Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 67: Arl My Children
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[SCENE: ARL EAMON'S CASTLE, in the THRONE ROOM. The ARL sits in attendance, SMILING at his SAVIORS.]
EAMON: I have ash in my mouth.
BLAKE: That will happen. Apparently the only thing that would fix you is magic ash? I'm not sure why other magic wouldn't work.
ISOLDE: Obviously ve could not use ze filthy magick of ze infidel! It is different ven ze magic is holy. Just ask TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, he understands.
TEAGAN: Why do you bring me into these things?!
BLAKE: … Oh, so nobody actually tried any of the various and available healing magic from the wizards that live right across the lake from you? Is that why they were all just dying when we got there, even though I think the two of you could probably have solved each other's problems before we even got here? That's great. Arl, since you owe us your life, I'm going to cash in some of that debt right now so I can punch your wife and brother right in the face.
TEAGAN: Why me?!
BLAKE: You enable her.
EAMON: Well, I was actually going to give you a shield as your reward.
BLAKE: None of us use shields.
ALISTAIR: I use shields!
BLAKE: None of us that I care about use shields.
EAMON: You don't care about Prince Alistair? That's odd.
BLAKE: … … What.
ALISTAIR: [COUGHS POLITELY.] I… um… may have forgotten to… mention a few things… I… you know. I didn't bring up that I prefer dogs over cats. Or that I'm allergic to kale. Or…
EAMON: Alistair is the illegitimate child of the late King Maric and the only living heir of the royal family. The best option at this point, I think, is to ensure he becomes king so we might reunite the kingdom.
ALISTAIR: Yes, I did forget to bring up that too.
MORRIGAN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Alistair! A king! Have you MET him?!
WYNNE: [COUGHS] I… it is a bit hard to believe…
MORRIGAN: Alistair! A king! He has shoulders like a trout!
STEN: We have no kings in the Qun. I am now convinced this was a wise choice.
LELIANA: Don't vous have a brutal religious dictatorship wiz no personal freedoms?
STEN: Yes. But we don't have Alistair.
LELIANA: Dammit, he has le point.
MORRIGAN: Alistair! A king! Squinty eyes like a weasel, he has.
ALISTAIR: You're just being hurtful at this point.
BLAKE: She has been nothing but hurtful for the last six months, but that isn't important. Nothing about Morrigan is important. What's important is that you're king! The hell made you think it was a good plan to keep that secret?!
ALISTAIR: Well, I mean. I'm not really king. Making me king would probably require lots of fighting and manipulation, innocents would likely die, there would be upheaval in the kingdom…
BLAKE: [EYES GLOWING with POWER MADNESS.] And you think those are obstacles, you colossal twit?!
MORRIGAN: [SIGHS] Why did the Maker have to make her a woman? She's entirely perfect in all other ways. [PAUSES.] Oh right, He doesn't exist and His worshippers are gullible idiots deluded by a corrupt religious hierarchy that manipulates the masses for power.
LELIANA: A-hem.
MORRIGAN: What? I was including you in that statement, don't worry.
LELIANA: I le hate you.
MORRIGAN: Yes. I know. I've worked hard to achieve that.
EAMON: Erm. Well, I was going to suggest we should put Alistair on the throne, but I'm starting to wonder if that's actually a good idea now that I see who he spends his time with. He can't have very good judgment.
ALISTAIR: Oh, that's fine, I don't really want to be king.
BLAKE: [Pins ALISTAIR to the wall by his THROAT.] You shut your fucking mouth. You shut your mouth and you never open it again. Arl, we definitely want to make me king.
EAMON: Alistair. Alistair will be king.
BLAKE: Yes. That's what I said.
EAMON: I… yes. This is increasingly looking like a terrible plan. Perhaps we can find some way to reconcile with Loghain after all? He can't be totally unreasonable.
BLAKE: Zevran! Convince him we're good people.
ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrrrrrrrrrows.
EAMON: … Oh my. Erm. I'm married, but… I mean, I suppose… that is to say… [COUGHS LOUDLY] Well. You are… you have good qualities, I admit.
