Disclaimer: I don't own RvB. Or anything else I happen to reference.
Episode 27: The Results of Planning
Once again, the Reds, Blues, and Tex were standing around, talking. Though, Red was doing a good amount of the talking. "Okay, listen up, Dirtbags!" he barked. "If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I have two options we can use." Dex groaned, but Red paid it no mind. "Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside."
"Oh, yeah, right. No. They're not gonna be surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down!" Tucker objected. Red turned to him with a slight chuckle.
"That's the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So, if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through," Red said. Rick scoffed.
"A, you're not the most important person to the success of this mission, Red Sargent. And B, no. We don't have a chance with that plan, you do. I'm sorry, but not with ten thousand men could you do this, it is folly," he said. Dex chuckled.
"Yeah, gotta agree. Though, I also have to say... While that may be the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I would like to thank you for not putting me at the front of the line," he said.
"Don't get misty, Francine. We'd have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill," Red said. Dex sighed while everyone else just stared at Red. "It's perfect, given out current situation." Everyone continued to stare at him. "Okay, well, my other idea was to use parts from the Warthog..."
"STOP!" yelled Dex, spreading out his arms. Surprisingly, this got Red to stop. "No-one is touching my baby! I've put too much work into calibrating that thing and gotten far too attached to the piece of salvage for you to dismantle it for something like a Grif Cannon! In fact, I'm just about done with this whole charade, orders or no. So, either you come up with a plan that leaves all of us with at least a chance of survival, or you let someone else take over leadership. I've had it with your disregard for our lives," he said, glaring at Red. The other soldier sighed and hung his head.
"Fine. Tex, Grif, what do you two have in mind?" he asked. Tucker jerked and looked toward Dex, who settled back and closed his eyes, thinking over their skills and ranges.
"What just happened?" Tucker asked, looking between the thinking Dex and the slightly slumped Red. Rick chuckled and threw an arm around Tucker's shoulder.
"Well, my Blue friend, the alpha Red just got schooled by the omega Orange, who is, at least for now, the new alpha," he said. Tucker stared at him.
"Grif made Sarge acknowledge that he had good plans and that Sarge's plans weren't worth a spent frag grenade," Eagle explained. Tucker let out an understanding 'ah' and nodded before turning back to Dex and Tex.
/*/
Tex nearly jumped when Grif suddenly pointed at her. "You any good as a sniper, Agent?" he barked. She found herself reflexively nodding. Grif nodded back and turned to Eagle. "You'll go with Tex. Find a vantage point and take out the turrets. I don't care how you do it, just make it happen. Take Tucker with you, in case you're spotted."
"I'm good..." Tex began, not really sure why she was trying to defend herself. Not that it really mattered, as Grif cut her off.
"I'm sure you are. Heck, I've seen you in action before. No, I'm not doubting your skills. I'm doubting your willingness to cover an absolutely worthless close combat fighter. At least on your own. That's why I'm sending Tucker with you. Plus, I've heard he has pretty good eyes. He'll act as a spotter for the both of you," he said before whirling around to point at Sarge. "You'll escort Caboose down the stairs and along the left side of the base. He dose not get shot, you understand? We lose him, we lose the payload. We lose the payload... Tex kills us for not holding up our end of the bargain. Caboose! You carry the bomb. Drop it anywhere but the marker, we lose the game. Understand?" Caboose nodded and Grif turned to Simmons. "You're with me."
"I'm almost scared to ask but... what are we doing?" Simmons asked, and if his voice quavered... well. No-one would say anything.
"Sadly, we get stuck with the most dangerous job. Again," Grif sighed. "We're going to be acting as bullet magnets, drawing their fire and giving the sniper team a chance to take out the turrets. Preferably leaving the operators alive. Maimed... eh, I can deal with that, but I need them alive. Tex, you got that? Alive, Freelancer." Tex glared at the orange soldier, but she nodded. "Wonderful. Any problems and or questions?"
"Yeah. When did you become a strategist?" asked Tucker. Grif shrugged.
"Not sure. I guess... I learned on the job," he said. Tex had a feeling there was a story behind that... then she felt like bashing her head into the wall. Of course. Agent Orange. How could she forget. "Anything else?"
"Yeah... I don't have a sniper rifle," Tex said, raising her hand. Orange shrugged.
"Then bullet lob. Or ask Eagle for a grenade... or ten," he said. Tex turned to look at the pink soldier. The young man chuckled and pulled out a pair of grenades... and then another... and another... until he has nearly twenty on the sand. "Yeah... I don't know how he does it, but he always has grenades on him. It's freaky," Orange said, motioning for Eagle, or Burgundy, to put it all away. Shrugging, the ranged expert did so, and far quicker than Tex thought possible. Seeing her stare, Eagle titled his head.
