Can you believe the last time I posted was 8 YEARS AGO? I'm back :) Banana Fish belongs to Yoshida Akimi.

April 24

Eiji, can you please.. Can you please just pick up? I'm sorry I blocked you for so long. I know you hate being blocked and I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore, but.. You know, this is really petty. On your behalf. I know you're mad, but you don't have to ignore me like this. Call me back. You're unblocked. I've unblocked you. Please.

April 26

Look, I know you didn't block me because it's ringing. Are you really ignoring me? It's been three days. Can we just talk about what happened? I know you're mad and I'm sorry. Please, can we just talk? A month isn't that long to be blocked! In the grand scheme of things, it's a twelfth of a year. And you're how old? A month is just a blip, honestly. Call me back.

April 29

Eiji. Eiji! Please, just talk to me. I miss hearing you. I miss you. Call me back.

April 30

Eiji, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't want to fight, I didn't mean to blow up, I didn't mean to hurt you. But I did and I said all those terrible things and I… Please call me back. I'm sorry. Please.

May 3

I can't believe you're fucking doing this. Is it fun, huh? I bet you're just listening to all these fucking voicemails and fucking loving it, aren't you. Get to hear me fucking desperate and begging, huh? Must be really fucking nice, huh? We're not fucking doing this. It's been a week. It's been more than a week actually. Grow the fuck up. Call me back.

May 5

If this is how you want it, I won't give you the FUCKING SATISFACTION! DAMN IT, EIJI! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

May 24

It's been a whole month. I thought you'd pick up. You're not as petty as me though. You're so much more forgiving than me… You're always there no matter what. I thought … Well. Huh, I guess that means I've really fucked up this time, right? If you're still this mad at me? That you won't even talk to me? I'll just leave you be then. You can call me when you're ready. I miss you. I'm sorry. When you're ready. Call me, please.

May 27

I said I'd leave you be but I… There's this Japanese festival going on in Central Park and I thought of you. They have the hotdogs cut to look like little octopi, the ones you make me for lunch sometimes and I… I don't know why I'm calling. Sorry. This was stupid, I'm sorry.

June 1

Did you really fucking go back to Japan? Did you really fucking leave? You didn't even fucking tell me!? And Shorter and everyone's being incredibly vague about everything, saying you're back in Japan and not telling me anything else, that's just - that's just fucking stupid! And they all have this uncomfortable look on their faces, like … like … Did you tell them not to tell me anything? Did you!? What the fuck! Oh, so now you finally listen to me, huh? After one stupid fucking fight? You're finally leaving, like I had always wanted you to, and you don't even say fucking say goodbye. Damn… You're just fucking running away, huh? Fine, then! Just fucking run away, just ignore your problems like you always do, you fucking coward. I don't care if you call me back! I don't care if you call me ever! You can just fuck off for all I care!

June 4

I am doing SO FUCKING WELL WITHOUT YOU, EIJI OKUMURA! FUCK YOU!

June 5

I didn't know. I didn't know, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I promise. No one was telling me anything, and then I finally… I was so stubborn and no one was telling me anything, and for perfectly good reason. Because I'm stubborn and I'm a child and you... And then Max… Then Max told me what happened and I… I shouldn't have blocked you for so long, I shouldn't have let you leave the house mad, I shouldn't have let you drive mad… You never drive mad, you tell me you never like driving mad and… And the one time you do, something happens…

You always tell me you don't like it when I block you because what if something happens and we don't have a chance to resolve anything and I always tell you that was silly and stupid because there's no way we can't resolve anything within a few days but… you're right. Of course, because you're always right.

Max was so mad at me. He would've found me sooner, but I was so mad at you and I … Ha, he said I disappeared off the face of the earth for a bit and he's not wrong. I wanted to disappear. I couldn't handle you being mad at me. And I just got mad in response because I… I don't even know anymore. I don't even know. If anything… I guess I just needed to be right. I don't always need to be right and I know that now but it's too late and… I ruined everything. I ruined us, I ruined you and I didn't mean to, but I did...

Max is so mad at me. He said that… He said that… that the last person you tried to call and message was me… He said you tried to call me but I… and you were blocked because… and I had blocked you and… fuck. I didn't even get the voicemail. I didn't even get to hear... Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I'm so sorry. Please, I'm sorry. I'm so… I'm so so sorry.

June 6

I miss you so much. I'm sorry.

June 7

I wish you were here. I wish I could see you again. I wish I could talk to you again.

June 10

So I reactivated Facebook. Your profile's become like … well, there's all these pictures and videos of you and… and you look so happy. You're such a dork. This hurts. I miss you so so much.

