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--

She sighed. "I know. At least I HOPE, it wasn't like that but...". She sighed and shook her head. "I thought we were still friends." She made a slight face, as if she was mad at herself for trusting others. She should've known. "So tell me how it was then," she asked, as an offering.

--

Chapter 3

"I think we both realized, pretty quickly, that there was potential for something...more...to the relationship. But we were both hesitant, for a variety of reasons," he started. B'Lanna has a thousand questions for her friend, questions that a friend or a pesky younger sister would ask from the outset. She was trying hard to restrain her curiosity in order to let him get the story out. She couldn't help it.

"When did you know?" she asked, interrupting.

He thought for a moment before answering, understanding where she was coming from. "Well, I think I knew that first day, but really, probably after we were left on that planet. Then we spent a lot of time personally and professionally and emotionally navigating this line field."

"The first day? Really?" she gave him a sarcastic look of disbelief.

"Well, at that point I wasn't really looking for a relationship or a partner, but I wouldn't have turned down a quick romp in the sheets. I actually considered suggesting it, but then she started talking about joining our crews and ideals and the journey of our lifetime and-". He was cut off by B'Lanna.

"And THAT'S when you fell hard." She looked at him with understanding.

"No!" he denied. "It took time-"

He was cut off again. "Uh uh!" she emphasized, shaking her head no. "I have known you a long, long time Chakotay. You will sleep with a woman for the physical need as long as you both want the same thing, but the only reason you would hold off going for what you want is because she was unwilling, or because YOU felt something more." She looked him in the eye and dared him to deny it.

He stared back at her and said, "Like I said, it took some time to...figure it out. After the shuttle crash-"

"Which shuttle crash? You're going to have to be a bit more specific." Chakotay's history with shuttles was something everyone liked to needle him about.

"You wanna bust my balls or you wanna hear the story? The shuttle crash where she died and the alien invaded her brain," he went on. B'Lanna nodded silently. "That made us both realize that continuing how we were wasn't helping anyone, either of us or the crew, and that maybe the consequences were manageable.

After New Earth, there was no denying the connection between them, the tightening in the wame when the other entered the room, the desire to share the minutia of the day with the other, the overwhelming need to be in the presence of the other. Kathryn denied again and again that there was anything they could do about it, something that Chakotay was starting to doubt himself. The story he'd told her about putting her needs first still rang true, the problem was a adifference in their interpretation of her needs.

"After the shuttle crash, the problem became less about admitting our feelings to each other and more about negotiating how we move forward, because the damage was already done."

"How so?" B'Lanna asked. She knew the betting pools would be on fire with this information, not that she could share it. She did make a note to discuss with Tom any bets Ayala had made in the recent past. He wasn't going to get away with this.

Chakotay took a breath. After the drama of the day had concluded, he had met Kathryn in her quarters. "You know I'm going to talk to B'Lanna later," he offered cautiously. She had looked at him rather blankly in return. "She's very persistent when she has questions. And very defensive if she thinks she's been slighted," he said as a word of warning. Kathryn had walked towards him and wrapped her arms around his mid-section, snaking her arms under his jacket to feel his warm, smooth skin. She looked up at him, "She was your friend before she was mine, Chakotay. I'm not going to ask you to censor yourself on my behalf." In truth, Kathryn was a little bit nervous about the information that was going to be exchanged, but she trusted Chakotay and she knew it was the right thing to do to let them navigate their own friendship. "Besides, I'm not going to be her Captain for much longer. MY best friend on board already knows everything he wants to know about us, so, it is what it is." She had sighed heavily. "Now that we're back, I can't help but second guess every decision I made, including this one. Would it have been so bad if-"

Chakotay had cut her off with a quiet kiss. "Don't torture yourself, Kathryn," he said after pulling back slowly. "We all made the best decisions we could put there." Kathryn pressed her lips together and was horrified to find that tears filled her eyes. She blinked them away furiously. He leaned down and kissed her eyes one by one. She gave him a small smile in response and stepped away.

"You better get going or she'll wonder if you stood her up and you know she'll come here first," she warned. "Let me know how embarrassed I need to be next time I see her or Tom in the corridor," she said with a word of warning.

Chakotay had groaned inwardly, just now realizing that everything he shared was most likely going to be shared with Tom Paris almost immediately.

