Disclaimer: Okay, seriously, I'm flattered you think I could come up with this all on my own, but I didn't. Props to Rooster Teeth.
Episode 47: Follow That Church!
Agent Orange called for a ceasefire when the Freelancers left their range for near perfect accuracy and sighed. "That... was harder than anything I've ever since landing in Blood Gulch," he admitted. "And please don't tell me I was the only one unconsciously aiming for non-lethal areas." Agent Maroon sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Yeah... I'd be all lined up for a headshot and then... my arm would twitch to the side, grazing their helmet rather than shattering their visor," he revealed. Red sighed. "You too huh?" Eagle shook his head.
"Losers, the lot of us," he remarked.
"Wasn't that what you said was going to save us, Dex? Wasn't our loser status what you told us was going to bring Freelancer to its knees?" Tucker asked. Dex sighed.
"Yeah but... even if I call them Freelancers... I keep thinking... Marley. Flowdie. Ed. Jack. Wash," he said. The others sighed and nodded.
"I know what you mean," Church said, then shook himself upright. "Come on, let's take this to Sandtrap."
"That place? Why?" Rick asked.
"Because~ there is a highly defensible temple there that happens to have an alien death machine buried in it. It's kind of a no-brainer."
"Oh, no wonder you thought of it, Code Head," Tucker growled. Kai smacked him while her brother smacked Church.
"There was a reason we buried that weapon, Church," Dex reminded him.
"That's no way to speak to your best friend!" Kai chided Tucker. Both males hung their heads and scuffed at the floor with the toe of their boots. Caboose looked around, completely lost while rick sighed, cradling his head in his left hand.
"You know what? You're all idiots," he said. "But, for the sake of buying time, let's go to Sandtrap. Who knows, maybe Epsilon will pull a Chi and choose a temporary host so we can finally talk directly to the guy."
"I can fly you," Doc said, popping up out of nowhere.
"HAH! I wouldn't count on it!" Chi countered, popping up on Doc's shoulder. "His flight logs all indicate he barely knows how to set the auto-pilot!" While Doc gave Chi a look, Dex was snickering.
"I know I really shouldn't be one to point and laugh but... Kai did better than that with zero training! And she's a reckless driver!" he said. Doc turned his Look on the snickering Dex, giving the impression that he was pouting.
"Dex~!" Kai whined. Her brother waved her off and turned to the rest of the Crew.
"Pack your bags, stow your ammo, and say goodbye to your bases. Engines hot in ten," he said. No-one moved. "Move it, people!" Dex yelled, waving his arms at them. With a jerk, the Crew burst into motion. "These guys," Dex muttered, shaking his head.
"You are attempting to deceive yourself. Why?" Gary asked even though he refrained from generating a hologram.
"So now you're acting as an internal lie detector?" Dex asked him.
"I am the fragment of deceit," Gary pointed out, causing his host to roll his eyes.
"I know that, Gary. Personally, I'm just glad you stopped with the knock-knock jokes."
"Yes. I believe they were growing old."
"Who's lying now?" Dex thought with a hidden smirk as he continued to pack his weapons.
"Sarcasm. I do not believe I like it," Gary remarked before fading into background noise. Dex chuckled and moved on to ammo.
/*/
Doc wasn't sure what made him offer his ship to the BGC, though he had a feeling Chi had something to do with it. The A.I. seemed to have something of a soft spot for the colorful group. Banished to the back seat of his own ship, Doc watched the motley crew. There was still a clear color division, but Kai seemed to be the bridge between the two teams. Another thing he noticed was the changed dynamics of Red Team. When he'd first met them, Grif had been regarded with distaste, if not flat out hate. Sure he could understand soldiers being upset with someone forgetting to bring extra ammunition to a battle, but there was underlying meanness. At least from the Sargent. Now, even the Sargent was listening to Grif! Of course, Grif being Agent Orange made it a bit more understandable but... all of Red Team was a part of Project Red! "Staring is rude ya know," the main focus of his confusion remarked as he sat down beside Doc.
"I'm just... a little confused. When I met you guys..."
"Ah," Dex said, cutting the medic off. "The dynamic is throwing you off huh? Don't worry, you'll get used to it." Doc sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"HA! He'll need more than your reassurance to get over this one!" Chi said, popping up. Dex gave him a Look.
