But I know for a fact that there are only two people on this entire planet who would utter the phrase 'God-forsaken Vidiian bastard of a chair' in Klingon. One of them is sitting next to you, and apparently the other is in Captain Janeway's bedroom at 1am." He leaned back as if to say 'check mate.'
Chapter 6
As the days went on, the debriefings had became more contentious, the grumbling from the audience became louder and more vigorous. They were upset at what was being said and were more angry at how Captain Janeway was being treated. Tuvok has told her there were talks of a group protest or organized opposition.
Kathryn herself was feeling the strain like she hadn't since the first few weeks in the Delta Quadrant. As she stood outside the rooms on the StarFleet Campus downing her coffee as quickly as possibly, she became aware that people were talking about her. Glances that she wasn't supposed to notice, small comments that were supposed to be overheard, and not all of the complementary. She again felt a wave of anger flash through her at the fact that she and the crew were being judged based on situations no one here on earth had even conceived of.
The uncomfortable chairs provided for the public didn't do anything to quell her nerves as she sat watching the end of Chakotay's hearing. What a disastrous charade of judgment, hunting for any hint of impropriety. It was finally wrapping up as she stood to attend her own in the room down the hall. She caught Tuvok's eye as she made her way out of the room, watched by pretty much everyone that wasn't required to be paying attention to what was happening up front.
She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment as she went. She was so tired of the scrutiny.
The beginning of her hearing had been dull, dreadfully dull. So dull she began to lose patience with the questions. "If you are only going to ask questions that are clearly answered in my logs, why are we wasting everyone's time?" She snapped after again being asked a factual question that everyone knew the answer to.
"Just getting things on record, Captain," came the patronizing reply.
As soon as the participants adjourned she made her way quickly out a side door and made quick work of the walk back to her apartment. By taking the back exit and avoiding the main streets she could zigzag her way home in the same amount time and with much less observation by the crowds. She hadn't spoke to Chakotay since early that morning. She knew he'd met or at least talked to Harry Kim earlier. She knew he would reach out later to tell her what happened at the end of the day. She wasn't particular good company right now anyway. The thoughts of what she was going to have to address in the coming days haunted her. It had been hard enough to live with her decisions while on Voyager. Now she was on Earth with no distractions, no duty shifts, no engine crises, or alien attacks. There was nothing to keep her mind occupied except to relive all her worst decisions. And there were plenty of those to keep her mind busy. She'd woken at 3am that morning and couldn't stop thinking about Tuvix. Chakotay had lain snoring softly next to her while her body felt the need to twitch and twist as her mind went over every decision she made and any possible outcomes that would have made things better. She tried to convince herself tonight wouldn't be as bad, but she knew better.
As she walked into the grounds the next morning, she sent a prayer of thanks to whatever deity would listen that today was Chakotay's last day of witness. At least he could begin to move on and pick up the pieces of whatever life he could still find, or that he still wanted. They were both floundering in the aftermath of their return home. What they had thought would be a joyous occasion of celebration was turning into a series of tasks that was pure drudgery. Kathryn struggled trying to manage without a clear mission in a career she'd had her entire life, Chakotay with facing picking up of the pieces of a life that had been in shambles before he'd even been lost in the Delta Quadrant. And both with the haunting specter of reliving all their past actions and commands in front of a crowd.
Chakotay's meeting was still wrapping up late that afternoon ad the crew in the gallery for Kathryn's afternoon session. She turned and gave them all a small smile when she saw them, Maquis and Fleet side by side. As the session commenced, she took a deep breath and steeled herself for what she thought was coming. She knew it was going to be challenging.
She had been wrong. It was worse than challenging. It was impossible.
The gallery was packed with press, observers, fans, and most of the Voyager crew that were still Earthside to watch their Captain answer questions. Most of the crew hadn't been paying overmuch attention to the senior staff briefings and had expected a tone similar to their own. Those that had witnessed Torres and Paris and Chakotay and some of the other Maquis at their debriefings figured StarFleet royalty like Janeway would be only be present as a formality.
Those notions were quickly abandoned when the first Admiral came out swinging hard in his questioning of her actions. For hours she sat upright in her hard seat, at attention, and answered question after question about her actions, her motivations, her other options, the choices she made and the consequences. Some unpleasant things were said about her command decisions, about the Maquis, about Seven and her relationship to the ship and to StarFleet. And this was only the beginning.
