Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 507: The Spawn and the Restless
(*)
Scene: REDCLIFFE, the Throne Room of ARL EAMON, temporarily transformed into the throne room of EMPRESS BLAKE I (Long may she reign).
EAMON: I have a report, your majesty.
BLAKE: A-hem.
EAMON: (SIGHS) Your imperial majesty.
BLAKE: Better! You know, I'm under a lot of stress here. (Eats a PEELED GRAPE delicately placed on her tongue by LELIANA, who is sitting on her LAP, while using ALISTAIR as a FOOT STOOL) Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
ALISTAIR: I love you too, pooky-pie.
BLAKE: Stools don't talk, future husband.
ALISTAIR: Oh, sorry! I keep forgetting that, sweetums.
EAMON: … Alistair, what are you doing?
ALISTAIR: I'm a stool now!
BLAKE: It's true, he is.
ALISTAIR: As king, it's my duty to support the kingdom in every way I can. Including their feet. My wuvvy duvvy honey-bunny was very clear on that point.
EAMON: ….. Sure. May I continue with my report, your Imperial Majesty?
BLAKE: Hit me, bro.
EAMON: Well. A large portion of Redcliffe's population was destroyed because reinforcements took so long to arrive.
BLAKE: Look, I told you. An empress without a crown is like an Arl Howe without a sword in his face: Just missing the thing that really makes it worthwhile.
EAMON: But in your… infinite wisdom… you may have been correct in sending only a limited force. It seems the bulk of the horde is actually going to assault Denerim itself, and the Archdemon rides with them!
BLAKE: Yes, my Warden Senses were very clear that this was the right thing to do. Now Denerim will be able to hold the line until our allies are able to converge on them. Truly, I am the hero we need… no, the hero we deserve.
STEN: She did it by accident, though. She is entirely incompetent, when not actively evil.
WYNNE: Yes, but we try not to say that out loud. It's just… implied. You know, to be polite?
STEN: Your culture confuses me.
DOG: Woof, woof!
STEN: You remain the only one I can respect.
[SCENE: Upstairs in CASTLE REDCLIFFE, outside of what used to be ARL EAMON'S bedroom and was now the temporary location of EMPRESS BLAKE I'S (Long May She Reign) SEXATORIUM. There is a sign on the door saying 'NO FOOTSTOOLS ALLOWED.']
RIORDAN: Now, my friends, with the Archdemon approaching at long last, I must tell you the ancient secret of the Grey Wardens that none must ever know, lest our order be doomed. We keep this from all, even our own recruits.
BLAKE: Is it a bigger secret than the fact the Joining has a 33% survival rate? Not gonna lie, I think that one is more damaging to the order.
RIORDAN: It's actually worse, yes.
ALISTAIR: Is it that we're out of gummi bears?!
RIORDAN: ….
BLAKE: Don't ask, you just get used to him after awhile. Go on, share the dramatic secret! I'm interviewing the Arl's housekeeping staff to determine which of them I want to 'hire away,' if you get my meaning.
LELIANA: [From INSIDE THE ROOM] I can hear vouz, vouz know!
BLAKE: Baby, you should really know what I'm about by this point.
ZEVRAN: [From INSIDE THE ROOM] It's true, you really should.
LELIANA: Le dammit.
RIORDAN: A-hem! As I was saying… you know that 33% survival rate for the Joining?
BLAKE: I remember it well! Sorry, Daveth. Not sorry I stole all your stuff after you died, though.
RIORDAN: Well, as it turns out, killing an Archdemon actually has an even worse survival rate. Zero, in fact.
BLAKE: … Oh.
ALISTAIR: But if we die, who will restock the gummi bear cabinet?!
BLAKE: Read the room, man.
ALISTAIR: You said I can't come into the room, sweetums! [To RIORDAN, in a CONSPIRATORIAL tone] She went in and said the floor is lava and I can't go inside, and I should ignore any voices I hear from inside because they're lava monsters! She cares so much for me.
LELIANA: Do you ever feel bad zat we take advantage of him zo?
ZEVRAN: I kill people as a career, so… no.
LELIANA: … Sweet Andraste, why do we keep you around?
ZEVRAN: Antivan Crrrrrrows.
LELIANA: Mmmmmmm. Right, zat was it.
