A/N: Well that last update didn't go so well. I am glad that the site is back up and running properly now. Here is the next chapter. Enjoy! This will be the last chapter for the previous months as well. Next chapter we will be back in the present.
Chapter 3
Two Months Ago…
Adam made his way into the NICU that morning with coffee and a breakfast sandwich for Clay. It had been a long month, but things were moving in the right direction. Clay had reached out to the Linguistics Unit to work for them from home while he was tending to Lexi. Something the Linguistics Unit's Commanding Officer was very happy about. Clay knowing ten languages was perfect to them and would allow them to utilize Clay fully, saving them the headache of having to go through multiple translators for different documents. Clay had also left a couple of times for a couple of hours while he got everything set up. He was able to find an apartment at a decent price for them both. He would be taking Adam's truck this morning to move a few things into it so it would be ready for Lexi.
Adam was very proud of Clay. He had been here with Lexi all day and night long taking care of her. He was the one that suggested he work for the Linguistics Unit for now until she was older and healthier before he would consider going back to DEVGRU. Adam didn't want Clay giving up on his dream, but he could also understand that Clay needed to have money coming in to support himself and Lexi. Clay had a secured laptop with him at all times so he could work while Lexi was sleeping. Adam was very impressed and proud of him. He knew how hard it was to take care of a small child, much less a sick infant. Yet Clay never complained. He did what was advised by the doctors and nurses. He was attentive to her, he learnt everything he needed to about changing diapers and feeding her. Clay did everything he could for her and he never once bitched about the lack of sleep or that she wasn't his responsibility. Clay loved her and he was happy to be raising her.
Lexi was doing amazing herself. After a week she was able to have the ventilator removed and she was breathing on her own. Her heart rate had drastically improved with her new heart and with that complication resolved she was able to fight through the remainder of the withdrawals. She was a little warrior and she refused to give up. Adam could still remember how beautiful her eyes were that first time she opened them. They were not traditional eyes, her left eye was a gorgeous deep blue. Her right eye though was half blue and half light brown. Dr. Richards had informed them that she had sectoral heterochromia, giving her two different colored eyes. It was a rare gene that she inherited, most likely from her mother. It made her unique and it gave her a set of eyes that you just fell in love with.
Adam looked down at Lexi and saw that she was asleep once again. She had been sleeping a lot, but that wasn't uncommon according to Dr. Richards. He did warn with her anti-rejection meds though that she could experience different side effects, one of them being night terrors for children. Adam was really hoping she continued to sleep well, that would ease some of the stress off from Clay. They would have to wait and see though as she got stronger and the medication started to truly kick in. She was gaining weight, at a month old as of yesterday, she was up to almost five pounds. It seemed so little, but to them they were just happy she was gaining weight. She no longer needed the feeding tube and was taking a bottle. Something Clay had to learn how to do and burp her. Adam was more than happy to teach Clay a few tricks that he had learnt from Hannah.
Adam looked over at Clay and saw him passed out in the chair. He had the laptop sitting in his lap still and the headset still on his head. He had clearly fallen asleep while working. Adam went over and gently closed the laptop, doing his best to not wake Clay up. The second he touched it though, Clay woke up. Clay was a very light sleeper and the second anyone touched him, he was awake. He had to have a very deep level of trust with someone to not wake up at every sound. If he truly and deeply trusted you, he could allow his body to sleep deeply. Adam and him were still building that trust.
Clay looked at Adam before he rubbed his face to try and wake up. He was working late last night to get some of the work done, but he must have fallen asleep listening to the recording. Clay closed the laptop as he spoke.
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Just after nine. I brought you some breakfast." Adam said, as he handed Clay the bag and coffee.
"Thanks. You know you don't have to come by every day." Clay said, as he sat up and took the offered food.
"And not see you both every morning, not gonna happen. Besides, you have some things you gotta take care of and I'm off today. Best time for you to get to it." Adam said, as he sat down.
"Are you sure you can stay with her? I don't want to hold you up or anything." Clay said, not wanting to put Adam out.
"I got nothing but this today. Don't worry so much kiddo. You focus on what you gotta get done today. I got her."
"I'll head out in a few minutes then." Clay said, as he got his work all put away and started to eat his food.
