Love Struck Delusion
Chapter 6 – And Through The Life That Is Mine.
Raptor's POV, Dr. Clamer's office.
Silence.
Dr. Clamer was an artist at making me silent.
We both sat there. Looking at one another. Now mind you this was the way it was the moment I walked in. sometimes I think Dr. Clamer can see what I'm thinking. Just the way his eyes stared into me told me this.
Gently lifting up my back and allowing myself the comfort of posture. I took a look to his side to ask.
"Are you a fan of war doc?"
He took this as a surprise. I could tell by the way he looked at me the second the words left my mouth.
"War Raptor?" He said with a slight hint of sass as I nodded my head in response.
Gently giving me his gaze once again, I looked to his facial movements for the answer.
He seemed lost on the answer however. I don't know if he wanted to answer the question per say.
After a few docile seconds of his absent mind, Dr. Clamer came back to ask.
"Are you? A fan I mean?" He wondered as I let myself think.
"Well I don't know doc."
"Why don't you know Raptor? You were part of a war weren't you?" He Questioned as I nodded and got my glare back to him.
"Of course I was. It's something I will never forget." I stated as he quickly came back to say.
"Never forget, or can't forget?"
My mind left as he restated.
"From what I can see in you so far Raptor, I can see your a little lost on your path. Just by your first question alone I could see this is a subject worth talking about with you. So why don't you tell me. Are you a...fan of war?"
Dr. Clamer fell silent with his notepad at the ready as I gathered my thoughts to softly reply.
"Sometimes I think I am. But other times I'm on edge and wanting to forget."
"Forget about what?" He wondered as I stopped to think.
"Ahhhhh...well how about the killing for one?" I replied as he came back to answer.
"That's a good idea. Let's talk about the killing. How do you feel about taking the life of another Raptor?"
The question caused me to stop in my train of thought, and Clamer knew it. He could see it in me as I slowly replied in confusion.
"I don't really know. I mean I know it's wrong. I know it's a sin, but it's also a way of life doc." I stated as he nodded and replied.
"Please explain."
Catching my breath I stated.
"Killing has grown upon the world these days. I mean look around. People are always dying. Getting shot. Getting burned, tortured, stabbed. And for what? So far doc the only reasons I've seen these past few years is ether A, money. Or B, plain insanity."
"But it was different before in the war I'm guessing?" Questioned Dr. Clamer as I immediately nodded and replied.
"It was necessary."
"How so?" He questioned as I calmly took my moment to explain.
"Back in the war its ether killed or be killed. I mean both the rebellion and G.U.N had to do that. It wasn't the cold war doc. This was a real war. People had to die in order to get here now."
"In a rational response Raptor, how many people do you think you have killed over your lifetime?"
"Do you mean just in the war?" I questioned as he raised his hands to reply quickly.
"Well if you have killed before I would like to know, but you tell me. How many do you think? How many lives have you taken Raptor?"
I crouched over myself in my seat as he watched in interest on ether the truth or the lie that was about to come out of my mouth.
After a silent minute of thinking, I came back to reply as truthful as I could.
"A few dozen at best."
"Any recent?" Wondered Clamer as I shook my head.
"No. I stopped that back when I left Pakistan over twelve years ago."
"You haven't hurt a single person since then?" Questioned Clamer as I nodded.
"Yeah. Believe it or not doc I've been a good boy. No blood on my hands."
"What about all the blood of the others you've killed Raptor?" Questioned Clamer as I took a moment to think.
Doctor Clamer was a smart man. He had me corrected on this.
"I mean...I still feel responsible for their deaths, but in the end I feel justified about it."
"How?" Wondered Clamer as I quickly replied.
"I would have been killed if I hadn't killed them first. It's that simple."
"It's simple in war?" Marveled Clamer as I nodded.
"It has to be doc. Otherwise you get deluded and confused about your reasons."
"Then you die?" He wondered as I nodded.
"Then you die."
Both of us fell silent and I remained seated as he got up to grab something from one of his draws along the side of his desk.
I watched in interest as he came back with a revolver.
"My father gave this to me back when I was ten. Said it would come in handy one day if I ever found myself in a jam. Yet want to know something Raptor?" He asked in a calm tone as I nodded and watched as he took out the bullets.
