Chapter 23- An Ending is Never Easy
It had been a long time since Derek had been able to notice his emotions were on some kind of shift. When he had first come to Oakbrook Falls, he had been too lost in his depression to notice much of anything, and he didn't think there had been a specific day when that had changed. He still wasn't sure if his depression had necessarily lifted, or if he had just been able to learn to live with it, to adapt to his new normal. He had developed his routines, built his walls, and had let himself fall into every day life. Eventually, that had led to him just becoming comfortable with where his life had ended up, and that had been enough for twenty years. But today actually felt different, he felt different. There wasn't a heaviness to his every movement and breathing didn't feel like a chore. He could feel a smile tugging at his lips instead of his brain forcing one, and he could almost swear there was a slight bounce to his step.
He almost felt twenty years younger, but he didn't want that. The Derek Shepherd from twenty years earlier was nothing like the current and he didn't think there was any way he could ever go back to being that carefree. The book from twenty years ago was itching to be finished, and he knew there was a new book that could be written now. There were still a lot of unanswered questions and pain that sometimes still felt all too fresh, but he wasn't going to fight the shifting of the pain anymore. He had something to hold onto now, something outside of being the town's doctor and his routines. There was Meredith, who didn't think he was a murderer, and who wanted him in her life. Not just in her life, because that would be incredible enough, but in her unborn daughter's life. That fact was enough to make his chest hurt in the best of ways, as the hope he had tamped down for twenty years began to spread its wings.
Their conversation just a couple of hours earlier still felt raw, but it didn't feel painful. He had always been afraid to talk about that night, afraid to pick at a wound that he wanted to believe had healed, but had instead stayed open under a rough bandage, gaping and infected. But now the band aid was off and he was letting it get air, actually giving it the opportunity to start a whole different process. His parents were right in the fact he had brought the Springers to Oakbrook Falls with him, and now he felt he just needed to let them out from underneath the bandage, too. They probably deserved to heal, too.
He had left Meredith sleeping in his bed, her exhausted body curved around his pillow. He still couldn't believe that she had made her choice so quickly, or that she was so sure about him. It had been so easy to believe that his past disqualified him from happiness, but Meredith didn't think so and that had been enough to make him watch her after his shower. The petite blonde journalist who had a sense of mystery about her wanted him, and he had wanted to be sure this wasn't a trick of his brain. And so he had watched her, thrilling at every breath she breathed, until he had been sure she wouldn't disappear. She was real, he was real, and none of this was floating away like a neglected balloon. After he had breakfast with his parents, she would still be waiting for him, and he would be able to start writing a new chapter.
A part of him worried he had forgotten how to do this, and the various differences from dating as a careless twenty-something and dating as a forty-something felt incredibly daunting. Meredith was going to have a baby soon, her career was in tatters, and he had kept his circle as small as possible over the last two decades, refusing to drag anyone into his darkness. It meant that were some incredible obstacles between them, and he just hoped he was worth the hard work to her. The suitcase was opened now and he had to hope that unpacking it and finding a new home for the loss of Alison and her family wouldn't make things too big for Meredith, especially since he was eager to get to know what was in her smaller suitcases.
He still had a lot of questions about her and she wasn't exactly as open as she maybe thought. He knew about Hailey's dead, but beyond that he didn't know much about the cat-eyed woman who was helping him to write the new book of his life. He knew her sister was dating Mark, but he also had taken note that it didn't seem like she had a lot of visitors since she had moved to Oakbrook Falls, and he wondered if that was by choice. She was mysterious but he was willing to learn slowly, just like he wanted her to learn more about him, past the years of silent trauma and his role as the town doctor. They could learn together, and that thought alone made his usually tight chest relax.
Snow was still falling in a heavy blanket around him and he had been getting blizzard warnings on his phone all morning, as well as a warning from Medevac that they wouldn't be flying out until the storm left the area. If he was lucky, the citizens of his little town would stay safe at home, but Derek was already preparing for hypothermia cases and falls on ice. It would be nice if he could spend the next day or two with Meredith, especially with the anniversary of Alison's death coming up, but that was feeling like a bit of a pipe dream. Whatever happened, he had to believe he could get through this anniversary better than the last nineteen, if only because he felt like he had something pushing him forward. Once it was all over, he could take a step back and survey the damage he had done over the last twenty years, though he knew without surveying that he needed to repair his relationship with his parents first.
