Disclaimer: I don't own RvB. That would be Rooster Teeth.
Episode 29: The Impossible Fools
Agent Orange dropped out of The Phantom with closed eyes, almost meditative as he fell through the air. He could almost imagine music playing as he went, something about falling towaf the sky. Yeah, that would work. Five deep, slow breaths later, he adjusted his angle of decent to land feet first, falling forward into a roll before coming smoothly to his feet, SMG held comfortably in front of him. He took less than a second to take in the view, then chuckled with a smirk. "Nice to see you two didn't start the party without me," he remarked lightly, swaggering toward the two Freelancers. One was the familiar black form of Tex, while the other was tan with white accents. "Agent York, I presume?" Dex asked the stranger.
"Yeah... and you are?" York replied, not-too-obviously giving him a once over. Orange chuckled lightly and held out a hand.
"Agent Orange, weapons specialist and unofficial medic. A pleasure to meet you," he said. York took the proffered hand and gave it a firm shake. "So. Details. While it's true no plan survives contact with the enemy, some of a plan is better than no plan, and a plan made with details in mind is better than a blind plan."
"Wow. Where'd you find this guy?" York asked Tex, shrugging a shoulder at Orange.
"You wouldn't believe her if she told you," Orange said with a chuckle.
"Try me," York challenged. Orange shrugged.
"We met in Blood Gulch, got blown up together on Sidewinder, and raided a rundown base... I don't know where, though it was driving distance from Blood Gulch. Now! Back to the matter at hand please? Sooner we get this over and done, the sooner we can relax and I don't know about you two, but I'm looking forward to beating that obnoxious Cracker black and blue, stripping his armor, and hogtying him with hemp before handing him over to the tender mercies of Agent Black," he said. Tex shuddered and York began to feel a little apprehensive of Agent Orange. If he was in league with Agent Black... he was certainly a dangerous person. And then there was how... gleeful... he sounded when talking about beating Wyoming.
"See why I called him now, York?" Tex asked smugly. Orange gasped theatrically, placing a heavy hand over his heart.
"Why Tex! I never knew you held me in such high regards! Really, you should tell a bruda when you see him like that!" he said, causing York to chuckle.
"Alright. Now I'm glad you called him. I like your sense of humor, Orange. And I agree, details would be nice," the tan Freelancer said, turning to Tex.
"There hasn't been movement for a while. They've either bunkered down... or left," she said. A small, glowing, green figure appeared above York's shoulder. Orange twitched.
"Okay. Which one are you?" he asked the figure.
"I am the A.I. fragment Delta," the figure responded in a calm, soothing tone.
"Ah~! That York. Carry on," Orange said, nodding and motioning the A.I. to continue.
"What do you mean that York?" Delta asked. Orange waved his hand in front of his visor as though waving off a fly.
"Not important right now. You had something to say, Delta?" he said.
"Yes. If Omega is inside the building, we must enter to locate him. If he has already left, that building contains the only clues to his current location. In either scenario, we must-"
"Get inside. I take it that's why you're here?" Orange said, redirecting his gaze toward York.
"Yeah. That's why I'm here," York said, turning away bitterly. Orange sighed and laid a hand on the Freelancer's shoulder.
"Hey. I didn't mean it like that. I hear you're a good all-round kind of soldier, but your specialty is infiltration. Lock picking. Me? I'm great mid-to-close range, decent long range, and I suck when it comes to computers and locks. She could have called in Maroon, who is fantastic at close range, great at mid range, and really good with computers. He's pretty bad long range and honestly, he has no experience with locks. We need you on this mission. The only reason I'm here, is to be a tank with legs," he said. York stared at the other Agent, then sighed.
"Fine. Let's go."
"Okay then. Stick to the plan. We split, maintain visual, no radios, movement on fours. Sync?" Tex said.
"Pluming!" Orange said, though it was clear he'd synced his mission clock with Tex's. York chuckled.
"Synced," he said.
"Go!" Tex barked, shaking her head.
/*/
As they ran, Delta spoke to his Agent, informing him that Tex's vitals were 'well above normal.' "I'm sure she's just tense, D," York muttered as Tex ran past him. "Okay, I am too. And I'm not fighting something that's been in my heads for years," York said. Delta materialized beside York, running along with his agent.
