Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs Blue.
A/N: Shout out to Freerunner4427! You weren't wrong... but you were only part right. Originally this was going to be Caboose centric but then... it morphed. How you enjoy it!
Warning: This is focused on the general insanity that is the Reds and Blues. Like, more so than usual.
Episode 55: Obfuscating... Oh Wait, He's Just That Stupid
Everyone knew the Blood Gulchers were insane. This was accepted fact. Still, there were times the Phantoms thought the Troopers were just trying to throw others off guard. Like when Eagle knew exactly what had happened with Church and Lopez or when Caboose came up with a plan to infiltrate Command. And then there were those moments that reminded them... these guys were the bottom of the barrel and it was a miracle they were still alive, let alone the team who took down several top tier Freelancers. "Do I want to know?" Butch Flowers, also known as Flowdie or Agent Hippie, asked warily when he walked into Blue Team's kitchen to see Caboose's head stuck in the freezer.
"Flowdie... not even we know," Al told him seriously. Steel walked in, saw Caboose's head in the freezer, and turned to Flowdie.
"How did he do that?" Steel asked, pointing toward the aforementioned Private. Flowdie shook his head and turned to walk out the door.
"Ya know what... this is on you guys," the Phantom declared. "Pull him out of there and meet in the yard. Training starts in twenty."
"Yeah, sure," Al said, waving the man out while turning to regard the stuck Private. "Man, how do you do this to yourself, Caboose?" Flowdie heard the smart A.I. mutter as he made his way out the door, dragging Steel with him.
"What just happened?" the youngest Phantom asked.
"Don't dwell on it," Flowdie told him. "Al will have Blue Team out here in twenty minutes." Steel sighed and slumped, wondering how this had become his life.
/*/
Ed stared. Eagle ignored him and continued pouring neon orange glitter into a rather large mixing bowl filled with lock-down paint solution. "Is that how you make it stick so well?" he finally asked the sniper.
"Not always," the burgundy armored man said easily, pulling a bottle of glitter glue from seemingly nowhere and tossing it at the more experienced sniper. "Alternative measure." Ed blinked and stared at the happily grinning cow on the label.
"This... is Elmer's," the Phantom remarked, stunned.
"Yep," Eagle said, now loading Brute Shot rounds with the lock-down-paint-glitter concoction.
"How on earth does this mess with our sensors so bad?! And why is it so hard to get rid of?"
"Dunno, but it worked. Had Dex complaining for weeks," Eagle said, sounding far too smug for the situation. Ed stared at him for a moment before waking out, shaking his head.
"You really are insane," the man muttered, missing how Eagle grinned at his back, capping the glitter bomb in his hand.
/*/
Niner couldn't understand the BGC. One moment Red seemed to hate Dex's guts...
"Shut yer mouth 'fore I fill it with lead, Dirtbag!"
"Oh yeah?! Well excuse me for having my own thoughts!"
... and the next he's following the weapons expert's orders.
"RED! Take the right flank!"
"Roger that!"
Eagle was treated like an innocent little brother for the most part...
"You're too far forward. Put more weight on your back leg."
"Thanks Rick."
... and then he pulled out a grenade or his rifle and everyone hit the dirt, yelling at him not to do anything crazy.
"Whoa!"
"Easy! We don't want casualties!"
"Aim at Blue Base!"
"Hurt my sister and I'll bury you so deep it'll take an archaeological dig to find your twisted remains."
"Don't unleash the Orange Destroyer!"
"DUDE! WHEN DID YOU GET OVER HERE?!"
"WHY ARE WE YELLING?!"
Lopez would be speaking perfectly understandable English...
"And then you twist it a half turn to the right."
"Why don't they teach it like this in Basic?"
... and then something would set him off, his voice chip would crackle, and he'd start ranting in monotone Spanish and pull out a wrench looking for all the world like all he wanted to do was brain someone with the tool. Which was a fairly impressive expression, seeing as he was literally an animated suit of armor.
*FFFIIZZZZZTTT * "Lopez?"
"Esos idiotas no saben nada sobre cómo tratar las máquinas. ¿Sabes cuántas veces he tenido que volver y volver a hacer los trabajos de parche de Red? El hombre es un completo imbécil. Y no me hagas comenzar con sus inventos."
"... Ah... I don't speak Spanish."
"... Merda."
"Okay, that one I understood."
Rick was the cool, collected one who could program anything and was a dab hand at mechanics...
"How did you manage to set this up?"
"We had a few spare wires, more than enough guns, a couple motors, and a decent computer. It wasn't all that hard."
