Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 52: El Pasión De Los Dragones
BLAKE:All right. We have acquired an army of… *sigh*… one-hundred and ten people. How many Darkspawn do we need to fight?
LELIANA: Infinite.
BLAKE: Yeah, see, the odds aren't great here. I thought maybe we could do this if the dwarves at least gave us an army. I was expecting them to do a better job than the elves, at least. Elves suck.
ZEVRAN: Hey, that's not… … … [SIGHS SADLY] actually, no, we pretty much do suck.
BLAKE: But the dwarves! They're strong and proud. I had amazing hopes for the dwarves.
OGHREN: *Belch* I like ham.
BLAKE: Though in hindsight, I question why.
STEN: Most of them are not as bad as this one.
LELIANA: No, zey are worse.
STEN: … Yes, I was going to leave that part out. It would be falsely reassuring. Your people find this socially acceptable. I have learned much of your lands in my time here.
BLAKE: So… I dunno. Do we have any other options? Because everyone seems to expect us to save the world but we don't even have enough people to fill a baseball stadium.
MORRIGAN: Fourth wall.
BLAKE: I mean… a… um… crap, I don't know what sports we play in this world. A… dragonball stadium?
GOKU: Man, leave me out of this mess.
BLAKE: Oh, whatever. We don't have enough people to fill a metaphor. The point is we need a bigger army and I don't think there's any way to get one!
ALISTAIR: Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
BLAKE: Sten, maybe you could bring in some qunari?
STEN: My people sent me. That will be sufficient.
BLAKE: Oh, please, you only have one specialization, even Alistair is more efficient at being a warrior than you. So get out there and bring some friends! Everyone is going to love the qunari for like, the rest of this one game, before we really get to know them.
MORRIGAN: FOURTH WALL!
BLAKE: Look, bitch, if you don't have an army of swamp wolves to help out, you can just shut your face. Nobody cares about the fourth wall anymore.
ALISTAIR: [WHIMPERS like a sad cocker spaniel.] I know what we can dooooooo!
MORRIGAN: I don't control animals, I turn into them.
BLAKE: Yeah, and it sucks.
MORRIGAN: It's a perfectly valid power for any mage to… … … [SIGHS SADLY] actually no, it pretty much does suck.
BLAKE: So, seriously, if anyone has any idea what we should be doing at this point? Because the odds are looking pretty slim, though any odds would look bad if the other side has infinite, so…
ALISTAIR: YOU GUYS IF YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME, WE NEVER SAVED ARL EAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
BLAKE: Oh my Maker what's wrong with him?!
MORRIGAN: Did you break him with your sexual teasing?!
BLAKE: What?!
WYNNE: What?!
ALISTAIR: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
BLAKE: I wasn't talking to you!
LELIANA: What?!
ZEVRAN: My hair looks amazing today!
ALISTAIR: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
STEN: *punches ALISTAIR in the side of the HEAD*
BLAKE: Oh sweet Andraste, thank you. Thank you, you noble fascist fanatic giant.
STEN: Really more like a combination of Communism and a weird cult.
BLAKE: Whatever. Alistair! What was that, you spaz?!
ALISTAIR: I-I was just saying, that w-we never f-finished saving Arl Eamon and I really wanna save Arl Eamon, he's the coolest guy and my best friend and my dad and he made me sleep in the barn but in a nice way and sure he shipped me off to the Templars but he didn't mean it and…
LELIANA: I am, 'ow you zay, befuddled. Did we not save Redcliffe?
MORRIGAN: I distinctly remember we did, because we did not feed that insufferable Orlesian woman to zombies despite the fact I dearly wished to.
LELIANA: Oh, I don't know, Isolde was a bit overbearing, but she wasn't zat bad…
MORRIGAN: I meant you.
LELIANA: Ah, right, vous are ze bitch, I keep forgetting.
MORRIGAN: I don't see how, I'm very thorough about it.
BLAKE: Either way, I'm absolutely sure we did save Redcliffe, though the details are a little fuzzy.
STEN: You had a mental breakdown after a tedious experience in the Fade.
BLAKE: *twitch* I have no memory of that. I have no memory of that. I have no memory of that. [Lets out a PAINED SOB.]
ZEVRAN: I would doubt that, but her mind breaks like cheap glass. I genuinely think she might have forgotten one out of the growing list.
BLAKE: … Hey. Screw you, buddy.
ALISTAIR: You guys are ignoring me agaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
STEN: [Punches ALISTAIR in the side of the HEAD.]
BLAKE: Thank you. Dodged a bullet there.
MORRIGAN: FOURTH WALL!
BLAKE: Fine, dodged an arrow. Whatever. Slings have bullets, you know!
MORRIGAN: This game doesn't have slings! [Pauses] I mean… this… society.
BLAKE: See? It's hard! Besides, let's not mince words here, we're not even on the original rails that this story used to have anymore. This started off as a soap opera parody and we hardly even mention my evil twin Raoul anymore…
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
BLAKE: Ahhh, that brings me back. Now, Alistair, are you ready to tell us what's going on like a big boy, or are you going to throw a tantrum again? Because if I have to put you in time out, I'm leaving the Broodmother's head in there with you.
ALISTAIR: [DEEP BREATH] We only saved Conner but Arl Eamon is still dying and nobody did anything to save him and I wanna do the queeeeeeeeeeeeest!
[The SILENCE is almost as deafening as ALISTAIR'S UNHAPPINESS.]
BLAKE: … Crap we forgot the actual Arl! All we helped was his stupid wife and brat son!
ALISTAIR: … Those are still my family, you know, I wish you wouldn't…
BLAKE: SHUT UP, Alistair!
ALISTAIR: Yes, honey.
BLAKE: Okay, okay, okay. We still have time, right? I mean, infinite darkspawn isn't that many, I'm sure Loghain has this in the bag.
