Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 27: Elves Amongst the Autumn Leaves
(*)
[SCENE: The WILDERNESS, over the bodies of about eight DEAD ASSASSINS.]
BLAKE: So, about your murder issues.
LELIANA: They aren't my murder issues. Zey are my ex-girlfriend's. She's very passionate.
BLAKE: How did you even date a spy? I thought you were a nun!
LELIANA: Well. I'm a nun now. But as wiz all nuns, I was once a spy and assassin.
BLAKE: … … … All nuns?
LELIANA: A possible exaggeration, but, I like to zink so. It would explain how they're all so sexy.
BLAKE: Huh. Well, okay, I'll allow it. And now we can just go find your ex and kill her, and solve everyone's problems all at once.
LELIANA: How does that solve everyone's problems?
BLAKE: It solves your problem of being stalked by a crazy woman, and my problem of being angry at the whole world. Besides, I suspect she's not gonna just leave us alone, and the last thing we need is more assassins around.
ZEVRAN: 'Allo.
BLAKE: … Someone is right behind me, huh.
LELIANA: Oui.
BLAKE: Assassin?
ZEVRAN: Oh my, yes.
BLAKE: [SIGHS]
[SCENE: STILL the WILDERNESS, over the bodies of about sixteen DEAD ASSASSINS and one LIVING ONE.]
ZEVRAN: Oh my. You fight so beautifully, my dear, I find myself smitten. Also wounded about the head and shoulders.
BLAKE: Yeah, that was from me hitting you. Now, you wanna tell me who you are and who hired you, or do I go back to doing that?
ZEVRAN: I am Zevran, of the Antivan Crrrrows.
[The way he says CROWS is just FUN to LISTEN TO.]
BLAKE: Oh my.
ZEVRAN: I was hired by a most dour man named Loghain, who hired the Crrrrows, to hunt the Warden who survived Ostagar. [PAUSE.] Antivan Crrrrows.
[It's the LITTLE ROLL to the R that DOES IT.]
BLAKE: Okay, we have to take him with us.
LELIANA and ALISTAIR: What.
BLAKE: I'm sorry. He's just too handsome not to.
ALISTAIR: He's an assassin!
BLAKE: And very handsome. Like, why did nobody warn me he would be so handsome?
LELIANA: I thought you were gay. You always pick me over Alistair in things.
BLAKE: Oh, nah, all Bioware main characters are bisexual these days. I just don't like Alistair, specifically.
ALISTAIR: I love you too.
BLAKE: Besides, I think Zevran would be attractive no matter what my sexual preference is. His hair is like a river of gold.
[That's actually pretty much TRUE.]
ALISTAIR: Well, I'm not attracted to him.
ZEVRAN: [With a DEVIL MAY CARE SMIRK] Yes you are.
ALISTAIR: What? No I'm-
ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrows.
ALISTAIR: … Dammit, he's right.
ZEVRAN: So, I am now on your team. As well I should be. Tell me, what is our first mission together? To save the world? To fight the spawn of darkness?
BLAKE: Actually, we're on our way to kill Leliana's ex-girlfriend.
ZEVRAN: … You are far less heroic than I initially assumed.
BLAKE: You want me to leave you here?
ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrrrrows.
BLAKE: Dammit.
[SCENE: DENERIM, capital city of FERELDEN. Population: 25% BANDITS, 25% BLOOD MAGES, 25% CORRUPT NOBLES, 24% PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST JERKS, 1% OPPRESSED ELVES. But it's OKAY, because that awesome BLACKSMITH lives here and the DWARF MERCHANT is voiced by STEVE BLUM.]
[Int., the house of a HORRIBLE BITCH.]
THE ONLY ORLESIAN IN THIS GAME WORSE THAN ISOLDE: Ah, Leliana. My lovely leetle girl, returned to me at long last.
LELIANA: Marjolaine! Ze dark secrets of my past have come to haunt me at long last!
MARJOLAINE: No, zee, I said 'at long last' first, so you cannot end your sentence wiz ze same phrase. It is clunky. Zat is why I was always ze leader, and you always ze puppet in my hands.
