Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs Blue.
Episode 61: Warthog Madness
The day after the Grif Siblings spar, it was Lopez and Dex's turn to lead training because... "Do I have to?" Steel asked, eyeing the Warthog from a safe distance. "Cars hate me!" Marley rolled her eyes at the whining Phantom-Blue.
"Oh come on, Steel," she cajoled. "Maybe with Orange driving, the Warthog won't miss the track." Steel stared at her, clearly not amused.
"Black... not even Orange's skill is enough to comfort me," he said evenly. Dex chuckled and hopped into the passenger's seat.
"Come on, Steel! You first!" he called.
"Uh... me first for what?" Steel asked warily.
"Familiarity exercises," Dex answered calmly. "You can't drive something you aren't familiar with. Now get in the driver's seat!" Steel whimpered but climbed in. "Good. Now, where are the brakes?"
"So... while Dex is working with Dave..." Marley began.
"I get the feeling she's grinning deviously," Ed muttered uneasily.
"Oh, you have no idea," Flowdie answered, watching her carefully.
"Lopez! Help me bring up the rest of the Warthogs!" Marley called, overly cheerful.
"Si, Agente Negro," the android droned, turning to the garage with Marley trotting after him.
"Anyone else worried?" Rick asked.
"Eh, little bit," Red answered.
"This is gonna be fun!" Kai declared, more or less recovered from the family fight and pulling up in a second Warthog.
"Now I'm worried," Red amended. Ed and Jack moaned as Marley and Lopez pulled up in two more Warthogs.
/*/
Thirty minutes later, Dex declared that Steel was competent in the basics of driving a Warthog, all available vehicles; minus Shelia; were lined up by The Tree, and Marley began cackling. "Wait... Why are you cackling?" Dex asked, eyeing the lineup.
"Ever heard of NASCAR?" Marley asked. Slowly, Dex turned to her.
"You're not suggesting..." he began.
"Well, these things are meant for recon missions, right? They're fairly fast, can take a world of punishment, and this canyon has some slight variable in terrain. So... what better way to ensure all members of the team can handle a high speed chase, both as a passenger and as a driver, than having a race? I already took the liberty of having Eagle outfit the Gatling guns with paint rounds for this exercise," Marley answered, a wicked grin audible in her words. Dex clapped his hands on her shoulders and stared into her visor.
"The school boy in me is begging me to kiss you right now," he declared before swiftly claiming the driver's seat of the nearest jeep.
"I almost feel jealous of that boy..." Flowdie mused, already walking toward one of the three remaining Warthogs.
"Davie! This one's yours!" Marley called from beside a third jeep. Steel moaned and dragged himself over with the air of one approaching the hangman's noose. "Oh and Flowdie? Let Tucker take that one, okay?" Flowdie grumbled but, seeing that all too familiar gleam in her eyes, he backed down.
"Whoohoo! You're going down this time Big Bro!" Kai hollered, bouncing into the driver's seat of the last Warthog.
"This... is the worst idea ever. Of all time," Steel moaned as Rick hopped into the gunner position of his jeep.
"Oh no, I can think of far worse ideas," the maroon agent remarked. "Like turning on your teammates, going on a quest with an unknown alien, sleeping around an unknown alien, hitting on Kai where Dex could see you, taking on Meta without backup... Shall I go on?" Steel moaned and sank into his seat.
"No. No, I think you've said enough," he muttered. Rick shrugged and settled in, grasping the trigger handle of the turret.
"Suit yourself. Oh, and make sure your ears are protected, these things are ridiculously loud while firing. I can only imagine what they're like for the driver," the maroon agent remarked. Marley cackled from beside Niner's Mongoose as Steel moaned.
"Why do you hate me?" he fairly whimpered at her.
"Because you make this too easy," she answered. "On your mark!" she barked. Caboose pulled up beside her on another Mongoose while Eagle pulled up beside Dex on their Banshee. "Get Set!" Marley added, raising her arm. "Race!" she barked, dropping her arm and jumping backward. The Reds and Blues took off like a shot down the canyon.
/*/
Dex put the pedal to the metal and let out a wild whoop as his Warthog tore down the canyon, Lopez 'screaming' Spanish in the gunner position behind him. "Oh come on, Lopez!" he called. "This is living!" Lopez said something back that Dex didn't think was very complimentary and the weapons expert just laughed. Then he spotted Kai coming up fast behind him. "Oh no you don't, Sistah!" he hissed with a fierce smile. "Lopez! See if you can't hit her tires!"
"Acabo de terminar de detallar eso y ¿quieres que lo arruine con la pintura de Eagle?"* the droid droned back.
