Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 142: Elf My Children

[SCENE: The ELVEN ALIENAGE, as BLAKE wipes ALE off her FACE.]

BLAKE: So, I want to establish here that I've killed people for less than that. But you know what, I like the feisty ones, and I have a thing for redheads…

LELIANA: Squeeee!

BLAKE: … So I'm going to give you a chance to explain the situation before I paint this entire city with your blood. See how reasonable I am? And my parents used to say I didn't have 'noble temperament.'

ZEVRAN: In my experience, stabbing this fine young lady in the throat and having her family killed basically is what most nobles would be doing right now. I'd ask that you don't do it, please, for I also have a thing for the redheads.

LELIANA: I am popular!

ALISTAIR: Me too!

SHIANNI: [Blinking in CONFUSION] Wait, but-

BLAKE: Yes, I know he isn't a redhead, but I'm not sure he knows that so it's probably best to just ignore him. Explain yourself.

SHIANNI: Okay, okay, jeez, you're awful.

BLAKE: YOU THREW YOUR DRINK IN MY FACE.

SHIANNI: Only because you seemed really human! You know how in general, ever since humans showed up, shit's really been going downhill for the elves, through no fault of our own?

WYNNE: Oh, you are not going to enjoy the third game.

SHIANNI: Well, I think here in Denerim it might be the worst of all. First, Bann Vaughan ruined my cousin's wedding…

BLAKE: Okay, that's rude, but I don't think…

SHIANNI: … By killing most of the men and raping most of the women.

BLAKE: … … … All right, see, you should have led with that.

SHIANNI: And after that, he was arrested and replaced…

BLAKE: Hey, see, that's good! Justice was served…

SHIANNI: … by Arl Tim Curry.

BLAKE: … … … shit.

MORRIGAN: That would explain why so many of the buildings down the alley there have that unique 'burned down' aesthetic, I suppose.

SHIANNI: And, well, once he finished oppressing us for existing in the same air he chose to breathe… his words, not mine…

BLAKE: Yeah, that does sound like him.

SHIANNI: That's when the plague rolled in, and nobody is having fun with that. We petitioned the crown for help, of course, and they sent us some mages…

BLAKE: I am not falling for this again, you're just pausing for dramatic effect before the big evil reveal.

SHIANNI: … from Tevinter.

BLAKE: Called it!

SHIANNI: So I'm just gonna say it, nobody here is having a great time. What with half of us being killed. And now the rest of us are starting to disappear. If I had some more ale I would throw it in your face again, just out of frustration. But I'm out of ale. [Stops to sob briefly.] Oh sweet Maker, I'm out of ale! The tragedies just keep piling up!

BLAKE: Okay, look, we're actually pretty enthusiastically opposed to Teryn Loghain and Arl Tim Curry. Look, I still have some of the latter's brain on my sword! It just won't come out, even with bleach.

WYNNE: I really tried.

BLAKE: So how about, just for you, we go into the… *snerk*… totally trustworthy Tevinter hospital and see about how many of your friends and family they've sold into slavery.

[NOTE: For those UNFAMILIAR with the setting, you may not KNOW much about TEVINTER. Basically it is like MORDOR only way more SNARKY, and while they have the OCCASIONAL good character from there, it's really only been like FOUR PEOPLE in the entire HISTORY of the WORLD. Do not GO THERE on a VACATION.]

[You might think the WEIRD ROBES and AWFUL HATS are a sign of their evil, but actually all mages in ORIGINS just have BAD FASHION SENSE.]

TEVINTER HEALER: [Adjusting his EVIL MOUSTACHE.] Come, elves! Come to our amazing healing center! We can cure the completely legitimate plague that isn't a spell, and you should just ignore the fact that anyone between the ages of 15 and 35 with good teeth and no major skin conditions never comes back out! We are here to help! [KICKS a nearby PUPPY.]

BLAKE: So, I vote we just go in through the front and kill 'em all. Thoughts?

STEN: I have very little respect for you, but that is a good plan.