June 17

I keep going through all these pictures of us and honestly, there's none where we both look good. When I look good, you're off doing something stupid. When you look great, I'm making a face like I wish I was somewhere else… You always tell me that we would never have good pics together and I guess you're right about that...

June 18

There's this one Polaroid they found in your wallet and it was a candid of us and this is the only good picture of us that exists. I'm keeping it forever.

June 20

I can't live knowing that you died thinking that I hated you. I could never hate you. Never.

June 27

This could've all been avoided, realistically, if we hadn't fought. What were we even fighting about? Everything was fine, what do we even fight about? We don't fight. That's not us. Sure we have arguments here and there, but everything's always okay. We don't fight. We argue. That's it. We don't fight.

June 28

I fucking remember why we fought. You're such an idiot and you always do stupid things that piss me off and … You honestly shouldn't have done that. You already knew! And you did it anyway! And you got mad even though you know how I'd react! I know I yelled at you, but I yelled at you because you - UGH. So, honestly, so this is your fault! All of this! Could have been avoided. If you had just… Fuck! You could still be here, we could still be resolving this like we always do, because we always do, we could still be talking -

July 1

I don't know why I'm blaming you for my idiot tendencies. I honestly should be better about that.

Okay, but you know that I have low blood pressure and that's why I wake up cranky, but… No. No, I'm sorry. I'm still trying to blame you for something that's my fault. What's that phrase you always tell me? "It's an explanation, not an excuse." Ha… you always said that. Always… Is it too late to apply that to my life now that you're … If anything, you'd want me to at least try. I'll try to be better. No, I will be better. For me. For you. You, mostly, but also for me. Because I know you'd want that.

I wish. I wish you could see me be better.

July 4

Remember New Years Eve? And all the fireworks? Times Square was so crowded and you were so confused about the ball drop. It's just to ring in the start of the new year, you know. The same way that in Japan, they ring a bell however many times - 108 times? Something excessive like that. And it was so crowded and you're so tiny and I thought I was going to lose you. So you put your hands in my pockets and told me that I'd never lose you. Ha… And… and you cried because it was so beautiful, you said. I'll never forget the look on your face, all lit up by the fireworks. You're such a damn crybaby and I made fun of you for crying and you just cried harder…

Guess what I'm doing now. I miss you. So much.

July 10

I don't know why I keep calling you. I don't know why I keep leaving you voicemails you'll never get to hear. Actually, I do know. I'm selfish.

No, that's not it. I can hear you telling me that in your voice, ha… It's therapeutic, I suppose. I have all these things I want to say to you and I can't and leaving you voicemails is sort of a way to do that. Maybe it'll help me get closure. Because there's no way we can physically, literally, actually get closure… Fuck, I'm making myself depressed. I should really stop calling you. All this does is remind me that I fucked up and I could've fixed things, remind me that you're gone and you're not coming back and I so, so desperately want to talk to you again, want to see you again, want to…

I want to do so many things with you. I want… wanted to live the rest of my life by your side.

I fucked up. I really did. And I'm so sorry. And nothing I say will ever bring you back, no matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times I say I miss you… Please, can you come back to me. Somehow, some way. I don't care. I just need to see you. Come back to me. Please. Just come back...

July 13

The cicadas are really loud. It's sweltering. I'm burning. You'd laugh if you saw me. It really is summer now.

Hey, do you remember…? That summer? I just want to thank you for that summer, when we ate chips and fries and drank super-sized Coke. When we enjoyed banana, pecan, chocolate chip, cherry ice cream, even though you're lactose intolerant and a certified idiot… When we swam in the river in our clothes… and laughed like our troubles never existed.

And we laid on the riverbank in our wet clothes and felt the heat on our faces and we talked. About anything, about everything. And you got sleepy from being in the sun for too long, so I carried you on my back. I was wondering if my life had ever been that perfect while knowing that it hadn't been. And I know now that it won't be that perfect again because… that could've been us again this summer, down in Cape Cod. But it can't. It won't.

Max asked me if I wanted to go again, with him and his family. I couldn't bring myself to say yes. I should say yes. I shouldn't let the memories of us stop me from doing the things I want to do, but I don't want to do anything anymore if you're not there. Miss you.

July 18

You know, you're the only person I can talk with on the phone. There's just something about you that makes it so comforting to actually talk to you, instead of just exchanging messages. I can spend hours on the phone with you. I didn't realize until now, but I only ever call you. Even now… Miss you.

