{{{This one was too long so I had to split it up. I think one more chapter after this. Thanks for sticking around. More reviews pls if you can.}}}

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The table was in the corner, behind a half pillar that hid most of the person from view while still allowing them to see a good portion of the bar. Tousled brown hair sat at her shoulders, which were slumped. Her head was downcast. The person wore a dark brown sweater with a loose cowel neck and fitted sleeves. Delicate fingers held a half-filled glass of whiskey and the bottle sat on the table.

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Chapter 9

"I'll be damned," Harry said. "Do you think she's seen us?"

B'Elanna and Tom turned and stared at Harry. "Seen us? Have you MET Kathryn Janeway? She knew we were here the minute we walked through the door."

Across the bar, Kathryn sat unmoving. She had indeed seen them walk inside. She didn't even know how she knew, maybe she heard a familiar laugh, or a familiar step, or maybe it was a sixth sense but she had looked up and seen them ducking in the door out of the rain. She'd immediately dropped her head and took another slug of whiskey. She'd been trying to think of where she could go for a change of scenery, a change of mental pace more than anything. She though of previous times she'd felt so off kilter and none of those options seemed good. She found herself wishing for the familiar comforts of her holodeck programs, in lieu of a familiar location here on Earth. Then she remembered that perhaps there was a familiar place on Earth. She'd made a quick change of clothing, stripping off her uniform bitterly and with distaste, and pulled on a soft wrap around sweater and pants and soft flats. She immediately regretted her choice of footwear as soon as she arrived in France and saw the wet cobblestones that made up the streets. She'd found the bar without difficulty and stepping into the warm light, she was astounded at Tom Paris's skills at holodeck design. The accuracy was uncanny. So much so that when the hostess addressed her, asking what she would like, she responded almost as if she knew the woman personally, and accurately predicted the response of "of course, ma cherie. Grab a seat."

She took another sip as she saw Tom greet Sandrine and then walk her over to meet his wife and friend. She couldn't help but smile at the sight. She didn't regret it, she decided. She didn't regret what she'd had to do to get them home. She wasn't proud of some of her actions, one in particular, but there was no regret there. Only resignation. Of what she'd had to do and what she was going to pay for it. She had her doubts, especially after the hearings, but deep down she knew she'd done the absolute best she could. And it was good enough, just barely. Flagging down one of the wait staff, she had three whiskeys sent to their table. She had her head down, studying her drink when Sandrine's eyes flicked over in her direction and she didn't notice Tom's steady gaze either. It had been a long time since she'd allowed alcohol to numb herself in this fashion. She wasn't inexperienced with alcohol, quite the contrary, other than 7 years of limited access, but she did not frequently use it for its ability to keep her from feeling. Tonight that was it's purpose, and the whiskey had done its job well. She took another sip and appreciated the burn and then the heat that spread from her stomach.

Across the room, the bartender that Tom had talked to earlier brought them three whiskeys. He looked at the man in confusion and he said with a grump, very French look, "perhaps the person you were looking for found you instead."

All three of them looked up in surprise at the tiny figure across the room. Her demeanor hadn't changed and she didn't look like she wanted company, but the whiskeys must be some sort of invitation. Tom stood and strode over to her table and pulled up a chair uninvited.

"So, fancy meeting you here, Captain," he said. She had looked up when he sat down, looking at him with a steady gaze that didn't falter, despite what must have been a formidable amount of whiskey, based on the bottle.

"I could say the same to you, Tom. And I'm not your Captain any longer." Her voice was hoarse, and low, with a combination of hours of testifying, a lack of sleep, and alcohol.

"We thought maybe you didn't want to drink alone," he said, as Harry and B'Elanna pulled up chairs next to them.

"I think I'm probably not great company right now," she said, with a twinge or bitterness in her voice. Her voice almost cracked but not quite. B'Elanna heard it though.

"Where the hell is Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked. "Shouldn't he be back by now?" She knew where he was, and that he wasn't due back for another 36 hours. She was trying to get Janeway to crack, to admit she needed a friend. For seven years it wasn't an option for her, but now it was and there were those that cared about her that weren't willing to let her be unaware of that.

