"So, what's the first thing I should do to get a girlfriend?"
"Two words, buddy: BREATH! MINT!"
Daxter had been hoping to avoid this moment for as long as possible, not because he was afraid of having all of his charm to be stolen by the hopeless blonde boy that could scare off fish faster than the Fisherman could, but most people would have seen through his bravado by now. The Ottsel never had one of his jokes go on this long and he was honestly at a loss now that this kid was an even more hopeless case in the romance department than he was and genuinely thought he could help him. Unable to put an end to his charades, half in the fear of being abandoned if he failed to perform and the other because not helping the kid was like eating a juicy yakow steak in front of a starving puppy. It was because of his fear and reluctance to abandon another kindred soul that Daxter found himself needing to bluff his way through yet another dangerous situation. Considering he was now no longer human because of one particular incident gone wrong, he was not optimistic.
Still, there was some hope for him yet. Not for Jaune though, even Daxter could tell that looking like a pet could only be an improvement for him. The boy was eager enough for Daxter to approve of, but that was about the only thing he felt was good about him. Words could not describe how much the scrawny, cowardly, and overall hopelessly pathetic boy was in everything else.
Just like he was before going to Misty Island, come to think of it…
With that thought pushed aside, and the fumes from the knight in shining tin foil's breath finally fanned away, Daxter had managed to give his first piece of advice. Sure, it was one that he had given to most everyone he met these days now that he had a better sense of smell as an Ottsel, but since better hygiene would help Jaune no matter what he was trying to do Daxter still considered this the first of many hopeful victories.
As for the boy in question, he laughed at the sight of his mentor like any lifetime bachelor would before his confident laugh slowly began to be filled with doubt. The look on his face after checking his breath was something Daxter was going to savor for a long, long time.
"Oh… oh my *hurk*, I think I shouldn't have left my toothbrush at home after all." Jaune said, nearly covering Daxter in his lunch and earning a well deserved glare for not making any effort to redirect the aim of his freshly loaded stomach.
"You THINK?! If you can't even keep the ladies from SMELLING you before they see you, then how do you think you're ever going to be able to talk to them?" Daxter said, holding nothing back now that he saw that his partner for the last few hours had lost what little spine he had already.
"Yeah, you're right. I'll pick up a toothbrush, toothpaste and then-"
"And mouthwash, floss, breath mints, chewing gum, and maybe some heavy duty cologne if none of that helps."
"Uhh… are you sure about that last one?" Jaune asked as was concerned about how Daxter intended him to use all of those.
"Do you doubt your sensei, blondie?"
"No Daxter, but-"
"That's what I thought."
Things were going good now, even more so that he could safely ride the boy's shoulders again after feeling like he was going to pass out from the smell that he thought was the boy's clothes. Seriously though, does he always wear the same outfit everyday or what? 'Baby steps, just focus on one problem at a time.' Daxter thought to himself while Jaune readied himself for the future.
"So, what other advice do you have for me?" Jaune asked, the defeat in his voice still present as always but now hinting at hope for a better tomorrow once he had his answer.
This hope brought Daxter back to reality now that the task at hand had come back into focus and overshadowed his victory at this first battle between his wits and Jaune… being Jaune. Still, if there was one thing Daxter was good at it was making stuff up as he went along. That, and never being at a loss for words no matter who he was talking to, so now all he had to do was hope his brain could keep up with his mouth for once.
"Okay, so we covered personal hygiene, right? Before we get started, have you ever tried talking to a girl and getting a date before?"
"Yes."
"How badly did it go?" Daxter asked him, not believing any of this for a moment.
"What? I-I did great!"
"Really? Then why are you asking the strange talking animal for advice instead of going out there and chatting up your hot date, huh?"
Jaune was about to say something in his defense, something that Daxter found himself looking forward to despite knowing exactly how terrible it must have been. Watching Jaune try to talk himself up or act more confident than he actually was like watching a train wreck in action, it was absolutely horrendous but somehow held your attention despite the destruction you were bearing witness to. Jaune seemed to come to the realization that it would be far better to keep his secret love life the way it was between him and Daxter, a secret, before the rodent started laughing at him uncontrollably. Again.
