"There are no words to express my gratitude," said Jervis Van Tetch. Crane, J, Harley, Ivy, Dent, and Mistress Leland were all gathered in the parlor of Arkham Farm as the sun rose that morning. "Not only have you saved my beloved daughter from the clutches of that monster, but you have rid this town of the fiend which has terrorized it for so long. There is nothing I or anyone else can ever do to repay you, Mr. Crane."
"This tea is payment enough after the ordeal I've been through, trust me, Mr. Van Tetch," replied Crane, as he sipped the drink. "Anyway, I couldn't have done it alone."
"You are being far too modest, Mr. Crane," said Van Tetch. "You have only been here a short time and yet have done what no one else could do in twenty-five years. I and the whole town are forever in your debt."
"As I said, it's really not necessary," said Crane. "It was my duty to slay the monster, to ensure that innocents are no longer harmed by a dead bully in a bat costume."
"You're a hero, Mr. Crane," said Harley, smiling at him.
"My duty and pleasure, Miss Van Tetch," said Crane, kissing her hand.
Van Tetch looked from him to her. "Well, perhaps there is something I can do to repay you," he said, taking Harley's hand. "I can grant you my daughter's hand in marriage."
"What?" gasped Harley, her face falling.
"Well, he's clearly interested," said Van Tetch, shrugging. "And if he marries you, not only will he receive the best of women for his bride, but all the farm as well someday. It's still a small price to pay for all the good he's done, but at least it's something."
"Father, I can't marry him!" exclaimed Harley. "I just can't! I'm…in love with someone else."
"Someone else?" repeated Van Tetch. "Who?"
Harley looked toward J, and bit her lip. "I…know you won't approve. But I love him more than life itself."
"She certainly proved that by running to her likely death not once, but twice, to save me," agreed J, stepping forward and taking her hand.
Van Tetch stared at him. "You?" he said. "You think you're worthy of my daughter's hand?"
"He's definitely not," retorted Crane. "But I couldn't have defeated the Batman without his help. If I'm a hero, then so is he. I don't like the man at all, but he's brave to the point of foolishness. If all his qualities are as strong as his courage, I think Harley will be happy enough with him."
"Well, I don't," retorted Van Tetch, grabbing her hand away from J's. "I say she's marrying Mr. Crane."
"I won't, Father!" cried Harley. "I'll die before I do that!"
"What a very cheerful thought for a suitor," muttered Crane. "Anyway, I refuse to marry Miss Van Tetch against her will. That is not the behavior of a gentleman."
"Mr. Van Tetch, you might as well let her do what she wants," spoke up Mistress Leland. "She's a headstrong young woman, and the one thing both of us could never do is control her. Nor should we want to. If you have faith in your daughter, have faith in her making the right choice."
"The right choice?" repeated Van Tetch. "This clown? You want this to be the man to inherit not only my daughter, but all my property?"
"Hey, I know how to run this farm better than anyone!" retorted J. "What would Mr. Crane know about planting and harvesting? He's never had any experience working the land! Too busy reading too many books and teaching ungrateful kids! And I know Harley. I know she loves me, and that you ain't gonna change her feelings, whatever you do."
"He's right," agreed Mistress Leland. "We can't stand in their way, Mr. Van Tetch."
"But…but I want this one for a son-in-law," said Van Tetch, pointing at Crane. "He's so much more responsible and rational…"
"Rationality isn't everything, Mr. Van Tetch," spoke up Dent. "Sometimes it pays to be a little crazy. Believe me, I know that now."
"And so do I," agreed Ivy. "That's not to defend the clown at all, because I hate him, but I know you don't risk death for someone and then just expect those feelings to go away."
Dent took her hand. "No, you don't," he murmured, smiling. "Ivy, will you marry me?"
"I thought you'd never ask," she said, kissing him.
"Better you than me, Harv!" chuckled J. "Just don't eat the mushrooms! I ain't letting my little wife ever serve me those!"