[SCENE: DENERIM, Palace int.]
QUEEN ANORA: Father? I have been hearing some rumors that a horde of infinite darkspawn have invaded the kingdom and are slowly spreading across our lands like a plague, destroying our lands as they go, and no resistance is being mounted against them because you're focused on the civil war you started.
LOGHAIN: Those, like the rumors I killed your husband, are entirely false. After all, if I had killed your husband, I would have disguised it so he looked like he died in battle.
ANORA: That is how it looks like he died.
LOGHAIN: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
ANORA: Father, I have been trying to roll with this whole situation. But you know, I feel like you've been dishonest with me on some points.
LOGHAIN: I didn't kill your husband, if that's what you mean. And Darkspawn are a myth, like dragons.
ANORA: It seems weird that you keep bringing that up. And I have to point out that dragons are real, that's why we call this century the Dragon Age. Because someone saw a dragon when it was starting.
LOGHAIN: Oh, honey. That was all the Orlesians. They rigged up a hologram projector, a piece of cheese, and three bits of string, and projected a false image of a dragon on a cloud. Just like now with the Darkspawn! There isn't any horde, it's just old man Gaspard in disguise, trying to drive us off our land so he can hunt for pirate treasure. And once I'm done with the traitors and Arl Eamon dies of the poison I didn't give him, I'll be sure to go down there and catch him in a net to pull his mask off.
ANORA: Father, I suspect the stresses of running the kingdom are beginning to get to your mind a bit. … Wait, did you say you poisoned Arl Eamon?
TIM CURRY: The jig is up! We'll have to kill her!
ANORA: Gah where did you come from.
LOGHAIN: No! Andraste's sake, how many times do I have to make that clear to you?! Nobody is to hurt my daughter!
TIM CURRY: I'll kill her with my murderin' knife!
ANORA: Father, I have to point out that his actions aren't really helping sell your story.
LOGHAIN: Oh, sweetie, you know what he's like. He's always saying things like that. It's the only thing that makes him smile.
TIM CURRY: I will gut you with a hook made from the bones of orphans!
LOGHAIN: See? He's harmless.
ANORA: Father, I'm forced to consider that perhaps you and Arl Tim Curry killed my husband and have been endeavoring to control the kingdom behind my back.
LOGHAIN: I'm hurt by your lack of trust, Anora. Why can't you trust me?
ANORA: Well, it's just that you've locked me in the palace, you've taken my army, you fled the battle in which my husband died under mysterious circumstances, you're pale and have creepy black hair, and of course Arl Tim Curry is voiced by Tim Curry.
LOGHAIN: That's silly. Like just because he's voiced by Tim Curry, he murdered his best friend to steal his lands and has a torture chamber in his castle basement! He doesn't, I must specify.
ANORA: Father, those are really specific denials, and I'm sorry, but I just can't accept them when a horde of monsters is eating the southern provinces. I'm going to have to kindly ask that you leave my castle and return rulership of my kingdom to me immediately, so we might begin fighting for our lives.
TIM CURRY: [Kidnaps ANORA off to the TORTURE DUNGEON he definitely DOESN'T have.]
LOGHAIN: This shouldn't be taken as confirmation of anything you've accused me of! He's just being friendly! [PAUSE] Darkspawn are a myth and Orlesians are putting fluoride in our water! Fake news!
[SCENE: Camp, 2 o'clock in the afternoon, at NIGHT.]
BLAKE: Yeah, that guy has a solid head on his shoulders. We definitely have time to save Arl Evan.
ALISTAIR: Eamon.
BLAKE: Nobody cares. Where are we supposed to go? I honestly don't think we ever really asked anyone.
ALISTAIR: It's okay! I've spent the last three weeks putting together a detailed list of the exact locations we need to be, ever since we started our quest! I kept it attached to the back of my shield and stopped to write in it whenever we got into a fight.
BLAKE: … … … Should I stop to explain why that was poor tactics, or…
MORRIGAN: He wouldn't understand. Just move on.
ALISTAIR: First, we need to go to talk to Brother Genitivi in Denerim, the legendary scholar. Only he might know the location of the Urn of Sacred Ashes.
[SILENCE. You could DROWN in it.]
ALISTAIR: What?
LELIANA: We… we were waiting for the rest of it.
ALISTAIR: There is no rest of it. That's the whole thing. I mean, we never went past the first step, so how could there be more?
[SILENCE. Five solid MINUTES.]
ZEVRAN: That… that took you… three weeks?
ALISTAIR: I needed to triple check my punctuation.
BLAKE: … … … Let's… let's just not think about it.
[SCENE: DENERIM. The home of BROTHER GENITIVI, the noted ARCHAELOGIST, who is WORLD FAMOUS but nobody will EVER mention him AFTER THIS QUEST.]
WEYLON: Hello there, bwahahaha. I am Weylon, a normal good person who works for the revered Brother Genitivi. Bwahahaha. I am a good person. Bwaha.
BLAKE: … … … So you killed Brother Genitivi, right? You're some kind of serial killer?
WEYLON: That's absurd. I'm not a….. serial killer.
LELIANA: Why did you, 'ow do you zay, emphasize 'serial'?
ZEVRAN: You can pronounce 'emphasize' but not 'say'?
LELIANA: Le shut up.
WEYLON: Anyway, hahaha, the Brother is gone, hahaha. He will… definitely be heard from again. Bwahahaha. Bwahahahahaahahahahaha!
BLAKE: Will what we 'hear' be the sound of the blood leaking from his severed head?
WEYLON: … … … No.
STEN: I suspect deception. We should search this dwelling.
BLAKE: Noooooooooooooooo, ya don't saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. [GASPS dramatically, due to her DEEP SURPRISE.] We'll get more experience points if we follow the whole questline, so shut up and turn off your brain, big guy.
