He opened his mouth to object but before he could, she said, "Go, Chakotay. Go back to the jungle. Find what you need to find. I'm set in my ways, Chakotay. I'm stubborn and set in my ways and that's probably not going to change. Figure out what you want before you come back. Figure out if you want me, because this is what you're getting: a washed up Captain without a job, about to be sent to trial, without much to offer, who doesn't like to talk when things get tough."
--
Chapter 10
Kathryn hitched the shoulder bag she was carrying over her shoulder as she made the walk from the transporter to her mother's house in Indiana. It was later morning in Indiana, she'd made arrangements for an early transport that morning from San Francisco before she knew she'd be in a French bar until almost daybreak. The sun shone down and was warm. It would have been a pleasant walk if she hadn't been tired, hungover, and soul weary. The Doctor had not in fact, come with detox hypos and she could feel it.
The night before, or earlier that morning, she'd used the time in the car to get her emotions under control so when they got to the transport station her face was neutral, her body language relaxed and her emotions under control. She'd been quiet, but not morose with everyone, though she perhaps knew she wasn't fooling anyone she was with. They could also see Chakotay's brewing anger and could obviously put two and two together. He'd gone on the transport pad first and as he disappeared into a blue shimmer his eyes had found hers and burned into her with a smoldering look. She'd gone home, packed as the alcohol wore off, laid down for 90 minutes before getting up and downing a cup of coffee before leaving for the transport station.
She'd told her mother she needed some time to get away, to relax away from the pressures. Her mother had, of course, told her she had a permanent invitation. Then she'd called back and said she'd also invited her sister for the weekend. Kathryn sighed. She loved her sister but she wasn't very relaxing.
She arrived at the old farmhouse that was so familiar. Her mom had said she'd be out until early afternoon so she let herself in, dumped her bag, and wandered into the kitchen to find some food. She replicated herself some toast and coffee and plopped herself down at the kitchen table. She heard the door click and quick steps that identified her sister before Phoebe burst into the kitchen. The sisters embraced quickly and Kathryn sat back down. Her sister puttered around, stopping now and then to study her sister. After acquiring her own coffee, she sat down across from Kathryn. "You look terrible. What happened?" she said bluntly.
Kathryn shook her head and sighed. Phoebe went on. "Mom said your hearings were done. Are you free now?"
Kathryn shrugged. "For now. They have the option to bring charges."
"Bring charges? Like a court martial?" Phoebe said, shocked. "Why would they do that?"
Kathryn shrugged again. "Seven years worth of decisions, some of them were bound to be bad."
"So you're here just to wait?" Phoebe asked.
"They're supposed to send me final recommendations and decision in a few days."
"What are you going to do until then?" Phoebe asked, immediately suspicious.
"I don't know, Phoebe. Sleep?" she said with exasperation. "I'm tired. I just want to..."
"You look like you did after dad and Justin died," Phoebe said bluntly.
Kathryn closed her eyes. "Phoebe, I haven't slept a full night in weeks. I didn't sleep at all last night and I have a raging hangover. I am going to go get a hypospray and go to bed." She scowled at her younger sister, who gave her a pursed-lip crooked smile back.
"A raging hangover? A court martial? Who ARE you?" Phoebe questioned. Kathryn continues to scowl. She finished her coffee, set down the mug, and said, "I'm going upstairs to sleep. Don't wake me."
Phoebe shook her head. "Nope. I'm not doing that again. I'll give you til dinner but you show up down here, showered, in time for dinner or I'm coming up there with a bucket of water."
"Phoebe, seriously," Kathryn tried to reason, exasperated. "I'm not.."
Phoebe had her own brand of stubborn and was no match for her sister in this case. She shook her head. "Dinner's at 7. Enjoy your nap." And she turned and walked out. Kathryn rolled her eyes, then flinched slightly as it made her headache worse and headed upstairs.
At 6:40pm Kathryn was wrapped in a blanket in the bed of her childhood bedroom. The shades were drawn. She'd been asleep since her head hit the pillow 7 hours before. Phoebe unceremoniously opened the door wide, and seeing her sister asleep said, "It's twenty to 7. Are you getting up or are we both getting wet." Kathryn rolled over and glared at her sister through half-opened eyes. "If it's twenty to 7, I still have twenty minutes so leave me alone." Her sister turned and walked away, leaving the door wide open. Kathryn could hear comforting noises coming from the kitchen. She waited a few more minutes, just to prove it to her sister, then rolled out of bed and into the old water shower. The hot water sluiced over her tired body. She delayed as long as she could before stepping out, drying off and slipping on some casual clothes and tying up her wet hair. She made her way downstairs.