Thankfully for him, Daxter had never been the most patient person in the world and decided to start doing his work now that Jaune's moment of embarrassment gave him just enough time to give him something to work with.
"Okay, so you crashed and burned in the past…"
"It wasn't that bad!"
"But it was bad enough to start asking the first person willing to listen to you, an animal like me, and I use that word loosely here because women aren't looking for two feet of furry fun unless they got some screws loose, for help the first chance you had?"
"...okay, point taken. So, what do you think I should do to get a date and a girlfriend."
"Okay, FIRST of all you need to act confident. I was… good at it, sure, but no one has the same nerves of steel as my friend Jak does."
"Jak… the guy that sort of looks like me that you're looking for, right?" Jaune asked as the faint image of the fairytale like hero Daxter told him about came to mind.
"EXACTLY! That guy would have tried to hold his ground against a volcano if it hadn't been for me talking some sense into him. Now, while you should DEFINITELY grow a pair and act like you're the tough guy you've been making yourself out to be…"
"I am a tough guy!"
To his credit, Daxter did give Jaune a moment to take back his statement before breaking out into a fit of laughter. It wasn't a long one, but it was still there.
"PFFFT, THAT IS HILARIOUS! DID YOU THINK I FORGOT ABOUT WHEN I FIRST MET YOU? I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD LITTLE GIRLS BACK IN THE VILLAGE SCREAM LIKE THAT, BUT MAN THE WAY YOU-"
Jaune nearly leapt across the table when he closed Daxter's mouth for him, earning a few inquisitive looks after making a scene and only returning to his seat once everyone had stopped paying attention to him.
"Keep it down, didn't you want to keep people from knowing you could talk?" Jaune said, the tone of his voice doing nothing to hide the true reason he wanted Daxter to shut up until he stopped giggling.
"Sure thing wimpy, sure thing."
"Daxter…"
"Am I wrong?"
Jaune was about to say exactly why he was wrong, but reason finally came before pride this time and he thought better of it.
"Like I said, Wimpy with a capital 'W'. The chicks don't dig guys that are scared of their own shadow, so if you keep on acting like that you are never going to see a girl wanting to do anything other than laugh AT you instead of WITH you. Just… fake it, you know?" Daxter said to the disheartened boy who took the advice to heart before leaning in towards him and whispering his next few words. "The same way you faked your way into that combat school you keep talking about every now and then."
Jaune's eyes nearly bulged out of his heads after hearing this accusation. Daxter wasn't wrong of course, but… but how did he-
"Don't look so surprised there buddy. I'm not only friends with somebody who defeated an entire army but also a Hero with a capital 'H' myself, remember? I know exactly what it takes to fight someone, and buddy… I don't think you would be able to win against a wet napkin the way you are right now. And this is even if you have that sword on you when a wild napkin leaps out at you." Daxter said, unable to hold back the enormous grin that overcame him as the look on his audience's face turned into absolute horror.
"Don't look so surprised and don't even try to say that I'm wrong. You have had your weapon sheathed upside down ever since I met you and I am amazed it hasn't fallen out yet." He said as he pointed to the sword sheathed on his back.
"Wait, really?" Jaune reached behind himself to check the sword on his back and much to his surprise the handle was facing upwards on his back.
"What do you mean it's on upside down? I always thought this was the way you were supposed to wear one of these things." He said as he redirected his attention back to the Ottsel who's grin had grown even wider now.
"You know, maybe instead of acting confident you should play dumb. You're already a natural at it."
Suddenly, a thought rushed to Jaune's head as he put two and two together. Next, his hands joined his thoughts as he slapped them over his face in order to hide his head in shame at what had just happened.
"That was a trick, wasn't?"
"Yep, and you failed with FLYING COLORS! Just like you probably will in your first real fight if you don't figure things out by then."
