"Have you ever broken in to a house before?" whispered Crane.
"Absolutely not," retorted J insincerely, as he twisted a lock-pick that caused the door to Nygma's house to click open. "I told the magistrate, and I'll tell you, there's no proof that I'm a criminal that'll stand up in a court of law, and until there is, I'll deny those charges."
"Then how do you know how to pick a lock?" asked Crane.
"I clearly just have a natural talent for these things, as I do for many other things," replied J.
"It's true – he does," agreed Harley, as they all three crept into the house, J carrying a lantern he had swiped from the stable.
"From what I could gather looking in the windows, Nygma's room is that one," said J, pointing to a door. "So Harl, you keep your eye on that. If the door opens, grab me, and I'll hit him over the head when he comes out so he won't be able to identify us."
"You sure you haven't done this before?" asked Crane.
"No evidence that I have, and that's what matters," replied J, grinning at him.
Crane sighed, using his own lantern to hunt around the living room. It was fairly tidy, and stacks of papers were everywhere, meticulously organized…
"Maybe you could ask Edward to organize all this," said Emilia, interrupting the story as she gestured around at the mess surrounding them.
"He would over-complicate the process," retorted Crane. "And besides, then I'd have to interact with him, which nobody wants."
"True," agreed Emilia. "I'm sorry to interrupt you - it's very rude. You'll have to punish me for it later," she added, cuddling against him.
"Or now," suggested Crane. "I daresay you've had enough of this pathetic story..."
"If you stop now, I'm divorcing you," interrupted Emilia.
"Very well," muttered Crane. "I suppose you're committed now, so you do need to see it through to the end."
"Also my attitude toward our marriage," replied Emilia, kissing his cheek. "Unless you stop reading, of course. Now back to it."
"Hey, look over here!" whispered J, beckoning Crane over to a painting of Nygma above his desk - he was posed in a contemplative fashion with his chin resting in his hand, and draped in an American flag. J moved the portrait aside to reveal a safe.
"Can you crack safes too?" whispered Crane.
"If anyone asks me that, I deny it," replied J. "But yes," he added, taking out his lock-picks again.
He twisted and turned them until there was a click, and the safe swung open. It was full of various valuables – pocket watches and miniature portraits and jewelry, clearly hoarded and collected from many people.
"This must be his looting haul," whispered J. "See anything that looks bat-shaped?"
"Actually, yes," whispered Crane, reaching into the safe and withdrawing a small box with a bat carved on the lid. Underneath the bat were carved the following words:
My first is front in jury
My second circles unity
My third shapes all signatories
My fourth is utmost trustworthy
My whole is life and liberty.
"It's a riddle," murmured Crane, examining the box. "And the answer to the riddle opens the lock," he added, nodding at a contraption on the edge of the box which depicted all the letters of the alphabet. "We need to figure this out."
"Or we could always smash it open," suggested J.
"It seems fairly sturdy," replied Crane, examining the lock. "Anyway, that would wake Nygma for sure. No, we can do this…just let me think," he said, taking a seat.
"What do you think is inside it?" asked J.
"Something precious to the Batman," murmured Crane. "And maybe something that can help us."
He began pressing random letters, but realized quickly that it wouldn't do any good – he wouldn't stumble upon the key without figuring out the riddle. He read it again, but it seemed like nonsense to him. The words didn't make any sense in the way they were written - the sentence structure was all wrong. And bad grammar was a pet peeve for Crane as a teacher - it was almost impossible to get past that and try to figure out a different way of looking at it.
"What the devil are you doing in here?" demanded a voice suddenly. Crane looked up to see Nygma standing in the doorway to his bedroom, holding a lantern and glaring at him.
"I thought Harley was meant to be watching…" began Crane, but he looked over to see that she and J had become distracted by each other while he was working on the riddle. "Never mind," he sighed.
"Put that back at once!" demanded Nygma, rushing over to try to grab the box from him.
"Why? What's in it?" asked Crane, holding it out of his reach.
"I don't know!" exclaimed Nygma. "I've been working on that riddle for twenty-five years!"
"Geez, you're really no good at riddles, huh?" asked J.
"You stole this from the Batman's body, didn't you?" demanded Crane. "And that's why he rides out – he wants this back, but he doesn't know you have it."
"No, he doesn't," agreed Nygma. "He just attacks randomers hoping one of them will have it on him. I assume that's why he only attacks men – he knows it had to be someone at the battle who stole it from him. But he's had to just rely on chance since he can't enter people's homes…"
As he said that, the door to his house was abruptly kicked open. The Headless Batman stood in the doorway, his sword raised.
"I…thought he couldn't enter people's homes," whispered Crane.
"He couldn't!" gasped Nygma. "Not for twenty-five years…"
He suddenly noticed the bag Crane was wearing over his shoulder. "You brought the head in here?!" he demanded.
"Yes, I…just thought I'd carry it with me," said Crane.
"You idiot!" shrieked Nygma. "That's how he can come in! If a part of him is inside the house, he can follow it!"
The Headless Batman strode across the room – he didn't have eyes, but he was clearly fixated on the box Crane was holding. He brought his sword down, and Crane ducked out of the way just in time. "We have to get out of here!" shouted Crane. "Back to the church! I know his head doesn't override the powers keeping him out of there!"