As she came into the kitchen, her mother and Phoebe turned to stare at her. Her mother in particular was studying her. Phoebe glances at her for a minute and went back to setting the table. "See, I told you," Phoebe was saying to their mother. "She looks like shit. Like after-"
"Phoebe, I AM RIGHT HERE," Kathryn protested. Her mother gave her a big hug and directed her to the table. No questions asked.
The nap and a good meal did wonders for both her body and her mental state. Her mother had left the sisters talking at the table and gone up to bed. Phoebe was starting to act like she was a normal person, and not someone living on the edge of the abyss as she had earlier in the day. And Kathryn felt more human than she had in a long time.
"You spent seven years living with all these people and I don't know any of them," Phoebe said. "It feels like there's a whole part of you I don't know anymore."
Kathryn gave her a small smile. She felt like there was a part of herself she didn't know either. She told Phoebe briefly about Sandrine's last night, how she'd gone by herself and the crew had shown up when they heard about the report the commission released.
"Whatever happened to that tall, dark, and handsome first officer you had?" Phoebe asked. "Chakotay, right? Was he there? You guys still friendly?"
"He's down in Central America, meeting his ancestors," Kathryn answered. At least she assumed he was. She didn't actually know if he'd gone back after Sandrine's the night before. If Phoebe picked up on anything in her voice, she didn't let it show. Phoebe's eyes focused on something inward for a moment, then she looked back across the table at her older sister.
"And in 7 years you never even considered tapping that a-". She was cut off before she could finish her sentence.
"Phoebe!" She glared at her sister for even bringing it up. Her sister met her eye and didn't back down. Then she raised an eyebrow. Kathryn Janeway might be the Darling of the Delta Quadrant, the one who looked the Borg in the eye without faltering, but she was still no match for the sister who knew her better than anyone. Internally, Kathryn gave in. She looked her sister in the eye and pursed her lips in a twisted sort of expression. Then raised her own eyebrow. They locked eyes for a minute, communicating in a way that only people who had known each other intimately for years could. Then Phoebe's eyebrows rose to the top of her forehead.
"You didnt!?" she shouted incredulously. "You did!! I knew it. That guy is dangerous and he's exactly your type. When? For how long?" Phoebe was agape.
"Four and a half, almost 5 years now," she replied.
Phoebe let out a long, slow whistle. "Oh man, you're in it now."
"What does that mean," Kathryn asked snidely.
"You didn't just sleep with him. Not for 4 years. Not trapped on the same ship as him. Not that guy. I only met him once but even I could tell he was a guy you wouldn't want to cross. You couldn't just love and leave him. Plus YOU, Kathryn Janeway, play it safe with your heart. Ever since Justin. You had your dalliances. But you never fell for them. They weren't dangerous. Then you had Mark, but he was safe. He wasn't dangerous, he was comfortable. You would never have just slept with someone for four years." She studied her sister for a minute. Suddenly, the shoulders that carried the weight of the world, the lines on her face, the cloud behind her eyes, made a whole lot more sense. "Does he love you back?"
Kathryn closed her eyes and smiled a sad smile. "Yes. But that might not be enough," she said quietly.
"What happened?" Phoebe asked.
"I wasn't completely forthcoming about my hearings and what the commission intended, he took offense. I told him to go and figure out if he still wanted me, given my likelihood of prison time at the worst and a poor reputation at best," she replied. Kathryn shook her head. "It was 3am, in a bar, after a whole lot of whiskey. It wasn't my finest moment." She reached up and massaged her temples."
With a clarity that only her sister ever had with her, Phoebe asked "Why did you do that? Why didn't you tell him? Why keep it from him to find out later?"
"To keep him from being involved. I didn't want them reconsidering him for any charges, plus we all have things to work through after getting back, Chakotay more than most. He needed to be able to what he needed," she replied, as if it was obvious.
"All the crew was cleared, legally, before you got back. That wasn't the issue." She considered her sister carefully. Kathryn had the ability to hid her true motivations from everyone, even herself, so well that they'd never get to the surface. Psychologists would have a field day with her. "Why did you keep it from him?"
"His life was in shambles before we were even lost in the Delta Quadrant. More than almost anyone on that ship, a homecoming was going to be hard on him. All the reasons he was lost in the Delta Quadrant in the first place...he needed to reevaluate..."
"But if you love him, don't you want to be there for him?" Phoebe pressed. "To help him and support him?"
"Of course, but I was stuck here and-"
"So why would you think that he would not want to do the same for you? Relationships are a two way street, Katie. You can't be there for him if you won't let him be there for you."