He came back to the present, having made his decision. "I broke her ribs," he choked out. "Four of them, maybe five. Doing CPR. She was so small. I hadn't realized how small she was. And the sound or the feel...I don't know which...of the pop it made each time..." He gave a small shudder. "She died right there in front of me and she essentially watched herself die and I think we both came to realize that what was there, between us, was there whether we acted on it or not. To not acknowledge it was going to cause more problems than doing something about it. And that was what pushed us into doing something about it."

"Something," she replied with a smirk. "Something." She let the innuendo hang in the air between them. He gave her a look she couldn't quite place. He had no qualms about discussing sex with her. They'd known each other for too long and through too many stressful situations to be squeamish about that. But communicating to her the horror of holding her innate body in his hands, feeling him break her bones himself, was something much more difficult to share.

The joke went over well and then the silence became awkward as neither really knew what came next. "I didn't realIze how much that affected both of you, it didn't seem like it at the time."

"No, it didn't," he agreed. "It kind of crept up on us after a few days."

B'Lanna let that information sink in. "I can't believe the Captain was really that nervous about it. She deserved to be happy as much as...maybe more than...the rest of us."

"It wasn't just that," Chakotay replied. "She had a..." Chakotay paused to think of the most appropriate word to describe the situation, finally falling back on one that Tuvok of all people had used. "She had a complicated path of romantic relationships in the past and she doubted her ability to be in a relationship and safely Captain this ship, especially if something were to happen."

B'Lanna frowned as she tried to understand. "She was engaged when we... is that what you mean?"

Chakotay shook his head on the negative. "Yes, and no. She'd been engaged before, and he was killed on duty, and it sent her into a deep depression. I think she was afraid that if that happened again, and she was here..."

B'Lanna raised her head in acknowledgement and nodded. "She was afraid if you were killed, she wouldn't be able to cope?" she asked slightly surprised. It seemed out of character to her, but then again she realized she really knew so very little about the Captain personally. "Like the void," she said with understanding.

"From what I understand, the Void was just scratching the surface of what she went through before," he said seriously. B'Elanna pursed her lips as she considered this new information.

"She also was concerned that she wouldn't be able to make a decision that might result in my death. And not just me, why do you think she's resisted close friendships with crew? She felt she had to maintain that distance in order to be able to make those decisions. I was finally able to convince her that whether we admitted to each other our feelings had no relevance on whether those feelings existed, and therefore, her ability to make those decisions was already compromised, so she might as well take the benefits of said relationship, which would probably result in her making better decisions in the end, if she was happy and fulfilled and..." his voice trailed off as he took another long drink. B'Elanna did too.

"Did the Admiral say anything to you about why she came when she did?" Chakotay asked her abruptly. He'd brought the subject up with Kathryn and she had resolutely declined to share with him anything that the Future Kathryn Janeway had shared.

"The Admiral? No. Why?" she replied.

"No reason," he replied, knowing B'Elanna didn't believe him. He still didn't know exactly what the Admiral had told his Kathryn that made her change her mind so suddenly. She went from refusing to consider the proposal to supporting it almost without question, as if something she found out...

He had missed verbally running through problems worth B'Lanna. His methodical mind and her analytical speed complemented each other well. "I think she, the Admiral, told Kathryn something that was going to happen and it scared her. Frightened her to such a degree that she was willing to take what was, in retrospect, an insane risk."

"It was, wasn't it? I still can't believe it worked." B'Elanna took another slug from her drink, finishing it. "Yeah, I think you're right. And I think it had to do with you. And possibly Tom. I really never interacted with her, the Admiral, but Tom said the look she gave him on the bridge scared him, and apparently that was nothing compared to the look she had on her face when she saw you for the first time. And I quote, 'like she had seen a ghost.'

Chakotay nodded. "You know, even now, after being with her in this whole new way, I think I have only seen her cry a handful of times. But B'Elanna, when I met her in her quarters after she had seen you and Miral in Sickbay and she told me you named the baby after her, she cried. It meant a lot to her, more than I think she realized. Especially after the Admiral's visit."

"Didn't bode well for our futures," he said, getting up to pour them a drink.

"It's a whole new world now, Old Man. I would like to know, but we'll probably never find out if she won't tell you," B'Elanna replied. "It must've been bad."