MORRIGAN: Fourth wall!
BLAKE: We're not friends Morrigan you can't tell me what to do.
DOG: Bark, bark!
BLAKE: Fine, I'll try to stop breaking the story integrity. For you. [Turns to MORRIGAN.] You see what you can get if you just ask nicely? I'm always willing to be reasonable with someone who is pleasant and polite.
ALISTAIR: [COOS with HAPPINESS.] I'm so glad we're finally doing my quest, honey.
BLAKE: ALISTAIR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART.
[SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER, ext. The little PUB off in the CORNER that you have to visit MORE THAN YOU'D THINK.]
BLAKE: All right! I need to know what happened to Brother Genitivi, everyone, so…
OGHREN: Actually, I need ta take a detour, fer personal reasons. We need ta go to Lake Calenhad, just outside yer Circle tower.
BLAKE: … … … Oghren, where do you think we are?
OGHREN: I got no earthly idea, talkin' pair of pants. [Takes a SWIG of something that STEAMS and kills the GRASS when it drips off his BEARD.] If ya see Blake, tell her I need ta talk.
BLAKE: … Someone else deal with this, I'm gonna go inside and talk to the bartender.
ALISTAIR: To ask him for information to save the Arl?!
BLAKE: Sure. [Goes inside to ORDER A BEER.]
OGHREN: Ah, hey, Blake! There ya are.
STEN: I know you are not talking to me.
OGHREN: Fine ta see ya again, boss. Yer the prettiest wench I ever seen up here in this sunlit hell, I can tell ya that. [BELCHES.] But there's one wench even finer an' more mountainously solid than you, an' she dwells on the shore of lake Calenhad, like a beautiful aquatic moss. An' I wanna pork 'er real good.
ZEVRAN: You know, I have spent my life in every sort of dive bar and brothel imaginable, albeit usually to kill one of the occupants, and I have never seen someone as drunk as this. It's almost an accomplishment.
STEN: I am going to kill him. Does anyone care if I kill him?
LELIANA: You… probably shouldn't…
MORRIGAN: That is her way pitifully moral way of saying 'no,' in case you were wondering. Nobody cares at all.
ZEVRAN: Trained assassin. His life means absolutely nothing to me. I could gut you all without feeling any emotion whatsoever.
WYNNE: [GLARES]
ZEVRAN: … I didn't say I was going to.
DOG: [CLEARS his THROAT] Bark. Bark bark, bark. Bark, woof, woof, awooooo. Bark. Bark! Bark woof, woof, grrrr, bark bark. Woof woof? Bark! Bark woof, grrrrr, awoooo. Awooooooooo! Woof woof woof, bark. Ruff.
LELIANA: [Wipes away a TEAR.] S-so beautiful… you should have been a poet, my friend.
STEN: I cannot deny the wisdom of your words. Come, dwarf, we shall find you woman willing to accept your disgusting existence.
ALISTAIR: I already have one of those!
BLAKE: [Orders another ROUND.]
[SCENE: SPOILED PRINCESS TAVERN, int.]
FELSI THE DWARF: Order up! Boss, I need three more flagons and-
STEN: [SLAMS OPEN THE DOOR.]
FELSI: HOLY SH-
STEN: [LIFTS HER BODILY.] MATE WITH THIS VILE DWARF.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
OGHREN: Hey, babe. Long time no see.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
OGHREN: Yeah, I missed you too.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
OGHREN: So, hey, I'm single. And gotta say, you're lookin' mighty fine, all curvaceous an' screaming. Wanna like, hook up some time? Get some grub, slam back a few brews, bang behind the wood shed?
STEN: YOU DO. THIS DISGUSTING SMALL MAN IS YOUR FUTURE.
FELSI: PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
OGHREN: Man, I am the best at romance.
BLAKE: You know, if you guys are gonna keep screaming, it's gonna be super hard for me to get hammered. I guess we should go.
ALISTAIR: Oh, wow, you already found out about brother Genitivi?
BLAKE: Who?
ALISTAIR: Th…the one we came here to find. I… it was my quest…?
BLAKE: …. Oh. Oh! Right. Um, yeah, I… asked about him. There was… he was… gone. You know how these things are. Nothing doing. He was probably never here. I guess we'll just have to give up, because there is nothing strange about this place at all.
PSYCHOTIC CULTISTS: [Ambush outta NOWHERE.]
[SCENE: DENERIM, BROTHER GENETIVI'S home, int.]
BLAKE: [With an ARROW in the side of her FACE. It is the LEAST THREATENING THING about her expression.] So hey, douche. About that inn you asked us to visit.
WEYLON: … … … … I'll be super honest, I was expecting you to die there.
BLAKE: No shit. But guess what, douchebag, I survive everything.
WYNNE: I can't argue with that. She's shockingly hard to actually kill, even though we do go through injury kits like candy.
BLAKE: So how about you tell me where Genitivi actually is? Or we could do this the other way, which is that I rip your face off and wear it like a hat.
LELIANA: She will do it. She's a terrifying woman.
ALISTAIR: I live my life in mortal terror of her. And yet I also love her!
LELIANA: She gave me flowers!
WEYLON: … … … I… am shielded by my faith and do not fear the heretics.
BLAKE: That is a mistake.
[SCENE: SAME, only with more BLOOD.]
BLAKE: So this research journal in the back room points out a hidden village in the mountains that the real Brother Genitivi went to. Now, call me crazy, but if I was a bloodthirsty cultist trying to keep that secret, I would have burned this journal first.
WYNNE: You are crazy.
BLAKE: … You didn't have to actually call me crazy. It's just an expression.
WYNNE: I did, because it's true. What is wrong with you?!