"Agreed, but the anomaly is worth noting. Once we encounter the target her emotions may make her actions erratic," Delta said. York sighed.
"What can I tell ya? Just one of the things that makes us human, D." Delta, who had been left behind at some point, caught back up.
"Excellent point, York. I was not looking at it from a flawed perspective. I will try to do so in the future," the A.I. said.
"Well it sure would make these conversations easier. Thanks for coming down to my level, D," York remarked dryly.
"I am here to assist," Delta replied in his usual calm manner. Orange chuckled just as they met up.
"No vis," said Tex.
"No vis," copied York.
"No vis... and Delta? You're pretty cool. Glad you're on our side," Orange said, and York had a feeling he was smirking.
"Focus! There, that's the lock. Bust it and this teleporter will take us up top," Tex said, motioning toward a security interface on the bland concrete wall. Orange took up a guard position by the door while Tex watched York. He opened it up, ready to start work, when he stopped.
"Whoa whoa, you said an encrypted lock. This is a holographic lock," the infiltration specialist said.
"Is there a difference?" Tex ground out. Orange snorted.
"I'm worse than a rookie when it comes to locks and even I know there's a difference," he said.
"Hence the two names," York added.
"Look, can you open it or not?" Tex asked.
"Of course I can! It's just much harder. I just brought it up 'cause I wanted you to realize how kick-ass I am," York said before getting to work.
"I'm convinced. Get to work," Tex said, apparently not noticing he was, in fact, working. Orange, with his mechanically enhanced hearing, caught Delta and York's conversation.
"York, why are we doing this? Killing Omega will not repair the damage he did to your optic nerve," Delta told the Agent. Orange frowned slightly. York had a bad eye? From what he knew, that made his job really difficult, especially with a holographic lock.
"I'm not doin' it to fix my eye, D. I'm doin' it because my eye is broken." Orange fought down a snort at that.
"I apologize, but that does not make sense to me."
"Omega and Allison were always the best," York began, and Orange perked up. Black was notoriously tight-lipped with information on the Freelancers. "No-one could compete with them. Not me, not Wyoming, not anybody. Trying to beat them when I should have given up is how I got hurt in the first place." 'Wait... how does that tie in here?' wondered Orange, casting a quick look toward York.
"Oh. So it is pride. I was registering an emotion, but I incorrectly categorized it as 'stupidity'," remarked Delta, causing Orange to quickly stifle his snickers.
"Yeah. They're closely related," York said. Orange chuckled quietly. No wonder Marley had compared him to this guy. They had similar personalities alright, but different enough to get along.
/*/
Church groaned. Tucker was vomiting and moaning and... "Alright. That's it. What is all that noise?!" yelled Flowdie. Church groaned again. Caboose whimpered and hid behind Church.
"He scares me!" he 'whispered.' Flowdie sighed.
"Well, Church? What's making that..." he asked, but was cut off by loud retching noises.
"That had better have been in your bucket!" Church bellowed at the door to the base. Flowdie made a noise halfway between understanding and despair.
"Right. I'll take a look at him," he said, then entered the base, ignoring the conversation between Church and Caboose. Slowly, Flowdie made his way toward the source of the noise. He found Tucker laying in his bunk, a bucket by his head and a damp washcloth laying on the floor where it must have fallen when he rolled over to retch. She sighed and made her way over. "Hey there, Lavernius," he said gently. Tucker's bare head jerked up, surprise clear in his dark hazel eyes. "I'm Flowdie, and I'm here to at least try to make you feel better," he said, slowly making his way toward him. Tucker moaned.
"How did you know my name?" he asked.
"I know a lot of things, Lavernius," Flowdie responded, still smiling.
"Call me Tucker." Flowdie frowned for a moment, then shrugged.