They weren't too far off the truth. The Admiral had pulled the Captain aside during her brief visit and, pulling no punches, told her exactly what would happen. It was everything that she had been afraid of and more. Chakotay had been killed in a skirmish with an alien race that blew up the cargo bay he and Ayala had been working in. They'd lost hull containment and everything in the bay had been sucked into space. They never recovered the bodies. In shock, Kathryn had gone through the motions of command until 6 weeks later when Neelix, Tom Paris, B'Lanna, 1 year old Miral, and Seven had been killed when the shuttle they were on was caught in a planetary skirmish over an abandoned moon. Bereft of her counsel and friends other than Tuvok, she had slipped into a depression she couldn't fight her way out of despite the best interventions of the Doctor and Tuvok. She had barely been functional for almost 2 years, during which the casualties mounted. When Tuvok's disease progressed to the point that he was forced to concede his limitations to her, it had snapped her out of it enough to keep her going for the additional years it took to get them home. The damage was done though, the heart and soul of them had been lost.

Thinking in their own minds about the possibilities, they sat in silence. Theirs had been a friendship developed in times of strife, when sitting quietly together had been the only solace they'd had to give each other. It was a rare thing to find in a friend, the ability to sit quietly without words to fill the space.

After a moment, B'Elanna broke the silence. "So," she started. "So how in the world did Tuvok figure it out?"

"Tuvok?" He repeated.

"You said earlier that he knew, I'm assuming he figured it out first, based on some super Vulcan logic or tactical interpretation of your movements." She could definitely imagine Tuvok doing some sort of logical evaluation of the movements of the command team.

It was Chakotay's turn then to smirk. "Actually I told him, or asked him, rather."

B'Elanna stared at him with an open mouth. "What did he say? How did that go over?"

He gave a small laugh. "A lot better than I was expecting, actually. It was one of the more surreal experiences of my life. He gives pretty good advice for someone who has never been in love. He went from 'I have no professional objection to I have no personal objection' faster than I could process. And THEN he basically told me even though I was a Maquis traitor when we met he believed me to be an honorable man who would not be emotionally careless with the feelings of his friend."

"That sounds like a rousing recommendation for a Vulcan," she said with a raised eyebrow. "Did he really call you a Maquis traitor?"

"Hmmm, I think his exact words were 'though we met under less than honorable circumstances'," he recalled.

"Still though," she replied. "Hmmph," she snorted through a laugh. "Its almost like you had to get her guardian's permission, like a bizarre medieval throwback."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Hardly. It just seemed fair, since he was going to have to deal with the crew fallout if there were problems, since obviously we wouldn't be able to appear impartial. Plus we needed to make sure we had a clear voice of reason, no matter what. It turns out it was never a problem but it was precautionary."

"Well, the man can keep a secret all right." Now that they'd gotten the basic facts out do the way, B'Elanna wanted the dish. This man was like a brother to her and, like a sister, she wanted details. "When did you finally get the nerve kiss her?" she asked boldly.

"Get the nerve? I am a patient man, B'e, not a timid one. I will never think about her sailing program in the quite same way again...".

"So she kissed you? Or...?" she pressed.

"Oh no, I definitely kissed her, but she uhmmmm," he cleared his throat thinking about that night. "She escalated it quickly." B'Elanna simply crooked an eyebrow at him in question and she swore she saw a faint blush creep up the back of his neck.

She sipped her drink and settled back onto the sofa comfortably. "Want to tell me about New Earth?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing happened on New Earth," he replied. She snorted in disbelief. "At least nothing that would meet your mind in the gutter where it is currently sitting. Now, if you guys had been a little slower in getting back to us, you could've saved us a lot of heartbreak." He thought for a moment. "Or it would've been even worse. I don't know."

"Any idea what's in the giant cargo container with the Captain's name on it that's been sitting in Cargo Bay 2 for a few years now?" she asked. She didn't know for sure but she was pretty sure it had to do with New Earth in general and Chakotay in particular.

"What container? I don't know about a container," he replied, slightly perplexed. He'd definitely sent someone to inventory that area in the past few years. He'd even taken measures to ensure his stash of Antarian Cider stayed hidden, but he didn't remember another container with mysterious contents. B'Elanna just raised an eyebrow at him again.

Another glass of brandy and they were trading insults and veiled innuendo and teasing each other about the frustrations of couplehood like they had years before. She sighed contentedly and then realized she was basically drunk and had a newborn at home that needed her. She'd swing by Sickbay to get a detox hypo on the way. But first, she had a stop to make...

