{{{I am sorry about the formatting issues. I think it was fixed and am hoping you don't see 1000 copies of the latest chapter.}}

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Chapter 11

Two weeks later, the party was planned, the caterers arriving shortly. The weather was cooperating. Lights were strung through the back yard and tables set up around the perimeter.

Kathryn had gone with her mother to the town to pick up a couple of last minute things, mainly some local baked goods and items from local shops. Phoebe had come back for the weekend after returning to her regular life in New York. Her husband and young sons would be joining the party later. People were to start arriving around 4pm and now, at late morning, most of the details were taken care of. Phoebe poured a glass of iced tea and intended to sit on the front porch and enjoy the silence for a while. Just as she set down the pitcher, there was a knock at the front door. Assuming it was her sister, she yelled as she walked to the door. "It's open Kat! Are your hands too full to open the door, but you can still manage to knock!?" She swung the door open, expecting her sister and instead found herself looking not into her sister's face, but into the shoulders of a much taller Chakotay.

"Oh!?" she stumbled, surprised. "You are not my sister," she said lamely.

"No," Chakotay chuckled. "I'm not." A look of concern flashed over his features. "Is she not here?"

"No, but she'll be back any minute," Phoebe replied. "How have you been, Chakotay? Join me for an iced tea on the porch?" She gestured to the glass in her hand.

"That would be lovely, thank you," he replied formally.

"Come on in," she said as she turned to get the pitcher and another glass. He followed her hesitantly, then turned and followed her back into the front porch and took the seat she gestured to in a wicker style padded chair.

"Kathryn said you were coming early," Phoebe said, not really offering him an idea of what his reception would be. "But I don't think she realized how early."

"I didn't really give her much notice," he admitted.

"Just didn't want to wait any longer? Finally made your decision?" Phoebe pressed.

Chakotay recognized this tactic. It must be a Janeway trait, to ask pressured questions that made the interviewee give away more information than the interviewer probably had. He raised an eyebrow at Phoebe and she smirked back. Point for Chakotay, she thought. He's definitely had his hands full with Kathryn over the years and learned a lot, she thought.

He made a small non-committal face. "I wasn't waiting to make a decision," he said.

"Kathryn says she told you to decide what you wanted before coming," Phoebe said as she sipped her tea and looked out at the landscape.

"So she did," Chakotay replied, wondering how much Kathryn had told her sister. Probably everything, he thought, but hard to know for sure.

"So what took you so long," she asked.

"I already knew what I wanted. I didn't need the time. I was waiting for something else," he said.

"Were you then?" she asked. "Because it wasn't very kind of you."

That comment surprised Chakotay. He wasn't expecting to be called unkind by someone he'd met for only minutes. He hesitated to answer and Phoebe took his silence for complacency and started talking again.

"I know my sister pretty well, Chakotay. Probably better than anyone else alive, but I haven't spent the last 7 years living with her. You have." She took another drink and met his eye. "She's a piece of work, but you wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't figured her out by now. So what gives?"

"I wasn't keeping my distance to decide what I wanted, I was giving her space to let her realize what SHE wanted. She seemed to think that I wasn't interested if she was disgraced, or put on trial, or discharged. This isn't true, but the bigger problem is that SHE didn't know what SHE wanted if she was any of those things, or more likely, what she wanted if she was hailed a hero and promoted to Admiral. I am a patient man, Phoebe Janeway, but I'm not sticking around if I'm not wanted." He finished his little speech and took a drink. "This is good tea," he said. "Thank you."

Phoebe's eyes grew slightly. Chakotay noticed. For all that Phoebe Janeway had the looks and mannerisms of her sister, she didn't have Kathryn's ability to hide her emotions.

"You convinced her to start whatever..." Phoebe waved her hands around in confusion.."this romantic liaison is...while trapped on a ship thousands of light years from here. I'm sure you can get through to her now. She just needs someone to snap her out of it. And that person's not me, not this time."

There was a lot to unpack in that loaded statement. Chakotay didn't even know where to begin. "How did you know it was my idea? This...romantic liaison? And what do you mean 'not this time'? What exactly did she tell you?"

Phoebe took a few breath, they were getting into territory that she didn't think they should be in. Kathryn wouldn't appreciate this discussion, that she knew. "I know you started it because I know my sister. I also know most of the details, and last time, well, she can tell you about that." Phoebe closed her mouth and pressed her lips together.

Chakotay shook his head in frustration. He looked down the road hoping for some sign of Kathryn. "Look, Chakotay, I'm totally on your side here, but the time for patience is over. Got it?" She gave him a look of expectation.