--
Kathryn shifted in her seat and tried not to fidget. The content of the days debriefing had been dull, which emotionally was a respite but physically made the days difficult to get through. She rolled her eyes to herself as she tried to refocus what the Admirals were talking about now.
"Captain Janeway, do you recall Voyagers encounter with the Brinelli?" They gave her a stardate from early in their journey.
She furrowed her brow. She'd reviewed the logs of the day and a couple other documents filed with the commission as 'of interest.' She had remembered the encounter on its face, but remembered there wasn't much to the encounter compared to interactions with other species. A warp society, but only to warp 3 or 4, the Brinelli had not been friendly. They'd fired on Voyager, damaging multiple systems, requiring Voyager to use some evasive tactics and hide in behind a planet ensconced in a dark nebula to make repairs before leaving their space at high warp.
"I do, Admiral," she replied, not offer additional information but waiting for them to make the first move.
"According to your log Captain, you initiated a series of moves to conceal Voyager behind the nacelles of the larger and slower Brinelli ships to conceal your signature until such time that you could order simultaneous strikes on their weapons and engines and then retreat," the admiral went on.
She recalled the same and said so.
"That strategy has been seen before by StarFleet ships, were you aware of that? He went on.
"I read that in the briefs last night, but prior to that I had not known, or at least had not retained that information..." she replied vaguely. She didn't know why or how this minor conflict was relevant.
"In fact," the Admiral went on, "this particular maneuver was described only in documents from a skirmish in the Borderlands after the Cardassian War. Have you read the documents describing this incident?"
"Yes, many years ago. And then again last night when I was reviewing the documents listed on today's docket. I didn't know why it was included and it piqued my interest," she replied.
"In fact, those documents had been classified until 2 months before your return. Were you aware of that?"
"No, sir," she replied. She wasn't sure but she thought she knew where this was leading. And it wasn't going to be pretty. She didn't dare glance towards B'Elanna in the crowd.
"So, Captain, please tell us why you thought it would be appropriate to use such a classified maneuver with the full knowledge of your bridge crew, if not the entire ship."
She thought for a moment, trying to decide how she should approach this. Then clearly and calmly, she replied "I think, Sir, that the suggestion to use such a maneuver at that time was not mine. But I found that it was an excellent suggestion and was very successful."
"So, someone else on your crew suggested a maneuver based on information obtained from reports that were classified at the time? Captain, are you in the habit of sharing classified documents with known traitors to the Federation, even if they were members of your 'crew'?"
At that comment the entire galley burst into loud protest, shouting, heckling, and otherwise angry yelling. The derision in his voice over the word crew was such that there was no mistaking how this particular Admiral felt about the Voyager crew in general and the Maquis specifically. The presiding officer tried feverishly to get command of the room again. Janeway sat stiffly in her seat, not responding to the noise. She did not trust herself to even look at Chakotay or B'Elanna out the side of her eye.
The Admirals tried valiantly to get control of the room. It took multiple attempts. Once the room had quieted, the Admiral with the gavel had lectured the public on appropriate behavior with threat of forced removal. Janeway had been trying to catch the eye of either Admiral Paris or Admiral Necheyv. She eventually caught Necheyv and she thought managed to communicate what she wanted to her. She was successful and when things were again quiet, the Admiral stood and called for a brief recess. The crowd filed out of the room, surreptitious glances at Janeway coming from most of the them and more concerned looks coming from B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry. She stepped away to chat casually with the Admirals she was friendly with. This wasn't a trial, there weren't supposed to be sides, or animosity. She'd been, if not friends, then friendly acquaintances with these officers before Voyager had been lost. She glanced over at Admirals Slenk and Jans, who were chatting with Admiral Brock. She felt a smile tug at her lips when she thought of the man's apology for his overeager Ensigns.
After a brief chat, she gathered her things and slipped into the back hallway.
Five minutes later, the crowd reconvened. However, Kathryn Janeway was absent and instead of convening for further debriefings, an assistant assigned to one of the Admirals stood and made an announcement that the meetings were concluded for the day and would reconvene tomorrow, however going forward they would not be open to the public. All spectators had to submit requests to observe with StarFleet offices and would be approved as availability warranted. At this again, the crowd erupted in protests, groans, heartfelt disappointment, and worry.
