10. To Thine Own Self Be True

-Hamlet

Remus cried.

He cried and cried for days on end after his breakup with Tonks. It hurt him more than any transformation ever had.

He didn't assign any work because he couldn't grade. He physically couldn't get through the day without crying about her. The woman he loved was gone, gone from his grasp, because of that accursed Sirius Black.

He missed her so flipping much. He missed talking to her, laughing with her, and hugging her, kissing her, everything about her. He missed being able to hold her in his arms and relish the warmth she gave him.

And it was his fault, for not being completely honest, for not having told her sooner, for being so selfish as to hide his past from her so that she would love him more.

And then the full moon rolled around, the shiny moon with sparkles of glitter flickering off its pearly white reflection, and never had something so beautiful turned into something so horrid. Even with the Wolfsbane, all he could do was think about her, even in wolf state, because he had messed up everything between them, and it was entirely his fault.

He didn't know how Tonks was faring. All he did know was that she had requested a transfer in the departments, so now she was working in the grounds a lot more, instead of being inside the castle.

Because of him.

Earlier, when he had first met Tonks, and he had learned to like her, before knowing that she had liked him, he had told himself that he would personally murder anyone who dared to hurt her.

And now that was him.

Gentle, polite, infallibly kind Remus Lupin, hurting a young girl.

The misery.

The pain.

The guilt.

"Professor?"

He turned to see who the person was who had released him from this spiral of self-deprecation, and found that it was…

Draco Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy was an interesting character.

Remus knew that Draco would always complain about him in loud tones, about the state of his robes, or how boring his lessons were, or how mean he was. This happened all the time, but you couldn't please everybody, especially not when you were a werewolf, so Remus let it go.

The peculiar thing was that Draco always seemed intrigued by his classes. He wouldn't ask questions, but he did pay attention, a flame of curiosity always burning in his eyes. And it was this that gave Remus mixed feelings about Draco. Because while of course he didn't like how rude Draco was, he felt that the boy was actually interested in him, and his class, and it wasn't remotely because of the fact he was a werewolf.

Remus took a moment to observe the boy's face. Draco's face was impassive, though there was a softness in his eyes, which belied his otherwise tough and taunting nature. His posture was defensive, but bold at the same time. Remus glanced around to make sure that nobody else was listening into their conversation before finally addressing the student.

"Yes, Draco?"

Draco shifted in his stance, running a hand through his sleek, blonde hair. "I have something to ask you."

"Yeah, go ahead."

There was a small pause. Remus felt his heart starting to beat abnormally, and he ran a hand through his own hair, trying not to be intimidated by the shorter boy in front of him.

"Well, what happened to Tonks?"

Oh, no.

It was like a heavy lead weight had dropped to the bottom of his heart, pummeling down his insides, staining him with the guilt, the remorse, the regret that he had only just managed to relieve himself of, if only temporarily.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, in the most calm and collected manner he could muster.

"Have you noticed how glum she looks?" asked Draco. "She looks like her entire world turned upside down. And she's my cousin. I want to make sure she's okay."

Heck, this was new. Draco Malfoy, caring about someone?

"And I know you're friends with her," he said, a note of anger streaking his voice.

"Yeah," Remus managed. "I… don't know."

"Do you want to take this conversation somewhere else, Professor?" Draco asked challengingly, his eyes glinting. "Your office?"

"Yeah," Remus said weakly. "Okay."

Draco led him into his own office, his eyes on the alert, his stance ready. As soon as Remus closed the door, Draco turned to face him.

"Okay, Professor, enough with the indifference. I know you know. You've got to know. Do you have any idea how much time you spend with her? I refuse to believe that nothing's changed. What happened, Professor?"

"Draco, I-I can't tell you."

"I don't care if you can tell me or not. I need to know."

Remus shook his head. "Draco, it's really not something I can tell you. It's between me and Dora."

"That's… Did you just call her Dora?" Draco peered at him suspiciously.

