The One Where Elfman Squeals (Like a Little Bitch)

Characters: Elfman/Evergreen

Genre: Romance/Humor, T

Summary: A story in which apparently no one is manly enough.

The One Where Elfman Squeals (Like a Little Bitch)

Elfman growled, rubbing his temples furiously as Evergreen stomped away from his sight after another one of their heated discussions.

"Hey, pal, don't give up." Feeling sorry for him, Gray approached the big man, patting his shoulder lightly. "She does that because she likes you and-"

"She hates me!" The Strauss mage shouted while punching the table, startling the people nearby – the Fullbuster included.

"Huh, dude, I'm pretty sure she actually-"

"Despises me!" Elfman finished Gray's sentence, punishing the table once again. "She said I'm not manly enough for her!"

"Oh." The ice mage moved his chair a few inches back, fearing he could become the next victim. "So what are you going to do, then?"

Elfman closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.

"I'm going to get over her."

"What?!" Gray, along with everybody overhearing the conversation (that's Fairy Tail hall for you) screamed in unison, surprised by his decision.

"Don't do this!"

"She totally likes you!"

"Just go there and slap her ass, you'll see!"

Elfman clenched his fists threateningly again and the voices stopped.

"I'm intrigued." Gray furrowed his brows, scratching his head in confusion. "I mean, you wouldn't let anyone else say you are not manly enough."

"I would beat the crap out of any man that dared to say that." The Strauss mage agreed, crossing his arms.

"So why give up so easily this time?" Gray asked, with several curious heads turning to hear the answer too.

"Because she is not a man!" Elfman threw his hands in the air impatiently. "If beating the crap out of her would solve my problem, don't you think I would have done it already?!"

"He has a point." Max commented and the others shared the same opinion.

"What I want doesn't matter anymore, harassing a woman is not manly." The Take Over mage continued, though he seemed to be struggling with his resolve as he gritted his teeth. "So I'll… accept my defeat… and get over it… like a real man."

Everyone blinked in surprise, then nodded vigorously with renewed respect for the big guy.

"You know what? You're right. Nobody should harass unwilling people!" Gray replied purposely loud so that Juvia, who was hiding behind a column, could hear him. The girl flinched. "I'll help you get over Evergreen, my friend."

Said friend only grunted, staring at the table helplessly.

"How do I do that?"

The people nearby fell into deep silence, thinking about the ideal first step to forget someone, until Jet finally suggested:

"Why don't you write a list of everything you don't like about her?" And several heads bowed in agreement.

Elfman shrugged indifferently and then a pen and a piece of paper were put in front of him. Not sure about what in Evergreen could be considered a flaw, he wrote a title in search for inspiration. However, several minutes passed, with the small crowd that had gathered around him already vanished, and his list was still empty.

Chewing the pen angrily, he scribbled the first thing that came to his mind and tossed the paper aside.

"Enough of this, I won't sit here sulking about it!" Elfman stood up too fast, making the chair fall. "A man does not sulk!"

"Exactly, a man fights! Laxus!" Natsu, who had just arrived in the guild, yelled as he pointed at the lightning mage, running towards him in full speed. "Fight me!"

The Salamander was promptly sent flying in the opposite direction, though, accidentally hitting Gray, then Elfman.

"You bastard!" The ice mage cursed while cracking his fists, a vein popping in his forehead.

"I'm manly enough for this!" Elfman launched himself in the middle of the upcoming fight and the usual Fairy Tail commotion began.

Abandoned on a table in one of the guild's corners rested the now forgotten list, that didn't go unnoticed for a certain female mage who was trying to stay away from the fight. She ran his eyes through the scarce content, but it was enough to make her blood boil, her muscles tighten and her jaw clench.

"ELFMAN!"

The turmoil stopped and everybody turned to look at the brunette mage that was fuming with anger.

"What's the meaning of this?" Evergreen screamed savagely, crumpling the small piece of paper between her hands. Elfman's shoulders shrank in fear.

"Uh... Ever, I can explain-"

"I'm 'not manly enough'?! I'M 'NOT MANLY ENOUGH'? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?" She marched furiously in his direction. "THAT I SHOULD HAVE A PENIS?!"

"O-Of course not, what I meant was-"

"THAT I SHOULD BE MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD?"

"No-Wait, what?"

"I'll show you how manly I can be." She hissed drily, grabbing him by the sleeve of his shirt and dragging him towards the broom's closet. "In fact, I'll make you cry in a not. Very. Manly. Way."

The door slammed shut and everybody remained paralyzed in shock until Mirajane squeaked.

"No, not the babies!" The eldest Strauss sibling said before passing out and the attention turned to her unconscious state, several people rushing to her aid.

However, she soon had to be removed from the guild hall, as throughout the afternoon it was possible to hear Elfman squealing like a little bitch inside that closet.