Chapter 22- The Heart Reveals Answers
It hadn't been an easy night of sleep. If Derek had actually thought that opening his suitcase to Meredith would make his sleep come easier, then the night before would have proven him absolutely wrong. He had tossed and turned until well after two and then had been woken up at five from a nightmare he didn't understand. After that, he had just decided it was better to just get his day started before meeting his parents for breakfast. It had just made more sense to go running than to try to sleep or worse, to stare at his ceiling and try to parse through his nightmare. Of course, it only made sense that his brain had decided to combine a hard run through half a foot of snow with an obsession with the dream.
It had been the usual nightmare he always had this time of year, with loud smashing of glass and the smell of gas and blood, but when he had turned to see his blood covered fiancée, she had somehow morphed into Meredith. It had shaken him immediately and he had woken up, gasping for air as he had thrashed against his confining blankets. It didn't make any sense, it was actually inconceivable why his brain would play that kind of trick on him. Alison had been the woman he was going to marry, the woman he had loved more than he had ever been able to put into words. The last month had been about the twentieth anniversary of her death, of losing a future he had asked her for in front of her friends twenty years earlier. The guilt of losing her had nearly killed him, and he wasn't sure why his brain would focus on anyone else.
He wasn't sure about a lot of things right now. He wasn't sure why Meredith had come into his life now, or why he was so worried about what she would eventually decide to do when it came to their fledgling relationship. He needed to be focusing on his grief, on Alison, but instead he couldn't stop replaying their conversation in his head. He desperately wanted to be apart of her life, of Hailey's life, and he wanted to see if he could maybe love again. It was all so contrary to how he had spent so much of the last twenty years and he wished he could figure out why it was happening now or why Meredith inspired it in him. It barely made any sense that a petite pregnant journalist would be the one to turn his life around, but here he was.
It was rare, but sometimes he had let himself wonder what he would have been like as a father. Both he and Alison had wanted kids once he was done with his residency, and it had always felt like the right punishment that he was never going to be a dad but...he really had no right to think that he would ever be Hailey's father but he did feel like he could be something to her. He wanted to be something to her and something to Meredith and it made him run even harder against the packed snow, his breath coming in sharp gasps. The life he was starting to want went against everything in the suitcase he had carried for so many years, but it was open now, Meredith had seen inside it, and he figured that meant he had to start sifting through it.
It was just easier to not do it right now. He had opened it for Meredith, not for anyone else, and he had no idea how to start doing the work without her. She needed her time to think and he was going to respect that, especially since he wasn't exactly going to he in the best of headspaces for the next few days. No matter how long it took Meredith to decide what she wanted to do, he knew that he would be struggling just like he always did. His parents would talk to him and he would do his best to open the suitcase for them too, but he knew he couldn't just make this week easy.
His legs were burning as he ran into his house and his cheeks stung from the cold winter air, but at least he was on his way to some kind of routine today. Things had just been feeling too big lately and if he could just find some kind of control again, he might be okay. He realized that to some people, these routines seemed like too much, but they had served him for a long time, and even if the suitcase was open, he didn't see why he needed to give up something so small that gave him so much comfort. He took a deep breath and slipped off his sweatshirt, fully intent on taking a shower and then enjoying a cup of coffee and a book before meeting his parents for breakfast. "What kind of person runs in the snow?"
Derek turned quickly at the familiar voice, his breath catching when he saw Meredith sitting on his couch. Her legs were crossed as she turned to look at him and he let his gaze move along her slowly. She was in yoga pants, with a deep red hoodie that zipped over her belly and snow boots on her feet. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, stands of her blonde hair falling into her face and somehow accentuating the dark circles under her eyes. "I..." He opened his mouth as he turned to look at his door and then back at her. "How?"
"Your door was unlocked," she pointed out.
"I...okay, but it's six thirty in the morning," Derek sighed as he walked towards her. "Why aren't you in bed underneath a pile of blankets?"
"I..." Meredith took a deep breath as she ran her hand over her belly. "What were you like before?"
"What?" Derek frowned. His brain was obviously trying to catch up to the fact that she was here instead of at home where he had left her the night before, and he wasn't sure what exactly was happening here. She had wanted time and he had been more than willing to give it to her.
"Before the accident...before Alison died, what were you like?" She asked.
"Why?"
