Love Struck Delusion
Chapter 145 – It's what you make of it.
Raptor's POV, An hour later.
I sat on the center of the cot as Zeta was standing right above me. Her eyes still looking to me as I couldn't face looking at her after saying all I did. I just didn't feel right. She knew it too. With my eyes staring at my feet I had to ask.
"I sound crazy right? Out of my fucking mind? I wouldn't blame you if you said yes."
Zeta just continued to stand there as I was lost in my own emotion. This wasn't something I ever wanted to try and explain. Hell I lost myself a few times trying to find the words for it all. In the end she knew everything. She knew about me, my past life, my current life, and Marcus. And even with all these senses and powers; I couldn't read her right now. Something told me this was one way of the world telling me that for once I told someone completely neutral to this. I could at least hear her as she breathed very calmly to herself. With seconds passing in silence I whispered.
"The sad part is I'm so fucked up now that it all sounds true. What other reason do I got? What else explains what I've turned into?"
Growing cold, I whispered into my chest.
"Nothing. Just a fucking monster. The one person who shouldn't still be alive. Hannon was right about that before he died. This is all my fault. Everything."
At that moment I looked up at the wolf. Her face showed her feelings. I knew that more then anyone. That look she was giving me. She was feeling sad for me.
"Wanting to leave this all behind isn't just because I want to help you Zeta. Part of it...a big part of it. It's hoping I can escape all I've done. I just want to die in peace. Happy."
"Raptor?" She replied as I looked back into her eyes. Sitting down next to me, Zeta reached over to grab my hand that was hanging over my crotch. Pulling it over to her soft leg; she quietly said while looking into my eyes.
"We all want to die happy. We all do. But everything you've done and all you've gone through can't be for nothing. As much as I want to just run away I need to face this. I need to handle my business before I can rest. So do you. This war? This place? These people? Raptor this is your family. And you need to help them finish what you've started. I truly believe if you just run you'll never find happiness. You'll only find that when you've conquered all your demons."
Wrapping my fingers around hers I asked.
"I am a demon Zeta. How can I conquer that?"
"By accepting yourself and what you are. Demon or not you're still the same man you were. Deep down you know that. And unlike Shadow you have someone here to tell you that. Right here and right now that person is me. I know you can do this. Even if your followed each step by the man who haunts you."
Looking down slightly towards her chest I replied.
"He doesn't haunt me. Not anymore."
"What do you mean?" She then asked as I looked back up into her splotched face.
"We've talked together. I found out his name. He's helped me. He's listened. He's helped me get this far. Zeta at first you are right. He did haunt me. But right now he's the same as any of you to me. He's...he's a friend."
Her eyes were wide open as she then questioned.
"Do you understand what you're saying Raptor?"
Nodding I replied.
"Yeah. Death is my friend. Like I said many times over. I'm fucking crazy. I know. But I can't change how I feel. I owe him my life."
"And this?" She then asked as she placed her hand on my heart.
I went silent. Zeta was smarter then I ever imagined. She knew. Just staring me down she said with a straight tone.
"His mark right? I saw it the night we...? You know."
Again I couldn't match her eyes. I felt defenseless as she knew she hit a strong spot. Pushing me deeper she asked.
"Is that his mark? A brand? Would a friend brand a friend?"
I couldn't answer. Her words were there but I had no way of coming up with an answer I truly trusted myself in saying. Zeta gently let her hand fall down to my lap as I shut my eyes. In seconds I heard her say.
"You're right though. What you told me does sound crazy. To anyone outside our little inner circle they would think your mad. Probably crazy from all the shit you've seen and endured during this life. But you saved my life. In front of Raze you bended reality. You risked your life to keep me alive. A stupid Russian girl."
My eyes locked back up as she was getting emotional. You could hear it in her voice as she went on to say.