Working and taking care of Lexi was a serious balancing act, one Clay wasn't certain he was getting right. Still, it was worth all of the hours if he could keep her away from the life Ash had planned for her.
"Whenever you're ready, truck is downstairs." Adam said, as he handed over his keys.
Clay gave a nod, he was happy that Adam did have a truck that he was able to borrow. He had no idea how he was going to get his things from storage over to the new apartment without it. He also had a bunch of things in storage that he was going to take to a second hand store to sell. He needed money for hospital bills that were due for minimum payment.
"I still can't believe you sold your car. That thing was a work of art." Adam said,
"Doesn't work for a car seat."
Clay hated that he had to sell his car, but it wouldn't work for a car seat for her to be safe in. Plus he needed the money for first and last month's rent, plus he had to pay his first payment to Ash. He also had to pay for Lexi's medication that she needed for when they were discharged in a couple of days. The money he got for his car went towards buying a reliable used car and bills. He was left with very little, hence why he needed to sell what he could so he could get a few things for Lexi, like a bed, diapers and formula. He also needed to get some food for himself. It was going to be tight for a very long time, but Clay was determined to make it work. Anything was better than the alternative for her.
"Still a damn shame. How's work?"
"It's good. It's easy work, just time consuming."
Clay had always found translations easy, but he did know it took time to go over it over and over again, especially recordings. It wasn't too bad if the recordings were clear and the person speaking spoke clearly, but that often wasn't the case. The recroding's quality was terrible resulting in Clay having to listen to it roughly ten times before he was able to get it all translated. Not a big deal if it was only a five minute recording, but what he was listening to were eight or nine hour long recordings. It was a long and tedious process and Clay had a long cue of translations he had to get done, all by a certain date. It was a lot, but it was something that Clay could do at home while he was taking care of Lexi.
"That's good that it's easy. I know it's not what you want to be doing, but it's something you can do until we can sort out the rest." Adam said. He had seen how hard Clay was working, and taking care of Lexi. He could also see that he wasn't truly happy. His mind needed the challenge of being in the field and getting different operations. They were puzzles to him, something that forced him to think differently and it was the part that Clay loved the most.
Clay picked up his coffee as he spoke. "Alright, I'm gonna head out and get things taken care of. I don't want to be away from her for long."
"Go do what you gotta do. I got her and I'll text if something comes up."
Clay gave a nod as he stood up. He went over to the incubator and looked down at Lexi. He wished he could pick her up right now, but she was sleeping and she needed all of the sleep that she could get. With one final look Clay headed out of the hospital and down to Adam's truck. He had a lot he needed to get done and he only had a short amount of time to do it. He had a shitload of work to get done, he couldn't afford to be wasting much time.
XXX
Clay arrived at the apartment building for his new apartment. He parked the truck in the first spot he could find at the front of the building so he could get everything unloaded. There was an elevator at least, but he was still going to have to unload the truck and carry up the couch on his own, something he wasn't looking forward to. Clay figured he would unload the smaller stuff first and then worry about the couch. Clay was able to get food, diapers and formula for Lexi. He was also able to pick up some clothes from a secondhand spot. The one thing he had wanted to get, he had hoped to get, was a crib for her. Unfortunately they were too expensive so he had to settle for a Pack N Play at the secondhand store. It was basically a play pen, but it would work for now. He was able to get a used crib mattress that he could put into it so it would be softer on her body then just the bottom of the play pen. It wasn't ideal, but it would work for now.
"Hey, Spenser right?"
Clay turned to see who was calling to him. He saw a man in his mid-thirties with a beard walking his way. Clay had no idea who he was, but he figured he must be a one of the team guys for him to know his name. Clay was really hoping he wasn't looking to start something, he wasn't in the mood and he really didn't want to have any problems with someone in the building.
"Ya." Clay simply said.
"Hey, I'm Derek, Alpha Two. How are ya?" Derek said, warmly as he walked up to Clay.
"Good, just moving in. Do you live here?"
"Apartment 311. What apartment are you in?"
"312, I guess we're neighbors."
"Awesome man. Let me give you a hand." Derek offered.