"C'mon, toots!" exclaimed J, racing with Harley out of the house. Crane and Nygma followed, dashing over to where they had left their horses tied up, to find them gone. They had clearly been cut loose, and there was only one person who could have done that.
"He's smarter than a guy without a head should be," commented J, turning to see the Headless Batman mounting his horse, preparing to run them down. "We're gonna have to run for it."
"We can't outrun him when he's on horseback!" shouted Nygma.
"Then stay here!" snapped J, racing down the road dragging Harley behind him. Crane and Nygma shared a look, and then followed them.
They could hear the hoof-beats of the Headless Batman's horse chasing after them, and no matter how fast they ran, they knew he would soon be upon them. They were within sight of the church's grounds when Harley suddenly shrieked – she had stumbled and fallen, and the Headless Batman reared his horse up next to her, seizing her by the hair and pulling her up as she struggled against him, screaming, "Let me go, you big Bat bully!"
"Hang on, sweets!" shouted J, racing toward her. The Headless Batman raised his sword at his approach, and J dived under the horse at the last moment, causing the blade to drop down and hit the horse instead.
It reared up, throwing the Headless Batman from its back. J seized the dropped sword, and rammed it through the Headless Batman's heart, pinning him to the ground. Then he grabbed Harley's hand.
"Run!" shouted J, racing toward Crane and Nygma and gesturing to the church as the Batman struggled to get up. "It won't hold him for long!"
The Headless Batman ripped himself up at that moment, seizing his sword and throwing it. It hit J in the leg, knocking him to the ground as he hissed in pain.
"Mr. J!" screamed Harley. "C'mon, puddin', c'mon!" she gasped, trying to help him up.
"Harley, you have to get to safety!" exclaimed Crane, trying to drag her away, as the Headless Batman climbed back on his horse and slowly approached them, bending down to pick up his sword from where it had fallen. Harley had managed to pull J up onto her shoulder, but she gasped in horror as she saw the Batman looming over them.
"If you kill me, you're a total idiot," snapped J, glaring up at the Headless Batman. "I wasn't even here during the war, and I didn't steal from you. I mean, granted, you might be a bit pissed off that I've been humiliating you so completely, but it's not me you're mad at, not really. It's whoever stole your little box, isn't it?"
The Headless Batman paused with his sword raised – he appeared to be listening to what he was saying. "You want your little box back," continued J. "Well, I don't have it, and neither does she. But if you wanna kill the person who stole it from you, it was that guy," he said, pointing at Nygma.
"No, that's not…true," stammered Nygma, as the Headless Batman slowly turned toward him. "That's not true!"
"He's a thief, Batsy," continued J. "A common criminal. You're the kinda guy who loves justice, am I right? Well, killing me won't give you that, but killing him will. It's the only just thing to do."
The word suddenly clicked in Crane's mind. "That's it," he murmured, looking down at the box he had clutched in his hands. "That's it."
Nygma made a break for the church, but was foiled by the Headless Batman riding up in front of him, blocking the entrance. "No!" gasped Nygma. "No, I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you…"
Those were the last words he said – his head was removed with a chop from the Headless Batman's sword. Crane felt the Headless Batman's attention now focused on him as he noticed the box he was holding.
The Batman rode toward him, but was abruptly stopped as what appeared to be vines shot around him and his horse. As the horse whinnied and struggled to free itself, Crane turned to see a woman standing in the road, who seemed to be manipulating the plants.
"Run!" shouted Mistress Ivy. "Get to the church!"
"Oh my God, she really is a witch!" gasped Crane.
"I'm not a witch!" snapped Ivy. "It's science, not magic! But I can control plants!"
"But clearly not the Headless Batman," commented J, as the Batman began chopping at the plants to free himself. "So let's not waste time talking and get to the church instead!"
Crane rushed over to help Harley support J and drag him into the church's grounds, as Ivy hurried into them. They reached them just as the Batman freed himself from the plants.
"Now be careful," said J. "He's pretty inventive with places he can't get into."
The Headless Batman rode over to them, and held out his hand. "No, you're not getting this," retorted Crane, holding up the box. "I've figured out the answer to the riddle – it's 'just,' the first letters of all the last words in each line, and what you equate with life and liberty."
He typed in the letters, and the box clicked open. The Headless Batman's hand curled into a fist as everyone looked inside to see…a folded piece of paper.
"Really? That's it?" demanded J. "You've been murdering people left and right for a piece of paper?!"
"It's a letter," said Crane, unfolding it and reading it aloud. "Dear Harvey…"
"Look out!" screamed Harley, as the Headless Batman suddenly seized one of the vines and lashed it out toward J. Harley leaped in front of him, and it seized onto her instead. Everyone reached out to grab her, but they were too late. She shrieked as the Headless Batman jerked her out of the grounds and pulled her up onto his horse. He ripped her head up by her hair, and then pointed at her, and then at the box. Then he turned and rode off, with Harley's screams echoing after them.
"We have to get her back!" exclaimed J. "And if I can interpret headless sign language, he's saying he'll trade us Harley for what's in the box! So let's make that trade!"
"We should have done it before he rode off," retorted Ivy. "Because we can't make the trade now. The Batman's gone, and we don't have any idea where he's hiding out."
"No, we don't," agreed Crane, holding up the letter. "But dear Harvey might."