BLAKE: He was a murderous cultist! The real Weylon is dead in the back room!
WYNNE: You didn't have to actually wear his face as a hat!
BLAKE: I told him I was gonna do it! Would you make a liar of me, woman?!
MORRIGAN: You know, it's moments like this that remind me why I still hang around with her. She really gets me.
ALISTAIR: So, do you think that something in this mysterious village can save Arl Eamon?
BLAKE: Who?
LELIANA: Quest objective.
BLAKE: Oh! Right, Alistair was the quest giver for this one, I keep forgetting. Thanks, babe. Someone's getting herself a religious necklace later before we have sex in our underwear.
LELIANA: You know vat a voman wants, darlink.
BLAKE: … … … Did your accent just get Russian for a second there?
LELIANA: Le shut up.
ALISTAIR: [Whimpers like a PUPPY]
BLAKE: Ugh, fine. Sten, take Alistair for a walk, and then we'll go see about this hidden villa-
STEN: No.
BLAKE: … Excuse me?
STEN: I want to do my quest first. We should go find my sword.
BLAKE: … … You have a sword.
STEN: It isn't my sword. Only my sword will do.
BLAKE: [Sighs DEEPLY] Okay, whatever, fine. I guess we can stop to look for your sword on the way to do the creepy cult. Where do you remember misplacing it?
STEN: Lake Calenhad.
BLAKE: … … … We were just there.
STEN: Yes, we were.
BLAKE: You didn't say anything.
STEN: No, I did not.
BLAKE: … … … WHY?!
STEN: You had not yet said enough things I liked.
BLAKE: You… I hadn't said enough things you liked to convince you to beg me for a favor?! I have to convince you to inconvenience me?!
STEN: Yes. And I did not beg for a favor. I demanded a service.
BLAKE: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrggggggglrblerlrlrlrrrrrgh! [Begins KICKING a WALL and SHRIEKING like an ANGRY GERBIL.]
ALISTAIR: I promise I'll still love you even if you never find me a sword.
LELIANA: I prefer bows anyway!
STEN: I should also mention that this will not be the only backtracking we will be doing for this task.
MORRIGAN: … Are you single, large giant? I am suddenly very attracted to you.
[SCENE: LAKE CALENHAD, just outside that INN I told you we would be SEEING AGAIN. It is a BEAUTIFUL and SERENE spring morning.]
FELSI: Okay, boss, I'm turning in for the day and-
STEN: [EXPLODES out of the MORNING MIST] DWARF WOMAN. I SEEK THE SCAVENGERS WHO STOLE MY BLADE. ANSWER, OR MY WRATH WILL BE DEEP AND CRUEL.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
OGHREN: Hey, babe. Back already! Pleasant surprise, right?
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
STEN: YOUR SCREAMS DO NOT AID ME. AND YOU HAVEN'T MATED WITH THIS VILE DWARF YET. I AM MOST DISPLEASED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE.
OGHREN: Sorry, babe. He's a real enthusiastic wingman.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
OGHREN: Yer hair's lookin' real shiny. You like… condition or somethin'?
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
OGHREN: Looks hot.
LELIANA: Vat are you doeenk? We found ze scavengers who took your sword from ze lake.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
OGHREN: Sten here's bein' my wingman. We totally won this babe over, so just gimme a sec?
STEN: WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THAT THE SCAVENGERS WERE ELSEWHERE? YOUR PERFORMANCE CONTINUES TO DISAPPOINT, DWARF WOMAN.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
LELIANA: … In any event, we 'ave found zat your sword was sold to a merchant just outzide of, erm… Orzammar…
BLAKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
LELIANA: Our leader was not pleased zat we'd be returning zere so soon, I believe.
ALISTAIR: You have the most beautiful lungs for screaming, my little pudding pop.
FELSI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
ALISTAIR: Much lovelier than hers.
[SCENE: Just outside of ORZAMMAR. The team approaches the gates of the CITY, dragging BLAKE behind them while she CLAWS AT THE GROUND in mixed TERROR and FURY.]
WYNNE: You know, I know she's our leader, but I'm starting to legitimately wonder if she has some kind of mental condition, because these breakdowns are far too frequent to just be the admittedly severe stress she's under. She did lose her family under traumatic conditions, and who knows what Darkspawn blood does to your mind? We should see about getting her to a healer, I think.
ALISTAIR: That's probably not necessary. I drank some, and look how good my mind is!
WYNNE: Oh, sweet Maker, it's worse than I thought.
ALISTAIR: Thank you.
STEN: You. Merchant. I seek my sword.
LELIANA: … Vy are you so calm wiz zis person, and yet so furious wiz ze poor dwarf girl?
STEN: HER PERFORMANCE WAS UNSATISFACTORY.
OGHREN: Aw, Frenchie, don't be too hard on 'em. He was just bein' a great wingman! And it totally worked, she was into me, you could tell from how she was excited.
LELIANA: She was screaming in ze horror.
OGHREN: Hot.
MERCHANT: Oh, I remember that sword! Someone actually bought it, though. I'd feel really bad for anyone who came all this way looking for it! It would be an annoying backtrack that would probably lead to some random encounters, and now you just have to leave again! And… hey, weren't you all just through here like, a week ago?
BLAKE: [Incoherent SOBBING.]
MORRIGAN: We were, but it was much more dignified the first time.
WYNNE: Everyone, stop trying to change the subject. I need to know why nobody here is expressing any concern for this clearly traumatized woman. Her mind is basically strung together with fishing twine and spit, and it's deeply distressing.
ZEVRAN: Are you sure? She's always seemed so pleasant. She once gave me a pair of gloves, and several metal bars.
ALISTAIR: She gave me all her weird statues, and usually doesn't put me in the party when she knows I'm going to say something she disapproves of.