"He gets back tomorrow," Kathryn said dully.

"And you didn't call him and ask him to come back?" B'Elanna pressed.

"Why would I do that?" Kathryn replied icily.

"He'd probably want to be here with you after..." B'Elanna paused as she tried to figure out what to say.

Kathryn's chin rose into the air. "After today?" she spat out. "Your father told you," she said bluntly, looking at Tom. He nodded slightly. She raised an eyebrow at him. "So your presence here isn't a coincidence?" She eyed each of them. They all tried not to squirm under her scrutiny. Even drunk she could command.

"No, ma'am," B'Elanna replied quietly, not shying away from meeting her eye. Janeway pursed her lips slightly and tilted her drink towards her former crew as a salute.

"So Owen was looking for me, worried I couldn't take a little judgement? After seven years of fighting to survive, a little judgement I can handle."

"Oh?" Tom said, tilting his drink towards her, as if to suggest a bottle of whiskey alone in a bar isn't exactly handling things.

"I didn't say I wasn't pissed," she said back. "I just think it's not what's going to break me."

"I still can't believe Chakotay just up and left, right in the middle of this," B'Elanna said angrily.

"And why not? He has he own demons to work through before we can move on from this. Besides, him being here wouldn't have changed anything."

"If he were here though, I doubt you'd be alone in a bar, drinking whiskey til you're intoxicated," Tom said daringly.

Her eyes flashed at him. "If he were, perhaps I wouldn't be alone but I would definitely be drinking whiskey. And also I'm not that drunk," she stated accusingly.

He grinned. This was what he had come here to do. The defeated, somber woman they had seen earlier was fading. "Prove it," he demanded. He gestured with his head towards the pool table in the center of the bar.

"You're on," she replied with a squint. "Plus, do you think I can't play pool drunk?" she said snidely, as Tom got up to put their name down for a game. She poured them another round.

"Captain?" Harry asked hesitantly. "What do you think they mean to do?" He was bring in up what none of them wanted to say out loud.

"I don't know, Harry," she said with a sigh. "It was just investigatory, but they have all the information now. If they choose to pursue a court trial, they could."

"But...but..." he stammered, in disbelief that the organization he was so dedicated to could turn on his beloved Captain.

"Don't be so shocked, Ensign," she scolded. "StarFleet has always been a political organization and this is the most political event they've had since the war. They intend to capitalize on it."

"But surely you'll fight it!?" he questioned.

"I won't go down without a fight, I assure you, but I also don't intend to have my crew's names dragged through the mud, so if my trial is going to do that, I might just resign and be done with it."

Harry stared at her in shock. "Resign? Are you serious? How drunk are you?" he asked, before regretting it. How drunk was he?

"Not nearly drunk enough," she replied, pouring them all another drink. A few minutes later they stood, Kathryn on slightly wavering legs, and took their place at the pool table.

As Tom offered her the break, she accepted at then said "Thomas, your stick?" holding out her hand.

At her words, B'Elanna burst out laughing, so hard she couldn't breathe. Harry followed and soon all of them were barely able to stand and catch their breath, they were laughing so hard. Seven years of stress, years of anxiety, weeks of reliving the trauma, and the stress of careers in the balance, rolled off them in waves. It took them a while to come around.

When they did, B'Elanna said "Forget Chakotay, you know who we should call? Tuvok. He's the most brilliant legal mind out there. He'll sort out a defense that not even another Vulcan can reason their way out of."

Kathryn scowled at her. "I'm not even sure I want a defense," she said quietly, as she moved to take another shot.

The others looked at each other in shared understanding and worry, then Harry, buoyed by the alcohol, the real thing that he definitely wasn't used to, said "Well then, you're not going to want to take Tuvok home with you. Call Chakotay.

Her eyes widened at the audacity of his remark, and Harry, who had had too much whiskey to be embarrassed, defensively said "well, it's true, isn't it?"

Kathryn just rolled her eyes. She easily sank the ball into the pocket, but as she straightened and reached for her drink, she swayed a little on her feet. Tom reached out for her elbow to steady her but she shrugged him off. "Forget Tuvok, you know who we should really call is the Doctor. He can get us all hyposprays before morning."