"Whose side are you on, Phoebe?" she said.
"Yours, of course. Who else is going to knock some sense into you? You love him, he, presumably, still wants to be with you or he wouldn't be angry with you. So what's the problem? Gonna let some uniformed bureaucrats get in the way? That doesn't sound like my sister. MY sister would tell them all to eff off."
"I couldn't. Not until I was sure they were all safe." Kathryn defended herself. She was a little shaken by Phoebe's response. Had she changed that much?
"And they are, Kathryn. You got them home. You got them legally cleared. YOU did. Now accept it and do something for yourself." Phoebe reached over and squeezed her hand.
"So who else knows?"
"Tuvok. A few members of the crew, thats it," she replied. Phoebe raised her eyebrow again.
"You have no idea, Phoebe. Until last week we had no idea if they were going to throw all the Maquis in jail as soon as we landed. I couldn't have them questioning my motives for defending them.
"Maybe," Phoebe admitting begrudgingly. Then she waited for a minute while the both drank their coffee. "It does make me feel better to think that you weren't completely celibate out there in space for 7 years."
Kathryn rolled her eyes and threw her napkin at her sister.
"Come on," her sister pestered, "give me some details!"
--
The next morning Kathryn delighted in the luxury of not getting out of bed when she woke up. She rolled over and went back to sleep. A couple hours later, the slam of the door downstairs woke her. She slowly made her way out of bed, made herself presentable, ignored the flashing Comm Station that told her she had more than 12 messages waiting for her, and padded downstairs. She found her mother putting away groceries and Phoebe handing her a coffee she'd picked up at the local shop in town. She also had the newspaper in hand. The shop in town still had a few printed copies for the locals who were quirky that way. Phoebe handed her the cup of steaming liquid and gestures toward the paper. "You're going to want to take a look at that," she said.
"Do I have to?" Kathryn replied. "I'm sure it's only going to make things worse."
"I'm not so sure," her mother added. "Take a look."
Steeling herself for whatever unpleasantries the press had seen fit to print this time, Kathryn sat down at the kitchen table with her coffee and started slipping through the paper. About three pages in she stopped at stared, not quite taking in what she was seeing.
There were two photographs. One of her, standing in the center of the photograph surrounded by what were obviously glasses raised for a toast. She was almost in the background, the way it was framed, but was in focus, while the glasses lifted towards her were blurred. Her hair was down and tousled, and the look on her face was a completely unscripted look of surprise and pleasure. She looked utterly charmed, and charming. The second photograph was of her standing on a chair at Sandrine's raising a glass back at her crew. The headline, much smaller than the photographs, read 'Returned Voyager Captain Saluted By Her Crew at Surprise Reunion.'
The accompanying article was a brief summary of the events at Sandrine's. It mentioned the crews reunion, their steadfast support of Janeway, and the opposition to any sort of possible charges brought against her.
"Well, that's not what I was expecting," she said, setting down the paper. "I wonder who leaked the photos."
"What do you mean?" her sister asked.
"There wasn't any press there. It's a small bar in a seaside village. There was a holocamera, but someone from Voyager must have leaked the images. Why?" she replied.
"Does it matter?" her mother asked. "It certainly is great press for you. It's going to be hard to charge you with anything with the support of your crew and a flattering public reputation."
"Well the principle of the charges still matter to me. And I want to know who it was," Kathryn said simply.
"So ask around," her mother said. "By the looks of things, that crew will do anything for you. They'll tell you."
Kathryn's calculated mind was racing through the possibilities. "I think I know. If you'll excuse me," she said, rising to go upstairs.
Before she went, Phoebe tapped the photo, specifically on Chakotay. In the first picture, he was beaming at Kathryn with an uncensored look of pride and affection. In the second, he held her elbow as she stood on the chair with a casualness that belied a supposedly professional relationship. Kathryn looked at the photo, and then back at Phoebe. "I know," she said. "I know." She almost whispered it. She knew the look of love on his face wouldn't go unnoticed. She also knew she needed to talk to Chakotay right away. She didn't want to live in this limbo any longer. She knew what she wanted and she was prepared to fight for it.
Heading upstairs, she went straight to the communicator and started sifting through messages. Some were expected, some obviously in response to the photos. She did find the one she was expecting and hit the reply button.
Tuvok appeared on the screen in front of her. "Hello, Captain. I am fortunate you have returned my message," he said. "Your welfare was in question and I can see you are well."
"I'm glad to see you as well, old friend." She jumped right into it. "Why did you send the Doctor's photos to the press?"
He lifted an eyebrow. If she hadn't known him better, she might have thought it was surprise on his face.