"Practice," he said, and Tex could hear the grin in his voice. She scoffed.
"You're still an amateur," she said, getting a laugh out of the pink trooper.
"Well, I am the rookie of Red Team," he said before stalking off toward the wall. "You guys coming?" Shaking their heads, Tex and Tucker followed.
/*/
Once the Above Team was away, Dex tapped Rick on the shoulder and jerked his head toward the front gate. Sighing, Rick pulled out his twin pistols and followed the mission leader into the fort. "You know, I'm a little surprised that Tex went along with your plan," Rick told his friend. Dex snorted.
"She would have come up with the same plan, or similar," he said with a shrug. "I gave her a note from Marley," he added seriously, causing Rick to sharply turn his head to look at him.
"Marley gave you a note for Tex?" he asked. Nodding, Dex pointed toward a large rock, signaling for them to move up. "Well, what did it say?" Rick pressed as they moved.
"Not sure, but I have a feeling that it had our contact information and our specialties. I was told to give it to Tex with the words, 'just so you know,' should we make a deal. I should have remembered before Tucker said anything but..." Dex trailed off with a shrug and Rick nodded. A moment later, Red spoke over the radio.
"B Team in position." Dex tensed slightly, Rick mimicking. A single click came over the channel, followed by Tex saying,
"A Team, ready."
"Go time," Dex declared, and vaulted over the rock, Rick rolling around the left side with a yell and flurry of bullets. O'Malley laughed as he fired on the fools, Lopez providing support. "Snipers!" Dex yelled, frustration clear in his voice. "Remember, need the head intact and the Purple Idiot alive!"
"Ya know, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless jerks I would yell at with Church," Tucker remarked. Dex actually found it in himself to chuckle.
"It's okay. We hate you too man," he said, faking getting all chocked up. "Now will one of you please take out those fudging turrets!?" A single shot rang out, and knocked Lopez's head off the turret he was somehow firing. "Thank you! Tucker, you and Tex cross the bridge, try to pin O'Malley down. Eagle, support. Rick and I will try to hold his attention."
"Roger that, Orange Leader," Eagle's voice said, causing Dex to moan and Rick to chuckle.
"Wait, why do I have to..." Tucker began, but Rick swiftly cut him off.
"We're facing the machine gun and O'Malley's rocket launcher. Once again, Dex has picked the most dangerous mission, and dragged me along for the painful ride. You don't get to complain," he barked.
"Right. Have fun with that!" Tucker said before the line went dead.
"Right. How're we gonna do this, Dex?" Rick asked, turning to his comrade. Dex looked back, tilting his head in a way reminiscent of Han Solo before raiding the shield control center on Endor... or of every other time they'd run head long into danger.
"Same way we always do. Charge in and do our best to dodge," Dex answered before throwing himself back into view and firing a few bursts at O'Malley before ducking behind another, closer, piece of cover. Rick followed, though he went in a slightly different direction and threw insults as well as bullets. Yep. Just your average Friday Fire Fight.
/*/
Meanwhile, Tex and Tucker had reached the windmill. "I can't see him from here. Let's move out," Tex told her still somewhat grouchy partner as she ran across the fan blade.
"Okay, but jus..." whatever else Tucker was going to say was cut off in a yell and the muffled 'thud' of a heavy body landing on a thick layer of dust. Surprised, Tex ran to the edge of the hole and looked down.
"Tucker! Are you okay?" she asked. Hey, she may have been a fragment of the Alpha A.I., but she wasn't a total jerk like Church.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I dropped down into some kind of hole. Can you give me a hand?" Tucker called back up. Bullets drew Tex's attention and she shook her head.
"Let me take care of this turret. I'll be back for you later." Okay, so she was kind of a jerk, but she was still better at caring than Church! Looking around to see if he couldn't find an exit, when something else caught his eye.
"What is that? Hoaho, what the heck it this?" he asked, picking up the strange object. "Maybe this isn't so bad after all."
/*/
Unfortunately, no plan survives contact with the enemy and so, Caboose was on his own and Red was yelling at O'Malley. Of course, this drew some of the heat off of Dex and Rick, but it also left Caboose without a babysitter. "I'm pinned!" Tex yelled. Dex was about to ask where Tucker was, when said cyan soldier showed up next to O'Malley.