A lot of hurt feelings had come out the night before, and he couldn't stop hearing his dad's voice on repeat that he wasn't going to spend his remaining years waiting for his son to be his son again. His life had frozen here and he had barely registered the passing of the years. His hair had gotten grayer and there more lines on his face, but he hadn't truly thought about his parents getting older, too. They were grandparents fifteen times over now, with their oldest grandchild technically old enough to maybe give them great-grandchildren. It had been thirty-five years since his dad had survived a shooting he never should have survived, and in reality, his parents were old now. They would hate him for thinking it, but it was suddenly hitting Derek how little time he might have left to be his dad's son. Guilt threatened to wash over him in all too familiar wave, and he pushed back at it with a resolution he hadn't felt in a long time.
The suitcase was open now and he was going to do better. There was a determination to his walk that had been missing for all too long and all he could hope was that this wasn't temporary. He had felt hints of this before, but his brain had always rushed to remind him that he didn't deserve happiness or a new life. He wasn't even sure why his brain was so quiet now, except that maybe the hope of a life with Meredith and Hailey seemed stronger than the depression he had suffered for years. It seemed so strange that he could feel hope again and he caught himself grinning as he walked towards Chris's cafe, where his parents were waiting together.
Even in the swirling snow, he could see how connected they seem. His mom's hand was nestled in Dad's, and Dad was looking at her like she had hung the sun, moon, and the stars. His parents' love had always been palpable; they had never tried to hold back or pretend they didn't fall more in love with each other every day. Their marriage had had to shift and change after Dad had been shot, but their love for each other had never faltered. Once upon a time, Derek had been desperate for that kind of love, but the universe had tried to deny him. And even now, as the wings of hope beat inside his chest, he found himself wondering what it would be like to love someone as much as his parents loved each other. "Hey, guys," he said as he walked towards them. "You didn't have to wait for me outside."
"We didn't have much of a choice," Dad reported as Derek kissed his mom's cheek. "I'm guessing the storm kept Chris home."
"Oh," Derek frowned. It wasn't unheard of that Chris wouldn't open the cafe during a blizzard, but he couldn't help the flutter of anxiety that something else could be happening.
"It sounds like this storm is going to be pretty big," Mom shook her head as she ran her hand over Dad's shoulder. "We're thinking we should head back before it gets worse."
"Unless you want us to stay, bud," Dad said quickly.
"I really am going to be okay, guys," Derek said out of a twenty year long habit. It felt like putting something else into the open suitcase though and he took a deep breath as he ran his gloved hand through his hair. "But...you guys need coffee and food and I...why don't you come over for breakfast? If the storm is too bad to drive, you can...and if it isn't, then you can at least have breakfast."
"We don't want to impose, sweetheart," Mom murmured.
"What your ma means is while we love Chris's coffee, we think that's a great idea," Dad grinned widely, his hands immediately going to the wheels of his chair.
"Michael Patrick Shepherd, that is not at all what I meant!"
"Mom, it's really okay," Derek insisted as his dad laughed and started wheeling forward. "Meredith is over but...it really is okay. Coffee and...well, it will probably be cheese omelettes for breakfast and then you guys can go if it's safe."
"Meredith is over?" Mom asked. They were following Dad now and while Mom was looking forward at her husband, Derek couldn't miss the way her voice changed with the question.
"I talked to her last night," Derek murmured as Dad came to a stop and reached for Mom's gloved hand. "I told her everything, all of it, and she asked for some time but then...I get the sense she hates gray areas because she was waiting for me after my run this morning."
"And what did she say?"
"That she wants to be with me," he breathed, feeling the muscles of his cheeks pull as the grin spread across his features. "She said the accident wasn't my fault and that she wants to help me and...god, I want to be with her too."