"Very well. Would you like me to help you out of your armor, Private Tucker?" he asked. It was a testament to how crummy he was feeling that Tucker didn't joke around, but simply nodded. Flowdie sighed and started with the arms. Ten minutes later, Tucker was in his under armor and Flowdie was placing a fresh cloth on his forehead. "Now, would you like to know why this is happening, Tucker?" At his patient's nod, Flowdie continued. "This is the result of not sleeping with one eye open around an unfamiliar alien." Tucker gave him a puzzled look, which swiftly turned to uncomprehending horror as the 'doctor' cackled. "Ever watch that movie Alien?" he asked. Tucker's eyes went wide before he looked to his abdomen. Flowdie's cackles grew louder.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Tucker yelled over the 'doctor's' mad cackles.
"Oh, yeah," he affirmed, smirking evilly under his helmet. Tucker glared.
"I hate you, so much right now," he growled. Flowdie finally managed to contain himself.
"Yeah. That's to be expected. You're gonna be hating just about everything for, oh, quite a while. Now, I have some meds that can help," he said, pulling out Advil and a big bar of chocolate. Tucker smiled weakly and swallowed the pills dry before biting into the chocolate and moaning in pleasure.
"Okay. Hate diminished," he said around a mid-sized piece of chocolate. Flowdie chuckled and put the pill bottle and a stack of chocolate bars on his bedside table before taking his bucket.
"Good to know. I'm going to leave these," he motioned to the pills and chocolate, "here for you and clean out your bucket. Then, I'm going to inform your teammates of what is going on and give Church a list of instructions. He already knows how to call me. Though, I might suggest calling Doc. This could be good training for him. And, of course, Church will have my instructions he can follow," he said. Tucker moaned.
"Don't call Doc!" he whimpered. Flowdie shook his head.
"He's a poor medic, I'll admit, but he makes a decent nurse and/or orderly. I prescribe rest and light foods along with chocolate," he said, then exited.
"Well? What's wrong with him?" asked Church.
"Ever watch Alien?" Flowdie asked. Church nodded. "Remember that scene when the baby alien busts out of the guy's chest?" Church nodded, then froze.
"You can't mean..." he began, fearful.
"Heh, should'a slept with one eye open," Flowdie said, completely unrepentant. Church groaned, placing his head in his hands.
"Great," he moaned.
"If you want someone to watch him and clean up after him, call Doc. He makes a decent nurse and this way, you can keep an eye on O'Malley," Flodwie said. Church sighed and Caboose entreated,
"Don't do it." Church did it anyway. Flowdie walked off chuckling. Things were about to both slow down... and pick up. Soon, he and Marley would have Eagle all to themselves. Marley'd hack into 'Command' to make sure he was sent to an empty base, just to make sure.
/*/
Meanwhile, at an Evil Lair somewhere, a phone was ringing. "For the love of evil, someone get the phone!" bellowed O'Malley.
"Why don't you get it?" asked Spanish!Lopez. O'Malley snarled.
"You fool! Can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot? What do I pay you for?"
"To clean up after all your failed plots," Spanish!Lopez replied dryly.
"Oh shut up you fool. You don't even have a body," O'Malley snapped.
"Yes. Because of one of your failed plots," Spanish!Lopez pointed out.
"Why all this bickering? Can't we all just get along?" Doc tried, though he made sure to make it over dramatic.
"And answer the darn phone!" added O'Malley.
"Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?" asked Spanish!Lopez.
"I find you far too sarcastic for just a head," muttered O'Malley as he answered the phone.
/*/
The teleporter was up and Tex was fairly bouncing. Orange clapped a hand on York's shoulder. "Good work Agent," he whispered as Tex barked,
"Okay, I'll take the lead. Give me fifteen seconds then follow, sync?"
"Sync," Orange and York said together. After Tex had entered the teleporter, York spoke to Delta. "I need you to stay tight D, watch my bad side."
"Of course, watching left. Execute in, three, two, one. Execute. Good luck," the green A.I. responded.
"Thanks," said York, and Orange could tell he meant it. Both passed through and joined up with Tex. "Tex, sitrep!" York barked, joining her behind cover as he entered into the chaos of battle.
"Five of them at three six and three O!" Tex relied.
"Three Alpha mark. I do believe I've received the next part of the sentence," Delta informed them. Tex popped up and shot one.
"Dead one at three. One down, cover my thirteen!" she said, moving in.
"Problem, beta and small explosives needed," Delta said, fulfilling his order to watch York's left. Orange chuckled and tossed a grenade into the biggest hot spot. "Problem neutralized. Recalculating to factor Orange."