"I just want to know," she sighed heavily. "I don't know why but you...I mean, is the sweet, nice guy part of who you were before or is it who you are now? Do you recognize yourself? Are you more like the guy who yells at his parents on the street or the guy who seems to genuinely care about some other guy's daughter?"
"Mer, I'm really not sure what you're asking," he frowned, running his fingers through his hair as he walked towards her. She shifted slightly on the couch and he paused before perching on the arm of the couch. "I'm not...I can be both of those guys and when it comes to my parents...sometimes they remind me of everything I've been through and I get angry. But it doesn't mean I'm not the person you see. Or the person the town sees."
"The whole town loves you," she pointed out.
"I know they do," Derek smiled slightly. "As for whether or not I recognize myself...this is who I am now. It's been twenty years since I was anyone else and that...I don't know who that person was. I was young and ambitious and I loved my fiancée but...I haven't been that person in so long. I do genuinely love this town, I love my patients, and I'm not sure which part of my life was better. Before you literally fell into my life, I never thought about the difference."
"That can't be true," she insisted. "You never once thought about how much happier you were then? About the things you wanted then that you don't want now?"
"Oh," He whispered and then took a deep breath. His chest was starting to tighten but he knew this was part of the unpacking Meredith wanted him to do. He didn't know how to describe it to her, the shift in his thinking as the years had gone on, but he owed it to her to try. "For the first few years, all I did was wonder what if. What if I hadn't forgotten my wallet? What if I had driven myself? What if my patient hadn't died? I just...I can't...it hurts. Thinking of all of that hurts. So I built my suitcase. I did everything I could to not think about the what ifs or think about what I had wanted because it just hurt."
"So you carried them instead," she whispered as she looked down at her belly. "You carried them and they were there but not there."
"Not in the forefront," he agreed. "If you want to know who I was before...I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. I was going to cure spinal cord injuries so that my dad could dance at my youngest sister's wedding. There wasn't a surgery I turned down or a shift I didn't stay later. I was close with my family and I loved being an uncle, I still do, really."
"And with Alison?"
"I.." he shook his head as he looked at her. "Can I..." He moved his hand towards hers slowly as the need to touch her overwhelmed him. Her fingers immediately relaxed, opening her palm, and he entwined their fingers. "Meredith, I can't...you're not Alison's replacement. I never wanted...she was supposed to be my wife. She's not my ex. She died my fiancée and she'll always be my fiancée."
"I know," she breathed. She squeezed his fingers and turned to look at him, her eyes dark. "I just...I'm not asking to replace her. I would never...I just need to know that there really is room for both of us. I need to know that...god I don't know what I need to know. I don't even know why I'm here. I was just..."
"Take a deep breath for a second," he whispered as he shifted on the couch to face her. "You haven't slept and this is a lot to process. Just take a deep breath."
"Can I tell you what's crazy?" Meredith continued, her eyes wide and her free hand flailing. "I am seven months pregnant. I'm about to have a baby, an actual baby, and I shouldn't be worrying about a boy right now. I should not be staying up all night processing—"
"No you shouldn't be," he agreed softly, reaching for her flailing hand. "I know it's a lot , Meredith. I'm not...you don't have to be with me. What happened that night is...I don't deserve to have you worrying about me. You and Hailey deserve more."
"Okay, no, you can't keep saying crap like that," she snapped. "Do you hear me? If we're going to do this, if I'm going to have a spot in your life, you do not get to talk like that. I know what I deserve and if I decide that it's you, then it's you. End of story. And you should think about what you actually deserve because, Derek, you didn't kill anyone. No matter what you think, that was not your fault. It was an accident and you survived and I get that sucks, but you did not kill anyone. So stop acting like you deserve the death penalty."
"Meredith," he sighed.
"No, you know what, you talked last night at my house so now I am going to talk," she nodded as she wiggled herself to a standing position. Her eyes were golden now, flashing with a kind of determination he didn't quite understand. "I didn't ask for time because I think you're a horrible human being who kills people, because you're not. You didn't kill your fiancée or her whole family. Is it sad? Obviously it is because that sounds...but you did not kill anyone. So that's the first thing we're going to unpack here because you didn't kill anyone."
"I..." Derek swallowed heavily as he stared at her, waddling around his living room. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell her that she couldn't possibly understand or if he just wanted to listen to her.