"It was a calculated move to sway public opinion and make the ability to court martial you that much more difficult. What made you aware that I was responsible, Captain?" He didn't even bother denying it. "I did not think you would know it was me who did so."
She smiled softly to herself. "It was a calculated move. One that I think only you would have thought of. Also, I think you are the only one who attended that evening that would have dared," she replied. Tuvok was right. It was geniously designed. Painting her as a beloved hero would give her some protection from the brass, as wary as they were of bad publicity these days.
"It was a risk I was willing to take," Tuvok replied, "having known you for so many years."
"But why, Tuvok?" she asked. She wouldn't admit it to herself but she was still having a hard time understanding the lengths to which her crew would go for her.
"Because I have become accustomed to your presence, and if you were to be tried and convicted, or to leave Star Fleet, I would not longer have you in my custom. That was unsatisfactory to me."
"Is that your way of saying you would miss me, old friend?" Kathryn replied with a shake of her head.
Saying goodbye, with promises to talk again soon, and well wishes to respective families, she closed the message. She sat back in the chair, with one leg bent up to rest her arm on, while her other sipped the coffee her sister had brought. She perused the other messages. Most were not urgent and she'd return then when she felt like it. There was one official one, telling her to expect reassignment and promotional announcements for her crew within the week. She could then support the moves, object, or do nothing, as she saw fit. Of her own fate, criminal or professionally, there was no notice. She sighed and slammed the communicator closed with a snap. She thought in her head how to start a message to Chakotay but couldn't get past the greeting. She gave up and finishing the last of her coffee, went back downstairs for a refill.
She spent the morning puttering around outside, wandering the area she loved as a kid. She checked out the pond, her favorite tree, her mother's garden, the old barn that was mostly empty except for some old rusty equipment and some storage containers. She thought vaguely if the things from her old apartment had been picked up and stored there when she didn't come back. She'd never thought to ask. She realized anew how terrible it must have been for Mark and her mother to pack up her things and dispose of it. She thought they perhaps saved some of it. She'd ask later. The day passed and she never did figure out how to get in contact with Chakotay. The things she had to say to him shouldn't be said over video or in writing.
The next day, she rolled down stairs mid morning wearing clothes suited for exercise, finding her mother in the kitchen. She downed some coffee and then took off for a run. Three miles later, she rounded the corner to her mother's property and slowed to a walk, enjoying the landscaping and the wild plants that lined the road. She heard her sister calling as she came into sight of the house. She waved and Phoebe jogged our to meet her.
"Some Admiral is on the Comm for you. Mom's about to lay into him for calling the house," Phoebe explained. Kathryn grimaced and picked up pace.
As she entered the house, she heard her mother saying, "You had better not be calling my daughter here to give her bad news, Owen. I never stood for business calls coming through here when Edward was alive and I haven't changed any. If it's that important, it should go through official channels."
"Mom! "Kathryn said as she entered.
"Oh, there you are, dear. Admiral Paris is looking to speak with you." She said Admiral Paris with a biting snap and gave him a pointed look that would have shamed anyone. Even Kathryn felt a bit of embarrassment at the tone. Great hen Janeway left the room and let the door click loudly, as if even the door could scold them. Kathryn took a moment to wipe her face on a spare towel and straighten her hair. She couldn't do anything about her clothes but hoped most of the tank top and leggings wouldn't be visible on the call.
She slid into the chair opposite the Comm and saw Admiral Owen Paris staring back at her. "Captain, it's good to see you," he started familiarly. Kathryn wasn't in the mood to be jolly, even with a man who had known her since she was a child.
"What can I help you with, Admiral? It must be important if it couldn't wait for me to reply on my own channel."
She sat, somewhat stunned, when he told her that the commission, and the rest of the Admiralty, had completed their objections, had decided not to pursue any sort of criminal charges against her. The courts decided her actions were not of significance, given the circumstances, and without significant evidence to convict and thus would not be putting any charges forward. She was not to be called back for any further testimony. In addition, she was being suggested for promotion to Rear Admiral. He finished by apologizing for reaching out to tell her while on vacation, and that he hoped she would pass on his apologies to her mother, and hoped they would understand that, given the news, he was eager to share it and thought I would be welcomed. Then he reminded her to look out for the crew promotion list in a couple days and signed off, leaving Kathryn sitting stunned, in drying running clothes and stiff muscles.
Her sister stuff her head around the corner a couple of minutes later to check in.
"It's over, Pheob," she said simply. She rested her head back and rubbed her face. "No more charges, no more hearings. Tuvok's little stunt worked, or at least pushed them over the edge."