LELIANA: She gave me flowers and religious iconography. Also we 'ad sex right out in the open next to the campfire while everyone was watching. I admit it was a little odd nobody said anyzing about zis.
ZEVRAN: You can pronounce 'iconography' but not 'had'?
LELIANA: Le shut up.
WYNNE: … … … Why do I even bother to talk to you people?
MORRIGAN: I have asked that question many times. I think we would both be happier if you just stopped, don't you?
WYNNE: [SIGHS] Well. She should eventually recover once we stop backtracking. As long as we don't have to go to the Circle Tower?
MERCHANT: No, no. I sold this fine large man's sword to a warrior from Redcliffe! No Circle Tower at all. I can't imagine any reason that anyone would ever have to go there.
DAGNA THE DWARF: Did someone say reason to go to the Circle Tower?! Because I have one of those for you all!
BLAKE: [INCOHERENT HISSING SOUNDS]
DAGNA: Awwwww, don't be that way. I know you don't want to ever go back to the Circle Tower again because it's the source of all hate in the universe, and sure that my desire to go study there might seem like an unimportant sidequest now. But I'm going to be coming back in two games voiced by Laura Bailey, and everyone loves Laura Bailey. Isn't a little existential suffering worth having more Laura Bailey in your series? And more importantly, isn't me getting what I want worth you doing my work for me?
MORRIGAN: I feel oddly close to you.
DAGNA: Works every time.
BLAKE: I… will burn… the universe. You… you all do this… you draw me into darkness. Every time I think everything's okay, you… a thousand, thousand little madnesses, sucking me in, destroying my soul…
[SCENE: The CIRCLE TOWER]
WYNNE: Hey, can a dwarf move in here to study?
FIRST ENCHANTER IRVING: Hmmm… well, I guess.
WYNNE: Neat.
[SCENE: REDCLIFFE]
STEN: I want my sword back please.
DWARF MERCENARY: I normally don't give things back, but you're amazingly huge. Here you go.
STEN: Thank you. [Puts his IRREPLACEABLE and INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS unique SWORD that symbolizes his SOUL as a QUNARI WARRIOR into the communal party storage, because it is a PIECE OF GARBAGE that isn't even worth SELLING.]
[SCENE: HAVEN, the village of WEIRD CULTISTS]
BLAKE: … … … … … Okay, I admit that wasn't as bad as I was expecting.
MORRIGAN: I guess these little miniquests do go a lot faster when you already have all the maps open and the enemies cleared out. [EYES WIDEN] I mean… um… 'tis far simpler to… travel to places we have already voyaged to, whereupon… verily, doth we... manage such minor errands with…
BLAKE: Morri. Babe. The fourth wall is dead. Just… just give in.
MORRIGAN: [SOBS GENTLY]
LELIANA: [Pats MORRIGAN on the back.] Zere, zere. Maybe someone will give you a shiny necklace later. Ten of 'zem will make you fall in love!
BLAKE: My girl knows me well. Someone's gettin' a religious necklace and a flower later. Now, are we sure this is the right strange village?
MYSTERIOUS CULT CHILD: [Sings the nursery rhyme from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, before biting the HEAD off a LIVE MOUSE and GIGGLING SOFTLY.]
WYNNE: … … … It's definitely not a nice village, at least.
BLAKE: So, um. Who wants to… ask some of the population about… if they've seen our guy? You know. Go out and… and make some friends.
MORRIGAN: Alistair is very friendly I've found.
LELIANA: I can live with 'zis.
ZEVRAN: Coming here was his idea.
WYNNE: And he's such a strong young lad. Do him good to make more friends.
OGHREN: Who's 'Alistair'?
STEN: I do not care if he dies.
ALISTAIR: … … … … You know, sometimes I think you guys don't respect me as much as you do each other.
BLAKE: That is true. And sad, considering the deep, deep disrespect that pervades everything we do around each other.
ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear. I will bravely take over the scouting duties, out of my deep admiration for you. [Walks into the NEAREST BUILDING. Goes INSIDE. Walks OUT.] Yeah, wow, that building has a blood-soaked altar.
DOZEN ANGRY CULTIST WARRIORS: [Come running out, SCREAMING and brandishing SWORDS.]
MORRIGAN: I'm not entirely sure this is Alistair's fault, but I shall be blaming him regardless.
OGHREN: No, seriously, who's Alistair?
[SCENE: The CULT CHURCH.]
BLAKE: [On FIRE and wiping bits of someone's FACE off her SWORD.] All right. We just killed what was clearly more soldiers than this village could actually support. Will you please just… give up?
TWENTY MORE ANGRY CULTIST MURDERERS: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrarg!
BLAKE: I hate you guys.
[SCENE: The CULT CHURCH, in the BACK ROOM.]
BLAKE: [With a SWORD still sticking out of her BACK and a little bit more SMOKE coming out of her HAIR.] Hey guy. Are you Brother Genitivi?
BROTHER GENITIVI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
STEN: I believe this is the man we seek. He screams in the manner of a scholar.
LELIANA: I do not zee why he is so replete with consternation. We are 'ere to save 'im.
WYNNE: I assume because we're all covered in blood and Blake is on fire.
ZEVRAN: No, seriously, why am I the only one confused that she can can pronounce 'replete with consternation' but not 'here'?
LELIANA: Remind me again why you are even part of ze group?
ZEVRAN: [SMILES. One of his teeth makes that little GLEAMING effect.] Antivan Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrows.
LELIANA: [SIGHS HAPPILY.] Ah, yes. That.
BROTHER GENITIVI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
BLAKE: [SMACKS HIM] Be cool, man! We just saved your life, and let me be blunt here: it wasn't a fun time!
GENITIVI: Erm. Oh. Well, yes. I suppose you do look… a little… un-good.