"I asked for time because I need to know if this unpacking thing is going to consume you," she stated, her hands on her hips. "I need to know if Hailey and I are going to be a priority because she needs to be one. I need to know that if I help you unpack this, that you're still going to be here, wanting this, at the end of the tunnel. That's why I asked for time, Derek, no other reason. I...my daughter has to be my priority and I just need to know that she's going to be okay."
"Okay," he whispered as he ran his fingers through his hair. He stood again and walked towards her, his thoughts racing. He had no idea how to handle this situation and he hated that his parents had encouraged him to take this kind of step. There wasn't a lot he could offer her, and the stress of that was obviously getting to her. There was so much more she would need, that Hailey would need, and the simple fact was that he had no idea if he was even ready for it.
"And it would make more sense for me to just...put the brakes on this or whatever," she sighed, turning to face him. "I didn't come here to date the town doctor with a past. That just sounds like...god, I think I just became a cheesy Hallmark movie. My whole life went to shit and I came here to try to rebuild it or whatever. And now I am actually considering helping you rebuild yours when I'm about to be an unemployed single mom. This is crazy!"
"Mer, stop," he whispered as he placed his hands on her shoulders and gave them a tight squeeze. Her eyes immediately widened and then met his and he squeezed again, keeping his eye contact steady with hers. He understood what she was saying, and she wasn't wrong. He was putting a lot on her right now and as her doctor, he wanted her to just take a deep breath for a second. "Keep looking at me and just breathe, okay?"
"Okay," she responded, her chest rising with her sharp inhale of breath.
"Good," he whispered and then moved one hand down to her stomach. "The little mouse is moving?"
"Derek..." she groaned.
"Is she?"
"Of course she is but when you give her a nickname or feel her move or...do you have any idea how good of a guy you are?" Meredith asked him. "Like no normal man would want to get involved with a woman who is seven months pregnant with a baby that isn't his. But here you are, just being a genuinely good guy and that's...that's what makes this so hard. Because you think I don't deserve a guy who has a giant suit case and who still loves his dead fiancée but I think for once I deserve a good guy. And you are an amazing guy. And I think you would be an amazing boyfriend and amazing for Hailey and that's what makes this so hard."
"Oh," he breathed. He could swear he felt his heart stutter slightly in his chest and he rubbed it slightly as tears rushed to his eyes. He knew the town loved him. He knew the town thought he was an incredible doctor, a pillar of the community, and a few other accolades he had heard over the years. But never once had he left himself believe any of them, if only because he had known the truth and they didn't. Meredith knew the truth though, she knew the truth and she was standing in front of him, calling him amazing and he wasn't sure he had an argument.
"She used to kick more when she heard your voice, but now she calms down when you're around," she explained. "And she wouldn't stop kicking all night because I'm pretty sure she wants you around, which yes, sounds stupid because she is a fetus and doesn't have feelings or whatever but I swear Derek, she wants you around. And when she does come, all she's going to care about is being safe and loved. And that's my job, you know?"
"I know it is," he murmured, pressing the heel of his palm against an insistent kick from her unborn daughter. "I...all I can promise you, Meredith, is that I will never purposefully hurt you or Hailey. And the only thing that has held me back from really being with you is the suitcase. The only thing that makes me hesitate...so if that's unpacked, I can't imagine anything else would hold me back."
"This is crazy," she breathed as she shook her head. "This is...not what I came to Oakbrook Falls for."
"Hmmm..." he nodded. "If you want to wait until she's here, we can do that, too."
"I am not giving you an opportunity to change your mind," she laughed harshly and then looked up at him. There were golden flecks in her cat eyes and Derek felt his breath catch in his throat as he trailed his thumb along her jaw line. "You can't...I don't want any more secrets, Derek. I want to be in your life, even your old crappy one. I want...I want to know about her and I want to know where you go when you zone out or why you don't feel real. And I don't know how good I'll be at this because, well, because being in the third trimester isn't exactly fun but I at least want to be in your life."
"Are you sure?" He whispered. "I want you to be sure, Mer."
"Do not sure pregnant people go through a snow storm to get to someone's house at six thirty in the morning?"
"Probably not," he laughed softly.
"Can I ask a couple of questions?" Meredith asked.