He didn't quite know how to respond to that. Luckily, Kathryn and Gretchen were walking up the path in front of them. Kathryn had seen him on the front porch, knowing it was him from far away. Even though she couldn't make out his features, she just knew it was him. His body language, the way he sat and moved, she just knew. Kathryn has caught his eye from across the yard and kept it as she walked up the path. He kept his face as neutral as he could. Kathryn looked unmoved by his presence, though her eyes tracked his movements sharply. He stood as they approached and greeted her mother warmly, taking her bag from her. Then he turned to Kathryn.

She took in the appearance of him silently, appreciating the things she had missed about him. She felt drawn to him, like a magnet, or like a moth to a flame. She found herself leaning forward toward him unconsciously. Before she got herself into trouble, she said "You're early."

"I said I would come early," he replied.

"You really meant it," she replied.

"I really missed you," he answered.

"Walk with me?" she suggested.

He nodded in reply and moved aside to follow her lead. Kathryn handed her bags off to her sister. Phoebe leaned over and said to Chakotay quietly, "Before this day ends, she better end up with straw in her hair or splinters in her ass, or I'm going to be very disappointed in you." She smirked at him and walked away, ignoring the angry hiss that came from Kathryn.

"I'm sorry," Kathryn apologized to him, as they walked away. "I told you she was always inappropriate."

He shrugged and tried not to snicker as Kathryn led him around the house, past the backyard with lights and tables already set up, around a copse of Aspen trees and to a small path that led through another larger piece of forest.

As they walked, the silence between them seemed to become heavier, not lighter. Kathryn felt it, but she was in no mind to break it. Chakotay also felt it, but he was in no mood to let her continue. The path led them out of the wooded area into a small grassy lawn the led down to a pond with a wooden dock.

"Kathryn, this is lovely," Chakotay said, impressed by the peaceful site.

"I've always liked it here. It's a good place to distract yourself." She neared the edge of the wooden dock and swung her legs over the edge. Her shoes didn't hit the water line but they were close. She pulled them off just to be on the safe side. She glanced up at Chakotay, asking with her eyes why he wasn't sitting next to her. Had he changed his mind about her? About them? He said he missed her, but it was possible to miss someone and not believe they could have a life together. She couldn't stop strategizing in her mind. Did his early arrival mean he wanted her, or did it mean he knew she would need recovery time before the party after their talk?

He stooped down next to her and pulled off his own shoes before dangling his legs over the edge. His toes just trailed in the cool water. "What did you decide?" she asked him bluntly. Her soul couldn't take the wait any longer.

"Decide?" he queried. He was going to make her repeat her ridiculous words.

"At Sandrine's, we argued, and I told you to decide what you wanted, before..."

"Right," he interrupted. "I remember. I decided a long time ago, Kathryn."

She gave him a steely eyed glance would have made any officer serving under her squirm uncomfortably but didn't say anything.

Finally she gave in. "So what were you doing in South America then? Vacationing?"

"Sort of. I was centering myself, so that when I came back here, to you, I could be the best person I could be. So that when YOU DECIDED what you wanted to do, I could-". He was cut off

"What I decided?" she repeated, demandingly.

"Yes, what YOU decided. Don't pretend to me whatever the hell this has been that it wasn't you struggling with whatever you wanted your life to look like. Don't pretend that keeping me in the dark, isolating yourself, not accepting that promotion they offered you..." He saw the surprise in her face. "And yes I know about that, and that you haven't accepted yet, AND that you deliberately kept it from me." She opened her mouth but he kept her from speaking by continuing his monologue. "It's pretty clear that you've been trying to decide wether or not to bind your star to mine here, and you have been for quite some time. You SAY you wanted to protect me, the rest of the crew, and maybe that is partially true, but mostly, Kathryn Janeway, this is about protecting your fragile heart. Whether or not I want to be with you if you get thrown in jail, or dishonorably discharged wasn't really your decision to make, was it? It was mine. And now that we know that's not happening, that they want to make you an Admiral, you still haven't been able to decide. What's on the line, Captain, is your career or your heart? Have you not deciphered what they'll do with an Admiral that took a Maquis lover? Trying to wait to play your cards right based on what they'll do? Waiting to see if I'll run and spare you the difficulties before accepting? Well, I'm here. And I'm not running. I told you years ago that what we felt for each other, the love I had for you, was not temporarily. It was forever. Regardless of circumstance. I didn't change my stance, you did. So what'll it be then, Kathryn? You have to give them an answer by next week and you have to give me an answer today." He sighed an angry sigh, huffing out of his nose slightly. She was staring at him with wide eyes, as if everything he had just said was brand new to her. "And I have to tell you, Kathryn, this strategy of protecting yourself above everything else, at all costs, doesn't make me feel particularly good." Phoebe's comment about him being unkind still prickled at him, considering he felt that Kathryn had been most inconsiderate herself.