"That...oh, Derek," Mom murmured. She reached to quickly wipe her eyes as Dad roughly cleared his throat. They had lost this in the past, the opportunity to see him make decisions about moving on. He hadn't told them he was moving to Oakbrook Falls in person, he had just called them and told them, and it was easy to understand why they might have thought he was running instead of starting over. But this was a real step, a big step. It was something his parents had hoped for and now it was happening and all he could think to do was to squeeze Mom's shoulder tightly as she let out a slow breath.
"I don't know how or even if it will work," he warned softly. "But I want to be with her. She makes me feel like maybe I can do this."
"You can do this," Mom murmured. "I'm just so happy you're giving yourself the chance, sweetheart. It's past time to let yourself move forward."
"And to forgive yourself," Dad pointed out. "I always thought Ed put far too much blame on you, bud. He was angry and had lost more than any man should have to lose, but he took away your healing."
"It's not his fault, Dad," Derek insisted. "I know I have to stop thinking it was my fault but we wouldn't have been at that intersection to do a u-turn if I hadn't forgotten my wallet. I can see...who else was there to blame?"
"Not a scared twenty-five year old who had just lost his fiancée," Dad stated as he shook his head.
"I don't think this is a good time to drudge all this up," Mom murmured. "Let's focus on something positive today. Especially with...well, these next few days are never easy for you, Derek."
"I know and I'm actually worried about that," he confessed, running his hand over his jaw as they started walking again. "I want to be with Meredith and I want to be...whatever she'll let me be for Hailey. But then I think of Alison and I don't ever want—she's my fiancée. I know she's gone but I can't think of her as my ex. She's my fiancée and I want her to still have that spot."
"She'll always have that spot, sweetheart," Mom assured him. "That spot doesn't go away just because she's gone and you're with someone else. Even if one day you decide to build a life with Meredith and her baby, Alison can still be your fiancée. It isn't one or the other. You have more than enough love to give to cover them both."
"I know I do, I even told Meredith that," Derek agreed, digging his keys out of his front pocket. He would have to wake up Meredith for breakfast with his parents, and it was suddenly dawning on him that she might see this as some kind of ambush after yesterday. His parents were two of the most amazing people he had ever known, but they could be a lot. He would have to hope they would understand if Meredith wasn't up to having a meal with them right now, especially after the last twenty-four hours.
"So what's the problem?" Dad asked.
"I just...I haven't done this in twenty years," he breathed and then turned to them. "She's sleeping and if she doesn't want to do breakfast, can you guys give her a break?"
"Of course, sweetheart," Mom smiled softly. "This is new for both of you and we won't force anything on her that she isn't comfortable with."
"It's just been a lot over the last day and I've already drained her enough," he stated as he unlocked his front door. "I'm just going to let her know I'm home." He threw his keys into the side table and then made his way back to his bedroom, his heart pounding a little. He didn't want to freak Meredith out and he was starting to wonder if he was already messing up his desire to make everything better for the people in his life. Maybe he was going too fast and he just needed to come up with some kind of plan or something. He knew he couldn't repair the damage with his parents in a day, but it had seemed so tempting to at least get started, but it meant he was definitely putting too much on Meredith.
Maybe he could just have a quick breakfast with his parents and Meredith wouldn't have to know, but even as that thought popped into his head, he knew it would never work. He was just going to have to follow Meredith's lead in this, and the second he opened his bedroom door, hope blossomed in his chest again, warming his chilled body. She was curled into his pillow, gripping it just over her belly, which was bare under a white long sleeved shirt that didn't quite cover it. Her red hoodie was on the floor, discarded at some point since he had left, and he stepped forward quietly to watch her for a second. It never ceased to amaze him how absolutely beautiful Meredith Grey was, but that feeling was now partnered with a feeling of possession that he hadn't felt in so long that he almost hesitated to name it. She wanted to be his as much as he wanted to be hers, and that seemed like the kind of miracle he had stopped believing in twenty years ago. His fingers reached out to gently brush her blonde waves off her face, and he grinned as her nose scrunched slightly and then relaxed as a soft sigh escaped her lips. "Hey," he whispered, kneeling down beside the bed as he allowed his knuckles to gently skin her cheek.
