Chapter 24- The Little Empire of the Fireside (TW:suicide)

In some ways, the last twenty-four hours felt like ocean waves that had dragged Meredith under, making everything around her feel misty. She almost felt like she was floating, barely kicking her way to the surface because the blurred edges of this chimerical world were more enjoyable than anything the real world could give her. She was at Derek's cabin still, a fire was crackling, and she was wrapped in Derek's Columbia hoodie as her back was supported by an ottoman. She was warm and happy and if all of this was some cruel dream world, she didn't want to wake up. It just sounded like a better idea to stay here with Derek than to wake up in her bed only to discover none of this had happened and Derek was still trapped in his grief.

Nothing about today had gone the way she would have expected it to go, but it had been an amazing morning. Besides the fact that Derek somehow looked lighter with his sparkling eyes and coy smile, she had actually had a great time meeting his parents, which she definitely hadn't expected. She knew she was coming into some major family drama that needed time to be healed, but Derek's parents were actually really amazing people. Mike was an extroverted flirt, though Meredith didn't think his eyes had ever left Carolyn, who was quieter but exuded strength. They had asked her questions about Hailey, about her plans for the future, and didn't seem to judge her when she admitted she wasn't sure yet. And when they had finally decided to leave while the storm was stalled in the Finger Lakes region, Carolyn had pulled her into an impossibly tight hug that had immediately transported her back to the first time Susan had ever hugged her. It was a hug that promised caring and unconditional support, and Meredith had barely been able to hold back her tears as Carolyn had told her how happy they were to have her with Derek, no matter how new it was.

Mike had demanded a hug too before running a gnarled and wrinkled hand over her belly and telling Hailey to behave herself. Her unborn daughter had answered with a firm kick that had left Mike chuckling before announcing that girls were always more of a handful than boys, and he couldn't wait to have another headstrong girl in the family. And just like that, she and Hailey had been accepted into Derek's family. She wasn't necessarily sure what that meant yet, but the joy that had surged her when Carolyn had demanded she come to Christmas dinner as she walked outside made her cozy dream world even better. She was with Derek, they were going to do this, and already she could feel a foundation forming where his walls had been.

He had built the fire for her before leaving to walk his parents back to their car, pausing to give her a quick kiss. Her red hoodie sat in his laundry room after she had spilled coffee on it laughing a little too hard at Mike's stories and now she was just curled up, letting Hailey wiggle and move as she let her float along the scent of the man she had brought into her life. She knew it wouldn't always feel this easy, but right now, floating along the gentle waves of today felt perfect, even if Derek had been gone for awhile.

He had seemed okay when he had left to make sure his parents had gotten back to their car okay, but she didn't know if he was going to shift from okay to freaking out once he was away from her. So many big things had happened for him in the last twenty-four hours and she had no idea if he felt like he was floating or struggling to get back to the surface, but he had been gone for a while and she was starting to worry a little. Maybe the idea of being around her when the anniversary of Alison's death was so close was catching up to him and he needed time alone. Or maybe he had felt like she had pushed him or...her brain was starting to spin and she shook her head to clear the spinning. She wanted to stay in the dream where she and Derek were doing this and happy and it all seemed too good to be true.

Hailey's head jammed into her right side and she pushed back at her baby girl as she stared at the orange flames in the fireplace. Derek didn't have an electric fireplace, he had a real true wood-burning fireplace and she had already let herself imagine chopping wood a few times. She could only assume it was her hormones that were making her horny thinking of lumberjack Derek or whatever, but she had conjured the image of him in flannel, his muscles straining each time he lowered the axe. "I might be going crazy, Hailey," she giggled softly and then smiled at the baby's answering kicks. The edges of her vision were getting that dreamy quality again and she smiled as she ignored the spinning thoughts again and dedicated herself to floating.

She was somewhere between sleep and being awake when she heard the front door open and then close and then Derek's shuffling as he kicked snow off his boots. She was pretty sure Oakbrook Falls was buried under a ton of snow at this point and according to her weather app, it wasn't stopping any time soon, which meant they were probably about to be snowed in. "Mer?" Derek called as he walked into the living room, his cheeks pink and his dark curls a wind blown mess.

"Still down here," Meredith replied, craning her neck to watch him come around the couch. "Did your parents get going okay?"

"Yeah, they'll text when they get home," he nodded. He was smiling softly at her, his eyes sparkling in the firelight as they moved slowly over her. "I think I could actually get used to this."

"To what?"

"You waiting for me, wrapped in my hoodie," Derek murmured as he knelt down to her and pressed a cold kiss to her lips. "Nice and warm."

"You're freezing!" She squealed, ducking away from him.