"Ace?" asked York, still firing at anything red, blue, or white that moved.
"Y, stop thinking! Go low!" Tex barked. Orange stopped following until he heard York say he needed a mark. Past that, it was pure slaughter. That was when Tex's gun jammed and she shouted for cover, Wyoming appearing. Orange tried his best to provide cover, but York was hit. Orange cursed and tossed Tex two more guns.
"Cover me! I'm going for York," he barked. Not waiting for confirmation, Orange dashed to the downed Agent, who had luckily fallen behind a large crate. "York! Are you okay?" Orange asked, already pulling out his med kit.
"It's that damn left side," York moaned.
"Delta, info," Orange ordered, rolling York onto his back.
"York has sustained two wounds to his upper-left chest. Recommend evac stat," Delta relied. Orange nodded.
"Seeing that," he said while York moaned,
"Just, need a minute. Heahh." Orange pursed his lips.
"Administering field stint, and analgesic," Delta said. Orange felt his mouth relax a little.
"Good."
"Wait, Orange, don't... don't let 'im," York tried to protest.
"York is now unconscious. Alarm: target Alpha has reloaded," Delta informed.
"Not relevant. Tex has him, and two of my guns. How bad is it, Delta?"
"York will..." Orange growled, causing the A.I. to quite down.
"How long does he have?" Orange asked. Delta flickered.
"Ten minutes." Orange grinned and treated the wound as best he could before tagging the Agent.
"More than enough time. Oregon is coming for medical evac. Keep him with us, D," he told the A.I before cloaking. Time to hunt. Delta, had he been human, would have blinked at this.
"Agent Oregon is dead," he muttered in confusion. That was when he heard wry chuckles and noticed a signature bleeding into being behind his downed Agent.
"Rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated, D," Black said as she knelt by York. "These wounds are no-where near as bad as the visions made them out to be. D, I do believe you were attempting subterfuge. Nice. Makes my job a bit easier. York's beacon has already been activated, a recovery Agent should be en route. No telling how long before he gets here, but we'll all be gone by then, I can assure you of that. Now, let's see... can you make a copy of yourself?"
"Negative, Agent Oregon."
"Right. Plan B," Black grumbled, already taking York's armor off. Before long, she had a half-frozen cadaver dressed in York's Freelancer armor and a 'dumb' A.I. designed to look and sound like Delta loaded into the armor. "Okay. Now. Delta, your main chip was implanted into York, right?" she asked, just for clarification. Delta's hologram nodded in confirmation. "Wonderful. Off-line in the implant. Once I get York's new armor on him, you can load yourself into that. I promise you'll have fun with it, lots of nice new gadgets that don't need a whole lot of power to run. I've been using them without A.I. after all," Black said, already dragging York's unconscious body onto The Phantom.
/*/
Tex was running out of options. Wyoming had her pinned down. That was when Orange came barreling out of no-where, the tell-tale shimmer of active camo the only warning of his approach, and slammed his shoulder into Wyoming's chest. Orange pulled out a magnum and put two slugs in each shoulder and one in each leg, in the big muscle of the calf. "No-one kills my comrades... and gets away with it," the large soldier growled before knocking Wyoming out and ripping off his helmet. "Here, I'm sure you can get what you need off of that," Orange said, still snarling. Tex took the helmet with a heavy heart. She had never wanted York dead. How would she ever tell Carolina if they ever met? Shaking her head, she quickly got the information she needed off Wyoming's helmet logs. She dropped it... only for Orange to pick it up.
"What are you..." began Tex, before she saw Orange taking out the A.I chip.
"Finder's keepers... even if it is that obnoxious Gary," the other Agent said before he plugged the chip into his helmet. Tex sighed, but turned to leave.
"Thanks for the help. I know where O'Malley is now," she said.
"Need a lift?" Orange asked. Tex shook her head.
"No. I need some time. Alone," she said. Orange nodded.