"That's ok, I can manage. I don't want to impose."
Clay knew he really needed to get better at accepting help, but after the life he lived, it wasn't that easy. Help always came with a price and often the price was way too high.
"You're not, I offered. I'm heading in anyways, might as well take something with me for the ride. Is the couch the only big piece you have?" Derek asked.
He didn't really know Clay, he had heard about him from the other teams. Being Alpha Two meant he got to know more about the other teams then the other members within his team. Him and Full Metal were always talking about Green Team and potential Alpha members. Derek knew that every team, but Bravo, wanted Clay. They had even gone to the length of trying to bride Beau to pass on Spencer so they could get him. Clay was a legacy, but with the name Ash Spenser connected to him, that made him unappealing. The only thing that could make a group of Tier One Seals cum in their pants at hearing the name Spenser, was if the kid was unbelievably good. And from what Dereh had heard, everyone was cumming in their pants at the idea of getting him on their team. When word broke out last month that Clay was pulled out of SERE training with only a few hours left, everyone was devastated. Bravo had even passed on picking up a new member this round. No one knew the reason behind Clay being pulled though and it was one Derek was very interested in, because Clay didn't come across as someone that would just willingly walk away after everything he had been through.
"Ya, but really, you don't have to help I'll manage."
"You really gotta get better at this help thing. Come on, let's get this in your new place." Derek said, as he lowered the truck bed door.
Clay could tell Derek wasn't going to let this go and he was not about to stand his ground just to drag up a couch on his own. Clay and Derek picked up the couch and made their way to the building as Derek spoke.
"Is that Adam's truck?"
"Ya, he's letting me borrow it."
"How is he? I haven't seen him around this past month."
Adam was always on base, even when they didn't have an active Green Team. He was still at base doing paperwork, getting ready for the next round of candidates and helping out within Alpha's command when he was free. This past month though, he was basically there to get some paperwork done and that was it, and no one really knew where he was.
"He's good. He's been with me for most of it." Clay said, he didn't really want to get too into it, but Derek was going to be living across the hall from him, so it wasn't like he wasn't going to find out.
"And are you ok? We all heard Harrington pulled you out for something, but no one knows what."
Derek didn't want to pry, but at the same time it was unheard of for a cadet to get pulled. Especially when there was such a short amount of time remaining and they were at the top of the class. Clay didn't really say anything to that, as they made their way down the hallway with his couch into his new apartment. He was debating on how much he should be telling Derek. He didn't know him, it wasn't like they were already friends or companions when this started. At the same time, he was going to very quickly discover that he had a baby living here. They put the couch down and Clay let out a sigh before he spoke.
"Ash got a woman pregnant." Clay started.
"Your father?" Derek asked, looking to make sure as it was weird for Clay to refer to his father by his first name.
"Biologically. She was brought in by paramedics, she had overdosed on heroin. She was already dead by the time they got there, but the medics gave her CPR to try and keep the baby alive. She was thirty-three weeks along. An emergency c-section was performed in the ER and Alexis Rose was born. She was one pound and fourteen ounces."
"Holy shit. Addicted?" Derek asked. He was a medic and like Trent, he worked his ass off to make sure he knew everything he could about medicine and field treatment. A baby that small, with a mother that had a heroin addiction, there was only a very slim chance that she wasn't born addicted.
"Pretty heavily. She also was in heart failure. The doc didn't think she would make it twenty-four hours. They ran her DNA and it matched to Ash and myself from the military. They couldn't get ahold of Ash so they reached out to the base for me. Harrington got the call and he made the decision to pull me."
"With being addicted and in heart failure, she would have been lucky to make it twenty-four hours. I know it sucked, but Harrington made the right call to pull you. I'm so sorry man. I know she would have been your half-sister, but it still sucks to lose a baby." Derek said with sympathy to his voice.
"She's still alive." Clay said warmly, as he sat down on the arm of the couch.
"What? With her condition her odds would have been." Derek said, but Clay finished for him.