He saw her shoulders slump a little. She looked down and pressed her lips together, then gazed out across the pond. "Protecting myself at all costs? That's rich, coming from you, the person who personally and professionally berated me on a weekly basis for taking too many risks with my own safety."

He acknowledged this with a tilt of the head but said "My comment still stands. This is not physical safety, its about your heart. And while you will risk your body, you never risk your heart. Not even with me." He looked at her sadly. He loved her, but doubted whether she would ever open herself up enough to have a full relationship.

She saw the sadness move across his features and felt a pang that she had put it there. She pulled her feel up onto the dock and curled herself into a little ball. "That's not exactly what happened," she said quietly. "I haven't given them a response yet because I wanted to talk to you first. I couldn't just accept this promotion to this organization you still feel persecuted by, and tormented by. I didn't change my feelings, Chakotay. Did you just expect me to accept the promotion and drop you by the wayside if you wanted out of StarFleet? The organization that was so offensive to you that it pushed you into guerrilla warfare? How could I accept that without talking with the person I love first?" He wasn't looking at her but felt her steady gaze warming his face and turned to her, taking in her face. Her eyes were wide and dry, but her jaw trembled slightly, despite her efforts to keep it still. "Is that what you thought of me? That I was not accepting that position until I knew how they would react to our relationship?" It was not going to be easy to rid herself of the devastation of that accusation.

"Can you blame me?" he asked. Also devastating in its truthfulness.

"No," she said truthfully. "But it's a pretty damning statement about me by both of us." She leaned back with her arms outstretched behind her. "Will you forgive me?" she asked, her voice gravely with emotion.

"Forgive you?" He was still trying to figure out for what.

"For letting you believe I didn't love you. For behaving in a way, not just now, but for years, that made you question your priority in my life. For-"

He leaned over and kissed her on the lips, essentially cutting her off. He held the back of her head to him as he deepened the kiss, as if answering her question and staking a claim to her at the same time.

She felt the familiar tightening in the lower half of her stomach, as if all her organs were being squeezed into themselves. Her tongue darted out to match his as his mouth slanted against hers aggressively, leaving no question as to his motives. He shifted to press into her further and he felt the rough boards they were sitting on remind him where they were. He pulled back slowly and gazed at her. Not fearful now, she stared back at him trying to decipher what was happening behind his dark eyes.

She finally broke their gaze and stared back out at the water where two white egrets had landed and were pecking at the plants.

"It's a desk job, Chakotay," she said quietly.

He furrowed his brow at her. "Vice-Admiral?"

She nodded. "It's a way to get me out of the way without discharging me all together. They won't give me another ship."

"After Voyager, would you want another?" he asked half in jest. He didn't mean to change the tone of the conversation but he knew how special that piece of metal was.

She gave a crooked smile. "No one could replace her," she said. "All I wanted to do was spend my like exploring the stars. 75 years was a bit much, but I never wanted to sit behind a desk. I'm not sure I want to."

"So it never was about us," he said in a half question.

"No, not really. I did have my concerns, about what you would think, but not what you meant. Certainly not what you meant to me. I kept away because I wanted to know my own mind, to be confident in knowing what I would be giving up, happily mind you-" she gave him a bit of a sour look, "- but I felt I needed to know where I stood personally before talking with you. As it turns out..." She took a bit of a frustrated deep breath. She was more frustrated with her own feelings than anything. She shook her head and looked back over at him, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "I don't know how to do this."

He furrowed his brow again, not understanding. "How to..."

"I don't know how to be back here, on earth. How to accept my career, as I envisioned it, is over. But mostly how to be in a relationship where I care so much about what the other person thinks." She paused for a minute and pressed her lips together. "With Mark, he knew my career when we got together. He knew my priorities. We didn't have to discuss it and he was fine being second place. With Justin, we were both career driven and it worked and he died before..." Her voice drifted off. "But this...THIS...I don't know what to do." She leaned back, feeling the rough wood underneath her hands. "How do I do this? What should I do?" she pleaded.

"You don't want me to answer that," he replied. "But I can imagine that it feels impossible to answer." Then he was quiet.

"How can you be so calm?" she asked him. In the face of her turmoil he was solid, a still pool compared to the streaming rapids of her mind.

"I learned a long time ago that you make good decisions, and have complete faith that you will make a good one this time as well. I trust you," he replied.

She snorted. "I can think of a few decisions I made that you didn't think were very good."