"Understood. I'll... take care of York," he said, admirably faking sorrow, then made his way back to where he'd left the wounded Agent. He found the armor, filled out by a dead soldier, and grinned before he went back to where the knocked out Wyoming laid, checking to make sure Tex was already gone. Coast clear, he sauntered over to the man and stripped him of his armor before he hopped off the base... and landed on The Phantom. He swiftly entered and found Marley working on York. Casting a salute her way he knelt down and dug out the hemp rope. Item secured, he returned to Wyoming and swiftly bound him with the itchy material. Wyoming woke as the last knot was tied.
"Ugh... what hit me?" he asked. Orange chuckled darkly, manually cocking his magnum.
"Me," he said, lazily aiming the weapon at the downed and bound Freelancer. The Brit's face paled as he took in the imposing figure, along with the fact that he was without both his armor and his A.I.
"What are you going to do?" he asked. Orange chuckled.
"What am I going to do? Well... that depends entirely... upon you," he revealed, leaning forward. Wyoming edged back, fear creeping into his eyes. "See, your answers to my questions are going to determine when you die; now or later. Oh and, if you lie, Gary will know. He is the A.I. fragment of deceit after all." Wyoming's eyes went wide.
"How do you know that?!" he asked, an edge of hysteria creeping into his voice. Orange chuckled once more and sat back.
"Easy. He told me. Now, why are you working with Omega?"
/*/
The questioning lasted an hour, with the end result being that Orange declared Wyoming's mind broken beyond Project Red's ability to heal. He took him to Marley, who had finished with York, before leaving to collect the Freelancer's armor. "So, Orange tells me you're messed up in the head. Though, I always remembered you as an odd one. Gamma being in your head only exacerbated your naturally cut throat personality," she told the man. Wyoming looked at her curiously, dark brown eyes scanning her appearance for familiar aspects, outside the fact she was wearing armor.
"Do I know you?" he asked. She scoffed.
"Not likely. I wasn't stationed on the Mother of Invention." Wyoming's eyes went wide.
"You were on the Valiant?" he asked. Marley nodded and noticed Wyoming's eyes trailing over to the prone and bloody form of York. "A doctor?" he muttered. Marley chuckled.
"Why else would Orange have brought you to me?" she asked him, crouching. "Now... what to do with you. Orange already informed me of O'Malley's plans, and your part in them. I must admit, I'm still curious how you could go along with this. O'Malley's a mad man, er... A.I. And he is a fragment of an A.I based off a man driven mad with grief. Why do you think Epsilon got his agent classified Article 12 when he deconstructed inside his head?" Wyoming's face was showing horror and a little bit of sorrow as what Marley was saying sunk in.
"Epsilon was Grief," he said, believing he'd cracked the case, only to feel more horror when Marley shook her head and said,
"Close, but the answer's Memory. All the Alpha's memories, compressed into a single fragment of an A.I., and then suddenly decompressed into a human mind. That's what Epsilon's agent experienced. And that's why said Agent is now plotting revenge. You remember his revenge plots, right?"
"Freelancer's doomed. It's only a matter of time," Wyoming said in defeat. Marley nodded.
"Yes. It is. Now that that's out of the way... O'Malley. Do you really want what is essentially the entirety of a man's rage, anger, and frustration in control of even a portion of the Covenant's forces?" Orange asked, entering the ship with Wyoming's armor.
"You make a compelling argument... but so does Omega," the Brit said. Orange growled, dropping the armor in his arms and taking a menacing step forward.
"Stand down, Agent Orange," Marley declared, causing the Agent to freeze, but that didn't stop him from growling at the downed Agent.
"He's a threat. We should eliminate him," Orange declared, even voice at odds with his menacing growl. Marley sighed, her head drooping slightly.
"There's already so much death in this universe. Why should we add to it?" she asked plaintively. Orange scoffed.
"Don't think I haven't seen you mow down alien hordes with wild abandon. And laughing. Besides, this man... no. This Freelancer was all too willing to fight his comrades. Look at what he did to Tex, to York!" he said, motioning to the comatose agent on the floor of the Phantom. "You know as well as I that he didn't think twice about attacking when they tried for the Alpha. In fact, I bet you were cheering in your head when you saw York bean him with a locker and do it with a knock knock joke. You've grumbled about this guy so many times, I've lost count! And lets not forget that when O'Malley took out a hit on my favorite enemy, he jumped on it. And shot a guy in the head because he 'didn't have time to torture him.' I know he had Gary in his head at the time but... I can't help thinking he was always like that."