B'Elanna looked at all of them and stepped away, moving towards the exit. She eyed Tom silently as if to say screw it, we're calling them all. He nodded his agreement.

It was not yet evening in California and the bar scene in France was just becoming lively. Tom was pleased to see Sandrine's was still flourishing. After B'Elanna stepped back in, she took her drink back from Tom and said "I called the Doctor. And a few others." Tom raised an eyebrow at her. "Trust me," she said.

Tuvok, as expected, was the first to arrive. He greeted the Captain warmly, accepted a synthehol beer and then surprised them all by introducing them to his wife, T'Pel. She greeted Kathryn warmly, in affection as only a Vulcan could. The doctor was next, with Seven. Then Harry's old-new girlfriend Libby arrived. Then the Delaney sisters, Sam Wildman and her husband, and Mike Ayala. At this point, Kathryn knew she was beaten. Her pity party was over, replaced by a real life party.

By ones and twos and threes, most of the Voyager crew appeared. The word had gone out that the brass was trying to use the Captain as a scapegoat. The rumor mill on Voyager had been one of the most reliable and formidable systems, and, it turned out, was still very much in existence even back on Earth. In two hours, most of the crew that was still planetside was in that bar. It was the greatest party Sandrine's, real or holo, had seen in quite some time.

The bottle of whiskey she had started with was long gone, but somehow Kathryn never found herself without a drink. Trays of shoestring potatoes, crackers, meats and cheeses, kept arriving. No one seemed to know where they came from, but no one seemed to care. Many of the crew hadn't seen each other in recent weeks and had brought family with them. The impromptu reunion brought smiles to everyone. They were all a bit shocked to see their Captain with her hair, and her guard, down.

Chakotay was still noticeably missing, and the rumor was starting to circle that perhaps the Captain and the Commander had had a falling out. Why else would he not be here for her, and for this impromptu reunion?

Tuvok finally found Kathryn alone and asked her what had transpired. "They're talking about Court Martial, Tuvok. After everything, after seven years. I saw it coming, I just couldn't believe it. And most of it," she waved a hand around, "I don't even care about. It was the right thing to do, sometimes the only option. I don't regret that. But some things...I do." She gazed across the room where Noah Lessing stood with a couple of the crew. Her jaw tightened and her shoulders stiffened.

Tuvok raised his chin in a slow nod of understanding. He had known this woman for a long time. She was likely to want to take the fall for all of them, to submit to whatever they wanted in order to allow her crew to move on. She would fight for them, and now his job would be to make sure she fought for herself.

He also wondered where Chakotay was. As far as he understood, the relationship between Kathryn and her former first officer was still flourishing. They had spoken about it only one time, when Kathryn had approached him and told him she was considering allowing their romantic notions to flourish. Chakotay had also come to him, later on, and in their conversation he had been able to ascertain that Chakotay did not know he had already spoken with the Captain. He appreciated that Chakotay would come to him, as the second officer and as her friend. Since that time several years ago, she had alluded to their relationship only two times to him. Once after their experience with the Equinox and once after their experience on Quarra. Neither time had led him to believe their relationship, though stressed, was on tenuous ground. It was odd to him that commander was not here, logically it would be the first place he would be. He suspected that Kathryn had not confided in the Commander the struggles she had faced the past few weeks. As she became more aware of the direction the hearings were taking, it was logical to assume that she would pull away from him, not wanting him to both see her weakness and put him at risk. He considered this as he watched his old friend watch the young crewmembers across the room. There was strength in her determination to protect her crew at all costs, but a weakness too, for they were stronger together than they were as individuals. He considered this for a moment, then left the side of the Captain and sought out B'Elanna. She in turn sought out Mike Ayala, and the two stepped outside into the cool, damp, night air.