"Which would be why I came home to a nice fire and you," he whispered. His hand tentatively moved over her stomach until it rested just under her breasts and their eyes locked as his pointer finger lightly traced the A of Columbia. "Doing okay?"

"Very," she breathed, holding his gaze as he gently cupped her swollen breast. "I...you were gone for a bit."

"Sorry," he sighed, shifting until he was curled into her side. "Snowball fight turned a little violent by the tree."

"Violent?"

"Ice in a particularly big snowball," he nodded. "Jack is going to have a hell of a black eye tomorrow but his vision seems okay. I dragged him to the clinic to be sure and gave him some eye drops just in case."

"Ouch," she winced.

"That will be the first of many winter related injuries I take care of," he laughed softly before falling silent. They were turned towards each other now, their hands entwined between them, and Meredith let out a soft sigh as Derek gently rubbed his nose against hers. His eyes were closed but there was a smile pulling at the corner of his lips and she reached with her free hand to brush a wet curl off his forehead. They were doing this. She had no idea of it was actually a good idea, but she didn't want to look down the dark path right now. This felt too magical to ruin with spinning thoughts and she let her own eyes slide shut as she leaned into Derek. "Hey."

"Hey," she answered.

"Was today...I know my parents..." he stammered and then took a deep, steadying breath.

"Are amazing and funny?"

"You have to know that wasn't what I was asking," he shook his head. "That was an ambush."

"Then it was the friendliest ambush in he history of ambushes," she shrugged. "And it was fine, Derek. I mean at first it was...big, really big actually, but I liked them. And I think they like me and Hailey."

"My mom told me to make sure I'm actually ready for this because you're a part of the family and she won't be happy if I mess this up," Derek laughed softly. "My dad is already planning all the grandpa things he can do with our little mouse."

"Oh...good," she breathed into his neck. Her chest was tight in the best of ways and she smiled as Derek rubbed her back. "So don't worry about ambushes."

"I'll try," he murmured before brushing his lips across the top of her head.

"Can I ask a question?" she pulled back slightly to look at him.

"About?"

"Your dad," she murmured, immediately noticing how his body tightened. "I...has he always been paralyzed?"

"No," he breathed, his eyes closing tightly. "I...that's another suitcase. And I will open it for you but it's...opening suitcases is exhausting."

"And you opened a really big one," she nodded as she squeezed his hand. "That's okay, I get it. That's...another day."

"Another day," he echoed and then his bright blue eyes opened as he smiled. "Can I ask you a question?"

"That is definitely my line, Derek Shepherd," she laughed.

"Maybe I'm going to be a journalist with insatiable curiosity for a bit," he shrugged before kissing the tip of her nose. "Which suitcase are you opening for me?"

"Oh," she wrinkled her nose.

"You promised," he whispered. He ran his fingers over her belly, just over the spot where Hailey was kicking and she smiled at his soft smile. "I want to get to know you. All of you. And all I know is that you're a journalist originally from Seattle, where your parents still live, and that you have a younger neurosurgeon sister who is dating my brother. And that you're carrying a very hyper but very beautiful baby girl."

"And that my guilty pleasure is Property Brothers and jerking my doctor off in a hallway," Meredith attempted to joke.

"True, but, Meredith..."

"I know, I know, I'm not exactly an open book," she echoed his words from earlier. "Big suitcase or small suitcase?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with," he shrugged as he rested his chin on her shoulder. "But I will tell you we're about to be snowed in so we probably have some time."

"You're planning on spending all that time talking?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No, but that's why you need to open a suitcase now," he murmured. "Fun and grilled macaroni cheese sandwiches come after."

"That sounds like a bribe," she giggled before turning to look into the fire. Her biggest suitcase had a thousand compartments of bad shit, but she could at least open the main pocket and give him as much as he had given her. It hadn't been easy for him to tell her about Alison and the rest of the Springers, and she couldn't just tell him about her favorite color or something. "Okay," she took a deep breath, scooting to sit up. Her legs crossed and Derek mirrored her movements until their knees touched and he was holding both of her hands.

"Okay," he echoed.

"I...my parents don't live in Seattle," she started and then shook her head. "Or they do. My dad and my stepmom do. My mom...my mom died a couple years ago but we weren't...I barely saw her so it wasn't like...I mean, we just weren't...she didn't..."

"Take a deep breath," Derek encouraged, squeezing her hand tightly.

"I should probably start over," Meredith sighed before taking a deep breath. She focused for a second on the feeling of Derek's hands rubbing hers. They were rough and calloused, probably from the fishing and wood chopping he did. She would have to ask him about the wood chopping because she kind of wanted to watch him but...her thoughts were spinning and she took another deep breath. "My parents got divorced when I was five."

"That had to be hard," he murmured.