LELIANA: You monster.
MARJOLAINE: But now, you 'ave come to me. And I… will leave.
BLAKE: What.
MARJOLAINE: Well, I mean, I wanted to kill Leliana, sure, but it wasn't personal. Just that she survived that time I framed her for treason and left her to be tortured and killed, and ever since then I've watched her like a hawk for the moment she did anything which even remotely suggested she was out for vengeance. But that shouldn't suggest I don't like her. Just that by doing something which implied she remembers me—which I am choosing to define as 'moving out of her old living quarters'—while in the middle of a giant war against hordes of plague-ridden hell orcs, I need to have her killed. Because I am ze center of ze universe, and she 'as no reason to do anything that isn't directly related to me.
BLAKE: ….. [Very QUIETLY turns to LELIANA.] This is your ex? You said she was a spy, not Bitch Prime, the cosmic font from which all other bitches were spawned.
LELIANA: [COUGHS] She is… very pretty.
BLAKE: Yes. You know what else is pretty? Poisonous snakes. I wouldn't wanna date one of them.
LELIANA: I was young!
BLAKE: Were you five? Because that's the main reason I can think of to be taken in by this woman. Being literally too young to understand the concept of death, which she will inevitably bring to anyone she associates with.
LELIANA: Look, you know how it is. You're just out of spy school, you meet a sexy older woman, she talks you into bed and teaches you positions you didn't know existed, and the next thing you know you're in Tevinter, killing a man.
BLAKE: I don't know how that is at all. That doesn't sound remotely like any school experience I ever had.
LELIANA: We clearly went to very different universities. It was all ze rage at Bard Tech.
BLAKE: That isn't a real school.
LELIANA: Sure it is! Go Fighting Songbirds!
MARJOLAINE: A-hem. Why are none of you noticing me? Ze important one?
BLAKE: You know, we're here to kill you. You probably shouldn't be trying to grab our attention.
MARJOLAINE: Bwahahahaha… you don't even know, do you? I am, like Leliana, trained as a great Orlesian bard! I can sing deadly magical songs which empower me and 'arm my foes.
BLAKE: … So? If Leliana's bard singing was any good, I'd probably have mentioned it before now. Frankly, at this point I'm just glad you're not claiming to be my evil twin Raoul.
MARJOLAINE: How did you know about Raoul?! I thought he was long dead! Unless… gasp! Do I have… amnesia?!
BLAKE: Why do I say things.
MARJOLAINE: But it matters not! For now, you'll face the deadliest power of all, the elegant, mystical song of a bard, musical notes which can ensnare ze senses and bewitch ze soul! [Takes a DEEP BREATH, preparing her PERFECTLY TUNED vocal chords to cast out a BEAUTIFUL SONG which would MYSTICALLY PARALYZE all who OPPOSE HER.] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.
BLAKE: The Hell is that?!
LELIANA: Gasp! It is ze deadly Captivating Song, ze mightiest power of ze bard! She will stun us all wiz each note she sings!
ALISTAIR: I actually don't feel stunned.
ZEVRAN: Is she doing it right? She kind of just threw back her head and screamed.
MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.
MORRIGAN: I didn't realize there were people who could sing worse than Leliana.
LELIANA: I am a wonderful singer. And it isn't a perfect song, you know! It only has a chance to stun people who hear it. I guess she's gotten pretty unlucky so far.
WYNNE: Oh! Oh, I feel a bit stunned. [SITS DOWN]
LELIANA: You see? Terrifying.
MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.
MORRIGAN: Are we certain it wasn't just Wynne being a wizened crone? She is quite ancient.
LELIANA: It was ze terrifying song, dammit. Wynne was stunned, making her unable to face Marjolaine's horrible assaults.
BLAKE: She isn't making any assaults, Leliana. She's just… 'singing'.
LELIANA: [COUGH] Well. Yes. While using zis song, you cannot so much… move. Or attack. Or do anyzing at all but sing more.
MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHONK.