Almost an hour later, a faint cheer went around the room as the door opened and two people entered. With her back to the door, it took Kathryn a moment to focus after spinning around to see what caused the uproar. Chakotay and Sekaya, appearing slightly rumpled and decidedly not dressed for the damp French night, were being greeted by the crew. Her heart leapt when she saw him, despite her urgent warning to her emotions to not overreact. The conversation she was having faded away and she sipped her drink slowly as her eyes drank him in. She watched as he greeted everyone, introducing his sister who seemed charmed by his reception. He finally spotted her across the room, catching her eye at long last. They held the gaze for a moment, at least one, possibly two moments longer than they should have in public, before she smiled and raised her glass to him. There would be time later for things yet unsaid. There was a bit of a hush that went over the crowd as they watched their former commanding officers acknowledge each other. The noise level went back after the Captain raised her glass and they turned away from each other.

Sometime later, Chakotay managed to leave his sister with the Doctor and Seven, who thoroughly entertained Sekaya as the only person she had ever met who was more blunt than she was, and he made his way across the room to find Kathryn. Seeing the Commander intent on reaching her, Harry and Libby made themselves scarce quickly. Confused by their abrupt departure, she smiled as Chakotay handed her a full drink.

"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow?" she asked without preamble.

"I wasn't," he replied calmly, looking at her with a glint in his eye that no one would mistake for platonic friendship. "But then three different people called me a total of 5 times and you don't want to know what they told me, so here I am." He clinked his glass against hers. She sighed in contentment as the heat rolled off him onto her. This was very dangerous. She was far, far too intoxicated to be in his presence in public.

"Oh I definitely do," she replied.

"Do what?" he asked. He'd lost his train of thought.

"Want to know what they said to you that pulled you out of the jungle in the middle of night," she replied sharply.

He considered this as she looked at him expectantly, "Welllll, I believe B'Elanna's first Comm was something about you hiding out in Sandrine's falling-down drunk on whiskey and threatening to resign, then Ayala's was that you were 'delightfully intoxicated', his words, not mine, and I was missing the best reunion Voyager has had thus far."

"Do you want to tell me what set this off?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, not really. I don't want to think about it for a little bit longer. Tom or Harry or B'Elanna will tell you if you want to know. We can talk more tomorrow. For now..." she held her drink out to clink against his another time and then took a big swallow. Unawares to them, the crew was carefully watching this interaction and recalculating betting lines in their head.

Chakotay gave her arm a small squeeze, the only physical contact he would allow himself, afraid that after three weeks without her he wouldn't be able to control himself, and stepped away to find his sister. It made him increasingly uncomfortable that she didn't want to share with him what had happened. This was Classic Kathryn Janeway. Whenever she felt defensive or threatened, she shut herself down and went into isolation. He would never have allowed her to get away with it, but his own process of debriefing and the subsequent feeling of displacement was so overwhelming he had a hard time concentrating on anything else.

It was a perfect storm of stressors and poor coping techniques from both of them and as a result, everyone was suffering. It was both unavoidable and completely preventable.

When Chakotay turned back, she had already been surrounded by others and was chatting happily. A chorus of "Hear Hear! And clinking glasses made everyone in the bar look up. Instinctively everyone was looking at Kathryn, who appeared as flummoxed as the rest of the crowd. A small group of crewmen held out their drinks as for a toast, towards Janeway. Soon others followed and then the entire room was filled with outstretched arms and filled glasses pointed towards the small woman in an unassuming sweater and messy hair.

"To Captain Janeway," a voice called. "Without whom we would not be here." A chorus of Hear Hear followed.

"To Captain Janeway," another voice came from the crowd, "without whom I would not be alive today." She couldn't see him, but Kathryn recognized the voice of Noah Lessing. Another chorus of cheers followed, including a couple whistles.

"And to all of Us," came yet another voice, "who would follow her back to hell again if she asked." Another rising cheer.

Seeing that this scene was not going to end unless she did something, Kathryn started to say something but her voice gave out. The alcohol, days of testifying, and lack of sleep caught up with her. She cleared her throat and tried again but still wasn't loud enough to catch their attention until Harry plopped a chair next to her and offered her a hand to stand up on it. Feeling completely ridiculous standing on the chair, and not super steady if she admitted it to herself she said a few words, toasted the crew to smiles all around and got down off that infernal chair before she toppled off it and broke her neck.

