Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 93: Fort Drakon Nights
[SCENE: ARL EAMON'S estate, int. QUEEN ANORA enters.]
ANORA: Eamon! I'm glad you're here, I'm afraid things have gone a bit afoul.
EAMON: Your majesty?! But where is the Warden? I… well, I thought they went to save you, but honestly she's not great at communicating. Which is ironic considering how loud she gets.
ANORA: Yes, well. She did very, technically, save me from Arl Howe…
EAMON: Tim Curry.
ANORA: He's dead now, I think we can finally drop that joke. I mean, we stopped using 'my evil twin, Raoul…' [PAUSES] or have we?!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING.]
EAMON: You have been waiting awhile to get some screentime, haven't you, your majesty?
ANORA: It's been a long few weeks.
EAMON: Now. What happened to the Warden and her allies?
ANORA: We were attacked by a huge, nigh-invincible force of knights that captured Warden Blake and Alistair, and let everyone else go! They're all waiting outside.
EAMON: … Why did they let everyone else leave…?
ANORA: Eh. The key thing is that we have to save Blake! I'll need her support to defeat my father, fight off the darkspawn horde, and kill Alistair.
EAMON: … What was that last part?
ANORA: Nobody said anything.
[SCENE: FORT DRAKON, the most IMPREGNABLE and TERRIBLE prison in all FERELDEN. There are FOUR cells and a LARGE DOOR that does not LOCK. BLAKE and ALISTAIR sit in one of the cells, in their UNDERWEAR.]
BLAKE: … … … Alistair, I'm just gonna say it right now. Don't speak while we're in here.
ALISTAIR: … … …
BLAKE: Because I have a pounding headache from when that knightly bitch kicked my ass.
ALISTAIR: … … …
BLAKE: And I woke up without my clothes, in a prison. Which just raises a lot of uncomfortable questions. So… I am in the worst mood. The worst, I swear. I really need silence from you.
ALISTAIR: … … …
BLAKE: I guess what I'm saying is, if you say anything, I'll castrate you.
ALISTAIR: … … …
BLAKE: … … …
ALISTAIR: I like your boobies.
BLAKE: [LUNGES]
[SCENE: FORT DRAKON, ext.]
STEN: As I am the only competent member of this group, I will claim leadership. We shall enter the forest through the front gate while loudly screaming, and shove the filthy infidel mages to the forefront of the group. Then, while they die, the rest of us shall sneak into the prisons and secure the wardens.
MORRIGAN: I have issues with this plan.
STEN: They will be quickly alleviated when I sew your mouth shut and collar you.
WYNNE: We were not planning to let you do that.
STEN: They never do.
OGHREN: Okay, now, I'm real drunk, but I think that's a bad idea? On accounta… mages got great tits. Both of 'em. The old one and the bitchy one. Just… just look. It's like the real magic is all… all stored in there.
ZEVRAN: You speak words of truth, my friend. I now look upon you like are like my small, hairy, drunk brother.
OGHREN: Awwwwwww, thanks. Yer a real sexy lady yerself.
ZEVRAN: … That said, I also think you should not be coming up with the plans. Anyone else have a thought? Please?
LELIANA: I could seduce ze guards with my feminine wiles?
MORRIGAN: You have those?
LELIANA: … Or ve could zend Morrigan in to whore herself to every soldier in ze fortress for three coppers a customer, as is her wont.
MORRIGAN: First, I believe you are thinking of Zevran.
ZEVRAN: [GRINS, causing the temperature of the ENTIRE WORLD to raise two degrees.] Please. Try three soverrrrreigns a customer. And that is a barrrrrrrgain.
MORRIGAN: Second, while I admire that you have finally learned some level of petty evil, I will suggest that perhaps we do not have the time or indeed the stamina to seduce three hundred soldiers.
ZEVRAN: [GRINS WIDER. Some nearby bushes burst into FLAMES.] Time, no. Stamina, always.
MORRIGAN: [SIGHS] I wish you were more plot important.
STEN: Does no one else have a plan? If so, I shall begin sewing the mages' mouths shut. I have acquired thread, and will use this rusty knife as a needle. Objections?
[The shining light of TRUST breaks through the clouds of DESPAIR. The GREATEST and most RELIABLE member of the group steps FORWARD.]