"... You do realize you pulled an Ironman with those bits and bobs, right?"
"Flattery will get you no-where..."
... but then there would be moments when he started ranting...
"I learned that the hard way with Red."
"Eh?"
"The psychopath. I looked up to him! I took notes! He was going to teach me how to be a leader! And then he constantly tore me down! He abused me! And Dex! Oh~! Don't get me started on him! If he was such a great leader, why did he act like a slovenly mess?! Would it have killed him to keep his side of the room clean? Ten minutes! If that! Just ten minutes to make your bed and pick up your clothes. Is that too much to ask? Ten minutes to sweep and mop the living room. Ten minutes to sweep and mop the ramps. Twenty minutes to wax the warthog. Seriously! It's not that hard! And I don't ask for them to do it all by themselves! Just, ya know, help out! But no. Not even Eagle will help without orders to do so! Explicit orders! And then, when I actually have input on one of Sarge's harebrained ideas, he calls me insubordinate! And the inventions! Good Lord, the inventions! Anyone ever tell you about the robot and the ten megaton bomb? What about the weather control device that ran off of D batteries? The one he built into Lopez? Heh. Heh heh. Hahahaha! Yeah, that was a mess and a half. And it wasn't. The. Worst. Oh no! That was just the last straw. The last, Master Chief dratted, straw! We could have splurged. It would have been such a tactical advantage. We could have summoned cloud cover, a breeze... do you have any idea how sweltering hot Blood Gulch was? It was hot! I nearly passed out from heat stroke ten times! In the first month!"
"..." *start to edge away slowly*
"UGH! The crazy psychopathic Sergeant even had the gall to consider turning me into a cyborg. As if that would make me a better mechanic! Would it? NO! If anything, it would probably make me worse! Darn psychopathic Sergeant. Why can I never have a normal Sergeant?"
"I'm not a psychopath!"
"I ought'a fill yer insubordinate mouth with lead!"
"Ugh. Withdrawn. Have at 'em."
"Where did Rick get the monkey wrench?"
"It's your fault I lost the last dregs of my sanity you psychopathic, deep fried, Southern, blood crazed, jarhead idiot!"
"Oh hey... Nope."
"Seconded!"
… and no-one really enjoyed when Rick got started on a rant. It usually resulted in damages and a big mess of scattered... everything.
And that was just the Reds!
Al seemed like a sensible A.I. for the most part...
"And that should have you patched into UNSC communications lines with no-one the wiser. You're welcome."
... but then he'd come up with these insane plans that shouldn't work but did.
"How on earth did you get Dex through the caves? He hates caves!"
"I told him Kai was waiting for him at the other end. With Tucker. He couldn't run fast enough."
...&...
"Caboose hates needles! How did you get him to take his shots?!"
"It's amazing what he'll do when promised cookies and orange juice."
Tucker seemed normal as well. In fact, he might have been the most sane person on Blue Team...
"Well done. You're pretty good with that sword of yours."
"I've had to be."
"What does that mean?"
"I... don't like talking about it. I'm sure you understand."
... and then he'd do something inexplicably odd. Like that time he'd burst out laughing for no apparent reason.
"Oi, you got any mayonnaise in this dump?"
*Tucker went very still... then began to chuckle. * "Mayo?" *He broke into full on cackles. Mad cackles. Al shook his head with a groan. *
"We have a lot of mayonnaise, Mr. Jackman! Because crock-pots are stupid. Who wants a crock-pot when they can have a mystery box?"
"Mystery... box?"
"Yes! The lady on the phone was very nice. She sent someone to switch them out! And then we had mayonnaise!"
"Remind me to cancel our long distance plan."
"But then I wouldn't be able to talk to those nice eight-hundred ladies! And then we wouldn't be able to have nice things!"
"Eight-hundred ladies?"
"You actually call those eight-hundred numbers you see on TV?"
"They are nice people! Not like you. Stupid Tucker."
"I am so canceling our long distance plan."
"Do that and I use your body for target practice."
"DUDE!"
"Junior."
"... Fine. There has to be some way I can keep this idiot from calling eight-hundred numbers."
Seriously, what was that about? And how could an A.I. like Al have such horrible aim?
"That was literally two feet in front of you. How did you miss?!"
"Huh. So that targeting error didn't get fixed after our raid on Command. I'll have to talk to Rick about that."
"This has happened before?!"
"It's a persisting issue."
How did Eagle's twisted piece of metal actually effect Al?