"And there's the journalist Meredith," he shook his head as he smiled at her. "Sit down first. Let's get you comfortable and then you can ask questions."
"Comfortable is relative," she shrugged but turned to sit back down on the couch. Derek immediately shifted a couple of cushions behind her back and then sat down next to her, their hands finding each other almost immediately.
"Good?" He asked softly. "Are you warm?"
"I'm okay, Derek," she smiled, shifting until she was facing him and her back was supported by the cushions. "I...okay, I know I already asked this last night but I'm going to ask again. Have you been suicidal since your attempt?"
"Not seriously, no," he shook his head. "Some passing thoughts here or there when I first moved here but...I don't want to die, Meredith. I don't even wish I had died that night anymore. It—I can't begin to explain to you what it feels like to be the only survivor. I can't put that into words. But I don't want to die anymore."
"Then why did your mom make that comment that I don't know what to look for?"
"Because..." Derek took a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair. "Your sister said I had a breakdown and became a recluse, right?"
"Yeah."
"There is some truth to that," he explained. "I think it's the simple story for my family. After the suicide attempt, I couldn't look any of them in the face. My dad always looked so sad when I looked at him and my mom was just...constantly following me around. Mark stopped being, well, when you meet him you'll see what I mean when I say he stopped being him. I have one sister who is a psychologist and she just wanted to analyze me all the time while my other sisters kept their distance. My baby sister, Sophie, tried her best but sometimes she would just burst into tears."
"So you moved here?" She asked softly.
"Yeah," he sighed. "I think I robbed my parents of seeing me get better. I think there was a lot of hurt there that I didn't let them work through. They see me here occasionally but any time I'm there...the memories are too much. I think they think I'm really bad off and have let myself get stuck. And in some ways, I have."
"Okay," she whispered, her long fingers squeezing his gently. "Do you see yourself ever going back to the city? Like if you get all whole and healed or whatever."
"No," he shook his head. "This is my home. I love helping people here and I think the city was a great fit for Derek Shepherd twenty-five years ago, but not who I am now. I need my hikes."
"Have you been to see Alison's grave?" She asked softly. "You said her dad wouldn't let you come to the funeral but did you ever go to her grave?"
"A few times," he whispered. He swallowed against the lump in his throat and then squeezed Meredith's hand tightly. "It's hard. They...the whole family is buried there and I just...it's hard."
"Okay," she nodded and then glanced at him, her cheeks pink. "I...after you left last night, I Googled. I only wanted...I wanted to understand the accident better. The taxi driver was found at fault, like you said, and the city settled with the Springers because that construction equipment shouldn't have been where it was."
"I-I didn't know that," he murmured.
"Derek, if we're going to unpack the suitcase, if you really want..." she started and then shook her head. "I just think you have to start accepting it wasn't your fault. You left your wallet. It was an honest mistake. You see that, right?"
"That's going to take some time, Mer," he shook his head. "That's...it not as easy as that."
"Okay," she agreed. She went silent for a moment and Derek let himself fall into it, rolling his shoulders slightly as her hand rested on her stomach. Her head had to be a mess and his wasn't doing much better, if only because that slight flutter of hope was trying desperately to explode deep within him. "Did you and Alison want kids?"
"Oh...yeah," he smiled widely. "I've always...when you grow up in a big family, it's impossible to imagine not having one. I love my nieces and nephews and honestly the favorite part of my job is getting to be a pediatrician. Kids are...they're easier. They don't understand pain yet but they know what it looks like. And they still think kisses and dinosaur band aids fix everything."
"Good," she whispered.
"I...however you want me...it doesn't matter who I am to her, Meredith," he whispered. He rested their entwined hands on her stomach and smiled at her. "I will always make the little mouse a priority. Always."
"See, when you talk like that, it makes it really hard for me to think," she whispered.
"Sorry, " he breathed as he scooted closer to her. "I know Hailey is your priority. I know she has to be and she will be. But what do you want? Do you really...I'm not an easy...unpacking will be hard."
"I honestly can't tell if you want me to change my mind or not," she frowned. "Didn't I already say not sure people don't come to someone's house at six in the morning? For normal people, that's sleeping time, especially for pregnant people."
"It is," he laughed softly as he felt something in his heart break free for the first time in twenty years. "I'm not sure I remember how to date. It's been...I know I want to date you, I just don't know that I'll remember how."