"Where is she?!" B'Elanna demanded of Chakotay, who had met them as they were exiting the room, finally free of his own hell. In other circumstances he would have suggested something to celebrate even a small step in finishing the process but it didn't feel appropriate now. He looked as dumb-founded as the rest of them at the scene on the campus. Tuvok didn't look perplexed, but admitted he also did not know what the Admirals had planned or where Janeway was. This was concerning given the lack of precedence on behavior.
Chakotay and Tuvok stepped away to try and contact Janeway in a less noisy environment. This left Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna standing together puzzling what had just happened. B'Elanna, who knew slightly more about the events they'd been discussing before the recess thought she knew something but needed to check with Chakotay first.
Harry however, took the opportunity to grill his friends about the prior evening. "How could you keep something like that from me? Even last night, how come you didn't tell me?"
"So what DID you and Chakotay talk about this morning?" Tom asked. Harry gave him a look of disapproval.
"Aw, come on Harry, we JUST found out ourselves and we couldn't break their confidence, not with..." he gestures to the crowd of people still trying to figure out information about the Voyager briefings.
"Especially NOW, StarFleet. Don't you see?" B'Elanna's voice dropped to a hoarse whisper.
He looked at her with wide eyes and gestured a shrug that said 'what in the world are you talking about?'
"Harry," she hissed, "she's about to spend weeks defending her decision to take on the Maquis, among other things. Can't you see where this is going? It's going to be horrific and she doesn't want her motivation questioned by any, ugrrhhmmm...personal involvement." She struggled for a moment trying to find the right words.
"I still don't see..." he argued back.
Huffing under her breath and dragging her friends away from the crowd where they had slightly more privacy, she explained, "The Captain's about to be strung up by her heels for theoretically sharing classified information with traitors."
Harry and Tom had identical looks of confusion on their faces. She rolled her eyes at them.
"She didn't of course, but I think Chakotay's the reason those files were classified in the first place. THAT plus the fact that she's sleeping with him might be more than even Janeway can handle." She was looking at then like that explained everything, but they both had more questions. They had both started to speak at the same time when they saw Chakotay and Tuvok coming towards them.
"We were able to contact the Captain," Tuvok said to their relief. "They informed her of the decision and she decided to leave via the back entrance to avoid the crowds." The Vulcan looked unperturbed as always, but Chakotay's worry was written all over his face. He looked like shit, B'Elanna thought. She wondered the last time he'd eaten, or slept, on top of the emotionally heavy debriefings he'd just been through.
"Good decision," Tom muttered as he glanced around at the fractious crowd still lingering around the area of the StarFleet campus.
"Chakotay, I need to talk to you about-" B'Elanna started.
She was interrupted by Chakotay. "Can it wait, Torres? I have something to do." He was already stalking away.
"Sure?" she asked rhetorically to herself, as her old friend stomped away in the direction of the Captain's apartment.
"It is reasonable that he should want to check on the status of the Captain. It has been his habit for some time now," Tuvok replied.
"Some time now," Tom repeated, and he Belanna tried not to snicker through the tension of the afternoon. Tuvok peered at them with a neutral gaze.
"Oh come on! Tuvok too? Did EVERYONE know but me?" Harry stammered.
"Don't worry, Har. I'm pretty sure Vorik doesn't know, or Baytart." He flung his arm over his friends shoulder.
B'Elanna in the meantime had approached Tuvok and was talking to him quietly, expressing her concerns about the direction of the questioning towards the Captain.
--
Slightly up town and up the hill, Chakotay chimed the door at Janeway's apartment. He rang it again when she didn't answer right away. And then a third time. Halfway through the third time the door swung open to reveal an exasperated Kathryn.
"Hello," she said simply, stepping aside so he could enter. He stomped in through the entry into the living space. He was glowering, leftover from the frustration of sitting in front of the panel and then finding her gone with the news of her hearings. He was slightly flushed from the exertion of the walk, his eyes burned dark in their sockets. He looked dangerous, she thought. More like the Maquis captain from 7 years ago and less likely the states and stolid commander that had been by her side from their journey. He paced frantically in her apartment. She pondered this behavior. It seemed a bit extreme for what she felt had just happened. It was a simple bureaucratic move to her, outwardly, at least. No one needed to know otherwise.