After saying her goodbyes to Chakotay, and sending her good wishes to the Captain via him, B'Elanna left his quarters and sauntered down the corridor. She'd checked the time before she left and knew where to find her target. She'd get the hypo after. This was going to be a lot more fun with the alcohol still buzzing in her veins.

She found Ayala, where she knew he would be, working Logistics from the Tactical Station in one of the Cargo Bays. He barely acknowledged her as he focused on his task.

"So," she started, catching his attention. His head snapped up finally processing that she was there. Oh, Hey B'Elanna," he said casually. He had no idea why she was there.

"Hey Mike," she said back, staring at him pointedly.

There was a pregnant pause as she let him ponder what the hell was going on. "Can I help you with something, Sir?" he asked her. The 'sir' was tinged with a bit of sarcasm. He personally thought it was hilarious that this young woman had transformed herself into such a remarkable officer.

"Anything you want to tell me, Ayala? Like any news, or any gossip? Anything that you know that say, maybe the rest of us don't?" she pressured him.

He stared at her confused, having no idea what she was talking about. He furrowed his brow at her, not saying anything in his silent way. Suddenly it dawned on him what she might be talking about. He tried to keep his features neutral. He'd almost been able to put that knowledge out of his mind. He and Chakotay had been in the holodeck in a rock climbing program. They'd been tossing insults and barbs at each other when he'd thrown out, in complete jest, because as far as he was concerned, the concept was impossible, that Chakotay would be better off doing something about his unrequited love.

"This program's a great way to work of steam," Chakotay had said to him. "Thanks for suggesting it."

"It is. It's a good balance of mental exercise with physical exertion. Helps to get the mind off other frustrations," Ayala had replied. The two had been friends for a many, many years and it wasn't the first discussion they'd had about sexual frustrations during war or while trapped on a ship with limited company.

"It's the perfect balance," Chakotay replied with a bitter laugh.

"You know, if I had my sights on a someone who'd probably be willing, I wouldn't let protocols stand in the way," Ayala had said, before he could stop himself. He hoped his friendship was old enough to withstand this.

"Protocols?" Chakotay had replied, buying time.

"Yeah man, how long are you going to let her hide behind fictional protocols and regs?" he'd pushed on.

"How long?" he'd stalled.

"The energy between the two of you is ridiculous. When are you going to do something about it? When was the last time you got laid anyway?" Ayala asked.

Chakotay bit his cheek as he thought about how to answer. 'No lies,' he thought to himself. Before throwing caution to the wind.

"Last night, actually. She's not actually that bothered by fictional regulations," he'd said. Then he watched as Ayala processed what he said then promptly made a bad grasp on his next pull and missed the foothold and slipped about 15 feet down the rock face. Good thing they had the safeties on, he laughed to himself as he repelled down the rock to join his friend, who was trying to dust himself off.

Back in the present, Mike Ayala stared at B'Elanna. She knew. He didn't know how she knew, but she knew. He paused a full minute without moving. He'd known B'Elanna for a long time too. He swallowed hard and then raised his eyebrows at her. "Who told you?"

"I caught them kissing in SickBay," she said, barely container her amusement.

"WHAT?!"

"I KNOW!" she replied, as flabbergasted as he was.

"And are you drunk?" He asked, with the familiarity of an older brother who was not quite on the the friend Chakotay was, but not far off.

"Oh yeah. I just brought Chakotay a bottle of Saurian Brandy and made him spill his guts," she admitted. "Apparently the Captain is less timid in the bedroom than she is on the bridge..." she whispered conspiratorially.

They both startled a bit when the doors opened, looking up as if caught doing something illicit. The doors revealed a startled looking Chakotay as well. Ah, she thought. He's definitely coming to check out that container.

"As you were, Officers," he said, not acknowledging what they were CLEARLY discussing in the middle of the night in an otherwise empty Cargo Bay. He glanced around the room quickly, trying to decide a plan of attack.

"It's over there, Chakotay," B'Elanna said, gesturing towards the far corner where a stack of containers sat. He gave her a silent look of gratitude and headed that way.

Ayala gave B'Elanna a look that clearly meant 'what is going on?' And she replied "It's a long story."