"Hey jerk!" he yelled, making the possessed Doc turn. Tucker pulled out the strange, glowing blade he'd found in the hole.
"What is that?" O'Malley asked.
"Need him alive, Tucker!" Dex reminded forcefully. Tucker didn't say a word, he just ran forward and sliced the medic on the arm, then the leg, and sat on him. "Eh. Guess that works. Rick! Get up there! I'm going after Caboose," Dex said, moving off after the simple Blue. Tex was staring at Tucker's new weapon.
"Hey, where'd you get that?" she asked. Tucker shrugged, still sitting on O'Malley.
"I dunno. I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what..." he said, moving to get up.
"Now's not the time to show off, Lover Boy," Rick snarked over the radio. Tucker pouted, and tried to sit more heavily on O'Malley. He was met with limited success.
"Hey, you wanna trade it for this sniper rifle I found?" Tex offered, holding said rifle out to him. Tucker shook his head.
"No thanks. I'm good," he said, truly pleased with his new find. Hey, if Tex wanted it, he wasn't gonna give it up!
/*/
Not long after Tucker and Tex's exchange, Rick reached their position. "Thanks for holding him steady, Tucker. Now Doc, I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I'm going to try and get O'Malley out of your head. It will likely hurt, but you'll thank me in the long term," the Red told the pinned medic.
"Do what you need to. I'm not going anywhere," Doc said. Rick frowned even as he set to work. Doc sounded... weird. Not O'Malley weird just... Wait. He knew that kind of weird! He'd heard it when Grif went from 'Grif' to 'Dex'! Forcing those thoughts aside, Rick grit his teeth as he prepared the capture unit.
"For what it's worth... I'm sorry," he said, before he drove the capture spike into Doc's chest. The man let out a loud, pain filled scream, then went limp. The capture unit lit up an angry red and Rick pulled it from the limp body. "You can get up now, Tucker," Rick said, retracting the capture spike and locking the unit. "Dex, I have O'Malley. Have Caboose plant the bomb and let's get out of here."
"Roger. Red! Find Lopez's head. I think it was operating the right turret," Dex said.
"Wait... how was he pullin' the triggers?" Red asked. Rick smirked.
"He's always been rather determined," he said.
"And you're sure it was him?" Red said, as though refusing to believe Lopez would fight him.
"Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air. So either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year," Dex said.
"So where..." Red began.
"Tex shot it off the turret with a sniper round. If it's still operable, it should be near the turret. Even if it's inactive, as long as the memory unit is intact, I can get our plans off it," Rick said, bored with the banter, then turned to Tex. "You wouldn't happen to know where that robot head you shot landed would you?" he asked.
"No."
"Just checking. Now help me get this guy out of here," Rick said, picking up Doc's torso. Together, the three of them got the medic out. Along with the capture unit, though how they carried that out as well is anyone's guess seeing as their hands were full of Doc and Tex wasn't inclined to touch the thing much less carry it out of the condemned structure.
/*/
Red was a bit bamboozled when Caboose ran up to him, yammering about finding someone mean. Even meaner than O'Malley! So, naturally, everyone came to find out what it was, baring Tucker and Tex, who had been left to guard Doc, as well as the capture unit that somehow ended up in the sand beside the hapless medic. Turned out, Caboose had found a recording of Church in a computer. "And you call that meaner than the guy trying to destroy the universe?" Dex asked dryly.
"YES!" Caboose said. Just then, the recording looped. "See? It's Church, ahand he's being meaner than ever!" The recording looped again. "Church. I can hear you. Can you hear me?" Again, the recording looped. "Church. I can hear you. How are you?" Church repeated.
"It's a recording," Rick said flatly. Dex chuckled.
"Shush, I wanna see how long this lasts," he said. "I'm also recording this for Tex and Tucker."
"Well in that case, send me a copy too. I'll make a 'Freelancer Reacts' video out of it," Rick said.
"Deal."
"Church. I can hear you. Do you miss me?" Caboose asked. Red, tired of the whole thing, told Caboose to move over, and started messing with the console. "I carried the bomb and found Church. I, am a very important person."
"Yeah. I'm real impressed there buddy," Dex remarked.
"Hmm. I think I can reroute power from the main coupling to the memory..." Red began, but Dex strode forward and hit 'play.' "HEY!" Red said, bouncing to his feet.
"You want to give me more reason to beat you to within an inch of your life?" Dex growled across their secure channel. Red backed down quickly after that, and Church's message began to play.
"Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't. Touch. Anything. Apparently, you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race," Church's voice said. Caboose, apparently, didn't agree.
"Mmmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also," he said. Rick blinked and turned to Caboose.
"Wait. Where did you put that bomb?" he asked.
"I put it on the X. Like... I was s'posed to," Caboose answered. It might have just been his imagination, but Rick thought Caboose actually sounded worried.
"Perhaps we should get out of here," Dex suggested.
"Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there," Church went on. Rick groaned, palming his visor.
"Too late huh?" Dex asked. Rick nodded. "Nutty fudge," Dex said, hanging his head.
"And if you do, definitely don't bring it into the main building. Otherwise, the whole place is gonna lock down and you're gonna be trapped," Church said.
"Oh. Well that should be okay," Rick said, just before Tucker came running into the building yelling,
"O'Malley broke free!" The building locked down, steel shudders falling over the windows and bars sliding into place over the doors.
"Ah~! Spoke too soon," Rick moaned.
"Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or, say them ten seconds earlier!" Caboose yelled at the computer. Red contacted Tex and told her not to detonate the bomb... only to find out...
"I don't have a detonator. It's on..." Tex was running, and had just left helmet-to-helmet range.
"I think we might be in trouble," Red told the others, talking over the last of Church's message. A moment later, the computer 'helpfully' displayed that they had three minutes.
"Three minutes? She expected us to... oh wait. That's not counting how long we've been standing here, listening to the recording. I retract my unfinished statement," Dex said, leaning against one of the steel shudders. The first minute after lock down was filled with a lot of screaming and running around before Red declared,
"Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're going to die!"
"Yeah, that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir," Rick remarked, voice dripping with sarcasm. Tucker was beating on the shudder next to Dex's with his glowing sword thing.
"What if we just beat on these window shudders together. I think we can get 'em open," he said.
"No. That would be the coward's way out. Fruit..." Red began, before he was forced to dodge a knife.
"The Blue's in an open window. I think he might be onto something," Rick said.
"I don't care if we draw attention, in a life-or-death situation, drop the act!" Dex growled. That was when Church, the real Church, popped into existence on the other side other side of the bars behind Caboose.
"Hey everybody, what's up?" he asked.
"I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!" Caboose exclaimed.
"Yeah, that won't be necessary, Caboose," Church said, then turned to the computer. "Hey Gary, how ya doin'?" he asked. The computer answered, in a monotone voice,
"Not bad. Although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy," while displaying his words in green block text.
"The computer can talk?" questioned Rick, wondering if it was an A.I.
"The computer's name is Gary?" Dex asked, wondering who would name their computer that. It was such a dorky name! Said computer ignored them all, and spoke to Church.
"How have you been, Church?" The cobalt soldier shrugged.
"Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please," he said.
"No problem," Gary answered, and the bomb defused with one second left on the clock.
"Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't..." Red ranted at the computer, but said computer finished the question.
"You didn't ask." Red growled something unintelligible and stalked off. Church, however, seemed to be rather pleased.
"Man, it is really great to see you guys," he said.
"You seem like you're in a good mood," Tucker noted. Church turned to him.
"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem," he said, in what might be called a wise tone, when Caboose finished the saying for him.
"They could be worse." However, that apparently wasn't what Church had in mind.
"Nope. No matter how bad they seem, the can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things freaking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer whining," he said.
"Where have you been?" Caboose asked, echoing just about everyone's thoughts on the matter.
"You want the long version or the short version?" Church asked.
"I will take the easy version please," Caboose responded, though Tucker seemed to think this was the perfect opportunity for some fun.
"Oh, I wanna hear the long version, but can you tell me in three parts?" he asked.
"What did you hear," Dex asked, coming up to the three Blues. Church turned, and Dex had a feeling the Blue was highly confused.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Dex sighed.
"Over at Red Base. What did you hear, who did you meet, and what did you learn?" he said.
"Nothing man! I was more focused on my guys!" Church said defensively. Dex hummed, narrowing his eyes at the Blue.
"Really? Because your little mini speech to your Blue Buddies was a lot like my training officer's point of view," he said. That was when his helmet's radio buzzed.
/*/
Tired and bored out of her skull, Marley contacted the Reds. For no good reason, she started with Dex. She waited a moment to hear what was going on. She didn't want to interrupt a battle or anything. "If I find out..." Dex said, then seemed to realize the channel was open. "Marley."
"Um... am I... interrupting something over there?" she asked tentatively.
"No. You ever meet Church?" Dex replied. Marley sighed.
"He showed back up huh? No. We've never actually met," she said, just as Flowdie came in.
"Who?" he asked, sitting beside her, eyebrow raised.