"I gave up my life to serve. I helped kill thousands of innocent people. I developed a weapon of mass destruction and ended generations of families. Ended futures and all I did was run away hoping I could hide from my crimes. In the process I lost my sister. Found out my mom and dad both died in a car wreak while I was away in that fucking country, and I missed both of their funerals because I was being chased down by Ying and any others who saw me as an easy target. I lost my friends. My family. My future. I lost everything Raptor and if you went to anyone in this country they would say what I already know. I'm a terrorist. A genocidal murderer. You know it too. You just don't say it. Probably because you're one too in the world's eyes. Only difference is you're fighting for a reason. I'm fighting to just stay alive. If I could one day forget my reason to fight like you I would lose myself completely."
"So why do you fight then?" I wondered as she retook my hand to reply with tears forming in her eyes.
"Cause I just want to see her one more time before I decide to clock out. That's all. I just want to know she loves me still. Even after everything that has happened. Even after all the shit! After everything we've both endured! I want to know I have someone left in my life that cares!"
"I care." I replied as she snuffled and just replied.
"Why? You still haven't given me a straight answer to that question. For what reason? Why are you giving up on everything and everyone for me!? What the fuck have I done in a week that somehow manages to negate all this effort you and so many others have given?! Why the fuck do you even care!? This was suppose to be about Gorgon! Not...me!" She shouted as she shoved me back. Curling her head down into her chest, I watched as Zeta used her hands to support her head. She could do nothing but cry as I just stared at her. I could see her tears running down her wrists as she mumbled into her hands.
"Why do you care? Why Raptor?"
"Zeta I...?" Hearing my voice instantly got her to snap and turn her head and body back towards me on the cot.
"WHY!?" She screamed as her face reminded me of the time I held Julie in my arms. She broke her walls. She was open and she was giving me all she had. Even knowing who and what I was she was only concerned with that question. Why I even bothered with her. Through her tears I saw her aggressive side come out some. Showing her teeth and giving me a low growl and another push on the cot she asked.
"Why do you care Raptor!? What the fuck do you want from me now!? Gorgon is finished! Our deal is over! What is this about!? Just give me a fucking answer you asshole!"
My right hand started to shake. I was actually taken by her emotion. Her question however was all that remained on my mind as she screamed.
"Is it money!? Is this some fucked up way you go about turning in most wanted criminals!? You convince them you care and then when their the weakest you cash in!?" Her growl came back as she was so angry she stood up to shout.
"Is it pussy you want!? Just answer me you fuck! Is that why your still here!? Is that why your risking everything to help me change my life around!? So I can fuck you again!? Is that all this is!? Some sick attempt to get in my pants!?"
"Zeta stop." I begged her as she slapped me right across the face. My whole head turned right as she screamed.
"Shut the fuck up! Can't you just answer the question!? You're a fucking god! You should already know the answer! And I know you do, you just won't tell me! And god damn it I can't take this shit anymore Raptor! So just fucking stop!"
Turning my gaze back to her, I watched as her tears were dripping off the bottom of her chin. Her knees were bending forward as she was truly overtaken by the emotion she was expressing. At the moment our eyes locked; she gasped and broke down. Falling onto her knees as I was now staring at the back of her head as she had her whole body almost leaning between my legs as she continued to cry. With seconds passing full of tears, she rested the left side of her head on the edge of my knee. Her hands pressed firmly into her face holding back any more tears to come. But among her cries she asked for one last time.
"Why do you care at all? Why are you doing this for me?"
For the first time in awhile my thoughts were slow and hard to process. I've said this many times in my life and as I reached for the side of her face that wasn't against my knee, I said with a quiet and trembling voice.
"Cause I...I think I...? Cause I think I love you."
Before the words left my mouth her whole body was shaking. But when it happened I felt everything stop. Her whole body went still. Her tears flowed and ran over my palm as her eyes gently opened up from under her hands. She was shocked. I felt it all as she very slowly lowered her hands. At the same moment her head looked back up at me. Her eyes wide open and showing nothing but perfect confusion to what she thought she just heard leave my mouth.
My face showed no signs of joking as she managed to break through her silence to ask.
"What did you say?"
Lowering my hand I went silent. Zeta however was still crying. Her tears flowing but her face absolutely taken up by her shock. We stared right at each other as it was struggling to say it twice. After everything I've been through I almost was broken myself that I said it again at all. My face went from being calm to looking away. With that I stood up and walked to the door to reach for my face with both hands. I breathed very carefully into the cups as Zeta asked again.