"Less than five percent. The Doc told me I had to make a decision on if I should keep her on course for treatment or to stop and let her go. I didn't know what to do, I ended up calling Adam. Figured he could tell me what a good father would do in that situation. He came by, the Doc said her body was shutting down, she was on pain meds so she wouldn't be feeling it, but she was in a lot of pain. We agreed to let her go. I got to hold her against my chest and we were prepared for her to be gone within the hour. Seventy-five minutes later and her stats were coming up."
"The Joey Miracle." Derek said, amazed.
"That's what the nurse called it. She was fighting and I was going to fight right alongside her. The Doc was able to get her to the top of the transplant list and two days later she had a heart. We were still unsure if she would survive the surgery, but she did. Now she is coming home in two days." Clay said, proudly.
"Holy shit, fuck man that is amazing." Derek said, warmly.
It truly was amazing. Everything was against her and she still fought to live. She was a little warrior and Derek could hear the love and pride in Clay's voice.
"Remember that, when she is crying all night." Clay said with a small smirk.
Derek gave a chuckle to that. He was good with kids, he loved them and was hoping one day he would have his own.
"It's all good man. I can sleep through anything, same as Trish, my girl. I'm a medic though, so don't hesitate to ask me anything. Especially with having a heart transplant and she'll be still going through withdrawals up to six months. I'd be happy to check her over whenever you need." Derek offered.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. Seriously though, I really am sorry about any noise."
"Don't worry about it, seriously man. What about Ash, is he involved?"
Derek wasn't sure what the relationship was like between them. The fact that Clay calls him by his first name and not dad was a clear sign that they were on a rocky ground. Still, Lexi was his daughter and a lot of time has passed since Clay was born. He could be a different man now.
"No, he wants nothing to do with her. He hasn't even seen her. And that is really for the best. He's never had an interest in being a father, she doesn't need someone like him in her life."
That was something Clay was going to make damn sure of. He wasn't going to let what happened to him happen to Lexi.
"You gotta do what you think is best for her. If he's a shit father then she doesn't need that in her life. What happens now with the teams though? Are you still able to be in DEVGRU?"
It was a really weird situation because Clay didn't tap out. He would have made it to the end, but he was pulled. There really wasn't a precedent for a situation like this. At the same time, even if he could still be in DEVGRU, he now had a very sick infant to take care of and raise. He was a single guy from what Derek could tell, so he didn't have anyone in his life to watch Lexi while he was gone. Derek could understand if Clay wasn't going to be going into DEVGRU anymore, but it was a tragedy if he didn't. He was too talented to not pursue his dream career. They needed someone like Clay.
"Harrington said I could still be in DEVGRU, that he would handle it. I'm working for the Logistics Unit right now doing translations. I don't know about being back in DEVGRU. It's complicated right now and not something that I have to figure out just yet."
"I get that. Things get complicated when there is a small baby to consider. I'm happy to talk it out whenever you want." Derek offered.
"Appreciate it. I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I gotta finish bringing up the things from the truck and then head back to the hospital." Clay said, as he stood up.
"Ya man, of course. I'll give you a hand, get you out of here faster." Derek said, hoping Clay would accept the help.
Clay gave a nod, understanding that if Derek helped it would go faster. They both headed down and made quick work of bringing the few things that Clay had back up. Once Clay had the food put away he made his way back down to the truck to get back to the hospital. In a couple of days, he was going to have Lexi home where she belonged.
XXX
Clay parked in his spot at the apartment two days later. He looked into the rearview mirror to see Lexi asleep in her car seat. He still couldn't believe he was bringing her home. That the doctor and nurses let him leave with her. Over the past month they had been teaching him everything he needed to know so he could take care of her. From feeding, to burping, to changing her diaper, even giving her a bath. They taught him everything and answered any of his questions. Clay still couldn't believe he was doing this. It still didn't feel real to him and he wasn't confident that it ever would. Still, here she was in his car about to go into their new apartment.
"You can do this. You survived all that shit growing up. You survived Green Team and SERE training. You can handle a small baby." Clay said to himself before he got out of his car.
He picked up the car seat, not wanting to take Lexi out of it and wake her up. She needed her sleep as she wasn't sleeping too great in the past couple of days. The withdrawals would take up to six months before they were fully out of her system and her brain had the chance to recover from the trauma of it. It all came down to it was going to be a long six months, but afterwards Clay was hoping it would get easier with her body being recovered fully.