"Hmmm..." she sighed again as her eyes fluttered open, closed, and then opened again. "Hey."
"Sorry to wake you," he breathed.
"'Sokay," Meredith shook her head, yawning widely as she turned towards him. "She isn't that interested in sleep anyway."
"She's not?" He laughed softly. He pressed his other hand to her stomach, grinning as he was greeted with tiny tapping feet. "Active little mouse."
"Is it wrong to call my unborn child a brat?"
"As her doctor, it's my job to remind you that she's testing all of her muscles, and that's a good thing," he shrugged as he traced the baby's movements across Meredith's stomach. He had never thought he would experience this, and even if Hailey wasn't his, he was still absolutely enthralled by her. She made him feel as hopeful as her mother did, and he wondered if there was one kind of special, genetic power the Greys held over him. "As your doctor, I want you to get as much rest as possible."
"I'll be okay," she insisted, releasing his pillow and sitting up slowly. "I thought you were eating breakfast with your parents."
"I was...or I am," he nodded, shifting to sit into the bed next to her. "The snow is getting worse so Chris didn't open the cafe this morning. I...I invited them here. My mom is already probably getting breakfast ready for us."
"Oh," Meredith nodded slowly, wrapping her arm over her belly while her other hand clasped her wrist. "So...your parents are here. And I'm here. We're all here. That's...I mean, that's great and you should definitely spend time with them. Spending time with your parents is...I mean when my parents go to New York for Christmas I'll be spending time with them and it's—good—really good to spend time with them and you should spend time with yours. Especially because they drove all this way and you haven't exactly been present or whatever."
"Okay, slow down," he murmured, reaching to cup her cheeks. "You don't have to have breakfast with us if you don't want to. I...my dad said something last night and it's stuck with me so when they said Chris's was closed, I said they could come over for a bit. I realize I should have thought of you but I already told them you might not be comfortable with a family breakfast yet."
"What did he say to you?" She asked softly.
"Oh," Derek breathed, leaning forward so that their foreheads touched. "He said he wasn't going to spend the remaining years of his life waiting for me to be his son on my terms."
"Wow."
"Yeah," he agreed, smiling as he felt their breaths mix. "My dad is an amazing man and he's been through more than most people. I just...they're getting older and I've put them through a lot of pain. I don't want to do it anymore."
"You're unpacking the suitcase," she smiled.
"I'm trying to," he nodded slowly. "But if you want to hide out in here until they're gone, you can. This isn't your suitcase to unpack and we can wait until things aren't as big for this part of things."
"I...is your mom a good cook?"
"Amazing."
"I mean, Hailey and I are hungry," she nodded, her fingers trailing up and down her stomach. "But I reserve the right to run if things get too weird."
"Right to run is definitely reserved," Derek agreed, pulling back to look into her golden green eyes. "Are you sure about this? I know the last day has been a lot."
"I'm not sure at all," she shrugged. "But hunger and journalistic curiosity are really sure."
"Of course," he laughed softly as he cupped her cheek again. Her skin was slightly pink, there were dark circles under her eyes, but she was smiling and that felt like enough right now. Once his parents were gone, they could start a fire and actually start this new book of his life. "We're doing this, right?"
"We're doing this," she confirmed before leaning forward to kiss him. It was a new yet strangely familiar feeling for him and each kiss left him wanting more in about a hundred different ways. It had never occurred to him that he would ever kiss anyone ever again after Alison, but Meredith was here and she was brave enough to lead him through this. "I did hope to look a little better when I tried to make up for your parents' first impression of me."
"You look beautiful," he shook his head, running his hand along her belly. "You might want to look into getting clothes that fit but...gorgeous."
"Hey!" Meredith smacked his arm. "This shirt fit like two weeks ago."
"Growing little mouse," he laughed softly as he reached for her hoodie on the floor. "My parents aren't going to worry about what you look like. They're just happy that I'm taking steps now. My mom cried on the walk here."