MORRIGAN: Marry me?

OGHREN: Hehehehehehehehe… pancakes. [BELCHES just a little TOO loudly.]

ZEVRAN: Stabbing people is one of my two great skills. The other requires a bedroom, three gallons of lube, and a harness swing.

BLAKE: [BLINKS] I… wow. I just realized that at this point, we actually have a group balance where the majority vote is almost always going to be for the most violent solution. Hey, Wynne! Suggest we try to find a peaceful solution.

WYNNE: We… should try to find a peaceful…

BLAKE: NO! YOU'VE BEEN OUTVOTED, YA ANCIENT BITCH! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WYNNE: … I don't like you.

BLAKE: [BEGINS STABBING TEVINTERS. This continues for AWHILE.]

SCENE: EVIL LAIR, about fifteen minutes later.

TEVINTER LEADER: Well, well, well. The legendary Grey Warden has arrived at my evil lair. But think about this: I could help you prove that Teryn Loghain actually allowed us to sell all your elves into slavery! I have papers proving it! And all you have to do is let me leave with all of these elves and all my money while I laugh maniacally.

BLAKE: Or I could just kill you and take everything you mentioned above. It's not like your death is going to make all that evidence and money just vanish.

TEVINTER LEADER: Actually, it does. You have to specifically demand it in dialogue options.

BLAKE: What.

TEVINTER LEADER: The papers detailing the slave trading that you can use as evidence, and all the money we were collecting? Neither of them exists if you don't ask for them.

BLAKE: But it would all have to be in the building, wouldn't it? Couldn't we just go find it after we kill you?

TEVINTER LEADER: You would think so, but no. If I die, you're just going to leave and not find any of it.

BLAKE: That doesn't sound like me. Would I really do that? I really like money.

ZEVRAN: Pardon, sir evil, but I had a thought. What if we just almost kill you, and then offer you your worthless life in exchange for everything you have? Would that let us get all the rewards?

TEVINTER LEADER: Oh, yeah, that should work….. oh shit.

[SCENE: The ELVEN ALIENAGE. BLAKE is trying to get a SEVERED EAR off her new pile of EVIDENCE AND MONEY without LEAVING A STAIN.]

SHIANNI: Hey, welcome back. I got some more ale, come on over.

BLAKE: I actually saved all the elves and drove off the slavers. You don't have to throw your drink in my face.

SHIANNI: … Oh. I'll confess, I kind of thought you were going to take the evil options in there. But you saved my people, proved the corruption of the kingdom's leadership, and cast the dark mages out of our land?

BLAKE: Yup! So, you know, if you want to thank me, now would be a good time. I probably did a lot to improve your perception of humans. I imagine you have a lot to say to me now.

SHIANNI: [Throws her ALE in BLAKE's face.]

[SCENE: The Arl of Denerim's estate, Int. The DINING ROOM.]

ANORA: [Cutting off a piece of STEAK.] So do you think they'll figure out that the elven alienage is a glorified sidequest and won't really matter later?

EAMON: [Drinks some WINE] Nah, they're dumb. I mean, you've met them, they barely pay attention. I hear they never even completed the Flemeth side quest.

ANORA: What?!

EAMON: Something about not getting a cash reward for it.

ANORA: But the plot threads!

EAMON: Oh, please. This entire playthrough has been a giant mess of romance bugs, and now even the story telling about it has lost the fourth wall entirely. There's no way it's getting exported anyway.

ANORA: Are you sure? I hear a lot of people feel like Dragon Age 2 holds up better than they used to these days.

EAMON: Shining in comparison to Mass Effect: Andromeda doesn't count as being 'liked.'

ANORA: [WHISTLES] Awwwwww, damn, Eamon-burn!

EAMON: Thank you, thank you.

ANORA: I almost regret that I'm trying to ruin your play to put a puppet king on the throne and send you back to the countryside with your tail between your legs.

EAMON: You don't almost regret it at all.