"How did you know about the attack? Or about when O'Malley hired me to take out your little friend?" Wyoming asked. Orange shot him a glare.
"Shut up, Cracker. This is between me and Black," he spat, then turned back to Marley. "Well?" Marley sighed.
"I know, Orange. And he's always been a pest. I remember when he was on the Valiant. True, it wasn't for very long, but I can see why he was paired with Gamma. Ever read Harry Potter?" she said. Orange nodded. "He would have been in Slytherin. A rather unpleasant Slytherin at that. So here's my quandary... is he a Riddle or a Snape?" Orange shook his head.
"I'd say he's a Snape without an Evans," he said. Marley let out a heavy sigh.
"Reginald... would you be willing to turn against O'Malley?" she asked.
"What's in it for me?"
"Told you. Snape without Evans," Orange remarked with a sneer. Marley snapped him a look before returning to Wyoming.
"You get to live," she told him evenly. He swallowed heavily, eyes not leaving the threat to his life.
"I'll turn," he said. Orange scoffed.
"I guess it's true then. There is no honor among mercenaries," he remarked before striding to the cockpit. Marley shook her head at the man before turning back to Wyoming.
"Since you've agreed not to help O'Malley, I'll give you a little information." Wyoming gave her his undivided attention. "I'm the one who gave Florida the nick-name Flowdie," Marley revealed.
"I thought she was the first to die?" Wyoming said, puzzled beyond belief. Marley chuckled.
"I was the first one chosen for the Project... and the first to realize where it was headed. I was a coward and left before it could take me down with it. I swore to save those Freelancers who could be saved, the ones who didn't lose their humanity to the Project. I have been met with... limited success." Wyoming shook his head.
"You know... Florida used to talk about you. A lot, actually," he said. "I always thought you were too weak, to soft. Looks like I was wrong." The ship rumbled and began to pull away from the base. Marley secured York, leaving a bound Wyoming to flop about as The Phantom made its way back to The Ghost. "Quite wrong." Snickers came from the cockpit and Marley could just imagine the smug smirk on Dex's face. She sighed. This was going to be a long flight.
/*/
Once they reached The Ghost, Orange helped Marley move York to the med bay, leaving Wyoming in The Phantom. "Thank you, Dex. I couldn't have done this without you," Marley told the Hawaiian. Dex chuckled.
"Sure ya could~! It just would have been harder to fake Yorkie boy's death," he said, then grew serious. "But we shouldn't celebrate until he wakes up. He's not out of the woods yet, even I can tell." Marley nodded, looking down at the sleeping York.
"I'm just glad we could save him. He's a good man just... drew the short stick. Like a lot of us," she said, gently taking his hand. Dex sighed again.
"I know. Trust me, I know. Now, let's get back to Blood Gulch. Something tells me the fireworks are about to begin. Big time," he said. Marley nodded.
"Yes... and no. It's... complicated. Though, I'd say you have at least another month of crazy, hectic, action," she said. Dex shook his head and strapped himself in.
"Let's get this over with," he muttered. Marley snickered. Ah~! She loved doing that to people~!
/*/
When The Phantom arrived back in blood Gulch airspace, it was to see another Pelican coming in. Marley skillfully avoided the other craft, though Dex could hear her muttering about stupid inexperienced pilots. "Uh... Marley?" he asked.
"Shut up. It's landing in the canyon," she bite back. He grumbled, but sat back. Marely was thankful he didn't see it land on Eagle.
/*/
Over at Blue Base, Doc was having to face a rather irritated Church. Not a very pleasant experience. "Hey Doc, what the heck's going on in there?" Church asked as odd, thumping sounds emanated from deeper inside the base.
"Oh. Church. Um, everything's fine. The patient is just resting," Doc said. A particularly loud thump echoed just as Doc finished speaking, causing him to wince behind his visor.
"Doesn't sound like he's resting," Church drawled, disbelieving. Doc chuckled, glad to note that only a hint of his nervousness leaked through into the sound.
"That's not Tucker. That's our new arrival," Doc said, just as the baby let out a loud 'blarrrrg.' "He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding." Doc could see Church give a shudder of disgust.