"If you tell me things like that, my mommy hormones are going to go crazy," she warned, slipping the hoodie on. "I'm going to pee and splash some water over my face."
"Okay," he smiled. He gripped her hands and gently helped her to stand, making a silent promise to himself to explore her changing body when they were alone. He was fascinated by what she would look like once Hailey was here, but for now her changing curves in her petite frame were a constant source of curiosity for him. He pressed a soft kiss to her nose and then watched her waddle into his bathroom before sitting back down in the bed with a soft sigh.
A lot was changing. This morning he had been intent on getting his routines back on track, but instead he was having breakfast and the pregnant woman he was dating. It was a lot of change, but he just needed to remember how light he had felt all morning. He couldn't let the panic or the uncertainty fill him, not this time. For the last twenty years, he had been frozen in so many ways, and now he deserved to move. He needed to just hold onto the burst of hope and determination and try to ignore the uncertainty that was trying to creep back in. He wanted to be with Meredith, she wanted to be with him, and he needed to be sure he didn't fall back into the darkness for her.
Her smile when she had pointed out he was unpacking his suitcase had nearly broken him, if only because she had sounded vaguely surprised. He had promised her that now that the suitcase was open, he would begin to unpack it and he didn't want her doubting that, or wondering how long it would take him. This was the beginning of something big, and he never wanted Meredith to think his suitcase was going to hold them back or hurt them. He was looking forward now, and that meant introducing her officially to his parents. It was big, possibly bigger than the suitcase, but he wanted to do it. "Okay, I think this is the best I can do right now," Meredith sighed as she walked out of his bathroom, her hair in a slightly messy ponytail, with some wavy strands framing her cheeks.
"You look gorgeous," he assured her, standing from his bed to take her hand. "They really aren't going to care."
"I get that but this just..." she shrugged, pointing to her stomach. "I'm sure your parents never thought they would meet someone you were dating who was pregnant with another man's baby."
"I don't care about that and neither will they," he stated firmly. "Hailey is yours and that's all that matters to me."
"Still, not exactly the world's greatest way to meet your parents."
"Mer, stop worrying about it," he murmured to her, squeezing her hand tightly. "This isn't about your or Hailey, okay? As long as I'm actually moving forward, they're going to be okay."
"I...okay, you might have a point," Meredith agreed. "This is just...different all around, I guess."
"It is," he nodded. "But we're doing this."
"We're doing this," she echoed softly, smiling up at him as they walked into the kitchen. Dad was at the counter next to Mom, cutting some fruit as she broke some eggs into a bowl. Derek could already smell coffee brewing and he smiled as he listened to his parents laugh together. They looked so effortless and comfortable together and Derek pulled Meredith close as he cleared his throat and his parents turned from their tasks.
"Mom, Dad, this is Meredith Grey," he announced as he shifted to wrap his arm around her disappearing waist so that his hand could rest on her belly, where he could feel Hailey wiggling. "Meredith, these are my parents, Mike and Carolyn Shepherd."
"We kind of already met, Derek," Meredith giggled before turning to his parents. "It's um...nice to see you guys again."
"And in much better circumstances this time," Dad grinned as he wheeled forward to shake Meredith's hand. "Though I'm not opposed to the shock and awe approach."
"Michael, really," Mom shook her head as she wiped her hands on a dish towel. "It's wonderful to see you again, Meredith. Can I get you anything? Some juice?"
"She gets a cup of coffee in the morning, Mom," Derek explained, squeezing Meredith's waist slightly.
"I'm okay now, Mrs. Shepherd, thank you," Meredith smiled. "I'll have coffee with my breakfast."
"Which I'm just getting started now," Mom smiled at her. "Derek said something about cheese omelettes so I'm guessing it's a craving. Mike cut up some fruit too and I'm going to get some breakfast potatoes going."
"Ma, you really don't have to go all out," Derek sighed.
"Oh, hush, Derek," Mom shook her head before turning back to the stove. "Mike, is the fruit ready?"