"Church," she responded. Flowdie let out a small 'ah' and waved for her to continue, pulling out an unfinished carving. "So... where are you?" she asked.
"Not too sure. But I delivered your message. Good thing we made that deal when we did, otherwise I doubt we'd ever see Tex again. See, we caught O'Malley in Rick's capture unit, but somehow the crazy A.I. got out, took over Doc again, and once again forced his wounded body to run away. Tex gave chase," Dex informed them. Marley let out a loud, and far more colorful than usual, curse as she slammed her fist onto the dash board of her ship. Flowdie gave her a worried glance. It was unusual for Marley to lose her temper in such a manner. Did she have a bigger soft spot for Doc than he thought?
"What did you do," Marley asked, suddenly deathly calm. Flowdie could just imagine how confused Dex was right now.
"Um... You'd better ask Rick for more details on Doc and O'Malley. As for right now, I'm having a really weird conversation after trying to figure out just how much Church knew about us. He's currently giving me the robot version of the 'dude... what the fudge?' look," Dex said. Flowdie laughed. Loudly.
"Oh man, I wish I could see that! HA! Dex, you just made my day, soldier!" he said.
"Glad I could be of assistance there, Mad Cyan," Dex quipped. Marley sighed, banging her head on the dash. Repeatedly.
"Could we get back to the matter at hand?" she asked wearily.
"And that would be?" Dex asked. "Honestly, I am totally lost... and there are no compasses for this kind of thing."
"I want a debrief," Marley stated. Dex let out a hissing breath.
"Yyyeaaaaahhhh... could you call back later? Or, better yet, I'll call you later? Kinda... kinda in the middle of a small scale crisis here," he said, then forcefully cut the transmission. To say Marley was steamed would be an understatement.
"I'll set our course," Flowdie said, taking the controls.
"How do..." Marley began, but Flowdie cut her off with a smile.
"You said they wound up back at Blood Gulch not long after Church popped back up, so that's where we'll go. Once there, it'll just be us and the Reds. You'd be free to plow a cornfield with their faces, one after another," he said. Marley gaped at him, then slowly grinned.
"Have I ever told you I love how your devious mind works?" she purred. Flowdie chuckled.
"Nope. But it's nice to know," he said, gunning the ships propulsion systems and sending The Ghost screaming through space toward Blood Gulch.
/*/
Dex sighed, looking back toward Church. "Sorry about that. That was... someone I thought you knew. It's no big deal," he said. Church just stood there, staring at him. "So! I'm gonna..."
"We made a deal, Dex," Church finally said. Dex tilted his head to the right.
"Deal?"
"Yeah. I tell you guys about Freelancer, you guys tell me about you. Well, I'm ready to hold up my end of the deal. Are you?" Church said. Dex looked around, then sighed.
"Not around Gary. I don't trust that guy. If we ever get back to Blood Gulch, I'll do what I can. It'd... also help if the person I was talking to would be there. Trust me, if I spill the beans before Black gives me the go ahead..." he shuddered theatrically. "Let's just say, O'Malley is Doc in comparison to an angry Black." Church would have paled had he been flesh and blood.
"Okay then. I'm... gonna go... catch up with my guys. Bye," he said, then fled. Dex chuckled.
"Yeah. I thought so," he said before heading back to where Rick was fiddling with the Warthog. "Got a plan?"
"Nah man, just scanning the frequencies for some practice. There's also a chance I'll pick up someth..." Rick said before a distress signal cut him off. "Speak of the plot," he muttered, sitting up and leaning over the radio in increased interest.
"Distress, distress, help, we don't need any more distress, distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress," a high pitched, frantic voice said. Dex could almost see Rick's determination and anger.
"Dex... prime the jeep. I'm getting Eagle and Sarge," he said. Dex shivered slightly. Most people when they got royally ticked were loud, demonstrative, reckless, and violent. When Rick was royally ticked, he was quiet, methodical, and precise... though that could easily translate to him going silent, building a bomb, implanting it into your armor as you sleep, and programming it to explode when you said a certain phrase or went above or below a certain speed. And right then... Rick's voice was quite and quivering with tightly controlled rage.
"Heaven help those poor idiots," Dex said, running systems checks on everything, "they just called out a monster."
/?/
A/N: Yeah, a little shorter than my usual monsters, but if I added another full episode's worth... Yikes! Anyway, hope you enjoyed this and let me know if there's something specific you'd like to see in a future Episode.
A/N 2: Continuity and spelling have been checked over, though I have to say, this is where things start to go a little funny. Let's hope I can keep up with myself. 8/20/16