"It was...my mom is...was a surgeon," she whispered. "And her whole life was the job. All of it. My dad and I were...I'm not even sure we were on her list of priorities. He's a medical researcher so he actually could do a lot from home but...anyway, the job was Mom's big thing. Until she started sleeping with one of her fellow residents and decided he understood her more than my dad. She kicked my dad out when she told him and I didn't see him for two and a half years."

"He just...left?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, but amazingly he is not the bad guy in this story," Meredith laughed shakily. "My mom actually tried to be with the other guy and one day he just stopped coming over. And my mom started working more and more and I barely saw her. I was with nannies all the time until...one day she picked me up from school, which was really weird, and she took me home and then slit her wrists in the kitchen."

"She...what?" Derek frowned as his fingers closed around hers. "She..Meredith..."

"She slit her wrists right in front of me with a scalpel she had taken home from the hospital," she explained softly. "She made me swear not to call for help but there was so much blood and the second she passed out...I mean, I had to call. I had to."

"I...Mer," he breathed as he scooted closer to her and his hand cupped her cheek. "That's why...god, I just told you about my attempt last night."

"That's why I needed to know that wasn't still a thing for you," Meredith leaned into his touch. "I can't...I've been where your mom was, Derek. And I never want my daughter to be where I was. Ever."

"Of course not," he shook his head quickly. His eyes were wide and filled with something she had never seen before and she wasn't sure of what to say as she rested her hands on his knees, desperately grounding herself to him. "Meredith, look at me."

"Oh," she breathed as she met his glance.

"I don't..." Derek took a deep breath and then leaned close to her. "I'm coming to terms with whatever...a doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and maybe I still have that. I know I have survivor's guilt and probably some depression. I have to come to terms with that and I will, Meredith. But I am not suicidal. I was eighteen years ago but now...I will never do that to you or Hailey. I can promise you that right now. If I ever feel as low as I did that day, I will tell you and I will get help. But I swear I will never, ever put you through that again."

"Derek..." she breathed, shaking her head.

"I mean it, Mer," he whispered. "Never."

"Okay," she nodded slowly before swallowing. "The hospital called my dad and he came and picked me up. He was newly married to Susan, my step mom, and she was pregnant with Lexie. And after...I mean, my mom fought for custody and it was...that's another suitcase."

"Only one suitcase tonight," he promised.

"Anyway, my dad won custody and he and Susan raised me," she smiled softly. "And I have Lexie and Molly as sisters and it's...good. Really good."

"Are they excited for Hailey?" He asked softly as she pressed her palms into his knees.

"Definitely," she laughed. "Susan is already spoiling her."

"I think she's going to be a very lucky little girl," Derek murmured, leaning forward to kiss her as he rubbed her stomach. "Can I ask a question?"

"Yes, Journalist Shepherd," she rolled her eyes.

"Your mom...you said she died a couple years ago."

"Yeah, of a heart attack," Meredith nodded slowly. "She died in the OR, which makes so much sense for her. If there is any place Ellis Grey would have chosen to die, the OR probably ranked number one."

"Ellis Grey," he said slowly, closing his eyes for a second. "Ellis...the Grey method?"

"Oh...yeah," she confirmed. "I forget you were a surgical intern."

"She was just getting really famous for the Grey method when I left," he explained. "I haven't...surgery isn't my life anymore so I don't really pay attention. But I remember reading all about it. She was pretty legendary already."

"Yeah, that's what everyone said to me at her memorial service," she shrugged before pushing back at a kick from her daughter.

"But that doesn't change what she was to you," Derek murmured, his hand joining hers. "For what it's worth, I think you're going to be an incredible mom. A fierce one, but incredible."

"I didn't exactly start off great, Derek."

"The start of something isn't the most important part," he shook his head. "It's the in between stuff. It's everything you've done for her. Based on that, Hailey Alexandra Grey is going to be the luckiest little girl in the world."

"Flatterer," she rolled her eyes but squeezed his hand tightly.

"Just telling the truth," he shrugged.

"Hmmm..." she nodded before meeting his eyes again. "Suitcase opened."

"Suitcase opened," he echoed quietly. His gaze shifted to the fire and then back to her, raising one of her hands to his lips. "Thank you for opening it."

"That is a very weird thing to say, Derek," she giggled softly.

"In my defense, I am very out of practice," he shook his head and then he was shifting her body slowly. She let herself relax in his hands until she was resting against his chest, all but sitting on his lap as his hands rested on her stomach and his head was on her shoulder. "Comfortable?"

"Yeah," she whispered, wiggling slightly to create her own nest in his arms. "Derek?"

"Hmmm?"