She felt like a weight had literally been lifted off her shoulders. She might actually have something to look forward to now.
"Oh I'm so glad," her mother said over Phoebes shoulder. "I knew Owen wouldn't have dared called here like that unless it was something good. I scolded him enough for that over the years."
Kathryn snorted in response. She always appreciated how her mother manhandled Admirals who were overly self-important. "I want to have a party," she said suddenly. "Here, in the back, with lights and music and all the Voyager crew and their families. A party for us, not the press, not the brass."
--
A few days later, Kathryn was enjoying reading the list of promotions being proposed for her crew. The party planning was in full swing. She wished Neelix had finished their journey with them, he would have excelled at this. The event was to happen in a couple weeks, the height of early summer in Indiana. Almost all the of crew was able to attend. There were a few that couldn't come, a couple that were still trying to make arrangements, and Chakotay. She hadn't spoken to him in almost a week. This wouldn't be surprising, if she knew he was still in Central America, but she didn't know if he'd returned or not. Her pride had kept her from asking B'Elanna if she'd heard from him.
She missed him deeply, an ache that was inside her that wouldn't go away. She almost commed him a dozen times, had started letters to him at least twice that number, but had deleted them each time.
Finally, unable to bear it, she sent the Comm request before she could second guess herself. She was spared the torture of wondering IF he was going to answer, and what to do if he didn't, when he answered almost immediately, as if he had been sitting waiting for her call.
Surprised to see his face suddenly appear in front of her, she stumbled over her greeting, finally getting out a lame "hi" as she took in his appearance. He was tanned, and looked thinner, his cheeks more hollow. He didn't look unwell though, more like he'd just spent a lot of time outdoors. His tattoo appeared darker and the lines around his eyes had faded somewhat. It looked like the time had been good to him. She grimaced inwardly, doubting that the time away had been as generous to her own physical appearance.
He couldn't help but smile at her. Spirits he had missed her. She stumbles over the greeting and he realized she might be nervous. He saw her bite the inside of her cheek and he knew she was. He had imagined her sitting at home stewing angrily at him and now realized that perhaps he had mischaracterized her the entire time. He took in her appearance as well. Still thin, still had circles under her eyes, but overall had a spark that he hadn't seen in a while.
Seeing the background behind him, she asked, "Are you back in San Francisco?" She hoped it would break the ice a little. Nothing they had to talk about was simple, or easy, or without major consequences.
"Just got back this morning actually. I just sat down to review the mountains of messages I have when you commed. I thought maybe you planned it that way," he added with a raised eyebrow.
Kathryn realized with a little glow inside her that he was teasing her. "Must be a sixth sense," she added with jest. There was an empty silence for a moment. Neither of them knew how to bridge the divide between them without jumping head first into the seriousness of their situation. The questions swirling in both of their minds overshadowed everything else.
"There's an invitation waiting for you," she said. "A reunion party, here in Indiana."
He assumed that meant she hadn't been charged. He also assumed all the details would be somewhere in one of the hundreds of messages waiting for him.
"I hope you'll come. It's in two weeks." She said it without guile, almost with a flat affect. She was trying so hard to keep the hope out of her voice.
"I wouldn't miss it," he replied, meeting her eye. "I'll come early," he added. "If that's okay."
Kathryn let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She gave a slight nod. "Of course." She watched him carefully and gave him a slight smile. Her hand reached up behind her to rub her neck. He smiled back at her. "What?" she asked, flummoxed at his reaction.
"Spirits, I missed you, Kathryn." He voice was low and full of affection and desire.
Her eyes widened. She hadn't expected that. "Two weeks," she replied.
"Two weeks," he replied. There was another awkward silence.
"I'm forwarding to you the promotion recommendations for the crew, and a list of likely new assignments. We can give support or recs. I'd like your input." She was suddenly all business. This was more comfortable ground. He was a little taken aback by the change, though he realized he shouldn't be. She had always had the ability to make a fast 180 from Kathryn to Janeway, from lover to Captain. When things got uncomfortable, she hid behind the job. He wondered if this was a sign to come.
He nodded at her, saying "of course." In his head he was thinking, 'Not anymore, Kathryn. We're not doing that anymore.'
"Okay then," she said, closing the matter. "Two weeks," she said softly.
"Two weeks," he replied.
Her face softened back into Kathryn, letting the Captain fall away. She lifted her palm to face the screen, as if she was reaching for him. "I missed you, Chakotay," she said simply.
He raised his fingers to his lips and then raised his hand to meet hers, as if they could touch through the screen. Then he ended the Comm.
Kathryn sighed and closed it with a snap.