BLAKE: Oh. Wow. Great scholar you are, clearly.
ALISTAIR: Brother Genitivi! I am Alistair, a noble knight of Arl Eamon of Redcliffe…
STEN: You are technically not.
ALISTAIR: … Who has come seeking out the legendary Sacred Ashes of Andraste in an epic quest…
MORRIGAN: It's arguably the least epic quest we have done. And that is saying something.
ALISTAIR: … with my true love and her allies.
BLAKE: Who's your true love?
OGHREN: Who are you?
GENITIVI: My word! You must be the greatest hero of our age, Sir Alistair! It shall be my great honor to guide you to the Urn, that you may use the legendary ashes within to heal your noble lord. I have sought it out for many years, seeking that most of sacred of relics in the name of the Maker and holy lady Andraste, and I have learned its location after endless questing and countless hours of research. Are you prepared to make the harsh and unforgiving journey from this bloody den of heretics to the site of our faith's most holy relic?!
ALISTAIR: Noble brother! Wherefore is this site, that we may purge it of evil and strike a blow for the Holy Mother?!
GENITIVI: It is… … … just up the road, and to the left.
LELIANA: Does anyone else feel like zese quests are not really living up to zere hype? Because I am starting to get zat feeling.
[SCENE: The SECRET TEMPLE of SACRED ASHES. Or RATHER, the FIRST TEMPLE, which is in front of a SYSTEM OF GIANT CAVERNS which is in FRONT OF A SECOND TEMPLE where the ASHES actually are. I guess whoever BURIED ANDRASTE knew a really good CONTRACTOR.]
BLAKE: Whoa. I have to admit, as ruins go, this blows those awful elf ruins out of the water.
ZEVRAN: Hey! Those ruins were steeped in the culture of my… … … actually, no, they pretty much sucked.
OGHREN: Eh, no lava. Dwarf ruins have lava.
BLAKE: And I hate them, so I'll take it. Plus, this is gonna be a breeze, so I'm in a good mood.
MORRIGAN: A breeze. A breeze. You think this is going to be simple for you? You have… you have met yourself, correct?
BLAKE: I got math on my side this time, see? There were only about six buildings and a church in that village, and between them all we killed at least thirty cultists. That literally has to have been their entire fighting-age population. Their farming and infrastructure was basically non-existent, and I have a hard time believing it could support even that many soldiers on top of the women, children, and elderly that any village would have. We have to have wiped out the cult's entire military arm. Logistically speaking there just can't be any more.
THIRTY ANGRY CULTIST SOLDIERS: Hi.
MORRIGAN: [Smirks INSUFFERABLY.] Someone forgot she's in a fantasy gaaaaaaaame and it doesn't need to make seeeeeeeeense…
BLAKE: You know, I change my mind. I liked you better when you respected the fourth wall.
[SCENE: The CAVES that are BEHIND the FIRST TEMPLE and in front of the SECOND TEMPLE, in case you were keeping track.]
WYNNE: You know, if I got experience points for healing, I would be level one billion by this point. You people exhaust me.
BLAKE: I have an arrow in my skull. Again.
WYNNE: And I have to fix it. You never think of my feelings, you know that? Even though I work tirelessly to reattach the pieces of you that get chopped off because, let's be blunt here, you haven't been sidequesting enough. Your levels are hardly optimized and you could have better armor. Did you even buy the DLC?
BLAKE: I… shut up. I'll get to it.
WYNNE: I'm not angry with you. I'm just very disappointed. I want you to live up to your potential. And why haven't you asked Leliana to marry you yet? I want grandchildren.
BLAKE: Just shut up, okay?! You're not even my real mom!
WYNNE: [A single DIGNIFIED TEAR rolls down her cheek.]
BLAKE: … Sorry. I… I know you just want what's best for me. And I… I'll try harder. I swear I'll get a better suit of matching heavy armor. And I'll try not to get hurt so much.
[BLAKE immediately gets BLINDSIDED by a swarm of BABY DRAGONS that come hissing out of the tunnels, shrieking and breathing licks of flame.]
WYNNE: … … … … … …
STEN: She did say 'try.'
[SCENE: the same CAVES, only the WALLS are a good bit DIRTIER. WYNNE has just finished putting BLAKE'S skin back on.]
MORRIGAN: So, we've made another excellent start. Brilliant work, everyone.
BLAKE: You just stood there while I got mauled. I don't think you get to critique our performance as a group when you didn't perform.
MORRIGAN: So in other words, I did what I've always done and you can't blame me for this. You knew what I was going to do.
BLAKE: Okay, I know you think that's logical, but…
LELIANA: Please, you two, not again. It always ends up wiz you having veird non-flirting, and zat makes me uncomfortable. Just stop being yourselves, and remember ze bright side. Dragons are le endangered! Ze odds of zere being-
BLAKE: STOP RIGHT THERE!
LELIANA: GAH! Vat?! You scared ze Fade out of me!
BLAKE: You were about to say the odds of there being more dragons were really small. Well guess frickin' what? If you say it, there's going to be way more dragons. Probably bigger ones, too. But I know how this works by now. I got you, universe. [DEEP BREATH] Oh boy! I bet there's tons more dragons in this cave!
DRAKES, MUCH LARGER AND MORE VICIOUS THAN INFANT DRAGONLINGS: Hi.
[BLAKE then LEARNED that the only thing more POWERFUL than TEMPTING FATE is trying to SCREW WITH IT.]
[SCENE: The FINAL CAVE CHAMBER.]
FATHER KOLGRIM: Heretics! You may have slaughtered your way through my loyal disciples and my army of dragonkin, but you cannot…. Oh sweet Andraste what happened to you people? Did you fight your way through them, or just disguise yourselves as corpses to sneak by?