"You... are something else entirely, ya know that?" he told the A.I. "Four months we had you. Four months we tried to get you to talk. Four months you've been unresponsive and then in comes Doc and suddenly you're Chatty Chris. What gives man?" Chi chuckled, crossing his arms and leaning against Doc's neck.
"I like this guy. He's normal," he told Dex. Rick barked a laugh.
"Normal! What do you know about normal, Church?! Besides," he said, coming over to sling an arm over the medic's shoulder, "this guy is as cracked as we are! He's just better at hiding it." Chi appeared to consider that... then shrugged and managed to grin through his simulated helmet.
"Well then, I like his very special brand of crazy," the A.I. said. Doc moaned, helmet dropping into his gauntlets.
"Would you two please stop talking like I'm not here? Please?" That was when one of the chips Rick was carrying activated and a maroon hologram appeared.
"It would appear that Medical Officer DeFre..." he began before Rick pulled off a rather effective glare.
"Cut the formal lingo and just call him Doc," the hacker deadpanned.
"Very well. I think Doc has developed a complex," the A.I. informed the Pelican.
"Over what?" Rick asked.
"Simple. Being ignored, forgotten, or abandoned," came the calm answer.
"Okay, I get that all these Freelancer A.I. are fragments of the Alpha but... dude... I thought you were only allowed one red," Tucker said. Church shook his head.
"Marley had multiple Blues, a few Greens, and far more Reds than I care to consider," he said. "Maroon is far from impossible. So, what do you represent?"
"Would you believe Compassion?" the A.I. asked. Multiple heads canted at that.
"Maybe... but then again..." Tucker said.
"When did the Director ever have Compassion?" Rick asked.
"Well, that's what I am. The Alpha's Compassion," the maroon hologram said with a shrug. "Or maybe it was Empathy?"
"Eh, whatever it is, welcome aboard. Now, would you kindly tell me why you've chosen to activate?" Rick said, ending the pointless debate and causing most of the occupants of the Pelican to shudder at his coldly polite tone.
"Certainly. I have been watching you, learning from you, and I have decided that I would like to be useful again. Thus, I chose the Agent most suited to make proper use of my functions," the A.I. said.
"Right. And who would that be?" Rick asked.
"You, Agent Maroon."
"Your designation?" Rick asked.
"Lambda," the A.I. replied. The Agent nodded and inserted the chip into his helmet. The hologram flickered for a moment before solidifying. "This is odd," Lambda said, quickly adjusting to being in contact with another mind. Rick snorted, having a bit more trouble adjusting himself to the feeling of another mind against his.
"You're telling me. It's like an itch in the back of your brain," he said. Doc snorted.
"A fairly accurate description," he muttered. Dex sighed.
"Can we all just pipe down and enjoy the flight? Please?" he asked. The Pelican fell into somber silence as the severity of... oh who am I kidding? No-one paid any attention to Dex's request and spent the whole of the flight arguing about what Lambda's nickname was going to be while Church and Eagle had a separate conversation about whether or not the other A.I. might, for lack of a better term, evolve due to being paired with a human and given an example by the aforementioned Church.
/*/
"The base is empty," North said.
"Thank~ you, Captain Obvious!" snapped Washington.
"Hey, guys?"
"Since when were you Carolina?"
"Guys?"
"I am not Carolina!"
"Oi."
"Really? Maybe you're channeling her."
"I'm not channeling her!"
"You-who!"
"You sure? Because you're acting a lot like her right now."
"Shut up and listen to me!" The two bickering Agents turned to a glowering, at least they thought she was glowering, Oregon. "Thank you. I might know where they went." North and Washington continued to stare at her while York sighed and Florida shook his head.
"Your dreams?" he asked.
"Better," she said, pointing to the base camera. "Security footage."
"Isn't that just visual?" York asked.
"How's that going to help? They never take their helmets off!" North declared. Oregon gave them a bewildered look.
"Sure they do. Gotta eat don't they?"
"I've eaten with my helmet on," Washington remarked. York laughed.
"Oh-ho man! How could I forget! D's first prank. Ah~! I was so proud," he said. North snorted.
"Yeah, only after you figured out it was a prank," he said.