Keep it calm, Lupin.

"Only her family calls her that," Draco mused to himself. "So you know her that well?"

"I guess," Remus said, shifting uncomfortably.

"Like… that well?"

Remus only stared at him.

"Okay, fine. Wait. Did you say it was between you and Dora?"

"You just pointed that out," Remus said, somewhat irritably.

"Not the Dora part," Draco brushed aside impatiently. "So you're involved in this matter?"

Dang it. "Yes."

"Okay, Professor, now you have to tell me. No excuses."

"Draco, I…" How was he supposed to explain this? "Look, Draco. This isn't a matter that can just be told. There's a lot involved, and it's nothing that concerns you, or any of the students. Nobody's going to be affected. You'll be okay."

"Yeah, I know, but Tonks won't."

Remus sucked in a sharp breath at this. "She… I… We're sorting it out."

"Professor, really." Draco looked… almost earnest. "She's my cousin, and I happen to like her. We're friends. And I need to know what's going on with her."

"Well, have you asked her yet?" Remus asked, trying to delay this imminent conversation.

"No," Draco replied. "Honestly, Professor, I have more tact than that. You don't be nosy to someone who's distressed."

Remus personally thought that nobody should be nosy to anyone, period, but he didn't know how to express that to Draco without sounding like a child. He tried again. "Yeah, I get that. But… I don't want to talk about it."

Draco sighed. "At least tell me what the problem is?"

"No."

"Professor, you're acting like a child."

How dare he say that, though Remus couldn't agree more.

"You don't have to tell me everything," Draco relented. "But I want to know what's bothering her. Like, did she get hurt? Did you say something? Did she get fired? Like, what happened?"

Remus swallowed. "There's… something that she found out. And she didn't like it."

"Oh. And how are you involved in this, exactly?" Draco asked.

"I… concealed that information from her," he admitted.

"Why would you have to tell her in the first place?" Draco inquired, crossing his arms over his chest. "Like, is it really important? Auror stuff? Or is it personal? I don't really need to know what it is, but…"

"Yeah," Remus replied impatiently. "Auror stuff."

"Got it. So she's mad because you didn't tell her about some Auror stuff?"

"Essentially."

"Well, that's a silly thing to get mad over," Draco muttered.

"It's not her fault," Remus replied, finding himself springing to her defense, for reasons unknown to him.

"Oh yeah?" Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Care to explain what did happen, then?"

He sighed. "She deserved to know, and I didn't tell her. That doesn't make it her fault at all."

"How would you know Auror stuff?" Draco inquired.

"As I said, it's private."

"Oh. Okay. So how are we going to help her?"

"We?" Remus asked. "I've done enough."

"Whatever," Draco responded, rolling his eyes. "Do you have anything to say to her?"

Remus paused for a second, trying to think of what he wanted to say. He felt inundated by the number of things he wanted to say to her, and show to her, and prove to her, and do to her. But he couldn't.

"No," he responded finally, his voice breaking. "No. Nothing."

"Okay, then." Draco narrowed his eyes. "You'd better not do anything more to hurt her, Professor."

"I won't," he said quietly. "I promise."

Draco nodded approvingly and walked away.

Remus sighed, slumping down the wall and burying his face in his hands. Why was everything about him so complicated? He could never do anything right. Being inflicted with lycanthropy, losing James and Lily in the first war, Tonks slipping through his fingers… there was something in common, and it was him. One way or another, he had a role in this. He always managed to curse things, because he was a burden on everyone and everything.

He wasn't fit to be here.

The decision was made in a split second, and Remus rushed up to Dumbledore's office, pounding on the door urgently. "Headmaster, I need to speak with you. It's urgent."

"Come in," sounded Dumbledore's voice after a moment, and Remus walked into his study quickly.

"Professor, I'm leaving," he stated bluntly. "Thank you so much for appointing me here in the first place, and I'm so sorry for the inconvenience. But I can't take one more second of this. I'm done. This is too much for me."