"What did you say? Raptor?"
Lowering my hands to my sides and with my body facing the exit I replied.
"I don't know. Something I shouldn't have said probably. I just...I just acted before thinking."
Zeta wasn't moving an inch from her spot on the ground as I then said softly.
"I'm sorry. Just forget I said that. It was a mistake. One I shouldn't be making this far gone."
Gently I rested my head against the steel door. Shutting my eyes I whispered.
"I don't have any right to say that to you. To anyone. No matter what happens I can't do this again."
Zeta slowly stood up. Tears still in her eyes as she questioned.
"Do what? Love? Raptor you shouldn't be...?!"
"I shouldn't be saying things like that Zeta!" I shouted as she went quiet to my raised voice. Slamming my fist into the door, I shouted while keeping my eyes shut.
"I loved Julie! I loved Alicia! I thought I loved Hunter! I shouldn't have said it to you! Not when I'm fucking everything up! Not when I get everyone close to me killed!"
"Who's Hunter?" She then asked as I did my best to calm down. It took so much effort to relax. Zeta approached from behind as I turned around. Slowly I leaned fully against the door to reply to her wet face.
"She saved my life back when I first started this fucking war again. I was hurt and she came to the rescue."
"You love her?" She then questioned as I shook my head to reply.
"I don't fucking know!" Zeta now just stared at me. A straight face on her as I went on to admit.
"Back before this shit I was a mess. My relationship was a mess. My boy Ghost hated me. My daughter Midnight wasn't even my fucking kid! She was just an orphan we took in cause Shadow wanted me to!"
Zeta now got a foot away as I went on.
"I still loved her like my own, but Alicia and me were starting to lose our shit together! She wanted us to be a family! For me to work on being a dad to Ghost! And what did I want?! I wanted peace! I didn't want everything I did to go away in a blink of an eye! Everything Shadow did! I wanted war! To get this country back it's freedom and for good! So Alicia resented me for it! We couldn't be around each other for more then a few minutes before one of us went off on the other! My life was going down the drain and I hadn't even got in the thick of it yet Zeta!"
Putting my hands out in front of me I shouted.
"Then Hunter came into my life and brought back so many good things I missed! I knew her for as long as I knew you now and because I was so fucking lost and depressed I cheated on my wife! We fucked and we said stupid things like love and in the end Alicia died and I never had the fucking balls to say sorry! To even tell her what a miserable asshole I am! How fucking dumb I am!"
Zeta grabbed my hands as it was becoming clear to her I needed help. Instantly as she pulled them I screamed.
"I said I loved her too! Put faith and happiness in her heart and in the end I left to go on this fucking mission to avenge my family who I got killed with my decisions! Promised her I wouldn't leave to go do something so selfish for myself! And again I fucked up and now she's somewhere in Iraq with the rest of my so called friends and is probably trying to find a way to kill me if we meet again!"
"Raptor!" Zeta shouted as I was lost in my anger.
"I killed my first family! Then somehow find a chance to restart and get a second family! I cheated on my wife! I had kid who wasn't mine! Had a son who actually was mine and had him fucking hate me for it! Then got them killed cause I couldn't let things go! Shot both of them and watched as Alicia died in my arms! I didn't even hear her last words!"
"RAPTOR!" She screamed into my face as I shook her off. Keeping pressed against the door I screamed.
"Woke up after getting shot in the fucking head! Next to their body bags!"
Sending my fist to my side with all I had, I watched with Zeta as I actually took a chunk out of the wall. The cement actually shattered from my power as I continued to scream and readied another punch.
"Gave a demon my soul so he could in return help me find the men responsible for their deaths and kill them! SMACK! Lost all my friends in the process! Including the one girl who tried to help me! SMACK! And now...!? SMACK! ….I'm here...!? SMACK! ….saying it all over...!? SMACK! …..AGIAN!"
My hands were caving in the wall and as I went to throw my last swing; Zeta jumped over to grab the inside of my arm as it went back to wind up.