"I get that Eagle's paint is a pain, trust me, I do. But which is an easier target, Kai's shoulder or her Warthog's wheels?" Dex asked, figuring that with Eagle's name in there, coupled with 'pintura', Lopez wasn't too keen on painting the Warthog. Lopez's response was to fire the gun in Kai's direction.
"Ah! You ke keiki a kahi mea holoi!" the younger Grif cried as she swerved to avoid the paint. "You aim like a wave drunk beach bum!" Dex whistled.
"She's mad," he muttered, mildly impressed.
"What gave you that idea?" Lopez asked, sounding mildly scared.
"She just called you a son of a dishwasher in Hawaiian," Dex answered. "Along with insulting your aim which I'm guessing you picked up on loud and clear."
"You Grifs are crazy," the droid remarked, turning his gun on Caboose's Mongoose. Dex laughed and pulled closer to the surprisingly agile Blue.
"Best kind of people!" he called back to his gunner as the droid shot Caboose's front tire, sending him into a corkscrew.
/*/
Once Kai was done yelling at the droid, she turned her attention to the canyon before her and called back to Al. "Hey! I know you can't seem to hit the broad side of a base but think you could shoot at Dex?" He laughed mightily at her.
"Shoot at the terrifying walking Hawaiian arsenal that is currently driving a Warthog lovingly serviced by the scary Mexican robot that was built by Red? Yeah, no," he answered. "But, I can shoot at the dirt ahead of them. And if someone were to get ahead of them I could foul them up, try to give Dex some obstacles." Kai huffed.
"Hold on to something," she warned before driving them up a rock at top speed, causing the vehicle to jump.
"You're mad!" Al wailed, having only just managed to engage his magnetic boots before their jeep achieved lift off. Kai laughed as they soared through the air, only to moan as a round from Eagle impacted their front left tire.
"Hold on, it's gonna be a rough landing!" she called, attempting to correct their trajectory after the impact of the paint shell.
"Why did I get on this jeep?!" Al wailed piteously as they fell back towards the unforgiving canyon floor.
"Because everyone else was too scared of Dex?" Kai offered. Al moaned from the dented gunner's deck.
/*/
Meanwhile, Marley was going around the rest of the Phantoms and taking bets. "Three sodas Dave crashes first," Ed wagered.
"Dude, no bet," Jack rebuffed. "Dave has always had bad luck with cars. Plus we've already seen the first crash."
"Yeah... but Kai's 'crash' doesn't count. Eagle sniped her," Ed declared.
A beat of silence passed on the sidelines.
"Anyone else utterly terrified that a simulation trooper sniped a flying Warthog from the back of a moving Banshee?" Jack asked.
"Yes," came a unanimous response.
"Just checking," Jack said, settling back to watch the chaos that was the Reds and Blues racing. As it stood; Dex and Lopez were in the lead, Caboose was surprisingly close on his tail, Kai and Al had wiped out, Eagle was weaving around the Kai's Warthog, Steel and Rick were about ten yards behind Eagle, and Niner... "Wait... where's Niner?"
"She took the side route," Marley announced, looking at a data pad. The others gathered close and saw that it was divided into a map of the canyon and video feeds. Kai's had shrunk to a small icon in the corner as she was 'out' and thus not part of the main action anymore. They could see Niner zooming along in the shadow of the wall and her marker put her at...
"Whoa, she's ahead of Dex and Lopez!" Doc exclaimed.
"Not by much and it seems Dex has had enough of playing around," Marley pointed out. Sure enough, Dex's marker showed his Warthog speeding up. Marley tapped on his camera.
"... On our tail. Lopez, light 'em up!" Orange's authoritative voice barked.
"Si, Agente Orange," Lopez droned back, though the listening Phantoms plus Doc thought they might have detected a hint of satisfaction in the mechanical voice. As the droid open fired on Caboose's Mongoose, they watched Dex draw his rifle, aim at Niner's shadowed form; bracing against the arm still holding the wheel, and fired. Marley swiftly tapped Niner's camera, activating her comm link. The round hit square in the front wheel and Niner pitched forward with a scream that resolved itself into a fairly steady stream of profanities and colorful insults.
"Wow," Ed remarked. Jack nodded.
"That was quite the shot," he acknowledged. "I... might be more terrified by that shot that Eagle's."
"At least Eagle was using an actual scope, right?" Marely said. Jack nodded.
"That's exactly what I was thinking," he confirmed. "Dex, on the other hand, no-scoped the front wheel of her Mongoose. The only way it could be scarier is if he'd used a pistol or a knife."