Clay headed up the elevator and down the hallway to his apartment. He walked in and placed Lexi down on the floor where she would be safe. He still had the items all over the living room he needed to put away and deal with. He also had to get Lexi's bed all set up for her. He had just finished getting her bed ready when he heard her start to cry. Clay immediately went back out into the living room and picked her up, speaking as he did.
"It's ok Lexi. I got you."
Clay placed her against his chest and rubbed his hand up and down her back.
"We're home now. You did it, you proved everyone wrong. You're my little warrior and you are going to have an amazing life. I promise you. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."
Clay knew it was going to be hard, but he didn't care. He was going to give her the best possible life he could, no matter what.
"Welcome home Lexi."
One Month Ago…
Adam made his way to Clay's apartment. He hadn't been able to see Clay for the past few days because of work. He felt bad about not being there for the majority of the week, but with work piling up he had to go in and get some of the things done. Adam knew the past month had been hard on Clay. Lexi was still going strong in the withdrawals, and they potentially had four more months of this. On top of that, her anti-rejection meds were making her feel pretty terrible to go with it. The end result was Clay not sleeping, because when Lexi was sleeping he had to work. Everything was a mess right now and he was really hoping Clay would let him have Lexi for a few hours so he could get some sleep. So far Clay was pretty hands off when it came to other people. He didn't like people being with Lexi out of his sight. Adam couldn't blame him, she had been through hell and Lexi only seemed to like to have Clay. That was a problem though, because Lexi needed to get used to having other people holding her. Clay couldn't do it all on his own, he needed help. Lexi needed to get used to being held and taken care of by other people. It was something a lot of babies had to get used to. They often clung to their mother due to the bond they share. Clay was that single person that Lexi bonded with and as a result she didn't want to be away from him.
Adam made his way down the hallway and he could already hear Lexi's powerful scream. He saw Derek coming out of his apartment and was about to knock on Clay's when he saw Adam.
"Sorry." Adam immediately said.
He could understand why Clay's neighbors would be annoyed. They were all military and needed sleep, the last thing they needed was hearing a baby screaming all day and night.
"I don't care about the crying, none of us do. We're all impressed that the kid has taken her on. He didn't have to, that means a lot to us all and shows what kind of man he is. I was going to see if he would let me help. He hasn't yet." Derek said.
"I know, he's a little protective of her, can't blame him. I'm going to have a chat with him and see if he'll let me help. She needs to get used to other people in her life if he is ever going to go back to DEVGRU."
"Can he?"
Derek was very interested in Clay going back to DEVGRU. Not only had he worked his ass off to get there and it was his dream, but Clay had serious skills that they all needed. He was too good to never get the chance to make real changes to this world. Everyone on Alpha was aware of what Clay was going through. Derek didn't see the need in keeping it from his teammates, but they made sure it didn't leave them. They all said they would love to have Clay on the team, they just needed to figure out how to get Clay back into action.
"Talked to Harrington today, said it would take some paperwork, but Clay has been cleared by the Upper Brass to go back into DEVGRU next month. It's just a matter if Clay wants to. I'll talk to him about it tonight after getting him to sleep."
Adam knew it would be a logistics nightmare with Clay being a single father to such a young child, but they could figure it out. If this was what Clay truly wanted, they could figure it out.
"Let me know if you need any help on either front."
"I appreciate it. I better get in there, that kid needs sleep. They both do."
Derek gave a knowing nod before he headed back into his apartment. Adam used his key and walked into Clay's apartment, not surprised to find him standing there walking back and forth with Lexi in his arms as she cried. Clay looked over at Adam, and he could see how exhausted he was. He had black bags under his eyes that made it look like he had two black eyes.
"She hates me." Clay said, with pure exhaustion to his voice, but also an emotional edge. He was so exhausted his own emotions were all over the place.
"She doesn't hate you kiddo." Adam said, gently.
"Nothing I do works. All she does is cry, I don't know what I'm doing wrong." Clay said, sounding frustrated and overwhelmed.
"Nothing, you are not doing anything wrong kiddo. It's the withdrawals, her nervous system is so screwed up right now she feels terrible. The only way she can communicate that is by crying. She loves you, she's just sick and miserable. Here let me take her."