Sekaya came up behind her and gave her regards, Chakotay said he was seeing her tothe transport station back to San Francisco and he'd be back shortly. She watched the couple walk out into the rain and turned to survey the scene quietly and contentedly. The raucous party atmosphere had calmed into small group mingling. The Doctor was playing with a holo-camera, others had taken over the pool table. A smile crossed her face and the reminder of how many times they had done this exact thing, but in a holographic replica thousands of light years away. A minute later Chakotay ducked back in, and making his way to her whispered "twenty minutes, there's an exit down the back hallway. Meet me there." She gave a quick nod to let him know she heard him but otherwise didn't break eye contact with Harry, who was recounting some story about how he'd found Libby again. Someone made an announcement of last call and Kathryn vaguely wondered what time it was. The party was starting to break up and people were leaving in small groups to make their way back to wherever they had come from.

Kathryn slowly made her way towards the back hallway. There was a bathroom back there that she'd visited several times during the evening. She assumed people would think she was making a trip there. She hoped she wouldn't run into anyone waiting there. She didn't see Chakotay anywhere and assumed he'd made his way there via a different route. She passed the bathroom and went around a corner where there was an entrance to the kitchen and a door to the back alley. She stuck her head out the door and saw Chakotay waiting for her. She slipped out the door, keeping the door from locking behind her. He immediately pulled her into an embrace in the dark shadows of the alley. Her hands encircled his chest and grabbed the back of his shirt and then came around to cradle his face. His hands shamelessly cupped her buttchecks and pulled her to him as he kissed her senseless. She broke off the kiss with a grin. "Miss me much?" she said with a grin.

"You have no idea. I can't seem to get away from bossy women. Sekaya is way worse than you plus I can't do this." And he reached down and kissed her softly again. She sighed despite herself. She wanted to lose herself in this man. Sink into him and forget everything that had happened. Soon, she told herself. Soon.

They were interrupted by a crash of dishes and yelling accented in French that brought them back to reality. Giving each other matching knowing glances, they snuck back in the door into the hallway. Stepping out of the night air, Kathryn realized the drizzle had been sticking to her hair and sweater and they were damp. She snuck a glance at Chakotay and found he looked the same. Just then Tom came down the hallway.

"There you guys are. Everyone's leaving." He gave them a raised-eyebrow looking, eyes scanning them head to toe, noting their damp hair. "Boy, you two are NOT subtle."

"Oh, it's fine, Tom. No one will notice," Kathryn said, running her hands over her sweater to get rid of the silver mist that cling to her.

"Oh no, Captain. They'll ALL notice," he replied. "But most everyone is gone already."

She rolled her eyes at him. "What are they going to do, Court Martial me?"

"You've already got that taken care of," he bantered back.

"Kathryn, what does he mean?" Chakotay asked.

"She didn't tell you?" Tom replied before Kathryn could get a word in. Her brain was buzzing. "The commission qualified her for a court martial, now its just up to Judicial to decide to take it up."

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, as if wanting her to confirm. He had a look on his face that Tom couldn't quite place. It wasn't quite fear, or anger, or worry, but more of defeated look. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to discuss it. There's no point until I know for sure what they'll do." Her voice was sharp and on edge. She didn't want to do this now, in the back of a bar, in the middle of the night.

Seeing what was happening, Tom slipped out with a quiet "I'll just wait out here...". The look on his face when he entered the main room was chagrined and immediately was set upon by Harry and B'Elanna asking what had happened.

"There's no point!?" Chakotay was saying in an angry whisper. "Is this why you told me to go to Central America? To get me out of the way? So you could do this alone?" The anger was seething from him.

"Part of it," she admitted without shame. She wasn't sorry. "I didn't want you involved, roped into this. And that was easier if you weren't here to try and get all the details."

Realization hit him like a brick wall. "You knew," he said. "You knew the minute your briefings started this is where is was headed." He marveled for a minute at how calculated her mind was. Always one step ahead of everyone, even the Admirals trying to knock her down. "You asked for the private briefings and then sent away anyone who could help you." It was stated fact and it was accusatory and he was absolutely correct.

Kathryn took a deep breath. "I did. I am not about to let any one else get taken down by this. They were my decisions and I am going to stand by them."

