The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has run off to try dresses at a bridal shop. Just a little thing that might have happened during the three years Archer was in a coma.
Thank You Sylvia Fowler
"So, I just got the latest rankings from the World Secret Agency Association…" Mallory led the meeting while sitting in her son's hospital room via a computer monitor.
"That's actually a thing?" Cyril interrupted. The rest of The Agency was in Mallory's office back in New York.
"Yes," Mallory told him. "Anyway, I got the rankings…"
"Who does these rankings?" Pam spoke up. "I mean, is there a panel that's elected or…?"
"It doesn't matter," Mallory waved. "Anyway, after our latest mission…"
"It is like People Magazine?" Pam asked. "You know how a bunch of editors decides who's the hottest guy of the year?"
"I thought it was the people who decided?" Cheryl asked. "I mean it's People Magazine…Why wouldn't the people decide?"
"Which people?" Cyril asked.
"I don't know!" Cheryl snapped. "Maybe they send out a bunch of mail in ballots or something?"
"And how are these results tallied?" Cyril asked. "What's the grading system? Is it on a curve or…?"
"It doesn't matter," Mallory told them. "Anyway…"
"Hang on," Lana spoke up. "I'm not so sure I want to be judged by some anonymous group based on circumstantial criteria."
"Yeah that!" Cheryl agreed. "What she said. Whatever it means."
"As I was saying…" Mallory began.
Lana interrupted. "How come I've never heard of this so-called Agency before? Are they new or is it an Illuminati type of deal?"
"It can't be the Illuminati," Cheryl scoffed. "Not even the Illuminati is the Illuminati anymore. That group disbands and gets new members like Van Halen every ten years!"
"How would you know that?" Pam asked.
"Because my great grandfather was part of it for a while duh!" Cheryl told them. "He got together with a whole bunch of rich bitches who wanted to rule the world, yada, yada, yada. Until one poker night where he was accused of cheating. And then he burned down the poker table. And got expelled. And a bunch of his friends protested and they got expelled. Long story short…"
"Too late," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
"The whole running the world in the shadows thing flopped and the society was disbanded until the next generation arrived," Cheryl went on. "My grandfather was invited to be a member but apparently he slept with the wrong person at this sex party. Which ended in a huge fight and a lot of murders. So that particular group broke up and swore to never work with each other again. Well the ones that survived."
"Uh huh…" Mallory sighed. "As I was saying…"
"Then my father and some of my uncles were invited for the next recruitment drive," Cheryl added. "But then everybody had a hissy fit of who was going to be in charge. And they really didn't like where my uncle picked for their brunch meeting. Which was a shame because apparently that was a really good pancake house. Before the fire…"
"In other words," Lana interrupted. "It can't be the Illuminati because they're a bunch of violent prima donnas who can't manage a party, let alone the planet."
"Exactly," Cheryl nodded. "Those stories about the Illuminati are extremely exaggerated. Which remind me, I haven't got a membership invite yet."
"If I can interrupt the Encyclopedia Tunt-Tanica over here?" Mallory snapped. "This agency has been around to oversee and regulate other agencies for the past thirty years. Trust me. They exist!"
"How do they get their information?" Ray asked. "Do we send in a form? Or is it a ratings system like Trip Advisor?"
"Well if it's reviews from some of our former clients we're screwed," Pam said.
"Aren't most of our former clients dead?" Krieger asked.
"That's why we're screwed," Pam told him.
"WILL YOU IDIOTS STOP SCREWING AROUND AND LISTEN?" Mallory shouted. "Ugh…As I was trying to say…"
"I'm just saying," Lana interrupted. "I want to know more about this so-called board before I accept any judgements on…"
"WE'RE NUMBER FIVE ON THE LIST!" Mallory shouted. "There! Is that good enough for you?"
"Oh," Lana said. "Never mind."
"Five? That's really high," Ray whistled.
"I know," Mallory took a drink. "I can't believe it either. But you idiots have actually managed to impress the other idiots that run these things."
"I knew we would do well without Archer," Lana remarked. "But I didn't think we'd do that well. How did we get so high?"
Ray told her. "Well it doesn't hurt when you shut down a Neo-Nazi terrorist ring that was also running an illegal puppy mill."
"Not just any puppy mill," Mallory growled. "They were breeding and torturing Airedales! Airedales! Some people have no shame!"
"And that's her saying that," Pam pointed out.
"Plus, some of the bounties you people collected using Sterling's decoy were really high on the wanted lists," Mallory added.
"Again," Cheryl spoke up. "Who puts those out?"