"Are you okay? What happened there? Why did they restrict access to your hearings? He rattled off the questions frantically. Why was she so calm? How was she not at all bothered by this?
"I'm fine, Chakotay. The Admiral had some unsavory things to say about the Maquis, the crowd got upset. I guess rather than face that every time they wanted to take a jab at us, they figured they'd rather do it in private," she replied.
"And you're okay with that?" He was incredulous. And he had a headache, and hadn't eaten since breakfast, and had no idea what was happening to his life.
"I don't really have a choice." It was a non-answer and she hoped he wouldn't notice.
"They're going to sacrifice you. They are going to crucify you and hang you by the ankles. And for nothing. Nothing any one of them wouldn't have done in the same circumstances. How are you not upset about this?" He finally inwardly calmed himself and took a moment to study the woman in front of him. She seemed small suddenly, as if the weight of the world was on her petite shoulders. Or possibly the burden of command. Her face was neutral but he could see the lines around her mouth and the set of her jaw and the tension in her shoulders. She may be able to convince others with that act but not him. Never him, not for years. He knew that look, he'd been watching her with it for almost a decade. He just now was realizing she hadn't been carrying that burden for weeks. But now it was back.
"It will be fine, Chakotay. I can handle it," she reassured him.
"No, you can't. None of us can. Not by yourself. Trust me, I've already done this remember." He didn't believe her self-assuredness.
"They were hard on you. And unfair," she said. "And now it's my turn. The talking about it can't be worse than the doing of it," she said.
"Not even I believe that, Kathryn. And you don't either," he said. What was she playing at?
"It's how it has to be. And at least the rest of the crew will be free to move on with their lives, make new paths for themselves not being dragged down by whatever monstrosity this commission has turned into."
His eyes narrowed at her. "You're going to let them do it," he said, becoming aware of the thought as the words came out of his mouth. "You're going to take the fall for everything we did out there that they disagree with." He was astonished at her audacity.
"The Captain always goes down with the ship," she said bitterly.
"Kathryn, don't do this," he pleaded.
"Don't do what? I don't mean to go quietly into the night if that's what you mean, but I don't really have a choice but to show up there in the morning."
"I mean, don't make it easy on them, argue for public hearings. Let Tuvok be your legal counsel. Let them see that the entire crew is behind you."
She was shaking her head slowly at him. "No, I'll sit through these hearings, the crew can go start their new jobs, hopefully get their promotions, and we'll all meet again on the other side."
Suddenly something occurred to him. His eyes widened. "Kathryn." Her name was the entire sentence. It was a statement, not a question. He demanded she look at him while he said this. She complied and met his eye. "Did YOU request the hearings be private?" The tightening of her jaw told him everything he needed to know without speech.
He slammed his hand down on the table. "Dammit! Kathryn! Why did you do that? How long are you going to try and bear this burden by yourself? You don't need to and you shouldn't have to. You think the rest of the crew is just going to accept their promotions and new assignments and move on and leave you in their clutches?"
She leaned forwards towards him, both hands pressed against the table that was between them. "Yes, that's exactly what they are going to do. And I know they will because I am their Captain, for a little while yet anyway, and that's what I have told them to do," she said firmly.
He stared at her. She could see the muscles in his jaw working as he tried to control himself. "And where does that leave me? Leave us?"
She looked at him steadily as she considered her response. He watched her carefully as she watched him. Suddenly some of the fire went out of her, as if realizing how much this fight was going to cost her. She massaged her temples with one hand. "I don't think they're going to make a decision regarding your promotion until after these debriefings."
"I haven't even decided if I want it," he replied sullenly.
Where does that leave us?
Do I factor in to that decision? Should I?
Her hand fell from her temples to her side as she looked at this man, who had stayed beside through everything, who had protected her with his body and his mind, and more importantly kept her soul safe inside his. How could she make him understand she had to do this, for him, for Voyager, for the crew, for them?
"Chakotay, what we had on Voyager was wonderful, b-." She was interrupted.
"Wonderful but? Wonderful while it was all we had? Wonderful until we got back to earth? Wonderful until you had to deal with the consequences?" His words were harsh, and angry, and he regretted them as soon as they left his mouth.
Shocked, her heart sank and her stomach flipped. She blinked at him a couple times before finding her voice. "Is that how you feel? she asked in a quiet voice.