Waiting
Disclaimer: The movie and its characters don't belong to me. They belong to their rightful owners and I'm just borrowing them for this story.
A/N: So... it all started when I saw that one scene in "Rogue Nation" where Ethan wakes up after nearly dying and seeing Benji in front of him. I don't want to spoil too much for the story but I guess (or hope) you'll understand what my mind thought of. Please enjoy the story! SPOILERS for "Rogue Nation" included.
~ Waiting ~
"Ethan..."
A soft voice, calling his name, echoed through the darkness.
"Ethan."
He wasn't sure whether the voice's origin was right next to him or in a distant place. One second he could swear that it was only a few inches away from his ear, the next it seemed too far away to even reach it.
"Open your eyes, Ethan."
That voice. He knew it. He knew it by heart... then why couldn't he tell who the owner of it was? Maybe it would help if he opened his eyes to look around. But his eyelids just felt way too heavy. In fact... it weren't just his eyelids feeling that way but his whole body. He wasn't able to move. Why? Why couldn't he move?
"It's alright, Ethan. You're gonna be okay. Just open your eyes."
Ethan would have liked to laugh out bitterly, hearing that statement. How could that voice tell him that everything was alright when he couldn't move a muscle?! Who was that person to...
A light interrupted his way of thoughts. He could feel his eyes flattering, trying to open by themselves. There was nothing he could do against it.
"Yes, that's right. Open your eyes for me."
A few more blinks and his eyes had adjusted to the brightness all around him and an image was slowly forming in front of him. At first it was just the silhouette of a person but then he finally recognized it to be...
"Benji?"
The Brit was right next to him - or actually above him since Ethan was still lying on the ground - smiling down.
"Hey, Ethan", he greeted him, placing one hand on his shoulder and offering the other to help him stand up. Still confused, Ethan once again blinked a few times, staring at the hand. What was going on? What had happened in first place? He couldn't remember anything.
"What... what happened? Where are we?"
He finally took the offered hand, surprised of the sudden ability to move again, and slowly sat up. He turned his head, looking around. It seemed like they were in an old abandoned warehouse or something like that.
An image flashed through Ethan's mind.
He was standing in front of a ruined building, his eyes searching for a way to get in without using the front entrance. He didn't want to be seen by... by someone.
He couldn't remember who he'd been searching for or why. But what he did remember was that it had something to do with a mission because he saw a familiar looking van standing in a short distance.
"You... don't remember?"
Benji's voice called him back into reality and he looked at the other man whose smile was slowly fading. Instead, there was something else in his eyes.
Sadness.
Why? Why was he sad that Ethan didn't remember? Was it because of the mission? Had he let his team down and couldn't remember it now? No... He surely would remember that, right? He would know if he had done anything to endanger or hurt his team.
"Benji, what-"
He stopped, surprised, because Benji suddenly wrapped his arms around him, pressing him close to his chest. He felt the warm body, a wellknown smell filled his nose and - though he didn't know why - he felt like he just found something he had been missing way too long. Tears gathered in his eyes and he couldn't stop them slowly streaming down his cheeks. Why? Why was he crying?
Another image appeared in front of his eyes.
Benji. Ethan held him in his arms, tears streaming down his face. There was blood. So much blood. On Ethan's hands, clothes and worst of all... on Benji. It covered his hair, his jacket and his throat. Benji's throat. Realization hit him. The blood was streaming out of a stab wound...
What? Ethan shook his head in disbelief. What kind of memory was that just now? It didn't make any sense. All the blood, the injury, the fear the flashback had caused him to feel... Benji would be dead if that scene was true. But... he wasn't. He was right here, holding Ethan in his arms, wasn't he? It was all just so confusing.
Ethan carefully lifted one hand to touch one of the tears on his left cheek, wiping it away. Then he softly grabbed Benji's arm, causing the Brit to set him loose. Their eyes met and Ethan could see a glimmer in the other man's eyes too. He seemed about to cry any moment.
"Benji-"
Named man closed his eyes and simply shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Ethan. You saw it, didn't you? I didn't mean to remind you of it."
Ethan's eyes narrowed in confusion. What was Benji talking about? This was way too much for his blurred mind to take right now.
"Of what?"
Benji's eyes opened and he looked at Ethan, one tear eventually leaving his eye.
"So you don't remember that either, do you?"
Ethan slowly shook his head. Whatever it was that Benji was talking about, he didn't understand.
"Ethan...", the blond man hesitantly started his explanation. He swallowed hard, before forcing a soft but sad smile on his face.
"I'm dead."
Ethan's body immediately froze in shock. He merely stared at Benji, trying to proceed the words he had heard just now. It... it couldn't be true. Benji... had to be joking. Yeah, for sure... it was probably a bad prank of his. Ethan laughed, still a bit insecure.
"Now, come on, Benji. Stop talking that kind of nonsense. You're not dead. 'Cause if you were, I wouldn't be able to touch and talk to you, would I?"
Benji's eyes wandered down to the floor, avoiding Ethan's questioning look. It seemed like he couldn't look at his friend, couldn't tell him what else was bothering him.
"Ethan, I... I died five months ago. I... we were on that mission in Paris to find the plans for a dangerous new poison."
Ethan shook his head. A part of him remembered something. The Eiffel Tower, a small alleyway, Benji who was lying on the ground, blood gathering all around his body.
"No...", a choked whisper escaped his mouth as the memory became much clearer now.