"As well as Lana's association with Robert…" Mallory paused. "He put in a good word for us. Somehow we now have a reputation for ethics."
"Ethics?" Pam did a double take. "How the hell did that happen?"
Lana admitted. "Robert bribes a lot of people."
Mallory admitted. "So did I."
"Oh…" Pam nodded.
"That's what you want in an ethics panel," Cyril quipped. "A price listing."
"Nevertheless," Mallory waved. "Our agency's reputation hasn't been this good in decades! I can't believe it!"
"I can," Lana said. "Speaking of which Robert is picking me up for lunch. Plus, he said he had something important to talk to me about…"
"Ooh! Another security job?" Mallory was interested.
"He didn't say," Lana told her. "But it could be."
"Aw man," Pam groaned. "Those things are duller than those fake rocks they sell on the Home Shopping network."
"First of all…" Mallory did a double take. "Why would anybody sell fake rocks?"
"To hide your keys under," Pam said. "Duh!"
Cheryl spoke up. "Or if you want to freak out your cousins by pretending you're going to stone them."
"I'm not even going to go into that…" Mallory waved. "Not important enough to spend time on. And considering most of my day is watching Sterling in a coma, that's saying something. You know what? I don't even want to talk to you people anymore. The droning hum of the air conditioner sounds more relevant than you people. So, it's going to appear like I'm hanging up…"
That was when the monitor shut off. "Hello?" Cheryl called out. "Ms. Archer?"
"She hung up," Cyril told her.
"Uh, get the stupid out of your ears," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "She said it only appears like she's hanging up!"
"Riiiiigght," Cyril looked at her. "Why don't you just wait here until she comes back on screen?"
"Maybe I will?" Cheryl folded her arms.
"Then I'm out of here," Lana rolled her eyes and left the room. "I'll tell Robert you all said hi!"
"But we didn't…" Cheryl blinked as Lana left. "Guys are we sure Robert is canon?"
"YES!" Everyone else shouted.
"Okay! Fine!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Jesus! Ms. Archer? Are you still pretending to not be there? Hello?"
"You really should stop giving her groovy bears," Pam looked at Krieger.
"I have," Krieger told her. "She figured out how to make them on her own!"
"It's not that hard," Cheryl waved. "If you know the basic formula as well as have some gelatin and gummy molds."
"You can't figure out how to make coffee," Ray looked at her. "But you can made candy with drugs?"
"That coffee machine thing is really complicated!" Cheryl protested.
"You know what I think is complicated?" Cyril groaned. "What Lana sees in Robert!"
"Oh God not this again," Ray rolled his eyes. "Make like Elsa and let it go!"
"Face it Cyril," Pam said. "You and Lana were never going to be a thing again."
"Even Lana's not stupid enough to make the same mistake three times," Cheryl giggled. "Right Ms. Archer? Hello?"
"Come on Cyril," Krieger said. "Deep down you have to know that you and Lana are never going to get back together again."
"I guess," Cyril sighed.
"Hey come on," Pam told Cyril. "Cheer up. For all you know Lana and Robert could break up in a few months and Lana will want some rebound sex."
"That is a possibility," Ray admitted.
"True," Cyril shrugged. "I mean it's not like Lana is going to marry him."
The following day in Mallory's office.
"I'm getting married!" Lana squealed as she showed off her engagement ring.
"I don't freaking believe it!" Cyril was stunned.
"Neither do I!" Cheryl gasped. "I think I just won the betting pool! That never happens!"
"Oh my god!" Ray squealed. "You did it honey! Congratulations!" He hugged Lana.
"I don't freaking believe it!" Cyril groaned as he got up and started hitting his head against the wall."
"Move over Cinderella," Cheryl quipped. "Truck-A-Saur-Ella has got you beat!"
"And better shoes," Ray added.
"Well duh!" Cheryl agreed. "Louboutins verses glass? Hello? No contest there!"
"No more cutting coupons and running to store closings for you honey," Ray remarked. "It's champagne wishes and caviar dreams all the way!"
The monitor crackled to life. Mallory was shown on the monitor. "All right it's time for our staff meeting…Why is Cyril hitting his head against the wall?"
"He just realized his dreams were never going to happen," Pam told her.
"I thought he'd be used to it by now," Mallory blinked.
"Mallory…" Lana could barely hide her grin. "Robert proposed. And I said yes!"
"Look at the damn rock on her finger!" Pam showed Mallory Lana's hand. "You could use that as a hockey puck!"