RIORDAN: (Coughing Nervously) Well. In any event, only one of us need fall. Only the Warden closest to the Archdemon as it dies will die with it; its soul will be absorbed into their half-corrupted body, and both shall be destroyed. Ordinarily I would say that I, as the eldest Warden here, should be the one to make this sacrifice. But after meeting your group, I think probably it should be one of you.
BLAKE: …. That's fair.
ZEVRAN: We're a questionable group at best.
LELIANA: I vish Morrigan vas a Grey Warden, so she might die. I sometimes zink I might kill her anyway.
BLAKE: But I guess at this point it is our job, and I suppose we don't want the world to end… okay, I guess we gotta do it. Alistair, you're gonna die.
ALISTAIR: But I prefer living!
BLAKE: And that's fair. But here's my counter-point: I just got this new empire. I've barely even started to break it in. Could you really take away from these people the only ruler they have left? It would cause a succession crisis!
ALISTAIR: Aren't I… also their ruler?
BLAKE: Hahahaha, no. No, I've used you as a stepping-stool to the throne, and in the few hours I've reigned I've already drafted several laws just… just totally neutering your influence. You're already a king in name only. By the time we got 'married' you would technically be outranked by the janitor.
ALISTAIR: So what you're saying is you want to postpone the wedding? I'm sorry, honey, I know it isn't very romantic, but Eamon told me we need to do it as soon as we can after save the world together, and he wouldn't lie.
BLAKE: … Yes, that's what I was getting at. And you know what would make a great wedding present? An archdemon you killed yourself!
ALISTAIR: I like cheese.
BLAKE: For the love of… do you not even pay attention when I'm trying to play into your incomprehensible fantasy world?!
ALISTAIR: What do you think about Orlais for a honeymoon, huggy-wuggy bunny?
LELIANA: Ooooooh, zat sounds lovely! I know a vonderful spot in Val Royeaux zat is just the perfect place for ze romantic getaway.
BLAKE: There will be no romantic getaway! Alistair, I am trying to kill you. You could at least try to pay attention enough to have a bad feeling about it!
[The CANDLES in the room grow DIMMER, and the stars outside begin to GO OUT. MORRIGAN oozes into the room, bringing with her an aura of being UNTRUSTWORTHY.]
MORRIGAN: Did someone say bad feeling? Because I have an offer that shouldn't give you any at all.
ALISTAIR: Oh, good! I was about to have some, but that's really reassuring.
BLAKE: … … … I'm sorry about him, really. I know you've been traveling with us since near the start, you're probably used to it, but… I'm just sorry. Forever.
MORRIGAN: Eh, you're the one that's going to marry him.
BLAKE: Only for exploitation purposes!
MORRIGAN: It will still be legally binding.
BLAKE: … Oh sweet Maker it will be. My name will be Blake Alistair. I feel sick.
ALISTAIR: … Do you think my name is Alistair Alistair?
BLAKE: Nobody cares what your name is, Alistair! We have to focus on the pain that marrying your horrible self will cause me in the long run!
MORRIGAN: I feel like we should focus more on your impending death?
BLAKE: This is more important, Morrigan! Besides, I'm just going to kill Alistair. … But wait, if he dies, then I don't get to marry him and be a legitimate queen! But if he lives then I have to marry him. Oh sweet Maker, I lose no matter what happens. You've ruined everything, by telling me this, Morrigan! I blame Alistair.
ALISTAIR: Oh, maybe instead of Orlais, might Antiva be good for our honeymoon, dear? I hear it has wonderful leather goods. I could get you a fine pair of boots as a wedding present.
ZEVRAN: It does, but be careful! It also has Crrrrrrrrrrrrows.
ALISTAIR: … Has anyone else noticed he is very handsome?
MORRIGAN: Will you please… please… focus for ten minutes?! I'm trying to be ambiguously sinister and you have all just taken the drama out of it.
BLAKE: Ugh, fine. Tell us about your stupid plan to keep Alistair alive. It won't matter, nothing good will ever happen again. It's all ruined, Alistair!
ALISTAIR: I love you too, sugar-plum.
MORRIGAN: Well. This may shock you, but I was along on this entire… disaster for my own, selfish purposes.
LELIANA: Shocking.
MORRIGAN: Hush, you. Honestly, shouldn't even be here, side character at best. In any event, I was to seduce one of the Grey Wardens…
BLAKE: Awesome, I'm down.
MORRIGAN: … Where did your pants go?
BLAKE: I'm good at getting rid of them in a pinch. I'm seduced. Let's go!