"I was searching for you because you didn't copy. But one member of our enemy's group was already waiting in that alley. We fought... and I... I recognized the knife he pulled out of his jacket way too late."
"No, no, no..." Ethan shook his head, eyes shut in desperation. He only opened them when he felt Benji's hand squeezing his shoulder. He was still forcing that strange smile on his lips.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. I'm fine. I... it's not that bad to be dead."
Ethan could still feel tears running down his cheeks. Not that bad?! How could Benji say something like that? He was dead! He was dead because Ethan didn't protect him. He lost his life in such a cruel way by slowly bleeding out in a dark, dirty alleyway. And Ethan didn't save him. He didn't take care of him like he had promised. So how could he say that it wasn't that bad?
"I'm sorry, Benji. I- I'm so sorry. I... failed you."
This time it was Benji who shook his head.
"No, you didn't. I don't blame you, Ethan. It's not your fault. It was a mission we didn't know would end up like this. But it was still just a mission. I knew the risks, I already told you once, didn't I? So... I died doing my job. I died trying to protect this world. That's a good thing I suppose."
And while saying these words his smile wasn't sad or put on. It was an honest smile, filled with pride and happiness.
"Benji..."
He squeezed Ethan's shoulder once again, giving him a reassuring nod.
"I mean it, Ethan. It's okay."
The older agent slowly nodded too, understanding. He put his hand on Benji's... and realized that something was still strange about this whole situation.
"But... if you're dead, then why am able to touch your hand?", he asked, confused.
Benji let out a sigh. His smile faded as he turned his head to the right. Ethan followed his eyes and saw a strange figure lying a few feet away from them.
In trance, Ethan slowly stood up, walked towards the body he hadn't realized until now. His steps felt heavy, like his feet didn't want to go there. And when he reached his point of interest, he knew why.
The body.
It was... Ethan's body. Not moving, staring at him with a blank expression, a hole in his forehead. Dried blood was all around the wound the bullet had left.
Ethan swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say or do. He just stood there until another flashback appeared in front of his inner eye.
He'd found it! Ethan finally held the case in his hands! The case which contained the plans and the first potions of poison the criminals had stolen and produced. The mission was accomplished. He just had to get the case out of the building. He was going to finish his job... and then he'd avenge Benji. The men would pay for what they had done. Ethan clenched his open hand into a fist and turned around, only to see a man standing at the door, pointing a gun at him.
Ethan looked down at his motionless body. The case was still in his hand. His eyes wandered over to the door where another body was lying on the floor. Right... he had reacted just in time. The man... and Ethan... they had shot each other.
Ethan heard footsteps racing towards the room and he froze when he saw Luther, standing in the doorway. The agent was staring at him. No, not at him. He was staring through him, watching his dead body.
"Ethan!"
Luther rushed over to his lifeless figure, kneeling down beside it. He slowly shook his head.
"No. You can't do that to me. Not after Benji..."
Luther's voice was hoarse, broken. Ethan had never heard his friend like that before. It broke his heart to see him so devastated.
A shocked gasp caught his attention and he once again looked at the doorway.
Brandt and Ilsa were standing there. So they had been part of the mission too. They slowly joined Luther and Ilsa couldn't help but sob, letting Brandt pull her into a hug, stroking her hair soothingly.
"I'm sorry", Ethan silently whispered. He couldn't bare to see his friends like that. He turned around. Had Benji seen the same? Had he felt the way Ethan did right now?
The look in his friend's eyes told him everything. This... wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to watch his friends mourning over his death. And if Benji had seen the same image when he died...
"How? How could you bear all that sadness caused by your death?", Ethan quietly asked and Benji took a few steps forward, stopping right next to him.
"I knew that you had them. I knew that someone would look after you, would give you comfort. I knew that you weren't alone with that feeling of grief and desperation."
Once again, he smiled softly, watching their team.
"They still have each other, Ethan. I'm not saying that they won't miss us or that they won't mourn. All I'm trying to say is that they'll get over it... together."
Ethan looked at him, suddenly realizing what Benji must have felt when he died.
"I'm sorry", he said moreover and Benji gave him a confused glance.
"You're right. The living have each other. Grief binds them together in a way that nothing else can. The people they lost on the other hand... They are all alone, watching their loved ones cry. There's nobody they can share their own sadness with. So... I'm sorry for leaving you alone."
"Ethan... Please, don't get me wrong, I didn't want you to die."
Ethan shook his head, placing one hand on Benji's shoulder.
"I know, Benji. Yet still, you were waiting for me all this time, weren't you?"
He remembered the months after Benji's death. It had felt like someone was following him, was guiding him through the darkness. Like someone... was watching over him, making sure he didn't do something careless or stupid. He didn't understand it... until now.
"I couldn't leave this world without you, Ethan. It just felt... wrong. I swore to be with you until the end."
Ethan could see a white light behind his friend who turned around to look at it too. It was shining so bright and warm that Ethan longed to see what was behind it.
"I guess this the end then", he said, glancing at his living friends one more time. Right now it looked like his death would tear them apart, like it would destroy them. But Ethan knew that Benji's words were true. They had each other. They would move on. And he was sure that he'd see them again one day. But now... it was time to leave.
"Let's go", he said, offering Benji a hand, smiling. And Benji returned the smile as he took his hand.
Together they started walking towards the light but Ethan suddenly stopped.
"Hey", he said and Benji turned around to look at him.
"Thanks for waiting for me."
Benji softly chuckled.
"Always."