DOG: A-woof. Bark, bark! Grrrrrrrowl. Bark, bark, bark. Woof, woof. Bark bark! [PAUSE, amidst an aura of PALPABLE WISDOM.] Arroof. Ruff, ruff! Awooooooooo! Bark, bark. Wooof. Pant, pant, pant.
[SILENCE.]
WYNNE: It says something terrible that I have no idea what the dog said, and yet I instinctively feel it's better than anything the rest of us have come up with.
MORRIGAN: … Perhaps if we all dressed up as nuns. I feel we could pretend to be nuns well.
LELIANA: Vill zat disguise vork if vous have your tits hanging out?
MORRIGAN: Well, I know it won't work if I'm covered in the blood of a French bitch, but I'm still willing to try.
ZEVRAN: I feel like you two are fighting more often. [Eats POPCORN] Please, continue.
OGHREN: So, I ain't been around long, but… do we… always suck so much?
STEN: No. Usually Alistair is here, so it is worse.
OGHREN: Damn.
WYNNE: Perhaps, instead of nuns, we could have Zevran pretend to be a dog tamer, here to put on some kind of… dog and elf show.
ZEVRAN: [SMIRKS] Oh, madame, I think you will find the only wild animal I tame is the elusive cougar. Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow.
WYNNE: I will turn your blood into leeches.
ZEVRAN: Tease.
BLAKE: [Walks out the FRONT DOOR.] Hey, idiots. I dressed as a guard and escaped. Took about five minutes. Why did none of you even try to rescue me?
LELIANA: I like your hair.
BLAKE: Yeah. That's about what I suspected. Okay, let's all just go back to Eamon's house and start making arrangements to somehow marry Anora so I can become king-queen, and eventually, God.
LELIANA: Excusez moi?!
BLAKE: Are you angry at me wanting to betray you for a wealthier woman, or angry at my eventual plan to supplant the god you worship? Because I'd be willing to keep you on as my royal mistress in the first case. And the second one is really just because I've grown to hate the world and everyone in it, it's not a knock against your faith.
LELIANA: It's both!
BLAKE: Hoo boy. Awkward, then.
WYNNE: [Glancing behind BLAKE] Erm, where is Alistair?
BLAKE: How should I know?
WYNNE: He was imprisoned with you!
BLAKE: And I assume he still is. I obviously didn't bring him with me, he was bleeding too much.
WYNNE: Oh no! Were you tortured?!
BLAKE: Well, I wasn't. But Alistair made a comment about my breasts that I found unpleasant, so technically speaking he was.
LELIANA: Zey are ze perfect size and level of firmness.
ZEVRAN: A triumph of corset technology.
OGHREN: Hehehehehehehehehe. [BELCHES]
WYNNE: [With the LONG-SUFFERING tone of a lifelong KINDERGARTEN TEACHER] You broke his arms and left him in the prison on purpose.
BLAKE: It wasn't just his arms.
WYNNE: I know you won't care. But I just want you to know that joining this group has been a waste of the last few precious years of my life. I just want to say that out loud, so you can't claim at my funeral that you never realized it.
BLAKE: Oh, Wynne. If all goes well, I'm going to be skipping your funeral to have a threesome with a queen and a French spy.
WYNNE: I hate you. Right then! Zevran, Oghren, you two are the amazing elf-dwarf circus act here to delight the soldiers. Go in there and save Alistair.
OGHREN: Can I take off my pants?
WYNNE: It says something terrible that I don't even care anymore.
[SCENE: Arl EAMON'S estate, int.]
ANORA: All I'm saying is, your brother is a total babe and I'd be willing to make him my boytoy in exchange for your support.
EAMON: Yes. You have mentioned this. Five times. Despite the fact I've made it clear my endgame is to become the power behind the throne and that plan would not help at all.
ANORA: It would, though! You'd have an agent in the castle itself, chained to my bed with a blindfold and…
EAMON: Your Majesty, please do not share details. Please. I beg of you.
ANORA: Look. My marriage did not end happily. Mama is a bit repressed and a lot bitter at this point. What I want in life, right this moment, is to become absolute ruler of the kingdom and have a harem of hunky boys. I feel like that isn't a lot of payment for my support to your cause.
EAMON: My cause is to replace you.
ANORA: But it could be to loyally serve me instead. And really, you should be down for this, getting your handsome brother out of the house and away from your wife who is suspiciously close to him.