LELIANA: I'm right here!
BLAKE: So is Zevran, you weren't complaining about that.
LELIANA: Oh, Zevran doesn't count.
ZEVRAN: Hey!
MORRIGAN: Okay, idiot, I should make it clear that while the ritual is sexual in nature…
BLAKE: And I love this plan!
MORRIGAN: … the ultimate point of it is to conceive a child.
BLAKE: [BLINKS] Are you a man?
MORRIGAN: I… that… what…?
BLAKE: Look, I'm totally willing to have sex magic with you, but unless you're hiding some equipment… and in that outfit, not sure how you could be… I'm not sure how you're planning to get me pregnant.
MORRIGAN: You cannot be that self-centered! Why would I want to get you pregnant?!
BLAKE: Well, I'm hot, and…
MORRIGAN: The point. Is to get. Me. Pregnant. The baby will have warden blood, and a pure soul, and when the Archdemon dies I will absorb its power and go off with a god-baby. Do you get it now?! I had a vastly more dramatic way to explain all this, but you ruined it. You ruin everything.
BLAKE: … So do you want to use magic to give me a penis, then? Because I have some concerns.
MORRIGAN: What.
BLAKE: Because I mean, kind of awkward, definitely a little bit 'fan-ficcy.' Not sure why, but I feel like the process will be uncomfortable too. Will it itch? Definitely seems itchy. But on the other hand, it seems like it could be kind of a fun narcissistic fantasy, being the 'father of the God Child.'
MORRIGAN: Oh my sweet non-existent Maker what is wrong with you.
BLAKE: I'm not not into it, is my point. We just need to work out the details.
MORRIGAN: I am not magically… enpenising you, you lunatic. First of all, I can only shift my own shape.
BLAKE: Oh, so you're going to turn yourselfintoa man who can absorb my woman-ness to get reverse-pregnant? Okay, yeah, that's really fanficcy, but I'll try anything once. Take off your pants and get to it. But, uh, try to make your man-shape look like Zevran? I have higher standards in male partners since I met him, is all.
ZEVRAN: Once you go elf, put all others on the shelf, baby.
MORRIGAN: Good false god, you are the embodiment of both vanity and incompetence wrapped up in a single… burrito of awful. I am not saying I plan to manipulate our flesh using the power of the Fade! I just need to bear a child with Alistair.
ALISTAIR: Oh dear.
BLAKE: … Are you sure? I mean he's so… Alistair.
MORRIGAN: Look, he's not my first choice either. But the side-character Warden is definitely sterile, and you… I mean, even if you were a man, I don't think I would be willing to get involved with you anymore.
BLAKE: But why?!
MORRIGAN: I literally tried to have my own mother killed over possibly unreliable evidence she was plotting against me and now I'm stealing her evil plan to create a god-baby, and yet I still think you're scarier than I am.
BLAKE: ….. That's fair. And in fairness, this does probably avoid some awkward conversations later, since I was planning to have your swamp destroyed.
MORRIGAN: What?! Why?!
BLAKE: Well, I had this idea for a huge collection of merchants, theaters, and attractions all placed together, and your swamp is the only place my new empire owns with enough space to slap it down. I'm gonna call it 'Blakey World' and charge people fifty sovereigns for a one-day ticket.
MORRIGAN: You are a more vicious villain than I could ever dream of becoming.
BLAKE: See if you're still saying that when 50% of the world's stage shows are all set in the same universe owned by me.
MORRIGAN: [SIGHS DEEPLY] Well. I'm glad we had this conversation, because it makes me feel a little better about the fact I need to have sex with Alistair. Come on, Alistair. We need to get this over with before the army marches tomorrow, so come along and wear a mask that makes you look like Zevran if you have one.
ZEVRAN: I have one of those, if you need it. Sometimes my lovers like to wear it so we can look like two Zevrans making sweet love in the moonlight. It is the most beautiful sight on this world.
ALISTAIR: Well… I guess if it's the only way to save the life of my beloved schmoopy-schmoo, I have to make this sacrifice. [Turns to BLAKE, kneeling DRAMATICALLY] My love, this won't be easy. But I'm going to have sex with this incredibly hot, half-feral swamp witch without using protection. We might go for hours. Maybe all night. I really dislike her pretty intensely, too, so we'll probably have that kind of deep, violent passion that only pops up with real hatred, where the sex becomes like this vicious competition to just use each other like wild animals. She might do really weird stuff to me, things that would make most men cry to hear of them. But I'll accept it all if it's for you, my love.