"That's okay, I'm not a datey kind of person," she shrugged and then pointed at her stomach. "And this complicates things."
"Hailey brings more excitement, not complications," he insisted.
"Okay," she nodded and then leaned closer to him. "Can you promise me something?"
"Of course," he agreed.
"If you...if this gets too hard for you or if you feel like I'm pushing you too hard, you have to tell me," Meredith murmured. "If thinking about all of this makes it hurt too much, then you have to tell me, okay? Even if I'm a million years pregnant and cranky...you have to tell me."
"I promise I will tell you," he nodded, reaching out to gently run his thumb along her jawline. "Can I ask a question?"
"I guess," she shrugged.
"When do I get to know about my favorite journalist?" Derek asked softly. "You're not exactly an open book, Meredith. And I know I have my suitcase and it's huge and unpacked but...I don't even know if you have a suitcase."
"I...I guess that is a good point," she nodded slowly. "I've been pretty focused on the big thing right now."
"Which is understandable," he said quickly. "I just want to know you, too."
"That seems like a fair ask," she smiled at him.
"So we'll start getting to know each other," he agreed. "Open and unpack any suitcases."
"Okay," she smiled at him and then yawned. "Crap, sorry."
"You're exhausted," he sighed. He rubbed her belly for a second and then stood. "I have breakfast with my parents at eight and you're welcome to come, if you want. Or, you can crash here until I get back."
"I can get back to my own place, Derek," she rolled her eyes.
"You can, but you're not going to," he insisted. "It's still snowing, you haven't slept, and you and little mouse need your rest. And we can, I mean, if you want, we can talk when I get back. I can build you a fire and you can...we'll talk after."
"You're not really giving me a choice, are you?"
"Yes, I am," he shrugged. "Breakfast with my parents or sleeping in my bed."
"You're annoying," she sighed but then nodded. "Fine, I'll try to get some sleep."
"Good," he smiled softly. He reached to grab her hands and gently pulled her up from the couch, one of his hands moving quickly to stabilize her lower back as she found her balance. His heart was still beating a little too fast and his chest was still too tight, but from the second their bodies made contact, he could swear he was starting to relax. She came to just below his chin and the smell of flowers surrounded him as he suddenly realized that every inch of her body was touching his. He took a slow and steady breath, filling his lungs as he registered the feel of her belly against him, of Hailey's tiny movements, but then it was the warmth of her that registered next, then the feel of her swollen breasts. Her hair tickled his chin and he ducked his head down just as she looked up at him, her green eyes sparkling gold. "Hey," he whispered as he ran his hand over her messy ponytail.
"Hey," she whispered. He felt her take a tiny step forward, somehow bringing them closer, which made a sharp shiver move up and down his spine. His chest felt like something was dying to break free, like it was tired of all the things he had held back for twenty years. It was invigorating and exhausting all at once, and he shivered again when he felt Meredith's fingers trail along his inner wrist and then move slowly along his arm. "Derek."
"I can do this," he told her. "I can...to have you and Hailey, to have...I can do this."
"I know you can," she agreed, reaching to run her hand through his dark hair. "We'll do it."
"Meredith," Derek breathed as whatever it was in his chest seemed to suddenly explode and fill him with a warmth he couldn't describe. It had been so long since he had felt safe or sure of what was in front of him, even longer since he had wanted anything that would make him happy. He hadn't ever thought happiness was possible again, and he wasn't even sure if this was what it was, but just holding Meredith like this, just deciding to take some kind of step with her towards some kind of future made him suddenly hope for something he hadn't wanted to even think about for twenty years. "Mer..." he breathed, cupping her face in his hands. Her breath fanned across his face, and she kept eye contact with him as he ducked his head down to press his lips to hers. And then waited for the guilt to come, for the feeling that he was just going to hurt someone else, add another name to his list of sins he committed.
But his body was warm and his brain wasn't screaming anything and he let himself give into the need to kiss her as her lips eagerly responded to his. They had kissed before, he had learned to forgive himself for each kiss, but this one didn't come with a need to forgive. It was gentle and exploring and he spread his legs a little wider, planting himself against the feeling of falling over. It had been twenty years since he had allowed himself to feel most positive emotions, twenty years since he had let himself hope for something bigger than the tragedy that had ruined his life, and now that those feelings were exploding inside him, he had no idea how he could ever shove them back into the bottom of the suitcase.