"Ha," he half huffed, have snorted back. "You came around eventually on most of those."

She sighed "What are YOU going to do? Are you going to take Starfleet's offer?"

"I'm not sure yet. If I do, they'll make me Captain," he said.

"Of course they will. Well deserved," she replied.

"But I'm not sure I want it. I don't know that I want to be out there on a ship again, frequent missions. Maybe 7 years was enough for me. Plus I have other things to think about, other options to consider."

"Such as?" she asked.

"Such as where you will be." He looked at her pointedly. "And what you'll be doing and why. They also offered me a teaching job at the Academy. And there are a couple universities in the area looking for a lecturer. But, it all depends."

"The distinguished professor," she said with a wry grin. "I like it." She paused before continuing.

"I don't know what decision to make. Right now my plan it to tell them I don't know and ask for more time. I think they'll grant it, since they don't really have an active role for me yet anyway. I thought I just needed more time to decide, but I think I really needed to talk with you and figure this out together." She looked at him out the side of her eye, trying to gauge his reaction. He reached out and put his hand on her knee.

"That," she said, "is what I have been trying to get you to see since we got here."

She huffed slightly. "I guess I really do come around to all your good ideas eventually."

"Want to show me the rest of the farm?" he asked her.

She chuckled. "It's hardly a farm. Maybe it was 400 years ago. There's still a lot of farmland around here though, and a barn. I can show you that." She clamored to her feet.

"Is there hay in that barn?" He asked, slipping his arm around her and pulling her close. "I would hate to disappoint your sister."

Kathryn looked at him with a mock scowl. "There is a lot of dust, but no hay." Then she raised her eyebrows at him with a smirk. "There is plenty of time left in this day. I think we can find some hay by then."

--

They spent the next two hours wandering the area Kathryn had grown up in. They circled the small pond, crossed the creek on stones, then back over the small footbridge. They skirted the land belonging to her neighbors, who still grew food in their fields, and then came back to her mother's property and showed him the old barn. Leaning heavily with all of her not very substantial body weight against the old wooden door, it creaked open slowly. The entered into a quiet space. There were some holes in the roof and an old, cracked window let in the sun, casting slanted shadows on the floor and wall. The suns rays illuminated dust bunnies in the air.

They both fell silent as they walked in to the space, the air still around them. There were two large containers in the corner. Kathryn shrugged at Chakotay's questioning glance. He noticed she seemed perplexed by their presence. The modern containers did seem out of place in the ancient wooden building. They approached the containers and Kathryn's hand shot out to touch the information form on the side. It had her name on it. And a date about a year after Voyager had first disappeared.

These were her things, she realized. Her mother and Mark had packed them up. The contents of a life, reduced to two moderately sized boxes forgotten in an old barn.

Chakotay had seen the name and the date on the containers. He grabbed her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles as they both stared for a minute.

"Do you want to open them?" He asked.

"Now?" she replied. "Before 300 people are showing up right outside?" She shook her head no. "Not now. Maybe later. I'm not sure I want to find what things my sister and former fiancé thought worth keeping. It's probably a bunch of old books, and old awards."

She shook her head slightly, as if to shake out the memories from her brain and led him towards the back. There was some old horseback riding equipment, a couple old tennis rackets, some weights, a bicycle, and an old punching bag that hung from the rafters - the detritus of a former life that involves two teenaged girls with a officer for a father. She picked up the tennis racket and grinned. He raised his eyebrows at the punching bag and smiled at her. "Been boxing much?" He asked.

"It was my father's," she replied. "He went through a phase where he thought it was amazing exercise and a quaint way of staying in shape. It lasted about 8 weeks." He raised an eyebrow at her, his eyes darkening at the sight of her, sun slanting onto her face giving her a golden glow. She stared back. She knew that look, and knew what he was thinking. "It is though, isn't it?"

"What?" he replied.

"A quaint way of staying in shape." She moved towards him, moving her hands around his waist. His arms automatically moved around her, one encircling the curve of her rib cage and the other lower, resting somewhere in between her hip and her buttock. She ran her hands up in between his shirt and his back, tracing the cut muscles with her finger tips. His skin was warm and smooth and he instinctively moved her closer to him. "I've definitely appreciated the benefits." One hand snaked around to his front, feeling the cut of his shoulder where it met his pectoral muscles and then into his taut abdominal muscles. He tensed as his body responded and she felt it. Her body shivered in response. He bent to take her mouth in his, soft lips meeting moist tongue.