"Oh get over yourselves!" Oregon groaned. "Two of the best Freelancers in the galaxy and you're arguing about pranks!" she muttered, shaking her head. "They've taken Doc's Pelican to Sandtrap, hoping that the area will..."
"Will what?" Florida asked, mildly worried about what could have caused her to trail off like she had. Oregon swallowed heavily, her visor going clear so they could see her pale face.
"Will give them the proper mindset."
"Proper mindset?" Florida asked, seriously worried now. Oregon nodded.
"A soldier's 'us or them' mindset," she confirmed. "They went to Sandtrap... hoping to make it our tomb."
/*/
Rick sighed while Lambda, the A.I. who had for some odd reason known only to him attached himself to said Agent, regarded the assembled 'soldiers' with a feeling of detached amusement. "Okay, so we've agreed," Red said, looking around the Pelican. "Lambda's nickname is... Bob." Rick groaned and got a stronger feeling of amusement from the A.I.
"Bob?" he asked, having tuned out the argument after the third repetition of 'we are not calling him Dr. Phil!'
"Bob. Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue, and is much faster to yell than 'lambda,'" Red answered with a firm nod. Everyone else was silent, though whether or not that was because they agreed or had simply been out-argued was up for debate. Rick had zoned out, remember?
"I don't like it," Rick said, crossing his arms.
"I do," Lambda, now known as Bob, remarked.
"Larry," Dex called and Rick felt Lambda, who might be known as Larry, perk up. Maroon smirked.
"Better."
"It's just as long as Lambda!" Red protested.
"No, it's not. Larry is one syllable while Lambda is two. Larry is five letters while Lambda is six. Therefore, Larry is shorter than Lambda. Any other arguments? Oh yeah! And Larry is more common than Lambda, as well as keeping the first two letters. Again, any other arguments?" Dex said, overriding Red's protest. Rick whistled.
"And you said negotiation wasn't your strong suit," he remarked.
"We have arrived," Gary said, appearing in the middle of the passenger area. "Prepare for landing. Also, it is good to see you again, brothers."
"Hey Gary," Chi and Larry drawled together. Doc and Rick shared a look.
"Do you get the feeling they'd be fist-bumping if they could?" Rick asked.
"I'm not the only one. Huh, what a weird concept," the medic drawled. The Agent blinked.
"Wait... what?"
"Hey! That's my gag!" Kai protested just as the Pelican landed.
"We have touchdown, repeat, we have touchdown! Thank you for flying Air Grif now everyone grab your junk and get out," Dex called from the cockpit, already grabbing his main duffel and preparing to tromp out into the desert sands. The other Agents wasted no time grabbing their own duffel bags and vacating the ship. The Blues took a bit longer while Doc just sat there wondering if the world was ever going to make sense again... until Caboose's duffel caught him in the temple and he was reminded that for him, the world had made very little sense after the age of ten when it was tilted sideways by the departure of his parents. Not wanting to go down that particularly dark rabbit hole, the medic grabbed what he thought he might need and also left the ship he honestly had no clue how he'd obtained. Hooray for fuzzy logic and gaping plot holes! Wait... where were we? Oh right, setting up a base in Sandtrap. Of course, these were the Reds and Blues of Project Freelancer, even if they'd been given more military training. Not to mention the fact that they seemed to have an almost supernatural ability to make the impossible happen. Like bringing someone back from a bullet to the head with CPR. So, of course, just as they were getting ready for a truly epic and ultimately futile Last Stand, and yes the capital letters were needed, yet another A.I. decided to spontaneously active. This time... it was Epsilon. And being the ornery A.I. that he was, being a jumbled collection of memories linked to the Director and his big brother Alpha, Epsilon didn't choose a soldier to pair with. No. He possessed... a mongoose.
"Really?" Red asked, quirking and unseen eyebrow at the A.I. possessed vehicle.
"Yes. Now come on, I remembered something," the 'mongoose' droned, sounding almost exactly like Alpha.
"Well, you heard my somewhat unstable and mentally disturbed brother. Let's go," said A.I. declared, already jogging after the mongoose. Red shook his head.
"I'm following a mongoose possessed by an insane A.I. based off of a grief-stricken mad scientist," he muttered. Dex chuckled.
"Must be Tuesday!"