ANORA: [Wipes away a TEAR of MIRTH.] I don't. In all honesty, I'd have you killed if I could get away with it, politically speaking.

EAMON: If you weren't a beloved public figure, I definitely would have left you in Tim Curry's dungeon.

ANORA: I'm so glad we're still calling him that. It just feels right.

BLAKE: [From the FRONT DOOR] Okay, jackasses, we're ready for the Landsmeet! We learned a lot of politically damaging information that will probably solve all the problems of the kingdom by removing Loghain peacefully, so I think I definitely deserve to be queen now!

EAMON: [Smirks] Told ya so.

[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE, as the nobles of FERELDEN gather for the LANDSMEET to choose the next KING. It is a scene of SOMBER DIGNITY.]

BLAKE: Oh god it's that crazy bitch who sucker-punched me, kill it kill it kill it kill it-

CAUTHRIEN: I see you haven't changed.

BLAKE: KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT-

CAUTHRIEN: Relax. I'm here unofficially…

BLAKE: Oh. Oh good…

CAUTHRIEN: … to kill you before you can ruin my lord's plans.

BLAKE: [Curls up in a BALL, screaming.]

LELIANA: Um. Ve apologize for her. She has had, 'ow you say, ze difficult day. Week. Month. Life.

WYNNE: I don't suppose we can talk you out of fighting us? It doesn't feel like it would be the best way to start a diplomatic meeting.

CAUTHRIEN: Of course you can. I'm an honorable and intelligent woman who loves her country, and you could definitely convince me that Loghain is in the wrong. Maybe.

ALISTAIR: … What?

CAUTHRIEN: I'm just saying, I'm an anti-villain. Misguided, perhaps, but noble and true. I believe in justice and the sanctity of my kingdom. You can absolutely convince me to not start a boss fight right in the opening to the Landsmeet. Probably.

LELIANA: Vous are sending ze mixed messages.

CAUTHRIEN: Look, it's not that complex. You just have to navigate my dialogue trees properly to definitely maybe probably not get me to maybe sort of consider thinking about pondering backing down without a fight. It couldn't be simpler! Here, take a look at what you can say.

A) [Persuade] I think Loghain isn't not won't perhaps be the good corrupt person king say won't fight.

B) Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed, like rain on the mountains.

C) Incluso levanta hermano? Porque parece que te saltaste la pierna el dia.

D) 01001000 01000101 01001100 01010000

BLAKE: [BLINKS] I… so, wait, which of these even…

CAUTHRIEN: YOU CHOSE THE WRONG OPTION, DIE.

[SCENE: The THRONE ROOM, where the Nobles of FERELDEN have gathered. BLAKE enters with a SWORD embedded in her HEAD, followed by her party looking kind of ANNOYED.]

BLAKE: Hey, guys. Is there an option to just KILL ALL OF YOU? Because I'm in the MOOD.

EAMON: You won't get to be queen if you try that, so...

BLAKE: Fine. Loghain, you start.

LOGHAIN: My fellow lords of Ferelden! I realize that you are kind of upset about the army of man-eating horrors rampaging across your lands. However, have you considered what's even worse than the Darkspawn? The French.

BLAKE: Uh…huh. So about how you abandoned the king to die?

LOGHAIN: I needed to preserve my troops so we could resist the French.

BLAKE: How you were selling our people into slavery?

LOGHAIN: Because I needed money to fight the French!

BLAKE: How Arl Tim Curry was torturing and killing nobles who disagreed with you, and planning to kill your own child, with your implicit blessing?

ANORA: It's true, he was.

LOGHAIN: My daughter, Maker rest her soul…

ANORA: I'm not dead.

LOGHAIN: … Would understand that while Tim Curry was evil, inefficient, stupid, caused more damage to my own cause than to my enemies, and was almost definitely planning to usurp me at some point, he was vital in my plans to defeat THE FRENCH. She was a good girl, Warden, and you will pay for what you did to her.

ANORA: Dammit dad.

LOGHAIN: I miss her every day. Sometimes I almost feel like I still hear her voice.