BLAKE: Okay. Um. So she has a random chance to temporarily stun us, but she can't do anything about it. I… am I the only one who sees the flaw in this tactic?
DOG: Woof, woof.
STEN: I do not know what this dog said about this 'strategy,' but the very fact the dog is the one who said it is a deeper condemnation than anything I could possibly offer.
MARJOLAINE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG-[STABBED]
[SCENE: CAMP. It is roughly 1:30 in the AFTERNOON, which is NIGHT.]
LELIANA: So. Errrm.
BLAKE: You wanna explain all of… that?
LELIANA: I wasn't going to say anything, actually. I guess I was hoping you'd just forget about it.
BLAKE: It was pretty memorable.
LELIANA: Well, you know how I'm a bard? And bards are spies in my home country of Fantasy France? And I was a spy, and Marjolaine was my spy master and we were also lovers, and then she betrayed me and left me to be tortured for her crimes?
BLAKE: Yes, thank you, I worked that much out.
LELIANA: Well, I was thinking I kind of miss the spying, which is what I assume you were going to ask about.
BLAKE: I… no, that's… not really what I was going to ask about. I was going to ask why anyone would possibly every sleep with that psychotic weirdo.
LELIANA: Do you think I should be a spy again? Or go back to being a nun?
[This is what is known as a MORAL CHOICE. BLAKE will have to make SEVERAL of these on her JOURNEY, and they MAY or MAY NOT have LASTING EFFECTS. It is HIGHLY IMPORTANT that such decisions be approached with TACT and DIGNITY, because by choosing to ENCOURAGE one's party members to be LESS MORAL, or 'HARDENING' them, you GREATLY AFFECT their CHARACTER GROWTH. BLAKE considered ALL OF THIS.]
BLAKE: … …. … Well, which option will eventually lead to you, me, Zevran, and a beautiful pirate queen having a crazy four-way in a filthy brothel?
LELIANA: Guess.
[And then, LELIANA was HARDENED.]
BLAKE: All right, everyone. Life has finally improved for me, so I'm feeling industrious. Who wants to do a main quest?
ALISTAIR: I love you.
ZEVRAN: My mother died when I was a child and I was taken as a slave by assassins. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]
BLAKE: Not letting it get me down!
[SCENE: The BRAY… BREE… BRAEKIL… … … The ELF FOREST, DALISH CAMP, ext. Overall Mood: LYCANTHROPIC.]
BLAKE: So, Alistair.
ALISTAIR: Yes, snuggle-buns?
BLAKE: Stop that. We have three Grey Warden treaties to use, right? Mages, elves, and dwarves.
ALISTAIR: You deliver exposition so beautifully.
BLAKE: The thing is, we only saved like ten mages.
WYNNE: Nine, if you don't count the one from the foyer who has decided she's a sin against the Maker. And let's be honest, you shouldn't.
MORRIGAN: You shouldn't count any of them.
WYNNE: Don't make me come over there, young lady.
MORRIGAN: [Muttered] Don't make… me come over there. You… old person.
BLAKE: My point. Is that our first army wasn't quite up to snuff. And now I look at our second army…
[There are about FORTY elves. Maybe HALF of them can WALK. The rest are on the GROUND, wrapped in BLOODY BANDAGES and WRITHING IN AGONY.]
BLAKE: … and I gotta say, I see a similar problem.
ALISTAIR: We'll always have Arl Eamon.
BLAKE: You swore you would stop talking about that if we went there first.
ALISTAIR: I may have been dishonest.
ELF GUARD: Halt, humans! You intrude upon the lands of the Dalish Elves! Our mighty armies shall cut you down should you take a step further toward our refuge!
BLAKE: … There are three of you. And seven of us.
DOG: Bark!
BLAKE: I know it's actually eight. Don't worry, I was counting you as one of the seven. Alistair is the one I was skipping.
ALISTAIR: I love you too.
ELF GUARD: … Okay, actually, I think you aren't a threat anyway. Um, what's up?
BLAKE: We're technically Grey Wardens, and there's a whole darkspawn situation. We were hoping to recruit your, um, 'mighty army.'
