Disclaimer: I don't own RvB.
Episode 58: Freelancer did What?!
It had been a full day of paintball domination (by the Reds, as amazing as that was) and everyone just wanted to relax. "Please, can we have a story?" Kai asked, still aching from how many times she got hit with glitter rounds. Marley nodded and Ed started to cackle.
"Oh, I've got a good one!" he said. The others turned to him with questioning expressions. "Remember that time I pranked Wash, Jack?" The green accented Phantom shook his head.
"Ed... you do remember what he did to you in return... right?"
"Oh yeah," Ed said, trailing off as he remembered the incidents... before he began laughing madly. "And then that set off those incidents. Remember?"
"I'm lost," Dex remarked, looking between the two.
"I think... I think they're saying they set off a Freelancer Prank War," Marley said in what might have been awe.
"Oh, that's exactly what happened," Steel said. "And I'm proud of my part in it... even if I got schooled more than once, it was so worth it." Dex smiled. Slowly. With lots of teeth.
"Ooooohh~! Do tell~!" he encouraged, voice low and rumbling while his half lidded eyes nearly glowed with glee.
"Well, ya see, it was Wash's birthday..." Ed began with an answering grin.
/*/
It was April First. It was Agent Washington's birthday, according to his medical records. Don't ask why Agent New York was looking through Agent Washington's medical records, the answer is irrelevant and not nearly amusing enough for your trouble. Plus it changes every time someone asks. Anyway, York had discovered that the little brother of Freelancer shared his birthday with April Fool's Day. This was an opportunity he could not pass up. So, he gathered up all the boxes, wrapping paper, confetti, ribbons, and tape he could get his hands on, along with a spring, and began assembling Wash's 'gift.' First, he glued the spring to the bottom of the smallest box, then realized that in order for it to do what he wanted, it would need a platform and a trigger of some sort. "Good thing I have ribbon~!" he sang to himself before putting his master plan into action. It took him nearly two hours to finish assembling his 'gift' and another half hour to arrange for a little surprise courtesy of South. In the end, he was surprised by how easy it had been. Who knew that hot tempered witch had a fondness for shaved ice?
/*/
Wash was used to people treating his birthday like a joke. Came with being an April Fool's Baby. Yes, it's a curse, but we're getting off topic. Anyway, he was hoping no-one had discovered his real birthday and were fooled by the fake records he'd planted and his straight up lies. Then in walked York with a massive box. Wash half thought he'd stolen an ammo crate and wrapped it up the box was so huge. York walked up to Wash and dropped the simply massive box in front of him with a cheerful,
"Happy Birthday, Wash!" Of course Wash moaned, knowing it was going to be a joke, but the 'Infiltration Specialist' was bouncing and he just looked so happy with himself... Wash decided to humor him.
/*/
"Wait wait wait... you knew?!" Ed yelped, staring at Steel with wide eyes. The sandy haired Phantom smirked and sat back, rather proud of himself.
"Told ya, I'm used to people taking advantage of when my birthday is," he said. "Of course I knew. Honestly, I'm curious as to how Carolina could possibly keep turning you down. You're like an excited, mischievous, tan armored puppy." Ed glared.
"Too soon man, too soon," he growled. Steel threw up his hands in apology.
"Alright, I get it. Can I continue my story?"
"Please~!" Dex purred.
/*/
Despite knowing it was a trick, Wash unwrapped the box, surprised to find it was made of cardboard and not, in fact, an ammo crate. He opened it and found... another box. 'Ah. Of course. The classic Nesting Boxes. Well, he put so much effort into this, least I can do is open them all,' he thought and dutifully pulled the box out. As Wash had thought, there was another wrapped box inside. Layer after layer he unwrapped, grudgingly impressed with how many York had wrapped and then stacked. Eventually, after the twentieth box, he pulled out what he knew had to be the last one. York was giggling. He slit the top of the paper with his combat knife, just like he'd done for the last ten boxes, and out shot what had to be two pounds of confetti. Wash was rather glad he'd been wearing his helmet as it protected his eyes and mouth from the paper pieces. Looking inside on the off chance there was an actual gift buried at the bottom, all Wash saw was a quivering piece of cardboard at the end of a spring. "Ha ha, very funny," he grumbled. He could have sworn York pouted at his lack of reaction. The sniper/lockpick hadn't expected Wash to take off his helmet, brush a few pieces of confetti off the visor, then look him straight in the eye and declare, "You know, of course, that this means war." That got York a little nervous. Would a Nesting Confetti Launcher really net him war? Apparently, it did.