"Yes, dear," Dad winked at Meredith and then wheeled back to the counter to spoon fruit into some bowls. "Fruit salad a la Mike, the perfect appetizer for breakfast."
"Thanks, Mr. Shepherd," Meredith giggled as she sat down at the kitchen table, her hand gently moving over her belly. Derek sat down next to her, immediately moving his chair closer to her and taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure if his parents had discussed how they would act in front of Meredith, but this all felt remarkably normal. This was how his parents behaved at home, except for when they tiptoed around him. Mom was the queen of the kitchen and dad was her faithful squire, which always made her roll her eyes. But it was nice to not have them be unsure around him, to just treat him like he was...him. It had been far too long and while he wasn't sure how long it would last, he was hoping they could go home with the image of him happy with Meredith.
"When are you due, Meredith?" Mom asked over the sizzling if the potatoes in he stove.
"Oh...February twenty-third," Meredith replied.
"Well that's just a couple weeks after Derek's birthday," Dad grinned, putting a bowl of fruit salad with a little bit of sugar on top in front of Meredith.
"It is?" Meredith turned to him, frowning a bit. "You never told me that."
"It never came up," Derek shrugged. "And I'm not...I don't really celebrate or...it never came up."
"No, I definitely feel like you could have easily worked that into conversation," She shook her head, elbowing him. "You know my birthday."
"From your chart," he laughed.
"Yeah, you have a lot more information about me than I have about you, which you got by cheating."
"Or by being a good doctor."
"Cheating," she insisted. "When's your birthday?"
"February twelfth," he answered, taking a bite of the fruit salad.
"He wasn't supposed to come until the nineteenth," Dad announced, shaking his head. "I was planning to spoil my girl for Valentine's Day, bit of a last hurrah before the third kid came, but he decided to come early. Carolyn jokes that was her present to me, the boy I always wanted."
"And I still stand by that," Mom laughed softly.
"I know you do but I still don't think it was very nice of him to surprise us like that," Dad stated before turning back to Meredith. "Both of the girls before him came late, so I was really banking on the end of the month based on experience, but my buddy was ahead of everyone else from the day he was born."
"Really?" Meredith grinned widely as she cocked her head to the side. "I bet you were a cute baby."
"He was," Dad agreed. "Bald, but cute."
"Dad," Derek groaned.
"Well, you were. It took you about a year to get your hair in, and I remember wondering if the nurses had switched you at the hospital."
"Which is absolutely ridiculous because the second he was born, he looked exactly like you," Mom pointed out.
"He still does," Meredith offered. "When I first saw you...you look like him in thirty years."
"But more handsome," Dad grinned.
"Honestly, Michael," Mom shook her head as Derek glanced at Meredith. Her eyes were sparkling and she actually looked relaxed, if not tired. His dad was incredibly good at putting people at ease, and it was pretty clear that's what was happening now. "I don't want to get too personal, Meredith—"
"Her dad isn't involved," Meredith cut off his mom. "I don't want to...but he doesn't want to be involved and that's fine. We'll be okay without him."
"Oh," Mom nodded slowly and then turned to lean against the counter. "And your family?"
"My parents live in Seattle, but they're going to come stay to help when she's born," Meredith explained. "And my sister...well, you guys know my sister."
"We do?" Dad frowned and then his eyes widened behind his glasses. "Grey. Your sister is Lexie? Mark's Lexie?"
"Yeah," Meredith confirmed "Hailey's actually named after her. Hailey Alexandra Grey."
"Well I'll be," Dad laughed, pounding his hand on the table. "That's a hell of a thing. Mark and Derek dating sisters."
"We love Lexie," Mom smiled softly. "She's so good for Mark and of course she had mentioned her pregnant sister but we never thought...you're Lexie's sister."
"She loves you guys too," Meredith nodded. "I...I mean I told her about Derek but asked her...just because we weren't sure..."
"Of course," Mom murmured, glancing at Dad who just shrugged, Derek doubted Meredith noticed it, but he knew it meant that they had talked about him before to Lexie. Meredith had already told him what her sister had said about him, but he really did wonder if that had been Mark's take or his parents. Based on the looks they were sharing, he could only figure it had been theirs. "Lexie said your parents are coming for Christmas."
