AN: this ended up running out of control but i couldn't be happier with the results these two are such dORKS in this au and i won't apologise for it uwu

"Am I your lock screen?" "You weren't supposed to see that."

"Roy could you get that?" Riza called from the bathroom. There was no answer. Huffing in frustration she quickly rinsed the shampoo from her hair. This call was important, one she had been waiting on all morning and afternoon. The minute she had stepped in the shower, her phone rang. Typical.

"Roy!"

He better not be asleep, Riza thought to herself. He had a knack of falling asleep any time, any place, and she had just left him five minutes ago to go shower to prepare for her night out with Rebecca Catalina. Ringing her hair out hurriedly, she called his name again, desperate for an answer. She contemplated grabbing a towel to answer it herself.

Roy started on the couch, his body jerking at the rude awakening. Towards the end of his dream there had been an incessant ringing and buzzing in his ear, trying to disturb his peace.

"Roy!" Riza tried one last time, letting her irritation show.

"What?" he yelled back, irritated. His eyes closed of their own accord, fighting the sleep which had a tight hold on him.

"The phone!"

"What about it?" he groaned, cracking an eye open to glare at the offending piece of technology. It was so loud. It was unnecessary.

"For God's sake, answer it!"

Roy sighed and blindly felt for her phone and slid to answer, not even bothering to look at who was calling. Riza had mentioned something about an important call but for the life of him he couldn't remember who it was that would be calling her.

"Hello?" he asked, voice thick with sleep, trying not to sound too rude towards the person who had disrupted his slumber.

Before he heard the other person's answer, the phone was plucked from his grasp. Water dripped on his hand and down his arm. Confused, Roy craned his neck to look up at Riza who was standing beside him in nothing but a towel.

Now he was awake.

After the whole fiasco with Dickhead Dan, Riza had moved into his apartment fairly quickly. It started off by her just stealing the odd hoodie. Then she claimed space in the bathroom for her toothbrush with the excuse that the majority of the meals he cooked contained far too many onions and far too much garlic – he liked them both, so sue him. The rest was history and now it was two years later.

The best two years of Roy's life, if he was being perfectly honest.

Sleep continued to hold its grip on him, and his eyes drifted closed as Riza continued to talk. He listened to the sound of it, letting her guide him back to unconsciousness. He found comfort in everything she did and listening to her voice was no different. Within a few seconds he felt himself losing his grip on reality once more.

The phone hit him square on the chest. Roy grunted in pain, eyes blearily making their way open once more.

"Let me rest, woman," he grumbled.

"Thanks for answering the phone for me like I asked," she bit back, but there was amusement in her tone. She had re-entered the living room, clothed and towelling her hair dry. Roy yawned loudly, stretching on the couch after sitting up. Cool air brushed over his now exposed abdomen and he shivered.

"Listen…" He found he had no answer to give her. It was Saturday afternoon, so it wasn't like he'd had a tiring day at work. Perhaps it was their night time activities making him more lethargic during the day, but there was no way in hell he was going to put a stop to that.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly, sitting next to him. She pecked his cheek with a grin, her demeanour changing since she answered the phone. Perhaps she had noticed just how tired he was. Not that he was trying – or able – to hide it.

"Why was it so important?" he asked, changing the course of the conversation. "I know I asked already," he added quickly to dispel any comment about his inability to pay attention. He would have been able to concentrate if Riza hadn't woken him up at six – still, she was unable to sleep past half six in the morning – with a temptation whispered in his ear that was so great, Roy was awake within a second.

Riza's face softened. "It was my grandfather. He's in town tomorrow and asked if we could possible meet up for lunch. I haven't seen him in over twenty years so… This is going to be special. I didn't want to miss his call because I have no way of returning it."

"Surely you could call him back?"

She shook her head. "He works very high up in the government and was calling from work. There's no way to take an incoming call in his office."

"Now I see why you wanted me to answer it," he stated the obvious.

One corner of Riza's mouth quirked upwards. "I just…" She clasped her hands together, crossing her legs as she stared down at them. She was fully facing Roy now, her wet hair swept over one shoulder. "It's been so long and he's the only family I have left. I didn't want to mess it up."

Roy grasped her hand, giving it a squeeze. "You won't," he reassured her, stifling another yawn.

"How are you so tired today?" she asked suddenly, still amused.

"Someone woke me up too early this morning." He shot her a pointed look.

Riza looked unashamed. "I didn't hear you complaining. In fact, you did the opposite," she grinned.