"STOP!" She begged me as I had more then enough strength to take her with it as I sent my hand back into the wall. Zeta barely hung on and her body ran into the back of mine as her head just barely stopped an inch from meeting the same fate my fist did. I felt my whole body go still as she was leaning over my arm and just staring me in the eyes. With silence now taking me, I watched in a heavy breathing stance as she begged again.
"Stop."
All I could do was breathe to myself as she very gently straightened herself back up. Looking to the hand that was in the wall, Zeta reached to grab it with both her hands. I had no control anymore and just let her pull it away and back to my side. Getting in front of me, Zeta just whispered while reaching for my shoulders.
"Stop Raptor. Please. Stop."
Zeta's POV.
Grabbing him by the shoulder and leaning right into his face; I watched with open eyes and a weak heart as a tear left his right eye. I was shocked to say the least. He broke through his own wall much like I did mine a few minutes ago. But as he cried; he didn't show any sign of erasing that angry look off his face. He just stared right into me as I said with all I had left in my body.
"You're not to blame for what happened. We all make mistakes. Even gods like you. Even demons like...Marcus." Raptor just stared at me and listened as I went on to say.
"We all make mistakes Raptor Voltz. Some more then others and some worse then others, but we all do. Are you listening?" I asked him as he gave me a very slow and steady nod of his head. Smiling, I then said while releasing his shoulders and going for both sides of his wet face.
"Just cause we fuck up doesn't mean we are fuck ups. It doesn't matter how bad or how many times. We all have a right to try again and again if that means we get to be happy at some point in our lives. From a god like you, to a terrorist like me, to even a shaky doctor like Raze. We all do." I told him as he actually smiled slightly from the statement.
"Don't ever say you're sorry for saying that. You're just lying to yourself by saying sorry. Saying those words takes more effort and more emotion then anything else in life. You saying I love you was the world trying to tell you that you still have feelings. A need to have happiness again. A need to want to try again and again. You're only lost when you can't try anymore. When you just give up and accept that you'll never be happy. That's when you lose everything. Yourself...your friends...me."
Gently Raptor's tears rested on my palms as I smiled. His face had grown into a look of understanding as I dragged his forehead down into mine. Pressed against him, I said with everything in my heart feeling right.
"Don't say sorry. Cause I love you too."
It was at that moment I felt my life shift. A new feeling entered my heart. Raptor with wide eyes just stared at me as I leaned in to take his lips with mine. Keeping my hands on his face, I pulled an inch away to say it again.
"I really think I do."
Raptor's POV.
With my eyes shut to the feeling of her lips on mine. I reached out with both of my hands and grabbed the wolf by the waist. She kept hers around my cheeks as she gently pinned me back first to the door. After some exchange, I opened my eyes and looked right into hers. Slowly she released my face and whispered.
"Just stop blaming yourself for the way things are. You can't change the past. Only the future."
Her smile was warm as she asked.
"Okay?"
Smiling back I replied while keeping her held tight.
"Okay."
Zeta then came back for another kiss. I wanted this to last forever but I had to be the one to try and pull away. Leaving her lips, I whispered back into her beautiful eyes.
"We need to make sure your safe."
Looking down to my phone, her eyes followed and replied as I looked back up.
"Okay. I trust you."
Keeping my smile, I looked back to my phone to urge.
"Sit down. Let me do the talking."
The wolf gave me a gentle nod and with her hand running down my chest, she turned and walked over to the cot. Staying by the door, I looked at the numbers Watts gave me and dialed up the first. With Zeta watching me from the bed; I brought the phone up and listened as the dial tone went off. After some time with it just ringing, I matched eyes once again with Zeta. As she smiled I got an answer from the other end.
Ness's POV.
With my phone up to my ear and all my men looking to me in silence, I asked with a careful tone.
"Who is this? How did you get this number?"
On the other end, I soon heard a deep and strong voice reply.
"I could ask the same question."
Looking around the room as some of the boys got their weapons, I said back to the unknown man.
"I don't know if you understand this or not pal, but you called me. And right now I don't think you understand who you're talking to."
"Oh I understand completely kid. You're with Ying's PMC based in China." My eyes widened as I turned the phone on speaker for everyone to hear.