"So you just shut yourself away and let yourself suffer alone? Did you not think that perhaps the crew needs you. That I need you and that we need to be there for you and much as you need us." He could not understand her need to self-flagellate like this, after so many victories.

"No. I don't need that. The crew will be just fine. I don't think they'll actually throw me in jail for years on end. Maybe a short time, probably just to make a statement-". She was cut off.

"Spirits! Kathryn! Listen to yourself." He was practically shouting now, still confined in the back hallway.

She stated at him, an icey stare he wasn't sure he'd ever seen before. Something in her eyes looked familiar though. And when he remembered why he snapped.

He slammed his palm against the wall next to her and she flinched. "This is just like the void." he said in a low voice. "You're shutting yourself off from all of us, expecting us to move on, and leave you behind."

"I'm not suicidal, Chakotay," she said defensively. He had seen through with a clarity she didn't know another person could have. "I wasn't then and I'm not now."

"So you're in your right mind and still making these decisions on your own? Let me ask you then, Captain. Where does that leave us? Are we planning a life together or was this," he gestured back and forth between them," just a Delta Quadrant dalliance. "Because I am not going to be with someone who isn't all in on the relationship. And to me, someone who sacrifices themselves for some amorphous goal and a career is never someone that will stand with someone else when times are tough."

"What do you want from me, Chakotay?" she hissed. "To storm into the commission meeting and throw a temper tantrum? What do you think I should do then? Let the crew watch them rip me apart on stage, question every decision I made trying to keep this crew safe until even I am becoming convinced I made the wrong decision?" She was frantic and close to tears. "Let them live out their lives believing that we could have done better? Focus their anger on me and really the entire crew because their colleagues and friends and loved ones died? Because that's where I am right now and believe me, I will do everything in my power to keep others from feeling this way." The words were pouring out of her in an angry tirade she hadn't even known she'd felt. Chakotay stood a little stunned at her reaction. He had always been the angry one. Kathryn didn't lash out, he did. She deflected and walked away and stonewalled. What was driving this change of character? Alcohol, yes, but something more.

"You're afraid," he said with sudden realization. "You faced everything the Delta Quadrant has to offer. You looked the Borg in the eye and spat on them but you're afraid of this." He wasn't taunting her, it was a new understanding.

She didn't acknowledge him but continued that steady gaze not letting him see through her facade to her true self.

"It was the defining journey of a lifetime, and they're going to sacrifice me for it. I thought we had won, but I'm going to go down in history as the Captain that broke the law to get her ship home," she said flatly. He opened his mouth to object but before he could, she said, "Go, Chakotay. Go back to the jungle. Find what you need to find. I'm set in my ways, Chakotay. I'm stubborn and set in my ways and that's probably not going to change. Figure out what you want before you come back. Figure out if you want me, because this is what you're getting: a washed up Captain without a job, about to be sent to trial, without much to offer, who doesn't like to talk when things get tough."

They stared at each other in a standoff. Kathryn was breathing hard, as if she'd fought a physical fight and from the effort to keep the tears at bay. Sunddenly they heard Tom call from the other room "Chakotay! Let go! It's pouring rain and I have two hover cars waiting to take us to the transport station."

Kathryn stared at Chakotay in the eye, challenging him to make the next move. He looked into the open room, then back at Kathryn, then strode away, flinging the door to the hallway that had been open closed in her face. She heard his footsteps disappear then pushed the door open herself.

She walked into the bar as she saw Chakotay going out the front door. She paused for a moment and rubbed her face then looked up as Tom stuck his head back in. He saw her and walked towards her. "Captain, you coming? It's raining hard."

She didn't answer directly but made her way towards the door. Seeing the look on her face, Tom said "Captain, about what I said in there...I didn't mean to-"

She cut him off sharply. "Not now, Tom." He shut up and followed her outside. She saw Chakotay climbing into the second car and not wanting to follow him considered just walking in the rain when the door to the first car opened and B'Elanna gestured for her to get in. Tom climbed in after her and tried to talk to her again but she shut him down saying, "I said not now, Tom."

That shut him up for good and she sat silently, looking out the window watching the rain slide down the glass.