"Right... well. I'm not going to be able to say it possibly ever again so... Follow that Church!" Eagle declared, pointing after the two departing A.I. possessed mechanical constructs.
"Which one, the robot or the motorcycle?" Rick asked, already trudging off through the sand.
"Yes," Eagle said with a nod, headed for a jeep. Noticing Eagle's focus, Dex grinned and dashed ahead.
"You may be indulging in your fascination with The Pronoun Game, but you pointed me toward this piece of hardware, so I'll let it slide," the man, who really had far too many 'specialties' to be normal, said as he cranked up the miraculously operational Warthog. "Alright people! Fall in and let's follow those Churches!"
/*/
Epsilon was as confused as an A.I. could get. He had thought he killed himself, unfortunately driving his then-host Agent Washington insane with the backlash. Then he heard Washington talking with another about... something. He was too wrapped up in his thoughts of 'what the heck?' to understand much of what their flapping gums were saying. Then, he was being dragged through the compound with people screaming and the two Agents, they had to be agents right, arguing before the woman thrust him into someone's arms and...
Point was, he was 'alive' when he thought he was supposed to be 'dead' and that wasn't right. So, he had spent the next couple of months coming to terms with that. A new constant in his 'life' was a man. He seemed to want to 'reactivate' Epsilon but didn't want to force it. Soft words and gentle coaxing had Epsilon paying more attention to the 'outside world' but there was no reason to show himself.
Then the Civil War broke out and his brothers(?) started popping up and his memories calmed down to the point where he could actually process them. He didn't want another host Agent, so when an empty Mongoose showed up, he took it. "Really?" the red Agent(wasn't his name Red?) asked.
"Yes. Now come on, I remembered something," Epsilon replied as he drove off. It wasn't just that he remembered. No. It was more an... an itch. Something that he just had to investigate, to see. And a name. A woman's name, echoing with sorrow, that drove him on. Allison.
"So... can I get a ride?" a voice that sounded much like his own asked. It was the robot, Church.
"Why are you familiar?" Epsilon asked.
"I'm Alpha Church of Blue Team. You could say I'm your... hum. Would it be 'father' or 'brother' if you were made from a fragmented portion of my code?" Church answered. Epsilon's code faltered, the equivalent of a blink.
"You're... the Alpha?" he asked, fragments of memories he wasn't sure were his, the Director's, or Washington's flashing through what passed as his mind.
"Yeah. So, about that ride?" Alpha replied.
"No." Alpha scoffed, a rather human sound coming from a robot.
"Stingy."
"I'm not stingy!"
"Yes, you are. You're a mongoose! Come on, we can go faster that way~!"
"Still no."
"Man. The guys were right, I am a jerk! Huh, gonna have to work on that." Epsilon fell into a sulk before the sound of yelling, which nearly drowned out the sound of two engines, caught his attention.
"What the?" he asked. Alpha chuckled.
"Dex must be driving," he remarked. Epsilon was fairly sure that had he been capable of it, Alpha would have been grinning.
"I think I might have underestimated how crazy these idiots are," Epsilon muttered. Alpha laughed outright at that.
"Yeah, they have a habit of hiding just how messed up they are until you really need them for something. And even then, they can still surprise you," the older A.I. remarked brightly.
"You know you're back in range, right?" Rick's dry voice remarked in Alpha's ear. The 'possessed' vehicle beside him twitched before quickly correcting its path.
"Oh. I know," Alpha chirped back.
"I should cut you off, Church. Maybe even run you over. It'd be easy. Just o~n~e~ little twitch of the wheel and wham! Bye, Bye Churchie~!" Dex sang. Metaphysical shivers ran down the metaphorical backs of the A.I.
"Please, for the love of Krispy Kreme, don't ever talk like that again," Alpha asked.
"Seconded," Epsilon agreed.
"Heh. Twofer," Eagle chuckled.
"I couldn't agree more, my good Eagle," Dex replied. Alpha groaned.
"I don't need to listen to this," he groaned, then proceeded to use his A.I. magic(remember, it's just science we can't explain~!) to block transmissions from any outside source.
Excluding his fellow A.I.
But including Gary.
Fragging Gary...
/*/
Her eye twitched.
The men(boys) looked around.
"It's empty."
Another twitch.
"Thank~ you, Captain Obvious!" snapped Wash.
"Hey, guys?"