"Tucker... fed... the baby? Gross," the soldier said. Secretly, Doc agreed, but he had to make the best of this situation.
"Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village," the medic said. 'Stay positive. Stay positive. No-body likes an emo brooder. Except crazy fan girls, and you don't want those. Stay. Positive.'
"How'd you get him to agree to that?" asked Church, like this was an incredible achievement.
"It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice," Doc told the shocked Church over the sounds of things breaking and the occasional 'blarg blarg honk'.
"He hates needles," Church told Doc, who shrugged as Caboose came staggering around the corner behind him.
"No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work."
"I feel dizzy!" Caboose announced, looking around like he was hallucinating.
"Um... is he gonna be okay?" Church asked, watching the other soldier waver on unsteady legs.
"Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker! Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy," Doc said, laughing a little at the absurdity of the situation. 'Laugh at the crazy, or you'll be pulled in.' Caboose moaned again, still looking about randomly. "Anyway, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light..." Doc went on, just before Caboose said,
"I think I'm going to stop standing up now," and finally succumbed to his blood loss, crumpling into a pile of limbs and blue armor.
"Or passing out," Doc added, wincing as he heard the soldier collapse behind him. That sounded like it hurt.
"Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice," Caboose said from his crumpled heap. In the background, it sounded like the 'baby' wasn't too happy with something, judging from the rapid 'blargblargblarg's coming from deeper in the base.
"Ugh! How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?!" Church asked.
"Sleeping?" Doc asked, a hint of near hysteric laughter tinging his voice. "He's not sleeping... He's in a coma." Church growled and Doc was rather glad he had full control of his body again... even if it meant O'Malley was somewhere else. At least the A.I. couldn't say something to make Church even more irritated.
"Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this," Church said, bringing his gun back up. Doc noted that the soldier's grip on said weapon had tightened slightly. While he was a little uncomfortable with the cross-species thing, Doc couldn't let Church do what it looked like he was planning.
"I can't feel my torso," Caboose informed them. Doc gave a soft sigh of relief. The idiot lived to derp another day! Huzza!
"I don't think so," Doc said to Church, deciding to ignore Caboose for the moment. "A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease. And Cuddling~! I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.
"Doc, don't worry. I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on it's neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll," Church said.
/*/
Marley dropped Dex off by the Pelican, from which banging could be heard, and then headed toward Blue base. "Well. It certainly seems I've missed something. Anyone care to fill me in?" the weapons expert asked, nodding toward the ship.
"Uh... a ship fell out of the sky and landed on Eagle, sir," Rick replied.
"Injuries?" Dex inquired.
"Outside of Eagle being under it when the ship crashed? No." Dex nodded.
"Good. Now let's see if the pilot survived," Dex remarked.
"What will we do about Eagle? There's no way he survived having this ship land on him. Poor Eagle, I'll miss him like an annoying cousin," Rick lamented. Dex scoffed.
"Please. Of course he's alive! Didn't Marley tell you about the cave system under Blood Gulch? There's a chance he just fell down there. And the inertial dampeners along with the experimental jet pack Marley gave him should have been enough to slow his decent and cushion his landing enough for him to survive if it were more than a hundred foot drop. Lower than that, and there's no way he'd get taken out!" he said.
"Uh, Dex? What about the ship?" Rick asked. Dex shook his head.
"Please. Not even getting hit in the head with a falling ship could get rid of Eagle. Remember that energy shield unit Marly outfitted us with? That would have protected him enough to make a crater, which would have burst through the roof of the caves, allowing Eagle to fall though. OH! And that's another thing that would make sure he survived the fall," he said, crossing his arms. As Dex finished talking, a tapping sound started to come from the ship. All three froze for a moment, then Orange took charge and leveled a finger at Rick. "Get that door open! If the pilot survived, I've got some questions that he can provide," he said. Rick nodded and quickly opened the door, Dex close behind.
"Hey!" a yellow armored soldier said perkily. Dex froze.
"I know that voice," he breathed. Louder he asked, "Kai?"