"Calm down, Remus," Dumbledore said softly. "Take a seat. Come on, sit down."

"I don't want to sit down," he argued hotly. "I'm leaving."

"Sit."

Remus sat.

"Now, what has brought on this turn of events?" asked Dumbledore, cleaning his glasses.

Remus took a deep breath in and let it out. "Professor, there's a lot going on right now. You… don't want a werewolf teaching your children. I'm inexplicably grateful to you for giving me such a pristine opportunity, but I can't. I… I can't live like this. I'm endangering your students, and everyone else in this castle. Even with Wolfsbane. Nobody wants their children being taught by a werewolf. Nobody wants their children to even know a werewolf. Nobody wants their children to befriend and be nice to a werewolf. And they're all doing that. Every single one of them, even the freaking Slytherins. I can't do this anymore, Dumbledore. It's just… too much guilt."

Dumbledore observed him closely. "But you've been putting up with it all year, have you not?"

"Professor, you don't understand. It… This should never have happened in the first place. I can't… I can't subject anyone to this. And… for god's sake!" He picked up an antique and hurled it at the fireplace, the china shattering into a million pieces. "Why did you appoint me here this year, Dumbledore? It's because of Sirius, isn't it? You put me here so that maybe Harry could learn? Maybe Harry could know the truth one day? But you explicitly told me not to say anything? It's a heavy secret I bear, Dumbledore, up next to my lycanthropy. And now… And now he's gone and escaped, escaped from Azkaban prison, and I'm supposed to keep this all a secret? Not tell anybody? Even when they…" His voice broke. "Even when they deserve to know?"

He continued, in a softer, pleading voice, "Professor, you have to understand that this doesn't work for me. To keep secrets like this from the people I love because it works with your schemes. And I know that it's all for Harry's good, and all that, but it's because I'm here in the first place that led to all this. And…"

"Hold on, Remus," Dumbledore interrupted calmly. "Led to all what? What is this all about?"

Remus sighed. "That's… not the point. The point is that you put me here, knowing full well my relationship with Sirius, while you stationed Aurors here who are actively trying to find out anything about him. You put me in a position in which I would be forced to disclose information that is private to me. It's not fair, Dumbledore. Do you have any idea how much this means? Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose your friends because of another friend, know about the existence of your dead friends' child, but not be able to meet him, to see him, so that he doesn't even know who you are, and then that murderer escapes from Azkaban prison, on the run, escaping to kill the son of your best friends, having to hide that information from everyone, yet carry it with you the entire time? Do you have any idea what it's like, Professor? I… I know that you have to do what you have to do, but you can't put me through all of this, Professor."

"You never seemed to have a complaint before this, Remus," Dumbledore said gravely. "Something happened?"

"Yes. Something happened, darn it. And that put things into perspective for me, showed me that I should never have condoned this in the first place. It's wrong, Dumbledore, to put me in a position like this."

"Remus, it was your decision in the first place to…"

"Shut up." Remus was flooded with red hot anger right now. "Do not say it was my decision. NOTHING was my decision. Not being bitten, not Voldemort, not James and Lily and Peter dying, not Sirius escaping from Azkaban, not losing her."

"Allow me to finish," said Dumbledore coolly. "It was your decision in the first place if you wanted to reveal your history with Sirius Black to anyone. That was completely under your control, yes?"

"I don't care, Albus. I'm leaving this school. Replace me. And for god's sake, you may want to think twice before hiring another half-breed."

"Remus…."

But he was already gone.

A/N: darija305, this one's for you! I know you mentioned in a review early on that you liked the Draco/Tonks friendship, so I decided to add in some Draco for you! I hope you enjoyed it!

The good news is that there are only two chapters left! And there's no way I'm leaving our two favorite characters like this. Things will get resolved in chapter 11, so stay tuned! Thank you to my amazing following! :D