"OW! Would you stop hitting me?!"
"I would if you'd start behaving like a proper sniper. Again."
"I'm done." *THWACK * "OW! What was that for?!"
"Too slow. Again."
What was wrong with Kai?
"And then there was that time..."
"STOP! Kai! What have I told you about embarrassing the family?! Besides, that's the past and you're not going to do things like that any more. Right?"
"Chyeah. Right."
"Right?!"
"Ugh. Yes."
"Good. Now go clean your room."
"How do you..."
"I'm your big brother. It's my job. Go. Room. Clean. Now!"
"Ugh, fine!"
How did Doc get a medical license?
"AS YOU ARE NOW, YOU ARE AN INSULT TO THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY! I SHOULDN'T EVEN LET YOU LOOK AT MUCH LESS TOUCH MY MEDICAL SUPPLIES!"
"I'm trying!"
"I KNOW! AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO FRUSTRATING! YOU'RE TRYING AND I CAN'T DROP KICK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK LIKE I WANT TO BECAUSE OF IT! NOW RECITE THE EFFECTS AND POSSIBLE REACTIONS OF AMOXICILLEN!"
How did any of them make it past childhood?!
"He drank gasoline."
"You told me it was lemonade!"
"And you believed him?"
"They also told me there was ice cream!"
"Again, you believed him?!"
...&...
"Well, there was this time at camp..."
"We do not speak of camp."
"What about that time Max *MUMPH!*"
"S~H~U~S~H~! What happens at camp, stays at camp."
...&...
"Wasn't a whole lot to do on the farm."
"Where are you from?!"
"Iowa. My dad's family owned a cattle farm. We even grew our own hay. I hated that old baler."
"Old baler?"
"Yeah. Thing was an antique but dad still used it. Thing nearly took a few fingers every time we turned it on."
"Why didn't they replace it?"
"They did."
"Then... ?"
"After it blew up and nearly took my head off."
"Oh..."
"Umm."
...&...
"Shut up, you're not my dad!"
"He's the closest I've ever had."
"What?"
"Yeah.. My parents abandoned me when I was ten."
"Dude..."
"I lost the house within a week. Lousy creditors."
"Uh... Doc?"
"Hey, are those cookies?"
"Uh... yeah. Eagle's on a... A~nd he's gone."
...&...
"WHOO! That was wild!"
"You kidding? That was mild compared to what my friends and I used to get up to in middle school."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Man, we had so much fun."
"... I feel like I should be worried."
...&...
"This is nothing you little sissies! I was jumping trains and mixing Molotov cocktails at seven!"
"I should be surprised... but I'm not."
"Now get back to work!"
"How do trains and Molotov cocktails apply to running an obstacle course?"
"Shut up and run. Maybe he'll stop talking."
...&...
"Man, Red's harsh."
"I'm used to it."
"That's... not actually reassuring, Rick."
"In fact, everyone at my high school was worse. Thought about killing myself a few times."
"DUDE! That is not okay!"
"I'm over it."
"THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU JUST GET OVER!"
"Seriously, I'm over it. Can we move on now? Before Red decides to regal us with more train hopping escapades?"
Really, it boggled the mind that the Reds and Blues had lasted this long. And these guys weren't just idiots out in the canyon, no! They were idiots in the bases and in the caverns! Honestly, Dex could handle bats no problem, they didn't pose a threat to him, so why was he so afraid of them?
Truly, Niner had no clue how these guys had survived. Part of her thought that they were playing it up, intentionally making it so people would underestimate them; obfuscating stupidity was the term, right? And then they'd do something incredibly stupid and genuinely see no problem with it and Niner would be right back where she started, wondering how they had survived so long and been so successful.
"One day, people are going to look at what you lot have done from a historical standpoint and marvel at a rag-tag group overcoming such odds and they're going to build up this image of you guys that fits their perception of soldiers and heroes. When that day comes, I sure hope they never meet you lot in real life, or get a hold of any security footage of you, because that would kill any respect they might have for you and shatter their world views," Niner finally said. Dex laughed and threw a heavy arm around her shoulders.
"Niner, that's exactly why we're so effective!" he said. "We have a reputation that's built on accident, we subvert all expectations, shatter worldviews, and then clumsily beat our opponents with the shards of the reality they'd held so dear."
It really said a lot that Niner believed every word from the man's mouth with every fiber of her being.
/?/
A/N: I... had an idea... and then it turned into this. Take it how you will. Up next: Where They Split.
A/N 2: Edited and re-uploaded 9/30/2019.