ELF GUARD: [GLANCES back at the COUNTLESS WOUNDED.] It is mighty, you know.
BLAKE: Uh-huh.
ELF GUARD: Having a bit of an off-day, maybe, but really quite mighty when you get to know it.
BLAKE: I'm sure.
ELF GUARD: Technically it will be even mightier soon, though a bit less, you know, controllable. And possibly furrier.
BLAKE: … Explain?
ELF GUARD: I don't know. You'd have to talk to Zethrian, and he doesn't really like strangers. Or humans. Actually just humans. Really not a human enthusiast.
ZEVRAN: Ah-hem.
ELF GUARD: …. … … … Oh my.
ZEVRAN: Do I even have to say it?
ELF GUARD: Well. Um. You don't have to, but… could you?
ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrows.
ELF GUARD: [SHUDDER] So, you can come. [PAUSE] Come in. You can come in. To camp. I mean, you can… if you want to, I….
ZEVRAN: Everrrry time, baby.
TALL, BALD, AND ANGRY: Greetings, Grey Warden. I am Zathrian, the leader of this band of Dalish elves, the last free elves on this world. I welcome you, though you are an inferior human animal little better than a rabid possum dying alone on a rotting log, bloated with disease and maggots crawling through its putrid flesh.
BLAKE: I sense some animosity.
ZATHRIAN: You probably imagined that. Tell me, what can the Dalish do for you? We have little to give that your warlike monster-species has not already stolen from us, carving it from the blood of our helpless youths as you spread across this continent like a plague.
BLAKE: I… had a, like… treaty, to ask for your army to help us. You know, because Darkspawn. I'm a Grey Warden, and all.
ALISTAIR: And she's far more beautiful than any possum.
ZATHRIAN: Well, I would be pleased to offer my help to the Grey Wardens. I can offer you a mighty Dalish army of nearly fifty soldiers.
BLAKE: … … … I feel like I didn't advertise the threat properly. You see, there are quite a lot of Darkspawn. I want to say a great horde in the tens of thousands. And fifty elves is… well. Fifty. I can count to fifty. I won't take me very long. Fifty seconds, in fact. I don't believe I can count to tens of thousands.
MORRIGAN: Alistair can't count to fifty.
BLAKE: Thank you for your help, Morrigan. You're a good person.
MORRIGAN: Still plotting against you.
BLAKE: Hush. Anyway, Zethrian, I'm hoping you see the, well, the issue here. Tens of thousands. Fifty. Numbers don't add up.
ZATHRIAN: Well. That's good, because fifty soldiers was actually not the number I can provide at this time.
BLAKE: … You're about to say you can't give us any, huh.
ZATHRIAN: It isn't our fault.
BLAKE: I'm still going to blame you.
ZATHRIAN: Look, we were walking through this forest on our way to be elves, and we were suddenly attacked by werewolves. They've killed many of our people and infected others with their filthy, human disease.
ALISTAIR: Why did you call it a 'human' disease if they're wolves?
BLAKE: … Alistair, that was oddly insightful of you.
ALISTAIR: I love you too, schmoopy-schmoo.
ZATHRIAN: Look, it's just an assumption. Because humans are, much like dogs, filthy flea-bitten mongrels that should all be killed. [PAUSE.] It isn't as though I have some sort of dark secret. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
BLAKE: I'm going to stab you in the face, you motherf-
WYNNE: She means we'd be happy to help.
BLAKE: Do I, though?!
WYNNE: [FIRMLY] You do , young lady.
BLAKE: [MUTTERED] … You do… old… person.
ZATHRIAN: Very well. You must go into the woods filled with werewolves and kill the great white wolf Witherfang, the source of the lycanthropic curse. You will not ask how I know this.
BLAKE: I feel we should ask.
ZATHRIAN: I feel you should shut up. My First, Lanaya, will tell you more and give you access to the amazing gear of the Dalish, which will most certainly not be outclassed before you even reach it. Go forth, and if you must die to save my people, please feel free. In fact, you could maybe try to die even if you don't have to.