"They are," Meredith nodded around a mouthful of fruit. "If I'm not too huge to fit behind a steering wheel, I'm going to drive to the city to spend Christmas with them."
"That sounds wonderful," Mom murmured before looking at Derek and then turning back to the stove. Dad looked down at his hands, clearing his throat as Derek shifted in his chair. Sometimes he went to New York for Christmas and he usually figure he ruined it. He knew his family wanted him there, but he could never quite match the rest of the Shepherds for excitement. So much of his love for the holidays had disappeared over the last twenty years, and that made it impossible for him to pretend for the kids, even though they did always love seeing their uncle Derek.
He glanced at Meredith, who was turning her fork over in her fingers slowly, and then at his parents who were both silent, their backs straight as they looked at anything but him. "I'll drive you, Mer," he heard himself say before he had even had a second to process the idea.
"You will?" Mom asked in a choked voice he had heard far too many times in the last twenty years.
"You don't have to, Derek," Meredith said quickly.
"I know but I will," he shrugged, gently grasping her hand in search of the calming effect she had. "I can't stay gone for too long but a few days...then I can drive you back. It will be safer."
"It will be but you really.." Meredith trailed off, her eyes meeting his as her fingers squeezed his. She understood, he knew that. She understood why Mom's voice was choked and why Dad had suddenly gotten far too interested in a piece of an apple.
"I can drive you," he murmured to her and then straightened his back. "I'm guessing I can stay in my old room for Christmas?"
"Your room is always available for you, sweetheart," Mom whispered though she still hadn't turned from the stove.
"So I'll go to the city for Christmas," he nodded firmly. "Now I don't have to worry about shipping all the gifts."
"Well, that decision can wait until closer to," Dad said in a cheerful voice as he rolled towards the coffee maker.
"No, it doesn't," Derek insisted, squeezing Meredith's hand again. "Guys, I know I've done this before. I know I have said I'm coming and then I change my mind and come up with an excuse but...I'm going to come this year."
"You said that for Liam's christening," Mom pointed out softly. She turned from the stove slowly, her eyes wet behind her glasses. "And for the twins' graduation. Chelsea called and begged you to come for her science fair last year but the second you walked into the house...you took one look at that backyard and said you had gotten an emergency call."
"I...I can go," Meredith whispered, bracing herself on the table as she started to stand. Derek immediately grabbed her hand again and pulled her back down, trying to find the words in his tight chest to tell her that he needed her here.
"Carolyn, maybe now isn't the time for hurt feelings," Dad whispered. "We even agreed last night might have gone too far."
"It didn't, Dad," Derek murmured. "Last night is why you're here right now. Last night is why I'm saying I'm coming."
"I'm just tired of unkept promises, Derek," Mom sighed. "Your sisters and your nieces and nephews are tired of unkept promises."
"I know they are and I know I have a lot to make up for," He sighed as he ran his free hand through his hair. Unpacking the suitcase wasn't going to be easy, and really, the fall out from it was going to feel impossible. But Meredith was sitting next to him, quiet but strong, and the sound of Dad's voice from the night before was overtaking his brain, blocking out any other thought process. Usually, he wouldn't have allowed this conversation to get this far but now he had to. He had to be the son his parents wanted on their terms. "I want to be there, Ma. I don't know how I'll be doing but I want to be there. I need to be there."
"Sweetheart, I know right now you are feeling like you've broken through and I am so excited for that," Mom whispered. "I want you to go through this process and I want...what I want I haven't dared to hope for in years. But you can't just wake up one day and be better."
"I know that, Ma," Derek murmured. "But I am taking a first step right now and I am telling you I will be there for Christmas. Mer will kill me if I change my mind."
"I...I don't..." Meredith shook her head, her eyes a little wide.
"I know I haven't been the best son," Derek whispered. "I know I have used the crash as an excuse and neither of you deserve that. I'm trying to fix it."