ANORA: Uh…huh. Well, lords and ladies of Ferelden. As your queen, I am looking you dead in the eye and telling you that my father is very very very bad at running a country. I'll be the first to admit he's bloody efficient at killing things, as most aptly demonstrated now when he killed the last shreds of the respect I had for him as a child. I support the Grey Wardens and humbly request you kick him off the throne, because otherwise we're all going to be eaten by orcs.

EAMON: Very well. I propose we go to the closing statements, and begin voting. Candidates, your final words?

BLAKE: I'm literally the only viable option, and I'm not even sure why we're still talking.

LOGHAIN: France caused Ostagar! Darkspawn blood can't melt steel beams!

EAMON: Right. The votes are in, and it seems as though we have… one vote for Loghain to remain in control, and 75 votes for him to abdicate… which is pretty impressive, considering I think only eight voting nobles are here.

VOTING NOBLES: We started writing votes against him around the 'Tim Curry' portion of the argument, and haven't stopped.

EAMON: Fair enough! Teryn Loghain, you are officially ordered to abdicate your regency in favor of-

LOGHAIN: Duel to the death.

EAMON: Eh?

LOGHAIN: It's one of the rules. I can challenge my political opponent to a duel to the death, proving my correctness by the time-honored tradition of stabbing.

ANORA: Oh for the love of-

EAMON: Nobody uses that law anymore, Loghain! We only haven't written it out because it's tied to a rider proposing no taxes on that sandwich stand we all really like.

LOGHAIN: I maintain my right to prove I am the best leader for this country by murdering anyone who tries to suggest I'm not.

BLAKE: Actually, I'm pretty okay with this scenario. Murdering my opposition is my default argument, honestly. Why, I already stabbed Loghain while I was saying this!

LOGHAIN: [Looking down at the SWORD embedded in his STOMACH] Oh. Ouch.

SUDDEN VOICE: But wait!

LELIANA: Le gasp! Zat voice… could it be Riordan, ze Grey Warden that we rescued from Tim Curry's dungeon and who ze author did not forget about?!

[It IS. RIORDAN enters, looking grizzled and cool, and I did not FORGET about him in the chapter about ARL HOWE'S death, of course I didn't, stop ASKING QUESTIONS.]

RIORDAN: Yes! Yes, it is I, the important character who was not forgotten about! I have come to suggest that rather than killing Loghain, we should recruit him into the Gray Wardens because of his military genius.

LOGHAIN: Oh Maker the French are invading [HIDES behind the THRONE.]

RIORDAN: … Okay, look, I said his military genius. That should not suggest he has any other types of genius. But still, I feel like we could get a lot of use out of him. We're running fairly low on Wardens, and even though I'm around and always have been and nobody forgot me-

ZEVRAN: It's true, he was remembered! Unlike poor Shale, who we just never recruited.

BLAKE: Look, I hate sidequests. That's why I lied to Morrigan about saying I was gonna go kill her mom, but I actually just stayed in bed an extra hour and then had cake for breakfast.

MORRIGAN: What?!

BLAKE: But, hey, I think we can all agree that recruiting Loghain is a better idea than just stabbing him some more. We have to be pragmatic above all else, right? Indeed, one could argue that the reason we're called 'Grey' Wardens is that we must be morally grey, fighting evil with evil wherever needed, because our one and only goal is to defeat the darkspawn no matter the cost. Further, to improve my own political ambitions and maybe get Anora over there to approve gay royal marriages between sexy Grey Wardens and queens, having Loghain alive is a valuable bargaining chip! Therefore, we definitely should recruit Loghain, and it's not merely the most beneficial action to me, but the one that benefits the Wardens the most! No, not merely benefits… it most correctly exemplifies the Grey Warden philosophy. I can see absolutely no downsides!

ALISTAIR: [Comes out from behind the THRONE with a bloody SWORD, and holds up LOGHAIN'S SEVERED HEAD.] Don't worry, everybody, I got him!

BLAKE: … Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-