MORRIGAN: He seems nice.
[SCENE: The DALISH CAMP, slightly off to the LEFT. This probably didn't merit a SCENE CHANGE.]
LANAYA: So, I understand if you don't feel super welcome. But it's okay. I'm here to tell you a story that will make you feel very bad, and then direct you at some sidequests.
BLAKE: … Yay?
LANAYA: I was kidnapped by bandits as a child. They killed my parents, turned me into the helpless slave and plaything of their vile lusts. I was trapped for years, tormented and degraded. It was only through the sheerest luck that I was eventually saved by these Dalish elves, who then looked down on me for years until I clawed my way up to this position of authority through sheer determination and raw competence.
[The SILENCE that follows this STORY could be CUT WITH A KNIFE.]
ZEVRAN: So are you going to be a party member? Because a backstory that awful actually makes me think 'party member.'
BLAKE: Zevran!
ZEVRAN: What?
BLAKE: Too soon!
ZEVRAN: I was a slave too. There was some very inappropriate things going on. Morrigan was kidnapped as a child…
MORRIGAN: I also have a dark secret. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]
ZEVRAN: Alistair has never been loved by one single person in his entire life…
ALISTAIR: Except my huggy-wuggy-snuggy-bunny.
ZEVRAN: Leliana, well, we just covered the torture and rape and betrayal, and let's be honest, she can't sing either.
LELIANA: I am ze great singer.
ZEVRAN: And Wynne…
WYNNE: Is a normal woman with no personal issues and no dark secrets. So stop asking questions.
ZEVRAN: Yes, that.
BLAKE: You know, he actually has a point. She kind of is party-member material. Lanaya, want to join u-
[LANAYA, being far more SENSIBLE than most people, is LONG GONE.]
BLAKE: Oh, let's just go save the stupid elves from the stupid werewolves.
DOG: Bark bark!
BLAKE: Yeah, you say that now.
[SCENE: BRAKA-LIECIAN FOREST, deep in the WOODS, ext. Mood: WOODSLY.]
CRAZY WIZARD: Whee hee hee hee! I live out in the woods and play riddle games with passerby! The only hope you have to reach the temple at the center of this forest is to defeat me in a [STABBED]
LELIANA: … Wasn't that a bit extreme?
BLAKE: I'm sorry, but this is a forest full of werewolves and for some reason the trees come alive and attack too. I'm in a hurry and I'm going to stab anyone who tries to slow me down.
MORRIGAN: If you were a man, I would be all over you right now.
STEN: Wait, Blake is female?
BLAKE: Are you slowing me down, friends?
ALISTAIR: I'm not. I'm helping us progress by clearing out the magical wards upon these nearby graves so they don't produce a problem.
BLAKE: … … … Please let them be nice, normal graves with nothing inside but a dead person?
REVENANT, TERRIBLE UNDEAD SLAUGHTERER OF ARMIES: Hiiiiiiiiiii.
[SCENE: Back in the same FOREST, after gluing everyone's LIMBS back on.]
BLAKE: Okay. Okay. Sweet Maker, nobody touch anything. Everything will be fine. We are just going to skip that sidequest, all right? I'm not a completionist. I will learn to live without whatever rewards we might have gotten. Leave the graves alone.
ALISTAIR: You mean the grave I already desecrated to get us our rematch? Because I didn't leave that one alone.
REVENANT, DEMONIC KNIGHT CLOAKED IN THE FLESH OF AN ANCIENT WARRIOR: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
[SCENE: Back in the same FOREST, after pulling all the SHARDS of BLAKE's armor out of her SPINE.]
BLAKE: You guys. You guys. You guys. I don't want… I don't. You guys. Don't. Hahahahaha…
MORRIGAN: I think you broke her.
ALISTAIR: Love makes people say strange things.
BLAKE: No touch graves!
LELIANA: Shhhhhh. There, there, honey. Everything will be okay. I won't let them hurt you again. You can trust me.
BLAKE: Oh yeah, because you did such a great job the first two times. You sure did show that guy, hitting him in the sword with your face.