ZEVRAN: [SMIRKING] Works every time.
[SCENE: DENERIM, Arl EAMON'S estate. LOGHAIN is waiting there, making the room slightly DARKER just by STANDING in it. This man convinced HALF THE COUNTRY he was the GOOD GUY.]
LOGHAIN: Well, well, well. Look who showed up. Arl Lazy. Staying home while the rest of us fight the Orlesians?
EAMON: I was poisoned. And there are no Orlesians. We are not at war with Orlais. You're supposed to be fighting darkspawn. But what you are fighting is your own country, because you're a weird lunatic that can't recognize that we aren't at war with stupid fantasy France.
LELIANA: Vat is zees 'France' vouz speak of? I know nozzing of ze beautiful French people.
ALISTAIR: And I'm apparently the king! So… you know. Ask your daughter to get off my chair.
LOGHAIN: I won't be doing that.
ALISTAIR: [WHISPERS] Blake, I think he outsmarted us.
BLAKE: Alistair, the adults are talking. Go find some cheese or something.
ALISTAIR: I like cheese!
BLAKE: Look, Loghain. We all know you killed the king and we all know you're the villain, because you have greasy black hair and you're pale. Plus, you're hanging out with Tim Curry, and he's the most evil person in the entire country.
TIM CURRY: I have no idea what you mean. I'm a public servant enjoying a delicious beverage.
BLAKE: Your cup is shaped like a skull.
TIM CURRY: HA! It isn't shaped like a skull, you fool, it is a skull. I took it myself from your father after I murdered him.
LOGHAIN: Andraste's sake, man, we talked about this.
TIM CURRY: I mean… after I didn't murder him. Because I'm not evil.
MAID: [SNEEZES]
TIM CURRY: How dare you interrupt me, peasant?! I will have your entire family killed!
EAMON: … Loghain. Look me in the eye and tell me, right now, that you have any chance of winning if we hold a Landsmeet to choose the king today? Look at your closest ally. Then look back to me. And tell me you think you can win.
LOGHAIN: Well, I admit it might be rocky, but you're seriously underestimating how much our people hate Orlesians. I mean, you've met your wife. Is there anyone, anyone at all, who likes her? Let's be blunt here, you only like her because you're like seventy and she'll have sex with you. Also I assume you're old enough to be partially deaf, which would be helpful in dealing with her.
EAMON: You cad! Everyone loves Isolde!
BLAKE: [Tries not to LAUGH.]
LOGHAIN: And as you know, I'm a famous war hero. Popular. Charming. Possessed of the largest army in this entire country. I suspect a lot of people won't vote against me based on these facts. The last one, mostly. Yes, the last one is very large. Like my army.
EAMON: You would seriously start another civil war? Right now? While Darkspawn are invading?! How evil are you people?
BLAKE: [Points at TIM CURRY.]
EAMON: … Shit.
BLAKE: It's okay, future vassal. We can do this. We just have to disprove his heroic credentials by exposing his evil activities, cost him the support of Tim Curry, and make everyone in the city more afraid of me than they are of him. And that third one is already mostly done, since everyone who's ever met me is either dead or fleeing in terror as we speak.
STEN: You are terrifying to the weak and pale incompetents of this pitiful nation of inbred buffoons.
BLAKE: [Wiping away a TEAR OF JOY.] You get me, man.
ALISTAIR: Yes, I do!
BLAKE: … So Eamon, are we set on making him King? Totally set?
EAMON: Try to focus on how easy to manipulate he'll be for us.
BLAKE: I really like that you said 'us.'
EAMON: You don't get far in politics by not reading people.
LOGHAIN: [HARUMPHING with the HARUMPH of a great nobleman.] Well. While you may be a dangerous sociopath capable of intimidating people, you'll learn that eroding my support network is not so simple. Tim Curry is a steadfast protector of the realm…
TIM CURRY: [Takes a LARGE BITE out of what hopefully is not ROASTED BABY]
LOGHAIN: and of course my daughter the queen is my greatest ally.