/*/
Doc was shocked at Church's casual disregard for life. "Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too," he remarked. 'Huh. Never thought I'd be thankful for my sarcastic side,' the medic thought. Truly, if it hadn't been for that part of him, he was fairly sure he'd bee freaking out and yelling at Church about the importance of life in all its forms. Disregarding his own troubled past of course.
"I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?" Caboose asked from the floor. Again, he was ignored in favor of the gun toting sociopath with anger issues. Not a good combination.
"I tell you what, I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?" Church said. Doc shook his head, unwilling to give ground.
"Sorry."
"Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base," Church said. Well, at least he was trying to be civil. Still wasn't gonna work though.
"Church, don't make me pull rank on you," Doc said, making sure he was planted as firmly in Church's way as possible. Church, however, was flabbergasted at Doc's declaration.
"Rh-rank? What the fudge... I outrank... you don't outrank me! I'm a Captain!" Church stammered.
"Noo~. You're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private. With a dead Captain," Doc said sensibly. Caboose decided to pipe up once more.
"My body... is trying... to die," he said.
"W-okay fine, then we're both Privates. You don't outrank me," Church said.
"No, I'm Medical Super-Private, First Class," Doc corrected. This just served to make Church even more confused, which made him frustrated. Which was not something nice.
"That's not a real rank," Church said.
"Yes it is," Doc defended.
"Since when?" Church asked.
"Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion," Doc replied while the baby let out a loud 'harrrgh!'
"They promoted you for that!? You haven't even used your weapon!" Church shouted.
"Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people, Church. It's about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people," Doc told him.
"If I've been bitten, dose that mean I'm going to turn into one of them?" Caboose asked.
"Oh shut up Caboose," Church said irritably.
"Blaaaaa..." Caboose began, causing Church to again snap at him to shut up. Caboose finished his long, drawn out, Blarg. "Oh no, don't let me turn," the rookie pleaded. And that was when an 'earth' shaking CRASH! rattled the base.
"The heck was that!?" Church asked.
"I didn't feel anything," Caboose muttered, clearly out of it... or... more... out of it... man Blue Team was weird.
"I'll be right back," Church told Doc and the not-quite-comatose Caboose, "don't feed any more of our soldiers to the Alien," he added before running off.
"Okay, but I can't make any promises," Doc called after him.
"Don't leave me with the horrible doctor," Caboose called plaintively.
"Oh shut up Caboose," Doc said waspishly to the prone soldier.
"Now he's cursing at me," Caboose... whimpered? Honestly, it's hard to tell with that guy. While Church ran off to investigate the crash, Doc took the alien baby out for a walk. Of course, this left the two out of commission Blues open for Marley to swoop in and help. She went to Caboose first. After testing to find his blood type, she was relieved to find that it was a match for Dex's. From there is was a relatively simple matter for her to give him a blood transfusion. Caboose sorted out, mostly, she headed further inside to check on Tucker. When she found him, she nearly cursed.
"Next time Doc's unaccounted for, I'm hunting him down and teaching him a few things," she growled, taking in the clumsy stitches across Tucker's abdomen. "He didn't even preform a C-Section!" she declared in horrified disgust. Finally she shook herself and set up her tools. Obviously, she was going to have to do some damage control. First, she washed the affected area with disinfectant before took out the stitches, which had been too loose in places and far too tight in others. Then, she wiped the edges of the wound with a numbing agent. That done, she selected the proper thread and needle to apply proper sutures. Finally, she wrapped his torso with fresh bandages and gave him an anti-biotic shot to stave off any infection. When she was back on The Phantom, she decided to go ahead and test Tucker's blood type. It was a match for her own. She sighed, but filed the information away for future reference. With how often these guys got into scrapes, it'd be handy knowing where to get donor blood.
/?/
A/N: Oh, what I could say here... but I won't. Instead I'll say... CLIFFHANGER! Though really, it's not as if you don't know what's coming. The Major AU train is still picking up passengers and has yet to leave the station. The Minor AU train left the station in the first Episode. ACK! I boarded the Rambling Train I was hoping to avoid! Leave a review down below telling me the good, the bad, and the 'what?' Tchuss!
A/N 2: So... yeah. I adjusted when Dex and Marley returned, what happened after the Wyoming Mission, and gave Caboose and Tucker medical attention. Because Doc doesn't count. 8/25/16