LELIANA: … You're going to need to get me flowers to make me happy after that.
BLAKE: I could bring your international espionage documents! That's what your ex-girlfriend finds romantic, right?!
LELIANA: Okay, you know what? We're on a break.
BLAKE: My legs are on a break, in case you haven't noticed! And we weren't a couple yet anyway!
LELIANA: What are you talking about? Of course we were. I told you I like your hair, the universal declaration of love, and you didn't stab me in return. We're a couple.
ALISTAIR: That sounds right to me.
ZEVRAN: Ah, young love.
BLAKE: Yaaaaaaaaarghbble!
[This ADVENTURE has not been BLAKE's best EXPERIENCE.]
[SCENE: The heart of the WOODS, a RUINED ELVEN TEMPLE, ext.]
BLAKE: All right. All right. Against all odds, we have managed to, as a team, survive a twenty-minute walk through the woods.
STEN: I would be proud of us, if I was not absolutely certain the next twenty minutes were going to lead to at least one of us suffering severe bodily harm.
MORRIGAN: Probably Alistair.
STEN: Yes, that is where I was leading.
MORRIGAN: I like you.
BLAKE: Look, we all want Alistair to suffer bodily harm. But-
ALISTAIR: I don't want that!
BLAKE: This discussion doesn't involve you.
ALISTAIR: I feel pretty involved!
WYNNE: Don't worry, dear. I won't let you die horribly. After all, you don't have a spirit to reanimate your corpse. [PAUSE] Not that this is a thing that happens.
BLAKE: Subtle, Granny Foreshadow. But if it helps, I'm actually on Alistair's side this time. See, the thing is, I got some signs that Zathrian isn't exactly acting in our best interests.
LELIANA: Whatever do you mean?
[SCENE: The DALISH CAMP, at that VERY MOMENT.]
ZATHRIAN: Lanaya, my First. Have you sent a team of hunters to kill the humans who defile our sacred forests?
LANAYA: … … … Why would I have? You hired them to go in there and solve a problem for us.
ZATHRIAN: That doesn't mean it isn't blasphemy, Lanaya. Werewolves hunting our clan is certainly awful. But humans walking through the forest? Equally as awful. You see the problem?
LANAYA: … Sir, I was actually trying to coordinate with the quartermaster, to find a new supply of cloth for the medics to use as bandages. This seems more important than this whole… line of questioning. So would it be all right if we just pretend it never came up?
ZATHRIAN: I just feel like we could be killing more humans than we are.
LANAYA: Now see, this isn't you pretending, sir. And I'm going to have to put my foot right down on the concept of you killing the humans who are trying to save us before they've even finished saving us.
ZATHRIAN: I'm gonna go out into the forest. To… check on them.
LANAYA: Sir, are you going to kill them?
ZATHRIAN: Y….no.
LANAYA: [SIGHS DEEPLY]
[SCENE: The ANCIENT ELVEN TEMPLE, int. All the eye can SEE is littered with the BONES of those who have FAILED to plumb this TERRIBLE LABYRINTH. The stench of BLOOD and BEASTS fills the air, and the HOWLING of the WEREWOLVES is interrupted only by the CHITTERING of SPIDERS, the MOANS of the UNDEAD, and the ROARS of some TERRIBLE PREDATOR. MOOD: MUCH more OMINOUS than your typical CHURCH.]
ALISTAIR: This place seems nice.
BLAKE: [SIGHS DEEPLY]
LELIANA: Vot is wrong, my darlink?
MORRIGAN: Did your accent get German for a second there?
LELIANA: Le shut up, it eez, how you say, difficult to maintain a reedeculous accent in text form. Vich is unfair anyway, because my voice actress actually is French.
MORRIGAN: What?
LELIANA: Nuzzink, moi friend.
STEN: [IGNORING the TEAM, which is the only way he GETS THROUGH THE DAY] Commander. You seem worried. Is it because you have no skill as a commander? Or because we are not remotely equipped to deal with real danger?
ALISTAIR: Don't be mean to my snuggle-bunny! She is a great leader, and we are super equipped.