"The anniversary...I can go home if you want," she offered even though she didn't want to at all. She was floating again, anchored only by his body as he held her close. She had dated before, never super seriously, but she had dated and it had never felt like this. She didn't think it would last forever but she wanted it for as long as it did last. He was depressed, he had issues, and one day those issues would have to be unpacked too, but right now, nothing else mattered except the dreamlike quality of this moment,

"No," he shook his head in response and then turned to press a soft kiss to her neck. "I...I want you here. I'm not sure what kind of person that makes me but...I want you right here."

"I think it makes you human, Derek," she said softly. "Twenty years is a long time to be alone."

"I got used to it before you fell into my life," he teased, his breath tickling her skin. "Today I don't want to be him though. I want you right here. I want...God, Mer, I get to start over."

"We can start over," she agreed as she tipped her head to the side to bare her neck to him. "I personally think we should do happy starting over."

"What exactly is happy starting over?" He asked. His teeth grazed her skin and she felt herself shudder at the responding shock that went through her body.

"This...this is a very good start," Meredith whispered. "I...happy...like no suitcases tonight. Just...oh...us."

"Meredith Grey, do you like to be bit?" Derek chuckled.

"Bit...sucked...maybe," she giggled shakily.

"Hmmm..." he smiled against her neck and then pulled his head away after quickly licking the small bite mark. "Can I have a minute with the little mouse?"

"Seriously?" She turned to look at him.

"Mer, it's not just us," he pointed out, rubbing her belly. "I don't want her to feel left out of happy starting over."

"Fine," she rolled her eyes even as her heart felt like it was about to burst. She had thought Hailey would be a deal breaker for any future relationship, but Derek wanted her and it felt so much better than she could have ever imagined.

"Hoodie off," he ordered.

"What, why?"

"Killing two birds with one stone," he laughed softly and then helped to take the Columbia hoodie off, leaving her belly bare. "All right, little mouse, where are you?"

"Here," Meredith giggled softly, directing his hand to the hard lump of Hailey's head.

"There," Derek breathed, his touch gentle. "Hi, little mouse, it's me. Mommy and I want happy starting over today, and while everything can't involve you, I wanted to make you a promise. You've barely started, so you don't need to start over but I promise, no matter what, I will try happy starting over for you and your mommy. I don't know how it will work or if I'll be good at it, but I will always be here for you. No matter what."

"Derek..." She whispered as she felt tears rush to her eyes.

"No matter what, little mouse," he repeated as his hand followed a gentle stretch inside her. "Which means you let Mommy know when you want more cheese and it's all yours. But try to wait a little bit."

"You...you are a dork," she laughed through the tears trickling down her cheeks.

"I am taking care of you two," he insisted, his hand lifting to brush away the tears. "I mean it, Meredith. I want to be here for both of you. No matter what."

"You want to love us."

"More than anything," he agreed.

"Okay," she breathed before turning in his arms. His eyes were bright blue, a smile was playing at the corner of his mouth, and she had never felt closer to another person. They were going to do this and they were going to do it right, no matter how hard it got. "When was the last time you were bright and shiny instead of dark and twisty?"

"Honestly?" He raised an eyebrow. "I can't remember."

"Okay, well, we're doing bright and shiny happy starting over today," she nodded firmly. "Music or funny movies or...whatever we need to be bright and shiny."

"Mer, I'm feeling pretty bright and shiny just like this," he murmured. "Just...stay here. Right here. That's all I need."

"That's all?" She asked.

"Well, maybe not all," he laughed softly as he ducked his head down to her.

"Oh good," she giggled in response. His fingers danced along her naked skin, barely grazing it as his lips closed around the skin of her neck. She was going to float away or combust, she wasn't sure which one yet. But everything about Derek felt incredibly right and she didn't want to do either. She wanted to stay in this moment, to relish every last second of it, because even as her body began to heat at Derek's touch, the fuzziness that had made this all feel like a dream was suddenly going away. Real. She felt incredibly real and it was an immediate relief from the last few months of feeling so out of control.

She wanted this to stay real, to make it so that she never felt out of control again but she knew that was a pipe dream. They were going to have to fight to make this happen, to make this stick, but she wasn't going to be afraid of any kind of fight. This felt good with Derek, it felt right, and she didn't want it to be a dream anymore. It was happening, they were going to do this, and turned to gently lift his chin from her neck so that she could kiss him deeply. It was hungry and desperate and Meredith could almost feel the page turning on their happy starting over.

Any problem, we'll figure it out

Any love lost, we'll bring back around

Any broken heart, we'll make it heal

Author's note: All right MerDer fandom, it's time to rise! No idea how the show got Patrick back and I haven't actually watched it since season 7 but MerDer are reunited in dream world and that inspired me enough to write today. Thanks for all your patience and if you have any spare thoughts laying around, my dad is having surgery for prostate cancer on Tuesday and could really use some good juju. XKatie