Wash put neon pink hair dye in his shampoo.
/*/
Dex nearly fell out of his chair he laughed so hard. "Ho man! Tell me that wasn't the end of it!" he demanded, a near manic gleam in his eyes. Kai stared at her brother. She'd known he'd changed since joining the army but this...
"Oh, it most certainly wasn't," Ed answered, grinning and wholly unrepentant. "I put glitter in his sheets." Jack scoffed.
"No, you tried to put glitter in his sheets. You got me instead," the sniper said. Ed blinked.
"Is that why I kept getting pelted with peas?" he asked. Eagle chuckled and Rick shook his head.
"And I thought our guys were crazy," he muttered. Dex laughed again, hauling himself fully back into his chair using Rick as leverage.
"We are," he said. "But consider this: we started as an offshoot of Freelancer!" Rick's eyes went wide, then his face went pale. Finally, he couldn't take anymore and slammed his forehead onto the table, Dex laughing like the madman he was behind him.
"Why did you have to remind me~?" Rick moaned. Eagle snorted. "No, Franklin, that doesn't help."
"I'm lost. What doesn't help?" Niner asked.
"That it should be obvious we had ties to Freelancer considering the former Agents arraigned around the table and telling us about their prank war," Red answered.
"I'm still amazed at how easily you can understand him when he gets like that," Tucker remarked.
"Heh," Al grunted, his robotic body reclining as easily as a human's in his chair.
"Oh, don't you start too!" Tucker yelled, throwing a convenient rock at him. Of course, being an A.I in a robot, Al easily caught the rock and tossed it back with twice the force. Tucker dove out of the way with a yelp.
"Some of the most dangerously incompetent people in the universe..." Marley began before realizing what she was saying and shaking her head. "Of course they behave like children."
"Uh... should I continue with the story?"
"Please~!" Dex demanded.
/*/
What might have happened had York not have paid South to glue everything on Wash's desk not only to each other but to the desk itself, no-one knew and no-one really wanted to ask. Still, York knew he had to retaliate. The question was how. That was when he remembered the arts and crafts box that had arrived earlier that week. As well as the fact that Wash enjoyed high places. Not many knew that, but it was true. Even less well known were the reasons behind this enjoyment: he could see everyone near him and counter any attacks they might launch. However, North liked high places even more, being a sniper, and so Wash graciously let him have the top bunk in their shared room. York, knowing about Wash's hidden love of high places, assumed that the epitome of a Big Brother of the MoI, Agent North Dakota, would have given the 'rookie' the top bunk and so choose it as his target.
He choose wrong.
/*/
Dex and Marley grinned with twin sparks of manic glee in their eyes. "And thus begins the Freelancer Prank War~!" they sang. Tucker shivered.
"Anyone ever tell you it's creepy when you do that?" he asked. Rick shrugged while the Creepy Duo just continued to grin.
"You get used to it," he said with weary acceptance. Eagle chuckled, earning a glare from the tech. "Shut up, you're no better," Rick growled. Eagle held up his empty hands and gave his best roguish grin. The lanky tech expert was apparently immune to what charm the sniper had and promptly typed out an override code that caused the burgundy armor to turn on its internal heat source.
"Ah ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Eagle yelped, struggling to get the heated metal off his body. Rick smirked and let him suffer for a moment longer, watching as he hopped around like a demented energizer bunny, before relenting and deactivating his code.
"Let that serve as a reminder: never tick off the techie, especially if he has access to your armor. Ya never know what kinds of traps he could embed into your equipment, ready to be triggered at a moments notice," Marley told the gathered soldiers. Rick sat back with a self-satisfied smirk while Eagle slumped in relief as his armor regulated itself to a more bearable temperature. "And now, on with the story!"
/*/
That night, North got into bed fresh from the shower and felt something off. His sheets were itchy. Like, more than usual. So, naturally, he got up to see what it was and at least attempt to get it out of his sheets before it got into... uncomfortable places. When he saw shimmery flecks of various colors in his bed, he began to growl while red encroached on his vision. Now, Agent North Dakota was usually pretty easy going but, having grown up with a twin sister, he had a deep and abiding hatred of glitter. And that was most certainly glitter in his sheets. "Someone's going to pay," he snarled. Wash, having been woken up by the light and his roommates growls, got up with a wince.