"You're uninvited guests in my country. Armed to the teeth and not afraid to kill anyone who gets in your way."
My eyes glanced from man to man as everyone listened to the voice speak.
"You're in my lands hunting. Trying to hide between your strikes. Losing man after man with each failed attempt. Am I wrong?" He asked as I had to ask.
"Who the fuck is this?"
"Raptor Voltz. Better known as the commander to the rebellion here in the middle east. The same man who knows why your here."
"Oh yeah? Then tell me commander. Why am I here?"
"You're looking for Zeta Diskov. Probably have another team after her sister Pepper Diskov. But regardless you and your men are here making a lot of noise. You lost a lot of people in Iraq at that airfield kid. You know that?" He asked me as I had my eyes widened and my men all looking to one another in confusion of what to do.
"You're raging a war for this girl. One fucking wolf. I'll have you know kid since you don't sound stupid; that I could have you and your men dead by daylight if I wanted too. You're an outside force fighting in the middle of a war zone. My war zone. You're company is military am I wrong?" He asked again as I replied.
"So what?"
"Then you know for a fact China could find themselves in deep shit if I leak to the public you're in the middle of this. You and whoever you have left wouldn't make it out of country. I have men everywhere. And there is only so many places out in that desert you're hiding. Cause I will bet my ass you don't dare come close to the main city. You only did it once cause of the sandstorm. And you know how that ended up."
"Get to the point. If you wanted us dead you wouldn't have called." I told him as he went silent for a second. After which he replied.
"Point is kid, that girl you're after? I have her."
Everyone widened their eyes as I questioned.
"Bullshit."
"Zeta Diskov? Black wolf with a brown splotch on her face? Formerly with G.U.N as a bomb maker? Blew up you're country about a year or two back? Has been on the run ever since? Ring a bell?" He asked as I looked up to my men. Taking a second to think, I continued to listen as he came back to say.
"She's been running for a long time kid. Only reason I found her was because she came to me after your mess at that airfield in Iraq. Wanted me to hide her. Turns out however you and your PMC aren't the only ones informed in that little inner circle of open contracts you guys hunt down. And after a nice chat with the girl, I know what she's worth and I know you want nothing more then to get your hands on her. So I'll make you a deal. You listening?"
Everyone was listening to be honest. All eyes on me as I had no other choice. Letting out a sigh I replied.
"I am."
"Tomorrow I'm resigning from office. Putting down my guns and I'm looking to go somewhere where I don't have to be worried about armies or politics. But as you can imagine, I need a way to finance it all. The army doesn't provide much. So the deal is simple. This woman? Zeta Diskov? I know she's worth seven million to you and your PMC. So get in contact with whoever you got to and find a way to meet me at the location of my choice tonight. I'll have the girl with me. Unharmed. You and your men come and we do a trade. The money for the girl."
Smiling slightly I questioned.
"What the fuck do I have that guarantees that you even have this chick? More so; let's say you do and we do this meet and greet. If I give you the money, I expect safe passage for me and my men out of your borders and not a word out of your mouth about the deal. To anyone. Not even your fucking kids."
"All part of the plan son. I won't be alone. I'll have a team on standby waiting to guide you and your men to the border. So long as you play nice; I will let you leave this country alive. You have my word I'll even keep my mouth shut about you even being here in the first place. So long as you got the money."
Nodding my head I then replied.
"How about this? Before I do anything, how about you prove you got her? Send me a picture. If it checks out I'll text you. From there you can name the place and the time."
"And the money?" He then asked as I kept a smile on to reply.
"I'll get in contact with my uppers and have them wire it. After you send the pic and I confirm it, you can send me the details of where the money goes. Sound good?"
"Sounds great." He replied as I then ordered.
"Get me a picture then...commander."
Hanging up the phone, I looked up to my men. One of them immediately asked.
"Can we trust him?"
Waiting for the picture I replied.
"If he actually has her I'll trust him enough to name my first kid. If not...well I think it's best we pull out regardless. I'm not chancing a run in with the rebellion military. We'll retreat and come up with a game plan."
My men seemed to accept the answer as I waited now.
mT Shadow.