"Lana's marrying Robert?" Mallory was shocked. "Damn it! I had Cyril in the betting pool! I should have known not to bet on the long shot!"
"Hey!" Cyril barked. "Don't you have anything else to say?"
Mallory nodded. "Yes. Welcome to the Big Leagues Lana."
"Just read that pre-nup very carefully," Ray cautioned her. "Very carefully!"
"That's good advice," Krieger nodded.
"Lana let me give you some more advice," Mallory told her. "One word. Jewelry. Buy as much as you can on the side. Put it in a safe deposit box and don't tell your husband."
"Why?" Lana did a double take.
"Let's just call it a rainy-day fund and leave it at that," Mallory groaned. "I don't want to ruin your day by telling you the odds of you marrying Robert are astronomical enough. But the odds of you outlasting him and getting all his money…Fifty-fifty actually. But still..."
"Thank you for not ruining it," Lana said sarcastically.
"And if your husband gives you any spending money," Mallory counseled. "Don't spend all of it! Squirrel away as much as you can. Even if it's as low as twenty to a hundred dollars. Trust me. It adds up. Put it in a bank account. In the Cayman Islands preferably."
"Yeah Mallory…" Lana began.
"But also have a secret cash reserve hidden," Mallory went on. "You never know when you have to pack up and run out in a hurry. Put it in a box of pads. Men never look there. Not tampons. Tampons rattle. Pads don't. They're more consistent with money. And don't forget to put a few actual pads on top. It's good not just for being a decoy. Sometimes your bad luck coincides with your menstrual cycle. Trust me it happens! I found out the hard way in Panama."
"That's actually good advice," Pam admitted.
"And believe me, it's always the bad month," Mallory groaned. "You know the month you bleed more than the other? It's like one of your ovaries is working overtime or something."
"What happened in Panama?" Lana asked.
"I was shacked up with this dictator the CIA was protecting for some stupid reason," Mallory admitted. "It was a blissful two weeks. Until his wife came back. With an army right behind her. And several tanks. And of course, Aunt Flo arrived that very day as well. That was a messy extraction in more ways than one."
"So, Lana," Cyril paused. "I'm guessing you're quitting The Agency to pursue a life of leisure?"
"Wrong again Not So Amazing Figgis," Lana said. "I'm staying an agent. I don't see how being married can change anything."
"Keep thinking that," Mallory chuckled to herself.
"Why are you staying on at the agency?" Cheryl asked. "You're getting married to a rich guy!"
"Because I love my job," Lana told her. "As crazy as it sounds. Plus, I don't want to be one of those women who just rely on their husband for money. And Robert supports that."
"Smart," Mallory nodded. "The best protection a married woman has is her own income."
"Thank you, Sylvia Fowler," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Because God knows you are going to screw this up somehow," Mallory added.
"Duh!" Cheryl snickered.
"Again honey," Ray said. "Watch the wording in that pre-nup!"
"Listen to Gillette," Mallory nodded. "Oh, another important thing. If you have a diary, don't leave it around. Either lock it up in a safe deposit box at the bank or burn it! Trust me on this one!"
"Robert and I have talked about my past," Lana told her. "We both believe in openness and honesty in a marriage."
"HA!" Mallory snickered. "Right!"
"Robert and I believe in being a team," Lana was stunned.
"Oh yeah," Mallory laughed. "I'm sure you do!"
"And AJ loves him," Lana said.
"That's because he gives her toys every time he sees her!" Cyril barked. "Lana don't you think you're rushing into this a little fast? I mean it's one thing to move on from a past relationship. It's another thing to move into marriage!"
"I know what I'm doing Cyril," Lana snapped.
"Probably not," Mallory shrugged. "But if people knew what they were doing, no one would get married in the first place. I know I wouldn't have. Congratulations Lana. I'll find you a nice lawyer to check that pre-nup for you."
"Mallory…" Lana began.
"Trust me on this one Lana!" Mallory told her. "Just, trust me on this one. Oh, and another piece of advice. Never put your apartment into your husband's name. No matter how tempting it is for him to pay all the taxes."
"That one I figured out," Lana nodded.
"Hang on," Pam realized something. "Are we on speaker phone?"
"Uh yes…" Mallory gave her a look. "Why?"
"Do you think Archer heard what we were saying?" Pam asked as she pointed to her son behind her.
"He's in a coma. I'm sure he won't even realize anything," Mallory sighed. "Or care…"
Sometime later in Archer's mind….
On the Starship Seamus…
"MHFFFFFHHHH!" Starship Co-Captain Lana struggled as a crazed Archer choked her with a magazine.