"Yeah... I'm pretty sure that was York trying to get back at me. Sorry, North. Looks like you got caught in the crossfire," he said. North heard him. He just didn't. Care.
"Y~o~r~k~!" he rumbled, clenching his fist so hard his knuckles turned white. Wash said a quick prayer for York and decided he'd crash in the rec room. So far, that had been safe. Meanwhile, North sat down to plot.
/*/
"Can I just ask... how'd you arrive at pelting York with peas of all things?" Dex asked. Jack grinned.
"Ah~! Good question, Dex~! You see, it took a lot of thinking and I came up with some other ideas that I put on the back burner: tricking him into insulting Carolina, framing him for stealing Maine's favorite gun, pounding him into the training room floor myself, looking the other way for a moment on a mission, tell Tex he told me he let her off easy because she's a girl and watch her tear him apart with a bowl of popcorn..." Ed whimpered, staring at the sniper with wide eyes full of terror. Dex gaped.
"Dude... you're evil," he breathed. Jack grinned, showing all his teeth.
"I hate glitter with all the passion of a thousand suns," he declared. "And the fool made the mistake of putting it in my bed!I nearly slept in that atrocity!"
"Note to self: paint matches only," Eagle muttered, edging away from the seething Agent. North shook his head.
"Weird thing is, I can live with you and your glitter rounds. I can't explain it but they just... don't drive me to unutterable rage," he said. Eagle hummed, tilting his head at the older man curiously, like he was a puzzle the former simulation trooper was curious about but didn't feel like solving at the moment.
"Right... but how did you arrive at peas?" Dex asked, desperate to get things back on track.
"Ah, yes, peas. Well, I didn't want to kill him and most of my others plans would have come too close so I had to discard them. Eventually, I got hungry and raided the fridge. And then, I saw them. Three whole bags of frozen peas. It was destiny. So, I took them back to the room, fiddled with the cooler until it was cold enough, and stashed my makeshift ammo. All I needed then, was the right time to strike," Jack said with a shrug, as though it were the most logical course of action even and how could this orange simpleton not have seen the mad genius?
"Wait. Let me get this straight. You decided to pelt Ed with peas because of a snack run?!" Dex asked.
"Hum, sounds like something you'd do, Dex," Red drawled, giving him a significant look. It was returned with a blank stare.
"Don't. You. Dare," Dex stated, causing Red to turn back to the Strike Agents. Amused Strike Agents at that.
"You were sayin'?" he asked, totally not scared of the weapons expert he'd just put at his back.
/*/
Finally, it was the perfect time to strike. Meaning North had figured out how to load the frozen peas into his gun. Still the point was, York was going to taste North's wrath, never mind that he'd been 'aiming' for Wash. "Ow! What the?" the locksmith asked, putting a hand to the back of his head. Looking down, he spotted the cold, hard pea that had hit him. "Where'd that come from?" he wondered aloud, picking it up.
"Oi!" shouted Connie. "Where'd you find that?!" York shrugged.
"It was on the floor.. I think someone threw it at me? Or... maybe shot it?" he answered, just as confused as Connie was... though she looked about ready to go on a warpath.
"If you ever find out who did it, I've got some choice words for them! They stole all my frozen peas! Three whole bags! Do you know how hard it was to convince the Director to get them? I had to beg! For four weeks!" she raged.
/*/
"Connie certainly did love her peas," Steel muttered sadly. Marley just cackled and waved for the pair to continue their story.
"Well, unfortunately for me, after a week of shooting York with peas every chance I could find, Connie caught me in the act," Jack said was a shiver while Ed began to laugh like a madman.
"Yeah! She read him the riot act all the way down to the training room! Jack couldn't walk straight for a week!" he crowed. Jack kicked his chair in an attempt to unseat him.
"Yeah, and then she pranked my room. Unfortunately, that one hit Steel. He may have been the Baby Freelancer, and the worst on our team, but that just means he was the worst of the best. Not to mention he was, and still is if the raid on Freelancer Command was anything to go by, creative. He didn't get mad, per say. He got even. Or... tried to, at least. His prank caught Connie's roommate. South."
"Hey... that means I got her back for the desk prank!" Steel chirped happily, a wicked grin spreading across his face. Marley nodded.
"What goes around comes around," she stated. "So... what did you do?" Steel's grin turned down right predatory.