July 21

I keep a pile of your stuff in the corner of my house because I don't know what to do with it. I can't even go through it, even though I probably should. I watched some "Joy of Tidying" show or whatever and while I really appreciate the sentiment behind the methodology, I can't …

Your things bring me so much grief, but… They also bring me so much joy. Maybe I'm clinging onto them thinking that you'll come back to get them or come back to add to this pile. Remember the one time we argued and you took all of your stuff from my apartment? That was so childish… But I'm even more childish... because I hid your favorite sweater while you were collecting things and I wore it when you left, every night until we made up. It was too small, it was practically a crop top. Ha, this is so embarrassing to say out loud, even though you'll never hear this… Miss you.

July 22

I went through your pile of stuff. Sometimes I forget how small you are. Or how tall I am? I folded all of your clothes. You have a space in my closet. I was going to wash your clothes with my laundry, but I…

Ugh, never mind. Never mind. Miss you.

July 26

There's this stupid looking dog at the shelter and it keeps looking at me whenever I walk past. And it reminds me of you, with its big dumb eyes and goofy little grin. No, dogs can't grin. It's not grinning, nope. You'd be a smaller dog anyway. This one's a gangly thing with a droopy face so this is 100% not you. Actually, no, we talked about this before. I'm a wildcat and you're a Labrador retriever. A little clumsy, full of energy, loyal to a fault… Miss you.

July 30

They're emptying your apartment. Mrs. Owen and Mrs. Coleman are still devastated, you know. I talked to them today and they were mad at me, understandably, but... Anyway, your lease is finally up and well, Max and Shorter and I have been going to your place periodically to collect your things to send to your family… But that's all personal stuff. Small stuff. We don't know what to do with your furniture. I'm just…

I'm actually here right now. Sitting on the floor between your couch and your coffee table. I might be going crazy, because I can feel the pressure of your knees on my back. Hear you humming some Japanese folk song. Smell those weird beans you love eating for breakfast. I still can't stand it and I hate that I can smell it in my imagination. Ha…

This...

This is so cozy that I never want to leave. I'm scared. I'm scared to leave. I'm scared to never see this scenery again. I'm scared to lose you. None of this feels real. I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this…

August 6

I took your coffee table and your floor cushions. I hope you don't mind. I needed a coffee table anyway. I took some of your DVDs too. We watched a lot of things together, but we never watched any of these. I tried my usual sitting position, you know, on the floor, yeah anyway. I tried that to watch this one movie. It's got a weird title, "5 Centimeters per Second"? I bet it's more lovely in Japanese. It's a beautiful movie, really. I love the imagery and the symbolism, but it's so melancholy. Why didn't you recommend this to me before? I recognized the song at the end, that's the one you're always humming. I wish I could've watched this with you… Miss you.

August 12

Eiji Okumura, you are the corniest, dorkiest, cutest boy in all of existence and every day, I am more and more grateful to have met you. Only you would think to schedule birthday cards months in advance. When did you even write this? How did you even send this? How did you plan this? This isn't even just a card, this is…

I miss you. So much. All the time.

How is it that your words can fill my heart with so much love but break it at the same time? How is it that your words give me so much hope for something that will never be able to happen? We can't meet again. You're so far, so far out of reach. I want to meet you again, but I can't. Not now, not in this lifetime. I want that so much…

I wanted to meet you. Did you know? The month that I learned you … I wanted to meet you. I was going to… Because I couldn't handle living in a world without you. Because I thought I could find you in the afterlife or wherever you are and tell you that I'm sorry, tell you I miss you... But that's just… I couldn't go through with it.

I couldn't even go to your memorial service. Max asked me if I wanted to go to Japan with him and his family to pay respects at your grave, but I… I can't. I feel like if I went to your grave, everything would just collapse around me as the reality that you no longer exist in this world just solidifies. I always accused you of running away from your problems but you never did… And here I am, I can't even face them.

Your soul is always with me… Ha...

But you know, you're still somehow right. Because you always are. Somehow. I miss that about you…

You're here with me. Always. I know you are. I won't ever be able to see you or touch you or talk to you… But it still feels like you're here. Ha… I think that's worse. Feeling your presence in my life, all around me, always with me but not having you here, actually here. It feels like I'm suffocating. I miss you so much. So goddamn much. I would give anything right now to have even an ounce of my feelings reach you wherever you are. Because I love you. I've loved you from the moment I met you and I will love you till our souls meet again.

I am so lucky to have met you. My time with you was the happiest time of my life. I miss you, Eiji Okumura.

August 13

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