"Oh… oh, crap. You're right." Jaune said as in a rare moment of thinking things through, he realized exactly how great of an idea it was to forge his transcripts to enter into the most prestigious huntsmen academy in the world.
"Don't worry about it. You help me find Jak, and I'll… let him show you a thing or two about fighting. I would do it myself, but I don't think you can do all the fancy stuff I can do without a tail." Daxter said, narrowly avoiding the hole he had almost dived headfirst into.
"Really?"
"Absolutely, it's the least I can do beside getting you a girl of your own for even listening to me instead of trying to sell me for whatever a 'Lien' is." Daxter said, shivering as the thought of being turned into some rich snob's pet or 'muskrat' stew.
...actually, that first one didn't seem so bad. No chance of dying horribly, but then again rich people never did anything interesting anyway. Now there was an interesting choice right there, dying of boredom or dying of excitement. Choices…
"Anyways, let's try to fix one hopele-, ALMOST hopeless cause at a time. Just clean yourself up, act confident, maybe work out a bit since ladies love a guy with big strong muscles like the ones I had... and be funny." Daxter said, briefly running down the few points he felt Jaune would gain the most benefit from.
"Uhh, why would being funny help?" Jaune asked, noticing how that last one seemed far less hopeless than the others.
"There's two types of people in the world, people you laugh WITH and people you laugh AT. I don't know about you, but I would much rather have-"
"-people laughing with me instead of at me, I think I see what you mean." Jaune said after coming to the same conclusion that Daxter had years ago.
"Oh, and if all else fails just be yourself. Some girls like it when guys show a little bit of weakness, makes them more approachable or something… I wouldn't know since I'm just that awesome but my friend Jak has this one girl at home who has a crush on him, that shy dork of all people."
"Do you really think that would work? My mom told me the same thing but…"
"Jaune, for you that should be a last resort. And really, your mother is giving you relationship advice?" Daxter said, ready to give his own thoughts on how wrong that sounded the longer he thought about it but deciding to focus on a more relevant matter instead as he sized up what he was working with one last time.
"You will be scraping the bottom of the barrel should anyone find… this… attractive. Oh, uhh... no offense." The small orange Ottsel said before noticing the downtrodden look on Jaune's face and deciding to take it slightly easy on him.
"Couldn't you have at least been a bit nicer about it?"
"Did you want me to sugar coat it and start lying to you or do you want results? If you really want to be known as a momma's boy when you finally find a girlfriend then I can just keep on being quiet if you want me to."
"No… and thanks, Daxter. It really means a lot that you were willing to at least listen to me, let alone help me." Jaune said, only adding the part about keeping the laughter down next time to himself so as to not ruin the moment or chances of getting more help in the future.
"Oh, don't worry about it. We're friends, aren't we? Friends help each other. You're helping me find my best friend, so it's only natural I try and help you out as much as I can until the both of us can pay you back somehow." Daxter said before leaping on his shoulder, careful to stay downwind of his breath.
"Now, let's go get you something to stop that mouth stank you have going on there. ONWARDS MY SIDEKICK, TO THE MARKET!" Daxter shouted with his usual vigor on the prospect of a new adventure, no matter how small it would be.
"But what about finding Jak?"
"Oh, he'll be FINE. He's probably having the time of his life trying to find me, getting into trouble and finding some hot chicks to hang around with like he usually does too. Don't worry about him at all, I trained him enough so that he can handle himself on his own." Daxter said, completely unaware of how right he was.
"Sure thing, friend." Jaune said, setting down a pocketful of Lien on the table the two parted from and setting out into the night.
Author's Bit:
Thank you all for making it far as you have once again.
Don't worry, I didn't forget about these natural born sidekicks. With that said… I can't really see much of a point including chapters like these in the same way I would with the main storyline so instead I decided to release this as a short. This short, and any other ones I create in the future, will not follow my main fortnightly release schedule that I have and will not change my release schedule in any way. These shorts will come out whenever I finish them and can think of any others, so I make no guarantees as to how often they will be released. This one will not be the only one, but other than that it's very dependent on how whimsical I am feeling.