"First, I doused her in corn syrup. While she was stumbling around, trying to wipe it from her eyes, she triggered the second trip wire. An entire pillowcase full of craft feathers swung down, coating her entire front in brightly colored fluff. The third trip wire was triggered as she was spitting plastic from her mouth. Her back got covered in 'Kick Me' signs, with a few 'Let me Be your Target' thrown in for good measure," he said. "After that, I just had to play the 'Innocent Newbie' card. Wasn't hard to act shocked, I had honestly thought Connie would get it."
"Wait... what was Connie's prank?" Dex asked.
"Cellophane. Over everything," Jack said. "I came back to a growling Wash apparently ripping the room to shreds and tatters of cling wrap on my visor."
"And that wasn't all," Steel growled. "She put corn starch in the shower head." Everyone winced.
"I had to cut the oobleck out of his hair. He was pissed," Jack agreed. A collective shiver washed through the room.
"Man, that's vicious," Rick said. Eagle snorted, giving the tech a smirk. "Dude, I may mess with your cooling systems but oobleck in your hair? Nah man, that's next level."
"Yeah... things kind of spiraled out of control after that. It kind of became a free for all. Not even the Director was spared. Somehow, his office got plastered with printouts of his face. No-one would admit to it, but video footage of the Director's reaction somehow made it to all the Freelancers," Jack said. Marley nodded, grinning.
"Oh, yeah~! That had me cackling for days! You should have seen how scared the Valiant's crew were," she said. Flowdie shook his head at her.
"They were absolutely terrified of what you might do to them, Marley," he said. "You did notice that they all took great pains not to get injured beyond what they could treat themselves, didn't you?" The woman paused and looked contemplative.
"Huh... you're right. They did seem to learn how to take care of themselves after that... though it only lasted a month, sadly."
"Rrriiiiight... moving on from Marley's disturbing laughter and the fear it inspires in others, what ended the prank war?" Dex asked.
"Oh. The Director and the Councilor teamed up," Jack said causing shudders and muttered curses to sweep through the stone room. "Yeah. The Director had the lights flickering on and off while the Councilor spoke through the intercom. Finally, they lead us all into conference room and the Councilor gave us all psych evals. No-one was up for pranks after that."
"No kidding," Dex said with a full body shudder.
"Almost as bad as Marley tricking us on board her ship with promises of cookies then strapping us to her table and giving us full body physicals," Rick muttered darkly, shooting the doctor a poisonous glare.
"Oh, like you would have come in for one if I asked?" she retorted, brushing Rick off.
"Yes," he growled. "I, at least, would have. Can't speak for Dex or Red though."
"I'd prefer a request over a trick," Eagle added, Dex and Red nodding behind him.
"You're complaints have been noted," Marley declared with a 'gracious' nod. Ed sighed and shoved back from the table, Niner following soon after.
"I think that's enough reminiscing for one night, don't you?" the locksmith asked. Jack nodded and stood as well.
"Yeah. Good night you guys," he said, already headed deeper into the subterranean base. Dex moaned as he let the front legs of his chair thump back down to the floor. Kai gave him a sympathetic look.
"Want me to walk with you?" she asked. Tucker was at her side immediately.
"Sure thing, babe," he said... only to go flying a moment later as Dex surged up from his seat to punch the womanizing Blue.
"Don't ever call my lil sis 'babe,'" he growled threateningly. Tucker raised an arm, shooting the weapons master a slightly shaky thumbs up before the limb dropped back down. Al laughed at him.
"Dude, you brought that on yourself."
"Choke on your motor oil, Circuit Head," the not-quite swordsman moaned. The A.I he called his friend laughed harder.
"Seriously? Is that the best you can come up with?" he asked. Caboose began to laugh as well, but Tucker didn't take it personally. Caboose was just laughing because Al was.
"Come on you two," Steel said, grabbing them both by the arms and hauling them away. "Time to turn in."
"As for your question, Kai. No, thank you. I... I should be fine," Dex said, turning back to his little sister. She smiled at him and gave him a tight hug.
"Love you, big bro," she said before releasing him and trotting off to her own room. Dex sighed and turned for the door where Rick and Eagle were waiting for him.
"Red went on ahead," Rick said, falling in step behind Dex and slightly to his right. Eagle snorted from his position to Dex's left.
"Yeah... I know," Dex told them, deciding to avoid thinking about why they were flanking him. Or why they had their helmet lights on at the highest setting.
/?/
A/N: Dang did it take me a long time to get this one done! I blame the pranks. My friend Sparks might say I'm evil and devious, but I had the hardest time writing those pranks! Ugh...