To his credit, Ayala went back to work, at least tried to, as Chakotay rummaged around the containers. B'Elanna just stood and watched, slightly amused. They thought Chakotay finally found what he was looking for, because he eventually stopped moving and just started at the square container for a while.

"Find what you were looking for?" Ayala asked eventually.

"Sort of," Chakotay replied.

"Not going to open it?" B'Elanna asked

"It's got her name on it, not mine.," he replied. "She's still the Captain." He gave them a pointed look

"Isn't there someplace you should be right now? At..." she glanced at the chronometer on the console, "0100 and after a half liter of brandy? Like maybe Deck 3, Section 7?" B'Elanna asked.

He scowled at her as he left. "Don't forget the detox hypo on your way out, drunkie," he snapped back as he made his way out of the room.

"See you tomorrow, Torres," Ayala said with a note of finality. B'Elanna went, but not without a feeling of resentment that she'd just been sent home from a party by her older brothers.

--

Later that night, when B'Elanna had gotten her detox hypo, fed and cuddled her baby and put her back down to sleep, and was in bed with her husband, he asked her what she'd found out. She shared some of the more relevant information, but not some of the lore personal things. Things that deserved to stay between old friends. At one point she'd simply shrugged and said "Computer, what is the location of Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is location on Deck 3, Section 7," the computer replied.

"And where exactly are Chakotay quarters?" Tom had asked.

"Section 3," B'Elanna replied.

"Well good for him," Tom replied, leaning over to kiss him wife.

--

Two decks away, Chakotay lay naked on top of the sheets in the Captain's quarters. He'd arrived late, his head buzzing with the brandy B'Elanna had brought him. When the doors at opened automatically to let him in (they set the sensors to automatically recognize him at night, to decrease the amount of time loitering in the corridors), the lights had been low and she'd been in bed. He'd dropped his clothes at the entrance to the room and crawled in beside her. She'd responded in kind. Since their return to the Alpha Quadrant, there had been a new, different kind of stress on each of them. It was however, less difficult to manage than the fear of aliens harvesting their organs or turning them into prey, and thus the lowering of the cortisol levels they were used to resulted in an almost celebratory sense of relief that hadn't faded even after a week.

Chakotay lay on his back, feeling languid and boneless, aided in no small part by the whiskey he was sure. Kathryn curled up on her side, almost perpendicular to him with her head on his chest, her eyes studying his face. His hand trailed down her ribs, down to her hips and then back again. He met her eyes and then closed his own in contentment.

"Kathryn?" he asked, not breaking the rhythm of the movement of his hands. "What's in the Cargo Container in Cargo Bay 2?"

"What?" she asked, slightly baffled by the non-sequitur.

"There's a container, with your name on it, in Cargo Bay 2, that no one has record of and that has never been included in inventory for the past 4 years. What's in it?" he asked quietly.

She nestled her head back down into his chest, turning her nose into his warm skin so he couldn't understand her muffled words.

"What was that? he asked with a smile. It must be good if she was embarrassed about it.

She turned her head slightly and ran her hand over his chest, slowing to finger his nipple slightly. "The bathtub," she said more clearly this time. "I dismantled it and had them beam it aboard. Plus the half built headboard. I couldn't bear to leave them behind."

His eyebrows hit the roof and his hand stopped in its path and grabbed whatever happened to be in contact, which happened to be her buttcheek. He wasn't so much surprised by the content, but he was by her blatant admission. She could still surprise me after years. "Really? And what were you planning on doing with it on Voyager for so many years?"

"I hadn't really thought about it," she replied. "I guess in my head I envisioned it somewhere on Earth, when we got back." She shrugged. "It was more of an inability to leave it behind than it was something I had a plan for. We'll just...just...have to find a place for it when we find a new place to live."

He coughed quickly as he tried to cover his surprise about what she had inadvertently suggested. Realizing it after the fact, she raised up on on arm and looked at him face to face. "I mean, if you are interested, of course." She averted her eyes and bit her lower lip. He loved this habit of hers, mostly because it was a nervous tell that Captain Janeway never allowed. Only Kathryn allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to even HAVE a nervous tell.

"Things happened so fast I haven't even thought about what I want to do. I don't know if there is a ship in my future, or something else," Chakotay replied. "But I think whatever happens, wherever we end up, we can find a place for that bathtub. For posterity's sake."