"Very funny," he replied sarcastically, narrowing his eyes at her when she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Is it so wrong to rest my eyes for two seconds?" he asked, leaning back and closing them once more. He crossed his ankles, stretching his legs out as he sat on the couch, clasping his hands on his stomach.

"Two seconds?" he heard her reply. "No. An hour and a half? On a Saturday afternoon? When we're both off work?" She was still grinning so he couldn't be in too much trouble. "Yes."

He cracked one eye open. "I –" He had no further answer to give because yes, that sounded like him. Riza laughed at his expression and Roy couldn't stop himself from grinning at the sound.

"Anyway, I'm going to get ready, then you can sleep in peace. Rebecca will kill me if I'm late."

"Riza Hawkeye? Late for anything in her life ever? You're having a laugh."

"Well, actually…" Roy cracked an eye open again, noticing the change in her tone. It had become more subdued, bordering on worried. He turned his head, opening both eyes, taking in her slightly fearful expression. She offered no further explanation, instead her eyes flitted left and right before dropping to the floor, her shoulders hunching slightly.

"Riza?" he asked, concerned, sitting up. "What is it? What's wrong?" He hadn't seen her like this since…

Well, since the night he had punched Dickhead Dan in the face.

"I… I am… late."

"For what?" Roy asked after a pause, his brain not slotting the pieces into place. When her head lifted and he saw her face, it still didn't click.

"You know," she urged, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I'm late."

Suddenly, everything became crystal clear. His stomach didn't just drop, it torpedoed all the way into the centre of the earth, leaving him gaping at his girlfriend in his living room without it.

He stuttered, his brain trying to formulate anything to say to her.

Late… Late. As in… Pregna…

"Roy, I'm kidding."

As Riza broke out into barking laughter he threw the couch pillow at her as hard as he could. "Not funny!" he yelled to her retreating form. She was still cackling away as he heard the bathroom door close.

"Maybe not to you," she giggled.

Grumbling, he lay back on the cushions, trying to calm his racing heart.

"Pregnant," he muttered under his breath, stifling the feeling of fear that came with that word. Of course, that was ultimately the end game, however he was much too young and unprepared to deal with something like a child right now. Most would argue he was a child himself, and that it was a good thing Riza had come along when she did "to take care of him". Of course, Catalina had laughed heartily at that.

Speaking of, Riza's phone – which had slid off his chest when Roy sat up – was face up and the screen lit up with a notification of a text from Catalina. What really drew his attention was the photo on the lock screen. All thought of her previous cruel joke was cast aside, and his face softened.

It was taken by Riza when they were on holiday in Aerugo. He was on the beach, the sea in front of him as he looked to the left, sunglasses on his face. He hadn't been too far away when she took it, but far enough so his whole body and back fit the length of her screen.

He had been pulling dumb poses simply because it had made Riza laugh while she snapped away. This one, however, had been a quiet moment after all the hilarity. He'd thought Riza was dozing on the sun lounger and had just spent a quiet moment admiring the sea before him, the sun turning the surface to diamonds. He distinctly remembered thinking how lucky he was to be in this situation with the woman he loved. Come to think of it, he had stood and returned to the sun loungers to find a sleeping Riza.

Had she been faking it? he wondered, scandalised.

Vainly, he thought just how good his shirtless back looked, however what really dominated his thoughts was the fact that Riza had chosen that photo in particular to set as her lock screen. He chuckled. Someone liked what they saw, and that worked wonders for his ego.

"Am I your lock screen?" he asked when she entered the room again, holding up the phone and feeling too pleased with himself when her cheeks turned bright red. It was adorable but at the same time karma was a bitch and it was her turn to be the butt of a joke.

"You weren't supposed to see that," she muttered, trying to snatch the phone out of his hands. Roy, of course, leapt up from the couch and held it above his head. They were the same height so he didn't doubt she would be able to reach it. The method she would use to attempt to retrieve her phone, Roy was unsure. It begun to buzz in his hand, the screen lighting up with an incoming call and a picture of Catalina. "Give it back," she demanded.

"Ah, ah," he tutted, holding it even further away from her grabbing hands. "Why this one in particular?" he teased as he grinned. "And how long has it been that one? I thought it was that photo of us both in Creta."

"It is," she stressed, still trying in vain to retrieve her phone and end the embarrassment. Roy wouldn't let that happen, however. He was having too much fun.

"This one isn't from Creta."

"Thank you Captain Obvious. It's a slideshow," she elaborated, sighing exasperatedly and rolling her eyes. "I just never expected you to see that one in particular."