Clay reluctantly handed her over to Adam. Within a second she stopped crying and Clay threw his hands up in the air as he collapsed down onto the couch.
"See, she hates me."
"She doesn't hate you kid. You cannot take this personally."
Adam was really worried about Clay's mental health. He wasn't getting enough sleep, so he was sleep deprived, plus he was working full time. He was stressed about money, about Lexi's health and he wasn't sleeping. He was close to breaking and Adam was trying to prevent that.
"I feel like I'm failing her. I can't make her better and now it's like I can't even comfort her anymore."
Adam went and sat down on the couch next to Clay, but the second he did Lexi started to cry again so he stood back up.
"Listen to me kiddo, you are not failing her. You are bending over backwards to help her. You have given up your carefree lifestyle, you lost your girlfriend, your dream is put on hold, you have almost no money. Hell, you don't even have a bed, you're sleeping on the floor just so she has her medications. You are doing everything in your power for her, when you aren't obligated to. And you do comfort her, she loves you and she knows you love her. It's just the withdrawals, that's all."
"It doesn't feel that way." Clay said, with pure honesty to his voice.
"I know kiddo, but you are feeling what every parent would be right now. We can't make her better, only time will do that. All we can do is be there for her and try and offer whatever comfort we can. You are just exhausted. You need to accept help Clay. You need to eat something, shower and then sleep for a good solid eight hours. Not waking up every hour, or working until four in the morning. You need straight sleep to help your mind recharge."
"Ya, that's not happening."
Clay would have loved to sleep for eight hours. He knew he was dangerously exhausted, but there was nothing he could do about that. He just had to push through, like he had done growing up.
"It is happening, it's happening right now. I'm going to take Lexi." Adam started, but Clay cut him off.
"Take her, you can't take her. Take her where?"
"Home with me for the night so you can sleep." Adam finished, he expected that Clay would panic and be against it, but he needed to get Clay to understand that he wasn't alone in this.
"She sleeps here, this is her home. It's not much of one, but it's her home. She needs her medication at a certain hour. She has to be fed so many hours apart." Clay started and Adam could hear the panic in his voice.
That was part of the issue, Lexi needed to be on a pretty tight schedule right now for her feeding times and medications. They had to help her grow and that meant she couldn't skip a meal and she could never miss her medications. It was only adding more stress and anxiety onto Clay's shoulders.
"I know. I've been here looking after her before to give you a couple of hours of sleep. But I know you were still waking up when she cried. I know what she needs kiddo and what you need is solid sleep. Sleep where you are not waking up to every cry. Let me take her home with me tonight, Vic and Hannah have been dying to see her. I will take care of her tonight, so you can take care of yourself. You are not going to be any good to her if you are in the hospital with sleep deprivation. And it's good for the both of you, you both need to get used to other people being around her. I promise you, I will call if anything happens. You can trust me."
"I know I can trust you, I just don't like her out of my sight for very long."
"I know you don't, but I need you to trust me on this one. You both need the break. She'll be ok I promise. And I will be back tomorrow before lunch with her." Adam promised.
Clay let out a sigh. He didn't want to let Adam take her. She was sick and miserable with the withdrawals. Clay knew what it was like to not be feeling well and not have a parent around, he didn't want her feeling like he was abandoning her. At the same time though, he understood where Adam was coming from. He did need real sleep and she needed to get used to other people because eventually he had to go back to work and she would need to be left with a babysitter. A fact that Clay didn't even want to think about right now.
"Ok. I don't like it, but ok."
Adam gave Clay a warm smile. "I promise you, I will call if anything happens."
"I know, and I know you've done the whole baby thing already. She's just so sick still." Clay said, feeling anxious about this whole situation.
"I know kiddo, but she is going to be ok. You need to sleep and take care of yourself or she will lose you. The first time is always the hardest, but it will get easier. And you need to get used to it if you are going to go back to DEVGRU. It'll be ok Clay, I promise."