"I won't be serving you anything - I'm a terrible cook, puddin'," said Harley.
"Oh. Now you tell me," muttered J.
"Anyway, it's a moot point if Father won't be reasonable and let us marry," she continued, gazing at him pleadingly with her big, blue eyes. "Please, Father?" she begged.
"But…but…but…oh, very well!" snapped Van Tetch. "I blame you for this, Mistress Leland," he added. rounding on her. "You should have done a better job teaching her what's desirable in a man!"
"Yeah, attraction is something you can really teach," said Mistress Leland, sarcastically. "And somebody's got a really skewed idea of what the role of a surrogate mother is."
"It can't be too difficult to instruct women that they want a man who's stable and responsible, not this raving lunatic!" continued Van Tetch.
"But he's my raving lunatic," sighed Harley, kissing J.
"Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose," sighed Crane. "I killed the Batman, and J got the girl. Everybody wins. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll return to my schoolhouse now. Even though I'm all alone, I'm not unhappy, for I have a noble purpose. There is no more honorable state for a man than molding the minds of the young…oh hell, even I don't believe that," he muttered, heading out the farmhouse door and back into the cold, desolate, lonely street of Gotham Hollow.
"And that's the end," announced Crane, folding up the manuscript.
"Kinda abrupt," commented Emilia. "And kinda a downer ending. Audiences don't like that, you know, Jonathan."
"Well, it's an honest ending – it's what I was feeling at the time," replied Crane. "The hopelessness and despair of being alone forever, while everyone around me was happy and in love. It was a true and honest appraisal of my situation in life."
"Audiences don't always like true and honest," retorted Emilia. "Especially when they could have a happy ending instead."
"The original ending wasn't happy – Ichabod was either killed by the Headless Horseman or someone impersonating him, or was driven from the town forever, mad with fear," said Crane. "I'm merely being faithful to the original story."
"Odd time to start that, with the ending," retorted Emilia.
"Well, it's over and done with anyway," said Crane. "And now we can do something more productive with our day than listen to some silly story."
"Like hunt around silly stacks of papers for a silly formula," sighed Emilia.
"It's not silly – if you don't want me to be a failure on Halloween, my darling, I'll need it," replied Crane.
"You could never be a failure to me, Jonathan," replied Emilia. "Whether or not your Halloween schemes succeed. Which is a good thing, as they never do."
"So what do you suggest I do this year, just give up?" demanded Crane.
"Yes," said Emilia, nodding. "Let someone else terrorize the city on Halloween, while you stay home with your beloved wife. We can have a little trick or treating of our own, if you understand what I'm saying."
"You...want to start including costumes in the bedroom?" asked Crane, puzzled.
"Maybe," replied Emilia, shrugging. "If you're up for it. What do you say, my darling God of Fear?" she purred, kissing him. "Do you want to frighten the pants off me?"
"You always make it impossible to refuse you, my dear," said Crane, grabbing her hand and racing toward the bedroom.
"I know," sighed Emilia, happily.
…
"Happy Halloween, my darling," said Emilia's voice the next day, as Crane was awoken with a kiss on his cheek.
"Good morning, my angel," he said, opening his eyes and reaching for his glasses. He saw a paper had been placed on his nightstand, and turned to look at his wife. "What's this?" he asked.
"Just a little something I wrote for the ending of your story," Emilia replied. "I hope you don't mind, but I thought it could use an editor's touch. Don't feel bad, my darling – lots of writers need editorial oversight to save them from themselves."
Crane glared at her, but took the paper and read the following:
Jonathan Crane returned to his schoolhouse fairly despondent at being reminded of the happiness of others and the misery of his own situation. He had just settled back into the lonely routine of his life, when a knock came on the door.
Crane opened it to see a young woman standing there. "Mr. Crane?" she asked.
"Yes," said Crane. "And you are?"