"Like what you see that much?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows. Riza huffed in response, her cheeks turning a shade of pink. Roy just laughed at her expense. That, however, only made her more irritated. It couldn't have been that bad though, because Roy could see the smile threatening to break through on her face. "Karma is a bitch, Riza Hawkeye, and it's time you learned that."

"Roy," she scolded, trying again to reach for her phone, but her amusement leaked through. "Give me it. You know how she gets when you don't answer her calls."

"Exactly," he grinned. "And I don't have to deal with it all night, but you do."

It was an unexpected course of action Riza used, but one Roy appreciated for its creativity. She stepped onto his couch and leapt onto his back, clinging to it like a monkey. Roy half laughed, half grunted, disbelief taking over so she could effortlessly pluck the phone from his flailing hand and slid to answer, not moving from the spot on his back.

"Hey, Rebecca," she greeted warmly, unconcerned she was still hanging onto him. Roy had been bent over at the waist by her weight and was now standing, back flat, and arms outstretched to keep Riza balanced on his back so she didn't fall. Riza remained in place, apparently very comfortable, just chilling out on his back.

"Riza," he said pointedly, indicating she should get off.

She ignored him.

"Oh, nothing. He's just pouting because I won something."

"That makes a change," Roy heard her sarcastic reply. Instead of pouting, his brow furrowed.

"You didn't win," he grumbled quietly, still talking towards the floor. He tried to straighten but Riza dug her fingers into his ribs. Roy jerked and laughed loudly, protesting. He shuffled backwards, trying to escape her fingers as they continued to dig into his ribs, but it was to no avail. It was an effort to keep her from falling off. He gripped the back's of her thighs, stopping her from crashing into the coffee table and banging her head.

"What's going on over there?" Catalina asked.

"Justice," Riza replied simply. Roy could hear the wicked grin in her voice. Sure enough, he craned his neck around and saw it on her face.

"You're mean," he pouted, sticking his bottom lip out.

"Shouldn't have tried to steal my phone," she shrugged.

"Do I need to call back at a later time or? Do you guys need a room for a few minutes?"

Riza snickered. "No, we don't. I think I've put Roy off that for a few weeks," she giggled.

He huffed and used all his strength to stand up straight, his back protesting painfully as Riza wrapped one arm across his chest and her legs wrapped around his waist, cementing her place against him like a spider monkey. In any other circumstance Roy would be thoroughly enjoying this, but it was true, Riza had put him off any kind of activity in the bedroom after her joke –

Oh, who was he kidding, he was absolutely enjoying the feeling of Riza's body pressed against his back as she continued to talk to Catalina as if nothing was amiss.

Roy grunted as he shifted, trying to ease the pain in his legs. His thighs were beginning to burn. Instead of climbing down like a normal person, Riza just shifted her grip as she continued to speak.

"Riza," he tried again.

"Yeah, just a minute. I'm comfy."

She snickered when she felt him freeze.

"That's it," he muttered, shrugging his shoulders to try and shift her grip. Of course, Riza just gripped tighter. Trying another tactic, he turned towards the couch and bent low and bucked, tickling her behind the knees to loosen her grip on him. He tried to flip her over his head, and it worked. She shrieked, piercing his eardrum with the volume. It's a wonder Roy didn't hear Catalina protest through the earpiece.

Roy straightened, staring down at a dishevelled Riza on his couch, staring back up at him as she laughed and felt something different from pride at his expertly hatched plan stir inside him.

"It's a wonder Catalina didn't comment on that."

"She hung up ages ago."

"What?" he asked in disbelief, breathing hard after his escape attempt, hands moving from his hips to falling loose by his sides.

"Yeah, I just wanted to see what you would do," Riza replied, her own chest rising and falling as she breathed hard. There was a glint in her eye, showing her mischievous streak.

Roy's own eyes flashed. He gripped her hand tightly, pulling her up rapidly so she stumbled, bumping into his chest as the air around them shifted. He smirked. He couldn't imagine his life without her now, especially with all the shenanigans and laughter Riza brought with her. Even from day one, before they were together, they had always joked around like this. Being the third wheels, they had to find some way to entertain themselves and that mostly involved dumb shit that left them in fits of giggles.

He lifted her up by the waist so this time she had her legs wrapped around his waist from the front. Roy begun the walk towards their bedroom as he eyed her hungrily with desire.

"Wait," Riza laughed. "Rebecca will be here in half an hour."

Roy glanced at the clock then shrugged. "We've got time."

The bedroom door banged loudly behind them as Riza laughed. However, it was soon cut off when Roy pressed his lips against her, turning her laughter into moans.