"Since when were you Carolina?"
"Guys?"
"I am not Carolina!"
"Oi."
"Really? Maybe you're channeling her."
"I'm not channeling her!"
"You-who!"
"You sure? Because you're acting a lot like her right now."
"OI! BROKEN RECORDS! SHUT UP!" Flowdie finally bellowed, glaring at Agents North Dakota and Washington. "Honestly, we did this whole bit at the last base. There is absolutely no reason for you to rehash it now!"
"Thank you, Florida," Marley said in her terrifyingly calm voice. The men all made sure to keep her scalpel hand in sight. "Now, there are two sets of tires tracks and the prints of a single pair of boots headed that-a-way. Onwards and upwards, my friends!"
/*/
"My reference sense is tingling," Chi randomly piped up as the BGC plus Doc walked through what looked like a nature-reclaimed base. Doc gave him a sideways look.
"Really?" he asked, halfway curious.
"Yeah. What, you don't have one of those?" Chi responded.
"Hey, shut up would ya? I'm trying to focus here," Alpha Church said, examining a wall.
"Dude, it's a wall," Eagle drawled, as eloquent as always.
"It's a really great wall," Caboose stated in his usual 'I'm-trying-to-be-nice-and-understanding-but-I-haven't-got-a-clue-what's-going-on' way.
"Hello. This is a private facility. Visitors are not welcome. Please leave immediately or we will be forced to take lethal measures to ensure the safety of our property," an eerily familiar voice said from behind them. Everyone turned to see a computer screen in the large tree.
'It's a tree,' Epsilon thought. 'A talking tree!'
"That is great," Caboose offered.
"You have thirty seconds to comply or die. Have a nice day!" the talking tree told the gathered soldiers.
"Sheila? Is that you?" Caboose asked. Alpha snorted.
"Yes, Caboose. The lady in the tree is the same lady who was in our tank, who got left at Blood Gulch. And possibly got blown up. Again," he said.
"Oh my, the Director. I am so sorry, I did not recognize you, Sir. It has been such a long times since you have visited. You look very different," the Tree said, stopping what looked like a countdown. Alpha chuckled wryly.
"Yeah, that happens when you copy your brainwaves into a computer matrix and then set the resultant A.I. loose on the world," he remarked. The Tree did not seem to catch his sarcasm.
"How may I assist you today?" she asked.
"Sheila~! Come back to me~! I made you a muffin~!" Caboose lamented.
"Who?" the Tree asked.
"Sheila, our old training A.I. Yeah, Caboose here isn't the sharpest tool in the shed so he fell in love with the first 'female' to be nice to him. Ignoring him, would you open the door for us?" Alpha asked. "And introduce yourself while you're at it would you?"
"Ignoring Caboose. Of course Director," the Tree said, the wall in front of them splitting and moving aside, proving itself to be a hidden door. "I am the Freelancer Integrated Logistics and Security System. You may call me Phyllis. It is a pleasure to meet you. Please watch your step."
"Kinda spooky in there," Caboose commented. Dex snorted and turned to Alpha.
"Phyllis listens to you, Church. Ask for some lights. Maybe a guided tour," he said. Picking up on the new arrivals, Phyllis decided to be a good hostess and say,
"Director, since you have new visitors with you today, would you like me to run the tutorial program?" Caboose nodded violently.
"Yes, always run that. No seriously, you need to run that. No it's... really you need to, you need to turn that," he babbled before Red growled and hit him over the head with Eagle's A.I. Whacking ThingTM. Honestly, they couldn't tell if it was a training rifle, part of a busted Warthog, a metal stick, or a cudgel by this point. All they knew was that it was metal and made Church react with pain.
"Thank you, Red," Church sighed. If he'd been human, he would have been rubbing his temples. "Phyllis, please run the tutorial program."
"Oh, thank..." Caboose sighed before Red Whacked him again. A chime sounded and Phyllis began a running commentary as the group ventured into the shadowy Freelancer facility.
"Hello, and welcome to the Freelancer Off-Site Storage Facility. Project Freelancer is a state of the art scientific endeavor with one goal in mind: to ensure the security of humanity in a harsh and violent Galaxy. This bunker has been constructed to guarantee the continued operation of our program, in the event of a primary facility loss," she said.