She had missed him. Her mind and heart had missed him and her body responded in kind. She returned his kiss forcefully and he backed them up together into the rough wooden planks of the barn wall. His thigh pressed in between hers as their bodies mutually strived for more contact. Chakotay felt the ache deep within him that reminded him of an anchor tying him to her, a metal chain so thick and unbreakable that even the waves and currents of the ocean couldn't pull them apart. They would always find each other again. He pulled back and cradled her head in both hands, as if not quite believing she was here with him, in spirit and body. She met his gaze and reassured him with her steady presence. She didn't pull away, as she had during their first few years together, whenever their emotions became too intense. For years, they had fought against their anchoring, coming closer then further apart. It was mostly driven by her. Any sense of becoming too close, too vulnerable, too human, was met with a subtle pulling away, both physically and emotionally. It had taken a long time for her to break that habit, to allow herself that exposure. She was still learning to break away the protective shell she'd built up after the death of Justin and the loss of Mark. She was here for this, for him. And she leaned in to his searching mouth. Their weight shifted against the wall and something moved. There was a clattering noise and a huge plume of dust wafted into a billowing cloud around then. They pulled away, covering mouths and eyes. As the dust settled, they saw an old broom lying on the floor. The broom itself had been covered in dust and it's fall stirred up even more.

She grabbed Chakotay's hand. "Come on," she said as she pulled him outside. "I know a better place." He followed her lead, skirting around the side of the barn, trying to stay out of sight of the gathering caterers and tent rental company, lest she be pulled into their set-up plans. She led him into the edge of some trees. Not a forest by any means, but a small grove. In one of the trees, an old maple, a large horizontal branch ran sideways about 6 feet off the ground. In it was an old treehouse. The planks sun bleached but sturdy. There were a few smaller planks nailed into the trunk in the opposing side, allowing someone to climb up.

"A tree house?" he scoffed.

"There's less dust than the barn," she pointed out. "It's sturdy." She said, coaxingly. She grabbed the notches that had been clearly designed for that purpose and hauled herself up. He watched her backside above him and shook his head. Oh of course he would follow.

As Chakotay pulled himself up her realized it was more of a raised platform than a true treehouse. There were a couple of old wool blankets among the dried leaves and the seed pods with spiny points on them. She shook out one of the blankets and then pulled him towards her, down onto the ground. He rolled his eyes at the cliche but went willingly. His thighs pressed into hers and his hand crept up under her shirt to caress her breast. He moaned into the softness of her. "I missed you so," he murmured.

She ran her hand through his thick hair that never seemed to grow long but rather seemed to grow thicker. "Same," she said. His thumb flicked over her nipple and she let out a small growl from the back of her throat. Her pelvis bucked into him involuntarily, feeling exactly how much he had missed her pressing into her leg.

Sometime later, they lay half naked on the blanket, the rough wool scratchy on their skin. The sensation was almost too much after the stimulation of the their encounter, as if every nerve ending was alive. Putting off the inevitable for a few more minutes, she settled into him, fitting neatly into the curve under his arm. She kept her hips tilted sideways to avoid moving the stickiness from her body to his, or to the blanket. Eventually the noises from the people setting up for the party drifted into their space, bringing them back to reality.

Chakotay moved first, slowly easing out from under her and hunting for his vest and pants. He smiled as he looked down on her, half exposed and languid, with hair spread out around her. She sighed at his smile. "I know. We have to get going," she admitted.

She dressed unhurriedly, taking time to shake the dry leaves out of her clothes and then her hair. Before she followed Chakotay down the makeshift ladder, she stooped down to grab three of the spiky seed pods littering the floor.

They approached the house and found Phoebe with a man quickly introduced as her husband. Two small boys, introduced as her sons, hurried through the house hunting for their grandmother, sweet treats, or both.

Phoebe eyes both of them suspiciously after her husband moved away to chase after the boys. Kathryn raised an eyebrow at her, not giving away anything in language or expression. Phoebe scowled at Chakotay half-heartedly and he chuckled quietly.

"I'm going upstairs to get ready. Chakotay, let me show you the spare bathroom upstairs," Kathryn said. She led Chakotay to the stairwell and directed him up the stairs, then turned back to her sister, who was definitely inspecting her hair. She reached over and picked out a piece of a dry leaf that had been missed.

"This isn't hay," she said.

"Nope it's not," Kathryn replied cheerfully. "There is a definite lack of hay around here. But don't worry." She held out her hand towards Phoebe, who reached out reflexively to take what her sister offered. The three small spiky pods fell into her hand. She stared at them as Kathryn walked away. "Aw, come on Kat! You didn't! My kids play up there." Phoebe's protests fell on deaf ears as Kathryn turned away. "And don't look so proud of yourself!" Phoebe yelled after her, as she disappeared up the stairs.