"My name is Emilia Lee," she replied, holding out her hand. "I'm interested in establishing a girl's school here in Gotham Hollow, and Mr. Van Tetch told me you'd be a good person to consult on the subject. Might I ask for a moment of your time?"
"Oh…yes, of course, come in," said Crane, holding open the door to her. "I think education is of the utmost importance in both sexes."
"Indeed," agreed Emilia, looking around. "You live here all alone, Mr. Crane?"
"I do, yes," he replied. "It can get very lonely. I've been…too busy to notice lately, but sometimes the situation can be quite…desolate."
"I imagine so," agreed Emilia, smiling at him. "Well, perhaps I can help with that. This schoolhouse could certainly use a woman's touch."
"Oh, you want to…merge the schools rather than establish a separate one for girls?" asked Crane.
"I think it makes more sense," replied Emilia. "The sexes are equal in their mental abilities, and generally shouldn't be segregated. Anyway, it saves me finding another building to use."
"So you'd be…living here," said Crane, slowly. "With me."
"If that's quite agreeable to you," she replied. "I don't take up much room."
"Oh yes, it's…quite agreeable," he stammered. "It's just…I'm afraid people might talk. I wouldn't want any harm to come to your reputation living with a man you're not...married to."
"There's really no need to worry about my reputation – as an unusual, educated woman in a time when education is frowned upon for women, I'm already going to be talked about in the most horrible way," she replied. "Really, living with a man will be the least of my worries. Anyway, I trust in your character – Mr. Van Tetch said you were the most honorable of men, and a hero."
"He exaggerates, of course," replied Crane. "But where are my manners? Would you care for a cup of tea?"
"I'd love one," she replied. "And perhaps while we drink it, you could tell me a little about the town. If it's like most small villages around these parts, I doubt there's much to tell."
"You'd be surprised," retorted Crane. "I'll make a pot."
It was a few months later that Emilia living with a man she wasn't married to was no longer a concern for Crane - a triple wedding took place in the little church in Gotham Hollow, ministered by the town's new deacon: Harleen Van Tetch and J, Harvey Dent and Mistress Ivy, and Jonathan Crane and Emilia Lee were all married on the same day. And they all lived happily ever after.
Crane finished reading, and looked up at his wife. "It's a little trite, don't you think?" he asked.
"I like happy endings – so sue me," said Emilia, shrugging.
"It's no Washington Irving, my dear, that's for certain," he replied.
"Neither was the rest of it," she retorted. "You're frankly terrible at impersonating nineteenth century writers, my darling. Better stick to your fear gas attacks on Gotham. Or alternatively, spending Halloween with your wife."
"Well, what shall we do first, my angel?" he asked, embracing her.
"Do you want to know what would really make me happy?" she asked, putting her arms around his neck.
"Of course, my dear, I'll do anything," he said.
"Great! You can help me clean the house for the party tonight!" she said, beaming. "I'll let you pick dusting or vacuuming – your choice."
"Party?" repeated Crane, confused.
"Yes, I decided to throw a surprise Halloween party and invite all of our friends," said Emilia. "The story just reminded me that it's been some time since we all got together, and fun things always happen when we do. And these are not the kind of people who need to worry about finding a costume at the last minute - they probably all have hundreds of them to hand, known drama queens that they are."
"Joker's not coming, is he?" asked Crane.
"Of course he is – he never refuses an invitation to a party," replied Emilia. "He and Harley and the children are all coming. Anyway, you can't be annoyed at him – he helped you defeat the Headless Batman, after all."
"You're not to mention the story to the others," he said.
"Don't tell me what to do, Jonathan," she retorted. "Anyway, you think I want everyone thinking you're a better writer than me? Not a chance – we'll keep that part of my husband's genius strictly between us," she added, kissing him. "Now get dressed so we can get to work."
Crane sighed but obeyed. "No happy ending after all," he muttered. But as he pulled the vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard under the stairs, he had to admit that despite housework, despite losing the formula, and despite having to suffer through a surprise party tonight, he was mostly living happily ever after.
The End