ANORA: [From a GREAT DISTANCE AWAY] Hello?! Is someone there?! My father has locked me away in Tim Curry's home and I can only keep the door blockaded for so long!
LOGHAIN: Completely loyal.
ANORA: [DISTANT] I will absolutely betray my father if you just get me away from that lunatic, I promise! I'm not sure what scares me more about him getting in here, the thought that me might kill me or the thought that he might not!
LOGHAIN: She loves me.
[SCENE: TIM CURRY'S manor. There are SIX MILLION GUARDS]
BLAKE: Okay, how does he keep getting people to work for him? I know he's rich, but he's got the personality of a rabid squid.
WYNNE: Now, I know you're… differently thoughtful…
MORRIGAN: She's either stupid or insane, 'tis unclear which.
WYNNE: I was being diplomatic about that.
BLAKE: … You know, you people have no issues asking me to do all your damn errands, you could at least show me some damn respect.
STEN: You got me my sword. I respect you. When my people invade, we will kill you honorably.
BLAKE: Go to Hell, Sten.
WYNNE: As I was trying to say. I know that we typically take the, erm, direct approach, but we're a bit outnumbered. I think we should try to be stealthy. Let's acquire some guard uniforms.
BLAKE: Oh, yeah, that will work. I mean, our giant and our dwarf and our elf won't stand out if we all wear the right hats.
WYNNE: Sarcasm does not befit a young lady.
LELIANA: Ah, zat must be vy Morrikan uses it zo very much.
MORRIGAN: [Blinks in CONFUSION.] Are you trying to insult me by calling me old? I'm fairly certain I'm younger than you.
LELIANA: Truly? Zen I can only assume vous have been aged zomevat prematurely by livink in ze swamp like a rat all your life wiz a dangerous lunatic.
MORRIGAN: …. You're getting meaner as we travel. I can almost respect you now.
[SCENE: TIM CURRY'S manor, INT.]
BLAKE: [Dressed as a GUARD] There is no universe in which that should have worked.
STEN: [Wearing a GUARD HELMET and a chainmail shirt three sizes too SMALL. It covers only his PECS and his arms are turning BLUE from not having enough BLOOD.] I will kill everyone. Everyone who has ever lived.
ZEVRAN: With what, your crappy sword from your overly-long personal quest?
STEN: You dare? My personal blade, Asala, is…
BLAKE: In storage at the camp because it was worse than the sword you were already using. Shut up. We need to find the queen, save her, and work out the best way for me to become the power behind the throne. Hopefully it will involve killing Alistair.
ALISTAIR: What?
BLAKE: Nothing.
STEN: Asala is forged from-
BLAKE: Nobody cares, Sten! Shut up and look for some sign of unusual activity. They've got to have the queen hidden somewhere cunning…
ZEVRAN: [Points at a LARGE, GLOWING DOOR.] This door is large and glowing. Do you suppose it is the unusual activity we seek?
ANORA: Hello? Who is that outside my door? Because you sound stupid enough to be manipulated… erm… I mean… helpful.
BLAKE: [Sighs DEEPLY] Queen Anora, I presume? Is there some reason they 'hid' you behind the only door in the castle that doubles as a neon sign?
ANORA: Look, you're dealing with Tim Curry here, don't go looking for a lot of advanced tactics. He locked the door, he had a wizard double-lock it, he went downstairs to the torture chamber. Do you mind going down to kill him? Better kill anyone in the same room as him, too, to make sure you get the wizard. Then come back up here and we can discuss destroying our political enemies.
BLAKE: Oh, you and I are going to get along famously.
[SCENE: The TORTURE CHAMBER. The fact the castle HAS ONE tells you a lot about the NOBILITY of FERELDEN. The fact TIM CURRY keeps his BEDROOM down there tells you a lot about HIM.]
TIM CURRY: Well, well, well. Well, well, well. WELL, WELL, W
BLAKE: [STABS HIM]
TIM CURRY: … You can't be serious.