"Woah, hey, don't joke," Flowdie said seriously. "Rick might find a way to do that!" Everyone in the commentator 'box' paused for a moment, the only sound Dex's chuckles and Niner's continued swearing, before shuddering in near perfect unison.
"Yeah, let's not dwell on that," Marley said. "So... Kai and Al are down, Niner is down, did Lopez hit Caboose?"
"Both front tires," Doc answered. "Ate dirt in an even more fantastic fashion than Niner. Not that any of you were watching."
"Hey, colorful insults and creative swearing is more fun that Caboose eating dirt through a full face helmet," Marley defended.
"I argue that Caboose's swears are more creative," Doc protested mildly. "But we're missing action here. That's three vehicles down and leaving three in the running. Steel and Rick's included."
"Let's check back in with Steel!" Marley decided and tapped on his camera.
/*/
Rick was really getting tired of Steel's muttering. "Dude, you're doing fine," he said. "Honestly, I'm confused why you're convinced cars hate you."
"It's only a matter of time before this thing tries to kill me!" Steel protested. Rick was... not impressed.
"Dex must have had a time with you," he remarked dryly. "Have you noticed that Eagle is now twenty yards ahead of us?"
"I'm doing good not to flip us going over these hills!" Steel protested.
"You mean the hills that Dex uses like trick ramps? The hills that cover the canyon? The hills that Eagle has been using to get ahead of us? Those hills?" Rick asked, swiftly growing frustrated.
"YES! THOSE HILLS!" Steel yelled back, gripping the wheel so hard it creaked as they went over another of said hills.
"They aren't even that big!" Rick protested. "Dex and Eagle are only getting air off of them because they're going almost twice as fast as you!"
"Hey! I'm driving! Not you! Shut up and let me drive how I want to!"
"You're driving like my granny! Who's half blind!"
"That's because CARS HATE ME!"
"I have yet to see proof of this."
"FINE!"
/*/
"Whoo-hoo! Steel just took off!" Marley crowed
"Think he'll land alright?" Ed asked.
"EH, he'll be fine."
"Not the most reassuring assessment, Marley," Doc said with forced calm. Steel actually managed to stick the landing and there was much cheering.
"Told you it'd be fine," Rick remarked. Then Eagle turned around to fly backwards and shot our both their tires. Rick jumped free and Steel dove to the side when he felt the car start to tip. "That doesn't count," the IT expert maintained.
"How?" Steel asked sulkily.
"Eagle," Rick stated flatly. Steel sighed.
"Alright, you have a point there. But cars still don't like me! If we weren't at the back of the pack I'm certain someone would have driven over me by now!"
"Wow. That's some impressive paranoia you have there."
"Freelancer does that to ya." The commentators shared a look.
"He's... really not wrong," Jack said. The others nodded.
"Where we at?"
"Dex and Lopez verses Eagle," Doc answered.
"Ooh~! Dueling Snipers! I like it," Marley cheered, pulling up their feeds. Both had apparently reached the corner and were now headed back toward the finish line.
"Sure hope the wipe outs manage to reach the sidelines before the 'dueling snipers' make it back to them," Doc said softly.
/*/
Dex grinned as he saw Steel get taken out by Eagle. "And another one bites the dust~!" he sang to himself. "Oi, Gary!" he barked, tapping the left side of his helmet.
"Yes, Dex?" the AI asked.
"Play something from my Driving playlist," Dex answered. A moment later, Kenny Loggins' 'Danger Zone' started playing over the Warthog's radio.
"¿De verdad?" Lopez asked. Dex just laughed and turned up the volume.
"You sure you want to invite that kind of trouble, Dexter?" Eagle asked evenly over the comms.
"Bring it Farm Boy!" Dex shouted, pressing the pedal to the metal. Eagle chuckled and gunned the Banshee as well.
"Bikes are more maneuverable than cars!" the primary sniper declared.
"Warthog's have gunners!" Dex countered while Lopez lined up and open fired. Eagle deftly dodged them all. For a time, it was a dodging game, a contest of skill as the two traded shots and deftly avoided them and the various obstacles littered around the canyon due to Marley and their own efforts. Then Dex hit something that made him bounce. "Lopez! Check what we hit!"
"Steel," Lopez droned. Dex blinked and adjusted the rear view mirror to see a prone figure laying behind them.
"Ouch. Why didn't he move after the wreck?"
"No idea."
/*/
Rick just looked at the groaning Steel. "Dude... that's... not even funny," he remarked.
"I told you. Cars hate me," he said before apparently passing out.
