. Just like that."
It had been months since Meredith had had morning sickness but the rise of her stomach now was similar to that. She tried to swallow it but it was trapped between the pain of Derek's words and the pure shock. She wasn't a stranger to suicide attempts, her mom's own attempt had led to her dad getting full custody of her, but this felt harder somehow. She couldn't talk, couldn't even think of what to say, but she was suddenly aware of the tears that were pouring down her cheeks. "My mom came home from work and found me in a puddle of my own vomit," Derek whispered. "The doctors told her if she had been ten minutes late, I would have died. But instead...god, I was alive and there was a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD. And there was a priest who talked to me about forgiving myself and leaving my pain to God and it...it was too much. It was too fucking much."
He walked slowly towards her, his body bent under the weight of a suitcase she couldn't see. "I told my parents I needed a day to hike and I drove up here. I drove up here, got a coffee at Chris's, and saw a posting for a doctor at the local clinic. And I realized that if I had to be alive, I just...I wanted to be alive somewhere else where they never were. I called my parents the day after Dave offered me the job and that...that was it."
"That...that was it," she echoed softly as she wiped her eyes. "Except...god, Derek, you...you didn't date or tell anyone or...why me? Why now?"
"Oh," he breathed as he sat down slowly in the couch next to her. "For eighteen years, I lived here and I became a well-loved doctor. My life became my patients and I was able...I could put them in the drawer. The therapist in New York had encouraged me to come up with routines to gain back control of my life, so I planned every day of my life. And it worked. Maybe not that well, but I didn't want to die anymore. I thought I was better, that I wasn't drowning anymore. And then I shook your hand."
"And?" She asked, jumping slightly as his fingers brushed along her wet cheeks.
"And...it was like coming up for fresh air," he whispered. "Like I was drowning and you saved me."
"That's not what you said earlier," she pointed out as she felt herself lean into his touch.
"I know," he agreed. "But you...I don't get it, Meredith. None of this makes sense to me and I have fought...I have never thought I deserved to be happy again. I thought...god, I murdered five people and all I've been trying to do is atone for it. But then you came and you make me think...you and Hailey make me think that maybe I can have this. You make me want to try again, to have something more than what I've had for twenty years. You make me feel...it's hope. You make me hopeful again. And it scares the hell out of me how badly I want to feel hat again."
"Oh..." Meredith breathed, rubbing her stomach as she turned towards him. Her heart was racing and Hailey was kicking and she needed a direction for her swirling brain. "You didn't kill five people, Derek. It was...what happened to the taxi driver?"
"I...he was convicted of reckless driving and vehicular manslaughter," Derek whispered.
"Okay, so the courts decided it was him. He killed them."
"But if I hadn't forgotten my wallet—"
"Then maybe it would have happened another way or another time," she whispered. "You...you forgot your wallet and there was an awful accident. And Alison's dad was hurting and he lashed out. Just like you lashed out today. You...I don't know why you survived but you can't...God, Derek, it wasn't your fault."
"Do you really believe that?" He asked softly as his fingers trailed along her jaw.
"I do," she shrugged. "You should too."
"I don't...my parents said that too," he breathed.
"Can I..." Meredith shook her head as Derek's fingers brushed her arm. "Are you still suicidal?"
"God, no," he denied quickly. "But that was what my mom was talking about today. They..,they still worry I'll get to that point. But at this point, I have always figured I deserve this. Killing myself would just make me guilty of hurting more people."
"Okay," she whispered as she wrapped her arms over her stomach. "Why...why did you come to tell me tonight?"
"I...because this is the only way I can think of to give you and Hailey spots, if you still want them," he murmured and then spread his hands. "The suitcase is open. There's nothing else there."
"It's open but it's not unpacked," she pointed out. Her fingers trailed along her belly, tracing the outline of her wiggly baby girl. "I know you'll never stop loving her and I am not that much of an asshole to ask that. She was going to be your wife and the mother of your children and I...I just need to know that if we start to unpack this all, there will be space for me and Hailey. I need to know that your guilt won't crowd us into a small corner. Hailey...Hailey deserves love, Derek. She deserves unconditional love."
"So does her mommy," he pointed out as he reached out tentatively to her stomach. "I don't know what this will be like. I haven't thought that far ahead but I want it. I want...god, this is going to sound too soon but I want to love you and Hailey. I want that more than I want to atone for that night...and that has never happened before."
"Oh," Meredith breathed as her cheeks heated. "Oh."
"That's why I came here tonight," he murmured. His hand gently slipped under her shirt and she shivered as he traced along Hailey's head, which was pushing at her left side. "I know I'm damaged. And I know I hurt you earlier. I wish...I don't know what I wish. But I want to give you the choice, Mer. Either you unpack the suitcase with me or you don't. Either way, I will help you with Hailey. I want to be in your life, but I want you to decide what's best for you right now. I know this...I'm not exactly a catch and you have more to worry about but...god, I want to love you. Both of you."
"You...you're not drunk right now, right?" She whispered.
"No," he laughed shakily. "I just need to start taking steps. I need to stop atrophying."
"Okay," she whispered, staring down at his hand on her stomach as she tried to breathe. It was a lot to process, almost too much, and she wasn't sure what the right answer was. He was broken, beyond broken, and she was about to have a baby who would need all of her attention. But there was also that voice in her head that was telling her she wanted to love him too. "I...can I..."
"Take your time?" He asked and then nodded. "All the time you need, Mer. This...I wanted you to see the suitcase. I made you a promise and I broke it but...I'm here now. And you know everything. So take your time. I can wait."
"Okay," Meredith repeated as Hailey head butted Derek, who smiled slightly before he pulled back from her. It was so easy to imagine this life with him, but even easier to remember the pain in his eyes just minutes before as he had opened his suitcase for her.
"I'm going to go," he whispered as he stood. "I'm meeting my parents for breakfast at eight tomorrow at Chris's and I want to...I should try to sleep. And you...take your time, Mer."
"I know," she looked up at him. "Derek?"
"Yeah."
"I think Dave didn't tell you he knew because he wanted you to find something to live for," she offered quietly. "He wanted to give you a new life. And he did. I think...maybe he loved you. Not despite of the accident, but because of who it made you. That's the person he wanted to help."
"I...yeah," Derek nodded slowly as he reached for his jacket. "Maybe."
"Maybe," she echoed. "Can I call you if I have any questions?"
"Please," he breathed. He ran his fingers through his hair and then looked down at her, his eyes soft and sparkling. "Just try to get some rest, okay?"
"That's getting harder and harder these days, but okay," she agreed.
"Good night, Meredith," Derek whispered before turning and walking out of her living room. It all just felt like too much, like the suitcase was opening and filling the room. It was more tragic than she ever could have imagined, but also vaguely hopeful. She couldn't begin to imagine the pain he had been through or how he had been robbed of any kind of closure. But he had come to her. He had braved a snowstorm to come and open the suitcase hours after stubbornly keeping it closed. It had to mean something.
She should probably be focusing on her last couple months of pregnancy and getting ready for Hailey instead of helping him unpack the tragedy that had changed him twenty years earlier. But he wasn't asking to be emotionally babysat, she wasn't even sure if he wanted it. He just wanted her. He wanted her and he wanted Hailey and that seemed...huge. It seemed like something bigger than a huge suitcase filled with trauma. And while she needed time to think, to decide what would be best for her and her daughter, she couldn't ignore the flutter in her heart that told her both she and Hailey desperately wanted him, too,
And right before your eyes
I'm aching
Run fast, nowhere to hide
Just you and me