STEN: I know a half of Redcliffe that would disagree.
WYNNE: Ah, Redcliffe. A beautiful community, you know. I have always loved to travel there, when I could find time away from the tower. How are they doing?
STEN: Half of them are doing very well.
BLAKE: Shut up. I'm worried because I'm planning this out, and it's going to be ugly, okay? Look around. Those skeletons over there are going to get up when we walk past them. There's a bunch of panels that are the wrong height in the floor. Can you say 'trap'? And that roar was just like when a young dragon flew over the battlements back at the Castle last season.
ALISTAIR: Oh, it won't be that bad. Traps are pretty easy to avoid if you're very careful and cautious like we always are, we have a lot of experience fighting the undead at this point…
STEN: Not as much as half of Redcliffe.
ALISTAIR: … And let's be honest, there's practically no dragons in the world, and we're underground! It probably wasn't a dragon at all.
[SCENE: ONE FLOOR DOWN, which looks mostly the SAME. The major difference would be that MOST of the party is now SOAKED IN BLOOD, on FIRE, or BOTH.]
ALISTAIR: All right. It wasn't a full-grown dragon.
BLAKE: You shut your Makerdamn face.
ALISTAIR: Awwww, honey, don't be like that. I mean, we made it through and nobody was seriously wounded.
LELIANA: I zink my brain is leaking out my ears…
ZEVRAN: Where is my hand? Where is my hand?!
MORRIGAN: Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg…
STEN: I experience pain.
ALISTAIR: Nobody at all.
WYNNE: Don't worry, as the only healer, I can heal you all. Aren't you glad you didn't say something to upset me? Antagonizing me would doom you all. And there will be other moments. You should live in constant fear of the moment you do something slightly too evil and I abandon you forever.
BLAKE: … You know, for someone who is the distilled essence of grandma, you have a bit of a dark side.
WYNNE: I look at it as helping you grow.
[WYNNE re-attaches everyone's LIMBS, and because she's SO NICE she even makes sure to ATTACH them to the RIGHT PEOPLE. The team opens ONE DOOR.]
HORDE OF WEREWOLVES: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
BLAKE: … Okay. We got this. At this point, I think we're all armored by our scar tissue, right? And Alistair smells vaguely of cheese, so they'll probably want to eat him first. Everyone, get them while they chew on Alistair.
ALISTAIR: I have issues with this plARRRRRGHLBLBE
BLAKE: Go team!
[SCENE: The HEART of the TEMPLE. There is a LARGE TREE, some WEREWOLVES, and a HOT GREEN NAKED FOREST NYMPH. MOOD: Awwwwwwwwwwwww YEAH.]
LADY OF THE FOREST: Greetings, travelers.
BLAKE: [Makes a kind of a SQUEAKING NOISE, but produces no WORDS.]
LADY: I rule these woods, and seek to comfort and calm the wolves within. They have been cursed, you see, tormented with this animalistic spirit by a mage you yourselves know.
BLAKE: [DROOLS]
LADY: Centuries ago, the humans of these woods murdered Zathrian's children in an act of base cruelty, and in his rage and grief he bound a spirit to a great wolf, cursing them to… I'm sorry, are you listening? You seem a bit zoned out.
BLAKE: Oh. Um. [PAUSE, to consider a CHARMING RESPONSE.] … How you doin'?
LADY: … Right. Look. I get the sense you guys aren't great at this, so I'll give you the cliffnotes version. Zathrian cursed the werewolves for something their ancestors did hundreds of years ago, and that's really unfair. I'm a pretty dryad, but I'm also the wolf who caused the curse, and he sent you to kill me so he could cure just his people. But if you get him and bring him here, we work together to cure everyone. That will be the good ending to this quest.
BLAKE: Sure. And like, if you wanted to grab coffee or…
LELIANA: A-HEM.
BLAKE: You can come too! You're hardened, right?
LELIANA: Oh, le shut up. [Drags BLAKE out of the ROOM by her EAR. On the way out of the TEMPLE, they encounter ZATHRIAN, in a rare case of the game being CONVENIENT and not making you WALK the whole way BACK.]