"I never had to use it. And as you can imagine I find myself in all sorts of trouble daily."
"Oh really!?" I questioned with laughter as he nodded.
"Really! You would be surprised how much trouble a well educated and good looking man such as myself, gets into around these parts." Stated Clamer as I still chuckled slightly.
Watching from my seat as he came over with the bullets in hand, I cupped my palms as he urged.
"Hold these for a second, would you."
Letting the six small rounds rest gently in my hands, I looked to him as he retook his position.
Gently placing the gun next to him, he looked to me to then say.
"Now. I want you to take one of the bullets for me and tell me about one person you ether killed or has been killed during the war, and I want you to tell me why they stand out in your memory."
I then let my eyes wonder back down to my palm, and upon taking one of the bullets from my grip, I replied.
"Well...Shadow."
Nodding. Dr. Clamer then asked.
"Why?"
Letting the bullet fall onto the couch next to me, I replied.
"He was like a brother to me doc. Not one day went by when I wasn't at his side or him to mine. I remember I had some of my best times with him. And even just talking to the guy made me feel better. Even if the conversation went south half the time. I at least knew that I could go to him and feel apart from the war. And sometimes it's just what you need to do to be able to keep fighting and hoping the world will change one day."
"How did he die?" Asked Dr. Clamer as I quickly replied.
"You know how he died doc."
"How?" He asked again but with more force to it, as I stared at him to reply.
"He shot himself in the side of the head with a M1911, forty five APC round."
Nodding now, Clamer then asked.
"Go on to the next."
Taking another one of the bullets from my palm, I took a moment to think of who was next in line.
"Ahhhhh...Ghost."
Giving me a confused look, Clamer questioned.
"Your son?"
Shaking my head near immediately, I replied.
"No. But he is the reason my son is named Ghost. He was Shadow's best friend up till he was killed."
"So why is he important to you?" Wondered Clamer as I calmly replied.
"He's important to me, because he was one of my best friends. Best friend and part of my team. But then again so were a lot of people who are no longer left standing today."
"How did he die?" Asked Clamer in a calm tone as I got the bullet down next to Shadow's.
As I took my time, I began to notice Clamer was staring deep at me. I had to lie to protect Shadow here, but I don't know if it would slide by him.
Taking my chances, I replied.
"He was shot during a mission gone wrong."
"Can you tell me about it?" Wondered Clamer as I nodded slowly.
"It was a late night and Ghost and the rest of my guys were out on a recon job just before the final attack on G.U.N's commander Reacher."
"Were you there?" Wondered Clamer as I shook my head.
"No. I was back at the base providing Intel and watching over the comms."
"So what went wrong?" Questioned Clamer as I took a moment to think.
"They knew we were coming somehow and an ambush was laid out before we could reach the observation point. I lost a good man that day."
Dr. Clamer nodded very slowly as I looked at the next bullet.
"Now I want you to tell me one thing about Shadow and Ghost that made them unique to you."
This didn't take long.
Taking the third bullet from my palm and placing it next to Shadow's, I replied.
"Shadow could always control the rebellion. No matter the state at which it was in at that moment. He never let anyone down and I don't think he even knew how much of a hero he was to the people around him."
"So he was a people person." Stated Clamer as I nodded.
"You could say that."
"Now how about Ghost?" Wondered Clamer as I placed the fourth round next to Ghost's bullet.
"Ghost was never afraid to speak up to others. Even his betters. Even if he was wrong half the time. I never knew he was the type to take charge, but near the end I saw that in him, and he should have had more say in the ops. Maybe if I gave him that he would still be alive today."
Letting my head lower, I listened as Clamer then said.
"Now take the last two and give me one thing you hated about them."
I fell silent.
Dr. Clamer immediately noticed and added.
"It doesn't have to be deep Raptor."
Shaking my head slowly, I replied.
"No, I think it's best to get it out there."
Clamer nodded and prepared a note as I started with Shadow.