Clay gave a nod and then stood up so he could male sure Adam had what he needed for her. Adam went and grabbed the old diaper bag that Clay was able to find at a secondhand store. It was falling apart, but it still worked well enough. Adam and Clay grabbed what Lexi would need for the night. Adam was doing his best to ignore the fact that Lexi only had a few outfits for her. It was all Clay could afford and so far, he wasn't willing to take any money from him to help. It was starting to really drive Adam crazy, because they were family he wanted to help Clay out. Clay was so used to doing everything on his own, that he didn't know how to accept help. The concept of having help was foreign to him and Adam knew Clay was still confused as to why he was coming around. It was something Adam was working on with him, but a lifetime of being on your own was not something that was easily overcome.
Once Adam had everything he needed for Lexi he picked up the diaper bag and he grabbed Clay's work laptop as well.
"What are you doing with my work?" Clay asked.
"I'm stopping you from doing it. It'll be secured with me. You need to eat something, shower and then sleep. There's no time for work. You need to recharge. Eat, shower and then sleep. I will see you tomorrow morning kiddo." Adam said with a warm smile.
Clay gave Lexi a kiss goodbye as Adam headed out. He let out a shaky breath as he stood all alone in a quiet apartment. He thought he would enjoy the quiet, but now the quiet had a whole new meaning. It wasn't quiet because Lexi was sleeping, it was quiet because he was all alone. Clay would be lying if he said he didn't have moments here and there where he wished he was just a single guy with no responsibilities. He thought about giving her up, letting a couple adopt her and give her a good life. Clay thought he could do that, move on and this was just a blimp in his life. Standing here though in this too quiet apartment all alone, Clay felt a deep weight in the pit of his stomach. He had never felt more alone then he did in this moment. Clay couldn't help but wonder if this was what Adam meant by him needing to be alone. Regardless of how tired he was or how stressed he was, he loved Lexi and not having her in his life wasn't an option. That was his little girl and he didn't care what happened to him as long as she was happy and loved.
Clay headed over to his kitchen and grabbed some leftovers that Adam had brought over to him a few days ago. After warming them up he was going to take a shower before getting some sleep. He only had a military bed roll for a bed right now, but it was good enough for him. Most of the time he slept on the couch anyways. He needed real sleep so he could take better care of Lexi.
XXX
Adam made his way into Clay's apartment the next day just before lunch time. He was exhausted after having Lexi for one single night. Him and Vic had taken turns with her and still Adam was exhausted. He had no idea how Clay was able to do this on his own. He knew Clay was younger, but still it was a lot. If two parents were struggling after one night, he couldn't imagine just how exhausted Clay was to be doing it on his own and working. It was a lot and he would need to be there for him more to help him, whether he liked it or not. Adam walked in and Clay still completely passed out on the couch. Adam went and placed Lexi's car seat down on the ground, she was still sound asleep in it. He then went into the kitchen to put on some coffee. Vic had cooked up a storm for him, so he put the ready made dinners into the fridge and the chocolate chip cookies on the counter that she had baked. They were both worried about Clay not eating properly and losing weight. They could both see a slight difference already.
Clay groaned and Adam turned to see him waking up. Clay had slowly been getting used to him being around him and touching him. At first Clay really didn't like being hugged or touched by him. Adam was worried about what that meant deep down for Clay, a thought he couldn't tolerate thinking about. He was glad to see that he was building that deep trust with Clay and he could relax and let his guard down more with him. Clay looked over at Adam and then turned to look around for Lexi. He saw her sleeping in her car seat and he slowly sat up.
"Hey kiddo. You look a lot better, how are you feeling?" Adam said, warmly.
"Good. How was she?"
"She was up most of the night. She's been asleep for about an hour now. Me and Vic took turns with her. Clay man, you need to let us help you more. We're experienced parents and took turns sleeping and we're exhausted. You can't keep doing this on your own all the time. You are going to end up in the hospital or very sick because of not sleeping enough."
"It did feel good to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time." Clay reluctantly admitted.
It was hard at first to be alone without Lexi, but after eating he did start to get used to it. He was able to take a shower and get some sleep without feeling guilty. Guilty that he should be doing the dishes, or getting her dirty clothes cleaned or working. He was able to get showered, make sure her bottles and clothes were clea before he got some sleep and had slept a good fourteen hours.