BLAKE: … … … … Alistair, this might be the first time on this entire journey that I've wondered if you're actually as stupid as you act.
ALISTAIR: I love you too, schmoopy bear.
[SCENE: The plains of DENERIM, two days hard travel later. Almost as HARD as MORRIGAN rode ALISTAIR, if you know what I MEAN.]
ALISTAIR: Well, my love, here we stand, at the precipice of destiny. Though we faced many foes; wolves, spiders, intense hours of sex with Morrigan inside a ring of magic candles, knowing its wrong but it feels so right…
BLAKE: I hate you more than I ever thought possible.
ALISTAIR: … but here we are. Not as king and queen, not as husband and wife, but as Grey Wardens. As the last hope of the world. Gaze now, upon the army that we, as the last survivors of our order in this land, gathered to face this all-consuming evil.
[ALISTAIR casts out his hand in a grand gesture, showing to BLAKE the forces gathered here at her BEHEST. The final bastion of HOPE that will stand against the horrors of the BLIGHT and the darkness they bring upon all civilized LANDS.]
BLAKE: [SIGHS DEEPLY and CLOSES her EYES.] Sten, could you come up here, please?
STEN: Do you wish me to take over leadership of the group from you? It would be understandable.
BLAKE: No, no. I just know that you're the most logical and pragmatic of my assorted flunkies, so I know that if I ask you this question you won't sugarcoat it. You will give me the truth. Judging by the smoke and the shattered walls of the distant city of Denerim, the trampled foliage and ruined roads, the burned villages and broken bodies we passed on our way here… how many Darkspawn would you wager we are facing? Exactly?
STEN: Thousands. Tens of thousands. Their numbers are more than the stars in the sky. We could kill them from sunrise to sunset for weeks on end, and not begin to thin the horde. Each one a killer, without remorse or restraint. Truly, it is more unto a force of nature than an army.
BLAKE: Right. Thanks. And… this is crucial… how many soldiers did our allies send?
STEN: Looks to be about… forty each.
BLAKE: Forty each.
STEN: Except the wizards.
BLAKE: Except the wizards.
STEN: There are about ten of those.
BLAKE: About. Ten. [Opens her EYES, and smiles WIDELY at the 'army.'] So, hey y'all. I'm going to ask a few questions, and you all can answer however you want. One or two of you at a time, in unison, whatever. So, I realize the Dalish and the mages are kind of low on population, I get it, that's fine. But the dwarves and the Redcliffers… don't you have like, whole real armies of soldiers?
'ARMY': [Coughs politely, and tries not to look at BLAKE.]
BLAKE: You aren't going to answer me, huh.
'ARMY': [Whistles INNOCENTLY]
BLAKE: Your nations and tribes have totally screwed me, huh. My party of ding-dongs is going to have to do pretty much all the work here. Whole army of Darkspawn led by a hideous corrupted dragon from the hell pits, and my like, eight guys will be doing every bit of work while you kind of stand around pretending to be scenery.
'ARMY': Oh, hey, what interesting weather we're having lately! Hey, when did you get here? We love your outfit. Looking good!
BLAKE: Seriously, guys?
DWARF SOLDIER 1: If it helps, our society only screwed you over because a lot of our nobles are refusing to help because they would rather fight each other than the Blight.
BLAKE: Why would that help?!
DWARF SOLDIER 1: It's, you know, a real logical reason. Those help with coping.
DWARF SOLDIER 2: Yeah. If you can intellectually determine the root cause of your emotions, you can more effectively deal with them and handle the stress in a more healthy way. Putting a logical cause behind your feelings takes away the mystery of them. That's the kind of insight that will help you grow into your best self!
DWARF SOLDIER 1: So if you look at it that way, we're actually doing you a pretty big favor here.
DWARF SOLDIER 2: You're welcome.
BLAKE: ….
LELIANA: Vous know, she's actually taking zis razer well, for h-
BLAKE: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCH! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMSSSSSSSSSIIIKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRARRRRGHGGCCCKKKKSLLESSR! [Begins to TEAR OUT her own HAIR while pounding on the floor like a BABY.]
WYNNE: You were saying, dear?
LELIANA: … … … Sten, vould you like to lead ze party?
STEN: Finally, one of you speaks logic.