BLAKE: Oh, what. Were you seriously expecting to be a really impressive boss fight because you're the villain of my personal story arc?
TIM CURRY: Well, yes! I did kill your parents, and I've been around for all this time…
BLAKE: You're a middle-aged man in leather armor. I have literally killed armies of monsters. Seriously, you're a two-minute miniboss fight, at best. Morrigan one-shotted your wizard with Mana Clash forty seconds ago and that was the high point.
MORRIGAN: I have often considered love to be a weakness, but I do have a great deal of affection for whoever made up that spell.
TIM CURRY: You people are just killing the drama here.
BLAKE: [Cuts TIM CURRY'S head off.] Among other things.
ALISTAIR: Excellent post-murder quip, honey.
LELIANA: She's so charming.
MORRIGAN: So, we've killed the people who killed your parents. With that in mind, have you ever considered killing my mother?
BLAKE: I'm not doing any more sidequests for you people. Unless… will you be paying me?
MORRIGAN: HA!
BLAKE: Then yeah, I'm not doing any more sidequests for you people.
ALISTAIR: But I wanted to meet my half-sister! She lives here in this very city!
BLAKE: Again: will you be paying me?
ALISTAIR: Actually she's a poor peasant woman, so I was going to give her some money.
BLAKE: Well then, I guess you can go screw yourself.
ALISTAIR: D-darling! Don't you think it's a little early for us to be talking about sex? We've only been dating for two years!
BLAKE: … … … We haven't even known each other that long.
MORRIGAN: [Pats her on the SHOULDER] You're asking for logic where none exists.
ALISTAIR: I like your hair.
LELIANA: Me too!
OGHREN: Heh. I am so glad I'm drunk. It makes alla this seem normal.
WYNNE: … … So do you have any extra ale, then?
[SCENE: Back upstairs. QUEEN ANORA'S room, int.]
ANORA: Hail, new allies. I look forward to a long and fulfilling relationship with you all based on mutual trust and I absolutely will betray you if I feel my own power is threatened in any way.
BLAKE: … So, like, I know you're a widow pretty recently, but you, uh, ever think about getting back on the dating scene…?
ANORA: Are you a political marriage option that will allow me to solidify my claim on the throne?
BLAKE: … Well, no…
ANORA: Then I guess you can go screw yourself.
BLAKE: [SHUDDER] I think I'm in love.
LELIANA: AHEM.
BLAKE: Honey, you knew the day would come when I abandoned you for someone more ruthless.
LELIANA: Non I didn't!
BLAKE: … Oh, right, I never told you. Well, did you at least know that you fell in 'love' with me because I got you a present and complimented your hair, and the primary reason we're 'dating' is that I love sex with hot chicks and you're about 10,000% less annoying than Alistair?
LELIANA: When did zis happen?!
BLAKE: Maker Dammit, do you people just never pay attention?
MORRIGAN: [Pats her on the SHOULDER] Still seeking logic in the pits of madness, I see.
ANORA: Oh, goodie. These are my allies. My life now is that I have allies like this.
STEN: This is what I say each morning, to keep from committing honorable suicide in the name of the Qun.
ANORA: … Well, you're a barrel of laughs.
STEN: I was the funniest man in my unit.
ANORA: Hoo boy. Well. Um. All right, I have to admit, not what I planned for. But you did kill basically everyone in this castle, so you're clearly very gifted at violence. Yes, I can work with this. We can build a bond of mutual benefit and together, we will reclaim Ferelden's government. Yes. Yes, this alliance will stand the test of time.
[SER CAUTHRIEN, the most LIKABLE of the villains and therefore the one we SEE LEAST, enters at the head of approximately 10,000 LOGHAIN SOLDIERS.]
CAUTHRIEN: Your Majesty! We heard reports of violence in the Arl's estate! Are you all right?
ANORA: [POINTS AT BLAKE] It was all her! She's a mass murderer! She killed all my maids and bit the head off my pet kitten! [FLEES]
BLAKE: Wait wh-
CAUTHRIEN: [Punches BLAKE through the WALL.]