EAMON: I beg your pardon?! Isolde would never betray me!
ANORA: Well, I'm sure you'd know if she did. You could probably hear her having an orgasm from three kingdoms over.
EAMON: Oh sweet Maker.
ANORA: 'OOOOOOOOOOH TEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAAAAAAAAN, YOUR SWORD IS SO BIIIIIIIIIIG. SKREEEEEEEEE-YONK.'
EAMON: And you wonder why I want to dethrone you.
ANORA: That last bit was an Orlesian folk song. Heard it on a diplomatic trip to Val Royeaux, once. It's a good thing their bards are trained as spies, because they cannot sing.
LELIANA: How dare you?! Moi people are ze finest seengers that 'ave ever been! Behold, as I seeng ze ballad of ze elves, a tale of beauty and despair. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YONK.
BLAKE: I apologize for her. If it helps, she's better than her teacher was, and trust me: I mean that in every way possible.
ANORA: Ah, terrifying sex maniac! You have survived, good.
ALISTAIR: Hi!
ANORA: I was actually hoping you were dead.
BLAKE: I'm pretty sure he's immortal, honestly? You can't end the brain function of someone who has none.
ALISTAIR: My brain is devoted only to thoughts of love for you, my sweet.
BLAKE: Yeah, I'm sorry, I literally cannot get him to stop that. If I can't become god-queen of Ferelden, my second-place trophy would be marrying him to you so I never have to see him again. My first place, of course, would just be marrying you and having endless threesomes with you and my pet spy while dominating Ferelden with an iron hand. You down with that?
ANORA: Actually, before we do any talking about the fate of the kingdom or the lineage of the ruling family for centuries to come, I'm going to need you to spend an hour or two futzing around with elves.
EAMON: Yes, that makes sense.
BLAKE: …. Excuse me?
ANORA: Well, it turns out there's a problem with the elves. It's probably bad. You have to go look at that right now. Don't worry about how it impacts the flow of the narrative, it'll all work out.
EAMON: That makes perfect sense. Why, what if it's my evil twin, Raoul?! I'll never forget how he swore revenge when I saved his wife that time he tried to kill her for the insurance money and frame poor Teagan.
ANORA: HA! I knew we weren't done with that one.
BLAKE: [SIGHS HEAVILY] You're really going to force me do this? It isn't a sidequest?
ANORA: Bitch, I'm the queen. I don't give sidequests.
[SCENE: DENERIM, the ELVEN ALIENAGE. Everything is slightly SHABBY and smells VAGUELY of CHEESE.]
BLAKE: Oh. So living in places like this is why elves are so bitter in this universe. I admit, I've never actually visited one… Shit, am I a racist?
LELIANA: You 'ave no negative qualities, mon cherie.
ALISTAIR: I saw your boobies!
ZEVRAN: You probably are a little racist, but that's okay. Basically everyone we know is a bastard of some flavor. Compared to most of the other plot-important nobles you're a saint.
BLAKE: Thanks, Zevran, you're a peach. You know, I have no idea how I got this far without triggering your romance path? I somehow accidentally flagged Alistair's four times, and I'm not even polite to him.
ALISTAIR: I like your hair.
ZEVRAN: Well, you never talk to me at camp. It's a shame, really. I think we'd have a lot in common. Cunning. Lack of morals. We both look good in leather.
BLAKE: Wanna like, go have meaningless sex behind a pile of barrels or something? I'll tell Leliana it was all her imagination afterward, she buys anything I say.
LELIANA: I do!
ZEVRAN: Hmmm… well, I could be convinced. Do you have any gold bars to give me so I like you enough to do that?
BLAKE: … Wouldn't that make you a prostitute?
ZEVRAN: I'm literally an assassin, and you're surprised that I also have generally low morals in other areas?
BLAKE: Damn.
[A red-haired ELF WOMAN who seems PERPETUALLY UNHAPPY walks up to the GROUP. You won't ever fully REALIZE why she's so ANNOYED unless you do the CITY ELF ORIGIN, which you REALLY SHOULD, it's one of the BETTER ONES.]
SHIANNI: Excuse me, are you a human?
BLAKE: Eh? Well, yes, I…
SHIANNI: [Throws the contents of her ALE MUG in Blake's FACE.]
BLAKE: … … … Yeah, that's about what I've come to expect.