"When it came to Shadow and I, I never saw eye to eye with his feelings. I regret that, but he always put himself down towards the best parts of the war. Even when we won he still was depressed about his life. He never thought he did anything for the Middle East and it made me so mad when he would talk crazy about himself. As if he was dead already and no one could admit it to him. Never once has he done wrong by me and the people he has supported and he still hasn't. If I could, I would have tried to have been better at controlling my feelings and more applied to his."
Clamer took a long note as he slowly looked back up at me to continue.
Letting my hand rush through my quills, I started.
"Ghost and I worked well together to a point. But as soon as things got a little too heated and he started feeling the burn, he turned into a rash man. Always complaining and always pushing for change when things were working just fine. I could never get a clear answer from the guy as to what was his issue, but I know he still tried his best to look after me. Whenever I was down he would be by my side till I was back up and that's one thing I can't forget or forgive to him. Even when I didn't want the attention he still gave it and that made me crazy. But the thing that really was the issue between us was our points on what was real in our lives and what was important now."
"How so?" Wondered Clamer as he continued to jot notes down in front of him.
Taking a bite off my lip, I came to reply.
"Ghost saw Shadow as the issue to all his problems in the world and I saw it as him just being rash. Shadow relied on him at times, but not as bad as Ghost made it out to be. I always supported Shadow and Ghost hated me for it, but in the end he knew I was right."
"So you just don't like people going against Shadow?" Questioned Clamer as I nodded.
Quickly getting up to take the bullets back, Clamer then questioned.
"But you still wondered at points of the war if Shadow was making the right call or not, right?"
"Of course. That's what a leader has to do. He may not have been right all the time, but it was my job to follow. I knew what to do to get it done and he knew how to twist it. It may have hit points in the war where we both went neck to neck, but in the end we both came to the final outcome. Winning the war."
Clamer retook his seat and I remained in mine as he loaded the first bullet and put the rest back in his desk.
"I want you to do something for me Raptor." He stated as I looked to him.
"I want you to go home and think about Shadow. Come up with the pros and the cons of how he was as a leader. What he did right, what he did wrong. Everything. Once you have it all together we can pursue."
"Pursue what?" I questioned as he loaded the gun.
"Pursue what life has taught you about leaders."
I went silent as he now stood back up to offer me his hand.
"That is it for today. Very good job Raptor." He stated as I got up to take his hand.
The gun remained on his side as we shook, and as I released he asked.
"How about you come back Tuesday? By then we both will have some more to work on with one another."
Nodding my head with a slight smile, I replied.
"Sounds good doc."
Escorting me now to the door, Clamer stated.
"Just be sure to rest up and spend some time with the kids from time to time."
"I'll try. I got to get them to wana be near me first."
"In time Raptor." Replied Clamer as I exited the room.
"One can hope." I stated as I made my way off towards the exit to his office.
Clamer watched as I made my way down the hall, and as I turned for the exit, he took his care to shut the door.
Gently heading back out to the sun and to my car, I got back in to check my phone.
During my talk with Clamer I had missed a call from Alicia.
Quickly speed dialing her cell, I remained parked as she answered with a question.
"Hey, where are you?"
"I just got done at the doctors' why?" I questioned as she came back to say.
"I thought you left already to go see Hannon."
"No I'm on my way now. I'll be back late tonight. If anything happens I'll call you." I stated as she replied.
"Okay. Be careful Raptor. I love you."
"I love you too. And I will. Kiss Ghost and Midnight goodnight if I don't get back to see them to bed."
"I will." She stated as I smiled to myself.
"Alright, I got to go now." I replied with a gentle tone as she softly replied.
"Be careful. And tell Hannon I said hi when you see him." Urged Alicia as I nodded and got the car started.
"I will. I see you later baby."
"You better. Love you."
"Love you too." I stated with a smile.
"Bye."
"Bye." I replied as I hung up the phone.
Calmly getting myself together, I made my way back out onto the road to see the sun up high above my head.
"By the time I reach Pakistan it will be going down. Best I get moving now." I said to myself as I got off down the road.
As the heat began to build around me, I wondered how long it would take if G.U.N already hasn't, to take back control over the Capital. Cause if it's too late and they are already there, then Hannon and this trip may be worth nothing.
Sorry Guys I've been really busy with school and a lot of other problems. Please review if you can. thank you so much.
mT Shadow