BLAKE: [WIPING the CHARCOAL that used to be her HAIR off her HEAD] Hey, screw you, buddy. We just came to frickin' visit, and you sent like eighty dudes to kill us for no goddamn reason. You don't get to mock me when your whole thing is just living up here in the mountains being a jackass. You're not cool. You're a murderous hillbilly.
ZEVRAN: Apologies, sir. She is a terribly unpleasant person.
BLAKE: [Hands ZEVRAN a pair of BOOTS.]
ZEVRAN: [APPROVAL +10] How dare you insult our fearless leader! Take back your words, knave!
FATHER KOLGRIM: Hmmmm…. Well, you have bested my mighty armies, so you are clearly quite skilled… I think. And you have brought shirtless women to be breeding stock for our village, that we may replace our losses.
MORRIGAN: What.
FATHER KOLGRIM: Yes, I believe we can make peace. You seek the Urn of Sacred Ashes, I assume? I shall lead you to it, in exchange for a simple boon.
BLAKE: You can't keep Morrigan, but we may be willing to rent her out.
FATHER KOLGRIM: No, no. She comes later.
MORRIGAN: She doesn't 'come' at all!
ALISTAIR: Well, of course not. None of us would sleep with you.
MORRIGAN: [JAW DROP]
BLAKE: … … … Alistair, did you just… did you just… just successfully burn someone?
ZEVRAN: I feel like I just saw a unicorn.
LELIANA: I am genuinely unclear of ze proper way to react to zis.
KOLGRIM: Okay, maybe you guys aren't the right choice for this job after all.
[SCENE: The entrance to the SECOND TEMPLE that is BEHIND the CAVE that is behind the… you know what? I give up.]
KOLGRIM: So, I should take this time to explain our religion. We believe that Andraste is a dragon now.
BLAKE: What.
KOLGRIM: Our people came up here to live in the mountains, and we were like, you know what? Andraste is, like… a dragon now. She's magic, right? So she became a dragon. And that's our religion.
WYNNE: That is… not precisely orthodox belief. Can I ask why you believe that… this… thing happened?
KOLGRIM: [Smiles SMUGLY] A dragon came to land in the mountains, and we just knew, man. We saw the dragon and we were like: "Yeah, that's the messiah."
WYNNE: … … … … … … … …
LELIANA: [WHISPERED] Now, honey bear, you know I do not try to be ze wet blanket about ze whole religion zing. But I'm pretty sure we have to burn zis heretic.
BLAKE: Now, honey. You know that technically speaking, I've done some stuff to you that was a sin. Nobody's perfect.
LELIANA: Ze Maker is actually pretty unconcerned with ze sexing. He's a mellow Deity. But he is totally not down wiz ze dragon worship.
BLAKE: Okay, yes, that's a good point. But on the other hand, if there's really a dragon out here I don't want to fight it.
ALISTAIR: There probably isn't a dragon. They are nearly extinct, you know.
HIGH DRAGON, MIGHTY BEAST OF PURGING FLAME: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! [RELEASES a GOUT OF FLAME that melts the ROCK beneath its MIGHTY CLAWS to a stream of MAGMA.]
BLAKE: You know, Alistair, I really regret bringing you on this adventure sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.
KOLGRIM: Now. As you can see, this dragon is Jesus. I mean, that barely needs to be said. It just has a certain air of majesty and faith about it, I'm sure you've noted.
HIGH DRAGON: RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRG!
BLAKE: She does seem wise.
KOLGRIM: Well, as you know, the Ashes are the remains of Andraste's body from her previous life…
WYNNE: Actually, I can't legitimately say for sure if we ever explained that to everyone. I don't know if you noticed, but this quest has been kinda haphazard.
KOLGRIM: … … Okay, can you all please not talk? I seriously am starting to question why I'm asking you to do this, and the more words you say the less confident I am.
OGHREN: [BELCHES] I could seriously go for some moonshine and a bucket of lard.
KOLGRIM: …
HIGH DRAGON: …
BLAKE: We're professionals, really. And just look at Morrigan's boobs! Man, any cult would kill to have her, am I right?
MORRIGAN: Stop trying to sell me.
BLAKE: Rent you, baby. Rent. I'd never let him keep you for more than two weeks. And I'm gonna require a security deposit, obviously.
KOLGRIM: [SIGH] Look, just go in there and destroy the ashes. It will help my dragon prophet become a more prophetic prophet.
BLAKE: How?
KOLGRIM: Shut up, that's how.
[SCENE: The real final temple, ABOUT TIME.]
GUARDIAN OF THE ASHES: Hail, travelers. I am the spirit who guards this holy site, the resting place of Holy Andraste. In order to claim a fragment of the ashes, you must…
BLAKE: I actually found a FAQ online, I already know the solutions to all the puzzles.
GUARDIAN: … … I… speakest thou against what dost thine mean by yon words? Verily, I know not what art FAQ, and…
MORRIGAN: We're not bothering with the fourth wall anymore, pal. Sorry.
GUARDIAN: [SIGH] Oh, all right. At least that won't get you past the boss fight mid-way through against your party's evil twins.
BLAKE: Wait, wh-
RAOUL: Finally.
[SCENE: The CHAMBER of the ASHES.]
SPIRIT: Ah, good. You realized the final puzzle was to take off all your clothes before walking through the barrier of spiritual flame around this holy chamber.
BLAKE: We had to take off our clothes, jackass, because Morrigan's Evil Twin summoned down a firestorm upon our heads and all our metal gear is super hot still.
MORRIGAN: I really liked her. I wish she'd stayed around longer, she really seemed like someone I could respect.
DOG: Bark, bark!
MORRIGAN: No, I do not think your evil twin was better looking. I'm clearly the best looking member of the party.
ZEVRAN: A-hem.