"See, now you are more awake, you'll be able to focus on your work better and you will be more refreshed to handle her." Adam said, as he handed Clay a cup of coffee.
Clay took it with a small smile as Adam sat down next to him.
"Did she get her medicine?"
"Oh ya, right on time. I told you not to worry. I do want to talk to you though about you going back to DEVGRU."
"What about it?"
Clay had no idea what Adam would want to talk about that. To him it seemed impossible for him to go back into the teams. Even if he could somehow figure out how to get back into the teams, he still had Lexi to consider. Where would she go when he was spun up or on tour? She was small and sick and she needed someone constant in her life. He also didn't want to be Ash, he didn't want to miss out on her firsts or for her to lose him. What would happen to her if he died? Ash would just sell her the second he could and there would be nothing he could do about it. Until he paid Ash the five hundred thousand he didn't have legal custody of her, so he couldn't leave her in his will. It made everything more complicated and Clay wasn't sure what to do about any of it. He also knew though, he was going to need to figure out a second job if he was ever going to be able to get out of the mountain of debt he was buried under. He would need something that would work with his current position in the Linguistics Unit, but what he had no idea.
"I don't think you should be giving up your dream on being in DEVGRU. I spoke with Captain Harrington and he is still supporting having you on a team. He knows you have another month still of leave before you can start to come back, but he would like to place you within a team when you do come back."
"It's not that simple though and you know it. I don't have a wife or girlfriend to leave her with. She has no mother and there is no one she has on her mother's side. I'm all she has." Clay instantly said.
"You're not all she has, she has me and Vic and Hannah in her life. We love her too and we can be there for you to help with her. You also have Derek and Trish, they love her and have told me they wished you would let them help more with her. You are not an army of one kiddo, you got a whole brotherhood behind you. I am telling you, if you want to do this, we can make it work." Adam said with strength to his voice.
"I just don't see how. It's not like I would get spun up during the day. The call comes in whenever. I'm just supposed to what? Get up at three in the morning and leave her alone? And what about tour? I'm gone for three months, where would she even go? What if something happened and she was sick and I can't get there? What if I get killed? There's too many variables that can't be accounted for." Clay said in a rushed voice.
Adam reached over and placed his hand on Clay's knee as he spoke. "Take a breath kiddo, getting worked up over what ifs is never a good idea." Adam paused for a moment to allow Clay to take a couple of breaths before he started again. "Now, during the day she can be with Vic, she already offered. She doesn't work and she would love to spend time with her. Trish has also voiced her interest in watching her. She can be with one of them and we can spend the next month with Lexi getting to know them better. When you get the call in the middle of the night, you can call me and I'll come over. Trish and Derek also said they could watch her at night when a call comes in. They both know what the life is like, same as me and Vic. We did it with Hannah. When you go on tour she can stay with us and if she is sick and you need to be there, there is always a plane out of the base that you can take to come back. It happens a lot for parents that need to get back for their kid. It sounds like a lot, but it's not Clay."
"That's not fair to you guys. You all have your own lives, they shouldn't be interrupted because of my life."
"You're not interrupting our lives. We are offering to help you because you are family. We are blood and DEVGRU is a family. I've told you this already kiddo, it's not the same as it is with a normal Seal team. These guys don't play around, they are a family, every last one of them. You and Lexi are family to them now and they are all more than willing and happy to help you with her. Look kiddo, the only thing that matters is what you want to do. If you want to be in DEVGRU then we can figure it all out. We're in this together, the only one that seems to have a problem with that is you." Adam said, warmly.
"I'm just not used to people wanting to help." Clay said honestly.
"I know kiddo, but you have people now that care about you and want to be there for you. All you have to do is let us."
"I'm trying."
"I know you are, and I couldn't be prouder of you." Adam said, warmly.
Clay gave Adam a small warm smile back. He had no idea if he was going to be able to go back to DEVGRU or not. He did like knowing that he had some people in his life that were willing to help him figuring it all out. Adam had been such a huge supporter in his life since finding out about Lexi, he honestly didn't think he could do this without him. Clay didn't know what the future would hold, but he did know he would have Lexi and Adam in his life, and for Clay that was good enough.
A/N: Review they keep me going!