"Like what we did to Command," Rick said with a grin. The others; minus Epsilon, Tucker, and Caboose, snickered.
"This storage area archives all the components of our Freelancer simulation bases. These outposts test our agents in realistic training scenarios," Phyllis continued as they walked into the Gadgets-R-Us for Red/Blue Base.
"Yeah, we're on the Blue Team!" Caboose said happily, throwing an arm around Church and the other around Tucker.
"I am sorry, I do not recognize that term. Our simulation outposts are categorized into [Red] and [entry missing]. Hmm, it seems as though I have a corrupted database. I will correct that when I have more time," Phyllis remarked.
"Uh eh- there's our old stuff! And there's a teleporter! Man, Tucker hates those," Caboose said, apparently missing what Phyllis had said.
"Oi! Don't speak for me!" Tucker said.
"Don't interrupt. Come on. This way," Epsilon said, rolling on. Somewhere in the back of their consciences the soldiers and A.I. they wondered why Phyllis hadn't said anything about the mongoose rolling through the facility. Shrugging and really having nothing better to do, the others followed.
"When the equipment is not being used, it is stored here until it can be re-purposed for... oh. I guess we are moving on," Phyllis remarked, noticing that the guests weren't sticking around for the whole spiel.
"Well, what's this?" Caboose asked as they came to a stop in front of a large door at the end of a hallway.
"I am sorry, this area is restricted. Only the Director himself may access this entry. I am sure you understand. Te nature of our experiments is such that..." Phyllis said, trying to hold the rest back. Epsilon was having none of that.
"Open it," he growled. Phyllis faltered, hearing two Directors.
"Yes, please open it up, Phyllis," Alpha added, a little curious about what was behind the door.
"Are you..."
"OPEN IT!" Epsilon and Alpha yelled together.
"Alright. Unlocking," Phyllis said after a beat. "Would you like me to archive your... personal project?"
"Let's see everything," the Churches said, all together and all quite curious as to what Epsilon had remembered. Too bad they forgot about what happened to that poor cat...
/*/
"Are you sure about this?" Wash asked warily.
"Yes," Flowdie said.
"But this is... !" Jack tried to protest.
"I. Am. Sure," Marley growled.
"The Hornets... !" Ed began.
"I said, I'm sure," Marley said, cutting him off with a glare.
"This is madness!" Wash declared.
"Madness? This is Oregon!" Flowdie said.
"Exactly," the other three deadpanned. Marley sighed.
"You're all so mean~!" she complained, driving ahead with her plan.
"... We're either going to totally terrify and dominate the BGC in a totally awesome way... or die horribly," Jack decided, getting dragged along on the plan. Marley smirked. Things were going according to plan. The A.I. were on the move, the UNSC was on their trail rather than the ex-Freelancers, and she was taking care of a trouble spot on the way. Of course, the others thought they were still fighting the BGC. Ah~! Such unobservant idiots! She'd played them like she'd planned to play the BGC... before they wormed their way into her heart like those crazy friends you just couldn't get rid of.
/*/
The BGC didn't know what they were expecting to be behind the door. This... wasn't it. "Ya know, I'm not even surprised," Rick drawled, entirely unimpressed.
"Church-bots. Why did it have to be Church-bots?" Dex asked.
"Reference Sense! My Reference Sense is tingling!" Chi piped up. Doc mentally forced him back into storage, surprising the little A.I., and continued to stare at the sea of blue armored robots.
"It's... THE BLUE ARMY!" Red bellowed.
"Oh my gosh! Look at all the yous! You're everywhere! Why this is like a Best Friend Store, and this is the greatest store ever! You can have your body back! Now which one to you want? I wanna buy one," Caboose remarked, talking to Epsilon, who was still a Mongoose.
"That's not what I'm looking for," Epsilon said, rolling forward toward a human sized cryo chamber. "I'm looking... for this," he said. To a man and woman, the BGC paled.
"Oh," Caboose said softly.
"Who is that?" Doc asked.
"Someone who should not be woken up," Alpha said, shaking his head.
/*/
A/N: Semi-cliffhanger! But ya'll know what's in the chamber anyway so... yeah. Next up: Tex Fight, Revelations, Pelican Crash Course, and of course Phantom Reconciliation! Well... maybe. Don't know if it'll all be one Episode.