Her tongue trailed along his lips and he smiled against the question it was asking before pulling her as close as he could against his chest, his hands moving to splay across her back as he deepened the kiss. She was anchoring him and putting him adrift all at once but nothing mattered in this second except for the gentle swirls of their tongues. He could do this. He could unpack the suitcase and knock down the walls and be with her. He expected the guilt would come in the next couple of days, but he didn't want it to. He just wanted Meredith like this and any other way he could have her.
"God," she whispered as she pulled away from him, her chest rising and falling and her cheeks flushed.
"We need to get you into bed," he whispered, rubbing her back as she curled into him. "I'll be back soon and we...you have to open a suitcase too."
"Okay," she giggled breathlessly.
"Come on," he urged, pressing his hand into the curve of her spine to direct her towards his bedroom. A part of him just wanted to cancel breakfast with his parents and stay here with her, but he probably needed to start atoning for sins he hadn't even know he was committing, and he needed to start with his parents. He opened the door to his bedroom and gently lowered Meredith to sit in his bed before kneeling in front of her to take off her winter boots. She smiled down at him, her hand on her stomach, and he let himself look up at her, taking in her puffy eyes that still sparkled and he could swear the warmth was filling every single last inch of him, from head to toe. "I know you hate when I say this, but you are gorgeous."
"I only hated it because you weren't doing anything but saying that," she rolled her eyes as she scooted back to rest against his head board. "Now I just think you need a new line."
"I'll try to think of one," he laughed softly. He sat down slowly next to her on the bed, positioning himself just over her so that his arms rested on either side of her and their faces were inches apart. "Comfortable?"
"Yeah," she wiggled experimentally. "I may steal your pillow."
"It's yours," he nodded before kissing her softly again. "I'll build a fire when I get back. And I think I owe you a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich."
"Derek," Meredith smiled slightly. "I don't...if you need this to happen slowly or..."
"I want to do this," he said firmly. "Do you want to do this?"
"I think I've been pretty clear on that."
"Me too," he shrugged. "At least in the last day, I have. I...Meredith, I don't know when or how or what it will look like but I meant what I said yesterday. I want to love you. I think getting there is going to hurt but right now, I want to love you. And I'm going to love you. It won't be easy for me, especially on some days, but I will love you."
"Okay," she breathed before kissing him again. "We'll do this."
"We will," he agreed against her lips. He ran his hand along her stomach and then shifted down until he was just inches from it. "I'm going to love you, too, little mouse. So don't worry about that. Just...let Mommy get some sleep."
"I think she might actually be napping," Meredith grinned and he returned it as he looked up at her. Her eyes were shining now and felt himself gently slide her hoodie up slightly to reveal just a bit of her belly and he pressed his lips to the spot before standing up. Meredith's hand caught his and he squeezed it tightly, holding onto her as silence fell over them both. It was peaceful and right and Derek let himself breathe into it, exhaling and then inhaling the second as his brain started to clear.
"Get some sleep," he whispered. "I have to shower and then...get some sleep."
"Okay," she agreed. "Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to love you, too," she breathed.
"I...okay," he said around a lump in his threat. He bent down to kiss her again and then turned to go into his bathroom. He could hear her shifting to get comfortable and he took a slow, deep breath, trying to familiarize himself with the new feeling that had decided to take residence in his body. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this way, but it was somehow more freeing than coming to Oakbrook Falls. He had made a decision that day to live, to start rebuilding what was left in the wreckage of his life, and now he had just felt like he had made the biggest decision of his life.
Meredith wanted to love him. She wanted him and that thought was enough to make him need to catch his breath in the best of ways. They were going to do this. He and Meredith were going to learn each other without holding back and they were going to love each other one day. It was more than he had ever hoped for and he couldn't hold back the smile that spread over his features as he looked in the mirror. They were going to do this, he was going to do this, and he was suddenly all to aware of the fact that his eyes were bright with excitement as his smile reached them.
And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
Author's Note: Sorry for how long this took. The anxiety of the current situation has obviously frozen me in place. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom or something but I am as terrified as I have ever been. So I will just say this: be kind to yourself. Be safe. STAY HOME.