"Well. At least Eagle's on a Banshee that uses repulsion technology and the others are out of the running. That means you're not likely to get run over again. Today, at least."
"Not. Helping. Jerk."
"Oh, just pass out already!" Rick commanded.
"Just want it known, I was right!" Steel said before passing out.
/*/
Doc dropped the flag. "Dex wins!" he called.
"Wait. What?" asked Jack.
"Yeah, I was too focused on Steel and Rick. When did Dex pull ahead?" Ed asked.
"Dex was always ahead by a nose, but he caught Eagle in the face with a spray from his rifle as the Banshee was coming down from that last hill. He might not have eaten dirt, but he sure got a taste of his own medicine," Doc said. The others stared at him silently.
"To the schoolroom, Doc. You know what you did," Marley said, pointing toward The Cave. Doc's shoulders dropped slightly but he left. Later, Flowdie would have sworn he heard the medic mutter,
"Totally worth it," as he trudged off.
"So... who bet on Dex to win, that everyone but Dex would get wiped out, and what order did you guys have?" Marley called out.
/*/
While Marley was collecting her winnings, Dex backtracked to where Steel was pressed into the dirt. "Dude... that had to hurt," he said, hopping out. "Let's just... make sure nothing's broken, yeah? Then we can get you in the Ghost and run a full scan to make sure your insides are okay."
"Just kill me," Steel moaned. Rick and Dex shared a look before turning to him and saying,
"Nope," perfectly in sync. "You're not dyeing today," Dex declared
"Not on our watch," Rick agreed, standing by to assist Dex however he could. Eagle flew up on the Banshee and just watched.
"Oi. Eagle, go get Niner. We're going to need the medical equipment on the Ghost to make sure Steel's okay," Dex ordered. Eagle nodded and flew off.
/*/
Two hours later, all the bets had been settled and it was determined that Steel was perfectly fine. Oh, and that Eagle and Dex were the best drivers. "I say we have a three team race sometime," Ed suddenly piped up. Everyone tuned to him. "So that we can determine the best drivers in each team!" he attempted to clarify.
"Three teams?" Dex asked. Ed nodded.
"Yeah! There's Red Team which is you, Red, Rick, Eagle, and Lopez. Then there's Blue Team which is Al, Tucker, Caboose, Steel, and Kai. Then there's the Strike Team which is me, Jack, Flowdie, Niner, and Marley!"
"We're eventually going to get Carolina as well," Marley revealed. "Not too sure how, but we are. I'll make sure of it."
"Also, you left out Doc," Jack added.
"Marley, you and Doc are now Team Medic. Carolina is taking your place on the Strike Team," Ed declared. Marley shrugged.
"Fine by me. However, Doc's still got a lot to learn before I'd even call him a nurse, much less a medic," she said, shooting Doc; who had come back to deliver his lines to Marley, a Look.
"Hey, you let me have today," he told her. Everyone blinked. That... had been... surprisingly close to a growl for the pacifistic Doc. Marley balked for a moment, then canted her head to the side and gave him a considering look.
"You... weren't always a pacifist, were you?" she asked contemplatively. "Boys... I think I know what our next story is going to be."
"Whoa, hold on, I thought Story Time only applied to you ex-Freelancers!" Dex protested.
"I'm changing the rules."
"I'd say you can't do that... but I don't want to be checking my meals for poisons or laxatives for the next month," Rick said. The other Teams gave him confused and mildly concerned looks.
"Yeah, sounds about right," Dex said with a nod.
"Doctors are scary," Red muttered with a shiver.
"Estoy muy contenta de no tener que comer,"** Lopez droned, subtly easing away from the black armored woman. Eagle just nodded, though it almost looked like he was bowing to Marley. For her part, the army doctor was grinning at them all, though there was a tinge of madness in her expression.
"Right. Forgot the healers were the most terrifying," Ed muttered.
"I didn't," Jack stated firmly.
"You wouldn't," Steel agreed, trying hard not to think about that fateful spar so long ago.
"Right! Well, we've had our fun. Back to work, me boys! And Kai," Marley declared, clapping her hands. Everyone groaned but went back to training. And ignoring the sounds of despair coming from Marley's schoolroom.
/?/
A/N: Whoo, this one took far and away longer than I thought it would! And... it didn't turn out like I wanted it too. Ah well, don't know what you're good with until you try it, right?
To anyone who was expecting more carnage, especially on Steel/Dave/Washington's part... sorry! I had planned more Death Racing type stuff but... it just didn't wanna happen. So you get Super Snipers instead.
*'I just got done detailing that and you want me to mess it up with Eagle's paint?'
** I'm so glad I don't have to eat.