ZATHRIAN: I knew you would betray me!
BLAKE: What?
ZATHRIAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you about to tell me you killed all the werewolves and brought me the heart of the head wolf to undo the curse upon my people?
BLAKE: No, we-
ZATHRIAN: I knew you would betray me!
ALISTAIR: Psssssssssssssssssssst. I think this one might be the villain.
DOG: [JUDGMENTALLY] Woof.
BLAKE: Man, you can say that again.
DOG: [CONSPIRATORIALLY] Woof.
BLAKE: Ha! Don't worry, I won't tell him. He wouldn't listen even if I did.
DOG: [MOCKINGLY] 'Woof woof, woof! Wooooof.'
BLAKE: HAHAHAHA! Oh Maker, he sounds exactly like that! You are the best at this. Do Sten next!
DOG: [STOICALLY] 'Woof.'
BLAKE: He does like swords!
ZATHRIAN: [COUGHS POLITELY]
BLAKE: … Right, you were here. Um, come with us. We need to take you downstairs. The sexy naked forest nymph asked, and I make it a point to always do as asked by anyone who looks like a beautiful statue came to life. We're gonna cure everyone of your curse.
ZATHRIAN: We absolutely are not. I made it very clear when I cast that curse it was to be forever, i.e. for all of time. If I lower it, I don't my money's worth. Because that will be less than forever.
WYNNE: Excuse me, young man? Did you sass me?
ZATHRIAN: What did you just say to me, human? I should…
WYNNE: Did you. Just. Sass me?
ZATHRIAN: [QUIETLY] … No 'm.
WYNNE: And are you going to come downstairs with us?
ZATHRIAN: [QUIETLY] … Don't wanna…
WYNNE: But you're going to, or I shall be very disappointed in you.
ZATHRIAN: [QUIETLY] … Yes 'm.
WYNNE: And you're going to talk to your wolf-spirit in the form of an unclad young lady?
ZATHRIAN: [QUIETLY] … Yes 'm.
[SCENE: Back DOWNSTAIRS. Yes, we have used TWO SCENE CHANGES to leave and re-enter the SAME ROOM.]
LADY: Zathrian, my creator. I beg you, please save both your people and my own. Only you can, father, and together
LELIANA: I'm really glad we went for the good ending here.
ALISTAIR: Yeah. It makes me feel good that we saved everyone without a giant pointless fight.
WYNNE: It truly was a wonderful day.
LADY: Will you join me, and save everyone that together we might finally end our centuries of pain and let our peoples find peace?
ZATHRIAN: BITCH DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
[ZATHRIAN waves his hands, instantly PARALYZING every werewolf in the room and the LADY OF THE FOREST while SIMULTANEOUSLY making a bunch of TREES come alive to KILL EVERYONE. Thank the LADY OF THE FOREST for living in the only UNDERGROUND CAVE full of TREES.]
[BLAKE casts a meaningful glare at her own MAGES because none of them can do ANYTHING remotely that COOL.]
MORRIGAN: … Stop judging me.
[SCENE: The same ROOM, only there are a bunch of BURNING TREE MEN and ZATHRIAN has LOOKED BETTER.]
BLAKE: You gonna lower the curse now?!
ZATHRIAN: You seem mad.
BLAKE: One of your tree monsters tore all the hair off the right side of my head.
ALISTAIR: I still love you.
LELIANA: Oui, it is a bold fashion statement!
BLAKE: Hsssssssssssssssssssss.
ZATHRIAN: Um. All right, lowering the curse will actually kill me, but I think at this point that's the gentle option for me. So. Um, when you wanna…
BLAKE: NOW.
ZATHRIAN: You know, when you get to the Deep Roads section, you're going to look back on this quest fondly, so…
BLAKE: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
ZATHRIAN: Fine, fine! Lowering the curse, jeez.
ZEVRAN: On the plus side, my hair is still amazing.
[Thank the MAKER for SMALL FAVORS.]