MORRIGAN: … Damn you.
BLAKE: All right. Everyone, we need to decide if we're going to leave the sacred relic, or join the dragon cult. Thoughts?
MORRIGAN: I like dragon cults, myself.
STEN: I actually disapprove of that plan.
BLAKE: … … …
ALISTAIR: … … …
LELIANA: … … …
MORRIGAN: What?
BLAKE: It's just we were expecting you two to agree. You're… what's the word I am looking for…
LELIANA: Ze evil ones.
BLAKE: Right, yes.
MORRIGAN: Oh, please. More evil than you?
BLAKE: What are you talking about? I haven't done anything evil at all this whole adventure.
WYNNE: [COUGHS POLITELY] You did kill all those dwarves…
BLAKE: THEY HAD IT COMING, SHORT LITTLE BASTARDS.
OGHREN: Racist.
BLAKE: Oh, you know what? Screw all you all. We're saving the Ashes because the one who sleeps with me and the one who keeps my limbs attached are both in favor of it. Nobody else has an opinion that matters to me.
ALISTAIR: That's sweet of you to say, sugar bear, but we haven't actually consummated our love yet.
BLAKE: I'll stab you in the face, Alistair.
ALISTAIR: Such a gentle soul.
[SCENE: Back OUTSIDE. Because this is an RPG DUNGEON, there are obviously doors that lead IMMEDIATELY to EVERYWHERE, but they only OPEN when you're LEAVING.]
KOLGRIM: Heretics! How dare you defy the holy-
BLAKE: [STABS HIM]
MORRIGAN: [Wipes away a TEAR OF JOY] How is it that every time we have a fight, you do something that reminds me why you're my best friend?
BLAKE: It is really sad that I'm your best friend, Morri. [PAUSE] Shit, you're my best friend too. Sweet Maker, I suck.
STEN: I wasn't going to say it, but I have been thinking it for weeks.
DOG: Bark bark.
STEN: ... You are not my best friend. You are a dog. Certainly you are a fellow warrior that I respect, but…
DOG: Bark.
STEN: Dammit.
BLAKE: Okay. Okay. Now, everyone, we got this quest done. We can go home and heal Arl Eamon, get his army… which I suspect will be fifty people, but you know what? I'm not gonna be bitch about it… and we've made real progress. Not good progress. But I truly think it's the best we're gonna get. I'm almost happy about how this turned out. Almost. Not really. I hate most of you. But you know what? We're almost done. And then I'm gonna take this sexy Frenchwoman off to a tropical island and never talk to any of you ever again.
ZEVRAN: [Picks a horn off KOLGRIM'S corpse and blows into it. The DRAGON wakes up and ROARS with the FURY that SHATTERS MOUNTAINS.]
BLAKE: WHY, BEAUTIFUL ELF MAN?!
ZEVRAN: [SHRUGS] You seemed kind of happy, and its usually Alistair that ruins things for you when that happens. I wanted to mix things up a little bit. Add some variety to our lives.
HIGH DRAGON: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
WYNNE: You say 'variety' and yet I see nothing in the future but three thousand more healing spells just like all the ones before…
STEN: If it helps, that boredom is fitting punishment for your demonic nature.
WYNNE: Just for that, no cookies for you if we survive the dragon's deadly flames.
STEN: [SULKS]
[SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, Int.]
ISOLDE: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN!
TEAGAN: I'm right here, you know.
ISOLDE: I do not understand ze issue.
TEAGAN: [SIGHS] What is the problem, Isolde?
ISOLDE: Vell, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN, I have begun to have ze worries. I have lost, 'ow you zay, all faith in ze Wardens and zere band of misfits. I feel we should start sending out, 'ow you say, ze knights to die for us searching for, 'ow you say, ze mythical cure that may or may not exist.
TEAGAN: They did save your son from infernal torment at the hands of a demon.
ISOLDE: Yes, but what 'ave zey done for me lately?
TEAGAN: I think that's enough, isn't it? It's only been like a week.
ISOLDE: A veek in which my husband perishes, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN.
TEAGAN: Okay, you know, what is your accent? Because you've been married to my brother for like a decade now, and I can't pin it down to anything other than 'screamy'… [SNIFFS THE AIR]… do you smell cooked meat and rage?
[What MIGHT be the team of BLAKE, or MIGHT be a group of LIVING CHARCOAL STATUES enter.]
BLAKE: Hey. You. French bitch.
ISOLDE: Excuse-
BLAKE: I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TALK.
ISOLDE: [Falls silent.]
BLAKE: We got you some ashes. They're sacred, just like you ordered. Whoo, how nice for you. The thing is, of course, right now, everything of us is ashes. Because you see, your hubby's miracle cure was lousy with dragons. So what we're going to do here, to find the right ashes, is you're going to eat some of all the ashes we have until you find the one that makes you feel better. Sten will be watching closely, to critique your testing technique.
STEN: I am a harsh critic.
ALISTAIR: I… honey, I really don't think we should force her to…
ISOLDE: SILENCE YOURSELF, FILTHY BASTARD SPAWN OF A HARLOT.
ALISTAIR: … … … … … You know what? Enjoy your dinner.
WYNNE: [Pats him on the back] Two successful burns in one trip. I'm proud of you, son.
ALISTAIR: [SMILES]
BLAKE: [Sighs in contentment, as HACKING SOUNDS begin to fill the DINING ROOM.] You know? Despite everyone's best attempt? This ended pretty well.
MORRIGAN: Oh, by the way, I need you to do my personal quest now. We'll need a book from the Circle Tower.
BLAKE: [HAS EXPERIENCED AN ERROR AND NEEDS TO SHUT DOWN]
WYNNE: … … … … … You know, if her mind doesn't start working again, you just doomed the world.
MORRIGAN: Worth it.