"And we appreciate that, buddy," Dad assured him. "We just also want you to know that we realize this is going to take some time."
"And I'm hoping I can make up for it all before..." Derek took a deep breath as he felt his throat constrict. "I don't want this to take up too much time. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pills and then running away and keeping you out of my life. It's...I'm sorry."
"I don't necessarily think an apology is needed," Dad smiled as he put a cup of coffee in front of Meredith, "but it is appreciated, bud."
"Ma?" Derek looked up at his mother. Her eyes were wet and dark, and the hand that was holding the spatula was shaking just a little bit. He could see the muscles of her neck working as she swallowed hard and then nodded.
"We can start working on it together," she whispered tightly. "Dad and I have a lot to work on too."
"Working on it together sounds good," Derek breathed. He dropped Meredith's hand and walked over to his mom to pull her into a tight hug, holding her against him as her shoulders shook a little. "I can do this, Mom. I really can."
"I know that, sweetheart," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "We just have to do it right this time. Not just for you or your family, but for the family you want to have."
"I know, Ma," he agreed, squeezing her even tighter when he felt some wetness on his shoulder. They both took deep breaths together and he could feel his mother digging for the strength that had gotten her through some of the darkest days of her life. He had always wondered where it lived in her, or how she had even found it after Dad had been shot, and now he just wanted an ounce of it.
"Well, those potatoes smell incredible, Carolyn," Dad said with a cough and Derek backed away from his mom and walked to get some creamer out of the fridge for Meredith. "And it's been a bit since I had a good cheese omelette."
"Hailey is a bit of a mouse and is addicted to cheese," Derek explained with a smile. He reached out to squeeze his dad's shoulder as he put the creamer on the table and let out a sigh of relief when his dad's gnarled hand closed around his for the briefest of moments.
"Derek calls her little mouse and I think the nickname is going to stick," Meredith giggled slightly.
"Oh, it's definitely going to stick," he laughed as he rubbed her stomach. "Right, little mouse? This is your name now."
"Well, I'm all for following the cravings of little mice," Dad grinned before turning back to Meredith. "If we're comparing them to animals, Derek was a little raccoon in the womb. He wanted nothing but junk food."
"Really?" Meredith gasped. "What happened?"
"I'm honestly not sure," Dad sighed. "It started with a dislike of cake and it went downhill from there. Though there are few things he'll say no to if his ma cooks it."
"That's true," Derek agreed. He leaned closer to Meredith until his lips were just over her ear. "Good?"
"Yeah," she breathed, reaching for his hand. "You?"
"Hmmm..." he breathed before kissing her neck softly. Mom was bringing the food to the table now and Dad was getting into story time mode, which definitely meant Meredith was about to be entranced by him. It felt so normal, like what his siblings had always described with their significant others and Derek was grateful for that much at least. He wanted to believe the normalcy could continue, that his breakthrough was going to be a complete turnaround, but he also knew his mom was right. This probably wasn't the beginning of a new chapter, but the end of the old one, and he needed to be prepared for how long it could take.
He had no idea how he would handle the anniversary of Alison's death or Christmas or even just dating Meredith. He didn't know what unpacking the suitcase would look or feel like and while he hoped it wouldn't hurt, he also knew it probably would. But right now, in this moment, he didn't want to worry about fear or hurt. He didn't want to give into the anxiety that was swirling beneath the surface, threatening the hope that was currently pushing forward. Right now, he just wanted to sit with Meredith and his parents and pretend, just for a little, that the hard part really was over.
I want to watch wisteria grow
Right over my bare feet
'Cause I haven't moved in years
And I want you right here
Author's Note: Wooooo boy. I would apologize for how long this took but I don't want to make any promises about how things might get regular. 2020 has been an absolutely awful year and I don't see it getting better any time soon. This pandemic is scary and I have truly struggled with my own mental health in ways I can't explain. I do want to say that I hope this urge to write continues because it's starting to feel therapeutic again. And also, I hope you are all healthy and doing as well as can be expected. We are currently surviving a global trauma and it is okay if you need help. Please reach out for it. Xo Katie